THE VELOCIPASTOR - A Movie So Stupid I Fell In Love With It

this movie cured my boyfriend's ball cancer can't thank you enough if that's the kind of power this movie has then i guess we're in for a bit of a ride people have been recommending this movie to me for weeks so i'm doing what i do best and i'm sacrificing my soul for your guys entertainment i'm going to be watching this movie called the velocipaster you heard that correct this is a movie about a pastor that can turn into a dinosaur and i thought a movie about a drone being possessed by someone was weird but here we are the movie starts by saying this rated x by an all-christian jury so really it's rated pg then we're introduced to doug he exits the church and his parents are there and he watches as they indiscriminately just blow up i heard that they blew up but on the screen it just shows vfx car on fire if it isn't readily apparent obviously this movie is a giant meme and i love it doug is all upset that his parents just blew up in front of him for no reason so he goes to father stewart and he's like why would god let this happen and then father stewart consoles him in the weirdest way possible he says it's what parents do they die on you but they didn't just die they were killed in a terrible accident like a second before that was forgotten about by the editor clearly it wasn't that big of a deal so father stewart tells doug to go where god won't follow that's kind of an interesting thing to say to a pastor if you're super religious when you say like oh god works in mysterious ways but no this guy's like just go or god won't see you so doug travels to china you can tell because the text on screen says china and he also says the word china china yes he's in china china china so there's this random woman running from a ninja she gets shot in the back with an arrow um by someone who clearly doesn't know how to use a bow i'm surprised it had any force behind it she runs into doug with an arrow through her chest and doug goes are you hurt no she's fine dude she's fine look at her just look at her so she gives doug this horn thing and she says in mandarin something like destroy it or they will hunt you forever and then the horn burns doug's hand it's a magical horn magical mystery horn from the dinosaurs that turns you into a dinosaur so doug wakes up from her dream and father stewart is there stewart gives doug like a super awkward hug bye and apparently doug is very hungry hungry i mean he keeps saying it over and over so it must be true hungry whenever something comes to mind he just says it over and over he's in china so try not trying to try china i'm hungry i'm hungry hungry hungry hungry if he was in a strip club would he just walk around saying boo boo boo boo boo boo boo so then we're introduced to this hooker named carol and her pimp frankie mermaid and apparently his name is frankie mermaid because he's swimming in [ __ ] the movie said it not me cause you're swimming in [ __ ] you're goddamn right they could have fooled me because i mean his hairline is looking a little disastrous maybe he meant like he has a lot of like [ __ ] working for him that's probably what he what he meant he greets carol very nicely but then he slaps her it's very out of nowhere and abrupt carol hello oh and he's like stop questioning what i do but she didn't question what you do maybe she did earlier but we didn't see that so it's very confusing the next scene doug is in the middle of the woods at night he's transforming into some sort of lizard i'm guessing this is when his dinosaur transformations begin carol is also wandering around this place at night and she gets approached by this guy with a gun he's like give me all your money little did he know there was a dinosaur man around and he gets jumped by dino doug [Music] so dino doug is on top of this guy eating him but then he just kind of gets off of him and then the guy gets up and starts walking like why do you get off of him did he want to digest the first couple bites like what i'm confused what so then the guy takes out his bb gun it's one of those awful like single fire airsoft pistols where you have to like shoot and then [ __ ] it and shoot and cut it in this scene we get our first glimpse of dino doug in all his glory the velocipaster it looks very realistic practical effects on point guys nicely done the next day carol walks in on doug in bed so what did she bring the dino home or does the dinosaur thing kind of work like a werewolf did she carry him back i mean that's kind of hard to believe she'd have to be pretty strong right she says oh last night was amazing insinuating that she banged a dinosaur i mean she's a hooker so maybe she can make that work but um what it's later revealed that she didn't bang the dinosaur so she reveals to doug that he transformed into a dinosaur and ate someone and his response is hilarious what i love the terrible manual zoom it like goes out of focus let's see if i can do that what in this scene we get the conundrum you know of a priest that turns into a dinosaur because he's like dinosaurs don't exist dinosaurs never existed and even if they did i don't transform into one so carol's like yo i can prove it i can bring you to the body that you killed and doug's like all right let's go see it but he has nothing to wear so he borrows carol's dress an orange dress he looks very cute so they go to the woods where the body is and she's like oh here's the body and doug's like oh my god i can't believe it so then she tells him that she's a hooker and then she touches him and he freaks out that's a touch not thy sinning hands so then carol tries to convince doug to use his powers to hunt down bad guys and kill them as a dinosaur and doug's like hell no i'm not doing that i'm late for my confessions so he runs away how does he know it's time for confessions he doesn't have a watch on him they just guess was it the positioning of the sun that gave it away so doug rushes to confessions and who is there to confess other than frankie mermaid you know the pimp that's swimming in [ __ ] i'm kind of confused why he named himself frankie mermaid there's a lot of things that swim that are cooler than mermaids right like frankie shark frankie stingray i mean that would make more sense right because stingrays have a long stinger and you could nickname your dick the stinger you could even have a stinger tattooed on your dick maybe i'm thinking about this too much so frankie confesses to a bunch of heinous [ __ ] and one of those being that he killed doug's parents in front of the church this [ __ ] old couple i bought their car it was right in front of this church kind of gave me a hug on padre and frankie says that the reason he killed doug's parents is because it was a job you'll see who wanted his parents dead later but so doug he doesn't like that very much so he turns into a dinosaur not completely just his hands so doug uses his raptor claws to reach through the confession booth screen and grab frankie mermaid by the neck spiders will just kill me now okay he slashed real good and he starts screaming because he's in pain oh goodness ouch that hurts frankie dies in the church i'm assuming where was father stewart he just wasn't around conveniently and nobody else was either so that's strange and where did doug hide the body that doesn't matter let's move on so doug goes back to carol and he's like all right let's do this thing i'm dino doug the superhero and you are my hooker sidekick he's kind of like a weird version of the hulk you know not as powerful has has sharper nails just not as strong and then we get these beautiful lines of dialogue carol says i don't i don't know much about god and then doug replies i don't know much about dinosaurs it's beautiful modern shakespeare so carol and doug have this moment when you think they're about to kiss but then they just kind of have this this bro high five you know they can't they can't kiss he's a priest so a dino priest that that kills people then we get a montage of doug training devouring bad guys teaching carol about religion and just being a straight badass dino man in the next scene we get shown a very convincing ninja camp remember those ninjas in the beginning yeah well here's their camp they're wearing like these dollar store ninja outfits there's this white dude there too i mean you'll see who he is later but so the master ninja guy is like all right we need to find this dinosaur man and kill him and then we'll be able to do our drug stuff in peace and then they both maniacally laugh like evil geniuses it's it's very uncomfortable and then we see doug reading a book called crime two i think it's supposed to be the sequel to the original book of crime doug really wants that inside scoop on the criminals so he can take them down as a as a dinosaur father stewart comes into the room and dog doesn't want him to see he's reading this book of crime he very cleverly hides the book by putting the bible over the other book but the bible is kind of small it's very obvious that that he's not actually reading the bible he's very cunning you can tell so doug moronically thinks it's a good idea to tell stuart about this dinosaur power that he has okay i can come up with a million reasons why he shouldn't have done that stuart is just like yeah you need an exorcism bro you've gone insane and doug's like well that didn't go as planned so then doug has a flashback of his parents they're all just laughing at the kitchen table at what no one knows just laughing oh okay and then we see them in a car and his dad gives him some advice and then he's like hop on out mom and i will take a drive and then we'll pick you up from priest college priest college is that like the name of the college it's just called priest college very descriptive we're then introduced to this vampire looking guy apparently this is the exorcist that will cure doug he looks like an extra from pirates of the caribbean so doug tells him about everything that's happening and then father stewart has this very random flashback of a time when he was in vietnam he watches his good friend die right in front of him and then he's seen writing a note to his friend's parents you know letting them know what happened and then his wife comes out of nowhere in vietnam how'd she get there who knows [Music] and she runs towards him and he's like hell yeah this is the best day of my life except she's now in a war zone so she runs towards him and then she gets eviscerated right in front of his face she literally turns into a puddle and then one of his fellow soldiers goes there's not much we can do for her she's too far gone another goddamn vc trip mine i don't think we can do anything for her now she's too far gone you don't say apparently she walked on a trip mine i guess that was literally right in front of stuart that didn't affect stewart at all so that's weird flash forward to current time vampire guy has his cape on now so he's more in character he's got a satanic key thing around his neck very cute as this vampire guy chants you can see that the dinosaur is starting to come out of doug stewart is in shock do you see his face that is the face of shock so dino doug in a fit of fury pokes steward with one of his dino claws in this one shot of dog transforming he's just straight up wearing dinosaur gloves they're just straight up dinosaur gloves i love how before doug attacks stewart he basically just like waves at him with the dino gloves on he's like hey i'm a dinosaur so if doug just randomly lashed out at stuart when he turned into a dinosaur because he couldn't control himself then how come he could control himself when carol was around remember when carol was being held up by the guy with the gun and then he ate the guy with the gun but not carol why he can't control himself in the dinosaur form at least that's what they showed us with the stewart scene it's not making a whole lot of sense movie they're definitely trying to make this movie as ridiculous as possible and i appreciate that in the next scene doug is stumbling through the forest as three ninjas track him down the lead ninja who's australian you can tell because he says crikey okay i would question why there's an australian ninja but what i really want to know is why he wasn't using a boomerang there's a girl ninja and a chinese ninja the chinese ninja is just thinking about this girl and does this have any relevance to the plot no none whatsoever in fact doug kills them pretty much instantly and then they flash a picture of the girl on screen right afterwards why so doug runs to carol's place all distraught he's injured by the ninjas so i guess he's ninjured [Music] by the ninjas but carol is horny and she doesn't care so she's like just kiss me sorry no time to mend duggy boy it's time for a kiss and then doug goes i think i'm still bleeding like i kind of need help and she's like i don't care kiss me then the movie plays rock music as they undress and [ __ ] the next morning ninjas invade their room as a fight breaks out carol the hooker and doug as just normal doug not a dinosaur just doug somehow they're able to defeat these trained ninjas one of the ninjas says remember your faith father jones before passing out and he has a cross on him so all this is connected oh my god guys something's happening so these are like christian ninjas the ninjas of christ the noc in the next scene father stewart is being held at the ninja camp of course he understands mandarin because why wouldn't you right everybody in this movie understands mandarin for some reason so this master ninja guy has this evil plan that makes no sense but i'll explain it to you anyway so this group of ninjas are like really devout christians and they desperately want to convert everybody else to their religion and the best way to do this is to get everybody hooked on your very addictive drug and then stop production altogether so they're all addicts but they have nothing to use they will all turn to god because they don't have their drug anymore it's perfect it's a seamless plan and then they'll have their army of religious people to take over the world that's that's their plan i can think of a billion reasons this wouldn't work what are you the only supplier of this drug no you're not because they said earlier in the movie that it's cocaine and just because someone is going through rehab doesn't mean they'll automatically turn to god father stewart doesn't question any of this he's just like it's inhuman so the master ninja guy is like all right no use for you and then they kill stuart one of the ninjas that infiltrated doug's place told doug where the ninja hideout is they don't show how this happened it just did good thing that ninja told us where the hideout was before he died i don't need to see it that's good enough i mean i would like to imagine that he was like biting on the guy's arm in his dino form and then carol was like where is the ninja base you're gonna tell me or he's gonna eat your arm so doug and carol go to the ninja base doug has nunchucks very cool i don't know why he needs them i mean he turns into a t-rex but with very little arms that couldn't use the num chucks i mean it would be kind of funny a t-rex with nunchucks remember this random white ninja well that's sam doug's brother that we didn't know existed until now so yeah apparently sam was ignored by their parents and they only loved doug and this made sam hate his parents why did their parents not like sam well they don't explain that they just didn't like him it's probably because he was born a ginger and doesn't have a soul and they're very religious in his defense he's not full ginger he's like five percent ginger he's like just barely ginger like if you took a sugar cookie and like put a little dab of ginger on it like a little like a little bit that would be him but no no this family no ginger allowed at least that's what i think they don't explain it so remember those flashback scenes of doug and his family well sam was there too but they were all ignoring sam he's just standing there looking miserable with his glass of oj and then the scene in the car he's in like the trunk area he just pops up hey i'm here why are you there they're dropping doug off at college did you just come along for the ride and their father keeps saying you're my only son you're my only son why do they dislike sam so much f's in the chat for sam so sam was the guy that hired the mermaid dude to kill their parents and he just happens to be working with the ninja group that wants to kill doug right because he touched the tooth thing it's connected very seamlessly i mean it's so sam takes out this sword and he's like i will not stain the sword of my ancestors with the blood of you because my parents loved you more and that's why i hate you and so he throws the sword into the ground and he runs at doug so then two minutes into the fight uh sam reaches for the sword anyway you know he's like all right well i take back what i said i kind of need the sword now but not before doug uses the dino force and he pulls the blade towards his hand and boom doug has the sword now what are you gonna do sam you're screwed so sam just kind of stands there as doug walks up and stabs him in the leg and doug goes your ancestors are my ancestors do you guys get it because they're related they're brothers very powerful stuff sam's death scene is very wet like there's something wrong with this blood it just looks like red water like red gatorade they probably would have had better luck with ketchup so carol who has no training takes on three ninjas at once because the power of a hooker that's why so this random black ninja calls to this random white ninja in a tent oh my god this is like a super ninja and he pulls out a sword and he walks up to carol and just like slices her she doesn't do anything she just kind of stands there and he just slices her it's not very deep though like it's just a surface level cut but she's coughing up blood anyway so doug runs over to her and he's holding her and she's like coughing up blood and she's like oh my god i'm dying this is it for me and he's like no no please no and so she dies and the ninjas are crying in the background you know they feel for doug in this moment it makes sense like they wouldn't be trying to kill him right now this is a really powerful moment i mean where's the master ninja what is he doing is he just like jerking off in a tent probably so dino doug is not happy but the ninjas don't really seem all that threatened they're like yo look at all of us there's only one of you what are you gonna do huh that is until he becomes the velocipastor or the uh veloci hunchback because what the hell is wrong with this dino suit that they're using tyrannic klungo looking ass put way too many books in his backpack as a kid or something because damn something's going wrong i'm just saying dino doug desperately needs a back brace but regardless of the hunchback he bottles around and he struts his stuff and he defeats all these ninjas i like that there's a hole in his crotch this dinosaur's dick is just missing poor dinosaur is a eunuch it seems is that because he's a pastor they can't use it anyway the fight scene goes on a little bit longer than it should i think there's one part when this ninja like jumps over the dinosaur and knocks it to the ground and it's so funny so the master ninja guy finishes like masturbating in the tent so he comes out and he shoots the dinosaur in the leg so the dino is out of the dug it's not dino dug anymore it's just dug the master walks over and starts like prodding the arrow in his leg like a [ __ ] like oh does that hurt yeah but there's one thing that the master forgot the dino hands are immune to the arrow's powers and so doug uses his dino claws to murder the master ninja do you have any pasta so he uses his super strong dino claws to remove the master's head and it's so realistic it looks so good incredible incredible work i'm pretty sure they just found like a regular mannequin head and put like a chinese mustache on it and then there's a random quote by gandhi put on the screen no reason and it looks like this is where the movie's gonna end but it doesn't it just keeps going remember when carol was like coughing up blood and she clearly died earlier well boo hoo you're the fool because she's fine the next scene shows doug at the hospital talking to this ridiculous looking doctor he looks like dr mario he has that big thing on his head and he's smoking in the office it's very strange so doug goes to see carol and she's fine she even says so twice i'm fine i'm fine and if you weren't convinced the screen says it too thanks movie i really appreciate this movie puts things in layman's terms you know like just in case i didn't really fully understand they make sure i do the movie ends with doug leaning against this badass car because he's a new man he tossed religion aside and he's now just dino doug it's time for him to take the fight to crime as a new superhero the velocipastor hell yeah also he has a wedgie thought i would mention that this scene kind of gave me mad max vibes i'm not sure if that's what they were going for but them leading up against this car and i don't know i'm looking way too far into it thank you brendan steer for this masterpiece this movie was an amazing meme i loved it it's so stupid so yeah i think that will do it thank you so much for watching my video if you got this far i really appreciate it new season of alien clothing is available now season seven hell yeah we got a bunch of new stuff over there go over to alienclothing.com to see all the new shirts i'm wearing one of them in this video this is it it's [ __ ] awesome so yeah go check out all those designs i think you guys will like them a lot if there's any other movie that you think i should review please put it in the comment section down below alright guys see you in the next one and always remember if dinosaurs don't exist in your religion they exist in your hearts that that was a quote by [Music] gandhi [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] you

Channel: Elvis The Alien

Views: 1,295,828

Rating: 4.9629292 out of 5

Keywords: movie review, the velocipastor, elvis the alien, movie so stupid I fell in love with it, elvisthealien, velocipastor, velocipastor movie review

Id: OM2JRYvXEac

Length: 25min 40sec (1540 seconds)

Published: Tue May 19 2020