Jerry Seinfeld I'm Telling You For The Last Time Full Show - Stand Up Comedy Central 2015

I guess I knew this day would come today I'd have to bury a friend maybe my best friends we've been through a lot together some ugly moments remember one props came in the ventriloquism scare of 84 sure there were times and people would make fun of you imitating you age ever notice what's the deal with this who are these people they say the hardest thing for a person to do is bury a loved one those people never had material like this the time commercial if you've got a t-shirt with blood stains all over it maybe the laundry isn't your biggest problem right now I don't understand it walks away from me show he walks away from us act are you sure this can Josh no he's Jewish don't ask me how I know I mean it all works is there any plate Gary what are you doing listen I got nothing on the post-office drevis see Zack no not really well you yeah he was good class full of drugs and did you Cesar oh he did that's a nice show many many times but no J thanks a lot for being here this really it means a lot yeah hey listen when man we can do the show again huh well but I I just retired all my material hey Carlos Saura why I need the best landscaping in the neighborhoods always in a cemetery everybody's dead that's funny I think I know that do what the bed clan through that so that's not a bit I'm just saying it okay you can't do it it's my bit it's a minute so everybody's better visit no but I said it first don't come to me I've been doing for a while anyway Jerry Alan King would like to meet you in his territory he'll guarantee security okay Hey don't you want sorry kid undo this joke anymore oh come on I'm sorry it's over but this is a song bit please alright but I'm telling you for the last time ladies and gentlemen Jerry Seinfeld you thank you thank you that was very very nice thank you very much thank you standing ovation now I know there's always that excuse me perfect start sure thank you I know it's not easy for an audience to give a standing ovation always a few people that don't really want to do it I've seen those people you know they're always like are we doing this now so anyway I'm thrilled me back here in New York I love how certain things about New York never changed they're always constant they're always there for you the cabbies and the Biot what is with the Bo and these guys how long are these shifts can we get this man a 10-minute break for a shower in the back it's coming through the glass then I love when they put that cherry pop it stuff on the dashboard so you get the cherry bo what that's supposed to be even fruit showers more often than this the findings need not be in these cabs is that when you're in Manhattan for some reason you don't get scared no matter how fast the guy goes well you know he's driving fast and recklessly but he's a professional he's got a cab driver's license I can see you right there I don't even know what it takes to get a cab driver's license I think all you need is a face this seems to be their big qualification no blank heads are allowed driving cabs in this town also helps to have a name with like 8 consonants in a row ever see some of the letters in these names what is the oh with the line through it by the way what planet is that from give me a chart of the elements if you want to report the guy yes officer his name was a mom and the symbol for boron no it was not manganese ahead the periodic chart with me at the time pilot to travel I love it whether it's a car or it's a plane like to get out there like to keep it moving love airports feel safe in airports thanks to the high-caliber individuals we have working at x-ray security how about this crack squad of savvy motivated personnel the way you want to set up your airport security is you want the short heavyset woman at the front with the skin tell uniformed that's your first line of defense you want those pants so tight the flap in front of the zipper is pulled itself open you can see the metal tangs hanging on for dear right and you put the bag on the conveyor belt goes to the little luggage car wash then you have that other genius down the other when looking in the little x-ray TV screen this sign Stein has chosen to stand in front of x-rays 14 hours a day as his profession looking in that thing I have looked in that TV screen I cannot make out one object he's standing there what is that a hair dryer with a scope on it that looks okay keeping moving some sort of bowling ball candle yeah I got no problem with that just I don't want to hold up the line so I go to the bathroom in the airport what what is the story on the Saints in Airport bathrooms that they will not give us a twisted on twisted off human style faucet is that too risky for the general population too dangerous we better install the one-handed spring-loaded pain-in-the-ass Alcatraz style faucets you know those ones we got to make work a little boy woman couple drops what is it that I think we would do with a faucet turn them all along full run out into the parking lot laughing pushing each other into the bushes come on the water's on let's go I turned it on home you idiot we're business man we're gonna miss our plane who cares water that's how that people read do the people that work in these little shops in the airport have any idea what the prices are every place else in the world yeah $14 tuna sandwich we think that's fair that's what we charge in our country hey you get on the plane pilot of course always has to come on the PA system this guy so excited about being a pilot he can't even stand himself well I'm gonna take it up to about 20,000 and I'm gonna make a left by Pittsburgh then I'm gonna make a right by Chicago then I'm gonna bring it down to 15,000 give you the whole route all his moves we're in the backbone yeah fine do whatever the hell you gotta do I don't end up words has on the ticket really do I bother him with what I'm doing knocking on the cockpit door I'm having the peanuts now yeah that's what we're doing back here don't I keep you posted I'm not going to have them all now I'm just gonna have a few I don't want to finish it because it's such a big day then the stewardesses have to come out they have to do their little emergency equipment show you know that thing they do one of them reads it the other one acts it out he we have seatbelts and oxygen man's things for you to you they show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in the car since 1965 oh we lift up on the buckle oh I was trying to break the metal apart I thought that I was gonna try and tear the fabric part of the Bell I thought if I could just get it started then they always point out the emergency exits always with that very vague point though isn't it where the where the hell would these places be which is that planes at a 90-degree angle your hair's on fire you're looking for this how do you think you're gonna do there she's thinking I'm getting out before you're getting at you're dead you're dead and then they always have to close that first-class curtain - I always given that little look maybe if you would work a little harder I wouldn't have to do all tiny world on the airplane isn't it's always that little tiny table their tiny computer was a little cramped see tiny food tiny utensils tiny liquor bottles tiny bathroom tiny sink tiny mirror tiny loss so a small problem gonna be a slight delay we're gonna be a little late I always go in the air pipe boundary even if I don't have to go I got to go in there it's nice it's like your own little apartment on the plane there's no go in there lock the door the light comes on after a second it's like a little surprise party but I've always impressed with the amount of equipment that they have in that place I mean it's little but they got the tissues towels closets compartments tiny slot for used razor blades they always have that who is shaving on the plane and shaving so much they're using up razor blades is this what's happening what is the Wolfman flying in EverQuest sucks Oh could shave them higher so I'm supposed to go down to Florida next week after we're done here that's where all my relatives live I don't really want to go Florida not old people down there you know they live in those minimum security prisons that's where they put all the old people what's with all the security there the guard came with the arm coming down everyone's got a uniform guns are the old people trying to escape or are people stealing old people what is the security problem I just can't drive around there you know the old people drive the drive slow they sit low that is their motto state flag of Florida should be just a steering wheel with a hat and two knuckles on and then left turn signal on for when they left the house that morning that's a legal turn in Florida is known as an eventual left you can signal this week turn any following year at your mama what is that age that old people reach where they decide when they back out of a driveway they're not looking anymore you know how they do that they just go well I'm old and I'm coming back I survived let's see if you can one thing I do like about being with my older relatives makes me feel like a kid again you know they're feeding you you're trying to steal candy candy was my whole life who knows if that was first ten years of my life I think the only clear thought I had was get candy that was it family friends school they're just obstacles in the way of the candy I'm out for the candy here I'm just thinking you can't eat candy get can they get can they get Candida that's why you have to teach kids not to take candy from a stranger if they're playing in a playground because there's such candy [ __ ] idiot brains it's just this man is candy I'm glad with him goodbye it okay what happens to make it don't go they'll talk to you they'll kidnap you it doesn't matter he has a no Henry I have to take that chance it can be you can they get patted so the first time you hear the the concept of Halloween when you're a kid your brain can't even process the information you can be like but what is this what did you say so what did you say my giving out candy who was given afternoon everyone that we know was just giving out candy are you kidding me when is this happening where why take me with you I had to be a part of this of the way they want I can wear that I'll wear anything I have to wear I'll do anything I have to do to get the candy from those fools and they're so stupidly giving it away so the first couple of years I made my own costumes which of course sock the ghost the hobo Mugen then finally third year begging the parents gulp of Superman Halloween costume not surprisingly cardboard box and paint table mask included remember the rubber band on the back of that mask that was a quality item there wasn't it that was good for about 10 seconds before it snapped out of that cheap little staple they put it in their way go to your first house trick or snack it broke I don't believe wait up you plies I gotta fix it hey wait up wait up that's what you say they don't say wait they say wait up hey wait up because when you're little your life is up the future is up everything you want is up wait up hold up shut up mom'll clean up let me stay parents of course just the opposite everything is down just calm down slow down come down here sit down put that down so I had my little costume I was physically ready I was preparing myself I did not try on the costume prior to Halloween do you remember this is this is an obscure one but on the side of the bunk I remember this on my Superman costume it actually said do not attempt to fly they printed that as a warning cuz kids would put it on going off the roof I love the idea of the kid who's stupid enough to think he actually is Superman but smart enough to check that box before he goes off the roof wait let me see if it says anything about me being Superman oh wait a second here I so anyway but my hopes were up I was thinking that this is probably the same exact costume that Superman wears himself you put these things on it's not exactly the super fit that you are hoping for it looks more like Superman's pajamas is what it looks like it's all kind of loose and flowing a neckline kind of comes down about there flimsy little ribbon string in the bag house my mother makes me wear my winter coat over the costume anyway I don't recall Superman wearing a jack not like I had cheap corduroy phony fur boy I'm Superman but it's a little chilly out and I'm glad I've got this cheap little ten-year-old kids jacket so I'm going out I'm trick-or-treating but the mask the rubberband keeps breaking it keeps getting shorter I'm fixing it it's getting tighter and tighter on my face you know when it starts slicing into your eyeballs there you're trying to breathe through that little hole getting all sweaty I can't see I can't breathe oh we gotta get going I gotta get together and a half hour and we just take that mask all the hell with it bang bong yeah give me that candy yeah Superman look at the pan legs what do you care who knows the last couple years trick or treating getting a little too old for it still out there going through the motions Bing bong come on Lady let's go following doorbells candy let's pick it up and come to the door there was asking those same stupid questions what are you supposed to be I'm supposed to be done by now you want to move it along with the three musketeers I got 18 houses on this block sweetheart just hit the bag we hit the road that's the way it works sometimes they give you that little white bag twisted on the top you know that's gonna be some crap candy doesn't have the official Halloween markings on it oh no lady wait a second what is this the orange marshmallows shaped like a big peanut do me a favor you keep that yeah we have all the doorstops we need already thank you we're going for named candy only this food is so complicated as an adult it's just where you see people in the supermarket they're sweating now nobody knows what do I eat the protein of carbs and the fat content my god fat content you're just walking up to each other you look pretty good what are you eating maybe Aletha the whole supermarket itself is designed to break down your sense of having any life outside the supermarket it's like a casino there's no clocks no windows no easily accessible exits give or not buy anything in the supermarket and try and get out of there it's impossible there's no way yeah you can see what happens to people when they're walking up to the supermarket they really have the whole sense of purpose I'm gonna get this I'm gonna get bad I'm gonna pay for it I'm gonna get out of here and get right back to my normal life you see that same person ten minutes later just one with this why come up you always noticing something new I got him in mesquite flavor now what is risky wonder if it's made from mosquitoes protists section I always find very challenging is always some special thing you're supposed to know you know about each fruit summer time make sure your peaches are I don't know whatever it is yep fake it you know I'm shaking stuff holding it up to the line yeah that's a good one sure glad I found that one cantaloupes roll them down the aisle see the way that's fading left that one's not ready I don't want that one I'm very impressed with this seedless watermelon product that they have for us they've done it we now have seedless watermelon pretty amazing what are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon I wonder the melons aren't humping are they they must be planted something how does this work and what kind of scientists do this type of work I read a thing was 15 years in development in the laboratories with you know gene splicing or whatever they do there I don't know I mean other scientists working on AIDS cancer or heart disease these guys ago and now I'm gonna devote myself to melon I think that's much more important sure thousands are dying needlessly with this that's got to stop you ever try and pick up a wet one off the floor it's almost impossible I really think we should devote the money to these studies milk is a big problem for people in the supermarket they're never quite sure if they have it if they need it they bury it way in the back of the supermarket you got a fine you got a hack your way through all the displays well and here it is there's the milk do we have any meal people are never really sure if they have no think you have milk we might I know there's a carton in there I don't know how much is it well what should we do cuz you want to be sure there's nothing worse than thinking you have Milton not happiness you know you got the bowl set up the cereal to spoon the napkin the TV the newspaper everything's ready to go you lift up the cart and then it's too light to light or sometimes you think you need no okay we better pick up some milk like many of you were thinking right now you know he's right maybe we should pick up somebody so you pick up some milk on the way home and then you'll discover you already had enough and now you got way too much milk that's no good either now it's a race against the clock with the expiration day that freaky thing now you're eating giant punch bowls of cereal three males that you're washing your face with milk bringing cats in from all over the neighborhood hurry up and drink it come on it's almost cry get it back over here how do they know that that is the definite exact day you know they don't say like it's in the vicinity giver tank roughly they bring it right to the side of the car minute that's your goddamn day right there oh don't screw with us we know what day is the final day and then it is so never had milk the day after the day scares the hell out of you doesn't it this phone is trembling as it comes out of the ball you'd say through the day I'm taking a big chance I smelled it you smell it wasn't supposed to smile I slowly fill to me I don't know how they're so definite um maybe the cows tip them off when they're milking them July 3rd to me the only thing tougher than the supermarket is the drugstores drugstore is really challenging because you have no idea what they're talking about you know you're just looking at in Greece I had a cold a couple weeks ago so I go in there and I'm looking it's just like the entire wall is cold medication you know and you can't understand anything so you're just reading ingredient you ever catch yourself reading ingredients in a drugstore no this has point O three tetrahydrozoline it's a good amount of that but it's so hard to figure out sometimes you know they have like this one's quick acting this one's long-lasting when do I need to feel good now we're later I don't know they always tell you how the medicine works on TV you know the commercials that's my favorite part where the guy says here's the human body so is this guy you know this guy no face mouth open this is our drug company see the public he's always got the two coming down here and then the circle area these are the complex inner workings of the human body I assume I'm sure when you go to medical school they put that up on the board the first day okay everyone now remember you've got your tube coming down from the mouth and that goes into your circle area that's pretty much all we know that's it for today don't miss tomorrow we're gonna practice making people wait in a little room in their underwear and then you'll all be doctors that's all there is to it then you have to show you the pain you know that part where they say here's where you hurt pain is usually represented by some sort of lightning attack in the guy glowing redness is popular sometimes parts of the guy's body will just burst into flames sometimes the whole guy is like out-of-focus I've never had a doctor say to me are you having any pain yes I am are you having any lightening with the pain have you been in a funhouse mirror at any time then they tell you about the pain relieving gritty there's always going to be a lot of that nobody wants anything less than extra strict extra strength is the absolute minimum you can't even get strength strength is out now it's all extra strength some people not satisfied with extra they want maximum give me the maximum strength give me the maximum allowable human dosage figure out what will kill me and then back it off a little bit what is that pharmacist have to be two-and-a-half feet higher than everybody else who the hell is this guy clear out everybody I'm working with pills up here I'm taking it from this big bottle then I'm gonna put them in a little bottle that's my whole job I can't be down on the floor with you people yes I'd like to get this prescription filled big all right but you wait down there no one comes up here for me that little bit of arrogance in the medical community I think we could all live without like when you go to see the doctor you don't see the actual doctor first you must wait in the waiting room there's no chance of not waiting that's the name of the room the doctors are all back though we can't take them now we've already got this room you sit there you pretend you reading your little magazine you're actually looking at the other people no wonder what he's good that guy's a goner then they call it he got very excited when they call you cuz you think now you're gonna see the doctor but you're not now you're going to the next smaller waiting room now you don't even have your magazine now you got your pants around your ankles you're sitting on that butcher paper they pull out over the table sometimes I bring a pickle with me and I put it next to me right there on the table face the doctor wants to fold the whole thing up for it to go water got your pants off and get in there and I will tell you what I think doctors always want your pants up take your pants off the doctor would like to see you with no pants just get him off it's my head and I said take your pants oh but I hate the extra way so I started maybe on such fooling around with us on his stuff maybe I'll turn that thing up a little bit whatever the hell that is take all the tongue depressors out lick them all put them all back there yeah to complete this waiting King just once I'd like to say to the doctor you know what I'm not ready for you yet why don't you go back in your little office I'll be in in a minute and get your pants up and we'll see what's what why is the doctor need that little office for anyway there's books little stupid aquarium I guess he doesn't want people to see him looking stuff up what the hell was that Jesus Christ I was kind of gross that wasn't the tube or the circle my friend of mine is going in for nose job next week guy no sir you know what the technical term for a nose job is well of course you do it's New York everybody right on plastic rhino now this guy is aware he has a bit of a problem he's obviously sensitive about it that's why he made the appointment do we need to compare him to a rhinoceros when you go for a hair transplant they don't say we're going to perform a q-ball ectomy on you mr. Johnson we feel the chrome dome 'ya has advanced to a level we terms danharriet these are all medical terms you don't understand of course everybody wants to look their best we're all out there money wants to look good guys gal sexuality I am a single guy by the way there are no other guys attached to me thank you very much thank you I love you too but I do feel the need to see other people I was uh I got engaged about ten or so years ago didn't want to get married I was the only close as I got um I can tell you this if your engagement you don't want to get married it's a little tense it's like you're on that first Hill of the roller coaster but you don't really want to go on the ride he's going click click click click I was best man to wedding one time that was pretty good pretty good title I thought best man I thought it was bit much I thought wait up the groom and a pretty good man that's more than enough if I'm the best man why is she marrying him Attaway that tuxedo which I'm convinced was invented by woman well they're all the same we might as well dress him all the same the tuxedo also functions as a wedding safety device for the bride case the groom chickens out everybody could just take one step over when the ceremony continues that's why they don't say do you take Dave Williams to be your lawfully wedded husband they say do you take this man what men and women will never understand each other we all know that it's just not going to happen just forget it I know I will not understand women I know I will never be able to understand how a woman could take boiling hot wax poured on her upper thighs with the hair out by the root and still be afraid of a spider I'm not spending any more time working on that and I know women don't understand men I know there are women that are looking at me right now and I wonder what goes on that little brain is it I bet you and I could manipulate that I bet you could I betcha women would like to know what men are really thinking the truth be honest choose the what men are really thinking I cuz I could tell you would you liked it up alright I'll tell you nothing we're not thinking anything we're just walking around looking around this is the only natural inclination of man just kind check stuff out we work because they force us to but other than that this is the really only thing we want to do we like women we want women but that's pretty much as far as we thought that's why we're honking car horns yelling from construction sites these are the best ideas we've had so far honking the car horn amazes me this has got to be just the last living brain cell on this guy's skull it comes up with this idea I don't understand so office she's on the street he's gonna go BB I think I made my point what is he supposed to do take off the heels start running out for the car grab on to the bumper car comes to a stop it's a good thing you huh I had no idea how you feel why do men behave in these ways why are we rude I'm not just getting drunk falling down peeling rubber making kissing noises out the window why are we like this I know what you ladies you thinking no no not my guy I'm working with him he's coming along no he's not he's not coming anywhere we men know no matter how poorly we behave it seems we will somehow end up with women anyway look around this room look at all the men you see with lovely women do you think these are special men gifted men one-of-a-kind men they're the same jerks idiots that I'm talking about you're doing just fine man as an organization are getting more women than any other group working anywhere in the world today forever women are we have men looking into the situation right now we exploit the earth looking for women even went to the moon just see if there was any women there that's why we brought that little car why would you bring a car unless there's some chance of going on a date what the hell were they doing with a car on the goddamn moon you're on the moon already isn't that far enough there is no more male idea in the history of the universe then why don't we fly up to the moon and drive around that is the essence of male thinking right there because oh man kind of think of themselves as like low level superheroes in their own world I'm not even supposed to be telling you this but when men are growing up and they're reading about that man spider-man Superman these aren't fantasies these are options this is the deep inner secret truth of the male mind I give you a perfect example of what I'm talking about Jefferson guy out on the highway moving a mattress tied to the roof of the car without families got the arm out the window holding the mattress this is classic male idiot superhero that game this [ __ ] believes if the wind catches this huge rectangle at 70 miles an hour I got it I got don't worry about I'm using my arm but I'm sure there are many dates going on in this room right now dating is not easy what is the date really but a job interview that lasts all night the only difference between a date and a job interview is not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it well billed the boss thinks you're the man for the position won't you strip down meet some of the people you'll be working with sex doesn't make anything any easier even only makes it more complicated women have two types of orgasms the actual ones and the ones that they make up on their own and I can give you the male point of view on this which is we're fine with it you do whatever the hell it is you got to do to a man sex is like a car accident anyway and determining a female orgasm is like being asked what did you see after the car went out of control well I remember I heard a lot of screeching noises I was facing the wrong way at one point and in the end my body was thrown clear I tell you what I like about Chinese people they're hanging in there with the chopsticks aren't they you know they've seen the four they're staying with the sticks I'm impressed by the I don't know how they missed it Chinese farmer gets up works in the shovel works in the field with a shovel all day shovel spoon come on there it is you're not plowing 40 acres with a couple of pool cues and why is McDonald's still counting this is really insecure isn't it forty Tilian eighty million zillion billion Kelly and tell you what what is this does it mean anything to anyone 89 million soul okay I'll have one I would love to meet the chairman of the board of McDonald's just say to them look we all get you've sold a lot of hamburgers whatever the hell the number is just put up a sign McDonald's we're doing very well I don't need to hear about every goddamn one of them but what is their ultimate goal to have cows just surrendering voluntarily or something showing up at the door we'd like to turn ourselves and we see the sign we realized we have heard little chance out there we'd like to be a happy meal if that's at all I was in London about a month ago the World Cup is going on I enjoy any sporting event where nations get involved I'm not the most exciting the Olympics is really my favorite sporting event although I think I have a problem with that silver medal I think if I was an Olympic athlete I would rather come in last thing win the silver if you think about it you know you win the gold you feel good you win the bronze I think well at least I got something but you in that so let's not congratulations you almost won of all the losers you came in first of that group you're the number one loser no one lost ahead of you and they don't lose by much you know these short races three hundreds of a second to hundreds of a second I don't know how they live with that the rest of their lives because you got to tell the story everyone wants to hear the story Wow congratulations the silver medal did you trip did you not hear the gun no walk tell us what I it's a hundredth of a second if people have what was the difference in them and they want march in there what was it well it was like from now it was like now now there now now now she's never never never done it now get out good hmm how's it I trained I worked out I exercise my entire life I never had a date I never had a drink I never had a beer I was to a push-up since I was a fetus I flew halfway around the world everybody I knew in my whole life was there that guy said they always have that photo finishing on the photo finish was always silver gold this is alright go silver bronze dead last greatest guy in the world never heard of him guys gotta be thinking if I had a pimple I would have won some of the events the Olympics don't make sense I don't understand the connection to any reality like like in the Winter Olympics they have that biathlon you know that one that combines cross-country skiing with shooting a gun how many Alpine snipers are into this ski shoot a gun ski bang bang bang to rethink combining swimming and strangle a guy why don't we have that that makes absolutely as much sense to me just put people in the pool the end of each lane for the swimmers and that other one the that I love is the luge you know the lose where the guy wears the slick suit guess what this is on the bobsled run but it's not even a [ __ ] it's just Bob it's just a human being hanging on for their life this is the holes for oh we pointed his toes oh this guy's a tremendous athlete the lose is the only sport I've ever seen that you could have people competing in it against their will and it would be exactly the same you know if they were just grabbing people off the street hey hey what is this I don't want to be in the loop now you put the helmet on him you wouldn't really hear him scream he just you're in the loose buddy whoa record didn't even want to do it I want to see that event next year the involuntary luge I consider myself something it was Portsmouth I like sporty type things scuba diving did that you know Australia that was a lot of fun another great activity where your main goal is to not die really all I was thinking about the entire day just don't die don't die don't die don't die is the fishes rock who kiss don't die swim and breathe because living is king and dying not as good so I go with this guy mr. scuba gun takes me to the store make sure I buy everything I need I had the waterproof wallet I got now nylon in case we run into a sea turtle that can break a 50 waterproof watch that's important in Kapoor head of oxygen and look at the time please now I'm dead and I'm late I like these somewhat high-risk things the school body I've gone hang gliding I've gone skydiving I like a little bit of risk I know maybe that's why I do this I saw a thing actually a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person I found that amazing number two was death death is number two this means to the average person if you have to be at a funeral you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy skydiving was definitely the scariest thing I've ever done let me ask this question in regards to the skydiving what is the point of the helmet in the skydiver I mean can you kind of make it you jump out of that plane that chute doesn't open the helmet is now wearing you for protection later on the helmets talking with the other helmets going it's a good thing he was there or I would have hit the ground directly you never jump out of a plane unless you got a human being strapped underneath it that's basic safety there are many things that we could point to as proof that the human being is not smart the helmet is my personal favorite the fact that we had to invent the helmet now why did we invent the helmet well because we were participating in many activities that were cracking our heads we looked at the situation we chose not to avoid these activities but to just make little plastic hats so that we can continue our head crack and lifestyles the only thing dumber than the helmet is the helmet law the point of which is to protect a brain that is functioning so poorly it's not even trying to stop the cracking of the head that it's in at least the helmet is functional clothing I appreciate that clothing to me for the most part it's just a tremendous pain yes if you think of the amount of time mental effort physical energy that goes into your clothes picking them buying them does that go with it I don't think I can wear that I'm missing a button this is dirty I gotta get something new that's up my ass I think we should all wear the same exact clothes because it seems to be what happens eventually anyway anytime you see a movie or a TV show with these people from the future or another planet they're all wearing the same outfit I think the decision just gets made alright everyone from now on it's just gonna be the one piece silver suit with the V stripe and the boots that's the outfit we're going to be visiting other planets who want to look like a team here the individuality thing is oh the dry cleaner I can't stay cuz I don't think he's doing it I don't know what goes on back there but I cannot conceive of such a thing is actual dry-cleaning we all accept it because you see the stores everybody but think about it dry well what is dry you can't clean something try what do they do tap it shake it blow on if there's gonna be some kind of a liquid bathroom Jimmy get something on your clothes and get it on for the fingernail that's dry cleaning that is the only dry clean I brought this guy in a suede jacket got spots on because I was in the rain says there's nothing we can do water ruins leather no aren't cows outdoors a lot of the time what a range of the cows go up to the farmhouse hey let us say Rahl wearing leather out here hey open up madam sway a woman's way dryclean only it's definitely the only warning label that human beings actually respect you know they look at cigarettes this give you can to kill you kids everything that's good I'll do whatever the hell I want don't drink this medicine and operate heavy machinery now look look look look who cares that's what people are going to what the hell they're doing on the prowl but if you have something that's dry clean only and someone goes to put it in the wash machine don't put in the why frankly are you crazy out of your mind it is amazing what people will believe I mean I watched these infomercials late at night if it gets late enough the product start to look good to me I have actually found myself sitting there thinking you know I don't think I have a knife that can cut through a shoe I don't think any of my knives are good enough to cut through shoes I'm gonna get this knife and cut my shoes up that seems pretty good I think the dumbest thing you can think late at night is you know I'm going to get this thing in get in shape it's like 3:00 in the morning you got potato chip crumbs on your shirt you got one eye open one sock hanging off look but yeah I'm gonna start working out with this thing I'm gonna order this thing this is all I need to get in shape this is a fantastic device ripoff can't stop getting ripped off we're gonna get ripped off we think we're not we think we're very clever we think we're gonna foil the crooks you know we go to the beach go in the water put your wallet in the sneaker who's gonna know what criminal mind could penetrate this fortress their security I put it down by the toe they never look there and check the heels they move on we have a mover TD set in the backseat of your car then you got to leave the car on the street for a few minutes so you put a sweater over the tube to cut my sweaters that's all one of them is square with antenna coming out of it so feeble the things we come up with the foil crooks the white the wanted posters at the post office your you there you got your package you're trying to mail something this guy's wanted in 12 states yeah now what okay I checked the guy standing a line behind me if it's not him that's pretty much all I can do why don't they just hold on to this guy when they're taking his picture the guy's bare with you come out from behind the counter grabba now we don't do that we take their picture we let them go that's how we get the front and side shot the front of his face the side is him leaving why don't they put the pictures of the criminals on the postage stamps let the postman look for him he's out there walking around all day he's got the uniform on can't he do something we got another letter for you here mr. Johnson so we really did have a good time on this is the end of our of a long tour and when you're on the road you always have to do whatever anyone suggests that day because you have nothing to do and you have no ideas so you do whatever I want anyone suggest so a couple weeks ago we go to the track I haven't I did that a couple times in my life betting on the horses you can't possibly win I don't even understand what we're betting on I mean to the horses know that it's a race are they aware what is going on here after the race of the horses walking back to the stable I was third I was first I was nine I think they're thinking Oh an egg I get my whole bag now Oh bag I got a bet on this idiot I mean I'm sure the horses have some idea that the jockey is in a big hurry I mean he's on him he's hitting him with the thing he's going come on come on this is obviously he he's in a hurry the jockeys in hurry but the horse must get to the end and go we were just here what was the point this is where we were that was the longest possible route for me to stay here we would have been fools I'll tell you one thing the horses definitely do not know they do not know you should accidentally trip and break your leg at any point during the race we blow your brains out I think you're missing that little tidbit of information I think if they knew that you'd see some mighty careful stepping coming down that homestretch take it easy take it easy you win I'll place whatever wharton thing is your hell I've fun horseback riding I can't do that and they don't give you the really good horses when you're not good at and I found out the guys see what level rider would you say that you are I said I don't know zero nothing whatever the system is I can't do it is that clear enough for you I'm going where the horse wants to go that's my level birth to hear that they start looking around alright is gluestick back yet how about almost dead will you saddle him up so I get on this u-shaped lightning-quick Steve I got the only horse you could put your feet flat on the ground while you're right I'm riding a hammock here looking up with my friends I don't feel like we all got the same kind of horse here it's kind of a secure feeling I could walk along with him with my Harley my heat and the horse wasn't too thrilled with having me either cuz I don't know what the hell I'm doing so he takes control going this way going that way I'm trying to come on come on then they just stop you know and what is it anyway they look up at you chill out Hopalong I know the trail yeah I'm here every goddamn day okay and I really appreciate the kicking while I'm taking a leak yeah yeah thanks a lot that really improves the already wonderful life that I have people either sitting on me you are kicking me while I'm peeing I'm living in a paradise here at the range get out of a car that has 300 horsepower so I could sit on an animal that has one why do we even use the term horsepower is that to further humiliate horses the Space Shuttle Rockets have 20 million horsepower is there any point until comparing it to the horses or any chance of going back to using Rockets with horses trying to keep track of how many we're gonna need eight horses a rocket engines broke down can you get 20 million friends together really fast 20 million that's a log they make glue out of horses I don't know who started that who saw that potential that's pretty amazing to me are you working in a stationery store a horse walks by hey wait a minute I think he could be glue how do we pick out the really sticky ones you leave that to me what about that one over there he's weaving around it looks like he's out of his mind he'll be crazy glue today the toughest part of that horse life is that trailer what why do they make the horse trail like that is that the best way to move a horse out on the highway with their huge fat disgusting rear ends right in my face do the horses like it they're probably standing in the back going do you feel a draft bill I can't say anything back there but it's awfully breezy isn't it you don't think our huge fat asses are hanging out the back of this truck why the hell would they do that to us they already ride us around and keep this wall opinion why sticker a slit of a truck but I have fully adjusted to the road I like hotels I enjoy tiny soap I pretend that it's normal soap and my muscles are huge and you can always tell when you're in a find quality luxury hotel when the TV is bolted to a solid steel beam welded into the wall is this a big problem in the hotel business people coming up to the desk I'd like to check out the main thing is the bathroom the shower that's got to be good that's why I don't like to stay with people on the road I don't want to be in other people's showers I never know how to operate them you know I mean you can never get the ratios right on the dials sometimes or six things if the range is a thousand degree you got to get out of

Channel: Jimmy Carr 2015

Views: 854,904

Rating: 4.3175459 out of 5

Keywords: Jerry Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld I'm Telling You For The Last Time, Jerry Seinfeld I'm Telling You For The Last Time Full Show, Stand Up Comedy Central 2015, jerry seinfeld comedians in cars getting coffee bill burr, Stand-up Comedy (TV Genre), jerry seinfeld chopped liver

Id: HQGUHwBb4Bw

Length: 86min 39sec (5199 seconds)

Published: Wed Nov 25 2015