r/Relationships - My Boyfriend Is Hung Up On My 'Body Count'...

g'day there guys it's your main man marky back at it again with another episode of r slash relationship advice now if you love me like i love you i want you to sit back relax chuck a prawn on the barbie and enjoy today's bloody good contents posted by user throw ra i don't know 108 titled my boyfriend isn't okay with me being promiscuous in the past i'm a 21 female dating my boyfriend 23 male i understand some people don't like their partner's body counts and it can be a big deal breaker in some cases but my boyfriend asked me what my body count was and told me not to lie to him and i was completely honest to him my body count is more than 10 but less than 20 not going to be completely specific and he got upset right away and stated since i'm a woman i should hold myself to a higher standard he has said that women who are promiscuous deserve to be treated like thoughts and i got offended about that he thought that i'm overreacting for getting offended at him for telling me that we ended up making up and moving on and he doesn't mistreat me often but he has showed signs that he doesn't trust me as much since the whole conversation like he constantly needs to know my location edits he did specify that i wasn't a thought and he wasn't calling me one he says that he can respect women but not thoughts he says that it's his opinion and i was weird for being offended but i will be rethinking our relationship edits wow i got more replies than i thought i would get thank you all for the advice i have been trying to read every single comment but there is a lot a lot of you were asking what his body count was and it was lower than mine which is also a reason why he hated my number but i will bring this up later on after i'm done work and have another talk with him he doesn't mistreat you often that is a pretty low standard to base a relationship on his disrespect and judgmentalism of women in general is repulsive he sounds like a quote unquote nice guy i read that and can't help but wonder what it's going to turn into he doesn't hit me often if she doesn't leave him that's what stood out to me a follow-up would be what does she consider mistreatment the numbers thing sounds like general immaturity and lack of life experience to me i remember when i was that young and still compared those things academically i understood women were just as horny as i was but it was difficult to understand that sometimes a hookup is just that or a short relationship happens and there isn't a comparison to the present situation just a low self-esteem thing assuming opie reads this if you feel like you're being mistreated that probably won't get better in time so that's definitely something to ask yourself literally the only time i cared about numbers was being insecure about being less experienced and maybe not as good in bed i never judged the other person's value on it that crap is screwed up he doesn't mistreat you often and wants to always know your location as an older woman my advice would be to end it with him immediately if not sooner nothing good will come of this middle-aged dude checking in here and the doesn't mistreat me often statement said everything this is something that shouldn't be tolerated he was right about holding yourself to a higher standard but just wrong about the standard you deserve better treatment and shouldn't settle for that you can't change your past but you can change to a different boyfriend's i don't even get the logic i'm so mad at things you did before you ever met me the boyfriend has a right to decide if her body count is too high just as she does with him but he doesn't get to be with her and shame her he has to either accept it and move on or leave her she can't change the past i think the logic comes down to if she likes to sleep around or has been with many partners she will eventually get bored of me and inevitably cheat on me depends on the context really but the boyfriend should be able to leave it behind if he trusts her which he clearly doesn't which is just a recipe for a bad relationship for some people meeting myself and a close friend it's not so much as seeing the girl as likely to be easily bored damaged goods or even me being insecure it's about the value placed on sex sex is an intimate and significant thing to me so if a girl views it callously enough to have had more than a dozen partners before getting out of college then she doesn't view it the same way i do we would likely have an incompatible outlook on sex but that doesn't mean i'd stay with her and shame her that's what insecure a-holes do i do understand this perspective but isn't it also true that people's values can change over time there are many factors that can lead someone to be more promiscuous when they're younger whether that be abuse mental health issues low impulse control social pressures etc it's also true that those factors can be treated or change over time and not be indicators of what the person actually values it just seems difficult to say that someone who was promiscuous in the past must not value sex just by a number counts more context is needed plus if someone was promiscuous in the past but isn't now doesn't that indicate by itself that their values have changed for whatever reason edit to add i want to clarify that my point isn't that the only reason someone would be promiscuous is because they're damaged in some way just that that can be the case depending on the person wait wait wait he can respect women but not thoughts he wasn't calling you a thoughts but women who are promiscuous deserve to be treated like thoughts he's saying that you deserve to be treated like a thought which as he said earlier means that you are not deserving of respect however he's not calling you a thought which is just so very gracious and generous of him ditch this dude he can change his mind at any moment about whether you actually deserve respect you can't change the people around you but you can change the people around you my boyfriend isn't okay with me being promiscuous in the past update thank you for all the advice i ended up bringing it up yesterday and it instantly turned into an argument again he asked me why i'm defending thought so much yet again asking me why i cared so much about what he thought about women who sleep around he then went on to say i should have known better than to sleep with so many guys and that i knew what i was doing he said i was straight up a thought in my past but he loves me and is willing to look past it yeah no i stood my ground and said i can't be with anyone who sees women like that and that i wasn't going to let him talk to me like that i broke things off and he called me stupid for thinking he would let me break up with him and that turned into a whole new argument about how i ain't loyal and i ain't no right or died chick i also blocked him on all my socials and he is still making accounts to contact me on definitely made the right decision to end things also to the people who messaged me saying that he was right and that i deserve to be dumped that nobody likes a used-up chick and many other unkind words it was so unnecessary and i hope you step on a lego okay first of all i hope those people step on many legos for the rest of their lives second please be careful that threat about not letting you break up with him psycho material right there get yourself some pepper spray and never let it leave your side continue to block him and change your accounts if you need to change the locks on where you live all of them immediately set up something with a friend or family member a security thing where you text them a specific time every day like 8 pm and 10 am every day like clockwork even if it's just a smiley emoji or something if you don't text on time they call and ask if you're okay and sleep with that pepper spray seriously yeah i'll look into doing that i've told my family about our breakup and to not let him in if he comes around but i'll definitely take some extra precautions for a while opie here is my advice for the future avoid men who say that xyz type of girl deserves to be treated like crap even if you don't fall into whatever category he says it means he believes there are circumstances that you would deserve to be mistreated and men like that often have more conditions to be treated with basic human decency than they admit good people do not believe they should have a pass to treat certain people badly rp he sounds a bit unstable please make sure that someone else knows that you broke up and what he's doing this is harassment and unfortunately as women we have to be ready for it to possibly escalate be safe out there and opie says yeah i let my brothers know about our breakup this morning so that he doesn't let him into my house if he comes around thank you though i'm staying safe you may need to tell friends too he might start trying to message friends to try and get through to you they might need to block him plus it's just nice to get more support if you can posted by user throw ra194802 titled i walked in on my son having sex with my brother's wife throw away on mobile i 44 female walked in on my son 18 male having sex with my sister-in-law 34 female brother's wife in a cabin and i think they have been having sex for a while my brother 37 male moved in with us in february with his wife and two children my husband 44 male and i have a big house on a farm my husband is a farmer and with everyone working from home we thought it would be a good chance to stay together as a family and for my nieces to spend time on the farm i have three children and all of them live with us the oldest is 18 male and the other two are 16 female and 13 female on the day my brother arrived i went to go buy groceries with my son and he went to the pharmacy to get his gym supplements and i bought the food i saw condoms in my son's plastic bag when we arrived to the house two packs with 36 condoms each so 72 in total i didn't think anything of it because i thought that he had gotten a girlfriend and wanted to be safe everything was fine everyone got along my sister-in-law and son would go on an early run around the farm and everything seemed normal until last month when they left on their run but i was up baking and i never saw them make any rounds around the farm which was weird i asked about it and they said they decided to hit the road i thought nothing of this because everything seemed normal my sister-in-law and son seemed to have a very good bond yesterday i was coming from a friend's house early in the morning and the sun wasn't up yet and it was a little dark but i saw that the cabin we have in the farm was open and the light was on i thought maybe one of the employees had forgotten to lock up so i went to close the door and switch off the lights as i got closer i heard people having sex and i took a peek in and it was my son and sister-in-law having sex i didn't confront them i was so in shock i still haven't told anyone what i saw and i don't know what to do should i confront them should i tell my brother should i tell my husband i'm so confused i have been doing a lot of thinking and i'm sure they've been having sex for a while from the condoms my son was always at the house never brought a girlfriend's the morning runs around the farm do they really go on a run or do they have sex the close relationship tree city kitty says i grew up on a farm and i'm just gonna give you the advice no one here has yet hide the guns lock them up in a safe if you have one and put the key in a new place no matter how you handle this it's gonna be bad they say i know this will be bad i'm even thinking of sending my son away before telling my brother honestly that's probably for the best don't disclose where he's going either yup tell husband first then brother when son and sister-in-law plus kids if possible is out of the house come up with a plan with your husband to get them not living in your house anymore get a therapist for your son and no matter how consensual this was he's still young and this was a trusted family member who went after him the months of lies alone will make him question his own integrity and could lead to issues lock up the weapons not saying anything about your brother at all but desperate people do desperate things you never know how anyone involved will react hope for the best plan for the worst betrayal makes people act in ways they would have never considered prior to experiencing this type of pain everything the brother has ever known is about to come crashing down around his head she needs to hide the guns before any conversation is had and the husband needs to know so he can manage the brothers rage trick or treat says talk to your husband and then tell your brother after that you need to sit your son down and have a serious talk with him about his relationship with his aunt how long it's been going on and how it started as in has it been going on for years and did she groom him or did he pursue her when they moved in and he needs a reality check on his behavior added to add the fact that your son bought so many condoms the day she moved in suggests that this wasn't something new he knew he'd need condoms because that was their history so how long has this thing between them been going on yeah if he bought them that day it's really possible that this has been going on for a while so your sister-in-law's probably groomed your son even if he thinks everything was consensual she has the power and is the person who should say no in this situation after the implosion make sure to support him and get him therapy this is not his fault updates i walked in on my son having sex with my brother's wife i first want to thank everyone for all the advice that i got from my original post i'm sorry for not replying to any comments i think i only replied to one comment my head was all over the place i'll try to keep this update short as was suggested by many of the comments i decided to tell my husband first and proceed from there my husband lost it he first thought it was a joke we talked about the issue and we decided we should first talk to our son before telling my brother we confronted our son with what i saw and he already knew what was going on as he saw my reddit post and put two and two together he didn't deny anything he confessed he told us him and sister-in-law had been having sex since february last year he was 17 at the time my son said it started on sister-in-law's birthday party he attended they got drunk and had sex in a bathroom and they've been meeting at hotels ever since and sneaking off at family gatherings after my son's confession my husband just lost it and told my son to leave the house and go to our condo in town as he didn't want to see him in front of him at this moment when my son was gone my husband stormed into my brother's room and told my brother everything sister-in-law was not in the house at the moment my brother lost it and packed his stuff took the kids and left he asked where my son had gone he said he wanted to teach him a lesson we didn't tell him and he eventually left sister-in-law didn't return because i think my brother might have called her or my son warned her and she's afraid to come back her things are still in the house in all the screaming and shouting my daughters heard everything and it devastated that their family might be ruined they miss their brother and are afraid my husband won't ever let them in the house again and by the way my husband hates all forms of infidelity to the core and has always drilled this in our two eldest children that they must never cheat on anyone or it'd be in a relationship with someone in a relationship i know i did nothing wrong in this but how will i ever look my brother in the eye again he won't answer any calls or texts my husband said i should give him time to heal my son has left the condo because he's afraid of what my brother will do to him and is now hiding at her friends and he won't tell us which friend no word on sister-in-law info sister-in-law was the one who initiated sex the first time my son and her slept together she was the one booking hotel rooms buying my son's dinners and lunches my son was even receiving an allowance from her alores says you did the right thing even though it wasn't easy there was no way to do this without causing pain to everyone now the first thing that you should do is talk to your husband and try to reason with him i get that he hates infidelity but your son was 17 and drunk when this started while your sister-in-law was a 33 year old woman in other words your son wasn't even a legal adult when this started it sounds like there was a lot of predatory behavior on her part and your husband needs to realize that this might be the perfect time to pull out that gender reversal card eg ask him how he'd feel if his brother-in-law were having sex with his 17 year old daughter you really need your husband on your side to protect your son the next thing that you need to do is deal with your brother do you think that he's a credible threat to your son if so you need to defend your child letting him stay out of the way while your brother simmers down is probably the best plan but i'd also find out if your brother is actively looking for him if your brother is still trying to find him to teach him a lesson then you need to get the authorities involved op replies i really do think this woman is a predator she was booking hotel rooms for a 17 year old boy giving him an allowance and having fancy dinners with him with my brother i don't know if he'll actually hurt my son or my sister-in-law for that matter normally i would say he's a nice calm person but under these circumstances i don't know what he might be capable of i want my son back home now but my husband doesn't he wants him at the condo my husband even offered to hire a bodyguard or something for him if he's afraid but my son is still with the friend we don't know so she got him drunk the first time then started grooming him i can understand your husband's initial reaction but you have to make him understand he's essentially victim blaming your son your son was a victim of sexual abuse period he's a victim at 17 even 18 the responsibility falls to the adult not the teenager regardless of what your husband has drilled into your kids your son was being groomed now from your son's point of view your husband doesn't want him being with the family which quite easily could be taken as rejection and his uncle is on the warpath wanting to teach him a lesson who do you think is left for him to turn to your sister-in-law i understand the anger but your husband and uncle are practically forcing him to turn to your sister-in-law as for your brother-in-law there are a lot of people sitting in prison for aggravated assault manslaughter or second-degree murder who were good and calm individuals they probably are most of the time but in the heat of the moment anyone can lose their cool it's referred to as a crime of passion for a reason people aren't acting with common sense they're acting on emotions you need to be the calming force amidst the chaos otherwise this could all end far worse than anyone might expect you have fear and anger combined in an escalated situation you can't predict how things go when those two dynamics clash talk to your husbands and your brother-in-law and make them realize their misplaced anger could end up being disastrous for the family the sister-in-law is who the anger should be focused on i want to say this as nicely as possible but there isn't really a good way stop being such a coward bring both your husband and your brother into line before crap gets worse your son was preyed upon by a predator the end his actions probably merit dealing with but this crap is not the way and now is absolutely not the time your husband is so far out of his lane and needs to take a damn seat because right now he's leaving her as the only adult willing to have him around it should be trivially obvious why this is bad if he can't deal with his kid right now he's the one with the problem and should go stay elsewhere until he manages to unscrew himself throw him the hell out if you need to your brother's already made threats what are you going to do if he hurts your kid this is time to strongly consider getting the cops involved now make it explicitly clear to him what's going to happen if he touches either of them especially your kid and that any lessons taught means he'll get to celebrate his kids birthdays with a phone call or a short supervised visitation at best by user throw our a boyfriend's cell phone titled my 24 female boyfriend 28 male of 10 years has become incredibly secretive of his phone laptop social media and car me and my boyfriend haven't really had any secrets until very recently since we began trusting each other we had the passwords to each other's phones and social media accounts and were very transparent about things that most people keep secrets about two months ago he started not wanting me to go to his car without notice beforehand i brushed this off to him not wanting me to see his dirty car a few weeks later i tried to borrow his laptop which he is normally okay with and he was livid he told me i was invading his privacy which i felt terrible about and apologized a little while later he was driving us to the store and he got a text i picked up his phone so i could read it out to him and he snapped on me the second i grabbed his phone i again felt really bad and apologized this week i was thinking about his stuff and my irrational side got the best of me and i considered that he could be cheating on me so i logged on to his instagram on my phone i looked through it and saw nothing really out of the ordinary except that he was following a lot of porn stars and fitness models but i couldn't give a frick if he gets off to their instagrams i instantly felt awful about this so i told him what i did and he told me he was going to change all of his passwords i asked him why he isn't okay with sharing his secret stuff with me anymore and he told me he just didn't want to anymore he very obviously was getting upset by the question so i decided not to probe into it any further is this normal behavior for a long-term relationship edits yes when we became official he had just turned 18 and i was 14. okay an 18 year old male 1 dating a 14 year old female very normal behavior so full disclosure here i was a cheating a-hole at one point in my life and did the same exact thing if i went to the bathroom or shower phone came with me if i went to the kitchen to get something to drink phone came with me girl tried to grab it from my hand one day because i was being so secretive about it and i practically smashed the phone pulling it back away from her she finally got me when i fell asleep one day and i'm glad she did was a weight off my shoulders and now i get to live in fear of the karma gods for the rest of my life my guess is he's absolutely cheating sorry and opie replies thank you for your honesty and for the help this week i was thinking about this stuff and my rational side got the best of me no your rational side kicked in guaranteed that he's hiding something or someone whether it's someone he's actually seeing in person i don't know although the car thing would say that he is has he shown any other signs of cheating like sudden interest in his appearance spending more money than usual with nothing to show for it more absences op replies wait together most of the time he started going back to work three days a week a while ago but he's usually with me he's taken to working out much more often but he started that the second we all knew we'd be in quarantine it sounds like some sketchy stuff check out his mental health if he's suicidal also check in on yours and his finances make sure he didn't sign off on anything on behalf of you update my boyfriend of 10 years has become incredibly secretive of his phone laptop social media and car so i found out he was cheating on me with an underage girl yesterday morning i confronted him and asked flat out if he cheated on me he admitted that he had received a [ __ ] from another woman he said he blocked her on everything but she kept creating instagram accounts to contact him i asked why he hid this and he said that he was ashamed and looking for the right time to say something something in my gut told me that he was still lying so i snuck into his room and stole his phone while he showered he forgot to take my thumbprint out of his phone i looked at his most recent texts and a few hours before he had texted an unnamed number i told girlfriend i was cheating on her we might not be able to see each other for a while if you need me message me on insta i have never been so hurt by anything in my life i felt my heart drop as i read the text i looked at past texts and saw pictures of his peepee and her body and him saying she looked better than me i moved on to instagram and like a lot of people said he had a second one he used to dm women i found a conversation with a girl he had been talking to that started in august 2019 and suggested that he had been fudging her since october 2019 for at least one year of our relationship he was unfaithful i checked the girl's profile to see if she was better looking than me and saw in her buyer the name of a high school near us and class of 2023 my stomach turned and i had to stop myself from throwing up he was fudging a 15 year old girl at that point i had seen enough and decided to leave the apartments i screenshotted everything and sent it to myself i went to my friend's place where i showed her everything i felt so disgusted and guilty a bunch of the people that commented on my first post spoke about how he groomed me and i just now i'm realizing how right they were if i hadn't let our relationship continue and told the other young girls what he did it might have stopped him from doing it to other girls i refuse to look back at his instagram because i don't want to know how many young girls i helped him either abuse in some way i feel so gross for defending him i also feel disgusted by the fact that it's very likely i performed oral pleasure on him hours after not gonna read that one that evening we begin the process of reporting him and hopefully he will be thrown in jail very soon i'm going to try to do what i can to right the wrongs i did with this and i'm planning to get an sti test and some therapy to get past this and raise my self-esteem again thank you for those of you that tried to help me wine and dogs 2020 says you are not responsible for his actions his predatory behavior is not your fault you are also his victim and to taking steps to try and prevent other girls from ending up under his control you're being a god damn hero posted by user throw ra 54098 titled my 20 female boyfriend 20 male said that i was embarrassing him while i was giving birth to our baby we have been in a relationship for one year and we had a baby boy last week i had a natural birth and my boyfriend was there throughout the whole process i screamed a lot and each time i did he whispered something like can you stop screaming you're really embarrassing me i also threw up a few times and i saw him cover his face in shame when i held the midwife's hand for comfort he whispered let go of her stop being so embarrassing he also said that my birthing position was embarrassing and called me a few vulgar names i'm really upset about his behavior that day especially when it was when i needed his support the most when i try to talk to him about it he denies ever saying it and that i'm being silly edits i know that there are a lot of comments but i'm reading them all and i just want to say thank you everybody for the advice and support so far i spoke to my mum about this but she is the very traditional type and although she said his behavior is wrong i should try couples counselling first i really don't think he's going to listen to me when i suggest getting help but i'll try i'm also going to talk to my public health nurse edit two thank you so much to everybody who commented and dm'd me with words of support and those who have also been in similar situations i have since tried to discuss the options of couples counseling to him but to no avail which didn't surprise me my mum has agreed to let me stay there until i can find a new place for myself and baby i haven't said anything to him yet i have been advised not to so i'm still planning out how i'm going to take the next step i 24 female literally crapped myself a lot while having a contraction then my water broke a minute after my husband 25 male helped the nurse clean me up then he helped hold me up as i delivered our son not to mention him holding everything together at home the whole time and constantly being present and ready to help at any moment that is all said to assure you that your boyfriend's behavior is not normal and is not acceptable you are not being silly this is a huge red flag and a big indicator of what his future behavior will be like in stressful situations please don't feel like you have to stay with him just because you have a baby together you deserve better than this two-thirds of women crap themselves when giving birth so can you only imagine if op did childbirth isn't pretty it's beautiful bringing life into the world but everything else is no a lot of fluids and stuff can you stop crapping while you give birth to my child you're embarrassing me in front of these doctors i'll never see again right seriously i feel for op she should have never had to deal with that there's no room for embarrassment in time because it's just what it is it's gross it smells you're exposed and the last thing op needed was someone pointing that out and shaming her i'm surprised your midwife didn't tell him to leave the room while he was acting like that i'd hate to see how he copes with a crying baby keep your eye on him seriously she said he was whispering the midwife probably had no idea what he was whispering to her and most likely assumed it was supportive that's honestly so damn sad opie deserved something supportive in that moment opie deserves something supportive all the time the gaslighting and emotional abuse which this definitely was won't stop out of the blue opie has a long road ahead of her seriously my good friend's niece had a man child of a buyer dad who ended up shaking her so hard when she was four to five months old that she needed multiple surgeries on her brain and eyes she was blind for months and while her vision has since come a long way it still isn't perfect she has cerebral palsy which she wasn't born with she's five now and hardly speaks and cannot walk her father is in prison now and the family disowned him as soon as they found out what he had done op needs to be careful and plan an exit strategy this is so sad and i have a bad gut feeling about it i'm so sorry my child's father who was no longer around and i'm separated from also acted as though i was embarrassing him i screamed and screamed my contractions hurt so horribly like i was being stabbed over and over and he just looked at me so rudely and literally left the room a few times all i can remember of this day is mostly him making me feel like i was doing something wrong i deserved better you deserve better please get out now and opie replies thanks for sharing this can i ask if he mistreated you in other ways too and how did you go about leaving him he actually started out normal over the progression of the pregnancy he began to be intimidated by me and jealous i'm very kind and nothing to be jealous of he was insecure and started to be degrading he used to call me out of shape and a [ __ ] often he told me i was wasting someone's scholarship money going to college because i was too dumb to graduate this was in 2018 i graduated with a bachelor's degree in the winter of 2019 he would strangle me when i would call him out on his abuse he secretly unlocked my window so he could get back into my house when i tried to kick him out there is so much more he went to prison for the first year of her life for unrelated crimes and that's basically how i escaped i honestly feel like i would have killed him or he would have killed me if i didn't get away edits in response to the people saying i'm horrifying for saying i would have killed him he also held me at gunpoint smothered me with a mattress threw keys at my c-section incision two days after surgery and tried to run me over with my own car when i ran away with him after he hid my keys and phone if i killed him it would have been self-defense update my boyfriend said that i was embarrassing him while i was giving birth to our baby thank you so much for everyone's advice and support both through dms and on the original post i want to update as many people were very concerned and i promised it to a few people reading people's responses reassured me about how serious the situation was and how i'd be stupid if i stayed in the relationship and allowed it to get worse i spoke to my mum who recommended couples counselling and if that didn't work then i would be allowed to live with my parents i then approached him when he came home and gave him an ultimatum i told him that he can either continue to ignore that he acted horribly during the birth and other numerous times or he can admit to how he has treated me and apologize and get counselling but obviously he continued to gaslight me and got extremely angry to the point where he was screaming at both me and the baby he ended up storming out to his best friends i was also advised against couples counselling by many of you as you said it often encourages an abuser's behavior which made a lot of sense and i wish i read that before speaking to him my mum came round after he left and said he's an a-hole and even though she doesn't agree with single parenting she thought anything would be better than staying with him and enabling his behavior he has tried to visit me in the baby since as he guessed i was at my mum's both my mom and i have told him it's over and that we're leaving the rest down to the courts i will be telling my solicitor everything so who knows what the custody arrangements will be i'm just glad that myself and my baby are out of there and i can finally enjoy being a mother yesterday i went shopping and bought what i wanted instead of what he wanted and i never felt so free since before i met him to many people that will sound ridiculous but quite frankly he controlled every single aspect of my life however i am planning on going to therapy as i feel like the bad experience i had at my birth as well as his abuse in other areas has left a profound effect on me i also called a few domestic abuse hotlines and they gave me some brilliant advice thank you to whoever it was that sent me those what was weird was the best friend he went over to see actually contacted me yesterday to see how happy he is to hear that i'm leaving him he said he noticed how unhappy he made me and how disrespectful he is around women as a whole and that the abuse didn't exist just towards me but to his colleagues also so it's good to know that i have a few people on my side no doubt things will be constantly changing from now until the foreseeable future and i am terrified but the main thing is that i'm away from him and me and my son are safe and that i'm feeling empowered enough to know that the way he treated me was 100 wrong and that he will pay the right price as long as i fight for it thanks again i won't forget all of you that helped me in the time when i needed it the most bubonic plagiarism says i had my first child when i was 17. my boyfriend was an asshat too he was abusive controlling and much like your ex ruined my early days as a new mom and undermined my confidence as a mother and a person so i left him moved back home to raise my daughter alone i was terrified lonely and had postnatal depression i got my mental health back on track rocked motherhood thoroughly enjoyed every second of being a mum raising my incredible girl she's 26 now the freedom to go where i wanted speak to anyone i wanted to buy things i wanted for myself and my daughter was so freeing it's ridiculous how such tiny things make you realize how controlled you really were by the time my girl was one years old i had a great job that allowed me to have my daughter with me full-time i had my own place and eventually i met a great guy who treated my daughter as his own my life was suddenly great i'm 43 now i have three amazing kids and a wonderful husband and i wouldn't change a thing rp replies thank you for sharing i feel the same it's insane once you leave and realize how much you lost whilst you were in the relationship so happy that your life is better now i'm hoping my story ends up as inspirational as yours posted by user throw ra cheated 11 titled my 28 female boyfriend 28 male of 8 years cheated on me with his best friend's fiance and is now begging me for a second chance i still love him but i don't know what to do throw away because our friends follow my main accounts and i don't want them to know about this backgrounds i met my boyfriend in college when we had a class together he was struggling because of his party lifestyles but me being a studious introvert was thriving he begged me to help him and i relented eventually i hated his guts but for some reason he made me fall in love with him he was such an open book too and waited patiently for me and i didn't let him kiss me until four months into dating and i didn't sleep with him until our one year anniversary he was my first and i really wanted to be sure i was giving my virginity to someone who truly loved me i didn't ask him to but he slowly gave up partying and drinking for me and we both found a new friend group in college who we've maintained to this day he gave up everything willingly because he said he'd rather spend time at home with me the one thing from his past that he didn't give up though was his childhood best friend who will call max max always hated me i think he blames me that he sees my boyfriend only a few times a month and that he isn't fun anymore he also openly questions our relationship in front of both of us and says stuff like you'll come to your senses eventually when talking to my boyfriend i told him i wasn't comfortable so since then he never let max around me but they still hung out and i didn't really mind cause i trusted him okay so this is what happened recently max got engaged to his long-term on-again off-again girlfriend and invited both of us over to celebrate it would have been just the four of us restrictions have been lifted in our area as long as contact and amount of people involved were kept to a minimum i declined which in retrospect was a big mistake boyfriend offered to stay with me but i told him he didn't need to and i understand if he wanted to support max even though i despised the guy again this was a mistake in retrospect the next morning boyfriend came home crying we are living together he was still clearly hungover so i bathed him and put him to bed when he woke up a few hours later he told me everything apparently he got really really drunk at the party max's fiance who i guess i'll call home wrecker or hm was very flirty with him the whole night and helped him when he passed out next thing boyfriend says he remembers was when he woke up hm was giving him a bj while he was naked he said he was too drunk and just went along with it while max watched according to boyfriend they're into the whole hot wife thing whatever that means next thing boyfriend says he remembers was waking up naked next to hm with a bunch of used condoms around them he rushed home after that my heart is breaking right now guys i really don't know what to do he's been begging me for a second chance even showing me that he blocked max and hm on everything he also promised never to contact them again he also swears to not drink when i'm not around anymore and that he'd keep his phone unlocked and that i can look through it whenever i wanted no questions asked he kept telling me how much he regrets it and how much he loves me and that i'm the only one sad thing is i believe him this man was my first everything and i feel like my world is just crumbling around me a few weeks ago we were thinking about getting married and how many kids we wanted now i can't even look at him without my heart breaking in two this all happened a few days ago and i've barely left the room he's giving me space but he's also doing the little things that make me fall for him again he keeps the house clean he's been cooking me the food i like and leaving short love notes beside it on the dinner table i'm lost right now i so desperately want to forgive him but every time i look at him i can't shake off the image of him being with another woman i know i was never his first but he kept promising me that i was going to be his last and he broke it despite everything though deep down i still love him guys i don't know where to go from here i'm crying just typing this out but i don't have anyone to talk to about this usually when problems this big come up in my life he's the one that i turn to for help i love him but i don't know if i can trust him anymore what should i do will couples counseling help should i just cut my losses and ended he seems very very remorseful and he did confess to the whole thing immediately after should i give him a chance sorry for the long rants i'm just lost right now max doesn't like you they got your boyfriend stuck to the point of passing out and took advantage of him i'm sorry this sounds harsh to you but he doesn't need your forgiveness for something he didn't consent to you need to be supporting him and looking at this from the right angle i'm sorry this happened to the both of you but you guys should talk about pressing charges this was intentional on their parts his friend set him up to make it look like he cheated on you probably knowing what his reaction would be and hoping the fallout would be you leaving him i think you should revisit the subject with him find out how much he drank was it more than he can normally handle could he have been drugged you already know he absolutely did not want to do it so how did the situation play out that got him there stop looking at it as if he cheated on you and realized that he was assaulted and needs your help updates my boyfriend of eight years cheated on me with his friend's fiancee and is now begging me for a second chance i still love him but i don't know what to do first of all i'd like to say thank you for all of those who gave me really solid advice in my last post a lot has happened in the last few days sorry i haven't been replying to any of you i just didn't think i was in the right headspace to actually hold a meaningful conversation rest assured i did read all of your replies even the really mean ones so where do i begin well i think some of you would be delighted to know that he left me for not being supportive sucks to be me i guess i guess you guys were right i am a sucky girlfriend he's now off to be with his brand new supportive girlfriends nah just kidding but some of you would have wanted that to happen right so here's what really happens after reading some of your comments i started to see things from a different perspective i never really thought of it as anything other than cheating and it didn't help that when he came home to me that morning he claimed to have cheated on me and i guess my mind just started going to a dark place where logic goes out the window it's definitely not an excuse but i really wasn't in the right mindset after he said he cheated i guess it was after the realization that this man would never willingly hurt me is when all the anger and pain of being cheated on was washed away i couldn't really bring myself to talk to him at first he was on the couch blankly staring at whatever was on tv he looked empty i sat beside him and told him i had no intentions of breaking up well he came to life almost instantly and before i knew it his arms were wrapped around me he was shaking and i could tell he was crying i was too remember when i said i felt my world was crumbling around me well for the first time in what seemed like forever i could feel it start to fall back into place i didn't realize how much a simple embrace can be so calming everything was starting to feel right again then we talked he apologized again for cheating and when i told him i didn't think he cheated he had a puzzled look on his face i asked him if he gave consent and he said no i tried to explain i guess he still doesn't realize that he was actually taken advantage of he said the first thing that came to mind after what happened was that he cheated and was so afraid of losing me this man after being taken advantage of first thought of how much he betrayed me instead of how he was betrayed himself i was flawed he said his first response had to be to win me back which is why he's been going the extra mile the last few days taking care of me from a distance when it was my turn to speak i told him how sorry i was for not being supportive i jumped to conclusions without actually thinking about it clearly which was pretty out of character for me a few more exchanges after that and the conversation shifted to max and hm i told him that i never wanted him anywhere near max or her again and he agreed i've always thought that he was a bad influence but i never thought he'd take it this far so i never stopped him from seeing his ex-best friend he showed me his phone which didn't have a lock anymore he said he blocked both of them on everything but he wanted to keep the open phone policy he said it's so i can be sure he isn't back in touch with max i urged him to file a police reports but he was against it he said that even if he was taken advantage of he couldn't bring himself to do it i didn't really know about it at first but his family and max's family had a very long history of friendship their mothers were college best friends and their dads worked together not only were the two of them close even their families were close i thought they were just neighbors but it was more than that i didn't know because every time i visit his family the topic was never brought up and i haven't really met any of max's family except for his little sister who came by to play with my boyfriend's little brother he said he didn't want to ruin decades of friendship and would be content with just going no contact with max he's getting tested later today and i hope that [ __ ] didn't give my man anything i'm also pretty confident my boyfriend didn't get hm pregnant because max absolutely hates children so i imagine hm would be on birth control given how many dudes she sleeps with boyfriend and i came to the conclusion that max most likely set the whole thing up to break us apart so he can have his best friend back they used to be partners in crime after all when it came to parties and picking up women i would like to point out that i did not force him to change he chose to do so but i know he did it for me which just makes me fall in love with him even more when we first met he was still the playboy party animal he was but he told me after hanging out with me for a few weeks that he didn't really feel like sleeping around anymore i didn't really believe him at first obviously i've also noticed that a few people were bashing me for making him wait one year for sex i'm sorry i just have different views i believe that sex is for people who love each other so i wasn't willing to sleep with anyone i wasn't deeply in love with and didn't love me back i don't judge people who sleep around my boyfriend has a high body count but i don't really hold it against him but back then i just wanted to be sure i wasn't just a girl he bangs or a conquest but someone who he actually loves and sees a future with considering his past i was very skeptical for a while and i had my walls up the entire time but he slowly tore them apart and i'm glad he did that reluctant yes when he first asked me out was and still is one of the best decisions i've ever made max's plan had the opposite effect it's rough now but i can see this experience making our relationship even stronger i love him more than ever believe it or not and i'm sure he feels the same way the last few days have taught us both how crappy our lives would be without each other i guess it made us value each other more not that either of us took the other for granted and yes we are both getting therapy both individually and as a couple to be honest i'm still shaken over the whole thing even when we cuddle i can still imagine hm having a way with him and i can't help but cry about it if i'm still shaken up by the whole thing i can only imagine how much worse it is for him but i'll be there for him every step of the way i know he didn't cheat i know he won't break my heart i know that he loves me i know that i love him it's hard right now but knowing those facts makes me more confident that we can see this through one redditor pointed out that we were soulmates and i like to think that we are i can't see myself being with anyone but him thanks again for all your advice and for making me see things differently i'll try to reply and answer questions when necessary and when i can posted by user throw r a toddler dog titled my 28 female dog growled at my niece three female after she spent an entire evening harassing him now my brother 31 male wants me to put the dog down hi everyone i have fostered a multitude of dogs in my life and dealt with a lot of behavioral problems dog aggression cat aggression food aggression separation anxiety super high prey drives i've seen it all and i've certainly encountered my fair share of dogs who clearly weren't safe around small children so i feel extremely confident in saying my current five-year-old lab mix is safe for kids he is basically a gigantic teddy bear and loves everyone however it's always been my personal philosophy that dogs and any other animal really should never be left alone with young kids even if it's the sweetest most mild-mannered dog in the world the kids don't understand when they're pushing the dog past its limits and the dog cannot reasonably be expected to put up with being harassed long after it signaled that it would like to be left alone my niece has never been good with my dog she pulls his tail climbs on him lays on him hits him pulls his ears gets in his face and yells at him and never gives him a second to himself unless she is forced to he's basically a saint with her but every dog has its limits i try to stay on top of this behavior as much as i can forcing her to leave him alone when it starts to seem like too much and locking him away in a bedroom if she won't my brother and sister-in-law 30 female really just don't get it though i've tried to talk to them about this behavior a bunch of times and they know it's wrong but they think it's wrong in the same way that her refusing to share or not picking up her toys is wrong they don't understand that it's dangerous and that if she was left alone long enough my dog might lose it and attack her this has been going on for over a year i've tried to have this conversation with my brother over and over but he always acts like i'm criticizing his parenting which is not the case i don't think my niece is especially bratty or out of control for a kid that age it's just that this behavior is dangerous to both her and my dog and it needs constant intervention the same way that a small kid playing with a stove isn't especially bratty it's just especially dangerous and needs to be curbed asap i even tried having a dog trainer friend explain this to him and he still didn't get it i've tried to come up with excuses for why we can never meet at my house for our family hangouts but i couldn't think of one the other day and my brother and niece came over i was cooking dinner and not paying enough attention to make sure my dog was okay which was absolutely my fault and i accepted responsibility i asked my brother a few times to keep her away from my dog but he kept saying that she was fine i did move my niece away from him a few times but i wasn't vigilant enough and my dog ended up getting to the end of his rope and growling at my niece i immediately grabbed my dog and brought him into my bedroom i did not punish him at all frankly i'm glad that he signaled loud and clear that he was uncomfortable i would never want to discourage him from doing that because then next time he'd skip the growling and go straight to attacking i came out of the room ready to talk to my brother about how this is what i've been talking about but he was furious yelled that my dog is a menace who should be put down and left i completely understood his reaction that is his daughter and he was afraid for her and nothing else mattered to him but he hasn't calmed down at all since this happened and won't talk to me except to say my dog needs to be put down and he won't be speaking to me until it's done he's also tried to involve our parents who said they will absolutely not be getting involved they know my niece's behavior with my dog has been a problem in the past i've not heard from my sister-in-law at all which makes me think she might agree with me knowing her personality type i don't really think she'd sit out a fight like this if she thought my dog was dangerous the way i see it this is solely my fault and my brother's fault i shouldn't have allowed my niece to harass my dog i knew what could happen and i was more concerned about how upset my brother got when i tried to bring it up than i was about my niece's safety i should have just said my niece wasn't allowed around my dog until she got a bit older and dealt with whatever fallout there was within my family similarly my brother should have kept a better eye on his kid and not been so defensive when i tried to explain the problem my dog on the other hand put up with being harassed for over a year and when he was finally pushed to his limits signaled very loud and harmlessly that he needed to be removed from the situation he is not dangerous and i will not put him down my brother is now saying that the entire family has sided with a dog over his child which is not the case it is just that there are lots of other solutions to this problem i am perfectly happy to create my dog when they come over or leave him in another room or just never have them over again and hang out somewhere else there is no reason for my niece to ever see my dog again and i'd be happy to talk over a solution with him it's just that he won't talk to me at all and i don't know what to do should i give him more time to cool off should i go over to his house and try to talk i don't want to ruin this relationship we are very close but i'm just not putting my dog down over this radiant university says your brother is being an ass and i'm sorry i'd let him pout it out you going to him to talk it over is only going to give him what he wants which is attention it's not his daughter's fault or the dog's fault it's his and his wife's fault for not teaching their daughter how to play with your dog and when to leave your dog alone if they want to be this ridiculous and ruin your relationship with them over it that's on them agreed if this is opie's brother's idea of parenting then this isn't going to be the last situation where the niece is responsible for a bad occurrence but of course it's never her fault she's a little angel shake my head i see a lot of parent-teacher conferences in that little girl's future i am shocked pulling ears and hitting the dog and your brother does nothing and wants you to put down the dog is he completely mental or just the same age as his daughter no really he's being childish let him cool off his behavior suggests he has mediocre parenting skills and he is aware of that but not able to admit it that may be an over-interpretation i would let him cool off but also probably give him a bit of his own medicine just inform him very calmly don't be mean that until he improves his supervisory skills and learns how to teach his daughter to be kind to animals she is not allowed anywhere near the dog he has to demonstrate that he is able to do it and maybe if she annoys someone else's dog he'll learn don't even discuss putting it down that's totally unreasonable and a really cruel and stupid way of repairing his hurt ego stand up for your dog he did nothing wrong he's a living being not a children's toy honestly after all that behavior i'm shocked op didn't just put his foot down and say no your child cannot be around my dog while you're enabling this behavior eggjacket says people don't want to come out and say it but your brother is a crappy dad your stove analysis is spot on when you see your kid doing something dangerous you stop them immediately this isn't a parenting decision that we can agree to disagree on like breastfeeding past a certain age or kissing your kid on the mouth he's allowing his kid to harass an animal after being told multiple times how dangerous it is you even got a dog trainer to try to explain it to him and he still blew it off what the hell is wrong with him and now that he's being given the most gentle wake-up call in the world he's lucky his daughter didn't get bit he wants the dog put down your niece is going to get attacked by a different dog in fact if you put this dog down and got a different one it would just attack her instead because your dog acted completely rationally and the next dog will do it too opie said that the brother acts like opie is criticizing his parenting and derpy doesn't want to seem that way but like so what i'm a teacher and parents are always on about are you criticizing my parenting like yes your kid is a menace and you should do something about it your ego isn't worth more than the damage this behavior does and getting butthurt and getting called out for the effects of your crappy parenting does nothing grow up and move forward opie's brother is a crappy dad doing his childhood disservice by not teaching her how to deal with animals maybe one day some animals might not be so nice they aren't stuffed animals opie replies he says i'm not in a position to criticize his parenting because i don't have kids of my own like yeah maybe not but i have dogs and he doesn't so i feel like i should get some kind of credit here bullcrap reply your brother's not yours i don't need to be a pilot to know someone screwed up when i see a plane hit a tree this is a good response i'm stealing this for when we inevitably have another argument about this and he says i can't judge his parenting update my dog growled at my niece after she spent an entire evening harassing him now my brother wants me to put down the dog hey everyone thank you so much for the advice on my previous post it blew up while i was asleep and i couldn't respond to everyone's comments but i did really appreciate all the people who took the time to give me advice on how to handle my brother this update is kind of a mixed bag so my family has been having dinner together one night a week since the pandemic started usually at my parents house this week i thought my brother and his family would sit it out and it would be just me and my parents but my sister-in-law showed up without my brother or niece she said she absolutely did not want to discuss what happened so we didn't but i can't imagine how ticked she must be at my brother to openly go against him so she could attend a dinner with her in-laws so that's good since dinner went well and we all had a good time i decided to send my brother a text this morning to try to make amends the text i sent says hey bud we missed you and neesa dinner last night i was hoping you'd come by so we could talk about what happened with niece and dog i understand why you're upset and i'm really sorry that niece was scared you know how much i love niece and i'd never want anything bad to happen to her i absolutely won't put dog down though he's not dangerous it's just that he can't talk so he growled to communicate that he wanted niece to leave him alone he is a family member to me i can't put him down especially when he didn't do anything wrong but there's lots of other solutions we can work out to keep me safe i'm totally fine if no one in your family ever wants to see dog again or if you want we can talk with dog trainer friend to try to figure something out that keeps everyone safe you know i think you're a great dad and doing an awesome job with niece but i really think she would benefit from understanding how to treat animals the next dog she meets might not be as relaxed as mine and she could really get hurt we can work on reaching her together do you want to meet for dinner next week i can come to you and we can get takeout from restaurants i miss you the text i got back says once again you and everyone else choose a dog over my human child it doesn't matter what niece did she is a human and deserves to be safe you're really saying well she started it about your dog almost attacking my child you can't keep a dog that would attack a kid for being a kid and i can't believe you're talking about the next time niece meets a dog what about the next time your dog meets a kid the next parent won't be so understanding opie they'll call animal control and demand he be put down on the spots no we can't meet for dinner like nothing happens and my response sorry you feel that way please let me know when you're ready to talk about it i'll be here i know a lot of you think my brother is a dick and just hearing about this one incident i would too but i really think every single one of us would come off as a dick if someone wrote a reddit post asking for advice about the biggest a-hole thing we've ever done everyone has their good and bad qualities everyone is sometimes a chore to be around and i love my brother i don't want to fight with him and i'm disappointed he is determined to drag this out i know a lot of you wanted me to just ignore him until he stopped acting like a jerk or just cut him out altogether but that's just not realistic for me and our relationship and it's not something that i want i do think my sister-in-law is eventually just going to make him talk to me so hopefully this won't drag on for too much longer but i'm just really sad about the whole thing i've done all i can do though my sister-in-law and i have plans to go hiking this weekend went back and read the original post it sounds like you're being very logical about the situation and aware of where you could have done better so good on you for understanding animals or animals and needed to be treated as such your brother on the other hand seems to think animals can somehow rationalize their thoughts and actions before doing them he is treating your dog like a higher thinking animal which he is not and he is using emotions versus logic during this personally i'd let him pout about it for a bit and work with your sister-in-law on a plan to get him to stop being pouty and understand his daughter needs to learn how to behave around animals what is she going to do if she's ever around a horse for the first time they can literally kill you with one kick it's about respecting the animal and listening slash watching for cues that they aren't happy when my cats exhibit signs they are being ticked at what i'm doing i stop they probably couldn't hurt me too bad but again it's respect that's what your niece needs to learn to have respect for animals and the way they communicate why the tf are you still having get-togethers during the pandemic this comment is kind of self-righteous i'm not out partying i'm having an occasional dinner with five family members a gathering so small that the cdc never even disallowed it you guys aren't ever seeing your family or friends you've just been sitting in your house for four months i live alone so if i didn't occasionally make concessions to go see family or go to the park with a friend i'd have basically been in solitary confinement for four months yes people have been sitting in their houses for four months because that is the responsible thing to do well i do what the cdc says and six people having dinner together was never disallowed that dog has every right to let the kid know he's not enjoying being harassed shame on your brother for not teaching her to leave the dog alone and for trying to blame everything on the dog even the nicest dogs have a breaking point if i were you i wouldn't let your brother or niece surround your dog anymore if you want your dog to stay alive posted by user throw ra11123 titled my fiancee 26 female and i 27 male decided to break up but she couldn't move out due to the lockdown after about four months isolating with her i've realized i don't want to break up anymore i'm not from the us and i'm also not a native english speaker so i apologize in advance if there would be confusing sentences in this post my fiance and i have been dating since college and as soon as we graduated i proposed to her however we decided to get married only once we're both financially stable and okay with our jobs two years down the road we've also been living together for that long we now meet those requirements however our love for each other disappeared or at least the spark we used to have we became very busy her with her graduate education plus job and me with my work i admit i've been spending way too much time in the office and once i get home i use my free time to get ahead with deadlines and stuff she's also constantly stressed as she's juggling her education and her teaching job we never had time for each other anymore but we were still busy enough to even notice that then march came she approached me with this subject and we had a long talk it was an emotional one we've known each other for so long after all and we're reaching our end after so many years she was already in the process of booking flights to stay with their parents for a while when the lockdown was announced she decided to not go home anymore in fear of possibly carrying the virus and infecting her family i agreed with that decision and since then we've been isolating together we're both working from home now and she also finished her studies in april because of that we've been having a lot of free time at first it felt a bit awkward i didn't even know how to talk to her anymore i got used to short and empty small talk with her but she's always known how to get me out of my shell so it didn't take too long before we were having full conversations once again i just found out that she has a newfound love for playing sims 4. she showed me the family she was playing with currently and i noticed that it was herself and me plus a dog and a cat whose names were our birth months lol she had been so shy initially but she doesn't know that i was also feeling flustered then i think that this is the start of me questioning our decision to break up after that it was the small things i also caught her up on how my life has been like my shitty supervisor how i haven't been taking care of my health lately etc and since then she started pushing me to work out with her and she's also been trying to get me into healthier options of food i also came to find out new things about her in these months which is surprising considering how we've been together for many years now these past few months have been really good i feel like i was brought back to the times when we first met and i feel like a high schooler with a crush the thing is i'm not sure if i can trust my feelings right now the only person i've had contact with was her except for my frequent calls with friends and family and i may be just having an infatuation right now i also think we're lucky since we're both very free right now but i keep thinking what happens after the lockdown ends will we go back to being those busy people that have too little time for each other i also don't know how to approach her with this she's always been the talker in our relationship you know but at the same time i'm also afraid to talk about it and potentially ruin things for us right now what if she doesn't feel the same what if she's just treating me kindly because that's what she is a genuinely kind person the only hope i'm holding on to right now is the fact that she hasn't planned on going back to her family yet despite domestic travels being allowed in our country now how do i go on about this same way she went about bringing up breaking up you approach the subject in the exact same way it'll take guts if it's easier don't go into it talking about wanting to stay together but about how you feel just talk about how you've felt the last few months how it's improved since lockdown started also the sims thing was a massive hint dude as well that she's at least considered the same thoughts as you when my fiance and i were in a rough place i bought sims he eventually started playing too and the first household he made was for the two of us our two cats a dog and a toddler he realized that's how he was feeling subconsciously he did want to be with me the outside world will do what it can to make your life harder there are already challenges and time crunches in relationships but when you add bad supervisors and studying for school it's no wonder things got pushed on the back burner if your problem with the relationship was the spark and you seemingly have that back why would you be worried about not trusting yourself i get quarantine is isolating but this isn't some random person on the internet or your delivery food driver you know this person how about instead of i don't want to break up anymore go with can i take you out on a date approach it like a new thing if she says yes then maybe have her stay in her room for a while for you to prepare the living room for a floor picnic or build a forts or even take her out for a real picnic etc this is a fantastic suggestion i'd upvote twice if i could you know a lot of folks who have been in lockdown together are absolutely sick of each other by now i read that wuhan had a huge number of divorces filed as soon as their quarantine was lifted i think it's special that you two have enjoyed this time together and have been able to reconnect i think it says something that you have not gotten sick of each other and have actually gotten a lot closer and found new ways to appreciate each other maybe you can bring it up by starting with an admission of how vulnerable you are feeling about it perhaps i want to talk to you about something but given what we've been through the past few months i'm feeling nervous about this conversation the truth is that being in lockdown with you has made me appreciate you more than ever and i'm so grateful that we've had this chance to be with each other in a more intentional way than before i realized that if we can be in lockdown together for months and only get closer then there is something special about their relationship i'm still in love with you and i don't want to break up anymore or i want to go on a date with you you should have a plan for what's next if she says no but given your perspective on this it seems like it'll be a good conversation no matter what updates my fiance and i decided to break up but she couldn't move out due to the lockdown after about four months of isolating with her i've realized i don't want to break up anymore so although i didn't get to reply to any of the comments except for one i made sure to read all of them in my main account so i would like to thank everyone for their great advice here i am now excited to tell what happened in the course of five days so the day after posting that nothing really happened i spent that day reflecting on what kind of future i see and what i want with her i also thought a lot about the past how we messed it up how we both got too lost in our jobs etc in my original post i asked if what i'm feeling could be just an infatuation that would go as quickly as it came but i realized that my feelings for her never really disappeared to begin with it's like my heart just went in a deep sleep and i forgot how much feelings i carry for her i think some of you may know and may have pointed out that i'm not really good at communicating my feelings i tend to keep things to myself and my fiancee is one of those few people who can be patient with that some suggested to write a letter instead or a note or marry her in sims i ended up with drafts of sappy letters that i ended up scrapping and a sad attempt to recreate us in the sims but still i wanted to make an effort to show her what i couldn't say through words i've heard about her wanting a few dlcs in the sims in the past so i had the idea to buy a few for her sim's dlcs are pretty expensive especially in our currency i surprised her by stealing her laptop for a few hours and once i gave it back to her she was elated and so happy it was really nice seeing her get so excited over it we played together that whole day and tried to solve the mystery in stranger ville a game pack in the sims it was so fun the next day i found her in the kitchen trying to bake something it was a blueberry cheesecake recipe she saw on youtube i basically became her cooking assistant that day helping her as much as i could and we ended up with a pretty decent outcome that i bet would have tasted better if i hadn't messed up so much she still said she had so much fun and loved the cheesecake though the next day which is just yesterday something important happened we were basically just snuggled up on the couch playing when our sims just autonomously tried for a baby in the bed it was hilarious and we initially laughed about it but then we got pretty silent she then closed her laptop and tugged me tightly then without saying anything i think that was my realization that oh she feels the same as i do so i knew i had to speak up i'm still impressed at myself for managing to talk yesterday without choking up basically opening up the conversation like so are you planning to go to your parents soon she said no she doesn't feel like it yet i asked her why she told me she wanted to stay i told her i wanted her to stay too we went to sleep that night just huddled together and even though we didn't really explicitly say it i think we're now aware of each other's feelings and it really feels like a huge improvement to me earlier we ate breakfast together we weren't as chatty as we've been for the last few months but the silence was comforting we also watched knives out together we haven't had the conversation yet but i'm going to bring it up to her tonight i'm really glad this whole ordeal went much nicer than i expected it would and i'm relieved i didn't let any of my doubts get the best of me though i still have to get better with how i communicate things i'm going to learn for her thank you to everyone who left nice comments in my original post i apologize again if there are any mistakes in my post i'm not a native english speaker nor am i from the usa and they also say in the comments okay hi i posted this thinking the same people who saw my last post would respond and seeing that a few users wanted an update back then i thought what the hell why not give them a little update right now and leave it at that now i have five times more the audience that i had the last time right now my fiance is sleeping next to me yes we had the talk as soon as i posted this i logged out and gathered myself so i can tell her what's been in my mind for months it's really not something so exciting we basically just sat down together and talked about what went wrong before i told her the things i said in my last post and she admitted to worrying about what happens after the lockdown gets lifted fully too we both acknowledged that we worked too hard to become financially stable so that we can get married right now though all we could do is promise and talk about how we're going to manage our time better since we have no idea if our country is ever going to return to normal the curve is not getting flattened at all and the quarantine is about to get extended again and then we talked about our feelings i got to tell her i love her again for the first time in years probably and she told me the same after that it was back to a lighter conversation we basically just bonded until she fell asleep i honestly only thought a handful of people would see my post i made sure to use reddit because this really isn't a big platform in our country and i was sure she wouldn't see this post but now that there's like 20k upvotes as i'm typing this i think she might stumble upon this post sooner or later well then i know she's going to be whining a lot about this but she'd be glad to know that a lot more people found our relationship wholesome thank you all for the kind comments i know some people are thinking why haven't you just talked to her in the first place but getting some perspective from other people really did help give me a push i think if i left myself alone with the thoughts i was having things would have gone a lot worse so i'm really grateful i'm not sure what i'm going to do with the awards i received since this is just a throwaway account though but it's still cool i'll try to answer as many questions as i can and then log out thank you again someone said that their husband rarely showed affection with words while she often did then the wife told her husband that her parents had this thing where they would lightly squeeze her hand three times as a sort of i love you after that her husband was constantly telling her he loved her in this silent fashion way more often than she ever said it out loud if you have difficulty expressing yourself with words maybe you just need a little different approach to sweet nothings like that that's really cool but i also want to become more direct with her i made a promise and it's also actually really nice saying i love you to her directly old me would have loved that idea though posted by user throw ray lost one titled i 17 male just found out that my sister 35 is actually my mother my sister wasn't around much when i was growing up because she was in college then medical school she'd visit on holidays and to the weekends if she wasn't busy whenever she'd visit she would spend a lot of time with me and she'd take me places buy me things and give me advice when i needed it i always felt like i could tell her anything and she wouldn't judge me for it she never really got along with our parents and i never knew what it was about but they would argue often and there was always a lot of tension around them my parents were very loving and we get along so there's no issues there when she started dating her now husband she spent less time with me and she would come over less often five years ago she got married to the guy i don't like him at all he's like an overgrown frat guy and he's always teasing me or seeing dumb crap he can never read the room i've spoken to my sister about it but she says that it's just his way of bonding with people and that he means well and is a nice guy he's been a pain in the ass for five years and just when i was going to give him a chance he screwed it up my sister and her husband came over for dinner two nights ago and we're going to sleep over because they live two hours away he took that as an opportunity to drink as much as he wanted he's already insufferable when sober so drunk him is even worse my sister and i were catching up because it's been a while and i was telling her how i would like to go into the medical field like her jerk husband then comes in saying that it's great that i want to follow in my mom's footsteps my mum has never worked in the medical field so i was confused and thought that he was just being dumb but my sister's face went so pale and my parents were very quiet i just looked at my sister and you could tell that it wasn't just a dumb comment i locked myself in my room and didn't come out until the next day there was a lot of yelling and i just learned something huge so i didn't want to deal with it when i finally decided to leave the room i saw that my sister was sitting right outside the door and that jerk was gone i asked her what the hell was going on and told her not to lie to me or i'll never speak to her again she told me that she got pregnant in her senior year of high school and the guy cuts all contact with her she wanted to keep me and our parents were fully supportive of her she found out that she got into her dream school but she would have to either give up the school or give me up she couldn't choose so she decided to keep both she spoke to our parents about it and the plan was to have them take care of me while she's in school and when she can she will take me back i was supposed to grow up knowing that she is my mom but because she was so busy and stressed out she didn't think that she could handle motherhood our parents noticed that she was pulling away so they adopted me and raised me as theirs she said that she was young and dumb at the time so she agreed with the adoption she said that she thought of dropping out and taking me back so many times but thought i was better off without her as a mom as the years went by she saw less reason to tell me since i was doing good and was being well taken care of she started crying and telling me that she regrets her decision and wants to be my mum even though i'm almost an adult she wants us to start over as mother and son i told her i'd think about it and then she left i went to speak to my parents they told me that they did everything for me because they love me and i'm not obligated to leave now that i know they said that things don't have to change if i don't want them to it seemed more like they didn't want things to change i feel like my whole life is a lie i know that i was well taken care of and i don't want to seem ungrateful but i was lied to my whole life i don't see myself calling my sister mum and living life as if everything is okay my parents are the ones who raised me so how could i just leave them like that on the other hand if i don't decide to go with my sister she might feel like i'm rejecting her or that i hate her and after 17 years she might really give up on me i'm so torn and feel betrayed i can't believe that i found out from that a-hole that makes me even more mad i feel like i have to pick a side and i don't know how to do that i kind of just want to run away and forget about all of this everyone is kind of leaving it up to me and i don't even know what i want for breakfast on a good day how do i approach this without everyone getting hurt anikol says i know you have a lot of advice here and i do not have the same story as yours but it does remind me of my own life my mom had me when she was 15. of course she was just a kid herself and still lived with my grandparents hence i lived with them as well long life story shorts my mom has always been a as much as it pains me to say this because i do love her dearly she just always seemed to make decisions i could never comprehend and still can't to this day ah so frustrating this woman is lol screw up when she was old enough to move on her own she was like 23 i think she did and me and my three-year-old sister stayed with my grandparents now i never called my grandma and grandpa mum and dad they've always been on nana and papa but as i'm older i realize how much they do deserve the titles of mum and dad and they know it mother's day and father's day are always particularly emotional as we have these amazing grandparents who really are the main stable mature parental figures in our lives that we all know deserve these titles but we just will stick with nana and papa they have been there every step of the way not to say my mom hasn't as she has been there for the majority of the big events in my life but not the ones like parents do where they have to drag you to school every soccer practice dentist appointment etc i know my mom is my mom but my grandparents are really parents and i don't know what i would have done without them when my mom was stable enough to finally get us and to take care of us on her own i was 15. i stayed with her until i was about 19 until i realized i wanted to be home and moved back in at my grandparents house while my sister stayed with my mom so yeah now i'm 21 back at home and of course i will always love my mom and she knows that but she also knows it was best for me to be back at home with my grandparents honestly i just say do what your heart desires i can't imagine the pain you felt to know that you were lied to but i know there is so much love in your story and don't worry about who you may hurt in the end do what you think is best for you and i'm sure or at least i hope your family will support you in whatever decision you make just know that your parents love you and wanted to give you a life that they thought would have been better than what your mom could have and this is for y'all says you don't have to pick a side i'm fairly sure your sister will understand that you can't start over you're about to be an adult she watched you grow up beard from the sidelines so she didn't completely miss anything and of course your parents don't want things to change they raised you as their own so they see you as such if you're okay with the way things are your birth mother being your sister and your grandparents being your parents then tell them just that this is going to take time to adjust to and your relationship with your sister is going to be a little different simply because you now know that who she really is to you but that doesn't mean that time won't get you back to where you were or to where you want to be with her take some time as much as you need and think about what you want to change if you want anything to change at all nobody says you have to know right now and nobody in their right mind would expect you to they all love you but do what you think is best for you everyone made their decisions now it's time for you to take your time making yours this is a great comment i second every word of it plus you know who to go to now if you ever need a kidney update i 17 mail just found out that my sister 35 is actually my mother first i want to say thank you guys so much i didn't think that i would get this much feedback i started a family group chat and suggested that we should look into family therapy everyone is on board and is willing to do whatever it takes to make this situation work i'm very lucky and i can see my privilege many kids don't get what i got a loving family so maybe i was making this a bigger deal than it was my sister said that she's going to make more of an effort to be in my life i think therapy might be good for us as for douche husband my sister really wants us to get along but i don't see that happening maybe he should come over to therapy a few times but only if he's serious about it she is very mad at him but she wants to work things out with him also it was really interesting reading stories from people who have experienced something similar or know someone who did it's crazy how often and common these things are i guess until you experience something for yourself it can seem unbelievable it was inspiring to read and some of them were heartbreaking and made me realize i shouldn't let my anger make the decisions because life is short my parents aren't getting any younger i wouldn't want my last moments with them being something so negative they still have to earn my trust but i don't see why we can't be on at least okay terms while they do they have been extremely apologetic since but actions speak louder than words so we'll see another issue that rose is the fact that i don't know where the other half of me came from my biological father basically disappeared from my sister's life i don't know if i should even bring it up because no one else has yet that will be another topic of discussion for therapy i guess thank you so much to those of you who were genuinely trying to be helpful and kind i got a lot of support again thank you if you want to know about your biological father ask at this point everything should be on the table best of luck to you knowing family medical history is super important it can't hurt to ask this may be a bit tangential and i'm not asking in bad faith but what do people mean when they talk about family medical history being important my parents grew up in villages in india and they and my grandparents barely have any medical records i am aware of my parents health conditions mum had breast cancer dad had high blood pressure but outside of the initial intake forms at the dentist or doctor's office no one has asked me about it even when i got really sick and was in the hospital they didn't ask me anything about my family medical history i tried to volunteer information and one doctor just basically said thanks but we're going to run all these tests regardless are there specific medical conditions or issues where the family history becomes super important why is it seen as such a critical piece of info and what do people do if they have family who doesn't really have any of that info anyway like i only know about my parents current conditions because we're really close i have cousins and friends who aren't close with their parents and have no clue at all what their parents health is like i don't think any of them have had major issues because they don't know the family medical history a lot of medical conditions are genetic or have a genetic component so most doctors officers at least in the u.s will ask you about the conditions your parents grandparents and siblings have or had so that they know what conditions you may be at higher risk for for example i have a few immediate family members with ibd so when i went to a gastroenterologist with stomach issues it was one of the first things they tested for with another patient they may have waited for that test since my symptoms didn't really indicate it but because of my high genetic risk they took it more into account it just helps them narrow things down a bit diagnostically and let them know things to monitor for posted by user throw ra advice 12 titled i 29 female keep finding long hairs in my bathroom which is strange because my husband 32 female is bald and i have a short pixie crop hairstyle typo husband is bald 32 male using a throwaway account because reasons this started a few weeks ago while cleaning the bathroom i found a number of long hair strands over my bathroom wall by the shower this struck me is very odd because not only does my husband not have hair i also wear a very cropped short hairstyle so it's impossible for the strands i found to belong to either me or my husband confused i washed them away but couldn't stop thinking about it i decided not to mention it but kept looking out for them there seems to be a pattern that there's hairs appearing when i'm either at work or out for a longer time period i feel like i'm going crazy and feel like i shouldn't just immediately go to my husband cheating on me with a longer-haired woman i asked my husband about it and he just shrugged which makes me more paranoid as surely this is something that's strange so why is he so blase about it i'm starting to think he's playing it down to stop me from finding out the truth it happened again two days ago and i asked my husband again he dismissed it but this time admitted it's strange but told me the only explanation is that they must be my hairs they are not and after seeing so now he'll just ignore me if i bring it up i don't want to assume my husband is cheating on me and accuse him of such over something so ridiculous but i'm driving myself into the ground trying to work out how the hairs have got there without my husband dismissing it as nothing during lockdown we haven't had any visitors that i know of so can rule out his sister do you do your laundry at a public laundromat or share washes and dryers with anyone or is there anyone you would have been in contact during this time that has long hair while unlikely that may explained finding hairs once or twice but if it's reoccurring especially in the shower i don't think you are unreasonable to be suspicious we don't use a public laundromat on occasion use a dry cleaners but not since lockdown could it be a wig could your husband be into cross-dressing i will do a meticulous search of the house for any wigs and possible drag paraphernalia i remember reading something similar on the internet years ago where i then discovered that some long-haired women mark their territory this way when they are having affairs which is weird af but apparently a thing yeah the hair placement is exactly that of during a hair wash so some hair that's pulled out during which is then stuck on the wall i used to do it before my haircut but i used to wash it away after showering does your husband shave his butt or is it hairy have you thought about that my husband's butt hair is not eight plus inches long that would be kind of weird and slightly disturbing could someone be living in your attic or crawl space or come into your house while you're at work through a window unlocked door etc if in doubt buy a small camera and put it someplace to film the bathroom door during the day and that should give you your answer these are the type of comments that will give me nightmares and johnny 4256 says start collecting all the hairs until one day you have enough of them to create a persuasive wig out of it once you have the wig wear it and sit in the living room with your back facing the front door when your husband walks through pretend to be the mistress and record his reaction with a hidden camera if he is confused as to who is in his living room he's not cheating if he says what are you doing here you've got a problem hope this helps update i 29 female keep finding long hairs in my bathroom which is strange because my husband is bold and i have a short pixie crop hairstyle i ultimately decided against getting a secret camera set up because ironically enough i didn't want to betray my partner's trust though part of me wanted to get one to squash any worries of someone living in my walls as per some commenters said i did though plan to leave work early which is something i've never done before my boss allowed me to leave after a half day upon returning home nothing seemed to miss i was expecting another car on the drive or parked outside on the street there was no other car i didn't recognize quietly letting myself in i was immediately confused in the hallway there was a pair of shoes i didn't recognize and not only that they looked like men's shoes standing in the hallway trying to work out what to do if i should sneak around or make my presence known and before i could decide my husband walks out of the kitchen with two cups of tea by my husband's face it was obvious he was surprised to see me playing along with naivety i asked my husband how he could have known i was coming home so early to make me tea expecting my husband to lie he surprised me by sitting down and explaining everything at the beginning of lockdown his friend someone i'm not all that close with because i've only met once was evicted lost his job and had been couch surfing so for some days over the past couple of weeks this guy has been traveling to our house and with the acceptance of my husband using our bathroom to freshen up to attend interviews he was also borrowing shirts and suits from my husband as it turns out my husband's friend has long hair and a beard so it turns out my husband isn't cheating on me but was hiding the fact that his long-haired friend was coming over to use our shower after his shower i ended up meeting dave and he turned out to be a very nice bloke just down on his luck i wished him the best for his socially distanced interview and he went on his way i asked my husband why he didn't just tell me as i wouldn't have had a problem with it turns out he was worried about my reaction and me not liking his friend or approving of the situation he also told me dave was very embarrassed about the whole situation and didn't want people to know what he was having to do i told my husband i was starting to believe he was cheating and he was shocked having not even considered those implications while attempting covering for his friend i told him this whole thing was ridiculous and even suggested his friend live with us until he's back on his feet funnily enough my worst case scenario which was mentioned in the replies was either a homeless man or woman living in my walls and sneakily using the shower and though this seems to be half the case i'm glad it wasn't a stranger as such that was unwelcome and someone that wasn't living in my walls thank you everyone that commented and took an interest in this as the person who has been down like that before it is kind of embarrassing if you've lost everything and just want to get back on your feet as discreetly as possible dave might have been couch surfing but if he needed to use their shower and bathroom he was probably in actuality homeless and just wasn't telling opie's husband it's respectable to try and get back up on your feet and not feel like you're bothering everyone there's probably more to dave's story than opie is stating or even knows about couchsurfing is homelessness when you have friends homelessness is when you have been homeless so long those friends have abandoned you and you are on the streets posted by user throw ra apartment baby titled one of my female 22 best friends female 21 is supposed to move in with me in october she has now gotten pregnant and wants us to raise the baby together so yeah i've rented a room in a great four bedroom apartment for the past year and since my two roommates both are moving out in august i've been offered to rent the whole apartment which is a great opportunity and i've already asked my two best friends if they wanted to sublet the other two rooms and move in with me which they were both very excited to do my two current roommates aren't moved out yet and no lease has been signed either on my part or my two friends parts so it is still in the hypothetical i've been transparent to my friends that it might fall through as my landlord might change his mind and just let me continue to rent the one room and not let anyone else move in as the building is going to be renovated once all renters have moved out my one friend indy has an apartment of her own that she's comfortable in so she isn't depending on this to go through even though my apartment is definitely better located and more spacious my other friend leila still lives at home where she isn't in a rush to move out either so none of my friends would end up with nowhere to stay should this doesn't work out leila is very excited and i've been excited with her talking about how we each have a bit of money saved they could go towards improving the apartment and it's been great to have someone to dream with the past month now things took a turn on wednesday leila found out she's pregnant she got tinder about two months ago and has been having some fun meeting new people and dating which is completely new territory for her and so there are more than one option for a father all of whom she isn't interested in involving she's over the moon for this news and wants to keep the baby and raise it as a single mother i personally think this is a terrible idea she's only 21 she's not in university yet only has a part-time job of four hours a week and has a long history of depression and anxiety disorders possibly borderline personality disorder or something like it she's in treatment to find the right diagnosis has never lived out of her parents home or taken care of herself at all it's her decision and not mine though and i will of course be there for her as i've known her for over 15 years and i love her she hasn't told her parents yet because they would flip out and she would like to be moved out before she does tell them she wants to move into the apartment still and raise the baby there with my friend and i we met up friday and she laid out this plan on how she could work until she knew what she wanted to do in terms of university and my friend and i could babysit together arranging it after our classes she said we could each put our savings towards the baby as we essentially would all be parents i am just not okay with this at all i feel like university is stressful and i don't have enough time as it is for my assignments without caring for a kid in my spare time i am 22 and i also like doing 22 things like having friends over for a drink on fridays and sleeping in on sundays having dates over and all that jazz and having an infant in the apartment is just not something i see working out with my lifestyle it's her choice to keep the baby but i don't think it's right to force my friend and i to be co-parents with her i think she has this romantic view of what it's like to care for a small child especially as a single young mother with very little means and even though i love her i am not willing to sacrifice that amount of time and money on her decision to become a parent unexpectedly she is only six weeks long so it's not an immediate problem but i feel like i can't let her move in now indy doesn't know yet but i'm thinking she will have the same feeling as me about the situation layla has told a few of her friends i'm not very close with about her plan as if it's definitely going to happen and they are very excited for her and kinda hyping her up and further painting an idyllic picture of how she is going to raise this kid in my apartment i just have no idea what to do right now i don't know how i'm supposed to tell her that this is not going to work for me and she can't move in here with a baby i didn't directly tell her i think it's insane for her to have a baby right now as this must be a tough and scary time for her and i didn't want to upset her too much i did tell her how i have concerns with how it would work out but she wasn't fazed at all should i tell her parents her mum is a very sweet and kind person who always helped her but her dad is a different story and i don't know how he would react i have considered talking to india about it and maybe figuring out a way for us to tell her together or something but yeah any advice or comments are appreciated thank you live in the fifa dream aren't we all says i'm gonna preface this by stating my heated opinion followed by my advice i'm sorry but she sounds obnoxiously selfish and incredibly toxic i understand that she is a very close friend and that you'd want to help her through thick and thin but for her to not only ask you and your other friend to add infant care to your full-time education but to also ask you guys to contribute financially no combination of words can describe that level of insanity when you factor in the details regarding her current school and work status that only further proves her unreliability and potential to seriously screw you financially you sound like you're doing well for yourself with going to school and living independently following through with what she is asking of you is only going to [ __ ] you and destroy your own potential i'm in my twenties and have close friends from childhood that unfortunately made a hell of a lot more mistakes than i did i haven't been in your exact position but i have been in similar ones i can 100 guarantee that your best option is to be completely honest with her and tell her what you need to do in order for her to get a grip on reality not only say how hurtful it is for her to put you in that position but tell her as a super close friend that wants to see her be successful and happy that she simply needs to grow up and face this as an adult offer to be there with her to tell her parents but tell her that they need to know they're obviously going to know sooner or later tell her that instead of moving in with you and your other friend she is much better off with her parents while simultaneously finding a job with more hours so she can save as much as possible if she can't take that reality and goes directly on the defensive then that's up to you to decide if you need that toxicity in your life i genuinely wish the both of you the absolute best unexpected pregnancies are life-changing and difficult to get through and you're going to need all the support you can get but there are right ways and wrong ways to do it what she is proposing so far is the wrong way to do it and she needs to know that updates my best friend is moving in with me but has now gotten pregnant and wants us to raise the baby together so this was not a big post at all but one or two people asked for an update if there were any and so here i am again for a quick recap i am possibly going to rent the entire four bedroom apartment that i currently sublet a room in sometime around september october and two of my best friends are moving in my friend leila has gotten pregnant and was planning to move in with me and have the three of us taking care of the baby as physically and financially i took the advice someone gave to talk to my other future roommate andy about it and we both agreed that it was not something we wanted to do at all and we decided to confront her about it together so she could understand it wasn't going to happen we got together at my place on tuesday and had some tea we just sat down and said that basically we were very worried about her and the scenario that she had in her head about us raising the baby together as it's just completely irresponsible and we don't want that at all we decided to not lay out the whole thing about her mental health job situation and all that because we didn't want it to feel like an attack on her but more just us setting some boundaries she got really emotional and told us that she knew what was ridiculous but she was scared and in shock and really didn't know how to react or think straight apparently it wasn't even her idea to begin with but some of her other friends we don't know very well who came up with it and sort of pressured her to feel a certain way because they were extremely excited for her she just said that she has been crying every day since she found out and she's so scared for the future and really just wants everything to go back to normal at that point we just said that we totally understand and we of course will be there for her no matter what she decides to do but we really also felt that it would be a lot for her to be a mum under these circumstances so yeah she decided getting an abortion would be the best thing for her she said her initial reaction was to terminate the pregnancy but she had a lot of guilt associated with that as she had been brought up in a very conservative family i'd rather not hear anything about her morals of that decision as i don't think that would really be helpful to the conversation we told her that we would be with her every step of the way if she needed it and so we both went with her to the doctors on thursday to confirm she was pregnant and to find out the options since she is only six weeks pregnant she could get some pills to take over a 48-hour period and that would make the embryo detach she got the first one at the hospital on friday when we were there with her too and they both stayed over at my place the whole weekend for the rest of it since her parents still don't know and she didn't want to tell them my roommate is conveniently on holiday with some of her friends for the rest of the week so we had the whole place to ourselves and nothing to explain to anyone she took the other pill yesterday and everything seems to be going smoothly she just has a heavy period basically which coincidentally aligned up with both indies and mine tmi sorry so we've all been laying in my bed with heating pads and netflix being a little miserable together but things are going well and the pain has not been too much for just regular painkillers there has been some crying lots of hugs and long walks and talks in the forest and i feel like things are going to be okay they both staying here until my roommates get back so she can go through this in a comfy environment without having to pretend nothing is wrong so yeah it seems like the plan of moving in together is back on as originally planned and everything will be okay layla was offered some counselling at the hospital about getting through an abortion and the feelings about it which she is starting some time next week thank you so so much for the people who gave me advice when i needed it this outcome is better than i could have imagined and i wouldn't have thought of doing it this way if it wasn't for you guys so thank you edits this got a lot more attention than i thought it would given that my original post had 7 upvotes and nine comments so a bit of an overwhelming read this morning but thank you to everyone for commenting i've read them all and i'm very moved by the overwhelming positivity it feels really nice to know that you guys think we made the right call and going about it this way and it means a lot to me that you think we are good friends i figured i'd just respond to some of the main comments slash questions that i've received a lot so it's all just here at the top so first off about getting an sdi test she already had that as part of the initial examination and she was all clear thank god second about getting birth control then she was apparently using condoms which i didn't know when i made the original post so correction there birth control pills are not an option as they don't react well with a particular type of medication she is already on about her other friends the ones who came up with the idea of us raising the baby together a lot of people commented of how crappy friends they are and i agree which is why they aren't my friends layla still likes them but she wants some distance they have all grown up in the same church environment so i think she excuses their behavior because of that they don't see abortion as an option so i think they were just trying to comfort her and look for a solution though out of touch with reality a lot of people suggested to tell them she had a miscarriage but we decided that telling them it was just a false pregnancy would be better because knowing them i would be worried that they might throw a memorial party or something of the sort for her and i just don't think that would be helpful at all we've written a draft for the group text she has with them but i think she will wait a bit to send it out indy and i are just staying silent on the matter i don't feel like it's my story to tell or not tell and i wouldn't be comfortable lying about it so as far as we're concerned she just had a false positive pregnancy test and that's all we know someone brought up about health insurance and if it would be possible that our parents could find out that way but we live in a country with a free health care system so that was thankfully not a concern and lastly someone brought up that she shouldn't move in because she sounds unreliable and irresponsible i definitely agree that she was out of touch with reality for a while there but seeing how difficult of a time this has been for her i really don't blame her at all i would probably have done something equally crazy if i was in that position i have probably also made her sound a bit worse than she is because i was pretty annoyed with her when i wrote the first post she is normally very responsible and reliable and i trust her completely with moving in as i wouldn't have asked her in the first place if i didn't think she could find a job and pay rent just i did not think she would be able to do that with a child too on just a final note i didn't really want to have the morals of the decision to terminate the pregnancy discussed but i guess that's inevitable i'm surprised by the number of people being supportive and finding comfort in the way we went about it and talking about their own experiences that makes me happy to see to the people who disagree that i'm not going to have that discussion it's not my choice to make or to decide between right and wrong and if you want to judge me or my friends for making the choices we thought to be right then you can just go ahead and do that to everyone wishing us the best i wish you the best right back and i'll make sure to give her hugs from all of you and yeah personally i'm really glad that this had such a positive outcome it's not always that we do get positive updates and endings on these but i'm glad that it's all been really good today and you know we all have to make tough decisions in our lives and this wasn't a really easy decision at all it was looking really grim there in that initial post but i'm glad everyone's doing better now and i hope that they all lead good lives as a result of this posted by user throwra 927 titled my sister and my brother-in-law won't let me kiss my boyfriend i thirty female have agreed to carry my sister's 42 female baby for her as she is unable herself and lacks the financial resources to pay a surrogate i am happy to do this or at least i was i'm six months along at the moment and i met a lovely man recently and we are in the early stages of a relationship he knows about my situation and is very accepting and considerate before agreeing to carry their baby we had some firm rules placed they asked me to stay away from any sexual contact with men i agreed and i really didn't mind nor do i mind it right now the agreement was no sex of any kind and i have not done anything with anyone as agreed a few days ago i introduced my new boyfriend to my sister and brother-in-law and at first everything was great they invited us for dinner last saturday we had a great meal and a great time together they all seemed to get along that is until he had to leave when my boyfriend said his goodbyes to my sister and brother-in-law he then came over to me and tugged and kissed me quite passionately but not in a vulgar way nor was it for a long period literally seconds as soon as he left my sister and brother-in-law jumped down my throats asking about how i broke the rules how disgusting and wicked i am i genuinely was shocked i had not expected such a blowouts or their irrational behavior slash feelings towards me literally just getting a kiss i decided not to argue or even go into a conversation with them and just walked home i live about 30 minutes walk away and by the time i got back home i had an email waiting for me the email contained our original agreement but now it included a section with no kissing of any kind and they want me to sign the new agreement i don't want to as i have been more than accommodating and considerate of all their original requests i feel like they are now crossing boundaries and acting as if i am some sort of farm animal they own and control i don't want to create any further animosity between us they have been calling and texting me since then and i have yet to answer i would like to reply backfire email so that there can be no confusion and to create some separation any advice on what to write would be great so how do i reply back to their email without being rude or how do i deal with them in general edits they did offer to drive me home but i declined as i enjoy walking and at the time it was my only way to comfortably exercise the baby is my biological sisters and brother-in-law this child is made from her last and only viable egg they had tried so many times before but they all failed so i understood their anxiety and worry when we originally made the first agreements and i viewed it and still view their initial request as acceptable i wasn't in a relationship at the beginning of all of this and they were worried about potential stis and i understood and i was already taking a break from sex and men at the time i am doing this completely for free and without any reward other than helping my sister have her first and only biological child edits i've decided to send this as a response dear sister and brother-in-law i am truly shocked and saddened by your reaction to my partner kissing me and with your continued behavior i'd like to remind you that i am a human being an adult and your family i am honored to carry your child and to help you as best i can however i insist on being treated as a person and not an incubator i can understand both of your worries and irrational thoughts as this is your last attempt for a biological child i truly empathize with you and want you to have your beautiful family this is why i've agreed to do this completely for free with the restrictions that we've originally agreed to and sets i have been nothing less than compliant and considerate of all your requests i have upheld my side of the agreement i have kept my word and upheld my responsibilities towards the baby and yourselves however instead of being beyond grateful you two have decided to stop respecting me so much so that you now feel you're in a position to make any demands of me instead of treating me as the kind and very generous sister i am being i love you and i love the baby i am carrying for you i would never ever do anything to harm the baby or cause any disruption to a healthy successful pregnancy and birth i will therefore under no circumstances sign the new agreement as i do not agree with it however i do demand you both take a step back and try to look at all of this rationally i fully understand your anxiety around the baby given the struggles you've faced i feel for you greatly but that does not mean you two get to treat me in this manner the stress and distress that you two are causing me is far more damaging to the baby than any kissing between my partner and i again i ask you to rethink what you're doing and if you are not capable i will have to start distancing myself from both of you until after the birth of your child lovingly your sister last edits i live in the marshall islands and we have zero curve at nineteen and so their worry wasn't coming from fear of me or the baby contracting it they are paying for all medical expenses and any expenses that come with the pregnancy they just aren't paying me as a surrogate the cost of a surrogate here can vary from fifty thousand dollars to a hundred and twenty thousand dollars and it's not unusual to pay way more than that clueing one two three says the way they are trying to control that aspect of your life is outrageous normal surrogate contracts aren't even like this you have no obligation to put your life 100 on hold like that while carrying their baby what you were doing is such a selfless act already you shouldn't let them force you to adhere to those rules if you don't agree to those rules i'd explain that to them and that you will no longer discuss any of that with them as it's not their business who you kiss it's honestly none of their business whether she has sex either i seriously doubt that agreement is legal or enforceable tell them to go try their luck spending eighty thousand dollars on some third-party surrogates if they don't like it i could agree with it if it said something like agree to take reasonable precautions against contracting stds or something like just saying this as a thing that exists please be careful but this whole thing stunk from the beginning and over a fudging kiss no we are so far over the line at first i thought the same but then i thought i could understand because covered but then i thought that obviously isn't a concern since they are having a fudging dinner party and opie made an edit regarding it they're crazy that's literally insane you're already giving up a sex life for nine months and going through the hardships of pregnancy set your boundaries girl she should get paid a crap ton for this but unfortunately i suspect they just convinced her that she needs to do it opie should send the modified contract back with a new clause op will get paid forty thousand dollars when the pregnancy ends or something then it's probably worth not kissing for the next months lol updates off poor op risks ruining her body for a thank you and i wouldn't be surprised if she is scammed out of that even exactly this if they're going to treat her as their employee 24 7 for the next three months she should be compensated accordingly no is a complete sentence alternatively i signed your agreement in the first place you don't get to change it end of story not up for negotiation if you want to tear up the original agreement let me know i'm not signing an updated one i will live my life by the terms that we agreed edits or what might be a decent answer too you aren't creating animosity they are being insane bear in mind they didn't say we're not comfortable with that or could you please not however unreasonable that is they went straight from zero to a hundred they've also admitted you haven't broken the rules by trying to update the rules say no keep your distance if they get crappy about it they clearly don't care about being rude to you so don't worry yourself too much about them interpreting what you write as being rude either they sound like the sort of people who even when faced with the kindest and gentlest no the world has ever seen they still flip out and think it's rude so don't exhaust yourself looking for perfect language don't negotiate with emotional terrorists my sister and brother-in-law won't let me kiss my boyfriend's update i sent that email and cc'd my lawyer who reached out to theirs to arrange a meeting to go through our contract discuss the current issue and re-establish boundaries however my sister decided to come over today to discuss things before our meeting after a long talk she apologized to me and told me that her husband got in her head because he believed that if he was kissing a woman like that then surely they do more or plan on doing more my brother-in-law basically got into my sister's head by believing i would have sex with my boyfriend because and i quote no man can last that long without and why would a man willingly choose a pregnant woman let alone one who wouldn't have sex with him so of course she's having sex with him their main worry was that he might have an sti and possibly transfer it to me and hurt their baby after our talk i did accept her apology but i also requested distance for a little while as it did and does hurt that they would be that ungrateful and irrational to have acted so terribly towards me my sister and i normally get along very well and this is literally our first time falling out normally she is my rock and this was their first time crossing the line but i guess anxiety and fear can really make people act absolutely insane just to clarify some things the reason why my sister and brother-in-law asked me is because i had been a surrogate once before and already have two children of my own during my first surrogacy i delivered two healthy children for a chinese couple who paid me more than handsomely for the pregnancy and my milk i had never intended to carry another child after my surrogacy but i had watched my sister and brother-in-law struggle for many years and with many failed attempts at the time that they had asked me for my help they had already spent at least a half a million on one failed surrogacy several failed ivf attempts and fertility specialists they simply couldn't afford to try again this is why i agreed that they would pay for all medical expenses and other bills relating to the pregnancy clothing rents bills food pregnancy aftercare but not for my actual time our surrogacy contract is legally binding and enforceable if i deviate from our agreed terms in terms of a fine they assumed that kissing was included into the contract and believed i was in breach which is why they flipped out of me at dinner our contract is 120 pages and i guess they forgot that kissing wasn't included the no sex rule was added as i was practicing celibacy at the time and they had no issue and still don't have an issue with continuing it i also practiced celibacy during my last surrogacy as the chinese couple i was carrying for requested it and they were willing to pay extra for my celibacy including extra pay for regular sti testing and extra pay for every day i used their pre-approved nutritional plan couples who do pay for a surrogate can ask of the surrogates during negotiations for nearly anything that is considered reasonable and or the surrogate willingly accepts lastly i am all for pro-choice and absolutely believe in a woman's rights to choose but you can't legally abort a baby at six months as it is literally a viable baby it is a premature baby that can live outside the womb also what a ridiculously cruel thing to do to the baby yourself and the parents damn your brother-in-law has some regressive views but hopefully you'll be fine and so will your relationship with them although i hope you make sure he understands his boundaries yeah i am pretty upset with my brother-in-law for starting crap but also with my sister who would so easily believe it especially since i am literally putting my life on hold for them and possibly endangering my life women still die from pregnancies and birth my sister did try to apologize on his behalf and he did ask if he could come over to apologise but i am kind of done to be honest which is why i have asked for complete distance from him and he's no longer allowed to be in the room during the birth i am trying to carry on a relationship with my sister as best as i can but i also need distance from her which she understands and has accepted posted by user throw r a honey poop titled i 23 male found a sex tape on my girlfriend's 23 females phone and it wasn't ours i've been dating this girl for over 5 years she's very special to me even at this point i can't help but hope she's not too worried about why i've been acting so oddly i honestly was planning to marry her sometime in the future as soon as we settled into our adults lives one day we were chilling at her house when i asked her if she could send me the funny picture she took earlier that day of one of our puppies she was busy on her pc so she told me to just grab her phone to send it to myself when i went into a phone gallery i noticed a hidden folder which i hadn't seen before out of curiosity i opened it it was filled with her nudes most have already seen some of which she's never sent to me before i thought maybe she was stockpiling for whenever i asked for any i clicked on a video it was a sex tape it was from the pov of the guy but the thing is i don't remember ever filming it it 100 wasn't me trust me i know what my own schlong looks like my girlfriend recorded having sex with another man for the last five years we've had our fair share of fights but nothing too serious she'd always make me feel loved and i could tell she really cares about me or at least i thought she did after i returned her phone to her i quickly got up and went home i couldn't stay there any longer and now i'm here i don't really know what to do i'm planning on confronting her and breaking it off but right now i'm just so in shock five years down the drain and i feel like i just lost my best friend i'm not really sure how to feel i can't think straight what would be the best way to handle this situation hello redditers246 says did you see a date on the video if it was during the past five years then that could be a problem but you should probably come clean to her in person so you can gauge her reactions and see if she's lying it could be a huge misunderstanding but it could also be a huge breakup i say just get to the bottom of it if it does turn out to be a breakup at least you found out before settling down with her opie says i didn't check the date but it was most likely pretty recent if the folder was sorted by time get the date first before confronting or at least only confront her in person do not give her time to delete anything edits it's so that he can check for the date before he confronts her it is better to have as much information as possible before confronting in the off chance that it's not what it looks like though admittedly that chance is very small as evidence it is useless that much is true it doesn't matter if he gives her time to delete anything he should definitely talk to her asap and if she ends up deleting the video then the answer is pretty clear edits should mention that it's also important if she denies or lies about it after possibly deleting the video then the answer is very clear yeah i caught my girlfriend a few years back of her texting someone she had cheated on me with i confronted her and when she asked what texts are you talking about she had deleted the whole thread then said why were you looking through my phone anyway when i asked why she deleted them she said it meant nothing just friendly conversation and i didn't want you to keep seeing a conversation that will only upset you it's scumbag gaslighting behavior okay so this sounds tough but there's really only one solution ask her about it you're only upsetting yourself thinking about it and all the details of it ask her and then you can figure out where you stand i would suggest getting the date before confronting if he confronts she can delete and gaslight saying it wasn't ever there or he was confused the date is a concrete fact and it will be harder for her to dismiss it and will have to respond to the problem instead of hiding it like outlook is not good right now if rp is being honest they have been together for five years there is a sex video recorded with another dick fairly recently he needs the date as something concrete so he doesn't just get pulled back in even if she deletes it saying it's an old video he could just ask why she has an old sex tape video on her phone they've been together five years plus for him to come across it on her phone means it's not deep in her old photos meaning it could be recent or something she re-downloaded especially given that relatively few people especially 23 year olds have the same smartphone they did five years ago so unless she is one of them it looks like it was either made recently or she had to actively decide to transfer it to this phone eta as the comments below reminded me automatic backup and restore could make it possible though improbable that she legitimately forgot that it was on her phone and i think that's where i'm gonna leave that one it doesn't have an update yet neither does the next story but if they do get updates i will be sure to include them in future videos posted by user throw ra adk titled i 26 mail recently found out that my fiance 28 female has hid her massive debt from me for our entire relationship i'm thinking of calling off everything and leaving but everyone around me says i'm overreacting so over the last 48 hours my life and relationship has basically gone off the deep end and i need some advice i've been with my fiance a little over three years now we met through friends and started dating soon after i proposed at the beginning of the year and we were planning to try to get married this summer due to a certain worldwide event we had to put that off though outside of the normal relationship troubles that most people have our relationship has been great i really felt like she was the one and i loved her but it turns out she's been lying to me about her financial situation my fiance has never been in a good situation financially she never went to college and works as a server full time this was never a problem for me i went to trade school and make enough money to support the both of us if needed i have had to give her money before to help her when we were dating and this never bothered me we ended up moving in together specifically to help her out in this area this was never a problem for me as i really don't care about money however this week i found out that she's been lying to me about how bad her financial situation actually was when we moved in together my fiance claimed she only had about six thousand dollars worth of credit card debt i gave her the money to pay that off when we moved in together so that it wouldn't be a problem in the future well it turns out this was a lie this week i found out that she has much more debt over one hundred and ten thousand dollars she did not tell me this i found this out when a debt collector called me it turns out when she moved in with me she didn't inform any of her creditors that she moved even though i don't care about the money this ticked me off to no end i confronted her yesterday about this she claims that she was so afraid she was going to lose me at the start of the relationship she decided to just not tell me about her massive debt and just going to wait till after we were married for three years she just decided to lie to me i called off the marriage then and there and packed a bag and left for my parents house she's called me nearly 60 times since then and i've ignored every one when i told my parents about this they say that i'm being immature and petty according to them this is not a big deal because everyone has debt nowadays and if i love her i need to understand how scared she was to tell me i do love her but she lied to me for three years about this along with this the fact that she is so far in debt will become my problem if we get married everyone i've talked to says that i need to look past this and go back home but honestly i'm thinking of just calling her and telling her i'm done and where over i feel like i need some advice here if she didn't go to college and doesn't own a property how the hell did she amass a hundred and ten thousand dollars worth of debt credit cards buddy i've had some credit card debts in my time that i'm not proud of 110k is literally insane unless it's all from like medical debt like out of touch with reality kind of insane unless there's a really good story behind this then i would consider this a deal breaker not because of the money itself but because it indicates a pattern of compulsive spending behavior that either a went on for a long time or b is still going on and will resume as soon as her credit score bounces high enough for her to open new cards do not marry this person right now and don't accept explanations without receipts would be my take i'm normally all about boundaries but the fact that she covered this up so long is a huge problem and if she has a gambling addiction or similar she'll probably still feel compelled to lie ditto i'm like a poster child for stupid consumerism i can't muster but a small fraction of 110k jeebus that is all star level credit card debt i am asked 15k in credit card debt deliberately over three years with a frickin i'm in debt anyway might as well go full bore attitude i literally opened a 5k credit card and withdrew the limit 500 per day every day at the atm i took out payday loans at multiple places and deliberately didn't pay them back i deliberately let my overdraft fill up and switched banks i did everything i could possibly do to amass as much credit card debt and only hit about 15k 110k indicates something bigger is going on i would normally say money is not a factor in love but it is when it's tied to deceit and lies i'd say truth or run why would you do this not the op you're responding to but this is exactly how my depression often manifests i don't have debts unfortunately but i definitely blow crap off or act really apathetic about serious issues when it's bad he was getting laid as my guess thomas wraith says i work in credits underwriting 110k is a massive amount of credit card debts she has likely been lying on credit applications to even have that amount of credit available to her she will probably be declined for pretty much anything going forward house loan car loan etc that level of debt at her income level is nearly impossible to pay off if debt collectors are calling that means she is already in default for at least one card she will probably be forced to choose between filing bankruptcy or facing a lawsuit this is a very big deal your parents are wrong flee from this situation because it's going to be around for probably the next 10 years as it is much longer if our spending addiction isn't addressed immediately all right i think that's where we're going to leave today's episode guys i really do hope you enjoyed the content today if you guys loved watching it as much as i loved making it i would love for you to subscribe to the channel already if you haven't tell me what you thought of it down in the comments below maybe like the video who knows i'd also like to take this time to thank my awesome patreon and channel members without you guys you know i don't know what i'd do i'd probably be homeless on the streets of ireland crying irish dancing all over town it would just be a mess but now for real you guys are up on the screen now thank each and every one of you guys and if you personally want to join the club yourself there are links down in the description below there's also the join button next to the subscribe button small monthly fee but hey it goes a long way to help me create more awesome content well with that said guys i hope you do have a lovely day night sleep evening day at work day at school whatever you're up to i hope you keep awesome today you're looking amazing and i will see you in the next video bye

Channel: Markee

Views: 22,150

Keywords: r/relationshipadvice, relationship, advice, relationshipadvice, r/relationship, reddit, Markee, Markee relationship, r/justnoMIL, r/amitheasshole

Id: o-M7iGyNZXA

Length: 147min 16sec (8836 seconds)

Published: Mon Jul 27 2020