SLENDER MAN (2018) - The Dumbest Horror Movie In Existence

that's freaking me out what does she do so is this what we're doing now is this what people find scary it's very black you can't see much yes darkness can be scary if used correctly in most cases it feels like these directors are like let's just make it as dark as possible and then that will make people frightened it doesn't even matter how we use the darkness as long as it's dark as how so you can't see anything now that is spooky who knows what's over here it could be anything over there it could be a ghost over there it could be a monster over there it's the unknown that's scary it could pop out any moment oh no what's that what's that oh man that's that's scary okay much better what really bums me out about the newest Slenderman movie this character has some serious potential to be very scary there are real-life incidents with this character involved there's the Waukesha stabbing involving two twelve-year-old girls holding down another girl in the middle of a forest and stabbing her almost to death in the name of Slenderman Anissa wire revealing to investigators it was Morgan's idea to kill Payton to prove themselves quote worthy to Slenderman the victim of this attack was so terrorized by this she ended up sleeping with scissors underneath her pillow it has brought legitimate terror and pain to real-life people in this world then Sylvain white comes along and brings us this masterpiece noise I remember watching a movie called the Slenderman it was released in 2013 and it was so boring this review is pretty much word-for-word my thoughts sure the Slender Man is only 78 minutes long but the director somehow manages to make it feel like 78 years so when I found out about this movie in early 2018 I thought oh good finally we might get a decent Slender Man movie something that will be at least a little bit entertaining and yeah we did get that in a way there's this random shot of these shopping carts in the beginning so then we're introduced to these two young girls and right away people are thinking about the stabbing that happened in real life with the two girls and you're thinking oh wow this is gonna get really serious these girls are supposed to be best friends but it sounds like they're having their first conversation ever like they were just introduced to one another Twitter pull you could stay one age forever what would it be easy 21 no way I'd be 10 no time was the worst man I say 30 it's like the height of sophistication feels so awkward between them it doesn't sound natural at all there's this scene of Halley's family eating dinner together oh my god it drags why is there such a long pause in between every single line of dialogue this scene feels like it takes a [ __ ] hour these girls have these cringy fake laughs hey cow so what's the big secret I mean I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you if I told you that I'd have to kill you no you have to kill you if I told you I'd have to kill you in that time I tell you but then I'd have to kill you if I told you that I'm afraid I'd have to kill you if I told you that I'm afraid I'd have to kill you well I could tell you I could tell you that Helpers trap what they don't have to kill you I can tell you but I'd have to kill you if I told you I could say Victoria's Secret but then I'd have to kill you it's a secret I told you I'm going to say two words to you right now I want you to listen to them very very carefully now I want you to take them out of the office with you and incorporate them in into your life write them down well if it makes you comfortable it's just two words most we find most people can can't remember them you ready yes okay here there do you think I could hang out with you guys ah not tonight grasshopper sorry maybe maybe next time did you just call her a grasshopper you want to tell us why she doesn't look like a young Shaolin monk to me so then this group of girls decide to hang out in this dimly lit basement and start talking about porn so then they decide to summon the Slender Man through this video that they found online basically it's like a creepypasta thing it tells them to wait until they hear like three bells toll and then open their eyes and then they see all this crazy stuff happen boom you just summoned a Thunderman those who hear the three bells toll accept his invitation when you hear the first you must close your eyes keeping words unspoken [Applause] are you serious this is Shh that girl just spoke in the middle of it doesn't that void the whole thing keeping where it's unspoken didn't it tell them not to say anything or is it like really loose rules you know you can kind of open your eyes a little bit you can say a couple of words but just you know try out to speak you know be courteous so they opened their eyes and they see a tree that looks like Slenderman why are their bells it doesn't make any sense I get the forest because that's where the Slenderman goes for some reason even though you know he's summoned online but he likes the woods because he's tall and slender he likes the trees because he can hide amongst them and then there's like this horror subliminal message trailer edit type thing with a bunch of flashing images that's the evil stuff that's supposed to some of them I feel like they took half of this from the movie of the Ring but in this movie there's all these flashing images that are just kind of random but in the ring all the images that you saw were relevant it wasn't just some spooky stuff to flash in your face so it would scare you if I pause this video at random moments it doesn't make any sense like what is this it's like a triangle with the eye thing in the middle oh I get it slender man's part of the Illuminati here's one that kind of makes sense with the pregnant belly and the holes in it because Slenderman likes going after kids so okay okay maybe that one gets a pass this one looks like a bunch of Springs or something here's an image that you can get on a shirt from Urban Outfitters why is there a Zelda Triforce on top of the woods there the Slenderman play The Legend of Zelda maybe the connection here is that you know link starts out in in the woods right and Thunderman likes the woods that's why there's a bunch of trees there so he's like oh I like The Legend of Zelda and kids play The Legend of Zelda uh-huh and he likes kids it's all connected it's all connected as to why his victims are kids why he wears a suit why he has no face why there's a video that summons him on the internet why he has tendrils coming out his back what he is who he is who he was what the heck is it just stop asking questions none of that Borton okay he's just a creepy monster what do you want from me an explanation God I'm not saying you can't leave anything up to the imagination but some explanation would be nice while his origins and motives are completely unknown he preys upon innocent youth hi I'm Jared the subway guy if this video was just floating around the internet lots of people would have watched it and lots of people would have done the same exact thing that they did so then lots of people would just go missing randomly and lots of people would be killed and all these people that went missing their browser history would link back to this video you don't think anybody would want to investigate their computer if they went missing unless Slenderman erases all their browsing history maybe this is the first group of girls ever to do what this video tells them to do maybe it was released just the other day maybe Slenderman posted it on YouTube just the other day like who made this video there's just so many unanswered questions it's so dumb then we get our first awful CGI scene she has this nightmare and her face gets all distorted serious and it just gets worse Oh God like as the movie goes on it gets more and more ridiculous and it just becomes laughable so then the girl Katie goes missing so it's safe to assume the Slenderman has her there's these loud noise jump scares that I hate don't get me wrong you can use loud noises as long as they make sense for the scene as long as the loud noise is made properly and authentically something happens in the scene that makes the loud noises not just a loud noise these girls had their friend disappear out of nowhere and they're still like just walking the streets alone at night you'd assume that they would be afraid and you assumed their parents wouldn't want them to do that so then the girls find a video that Katie posted online the night before she disappeared and in the video it sounds like she was just about to get attacked by Slenderman so does that mean that in the middle of getting attacked by Slenderman she stopped the video and found a way to upload it to the website before he attacked her so then there's this scene of Katie's dad showing up at Holly's house all possessed and crazy did he not think to call first before entering her house why did he lose his mind was it Slenderman and then he attacks Haley like an insane person does he think Halle has her kidnapped in her basement or something why would it ever cross his mind to go to Holly's house an attacker in order to get Katie bag like so Ren talks to this random person on the internet that tells her that she has to give something to Slenderman in order to get her friend back so they trust this random person so they all go out into the forest in the middle of the night it's pitch black and they think by bringing some random trash that they think is valuable to them and giving it to Slenderman like sacrificing it in his name well please him and in doing so he'll just give back Katie I made this in pottery class this is a picture for me and my dad my grandma made this why the [ __ ] would Slenderman be interested in a random picture of you your pottery a random thing that your grandma stitched together what how does this making any sense you think he's just sitting behind a tree somewhere like oh yeah break that pottery baby here have your friend back that's all I wanted see now the world's perfect again these are the dumbest girls on earth and what's more they use blindfolds like they put blindfolds on they just sit there in the middle the forest we have to keep these blindfolds on so let me get this straight all three of you are trusting this random person online when they tell you to go out into the middle of the woods in the middle of the night and put blindfolds on and wait for this mysterious thing to come out of nowhere and take your trash and give you your friend that's missing sounds legit yeah they'll probably work I think you Slenderman is the least of your worries whatever bear comes I have nowhere and like just start Smalling on them and eats them they hear something walking up to them they think it's Slenderman about to take their random [ __ ] and then you're sitting there all silent oh we're fine he's gonna give us Katy everything's gonna be great then all of a sudden this bear just bites Chloe's neck and they're like oh [ __ ] no dark this scene is you can't see anything so then they start hearing these bells toll like they did in the video that they watched online do you hear that that's kind of weird like what does Slenderman walk around the bell oh I do like the cicada thing though it's a scary noise I like that inclusion so then Chloe takes her blindfold off and somehow she's able to see something in the pitch-black woods like I can't even see what's going on how can she and then she starts running for it get out of those woods girl so Slenderman decides not to kill Chloe in this scene for whatever reason he's just like oh I'll just let her live even though it's really easy to kill her right now he probably could have killed all three of them in the woods I'm not sure why I didn't he's very selective so he spared Chloe in the woods only to harass her later by facetiming her for seemingly no reason okay why is he facetiming her from outside of her house I know that he's altering her perception but why is he doing this to freak her out I'm right outside I'm coming to get you I'm coming to get you but then he strangles her but she looks in the mirror and he's not there and it turns out she's actually strangling herself then there's this awful ADR scream there's a scene where Holly is hanging out with her boyfriend Slenderman alters Holly's perception and makes her boyfriend tweak out and it's hilarious [Music] I can't believe this made it in the movie [Music] [Applause] so Hallie sees Slenderman in the distance and he has these really awful cgi tentacles then there's this scene in the library and the teacher walks out and there's a loud sound oh it's such an awful jump scare amazing when these happen I don't care at all I just get annoyed it just tells me that the director didn't know any other way to make this scene scary other than to try and catch the viewers off-guard with a loud noise so then the lights go off in the library but they didn't actually go off Slenderman is just altering her perception if this is one of his abilities why is he using it so poorly why would he use it in a library when there's other people around wait till she's alone and then alter her perception make her walk somewhere where you can snag her up God Thunder man is awful at his job I can practically hear the rule 34 fanfics being typed as I watch this are you gonna piss your pants maybe [ __ ] and come so we're gonna go you little baby she's saved because she trips near the teacher if it's so easy for someone to get knocked out of their illusion I don't understand why he did it in the library like what oh my god then there's an awful shot through a window it looks terrible one of the funniest scenes by far is when Hallie has a nightmare near the end of the movie she's pregnant and then randomly these branches shoot out of her belly and break glass it's so weird oh my god [Applause] what the hell was that dude that feel when you give birth to an end from lower the rings she enters wrens pitch-black house and doesn't turn the lights on for some reason like the lights clearly work still in wrens room they're like a million drawings and articles plastered all over the wall how is she doing all this without her parents noticing they never go in her room so Slenderman can kill these girls whenever he wants to but he just likes toying with them and you know scaring them before he kills them or something so then Hallie finds rent about to jump out of her bedroom window this house isn't all that tall I think she went up like one flight of stairs so if she did jumps you just break her legs so then Slenderman facetimes Ren and infiltrates the house so then these random tree branches grab Ren through the window and pull her outside but the CGI is some of the worst I've seen but they spare Hallie for some reason it's not her time yet so then Hallie goes out into the woods towards this random gate because she wants to die apparently either that or she's not in control of her body in which case they did a really bad job portraying that and they just really cheap and cliche horror movie trick that's been done a billion times when a character looks one way nothing's there and then they look back and then bully Wow something's there down we've seen this a million times before it's not scary anymore we all see this stuff coming Kali has accepted her fate and goes up to Slenderman and she's like just take me I don't care anymore but then runs away when he grows CGI spider legs he actually grew CGI spider legs so she's running away now because she changed her mind because now he's scary you know those spider legs all bad don't keep away bro that that's spooky is spooky [ __ ] so then this tree eats pally I'm not joking it just got like devours her so slender man controls trees the Internet people's minds he can grow spider legs he's got tentacle arms what else can he do can he surf it's kind of hard to imagine that someone saw the final product of this movie and they were like hey that looks good that's great I love it let's release it do I even want to know the budget of this movie ten million dollars the characters may have been killed or lost their minds but ironically this movie killed Slenderman [Music] [Music] [Music]

Channel: Elvis The Alien

Views: 3,889,389

Rating: 4.9514794 out of 5

Keywords: slender man, slender man movie, slender man review, slenderman, slenderman movie, slender man 2018, slender man 2018 movie, elvis the alien, elvisthealien

Id: e1MvTMei0vQ

Length: 21min 31sec (1291 seconds)

Published: Sun Feb 24 2019