r/Relationships - My Fiance Hid His Dark Side From Me...

good day there guys it's your aussie hubby marky and welcome back to another episode of r slash relationship advice now if you like today's content i want you to sit back relax chuck a prawn on the barbie and get ready for some bloody good episode stuff things whatever thank you posted by user throwra 89891 titled my fiance told me he is tired of hiding who he is from me and now i'm not sure i want to get married so my fiancee 26 male and i 25 female have been dating for three years we have known each other for eight years and just got engaged a year ago we are also long distance since he is military so i only see each other for maybe four to five days a month with the exception of summers when i move wherever he is to stay with him for a month or two so throughout the last three years of the relationship it became very evident that my fiance let's call him dave held some pretty serious prejudices for example he passionately dislikes fat people and would consistently insult strangers and make disparaging jokes about fat people he prided himself on being an imperialist proudly called himself a sexist and didn't talk to women unless it was for relationship purposes and also said my brother might be treated differently by police because he looks threatening my brother and i are black dave is white anyway i addressed all of these things whenever they came up and we had multiple conversations in which he decided it was wrong to hold these beliefs however after addressing them he would get extremely upset if i called him out on seeing anything slightly prejudicial throughout the relationship because he would say he doesn't hold those beliefs anymore last month we got into a pretty big argument about why systemic racism is bad he said it makes the u.s look bad and it weakens our foreign influence so therefore it is bad whereas i am of the mind that it is bad because black people including myself are human beings and deserve to be treated with an equal amount of dignity respect and general decentness this argument escalated and he started going on a rant of how tired he is of stepping over eggshells around me and how he can never find the right words to make me happy and that he is tired of hiding who he is around me this was very shocking and i tried to probe more on what he was hiding and basically he revealed all of the prejudices i thought he had gotten over he still had and was just trying to suppress them around me he mentioned one of the things he's tired of hiding is that he still strongly dislikes fat people and doesn't see a problem with that but i have suspected that this has been the cause of a lot of his behavior such as one asking me how much i've eaten every day and what time i ate don't eat after 8 pm 2. telling me to drink water all the time 3. insulting my friends for gaining weight 4. telling his own mother not to eat fatty foods 5. asking why some people in my family were fats and six telling me he doesn't want to get me pregnant because he wants me to be skinny longer countless other little things here and there but whenever i said do you have a problem with fat people still he would get defensive and pretend i was imagining it again we are long distance so i suppose i don't get to see the person he is all of the time but now that he's told me i feel like i can't trust him and he is sucking up because he knows i don't want to do this anymore because it feels like a lie so we're seeing a friend of his for marriage counselling i put it in parentheses because the guy is not qualified and talks to dave outside of sessions all the time and even brought his own wife to a session and now dave said he's ready to change and leave these prejudices behind really this time i've lost trust and honestly have not felt the same about our relationship since that day although he's saying that it'll change this time i'm not sure if he means it or is just trying to placate me into staying in the relationship then reverting back whenever he feels like he has me plus i believe these prejudices stem from a lack of empathy and insecurity that reflect in other areas like the way he reacted to the pandemic completely ignored any rules and felt like he could get me sick too because i'm young even though i told him i do not want to get sick i also reminded him that i'm high risk because i have asthma to which he said ah i forgot you're unhealthy he's consistently putting me down for my genes and even explicitly said my genes are superior to yours anyways he said what i wanted to hear in order to make me feel safe enough to move down for the summer and when i got there late march he didn't want to take any precautions that we had previously discussed for example wearing a mask he says i'm not a face mask kind of guy or having hand sanitizer in the car and actually argued with me when i insisted and was condescending calling me mum and rolling his eyes with all of that said sorry i know that's a lot does anyone have any advice on what i should do run yes the statements my genes are superior to yours is enough right there for you to run for the hills all of the other prejudices should make you run even faster op says just want to defend him slightly on that superior gene statement for more context but he claims he was referring to athleticism he has a hyper fascination with physique and always comments on other men's muscles or athleticism for example every time he watches show a movie he will comment on how the man's physique looks don't think it's necessarily a race thing more of our specific families and his horror about some of my family members being obese and me having asthma but then again he did say that his only black friend who was tall in buff would breed well five years ago yikes yeah that was another argument guys i'm really embarrassed about staying in this relationship the more i think about it the more i'm disappointed in myself for naively thinking that his continued silence on these things meant he had changed them don't be ashamed or disappointed in yourself for being with him it's not your fault he turns out to be a crap head there are lessons to be learnt and you'll grow from them on another note though don't defend him to me there's a certain limit to what people can say within certain contexts and i tend to draw the line when people start seeing themselves inherently superior over others that's a hell of a slippery slope sure he likes male physique and athleticism and he can be obsessed with that all he wants he can even grade male physique according to what he thinks is best and rate himself on that scale but draw the line there that's all it is a certain level of athleticism it doesn't mean being athletic is better than not being athletic it doesn't mean he has superior genes and it doesn't make you objectively better in any way it doesn't mean that this is the grading scale everyone should use to determine people's worth like he is obviously doing by shaming fat people it's clear to me he is one of those i think this is importance so it should be objectively important and everyone should agree with me kind of a-holes i dealt with them and they're as philosophically inconsistent as they are obnoxious and narcissistic honestly if he can't see how navel-gazy he is being it sure shows he only cares about his physique and hasn't spent in minutes developing his brain as well people like him are impossible to argue with if i were you i'd get the hell away from him updates firstly thank you everyone for your inputs the run comments was pretty brutal but effective i broke off the engagement three days ago via phone call i have not figured out how i will return the ring but thinking by insured mail the call itself wasn't horrible because i think he was in shock but a couple of highlights from the caller i might have lied fine but you're a liar too you lied about loving me not trying to guilt-trip you but you've destroyed me i have nothing now and have no idea what i'm going to do with myself are you seeing someone else you're making a huge mistake all i wanted was to be a good husband to you to ex these comments were hard to hear because my worst fear is that i preemptively cut off a relationship with a man who was going through active change and who loves me dearly but at the end of the day i realized i don't trust that he will change genuinely and i have no idea how to measure that progress since he has proved to hide parts of himself around me he hasn't tried to contact me since i broke things off and i'm grateful for that i think it would make everything so much worse i am grieving such an immense loss which is hard to communicate because others see it as a win by leaving an unhealthy relationship again thanks everyone for the advice take the time to grieve and perhaps schedule an appointment with a licensed therapist you might need to undo some of the work you did with the relationship counselor who clearly didn't have your best interests in mind seconded i hope you see this op grief is normal and hard even when you know it's the right move please take care of yourself big hugs third this and i have broken ties with my own dad and while that had been toxic to me people around me were happy that i finally made the decision etc i still needed the time to digest it a lot and it's hard to show any negative emotions on something you're complimented on for me it was my own dad i share some traits and dna with for you it's someone you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with so please do spare enough time to be sad it is sad therapies are for times like this i think you need to heal you did the right thing but it's traumatic all of those comments he made to you are all centered around him trying to guilt you but none of them ask about your well-being and how he could have done better i know it's hard but you've made the right decision i'm proud of you op exactly opie didn't destroy him or the relationship he did that himself he is a controlling intolerant misogynistic bigot manipulative too bigot i wanted to expand on this based on his comment that he views himself as imperialist and then had the comments that he did not support the racial justice protests because it made america look bad reveals that he never really changed that belief either he obviously holds the belief that the status quo aka white and male power structure in america is superior to other cultures and any attempt to change that by those not in the status quo is not america i would have deep worries for any partner of his especially those that are of a different race than him there are many stories of domestic abuse and murder out there of men especially military men with this belief and his controlling behavior only deepens that fear i really wish men like this came with a warning label on them because he needs dramatic help he wants a wife that he feels fundamentally superior to he sees her as the spoils of war and i'm willing to bet that he believes his status as a member of the military credits him with what he perceives as american superiority and dominance it's such a weird thing for men like me to understand my wife is black and i am white if i ever felt superior to a woman in any way i would have no desire to date or marry her what would be the point that's not love posted by user throw sb with boyfriends titled will my boyfriend 27 male leave me 26 female for my sugar baby past now when i met my boyfriend tom not his real name i had an arrangement with the sugar daddy i never loved that man and i was upfront with tom about my relationship tom wasn't happy about it but i made clear to him that i enjoy the intention i was getting from my arrangements and he accepted it we dated for another half a year and decided i didn't want tom to feel bad about it and i broke up with my sugar daddy we have been together for almost three years now tom was always very shy however recently he became much more confident and outgoing he told me he is hanging out with one of his friends who was a pickup artist i read about them and it seems those people are very manipulative and train themselves how to seduce women i like tom being confident and outgoing but he also started to say many derogatory things about women who sleep arounds i knew that my boyfriend never liked my past arrangements and yesterday we had an argument when he brought it up and said that he should not have dated me he later apologized but i had an anxiety attack and i could not sleep at night i am a pretty girl but now i feel like i'm not enough for tom i love him and wanted to marry but i don't feel secure anymore do you think tom will change his mind edits thank you for all your replies i don't think i am a sex worker i will talk to him in the evening and ask for counselling wait you continued this arrangement whilst dating tom is that right i told him on the third date and he still dated me i didn't know i was that hurtful to him oh come on now you even say in your post you broke up with your sugar daddy because you didn't want tom to feel bad you can't play the i didn't know card the fact you decided to get a sugar daddy in the first place is between you and your conscience it's not up to others to judge what two consenting adults agree upon however you can't pretend you didn't know how disrespectful it was to keep getting paid for whatever simalcrime of a relationship your sugar daddy and you had agreed upon six months into an actual relationship just because you liked the attention it's not to say tom isn't responsible for accepting to date you in the first place and his misogynistic tendencies are only on him of course he let you deepen his insecurities and failed to either communicate with you or stand up for himself you played with him out of convenience for your ego but he let you play with him because of a lack of self-respect or self-awareness if you want things to work out between you i would recommend to seek some professional counselling because there's a lot of resent and misunderstanding between you two and it's starting to bubble up in really bad ways when we dated i didn't see tom as a serious boyfriend only after a few months i noticed how kind he is that's why i broke up with that old man he was never misogynistic before it's only after he met this pickup artist i will ask him about counselling do you think we can still be together he accepted a situation he was unhappy with for six months because he liked you it has to have a cost on his self-esteem he had to live half a year knowing that every time he wasn't up to your standards you had another dude on speed dial who would pay you and give you your dopamine boost for i don't know whatever you agreed to do for to and with him at some point you really need to stop excusing yourself and put yourself in his shoes do you think you would be together today if he had kept a regular butt buddy for the first six months of your relationship always the same one and you would praise her benefits in your presence and he was never misogynistic before the misogyny might be a recent development or might always be lingering just not expressed explicitly the pickup artist merely found an eagle listener in your boyfriend's buried insecurities as this type of person often does and i will ask him about counselling do you think we can still be together maybe i mean it depends on how far deep this rabbit hole he is and if you manage to clear the tacit tension between you for what you said neither of you hurt the other beyond anything unacceptable so it's really a matter if you can forgive yourselves and manage to create healthy ways to communicate with each other updates i talked to tom in the evening and we broke up i still cannot believe it we had a talk yesterday and it went badly i asked tom about our last arguments and he said he wanted to break up last weekend but he knew i would be hurt and he could not make himself too he told me that he felt bad about my arrangements and he always saw it as sex work when we dated he really liked me and enjoyed our time together but now he wants to move on he was sorry for being silent all those years because he wasn't confident enough to break up and he thought he could forget about it eventually i asked him about counseling but he refused he said that he read a lot in the past few weeks and made his mind up already he doesn't think he can move on when i asked if his friend influenced his decision he became very defensive he said that his friend made him a more mature and assertive person he wants to work on himself before he starts dating when i asked if we can date in the future he said he loved me but he cannot consider me a girlfriend anymore he cannot deal with the fact that i had sex with an old man for gifts while i was conventionally dating him he's still angry about it and feels jealous i explained that i was in a bad place in my life he understands but he was also in a bad spot many times and somehow figured things out i said i love him and ensured that my past sugaring arrangement meant nothing for me and i wouldn't do it again he said he values sex very much and it felt very cheap that i shared it with the other person for money he said it still hurts him even after three years tom said i can live in his place for another month and he will help me to find a new place i understand why some people may see it as sex work but for me this arrangement was just a relationship with benefits i may not be the smartest girl but i cannot believe he wants to throw away three years of our relationship and i really feel bad now he said that i am very pretty and i can date other guys but i am crying other guys i dated were jerks and the only serious boyfriend i had in my life hates me i will try to find an older man that can talk to tom and explain that relationships don't have to be perfect we still live together thus he might still change his mind i am really sorry for the pain i caused to him and i don't want us to break up edits i accept i was a sex worker and i hurt tom that was one off and i never cheated on my boyfriend it was two years ago how could i help him added two you people are hateful all messages are just awful i was not serious with that man i was serious with my boyfriend i tried to save our relationship croaky poem says it's over i'm sorry to tell you he has moved on from the sounds of it i'd go after someone else and try to move on as well i would advise opie to try to find and invest her time in a very progressive potential partner a history of prostitution is a deal breaker for the vast majority of people maybe set up an old profile that puts her experience as a sex worker right out in the open to screen out all the people who will have a problem with it from what she wrote the boyfriend is only at the beginning of his pickup artist career he still behaves civil and still gave her time to find her own place if tom is any decent he will soon discover a new world of girls who didn't have this kind of past hell he probably will find prettier girls he's young only 27 years old and he has time on his side i am sure his friend already explained to him that edits i did a bit of pickup artist myself and i saw how it works i.e a nerd becoming a social butterfly in two to three years sorry op i don't think there is anything wrong with you former sex work is unattractive and unfortunately this is the stigma you will carry i see it like a negative one of your hotness because you were not a full-blown escort however it's not the reason to break up especially that tom is already dating you for a long period what really happened is the power imbalance in your relationship i.e when you started dating the power was on your side pretty girl versus shy nerd but now it's your boyfriend who upgraded i.e became more confident and outgoing and he's looking for a better partner assuming this is real your ex is now of the age where he is looking for a long-term partner wife he has known for a while it's not you because you used to be a sex worker and were a sex worker when you were dating him at least at the beginning he decided he does not want to deal with that for the rest of his life that is a reasonable and valid reason to end the relationship sorry but it's over you will need to accept that posted by user gerdy2 titled new boyfriend 22 male very touchy and doesn't understand when i'm 22 female seriously telling him no so my new boyfriend is really great he is super caring and thoughtful and respectful of me please don't read this and think ugh another crappy boyfriend because he's not the kind of guy you think he is just from reading this one issue so we play wrestling stuff which is fun and even when i say no or stop through the laughter he obviously doesn't because i'm just joking around but sometimes when he's being really touchy or cuddly or initiate sex i say no he also doesn't get it i mean he won't force me to do anything but he will just keep trying even after i say no or push him away it's annoying because i'll tell him 10 times and it isn't until i actually have to get a bit mad before he gets it i have sensory issues because of my level 1 mild autism and it's actually extremely overwhelming for me but i try to keep it in because i don't want to offend him i've told him i have sensory issues and that he is overwhelming me but i really don't think he understands because i don't react the way i feel then the other night he started touching me and i tried to get off and say stop and no but it didn't work unfortunately a symptom of mild autism when we are overwhelmed is disassociation i went into a disassociation episode and couldn't get out of it for an hour it was horrible everything looked fake i felt dizzy i felt like i was in a video game nothing felt real to touch i was extremely anxious he was super helpful though and didn't touch me at all and was just talking me through it i was embarrassed but he kept just saying that he's here for me and not to worry but i really just don't think he understood that he caused it i couldn't speak it was such a bad episode i wish i wasn't like this but i am i also feel really bad to tell him that because he was just showing me affection i just don't think he understands edits okay so i understand now that it's not okay and it is intentional i really was feeling guilty before and now i feel a bit valid for having these feelings i also realize now that my nose should be enough they aren't just no's either i see now that i'm communicating properly i say no that's not funny i don't like that don't touch me stop go away please stop now it's not funny anymore and more i do say it more casually at first but eventually i say it with a straight face and very sternly while i push him away i've even said how many times do i have to say no and he said that i'm cute when i'm mad so i think he's doing it on purpose now i know that he understands because if i say no or ow during sex he stops immediately no matter how i say it i will have a talk with him about how i'm just as serious when i see it outside of sexual contact or before sex i think i'll try to do a safe word we have a very jokey relationship so i really don't think this is anything more than miscommunication i'll keep you guys updated thanks and idly browsing says look a lot of people are nice when they're not doing crappy things it doesn't mean their actions are less crappy and it doesn't mean they can use their niceness as an excuse to continue doing crappy things bottom line your boyfriend is not as nice as you think if he can't take no for an answer it's your body your rules so have a serious conversation time tell him he needs to respect your boundaries when you tell him no and he doesn't stop the first time you leave either leave his house or tell him to go home stick to it he should learn after the first couple of times if not he is choosing to distress you and you absolutely should dump him for being a piece of crap for me i think he doesn't understand very much since he sometimes says no jokingly i think they have to sit down and talk deeply about this so that they can both voice out their concerns because they might not be on the same page still and like a user commented they should have a safe word so he can really know when she isn't joking and if he still touches her then we can say he doesn't care about boundaries and is sexually assaulting her this can be summarized quickly into my boyfriend is really great except for when i revoke consent and he continues doing what i don't want him to is he on the spectrum as well either way have a conversation now not in the moment about all of this how if you said no he needs to immediately stop if he doesn't immediately stop and or tries again you need to get out of this relationship it means he's not as great as you think he is good luck climbing in to agree and say that i had an ex like this he seemed wonderful except for the fact i had to constantly reassert that no means no it's not a negotiation we had several talks about the importance of this i dumped him after one day he went too far and sexually assaulted me opie a genuinely great guy does not need consent to be explained to him he'll just get it and hope he replies to the first one he's not on the spectrum no it's very mild and people don't know i have it until i tell them it's just difficult because i know i can be a lot to handle i am very very particular of where i like being touched and when i can be touched and i know it's been frustrating for previous partners it really isn't the same as the neurotypical person who says no to unwanted touch because i wish that i wanted it my mom even had to have a talk with me after she noticed i spotted my ex-boyfriend's hand away after he rubbed my shoulder without thinking it's normally very friendly touches but it's still too much for me sometimes i just wish that i could be okay with him touching me more often no no no this happened to me in high school my then boyfriend wouldn't stop touching me after i told him to stop just normal touches parking in the side arm around the shoulders tiggling things that i told myself were no big deal and if i could just put up with it it would be fine i didn't want to be the girl who freaked out over something so dumb i figured they're just normal parts of being in a relationship and i wanted to be okay with it except that it wasn't dumb the longer he got away with ignoring my no the more he would push my boundaries to the point where he was trying to force me to french kiss him in the hallway every day despite me saying how much i hated how it felt i had multiple friends ask me if i was okay or if i wanted them to punch him and i kept saying i was fine because i wanted it to be fine his excuse for why he didn't stop when i told him to was because i wasn't yelling at him to stop and i looked cute when i was annoyed i would explain in person that i was serious i would text him after that i had been serious about stopping and i even had a friend explain the rules of consent to him but he still wouldn't stop it did not end well and i am glad that i got out of it without getting seriously hurt it wasn't me being difficult he ended up doing some messed up things because he kept pushing my boundaries further and further and i just kept accepting it because well maybe i'm being unreasonable this is not a you problem everyone has ways that they don't like to be touched times they don't want to be touched etc maybe you have more ways and times that you don't like to be touched because of your sensory issues that is perfectly fine you wish you did like to be touched those ways but you can't force yourself to want something it boils down to this the touches make you uncomfortable if this guy is worth being in a relationship with then he does not want to make you uncomfortable he does not want you to have to put up with being uncomfortable it's possible it's a communication issue and he really doesn't know when you want him to stop my advice is to have a safe word for when you're super serious about getting him to stop like any time you say absolutely stop he stops then if he ever keeps going after you've used your safe word you know he isn't worth being in a relationship with because he doesn't care enough about you being comfortable but if he's good about stopping when you want him to maybe you end up being more comfortable with him touching you more often and you won't have to use your safe word because you'll be comfortable knowing he'll stop if you need him to update i decided to have a frank conversation with him about it he took it very well and was very apologetic i just told him that i really need him to listen when i say no and that he should be able to tell the difference between what i'm laughing and we're joking around and when i'm saying it very seriously and pulling away i also said when it comes to sex there was no way i would say no and it means something else only when we play wrestle and stuff he agreed then later in the night we were just making out and stuff and he was trying to have sex but i said no he tried like five other times and i kept saying no and i was pretty upset he didn't get it i said it in complete seriousness but i did go back to kiss him a few more times because i was okay with that i told him my stomach hurts which it did and i was just too tired to enjoy that right now but kissing is fine alright i'm just gonna say a quick trigger warning here if anyone wants to stop reading maybe just skip ahead like 30 seconds i pulled away to get up and he pulled me back and put his hands down my pants so i just disassociated instantly i pulled his hand out and moved away and just waited for it to pass i couldn't really speak to him about it right then because i was disassociated the next morning i brought it up right away and basically said that was messed up and he started getting really ashamed and said that he was just trying to get me horny and he didn't realize that was what i meant i offered the suggestion of a safe word but he said he doesn't want to do that i said it would make me feel more comfortable that i'm not miscommunicating and he said he probably wouldn't have got it last night even if i used one so i said then it's over because that would be assaults he completely changed his mind he's been really apologetic all day and promising it'll never happen again he said he doesn't want to ever make me feel like that again and just feeling super bad about it he literally has been apologizing nonstop and saying that he finally gets it he bought me my favorite meal as an apology lol so i decided to wait on it and see if anything else happens he promises he gets it now so i'll give it one more shot later on we're getting into it and having sex not coerced lol and he says don't ever deny me this again and this is my now and stuff i didn't say anything so he repeated it and was like will you stop me again and that i'm like sometimes yeah if i feel like it and he's like no you won't lol i don't know if he was trying to be hot but yeah i think that's enough red flags for me he's apologizing when you're on the verge of ending it and then going right back to his pushy ways this needs to end he will eventually take advantage of you the no you won't line would have shut the door in it for me please tell me this means you broke up with him i haven't really said anything yet my friends think i should give him one more chance but i don't know he says he was joking about what he said but that's kind of weird to joke about lol one more chance chance to do what take advantage of you holy crap op your friends are either really naive or else they wish you harm he assaulted you with his hand after you said no he then openly admitted he would have assaulted you no matter what you said it's pretty obvious from the latter conversation during sex that he gets off on the idea of power play and non-consent and you being unable to stop him this whole thing is showing a pattern of escalation he's likely to assault you more seriously next time pretending he was joking about assaulting you when you said stop or a safe word who even repeatedly jokes about that bullcrap he walks things back whenever he realizes his red flags are showing but he's getting bolder leave him before it escalates i don't say this lightly posted by user throwaway 180 592 titles my 28 female daughter six months is sick and it's because of my in-laws so i've been stewing on this all day location is australia on tuesday i took my daughter to see her dad we're still together but we live with our own parents due to finances and by default his parents late 40s early 50s and siblings eight male and six female not long after we got there they told us that the kids had been sick would have been nice to have known considering i have a baby well yesterday she starts coughing a bit and is slowly getting more congested i was up all night with her trying to soothe her but she's my first child i had no idea how to help her spoke to the doctor and he seems to think viral infection but if she progresses then i need to get her covered tested spoke to her dad and i apologized for not wanting to take her to visit his parents for a while he was in complete agreement and in his words they screwed up so what i need advice on is how on earth do i move forward with them for the four years we were together before we got pregnant i didn't exist i was only really spoken to after they found out i was pregnant which in itself has been something i've been struggling to let go of i'm just beyond pissed off because they could have rescheduled and my daughter wouldn't be sick i'm stressing because her nose is so blocked that she's struggling to breathe she doesn't want her bottles and isn't keeping everything down thank you in advance edits for extra info that answers a lot of comments 1. i am completely aware that babies get sick yes it's a part of life and i'll take it as it comes my whole point was this was completely unavoidable and i don't know whether they didn't think much of it because they've had four kids or if they were being selfish two after reading the comments i realized that i should also be pissed off at my significant other considering he lives with them 3. he doesn't really talk to them because of his upbringing with them let's just say they're not the nicest parents he does pay rent and lives with them out of convenience 4. by no means am i comparing my daughter having a cold to his parents losing a baby to sids my whole point there was that his daughter is still at risk of dying from that i'll be at low odds it just disappoints me that they could be so reckless with her health and 5 i appreciate every single comment even the ones i don't agree with or upset me and most of all i appreciate all of the advice on how to help my daughter get better i'm sorry for not being able to reply to everyone i'm super exhausted i will try to over the next few days i'm going to leave it to him to talk with his parents and if he doesn't i'll be even more pissed at him and couples counselling will happen either way his parents are going to know that if the kids are sick we won't visit and it works both ways if my daughter is sick we still won't be visiting thank you all again queen friggs says avoid all outings child care school and you going back to work honestly kids do get colds easily as everything goes straight to their mouth yes they should have told you before you arrived but how did your partner not know his siblings were sick it's going to be a hard few nights just make sure you sleep during the day and showers together will help clear the snot out of bubby's nose endop replies oh i mean i get that she's gonna get sick my whole thing was how do i move forward with them he doesn't really interact with his family he goes to work comes home and maybe eats but mostly goes to bed or he'll be at my house he found out when i found out thank you for the last paragraph too it's just awful i feel so bad for her and i'm trying my best to help her through it and he doesn't really interact with his family that's a problem you two aren't even in a romantic relationship any longer he really needs to be the one to deal with his family he needs to be setting these boundaries with them if he cannot perform basic social functions with people he lives with maybe you should look to amend your custody arrangements his daughter's well-being depends on the functioning of all relationships in the place she lives um so we're still together but we don't live together and i totally agree with setting the boundaries i'm leaving it up to him to talk to his parents but if he doesn't i will i don't want a precedent to be said some people just don't get it lots really unless they haven't had a high-risk kid if it's not a first offense with them i'd start getting boundary ideas from just no mother-in-law family etc subs i have family that never cared to share that info but they also feed their kids party pies and sausage rolls for breakfast most days well the kicker is they lost their second kid to sudden infant death syndrome it is their first offense which is why i don't know where to go from here i did tell her dad that he has to deal with it because it's his parents and if it were my family i would have ass blasted them into the next century i've posted on the mother-in-law sub before so i might just go ahead and do it again thank you again for responding i really appreciate it i'll say that many people accept children's colds as a part of life so they'd cancel for things like a fever or vomiting but not at colds basically if they could send this kid to school they just won't worry about it now with the pandemic as a possibility we all need to be more strict than that but if there's not a community spread where you're living they may not see that as necessary i would just say something like we would really appreciate it if you would let us know ahead of a visit if anyone has been sick but continue to limit visits on your own while pandemic is a oh possibility sure i totally agree and i think with her being so young is why i'm so annoyed i do like that so i think i may send that thank you for your input the smartest man i knew said the following to me when my first child was born congratulations you're going to be sick for the next 21 years and it's true kids are like breeding grounds of disease they get sick all the time and give it to everyone they come in contact with including you don't be too hard on your in-laws take a temperature regularly make sure it's safe if it spikes virus or no go to the hospital immediately a temperature 104 degrees plus fahrenheit or 40 celsius is very dangerous use the little suction thing to keep her nose clear there is special electrolyte fluid you should be able to get to give your child if she can't keep formula down thank you for your help with this part i wasn't told much by the doctor and you guys have helped me heaps with how to help her i guess i'm frustrated with them because they've lost a baby to sids and it seems so reckless that they were okay with my daughter possibly getting sick because she's so young is what stresses me get used to hearing it's viral in regards to childhood illnesses your baby will be sprouting horns belching flames talking latin backwards and have its head twist around while levitating above its crib you'll take it to the doctor and he'll say um it's viral it's viral is doctor speak for screwdivino updates so first i just want to say thank you to everyone's replies i did answer further questions in the post because there were a lot of comments and my daughter is still sick my significant other spoke to his parents they showed no remorse they didn't care too much that she was sick then his mum decided she's not buying my daughter toys for christmas because she has too many i don't give a flying f if she gets her toys or anything for that matter and then showed him the present that he's gonna get her which is a trolley type thing because i don't want to walker i believe they're dangerous what works for other parents may not work for us and she also had something snarky to say about me not wanting the walker guys for years i tried to have a relationship with these people then they found out i was pregnant and all of a sudden i existed i tried so hard after she was born there were so many instances of disrespect that i let slide but the moment she decided to criticize my parenting is where i drew the line my significant other will be coming home to me from now on while working on saving to get the hell out my parents have been fantastic with my daughter and i living with them and for those who didn't understand him not knowing his siblings was sick he doesn't interact with his family because his parents don't respect him as a parent or a person so again thank you for all your replies it helped a lot and baby is on the mend she's still not great but she's getting there and all the advice that was given about her has helped heaps sebamek says wow your daughter definitely does not deserve to have such awful people in her life look at how they treated you before versus when you had your baby they are just completely selfish people i could never imagine going to see an infant knowing i had just been around someone sick especially with what's going on around the world right now and they don't even care i just would not even want to have a relationship with them at all i would tell my partner that your parents you can talk to them deal with them but i don't want to talk to them or see them again that's pretty much what's happening and they have christmas on christmas eve so i'll go there as late as i can so i don't have to stay long because i'll have to take my daughter home i still will go to christmas but purely for his siblings other than that they don't get to see her because i'm the only one that can drive her because i have the license i'm literally the one who organizes them seeing her well no more good for you stand your ground on the walker too they're illegal in canada for a reason studies have shown they greatly hinder a child's development aside from how incredibly dangerous they are exactly and like i said we have stairs plus we have dogs and one is blind and deaf because he's 19 years old my daughter can learn how to walk without one my daughter had hip dysplasia and i had to talk my mom out of a walker a few times she's one now and walking not to mention all babies learn at different times why rush it do what's best for your baby and remind them they are not the parents jesus i'm sorry that your mum was trying to go against you she already has an activity center that she stands in anyways i think it's more that my mom is old so she forgets most conversations we have okay so that's completely different posted by user throwaway no college01 titled mum had an affair 18 years ago i 18 male and the product of it my dad just informed me of all of this and told me he will not pay for my college while my siblings got their college experience paid by our dad pretty much the title i have no idea how to process all this and i am completely unprepared for what lies ahead both my older brother and sister went to the same college my brother graduated two years ago my sister was set to graduate in two years both had their college paid by our dad dad paid all their college expenses including rent food their cars pocket money you name it my brother has a job now his own place lives together with his fiancee and has his life together my sister already has a good paying job and my dad still pays for almost everything for her i got accepted to the same college which was always the plan and is looking forward to talk to my parents about the next steps and ask them to help me the same they did for my siblings i always assumed they had money put aside for college the way they had for my siblings instead i was met with a story about my mum's cheating how i am the result of her cheating and how my dad is not willing to support me anymore moving forward dad told me that mum had 18 years to let me know and prepare me for the future but obviously he never did he said it was never his place to say anything since i am not his son and didn't want to interfere with mum's parenting apparently my grandparents know i am not dad's biological son but they haven't bothered to tell me anything either my siblings had no idea and they are as surprised as i am because there was never a hint of anything being off i might be naive but i always thought i had a great relationship with my dad we go to see sports together we go fishing together he tutored me when i had difficulties with math dad is an engineer he taught me to drive i never got a hint he stores resentment towards me i mean he gave me my name and has explained what my name means and he was very proud of it it's a story he tells from time to time he likes to talk about stuff like that about me my mum has never said a word about anything and apparently she was supposed to have the talk with me but she never did i feel abandoned and unprepared for what lies ahead i'm not even sure i will be able to go to college anymore i always assumed my parents will pay for it i never had a job and i'm not sure what job i can even get to support me through college i have no idea how to apply for loans all my mom has done is cry and apologize but nothing of substance she has no idea how to help me i don't even know if i'm welcomed home anymore it's all up in the air i feel shame leaving my room and if i will be asked to move out i don't know where to go i don't have any savings maybe four hundred dollars put together i am angry at my mum i am confused about where i stand with my dad there's a man out there who is my father that never wanted to have anything to do with me i feel rejected and i have no idea what to do to fix this situation anyone have any idea what to do here do i apologize to my dad what do i say to him i don't know i've been stuck in my room these past few days reading and browsing reddit i have no idea what to do also if he truly will not help apply for emancipation that way you will qualify for grants and financial aid and also explain your situation to the college and university i ran away from home when i was 16 because it was either run away or get beaten to death i explained my situation to the university i applied to and they helped me out my tuition was covered by financial aid and grants and i worked while going to school to cover living expenses i was able to graduate debt-free talk to them they might be able to help also not sure if other areas are like this but in california you can go to community college with a guaranteed transfer to a university after two years community college is dirt cheap and in-state schooling is definitely manageable with a part-time job and the basic financial aid and loans and when you apply for a job they won't even have to know you went through that route you can just say you graduated from ex university i had a friend with something similar due to a divorce parents didn't have college money he graduated in six years with this route due to part-time school and work but now makes decent money in it just out of curiosity did they ever get a genetic test do they know 100 that he's not your father i don't know but dad seemed pretty sure of it and by how my mom reacted and reacts right now i suppose they know it to be true for sure i would push for a test anyway to be honest seriously get that dna test if your parents won't help you with doing their own ask your siblings the devastation will be reinforced substantially if the original theory gets proven but yep sounds like the safe option if the test proves they were related all along if anything it works out even worse mother's secret is out father was willing to disown the sun at the drop of a hat no happy families after this one either way at least if it was an affair there was some meaning to the fallouts you need to give your siblings a call and tell us what they said i only talked to them about me not being dad's natural son they don't know about the college thing yet they are each out of town for a few more days we'll talk with them when they come back definitely tell them the whole story and don't be afraid to ask them for help in getting it set up as an independent adult hopefully they will be your biggest supports in all of this and frankly help to guilt opie's parents into not being crap stains absolutely this if i was the older brother and completely out of my own upon hearing this story i'd go no contact with the dad for the rest of my life as long as he stuck with it i disinvite him from my wedding i tell him he will never meet his grandkids i'd tell him that the type of person who waits 18 years to stick it to my mum over something and chooses to pull the rug out from under my brother in the process is not someone i want to know anymore the two siblings are the most important chess pieces here and they need to go on a shame offensive update sorry to disappear nothing bad happened to me managed to talk with my mom yesterday but i chickened out halfway through what i had to say the good news is that i'm not being kicked out or disowned etc thank you for all your support everyone i will follow through and call financial aid at my college in a few hours and take it from there my grandpa had a stroke a week ago and my dad is helping my grandma with setting up a live-in nurse so he wasn't around yesterday i will let you know how i manage thank you again update 2 sorry for not updating my grandpa passed away yesterday morning nothing happened to me but my situation is a secondary concern right now regardless i think i will be alright thanks to your amazing supports and help my sister is aware of everything and told me not to worry she has my back and i have her support i promise to update when and if there are any significant changes right now i need to support my grandma thank you again to everyone updates the reaction to my original post put an uncomfortable amount of pressure on me to write this update i am not sure if it's what you want to hear but things are more or less back to a normal state if you consider other events unfortunately my grandpa died at the beginning of this week and i am still processing it i did manage to talk with both my mom and dad and i know where i now stand in relation with them as well as my siblings i am not sure i would have had the courage to say what i had to say if not for the amount of help and advice in the comments i think it is safe to say both my parents love me and what happened two weeks ago was an overreaction to a fight between my parents it makes me uncomfortable knowing i am not aware of my own environments but a stranger in the comments can tell me what's happening in my life with only a few lines of texts from my side a lot of comments were spot on about what is happening in my life i have so far went through 40 percent i estimate of the comments but i have given up there are too many for me to keep up with the conclusion is that i am definitely going to college it will be the college i have always wanted to go to and i will have the same experience as my siblings the money to pay for all of this already exists my family is not going bankrupt as suggested my dad just had a mental breakup with all these issues around my grandpa and his fight with my mom even if my dad would have went through with his decision my grandma let me know my grandpa left me and my siblings as some we will have to split between the three of us but enough to put through college what started the entire scandal was poor timing on my parts my parents just had a fight and then i showed up saying hey pay for my college my parents were talking about us their children and mum said something to the lines of to think you wanted to split up when i came back pregnant or something like that i was not there this is what she told me i guess dad was talking about how proud he was of his children and mom wanted to express her gratitude for dad raising me as his own and dad took it as the affair was the best decision i ever made or something like that and their fight escalated from there and mom told dad something like what makes you think any of them are yours yeah it went downhill from there fast shortly after that my dumb face showed up and here i am dad and mum have since made up mom is still a mess dad is not handling my grandpa's passing away too well either i did talk with my siblings and my sister raised his storm and wrote it here while blasting my parents on the phone my brother was karma but made his feelings known in no uncertain terms as well once he got back home my grandpa passing away sort of kept spirits calm i guess and shifted the focus to dealing with that reading the comments was a mind-opening experience i felt unprepared for the world out there many have asked how i had no idea how to apply for loans or grants well in my defense when you go year after year after year knowing you have nothing to worry about that your college is as good as paid for already you don't really have to worry about anything else of course i knew there were loans and other things students have to be aware of but it didn't apply to me i went from i'm going to college can't wait to you're not my son and i will not pay for your college in less than 24 hours others have been prepared for this at the very least they knew they had to get alone or get a job look for a place to live and so on for me it was a sudden change in reality going through the comments i managed to put all this together with various tips and tricks what jobs are available for students how to find a place to live how to get a credit card a bank account a cell phone plan and so on really good stuff that i think even after the return to normal will help me my parents have been called more names than they go by and that was uncomfortable to read and i haven't even read all the comments i can't even imagine what else lies in the comments waiting dad is very sorry apologetic about his reaction and behavior i understand his reaction but i still feel hurt by it i understand he was not in the best place of minds but i can't control my feelings either we will be all right and this hasn't irreparably damaged our relationship mum hasn't handled everything that well but she is coming around and she answered some more questions for me when mum had an affair years ago and got pregnant with me my parents started divorce mum moved in with the man she had the affair with but after a few months that guy decided he wanted nothing to do with it he kicked mum out and she had nowhere to go so my grandparents took her in because she was still the mother of their grandkids i'm getting a lot of heat for this mistake but i know in my family's culture grandparents call their grandkids nephews as well mum and dad got back together after a lot of work dad took me as his own and that's my life since then the man who is my natural father is not in the picture anymore dad didn't really know who he is and mum hasn't heard or seen him ever since he was fully aware my mom was pregnant with his child i guess he had more important things to do but it doesn't sound like he was able to cure world hunger she met him in a bar not at a fundraiser and i don't feel a need to know any more about who he is i thought about the matter the last two weeks since i've been aware of everything and haven't really felt a desire to know who he is where he is if he is still alive and if i have other siblings out there i was suggested to go buy a dna kid from 23 and me maybe i can find him that way but i think i will avoid doing this specifically so i don't find him or he finds me as far as i care i have a mom and dad and a brother and a sister and that's my family moving forward i do plan on getting a job and becoming more independent but not in an attempt to distance myself from my family but to feel like i would not be lost in the world if my family suddenly disappears my mom admits i've been babied way more than my siblings and that they should have prepared me more for what's coming next i did learn where i stand with my family and it's safe to say that i am loved and i have options i thought i am isolated but my world is wider than i thought grandparents siblings my aunts my cousins all have my back i think my parents are human and they make mistakes and even though that was not their greatest moments i think i will look at everything as nothing more than a weak moment in an otherwise wonderful relationship thank you sorry about your grandpa but i'm relieved it ended on a good note it looks like you've already sorted out how you are going to deal with this from here thanks for the updates and good luck yeah he definitely made a good choice to not distance himself from family and to become more independent despite the small blemishes they have treated him well sometimes your real father to you is not your real father i just want to say my sister raised a storm and wrote it here is an amazing turn of phrase that and my parents have been called more names than they go by my two favorite expressions in this post those are really great turns of phrase i'm really happy things have worked out for you i think the reason so many people knew what was going on with your parents is because so many commenters are older and have more life experience it's not that you had no idea what was going on in your home people behave pretty predictably and so your dad's actions were less for mystery to other editors in 15 years you'll have the same benefits of experience you already have more than you did a month ago this is very very very true i will also add it's pretty much always easier to have more clarity of vision from the outside looking in than from within the situation itself don't get too down on yourself for that op another way to look at what happened as well you got to learn about a bunch of new life skills and such without the added stress and burden of having to truly figure them all out right now on your own that's a nice upside op glad to hear this worked out sometimes people say mean things on reddit but at the end of the day lots of people are just trying to get through life the best they can posted by user an orange horse titled my friend is about to ask his girlfriend to marry her and i'm the only one who knows how unfaithful she is do i say anything so i'm not sure if this belongs in this sub because it isn't my relationship i'm asking for advice about if not apologies so my good friend aaron and his girlfriend mary have been together for almost seven years they met in college and are in a very close relationship personally i would call them extremely codependent neither of them really have any friends aside from each other she doesn't let him have guy friends in fact she doesn't let him do a lot of things he's not allowed to go out past 11 not allowed to drink or smoke she has to approve all of his friends and he's not allowed to be alone with other girls she's got this guy on a tight leash the reason why they're still together is that aaron is completely whipped and to him she can do no wrong he talks regularly about how amazed he is that she still finds him attractive he's a decent looking guy but she's like super model level good looking they post cutesy couple photos every day i'm pretty sure she makes him post them and to everyone who sees them they appear to be the perfect magical fairy tale couple anyway a few weeks ago he told my boyfriend and i that he was planning on proposing to mary of course we congratulated him because he seemed super excited now here is the issue a few weeks prior to this i hung out with a friend of mary called alison allison told me about a party they went to where mary got drunk and slept with her ex after the party they began hooking up regularly and she had a threesome with him and a friend of his aaron has no knowledge of these hookups i told my boyfriend about it because he shares my friendship with both of them and he believes that we need to say something but i'm not so sure how to even go about that it will destroy him ruin their entire relationship and maybe a friendship as well however i think in the long term he will be unhappy with a marriage where she is so controlling not even that but if she is completely okay with cheating on her long-term partner it will be the same once they are married is telling him the right thing to do edit to clarify the cheating has not been going on for six years as far as i'm aware and the hookups occurred recently added too some of the commenters are calling me a bad friend for not telling him immediately after giving it some thought and reading the comments i have decided to tell him as soon as i can most likely tonight if he's free to hang out to those saying i'm being a bad friend for waiting this is a huge deal and it will greatly affect the future of aaron and i want to make sure that i break the news in the correct way this man is blinded by love he's not going to be expecting this news at all and his whole life is about to change i'm definitely not going to do nothing because he deserves much better than this woman and he deserves to know the truth about what he's getting into if she still decides to marry her i'm expecting a full-blown crap storm i'm expecting him to be hurt angry in disbelief i don't believe it's wrong that i'm asking for a bit of advice on how to approach this should i have told him sooner maybe but what difference would a few weeks make for all those asking i'll post an update when i do it edit three i've talked to aaron since i'd posted this he's coming over tonight to talk and hang out my boyfriend and i are going to tell him together because he knows the situation as well a few of you have suggested i talk to mary first to give her a chance to come clean while that is a good idea i'm not as close to her as i am to aaron and i don't see that going over well i would much rather tell him and leave it to him to decide what to do from there and edit 4 new information has been received from the third party friend alison she has sent me screenshots of texts that do prove mary has been involved with her ex they send messages regularly and he has sent her nudes edit five lamell i'll just mention that aaron just got to our house 8 p.m est we'll update later if i can thank you all so much for the kind messages and helping me work through this hot mess outs i have been stressing about this all day but i believe i am doing the right thing and telling him edit six quick little edits 11 o'clock est we all talked for a good bit i told him what i heard from allison and it went better than expected but he was still pretty mad and upset we are all just chilling and drinking now i'll post the whole story tomorrow thanks again for all the replies updates so i got lots of feedback on what to do here a good majority of the commenters told me to say something to clarify it may not have been clear in the op but i was never planning on doing nothing of course you've got to tell your bro if they're being cheated on i was just not sure how to approach the situation some of the commenters gave me some very helpful advice some of you told me to talk to the girlfriend first some of you told me to wait some told me to gather a bunch of evidence first which i ended up getting from allison the third party friends some of you guys got angry with me for not telling him sooner told me i was a bad friend some were sure he wouldn't believe me some predicted the girlfriend would deny it all well all of you were somehow right here is how it went down i messaged allison early on in the day shortly after i made the post because typing it all out brought my guilt and apprehension from the situation to the surface i said to allison that i needed to tell aaron and asked whether or not she had proof this is when she sent me the screenshots of the text messages aaron came over at around eight and what was great was that alison came over too we all sat down and talked for a bit and we all told him our suspicions about mary alison showed him the text screenshots of mary talking to her ex and also told aaron all the stories she had shared about her sexual encounters what was the most surprising was his reaction he took it very well he first got very quiet and just nodded aaron ended up telling us that he had a sneaking suspicion that something was going on he was not aware of the hookups but he and mary had gotten into fights before over the fact that she doesn't allow him near any other girls but she goes out and flirts with guys all the time he told us that she had been distant lately and would leave rather often without telling him where she was going there were a few other small things he mentioned that told us he was just generally unhappy with his relationship he knew in his gut something was wrong but wanted to believe it wasn't true we started unwinding with some alcohol after that and it all got way more emotional he cried talking about how he felt stupid for not seeing it sooner how he really loved her and would have given her anything then he got angry at her and even more so at the guy some unpleasant and derogatory terms were used to describe her ultimately he told us that he's going to be breaking it off at least for now we told him a million times how much better he deserved he is definitely not going to marry her thanks again for all the supportive words and advice we saved a good man from heartbreak you did well opie hopefully mary doesn't try to manipulate him or convince him to stay people like mary have a knack for that keep by his side and make sure he has people to stand up to her with him the more help he can get through this also try and have him break things off of a text or in public mary seems like the type to react very badly agreed here i was in a manipulative relationship where the girlfriends took advantage of my inexperience and steady paycheck to feed her validation thankfully my tolerance meter is quite low as it is so this only lasted three months however the psychological damage was already done and it took me years to fully come to terms with this situation the part that i'm still not able to shake off is how there were plenty of friends around me at the time who just let me stay in that disaster relationship without ever once stepping in to tell me to wake up i am forever grateful to the real friends who did exactly that two of whom were groomsmen at my wedding here here for great friends who really care about their own posted by user throw away my spermozoa titled wife female33 and i male 34 decided to try for kids last year found out i'm completely infertile without surgery five months later she got pregnant i literally do not know what to do this is long my wife and i have been married for three years together for six she's always been one of the most amazing people i've ever met no huge fights love languages match up and we're both fairly active people which has been why we've always had a really strong relationship for so long that's why this is so difficult for me we've both been doing pretty well in our careers the last few years she's in marketing and i work independently as an it consultant allowing me to set my own hours and be pretty flexible we decided last year that we wanted to start a family her most likely keeping her full-time job and me scaling back to part-time we've both been anxious but pretty excited to have our own kids long story shorts i was diagnosed with azuspermia last december blockage in the pipes just meant i wasn't actually producing any sperm when ejaculating it's curable with surgery thankfully and we finally got it scheduled this july she's got a high sex drive as do i so we've still been very sexually active but there should have been no way i could have gotten her pregnant she missed her period this week i couldn't imagine that she might actually be pregnant right the babies are bottled in until they get the blockage out she took three tests though and sure enough they're all positive at first i was stunned because this shouldn't be possible she's never been unfaithful to me in the past and never given me a reason not to trust her i'm not the jealous type but i'm literally stuck the doctor said this couldn't happen and i just can't believe my wife would jeopardize the future we've been so excited for over some fling when we seem to have such a great emotional and physical connection my wife's been ecstatic she's given no indication of any guilt or worry that she may have cheated she was so excited when she first found out that i didn't express my worries then but she left for work and now i feel completely torn what if she did cheat looking back now there's a few tiny things that didn't seem to be an issue but now have me racking my brain for clues her job often has her taking clients out for dinner and it's not uncommon for her to get back later in the evening she definitely had a busy last few months but that's not uncommon for her job she always wears one of the same two perfumes but she came back one night smelling completely different i remember seeing a text message on her lock screen of just a winky face a different time but assumed it was one of her girlfriends f man i don't know what to do i set up an appointment on monday to see if there's any chance it could be mine if it is mine and i accuse her of cheating i feel like the world's biggest a-hole but she's coming home in a few hours and i don't know what i'm going to say to her i can't stop thinking of these small things that may have been her cheating and i just didn't see it do i wait until the doctor's appointment monday before talking to her or do i bring up these insecurities while she's celebrating the pregnancy i'm worried that i won't be able to hide what's going on edits i should add that i've been cheated on before our relationship has been pretty healthy but that old fear is creeping back in now i'm not sure how to just wait until the appointments edit i really hope y'all are right that some freak sperm made it past my wife's coming home though in an hour and i have to decide if i'm going to put on a happy face until monday or not edits she texted saying she's going to be home late this is bringing up some old emotional scars i think and is just effing with me i'm usually never this insecure or uncertain about being straightforward i think i need to just find some way to bring it up without being accusatory i'd say you should wait for the appointment biology can surprise us sometimes but prepare for the worst case scenario should i take her with me to it i'm weighing the choices between that and going alone i'm going to have to bring it up anyways there's no way i can hide this when she gets back don't bring her with you you don't know what the doctor might say if the news is good congratulations my man if the news is bad just take some air and be as calm as possible i literally just studied this okay so although you've been diagnosed with azuspermia it means that when they looked at your semen in the lab it didn't have any sperm in it however you produce a lot of semen and the lab only looks at a tiny fraction of it which usually gives a good response usually you would repeat several times before concluding its azuspermia although just because the lab didn't see any sperm it can just mean that you had an incredibly low counts so none of their samples from the sample you have showed any this doesn't necessarily mean that for example in a normal ejaculation a normal guy would have 30 to 900 million sperm which is usually about 15 million per milliliter it's possible you have maybe even 1 000 sperm per milliliter and would still be diagnosed with azuspermia as it would not be expected that the likelihood of getting pregnant at the right time with only 1 000 sperm would be probable but it can happen even if you only had one sperm per milliliter of ejaculate you could still get her pregnant but you would definitely never find that one sperm as a biomedical scientist in a lab good luck and happy fatherhood f i hope you're right i don't remember exactly what they said but are there any forms that would have a complete lack of sperm counts they seemed to be convinced it was completely blocked off but this was all months ago i don't remember exactly what they said my mom had her tubes tied twice and got pregnant again after each time her doctors told her both times there was no way she'd get pregnant again doctors are sometimes wrong i have two little sisters to show for it updates first i just want to thank everyone who reached out and offered their story about similar i can't believe how many people are told that they're completely sterile and end up being able to have kids anyway i took a lot of what you guys said to heart i had an ex of mine from years ago end up cheating on me and it really left a scar for a while it wasn't until i got a lot more involved with sports and getting in better shape that i was able to try and move on my wife and i actually met in a soccer league we were in together we've had so much trust for so long that i thought those fears had gone away it wasn't until now that i really started to feel shaken like that again but i didn't want to let my past get in the way of what could be just a huge blessing a few people really articulated the right way to communicate my feelings in a way that wasn't accusatory and respectful of my wife who's never really given me a reason to doubt her it's not uncommon for her to sometimes be home late and she'll usually like to go straight to bed i didn't want to dump this on her immediately and i decided to give myself a night to sleep on it i got up pretty early just being restless went for a run and cleared my mind i couldn't wait any longer i made our favorite omelets and told her i needed to talk about something you know i'm not ashley wright she knows me well ashley's my ex who cheated so first i apologized i apologized because i let this build up in my head for so long without talking about it with her sooner what should be blessing has been nothing but insecurity and fear for me we talked for a while i told her how happy it made me to see her ecstatic and excited for the baby i told her how much i loved the relationship that we've built together and i feel like an a-hole for questioning her loyalty she had never given me a reason to not trust her and that i still couldn't emotionally get over the thoughts of infidelity because of my ex she thanked me for telling her and she knew how hard it was for me to get over that she volunteered to get us a paternity test right when he or she is born which made me feel a lot better at first but something still felt off i honestly don't know why something about how she was so eager to get a paternity test and almost not mad at me at all for having kept this from her normally she would have been upset that i didn't bring it up right away but there was just a weird feeling i couldn't shake for the rest of the day it seemed like she was saying all the right things but i couldn't get rid of this clawing feeling inside of my head maybe i'm just being paranoid maybe there's a gut feeling that i need to listen to but i ended up going to the appointment alone as we decided it would be good to see if i still needed the surgery turns out it's obstructive azuspermia i've read so many stories about people who were supposed to be infertile end up getting pregnant so i brought that up and how my wife's pregnancy was affecting me the urologist thought it would be pretty unlikely that i wouldn't need surgery to have a kid with how mine was presenting itself he mainly tried to skirt around the topic and mostly pushed me towards making sure she was actually pregnant being there didn't really help i feel like i just got more uncertainty she had another night being out to 8 30 last night we talked about scheduling an appointment to verify the pregnancy when she got home she seemed a little confused but then quickly agreed she promised to do it in the morning i asked how work had gone and she gave me a kind of non-committal answer about her boss pushing her too much and being stressed out there's nothing huge there but she just seemed off i really couldn't put my finger on it we were still acting all lovey-dovey but something just felt wrong and i couldn't talk about it without repeating the same conversation we had sunday i've been trying to throw myself into work to distract myself but i haven't been able to focus we have a joint checking account that we'll sometimes move money in and out of but really only use it for groceries or household items unless we talk about it beforehand this morning she moved half of it to hers about 1 700 we don't do that she's never needed to before and i checked our health care portal and she made the appointment for the one time thursday that i mentioned i was busy working on sites we were supposed to go together i'm starting to go crazy how do i bring this up that isn't just me having the same conversation again i'm looking into getting a second opinion for myself but i need a litmus test from objective outsiders to know if i'm really losing it or if this seems weird to someone else updates i've been trying to send to myself we talked calmly for a bit on the phone she claimed she moved the money out in anticipation for the deductible payments that she'll have with different visits i didn't bring up anything else but she seemed a little impatient with me probably rightly so and implied we'd have a longer talk when she gets home i'm trying to not overreact right now i don't know what to think this is either a misunderstanding on my side and i'm a father or not thankfully she's not working late today thank you those who are trying to keep me grounded updates i went for a long run to clear my mind got a shower and then my wife should be home i'm going to go into the conversation with no judgment just objectively walk out the facts and why i've still been struggling personally with some of them regardless of what happens i'm done with any confusion left between us thanks to those who messaged me and gave me advice there is a paternity test called non-invasive prenatal paternity nip that can check paternity before the baby is born it includes taking your wife's blood fetal dna can be separated and tested and your blood she can get her blood taken first and then you could go a little later you don't have to have it done at the same time i only thought of this because it cost around one thousand seven hundred dollars to get it done this is what i thought of that they could get the nip test now and maybe she moved the money for the test but it's suspicious she's not telling him and booking an appointment without his involvements it's stacking up against her favor i hate to be that optimistic person because things are starting to look bad here but what if that time slot was the only one the doctors had booking within a week at my ob if it wasn't an emergency was basically impossible the moving money is scary though maybe she wants to get the paternity test out of the way since her husband is acting weird i hope this guy has a good outcome the trouble is that she's not communicating any of this to him there is no way i would not tell my husband if i needed 1 700 for something unless i was trying to hide something as well as scheduling an appointment that we both were to go to together as soon as i made the appointment i would have told him sad to say this isn't looking good but i too hope this has a better outcome than what it looks like quote this morning she moved half of it to hers about we don't do that she's never needed two before everything else could just be your own anxiety but this is something concrete what's confusing to me is why you were stressing about bringing this up without being the same conversation when the money thing is clearly a different conversation how come you've moved half of the joint account to your own account a perfectly simple question that should have a perfectly simple answer and there is zero reason not to just ask that question edits as this blew up another question namely why not tell you about it beforehand because she must know that you'd notice it and she must know that you'd have some questions this isn't a few dollars going missing it's half the account which is suspiciously precise and surely significant that she'd move it knowing you'd spot it but not give you a heads up regardless knowing you'd wonder what was up you got any sick time call in sick the day of the appointment and go anyway she technically already kind of agreed to go together so make it so she can't argue with that i wouldn't want to surprise her but i think i might wait until she's home and mention that i can take off and see what she says solid plan honestly i hope it ends up being just a misunderstanding for your sake but it's better to be sure and it's not as though you were being unreasonable thank you i'm trying to get all my uncertainty out here to make sure i don't act just on fear i'm a little uneasy how popular the post got though even though she rarely uses reddits i'll probably have to take this down eventually don't say i can take off say i took off you scheduled it during the time i mentioned i was busy no big deal you probably forgot you did mention you were stressed i'll be able to be there with you like we wanted then watch how she takes what should be an act of kindness if she stammers stutters or tries to backtrack you have your answer i mean what pregnant wife would be so against her husband taking off to accompany them to a doctor's appointments one who is hiding something happy update i'm sorry to drag y'all through the worst of my insecurities i definitely channeled quite a bit of my negative crap into whatever i posted but hey that's what anonymous people are good for sometimes i guess anyways we finally sat down after she got home last night i told her everything that was going on the urologist the money the upcoming appointments i told her how even with all her reassurances too many suspect things kept happening she agreed how everything looked and immediately apologized she didn't realize how much my last ex's cheating was still affecting me she knew i was off going into the weekend but thought we addressed that we talked about it sunday but i can get pretty internal with all these worries and not show them outwardly and so while she had thought we were communicating i wasn't we decided to start from the beginning and go through everything together the money was the real problem for me she agreed with how inconsiderate it was with where my head was at to do that without mentioning it apparently the prenatal visits are so structured that they want you to set up a payment plan with them right away and she wanted to make sure it was squared away to keep the appointments she offered without me prompting to call them with me tomorrow to verify that or if i really wanted we could move the money back she does get better rewards out of hers so it kind of makes sense we read up on obstructive azuspermia and it doesn't seem like they're often invincible force fields it seems like the only actual absence of the vas deferens cbavd actually guarantees complete infertility so it is possible for some to get through we are going to go back to the original specialist i was working with last year and hopefully get a clearer picture it turns out the appointment she made was the only time they had available so soon and figured it'd be best not to wait i told her i took off work to go with and she was relieved i could join once again she said all the right things and seems genuine about getting us on the same page after going through each thing i was just wishing i believed her a little more before she's stressed out with work and when she'll have to take off but she really seemed to want to go out of her way to alleviate my concerns she even offered an open phone policy if i needed we did look at that text i had seen and it was just a girlfriend i declined though right now since i don't want to be that husband this has really made me take a deeper look at what's in my past and how that still affects me today even thinking back to this weekend it was so hard to see in the moment how much all the uncertainty was affecting me that level of anxiety literally makes you question what around you is real i think the trust but verify is the best way to put it i was just trying to verify without any of the trust at all this has all put a strain on our marriage right now but i'm feeling a bit more like we're a team again working towards easing that she thought that an nipp asap was a great idea as long as we also get some kind of counselling together i'm not big on therapy but i can probably agree that it will most likely help i'm feeling a little better about everything thanks again to everyone who reached out and shared their own story every other comment here i read was a story of a family member who was supposed to be barren and ended up popping out triplets and most of all those who helped me try to communicate fairly through all of this it's time for me to hopefully be a father updates the paternity test came back initially positive for anyone that's going to see this smiley face trailmix says dude therapy can be a great way to work through things in a safe environment i know you're not big on therapy but it won't be like you see on tv it's a place where you can talk with someone who knows what they are doing and they can help you work through these problems depending on what kind of therapy you do they can even provide you with practical tools you can use in the moment when you are feeling that anxiety to help alleviate it cognitive behavioral therapy my favorite cbt is probably the most common type of therapy for anxiety and it will absolutely give you tools to use in the moments consider a therapist that specializes in that acceptance and commitment therapy is also an excellent choice if it works with you and i find the less structured method of it much more accommodating for most people another thing to consider as i know it's big among a lot of the male population going to therapy doesn't mean you are less of a man or masculine in any way it's like getting a financial advisor except that they help with things like emotions and mental things rather than your money source licensed msw posted by user throw ra i don't know what to say titled i 23 female and days away from giving birth and my 37 male boyfriend just decided to tell me that he can't be at the birth because he's married so first off i know the age gap probably should have been a red flag but i was stupid we've been together for two years but he lives in a different city when i got pregnant he said he was going to move to my city and we would move in together he just needs to finalize some things with his ex-wife he told me he was divorced when we met and i never had any reason to question it i knew that he had two kids with her as well and he told me the truth about that just not that he wasn't divorced or even separated so fast forward i'm 39 weeks and he suddenly got uncommunicative which is less than ideal when you're literally about to give birth bear in mind that he was supposed to have been fully moved in here a month ago he blamed the pandemic today i found out i am going to be induced on monday unless baby decides to come out over the weekend so i contacted him and i was like okay what's going on and that's when he told me that he isn't actually separated or divorced he never told his wife about anything and now he felt like he was backed into a corner i don't feel sorry for him for that because that's his own fault but obviously literally four days before giving birth isn't the time you want to get this news and i have no idea what to do now tell him to f off obviously but what else i feel like i mean i can take care of the baby but i was preparing to have a partner to take care of it with me you know i don't even know what i'm asking for in terms of advice but any advice moving forward and handling this is appreciated it's thursday you've got time to contact a lawyer before the birth can you do that today or tomorrow best wishes i'm literally calling around now i can't thank you guys enough just jumping into one encourage you and say he's an a-hole which i know you know now but what a total betrayal two give yourself time to grieve later right now your baby needs you focused and healthy but when you grieve come here and grieve it all the loss of expectations the heartache the whole thing then post about how great your baby smells noobs smell so damn good and bask in that too in other words give yourself space and time go feel all ranges of emotions that's normal postpartum anyways three don't contact the wife or the father focus on you and the baby be selfish about that leave everything else to the lawyer and remember even that takes a long time four you can't put him on the birth certificates if you aren't married and he's not there he will be sued for child supports as he should be and the cost of the birth keep all receipts and dull documentation of texts etc don't sweat visitation issues right now this won't get in front of a judge for months if not longer no contact outside of the lawyer period it's not that he doesn't have a right to be a part of the child's life he does like it or not but that it needs to be a legal matter only sounds like he will have his hands full with his wife too and that is definitely not your circus or monkeys sending all kinds of love and supports post as much as you need and know that you are doing the right thing getting a lawyer now versus later that lets you have the space to prioritize your and your baby's health don't worry about his wife right now worry about having a safe pregnancy do not delete any texts or emails from him since they may eventually help you in court once you've obtained an attorney you can figure out how you'll get child support opie lawyer here do not take it upon yourself to tell his wife or start anything that might be later deemed drama yes i'm aware it's easy for me to say this laying here on my couch compared to what you're going through find a family lawyer immediately upon returning from the hospital do exactly as they say and good luck in this crappy situation speak to a family law attorney before your birth and especially talk to one before you put his name on the birth certificate if you do that it means you give him parental rights and in some states men will automatically get 50 50 legal custody and depending on the location 50 50 physical some states won't give them crap though you can always add his name later if the hospital will let you wait to file the birth certificates do it ask them for the written policy that states that you have to do it before you leave it gives you time to speak to an attorney if you know you want him in the baby's life and want to deal with him for the next 20 plus years then put his name on it and play that card then file for support immediately but be prepared to potentially share some form of custody with him depending on the state it can be hard to take away avvo.com is a good resource to ask questions if you happen to be in ca or md i might be able to answer some questions for you but child custody laws are state dependent i can certainly point you to free resources for those states i agree with others don't tell the wife don't tell him just do this legally and let the court tell him legally protect yourself and the baby if that piece of crap who calls himself a man mourn the loss of the partner that you thought you had but know that women are strong af and you can raise this baby on your own and it will be amazing you will be fine mama remember there are tons of women who have cake before you and raise their children alone you are strong edits thank you all it seems like getting legal help is priority number one i'm just in shock right now like i almost feel numb but i really appreciate everyone here for your help i was really happy and looking forward to a baby and i just feel really sad right now so i need to take a breather everything is ready for the baby and i'm still excited to meet them but jesus edit number two in bold this time in addition to all kinds of weird comments i'm getting all kinds of weird pms so i think i need to just take a deep breath walk away mindlessly binge watch something stupid for a while and cry my face off tonight i called around to a few family lawyers in my area and the advice i got from posting here has been absolutely brilliant but i'm running out of the sas and steam to deal with anything else that's happening here so i'm just going to check out i'm going to leave the legal business to the lawyers praised that he didn't give me false information and i can actually find him and try to remember how much i was looking forward to being a mum before all of this happens i don't really care if people think it's fake or whatever because i gained exactly nothing aside from the advice that i needed from making this post and i gained exactly nothing from arguing to everyone who shared their stories with me thank you thank you so much you feel like the dumbest effing person in the world when this happens to you and knowing it happens to people all the time is a weird comfort even when you wouldn't wish it on anybody i don't think of myself as a trash or generally stupid person just a person who was blinded by love and naivety and has learned a really hard lesson a really hard way i doubt anything of monumental concern will happen between now and my monday induction but once baby is here i will try to come back and let people know what's happening update first things first i had my healthy baby girl on monday evening we were discharged shortly after birth due to the pandemic so i've just been trying to adjust to everything her birth was a dream and i never want to do it again lol second i talked to his wife for over an hour yesterday i guess he decided to tell her she wasn't mad at me thank god she'd had her suspicions but was trying to trust her husband which i understand she was so nice honestly and even though she isn't angry at me i still feel bad because she's such a nice lady she wanted to make sure i was doing okay and that i didn't need anything which made me cry because postpartum hormones are work she's getting a divorce from him good for her to be honest we are planning to meet up and talk crap about him once the virus is over i have a lawyer and will establish custody and child support legally asap he hasn't bothered to contact me at all but i don't particularly care i didn't want to leave anyone hanging even though it's not a huge update thank you to everyone who checked in it means a lot the wife sounds like an amazing and understanding human being hopefully you have been gifted with an amazing friend after this if anything i really hope opie and the wife form a friendship and can be there for each other it's wonderful that his wife places the blame squarely where it belongs on her husband and is reaching out to opie that's the kind of compassion and love we need in this sorry worlds good on y'all for kicking his ass out and giving him what he deserved i didn't see the original post but congrats on your baby girl and i hope you have a great future so glad you're doing okay and the birth went well that's also awesome the wife and you have become friends and she is kicking him to the curb it sounds like he's getting what he deserves good luck on your future with your new baby girl i have a friend who is married to a cheetah she eventually befriended the mistress who became wife number two then he cheated on two and they got divorced when he married the new mistress friend in number two came together as each other's dates and danced the whole night laughing the point is this too shall pass keep your head up and try to be kind to each other because your baby has a half sibling she may want to know someday good luck also f that guy [Music] posted by user throwaway 03044 titled i think my girlfriend of four years is going to leave me for her dying ex-boyfriend and first love i saw their messages last week and i haven't been the same since i borrowed her old ipad for work purposes and her facebook account was still logged into the device i was going to log in on my messenger because i forgot my phone at home and i was going to message her but then i saw that she had messages from her ex-boyfriend let's call him andre her and andre dated for two years they were each other's first love and she never told me what happened between them i met her a year and some months after they broke up when i went on a trip with my family to california i don't know anything about him other than the fact that they dated sometime in high school and college when i met her we instantly hit it off she showed me around l.a and me living in australia wasn't a problem we were in a long-distance relationship for a year until i saved up enough money to move out of my country for her other than that it took me months to look for a job in los angeles so that i would be financially secure when i got there three years later we're still going strong or so i thought when i clicked on that conversation out of curiosity i immediately noticed the kiss and heart emojis right then i knew what was happening i don't want to go on about details but the only message that stood out was her talking about leaving me for a few months so that she could take care of him he has cancer it's at stage one but reckons he's going to die on one of his messages to her he asked if she would visit him in his house and i'm pretty sure she did because they mentioned how they had a great time together and that it was good to catch up well it's been a week since i found out she doesn't know that i know or that i took her old ipad out of its box and that i had spent two days reading their messages she has no idea at all she thinks everything is okay between us but i actually want to cry for a long time and that i want to physically hurt myself i have no friends in la all of them are back home and they're all living their own lives now i don't want to talk about it to anyone because thinking too deeply about it hurts i guess when it all comes down to it she never really loved me and i'm still trying to accept that i don't know how to approach this i have written my resignation letter for work and i have messaged my parents that i was going to go home sometime next month i did both when i was extremely upset i just need advice on how to approach this i don't want to talk to her about it at all i can't even look her in the eye without wanting to break down please help me on what to do and how to approach it correctly as of now i'm thinking of leaving while she's at work i understand that this is a tough situation but if she is thinking of leaving you for this guy cancer or no i think it shows you where her priorities lie if you want to give her a chance to explain and try to fix things that is 100 your call but i personally don't know that i would feel confident in that relationship again after seeing that i wouldn't ghost in this case but even just a note about what you found would be sufficient if you feel that is the best way to handle it just be prepared that if you do cut it off with her that she will be with this guy within a week but i have a feeling that that was going to happen sooner or later to be honest i personally think in any relationship you should prioritize your self-respect and dignity first she could have told you and met him as a friend which would be understandable but this is cheating no matter what disease he has she can't just go around hurting other people because her ex is sick leave her and tell her why you don't deserve this after investing what you did into the relationship personally i'd check out too if you already have the closure you need there's no real reason to stick around and explain yourself leave a note better yet leave the ipad on the charger with no lock timer leave that message open on it and walk away she has already checked out clearly it's time for you to move on and be happy wishing you the best of luck thank you we're going to talk when she comes home and after that i'm sorting things out with my employer i don't mean to minimize his condition but stage 1 cancer is highly treatable i think he's pulling a quick one here the dying victim that somehow survived and so they meant to be together your girl has some loose ethics and moral values i think deep inside her she kind of felt like she wanted to go back to him also women are extremely compassionate to people who are in disadvantaged situations it's the charm that steals their heart you need to be straight and bring it up explain to her that although you understand you can't stay in this situation cause it will ruin you if she can't see that then she is not worth your time she's coming home from work now i'm a lot calmer than before and i've messaged her exactly what you said she wants to talk to me in person and i'm just waiting now that's also what i thought but i'm almost certain he said that he didn't want to go through treatments which doesn't make sense because he managed to convince her to come back to him i don't know what he wants but he seems like a pretty dumb piece of crap update i finally talked to my girlfriend about it and unfortunately she is now my ex-girlfriend a lot of things that i never expected to happen did happen in a span of hours as soon as she opened the door to our apartments i could tell that she was already starting to cry seeing her so vulnerable like that also hurts because i didn't want to put her in that position i had to constantly remind myself that none of this was my fault we sat down there were lots of tears i thought i would be bitter angry and that i would be screaming at her the whole time but i felt disappointed instead i told her that i saw the messages and explained how i ended up scrolling through their whole conversation she kept reasoning that she just felt sorry for him and that she didn't know how to say no to him because they go all the way back then i told her that we go more way back than they ever did i was there through her lowest points i helped her get up she admitted that they had had sex more than three times i saw it coming i had a gut feeling but hearing her confirm it hurts so much at that point i was full on crying i can't remember some of the things that happened because my mind was all over the place it still is now i remember telling her that i was done that whatever we had was over she kneeled in front of me and asked me to forgive her i don't think i ever will i can't tolerate people who cheat by that point a third of my clothes were packed up obviously she feels happier with him if she can do this to me when i posted my first post a redditor approached me and offered me a place to stay his place was only around 15 minutes away from ours and he picked me up he'll also help me sell a lot of my stuff that i can't bring back home and will help me gather all my things back in my apartment we both agreed that i don't mention him in this post i'm glad that i really opened up to this community instead of keeping it to myself thank you to everyone who also offered me a place it's almost 3 am i'm heartbroken as ever but i'm trying my best i'm sending my resignation letter to work this morning every person in my family now knows my situation here and have offered supports i'll be flying home as soon as possible to all my aussie mates if you live near or around chapel hill let me know america you were great but now it's time to come home thanks for the help everyone edits i'm crying again not because i got cheated on but because i realized that there is a whole world out there that cares a lot for my well-being i almost can't believe i looked at hurting myself as an option to get away from the pain i am really overwhelmed and also thankful for this community anthony and his wife the redditor who helped me says that this has been the most wholesome thing that ever happened to him i may have lost a girlfriend and a future wife but i gained heaps of friends and even friends for a lifetime other than that i am feeling better it still feels surreal that she's gone but what can a bloke do she made her choice so i made mine i woke up to multiple messages from her family saying that i shouldn't rush things and that she's stupid and makes mistakes like everyone else it sucks that i may not be able to see her family for a long time they were great people i thanked them and said that although i believe in second chances and everyone makes mistakes cheating is a choice that a-holes pick never a mistake x also emailed me around five in the morning the email was too long my eyes hurt from crying so i jumped it straight away i miss her like crazy i know it will take a lot of time to heal me but i guess i can wait posted by user throw our a shared moment titled my wife while drunk confessed she only married me as a last resort she then goes on to say i wanted to get with tai my friend which made things awkward as my family were playing her sister shut her up and played it off as a joke not even sure how to take this but i've always suspected she never genuinely loved me how do i even begin to confront her about this not gonna divorce her when i made the topic i was drunk still when i drink i get depressed deep down i'm insecure and depressive it's magnified when i'm drunk gonna be a few before i update she's still passed out and she's gonna be seriously hungover i should say that i'm certain it was truthful but taken out of context of a drunken wife if she really does harbor resentment and felt trapped that'd come as a real surprise in the five years of marriage and three years of dating we've meshed so well we even started a family together it'd just be weird and out of character of course we for sure need to talk like mature adults i'm not going to end this over a drunken rant and someone replies some truths your wife told the truth her sister already knew this and has known forever having kids does not equal love if anything it proves that she rushed into marriage because the train was leaving and forming a family is the societal expectation you were already trying to convince yourself that this was just a drunken lie whatever your wife gives as an excuse you will believe it's easier than accepting the truth you have low self-esteem and would accept her lies out of fear i'm sorry you were going through this i truly am but lying to yourself will only postpone the divorce for a few years that's absolutely awful i'm so sorry quotes how do i even begin to confront her about this end quote do you even want to stay in this marriage after that no but i need to be sure it seems you're already very sure you're just looking to go from 99 to 100 sure problem is that will depend on getting her to come clean and she isn't likely to do that getting that last one is not going to be worth the trouble it's going to cause and by isn't likely i mean there's no freaking way last resort means you're the security and stability she's not giving that up see a lawyer let her know her last resort is going to find someone who considers you their first choice i'm not sure i was drunk very drunk when i get drunk i get depressed and anything anyone says i magnify it as a bad thing i for sure will talk but it would be very weird if she didn't love me considering she's had kids with me of course reddit's gonna read it and claim they know more than i do but i would be very surprised if she didn't genuinely love me i know our relationship didn't start off as love at first sight she wasn't interested in me at first i think if i were in your situation i'd talk to a lawyer and file for divorce no questions asked none needed she and her sister expressed that this was very real and very much known by at least one other person i would be beyond heartbroken but the first step to fixing something that is broken is to step back remove yourself from the situation that broke it and analyze the love i give isn't reciprocated the same way it's not just her that knows that i deserve to be loved and wanted not a last resort will staying in this marriage knowing these facts make me happy if not then the solution while difficult is obvious it's not easy but even try a flowchart something like starting at the fact that you were her last resorts and branch off to how you should react like upset or angry or happy you know if upset what about it makes you upset it's going to seem stupid obvious and like a waste of time but it's going to let you map out your emotions and actions and determine what you need to do people saying divorce are you crazy i haven't even talked to her about it and you want me to divorce her instantly no questions asked we were all drunk when i drink i get doom and gloom she's still passed out dude your wife told you she didn't love you and only married you as a second choice then she said she wanted your friend more than you and her sister had to step in she doesn't love you homie you deserve someone who does she is going to lie to you because you are a safety net for her rip the band-aid off and tell her you want a separation update there's a lesson to be learned poor communication plus insecurity plus alcohol equals bad time i confronted her about this and let it off my chest i'm insecure and depressed she knows and she's accepted me for that and i do my best to improve she was the only person to ever see who i truly was beneath all my bluster she was straight up honest even though she knew it would hurt i wasn't her first choice and was more like a last choice she thought i knew but it's clear i didn't she met tai before i did she was young lonely and miserable she was tired of men breaking her heart and was convinced she'd be alone forever she'd swear off men anyway she liked tai but tai didn't even acknowledge she existed no matter how hard she tried while chasing tai she met me since tai and i were best friends back then since tai never humored her and never once even noticed her feelings she settled for me she asked me out for drinks and she realized we had a ton of chemistry but she quickly realized she had made the right choice and fell deeply in love with me she typically doesn't tell the full story because it's private and people really don't need to know the details she told me she feels ashamed she wasted time chasing after tai and ignored the fact that i was right in front of her she wasted a lot of time chasing after a man who didn't even notice she existed and it's not like she knew anything about him she really didn't know anything about him she was only lusting after him she has only ever told her sister her sister reacted the way she did mostly because she really knows this is sort of a private thing most of my family assume it was a love at first sight thing it's awkward as hell to just blurt that out could she be lying i believe her if i can't believe her that i can't believe anyone her story adds up to what i remember she's been with me the entire time we have two kids now a family i really don't want to start doubting our relationship but i'll be honest and did doubt it when she told me it's that negativity that comes up my side was i met her while she was still crushing on tai she was a co-worker i thought she was cute but she didn't really have any interest in me and i didn't feel like making a move tai thought she was unattractive and annoying he never humored her eventually she stopped chasing him and started talking to me she asked me out to drinks one day and we realized we had a lot in common and we had a ton of chemistry together the rest was history could she be cheating now that i doubt as she and ty don't get along and not to be rude but ty is married and the years were not kind to thai as for suspecting she doesn't love me i was drunk and when i drink my insecure depressive self comes out i don't think rationally do i believe she doesn't no but it's difficult not to think it because i'm insecure and depressed it's always that voice at the back saying she hates you your kids hate you everyone hates you but only tolerates you it's toxic but it's something i do wish to change and she's done a lot to help me to me that sounds like a plausible story we all do stupid crap and some of us chase after the wrong person but still i can understand how hurtful this type of thing can be on the other hand it doesn't sound like you are the last resort either maybe at that specific time when you first met but she did fall for you didn't she you should definitely work on your mental issues and if you're already doing it keep doing it only good can come of it she was young and depressed i seriously doubt she'd swear off guys forever and i've been trying it's difficult she sees me for who i am and loves me for it she's done a lot to help me when i'm down matthews95 says look a partner can only do so much for your mental health i've dated girls who had self-esteem and anxiety issues and they didn't want to see a professional for it it was draining only supporting the girl and not being supported in return i'd suggest you look for a permanent solution to your mental issues so you can be your best self both for your sake and your wife's sake what i read here is this she saw thai and wanted him he didn't want her then you two got to know each other it wasn't love at first sight as it rarely is but the more she learned to know you the more she fell in love with you which is wonderful to be honest that sounds a hell of a lot different than your first post just as well as that you were the last resort is not right you just want love at first sight but she still fell in love with you just like you fell in love with her i was one of those who told you to separate for some time after i saw your first post now i think that you two just need to be more open to each other getting rid of your insecurities also means that you allow her to be more open to you without fear of judging how she feels about a certain something i doubt that she is cheating or that she's only with you because you're convenient she just learned that you have qualities that are not visible on the outside and she values you for that i somehow doubt that you already realize how much that is worth you aren't her last resorts you were just the last man who she dated since she then made a decision for a life for you no more need to date good luck and stay strong absolutely she was just lusting after tai but never knew anything about him she said she fell for him because he was nice to her and helped show her the ropes at work once they got to know each other which was long after we were dating she realized that they had nothing even remotely in common and it was beyond stupid to ever chase him they weren't compatible one of the reasons she and i had such chemistry was i was the only one who understood her and vice versa she was lonely and had been for all her life she never really had friends her sister was always busy with friends and her parents working deep down she too suffers from being insecure and depressed every relationship she ever had failed miserably either they cheated on her or only used her for sex we kind of just connected from the first date posted by user throw ra 183 942 titles my boyfriend keeps trying to guilt me into sex send help my boyfriend and i have been dating for just a few days over a month we talked and hung out for several weeks before making it official because i wanted to be sure that we're compatible before jumping into anything so all in all we've known each other for about two months we're about the same age both early twenties and i'm about a year older than him generally we have a good relationship we have a lot of the same interests and get along well and don't fight or anything worst issues we have is petty things like forgetting to put the toilet seat down except lately he's been harassing me for sex when we first met we had the whole conversation about what do you want from life do you want kids what are your political stances etc all the major things that you can't agree to disagree on at this point i told him that i'd been sexually assaulted in the past and didn't like being touched in certain areas or being treated certain ways and that i take things pretty slow and sex would be one thing i won't be having any time soon and would be something that happens when i feel the time is right and i'm ready he started asking me about sex very early on into the relationship and at that point accepted when i told him i didn't want to or wasn't ready he started asking me about sex very early on into the relationship and at that point accepted when i told him i didn't really want to or wasn't ready lately he started really pushing the matter and bringing it up multiple times a day and generally just whining about it i still seriously listen to what he has to say and have an actual conversation about it but at this point i'm losing my patience i told him for the first time i love him just a few days ago and last night he threw it back in my face he threw a full-blown temper tantrum that i wouldn't have sex with him went on about how his ex waited months to have sex with him too and then she ended up cheating anyways i didn't really enjoy being compared to his ex told him i'm not his ex and he then said he doesn't know how someone who loves him could not want to sleep with him i tried really hard to be calm because in my opinion i think he has a lot of anxiety and trauma over past relationships and that affects how he acts a lot his last ex he was engaged to when she was cheating on him and moved the new man into the house that he was paying for so i can easily see how that would cause a lot of relationship trauma he'll ask me to promise that i actually like him and i'm not just using him and other things like constantly acting like he's afraid i'm going to leave him at this point i'm exhausted and i'm just sick of it all i feel disrespected and like my feelings don't even matter at this point i'm all out of patience to treat his next tantrum calmly and i have no idea how to handle things at this point does anyone have any advice break up with him you both have incompatible baggage ah there's nothing hotter than begging and harassing several times a day break up you barely know the guy but you know enough to see he's an immature entitled jerk way too early in the relationship with way too many problems red flags all over the place you verbalized your boundaries he busted right through them it's early he's showing his true colors take them at face value and get out this may sound rough but i suggest giving him an ultimatum tell him to stop or dump him i personally get a little too annoying with my girlfriend when i want sex and if we do it i just end up feeling guilty i'm going to try that just tell him that if he brings up sex again i'm going to dump him and it'll happen on my terms update so he's now my ex-boyfriend i stuck with him for a couple more months and it was apparent he had some pretty big issues i told him he really needed to go to therapy because he had issues stemming from his last relationship he agreed but then not actually do anything we had this conversation multiple times it became obvious he had a general lack of respect for me no matter how often or how much i gave him in the way of intimacy it was never enough and he was constantly guilting me into sex at one point i didn't want to do anything because i had just started a new job and worked a 10-hour closing shift which was very stressful physically and mentally i got home it's like 2 a.m and went straight to bed still cuddled and talked to him and when i told him no i didn't want to do anything sexual he actually got up and started packing his bags to leave and going on about how he can't take it i talked him into staying which was stupid when something was wrong with his car and i explained the proper way to fix it i'm a mechanic and have several cars i've rebuilt he got really mad that i told him the half-assed way he wanted to fix it was a bad idea and he insulted me and generally ignored my expertise in the area and hung up on me the breaking point came a few days after i was talking about something political and he told me he didn't really keep up with politics or bother with them at all i tried to explain how politics affected me as a disabled person and he pretty much just talked over me about how he doesn't care about politics i tried to generally explain that being able to not care about politics is a privilege and not everyone gets that he was like oh here we go again i was quiet for a while and when he kept asking what was wrong i explained how anytime i try to have a serious conversation he talks over me belittles me and is generally rude and dismissive i told him he needs to talk to me more respectfully i guess he decided that was too much effort because he started packing his bags to leave i didn't stop him this time and we haven't spoken since we both changed our relationship status to single and he removed me from all social media so we're done at first i thought i would take him back if he made a serious effort to change like going to therapy but at this point i've had a few weeks to think that i don't want him back no matter what and i have no intentions of allowing him back into my life i've started talking to someone new that i really like and we have feelings for each other we've actually been friends for a while already and just started floating back and forth recently and confessed to liking each other he treats me really well and genuinely cares about me and is really sweet and adorable he's always been very respectful of me the entire time we've been friends which means even more to me now we are both obsessed with cars and have the same goals in life and we just seem to get along great and really quick i feel like a kid all over again i'm giddy and have butterflies despite all the crap my ex put me through i have high hopes for the future thank you everyone for your advice and i wish i would have listened sooner all right i think that's where i'm going to end today's video guys i do hope you enjoyed it as always i want to do a huge shout out to all my channel members and patreon subscribers you should be up on the screen now i love you all and i think every single one of you are amazing for supporting the channel in the way that you do again thank you so much for supporting me and again if you did enjoy today's video please do tell me what you thought of it down in the comments below all of your hot takes opinions whatever you think really whatever's going on in your life right now i'd love to hear down in the comments below before i leave i'd also like to announce that i'm going to start doing meme content again on the second channel i know it's been a while so click on the marquee head on the screen without the australian flag behind him if you want to go see some memes and as always guys have a good day night sleep whatever you're up to and i'll see you in the next one bye

Channel: Markee

Views: 23,571

Rating: 4.8848062 out of 5

Keywords: aita, amitheasshole, r/aita, r/amitheasshole, aita reddit, markee, markee reddit, markee aita, markee amitheasshole

Id: dNN7ASj-I-s

Length: 139min 55sec (8395 seconds)

Published: Tue May 25 2021