r/Relationships - Sleeping With My Friend's Dad Because We Were Lonely...

g'day there guys marky here back at it again with another episode of r slash relationship advice now if you love today's video like i love you i want you to sit back relax chuck a prawn on the barbie a like on the video and enjoy today's bloody good content posted by user throw ray sb titled how can i 20 female tell my bff 20 female that i'm sleeping with her father 46 female and do not lose them both advice please so let me start by saying that i'm not 100 sure how any of this happened backstory when i was a little kid my pos parents got divorced and i ended up with my pos mother and we moved back to her home state and somehow managed to live with my grandparents who were not pos people i was thrown into a school with total strangers and i was given mountains of crap for talking funny because i was born and raised in the south and was now living in new england the first person to decide to be nice to me and to be my friend was kate not her real name of course kate quickly became my bff and we've been bffs ever since now because my mom is an awful piece of human garbage i spent as much time as possible with kate and her family over the years not only was i accepted by them but eventually i started to look at them as the family i always thought a family should be by high school i was calling don and joan kate's parents also not real names mom and dad respectively they always welcomed me into their home i always had food a place to stay you name it they even took me with on a couple of family vacations i love this family with all of my heart the story takes a turn for the strange in 2018 when after kate and i graduated high school and don and joan had no more kids in the house as they were all on their own or in college that joan decided to come out of the closet as a lesbian admit to an affair that had lasted the entire time they were married and file for a divorce i'm sure you can imagine that don kate her brothers and well everybody was devastated kate went off to college in california and neither of her brothers were around so don was kind of on his own since i wasn't going to further my education and basically stay in town i promised my bff to make sure her dad was ok look in on him often all that well i tried community college and that didn't work out but i got lucky and my grandma pulled in a favor and got me a job as a teller in one of the local banks so i was at least somewhat productive in society i'd call don and text him a few times to check in on him but things got crazy last summer i literally ran into him at the grocery store one afternoon after work i saw what he was buying and it made me super sad it was like all these single bachelor tropes all in one so being the good bff that i am i insisted that don buy some actual food and that i'd go over to his place after work on friday and make him a home-cooked meal i've been cooking since i was young i kind of had to learn and we both agreed that he needed it so friday came around and i went over and cooked him a nice chicken parmesan dinner we had fun visiting for a bit and i went home feeling good about myself we agreed to do this every week the next week after dinner he asked if i'd stay for a bit and hang out so we fired up xfinity on demand and got cozy on the couch i don't know exactly what led to this next part to happen but it happened maybe it was the love scene and what we were watching i dunno all i know is that he seemed super lonely and i felt bad for him so i initiated things and gave him head when i left that night things were a little awkward but we decided to continue our friday dinner tradition and the next week after the movie he asked if i could stay around a little longer well i ended up staying the night that was when we first had sex friday night dinner became friday night dinner and sex and that lasted another eight or nine weeks then we started being more open about what we were doing going out to eat during the week going to a movie or shopping all that stuff despite a lot of people we know giving us the side eye for it all the while i was keeping everything a secret from kate my bff fast forward to covert in that combined with my lack of ability to judge friends well resulted in my roommates bailing on me and leave me on the hook for our entire apartment i got lucky in that our landlord let me out of the lease but that put me in a spot i was going to have to move back in with my pos mother i was desperate to avoid that and then don stepped in and saved me kind of he asked me to move in with him and i did and we've been living as a couple ever since recently don has stopped using a condom while we have sex and he asked me to quit taking birth control too he said he wants to marry me and start a family and the whole deal and now i'm wondering how the frick do i tell kate about this i love kate on so many levels and i don't want to lose her but i'm terrified that she'll be mad i don't know if i can give up don to keep kate though i do know that i'd die a little inside if i stayed with don and that ruined his relationship with his daughter though i know this is a you want your cake indeed at two moments but what's the point of having the cake if you can't eat the freaking thing please someone anyone give me some idea about how to proceed please bruh this is mad disgusting kate is not going to take this well most people would not take their friends fudging their parents well at all this is a man you called dad how do we get to the father-daughter type relationship to wanting to screw marry and have kids your friendship is gonna be over ah it's all the rage in porn today i don't know why regarding you guys banging in what nights to be honest that didn't bother me if you both enjoy it but the fact he's wanting to get you pregnant is a big nope if you're young and you're just having fun and you initiated it whatever i'm not much of an ageist a baby with this man is not something you can just walk away from easily when you realize that if you stay with this man in 20ish years you'll be 38 and having to plan on starting to take care of him is that really what you want this is the part that bugs me the most too i mean i can sit here and probably figure out what happened and why this happened but none of that matters this is the part that matters you're only 20. you need time to go do things and learn who you really are there's plenty of time for a baby later that's one of those things that i think it's important to do i wish you luck i hate to say it but she clearly has daddy issues i had them two at one point and was in very deep denial that i had them but boy this girl needs a tried and true male figure in her life that won't turn romantic and she needs therapy they are both relying on each other as a crutch for things that they're going through that's the only part i have a big issue with too i feel like don is so depressed and lonely that he feels like opie is his only chance at happiness again knows that it's a risky relationship to begin with that opie would walk away from if she knew what was best for her and her friendship and is trying to trap her into the relationship with a baby that way not only would she have to stay but everyone else would be forced to accept them staying together too including his daughter 20 is just way too young to be considering marriage and babies even if this wasn't a weird relationship to begin with this is going to destroy kate you can find another man she only has one father you're so young you have many years to find someone to settle down with this seems like an absolute crap show of a relationship please stay on birth control please don't bring a child into this situation updates how can i tell my bff that i'm sleeping with her father and do not lose them both hello all update time so i was awake late into the night after making the post and reading everyone's comments i appreciate everyone who weighed in with something other than reminding me that i'm a horrible screwed up piece of crap as a person i had come to that conclusion on my own but it was nice to have it verified so thanks i gave a lot of thought to the questions posed to me from hello icu 2020 and came to some conclusions i want to get better the day after posting i was visibly bothered by deep thoughts at work and one of my co-workers was concerned and asked me about what was bothering me so i told her the whole story together we looked into if my insurance would cover therapy it does and even with covert making it a video chat only kind of deal i started yesterday at lunch tuesday the 21st i decided to get the hell out of the situation as well i moved out of the house this past weekend and into a spare room that one of my co-workers offered for me to use until i can get some money to relocate once the pandemic ends and i can get a transfer to a different branch hopefully out of state this is awkward and life just took a crappy turn but i'm told that getting through this mess that i made will make me a better person in the end i spent friday night down at the shore at my grandpa's house so i could be somewhere that i love and feel safe at for the next part i called kate it went like anyone expected no lies worst conversation i've ever had i told her when it was all said and done that i wasn't expecting her to ever forgive me as i don't know if i deserve it she knows that i'm not there anymore and i'm going to try my hardest to put as much distance as possible between me and her family asap i ended the call by telling her that i won't be initiating contact anymore i'm going to give her all the space and time she needs even if that means i'll never talk to her again i really do love her more than life itself and i hope that we can eventually recover but i doubt we will this is my own fault and i'm trying to take accountability here thanks for the input everybody something is missing here how to go with her dad by the way i wish you good luck in your new life it will be hard and lonely at first for sure but at the end you'll make new friends and gain more respect for yourself so hold on don wasn't happy with the whole thing and asked if there was anything he could do to change my mind i haven't seen him or talked to him since i got my stuff out of his house though i'm kind of afraid to well you did the right thing he should be able to find someone to have a healthy relationship yours was doomed since the beginning and he was playing the lonely god there is no excuse for him and worse to ask you to stop your birth control he was not doing it with good intentions and i think you've escaped in the right time don't engage with him marriages break all the time and relationships end and it's not the end of the world it was his responsibility to learn how to take care of himself facts i don't see a lot of people holding him accountable as well for his play in this the whole thing was creepy he shouldn't have took her on her advances regardless of what he was going through i could never do that to someone especially someone i practically raised how did kate take it she thought that i was joking at first a really sick jerk sure but a joke just the same kate was super hurt and confused by the whole thing she's really angry with both me and her dad of course i understand that i also understand that if she can find it in her heart to forgive me she will but i'm not going to make it difficult on her by trying to force the issue i'm not initiating contact with her until she reaches out first you did the right thing in the end i wish you all the best for the future you made the grown-up decision man that must have really sucked stay strong love is complicated you will come out of this a better person and stronger for it did you tell her that you initiated it with her dad i did i'm trying for total accountability here good for you you may never get your friendship back and that's a consequence you may have to face but you did the right thing a really difficult thing and to think that most people would just keep a secret to save their own butts you were not a terrible person you made an awful mistake had a serious lapse in judgment but you know what that just makes you human owning up to your mistake and taking accountability in my eyes makes you a good person admitting your failures is not an easy thing to do this is going to be a hard painful lesson but you'll come out of it stronger and smarter i'm proud of you for doing the right thing at your own expense not many people have that strength honestly as much as i think people are right to call you out on this i also am really disgusted by don's role in all of this he's known you since you were a kid and he wanted to sleep with slash possibly marry you it makes me wonder how long he's felt that way and if he was potentially grooming you i'm glad to hear you're getting therapy and hope you're able to find peace posted by user throw ra i don't know help 12921 titled significant other 29 female is frugal to the point where i 30ml can't handle it anymore i did groceries alone today because she is in tears because i spent eight dollars more than her budget we have been dating for around three years now and moved in together a year and a half ago back then she was somewhat of a penny pincher and always insisted on instead of eating out we would buy or make something which i was okay with because we both love to cook lately with covid she's gone from bearable to completely and utterly pinching every penny we both work in tech and we make great money to give some context we live in nyc and her monthly budget is less than 600 including rent utilities etc the rest of the money goes somewhere that i am not privy to which is her finances however we both have no real debt at this point right now we live in a tiny and i mean tiny bachelors originally i moved in with her and we had plans to get a proper apartment when her lease was up rather than me signing another lease however those plans have gone on hold due to covid and her paranoia about job security she works for a very stable company lately she has become one of those extreme couponers even if it's just saving a few dollars here and there today the grocery store was extremely busy and i didn't want to fiddle with the coupons etc that she gave me so i just said screw it the result was the cost going about eight dollars over our weekly budget i really didn't care at all since i was paying for the groceries when i got home she immediately took the receipt and started to get very upset about how i overspent etc i said i paid for groceries and she started to get very upset i tried this afternoon to sit down with her and ask her to explain why she's being so extremely frugal and her response is that she isn't sure of the future for her career and needs to pinch every penny the thing is by my math she has saved up a ton of money i know she sold her stock options last year for a fairly large amount i just cannot understand how she considers herself so poor the other thing that's bothering me is that she didn't grow up in a poor family or anything her family is extremely well off from what i've seen she doesn't seem to want to discuss her financial situation and i'm struggling to understand where this is coming from what can i do update i showed her my finances and asked her to share hers because i said her behaviour is not healthy she refused to show me anything she says she doesn't have any sort of debt and asks me to trust her about it it doesn't make me feel happy sounds like she has some underlying paranoia anxiety and control issues all of this will intensify as you share financial responsibilities such as a house or kids try therapy but i don't know you may never be able to compromise if she's so extreme do you know how i could bring something like that up this is 100 a mental health issue and you can't fix it she needs professional help this is akin to hoarding it's an illness i agree my mom raised us thinking we were fudging poor i mean eating potatoes every day poor and we lived in a mansion with marble floors stairs and windowsills i legit didn't realize we were well off until i was like 22. yeah had a friend that made big bucks in a low cost of living area in the midwest he married an extremely frugal woman from maine and he couldn't even buy her flowers without her immediately going to the store to return them and use the money to buy groceries he couldn't buy anything for fun they couldn't travel unless there was an emergency reason it was work-related or they could drive there and stay with someone they never ate out but instead ate like cheap cuts of meat from shady butchers and she didn't want to spend money fixing up their house so they did a lot of diy repairs that were very diy there would always be a crap in their toilet too because to save money they flushed like once or twice a day that weirded me out the most i wanted to befriend her since we were roughly the same age but she didn't spend money going out for coffee or anything just come to my house and smell the crap from my toilet my friend was so embarrassed and it was a huge strain on their marriage financial incompatibility is a huge stress point in marriage she needs therapy to get some perspective and recognize truly upsetting situations versus self-created extreme adherence to her expectations do you have suggestions for how i can bring this up to her she acts like what she does is completely normal and no amount of me pointing out that we make a stupid amount of money combined has seemed to make her more at ease honestly op tell her she gets help or the two of you are over i get you don't want to do that but this is not going to end well besides her anxiety or whatever it is regarding this she may be lying as well since she won't share info about her finances i mean i keep reading on reddit that the husband writes my wife lied to me about her debt she said she had some like five thousand or ten thousand debt but after marrying her he found out she had like a hundred and ten thousand in debt no this doesn't mean your girlfriend has tons of debts but she's flat out refusing to share info about her finances and there is a reason it could be other things as others have said i'm not saying she's lying but just that she might be there is definitely something going on with her about this either in her mind or something else this needs to be resolved if it isn't the two of you aren't going to work out updates significant other is frugal to the point where i cannot handle it anymore i did groceries alone today and she's in tears because i spent eight dollars more than her budget i wanted to thank people for giving some good advice she was hiding a lot from me she has been bankrolling her parents way of life i've only met her parents a few times and i'm an idiot for not seeing it earlier her dad isn't a doctor he's a dentist and his practice has not really been affordable for a long time according to her so she has basically been giving almost all of her paycheck to her family to cover this deficit in general i think her parents are total pieces of crap since last time i was there they were very well off big house multiple cars etc she showed me her finances after i gave her an ultimatum that she needed to go to therapy for her penny pinching or i didn't see this relationship working out she is more or less completely broke she has no savings no nothing all the money goes to her parents i told her how wrong this is and i told her how wrong it is for her to project this unhealthy behavior onto how i spend my own money i also fully told her that i'm going to move out when her lease is up into an apartment that is suitable for two adults constantly working from home and i told her we can move out together but i'm not going to be forcing myself to her extremely frugal behavior her reasoning behind all this is basically she has this huge feeling of debt to her parents and she doesn't need nice things to be happy i don't really know what's going to happen but today we ordered fancy delivery food something we haven't done in ages and i paid for it without her making a fuss she has also agreed to see a therapist but she isn't fully set on at least reducing the fact she is giving basically 90 of her paycheck to her parents i don't know i don't really get it and i probably went about it the wrong way but it is something your partner is being financially abused your partner is being abused by her parents she needs support in coming to terms with what's happening and being independent from them yeah i agree i just really don't know aside from getting her to a therapist how else to help her she makes a lot of money and it is completely soul-crushing to see she has nothing saved for her future after working five plus years i hope you're able to find a therapist who specializes in financial abuse not just financial issues financial abuse also often falls under domestic abuse categories so while it may feel extreme depending on where you are family slash domestic violence or women's services may be able to provide information and leads i wish you both good luck in this journey let me guess her parents are extremely controlling and emotionally manipulative to the point she feels like it's easier to just hand them all her money then not because of the crap fit they'll throw otherwise no adult does this because they actually genuinely want to i've met her parents i think a total of four times as they live several states away my significant other doesn't really visit them very often and when we did go to visit them we didn't spend a huge amount of time with them i initially got the impression that i wasn't good enough in their eyes but they never really said or did anything it was very awkward the first time meeting her parents posted by user throwra njbjm titled my boyfriend says i need to lose weight even though i've already lost 30 pounds i 22 female live with my boyfriend's 26 who calls me fat even though i weighed 130 pounds before i started dieting and exercising even at 100 pounds he still insists that i'm not losing enough and he isn't as attracted to me as he used to be i'm trying my best to lose weight but i think losing any more is a bad idea as i'm very skinny now it's upsetting when he claims that i'm overweight all of the time even though i completely cut out junk food from my diet and jog for at least an hour a day i don't think losing any more is safe for me how should i expect this to my boyfriend i guess they're trying to say how should i say this to him edits i'm five foot added two i asked out of curiosity how much he wanted me to weigh and he told me around 70 to 80 pounds i don't think it's really possible to live at 80 pounds 5 foot tall what is what is that isn't that like extreme malnourishment to that point i read a post a couple of months ago about a girl who was upset because her boyfriend constantly put her down saying that she smelled really bad she was showering multiple times a day using antiperspirant etc but he still insisted that she smelled terribly no one else thought she smelt bad by the way things came to a head and basically during an argument he admitted that he was very insecure and thought that if he told us she smelt bad she wouldn't have the self-confidence to leave him and find another boyfriend from what you're saying i guess that this is what's going on with your boyfriend don't ever put your health at risk over a partner it's just not worth it my ex-husband did this to me he tried everything he could to keep me from exercising made comments about how horrible i looked when i started losing weight and feeling more confidence he would tell me how ugly i was and set me up to talk about my confidence only to laugh at me for thinking i was worth anything he was scared if i had confidence in myself that i would leave well he was right and now he's my ex and i couldn't be happier took me a very long time to realize how toxic he was to my self-esteem i really don't understand that logic who wants a partner that isn't confident in themselves and who thinks tearing down someone's confidence is an acceptable way to get someone to stay maybe instead they should try being the most supportive partner ever but we know that they are mean because they are incapable of doing so glad you escaped that piece of crap someone who lacks their total confidence took 15 years for me to come to my senses but now i'm happily married with a partner that is incredibly supportive we actually met while going for a run that's amazing isn't it when you're with an abuser you almost don't know that there are better options it's almost created an issue for me because i refuse to date someone who is anything less than enthusiastically supportive so i've learned to break it off with someone very easily and early on lose 200 pounds by dropping him in the dirt this is a serious red flag problem i'd lose 156.3 pounds then lose that extra 156.3 pounds holding you back i try not to say this often but you should probably get out of that relationship that's incredibly toxic and manipulative it's also physically dangerous for you you need someone to build you up and love you not someone who will make you feel unattractive if you're not a skeleton screw him yeah she's also lost quite a lot of weight and losing any more would definitely be going into the danger zone depending on her height she may also be underweight i'm five foot please don't lose any more weight your boyfriend sounds abusive to me so lose the boyfriend and you'll lose all the extra weight you need i'm five foot two and i dropped to 75 pounds at one point because i was really sick i stopped getting my period for a year and literally looked like a skeleton it was disgusting it also made it so that afterwards i gained weight super easily please don't do this to yourself update my boyfriend says i need to lose weight even though i'm only 100 pounds for some reason i can't access my original throwaway accounts but i decided that i should still update you guys i ended up leaving my boyfriend because if i got to 70 to 80 pounds i would likely die since i'm already starting to feel really bad from my weight i'm going to quit my daily jogs for a while and only do it once a week i've also decided to give up starving myself and eat more than salads so i can gain weight again hopefully i can get back to 130 pounds as that's when i felt healthy thanks for all the kind comments on my last post as it really helped make this decision edit even at 130 pounds i wasn't overweight according to my doctor posted by user throw ra 78 wood titled my 22 male vegan girlfriend 21 female wants me to get rid of my cat i can't believe i'm about to type this but here we go i've been dating my girlfriend for seven months she's amazing and we are super compatible in a lot of ways she's an outspoken vegan and she made it clear at the start of our relationship that it was important to her that any potential partner had similar cruelty-free values me already being a pescetarian had little difficulty transitioning to a fully plant-based diet my girlfriend was proud of me going cruelty-free and everything seemed well we became the vegan couple on our college campus then there's my cat mittens i've had her for three years and i adore her she's such a sweet and cuddly cat however my girlfriend was always a little apprehensive around her and she blamed it on not growing up around cats after a while we sort of made a tacit agreement to mostly hang out at her apartment instead of mine so mittens never really came up again in conversation fast forward through all the quarantine stuff my girlfriend and i have spent a lot of time together during this pandemic and we've started talking about taking our relationship to the next level we began seriously looking at either buying a new apartment together or having one of us move in with the other however after a lot of talking and planning my girlfriend sat me down and dropped a bombshell on me she said that with the next phase of our relationship she did not see a future with me unless i was willing to give away mittens she said that she believed owning a cat is unconscionable for vegans because they hunt mice and eat meat and because the very act of owning a pet is a violation of vegan principles i was stunned i told her that i was absolutely not willing to give up mittens and she had no choice but to eat meat so i was reducing harm as much as possible by buying reputable brands of cat food plenty of vegans own cats and think along those same lines my girlfriend got mad and said how much flesh does your cat eat how many animals died to make all that food would you be okay with that being human flesh stop threatening me with a good time alright i got mad and told my girlfriend that i would have really appreciated her telling me about her cat opinions before we got serious she went on and on about cats killing animals and i ended the conversation there i was so angry that i left my girlfriend's apartment and i snuggled with mittens when i got home although the mood soured a bit where my girlfriend sent me a link on a reddit thread advocating for the extinction of domestic cats i think it goes without saying that i'm not getting rid of my cat however it pains me to think that an otherwise wonderful relationship could be ending because of a difference in ideology i don't even really understand where my girlfriend is coming from because like i said a lot of vegans own cats now granted cat ownership can be a controversial topic in vegan circles and i probably would not have gotten a cat if i had been vegan at the time but i have mittens now and she deserves to eat yes i researched vegan cat food but mittens has some digestive issues and my vet strongly cautions against it i've talked to some of my vegan and vegetarian friends and they all think my girlfriend has lost their mind some have suggested that it's not about mittens and my girlfriend just wants an excuse to end it they probably don't understand why i haven't broken up yet but i care about my girlfriend so much i'd hate for this bizarre curveball to be the end of a beautiful thing i want to try and work something out where do i even go from here i will not compromise on mittens and i don't think my girlfriend will compromise either edit wow this completely blew up while i was asleep i'm trying to read every comment but there are a lot also please allow me to take this moment to reiterate that my girlfriend's views are not representative of those held by the wider vegan community she suggested to give it away it makes no sense whatsoever will it consume less meat with another owner of course not it's like boasting about your lack of garbage because you dump it all in your neighbor's yard this is what i was thinking it's not about veganism it's about control absolutely what this reminds me of is parents so committed to their religion they will disown their own children for not conforming even though they claim to love them unfortunately some vegans can find their ideology so compelling they too would choose it before anything else and in this case she seems to have never even considered the fact she's demanding opie give up a cat he loves whilst we're on the subject op cats are obligate carnivores and should never be fed a vegan diet regardless of health status here in the uk doing so would earn you a fine of up to one thousand pounds it's considered animal cruelty you can also get prison time for animal cruelty in the uk including feeding cats inadequately as a fellow vegan no this isn't even cool if she truly cared about animals she wouldn't ask you to re-home your cat it has a loving home her way of thinking is asked backwards if someone told me i'm not a real vegan because i have a dog i would laugh my ass off and tell them they can have their stupid label the dog stays he's family just like i'm sure your cat is your family yep i came here to say this i'm vegan and i see no issue in giving animals loving homes regardless of the animal's diet especially if your pet would be homeless otherwise don't give your cat away they are family yeah the organization which came up with the term vegan defines it as seeking to exclude as far as is possible and practicable all forms of exploitation of and cruelty to animals for food ethical systems can't have simple neat solutions for every question humans can easily live without meat cats cannot so you need to choose between the suffering of the cat or the animal which it eats when there is no option which doesn't involve harming animals you're not not vegan for having to choose one of them yup exactly this it's definitely a paradox of sorts though the carnivorous and omnivorous animals that already exist will be hunting for food regardless i don't see it as necessarily negative because they cats dogs etc need meat to live and humans do not i love my cat whom i've had over half my life and will not put her in any discomfort solely because i would prefer to not support the meat industry in any way it's a tough choice to make but i've come to terms with the fact that cats need to eat meat i don't so overall it's a net positive impact some vegans choose to only have pets who are herbivorous in nature like bunnies but for me i will always choose an animal from the local shelter to rescue my vegan girlfriend wants me to get rid of my cat first of all let me say thank you for everyone who offered advice there are over 7 000 comments on my original post and i have dozens of pms frankly i'm still pretty overwhelmed with the magnitude of the response i did my best to read most everyone's comments but obviously i couldn't get to everything i would also like to preempt this post by saying as many users pointed out that my girlfriend's extreme views on domestic cats are not representative of the vegan and vegetarian community as a whole i do think that sometimes new vegans can be a little overzealous in reality most of us are just doing the best we can not to hurt animals i did not expect to generate a big debate in the comments so we broke up obviously i would never ever give up my cat mittens many users said that this situation was about control not veganism and looking back i do see a pattern of control on my girlfriend's parts i was blind to it i guess i called my girlfriend and said i was not willing to give up mittens under any circumstances and given the recent issues we'd had and our incompatible views i thought it was best that we parted ways i said she deserved a better partner that shared her values she then asked if we were breaking up and i said yes there was some anger on her end but otherwise the situation actually went better than i expected so yeah that's really it oh and several users did ask to see a picture of mittens i have uploaded one to imga thanks again to everyone who offered advice it really helped good for you the cat is being a cat the cat cannot choose and must eat meat to survive if you treat the cat well there's nothing wrong with being vegan and owning a cat what's her suggestion we kill off cats cause that's not vegan she literally sent him an article that same night advocating for the extinction of the house cat species so now we're left with the classic question of free range chicken or the organic gmo free egg is she vegan because she's crazy or is she crazy because of the veganism obviously not all vegans but this lady is certainly off the deep end imagine being so concerned for animal welfare that you support systemic violence against animals what the hell you made the right choice opie yeah humans are the very last species on earth that should ever advocate for the extinction of another species to protect ecosystems oh come on she was a bit catty about it but but opie really handed it perfectly look she obviously thought she had more of her claws in him i hope he really got himself out of a hairy situation here no kitten around posted by user throw rays stabbed in the back titled my 28 female best friend 29 female since birth gave me a bad reference for a job she told me to apply to background our parents have known each other since we were born my parents moved across the street from her parents her mom baked my mum and dad a cake and they've been friends ever since they even got pregnant around the same time and gave birth a few months apart tori fake name obviously and i literally grew up together and have always been close we were inseparable as kids and have always called each other sisters freshman year of high school her dad got a job opportunity and they ended up moving to cali we were in ohio at the time so it was kind of hard to maintain a long distance friendship because of the time difference and everything that was going on in our lives but we still remained close alternating visiting each other during our summer breaks we applied and got into the same college after high school so we were finally reunited at college as we dorm together and things were perfect present day we are both married to our husbands we live in the same town our husbands are best friends as well due to this covered pandemic i was laid off from my telemarketing job it was fine at first because my husband was able to pick up an extra few shifts and maintain our households but his overtimes started getting cut so now we were only living off of one income and have had to use our savings to pay off a few bills as of recently i've been looking for a new job and it's been hard because no one has been hiring tori and i get together once every other week for drinks and i mentioned to her that i was having a hard time job searching and she suggested that i apply at her job and that she would put in a good word for me and i'd be hired we talked about how fun it would be to work together tori is in a similar field as i was not exactly the same but she said that i'd have no problem getting in and that they'd train me for whatever i didn't know later that week i applied and was called a few days later for a phone interview we went over my application and she asked how i was referred to the job i mentioned tori and she genuinely sounded excited and bragged about what a great employee tori is and how if she's referring me i'd probably be a perfect fit we finished up the phone interview and she said that she would ask tori a few follow-up questions but that the job was pretty much mine and to be expecting a call back by a certain day i texted tori telling her how things went and thanking her immensely however the day came that i was supposed to hear something back and i haven't heard anything at tori and i's get together i asked her if her boss ever asked about me and tori said no and that she would let me know if she did two weeks passed and still no word i asked tori again and all she said was that they decided to hire someone else because they had more experience so i dropped it after that a month later and i'm finally back working and my husband and i are getting back on our feet i suggested that we invite tori and her husband over for dinner and my husband immediately said no i've noticed that my husband and her husband haven't been talking i asked about it and he brushed it off i asked tori about it at our get-together and she brushed it off as well however i knew that was odd as they talked almost daily and got together weekly for beer and poker with a few other friends and that hasn't been happening either i decided to press the issue with my husband and he finally broke down and said that the reason why him and matt weren't speaking was because of tori he explained that the job tori said she would speak up for me to get she actually did the opposite i asked what he meant and he said that her boss actually did ask tori about me and she said a few things to deter her from hiring me i asked why he kept this from me for so long and he said it was better that i didn't know because he didn't want to ruin our friendship matt actually told him what tori did and he told matt to tell tori to do the right thing they got into an argument and that's why they weren't speaking i called tori and she admitted that my husband was telling the truth and said the reason why she didn't vouch for me was because she didn't want things to change between us because at work she was a completely different person whatever that meant so after thinking about asking me to apply she decided to change her mind but couldn't bring herself to do that i was absolutely disgusted she knew how much my husband and i were struggling and decided to sabotage my chances at getting a job for no real reason i hung up and blocked her number it's been nearly a month and we haven't talked yet however my husband and her husband are back on speaking terms and my husband wants me to make up with tori and let it go so that things can go back to how they were however i'm not sure if they can i feel like i've been stabbed in the back do i have a right to feel how i feel or is it time to move on and let bygones be bygones i admit that i do miss her but i feel like i can't trust her anymore had she told me the truth from the beginning i would have been okay but she lied to my face on multiple occasions boy this was a read and a half first of all screw tory she screwed up you have every right to feel betrayed and be mad for about four to six months she broke your trust in my country trust is fundamental in a friendship do you think you can trust her again after this yeah your oldest and literal lifelong friend did something detrimental to the well-being of your family over some petty unnecessary bull crap why would your husband want you to forgive her like why the freak wouldn't tory figure that out before she told her about the job or before opie applied and had an interview that's so hurtful and honestly embarrassing she's a crap friend exactly i don't want my friends at my job and i don't really make friends with my coworkers we're friendly and nice to each other of course but i prefer to keep those two parts of my life separate but that's exactly why i'm not offering to refer any of my friends for available jobs she is a fake and basically admitted it she didn't want her personal and business personas to meet fine but then why did she refer you for the job in the first place what she did is crappy in the extreme and you have every right to cut her out of your life it's what i would do certainly it is never going back to what it was before she screwed you over and lied to you that said i can't believe there are companies still officially working on personal referrals it opens them up to so much potential trouble if tori lied to prevent you getting the job and it sounds like she did then she is liable i'm not saying you should take action but she opened herself up to that by causing financial damage to you via lies side note as a non-american the idea of being afraid of litigation to not take referrals is alien to me big tech including google outside the states pay thousands to employees for a successful referral i'm non-american too and for at least two companies i've worked for you're not able to go anywhere near the recruitment of someone you know in any way you can get a bounty for referring someone who is successfully employed but that is as far as it goes and you sure as hell wouldn't be asked to vouch for the person that you referred update my best friend since birth gave me a bad reference for a job she told me to apply to thank you for all your comments and advice i'm glad to know i wasn't overthinking the situation i called tori yesterday and gave her the opportunity to meet up apologize and explain more in depth she accepted my offer and we had lunch at a nearby restaurant today some of you guessed that the reason that she didn't want me at her job was because she could have been hiding something and that was correct she told me that she was indeed having an affair with a co-worker i didn't buy it at all it just didn't make sense because if that was the case why would she tell her husband that she sabotaged me rather than keep that to herself turns out that my husband was pressuring him for answers as well and her husband kept reminding her to ask her boss why i didn't get the job that's when she told him what she did she also gave him a completely different explanation of why she didn't want me working there she showed me months of steamy texts and sex between her and a co-worker so i knew that she was telling the truth i asked her why she didn't just tell me she said that she was scared that people at her job would ask me questions and it would come out that she's married the guy at her job that she's been seeing doesn't even know and thinks they're in an exclusive relationship she said that if i found out about the affair she was afraid that i'd tell my husband and since our husbands are best friends he would tell hers she gets together with her co-worker for a few hours after work and on weekends apparently she doesn't even work weekends her husband thinks that she's at work all this time she said that having me work there would ruin things as our schedules wouldn't add up and it would get back to her husband and he would question her about why i asked her why she would have me apply and say that she would get me in knowing she had no intentions of having me work with her she said she didn't think i'd really take her up in her offer as i've made comments before about her work sounding boring and that she was really hoping that if she dragged it out long enough i'd get tired of waiting and look elsewhere the million-dollar question that i asked her was what did you say to your boss to change her mind about offering me the job she said that she told her boss that having me work there would honestly probably just be a distraction and she wouldn't perform her best and that i was known to be lazy and a slacker which is definitely not true she did offer her sincere apology and said that she felt terrible knowing what all john and i were going through and she didn't help but i just can't see myself forgiving her or even trusting her again after this situation basically the best friend that i've known all these years has turned into a complete stranger i feel like i don't even know her anymore this isn't something i want in my life especially after she caused me to look so foolish by bad-mouthing me to her boss i told her that our friendship was over and that she'd better have a talk with her husband because no way was i holding this back from mine a few hours later my husband got a call from hers tori told him the news and they are now separating and he will now file for a divorce in the upcoming weeks tori is believe it or not moving in with her co-worker i haven't heard from her since leaving the restaurant and honestly don't plan on talking to her ever again almost 30 years of friendship gone over a string of lies as for my husband him and i never had a long talk after revealing to me that he already knew what tori did i explained to him that it is never okay to keep things like that from me no matter what i understand him and matt have a very good friendship but me and my feelings should come first in the future situations like this he agreed and will eventually gain my trust back edits just to clear things up my husband never knew about tori's affair all he knew was that tori sabotaged the job also a lot of you are saying the co-worker deserves to know and i agree i emailed the hr department at a job and requested a meeting with the woman i had a phone interview with the meeting is friday and i will tell her then about tori's lie and about the affair and i will let her handle it how she wants to from there after this i am completely done with her edit two a lot of you think that me talking to her boss is a bad idea if anything i probably won't bring up the affair situation but i do want to bring it to her attention that tori lied to her i don't think her boss would appreciate having employees that would easily lie to her face to cover up shady stuff that they've been doing i may just send her an email with that part of the recording attached and a quick explanation instead of going to meet her and yes i recorded our encounter if i figure out how i could possibly post it if anyone would be interested in hearing i honestly don't care if telling her boss is a screwed-up thing to do she didn't give a [ __ ] about me when she watched me struggle for months and prevented me from getting a job that i desperately needed at the time so why should i give a freak about her she's not my friend anymore anyway she needs to learn that she can't just do whatever she wants with zero consequences so stop telling me not to say anything posted by user throw ra556fb titled my 26 male girlfriend's 25 female has grown distant after i got beat up for defending a group of girls being harassed mandatory i've been with my girlfriend sarah for three years and been living together for one and a half she's honestly everything i've ever wanted and i'm planning on proposing somewhere next year so three weeks ago i was out with sarah at a local bar drinking and having a great time with her as it was just after quarantine had ended where i live at around 3am we decided to head home as we headed to the parking lot where we had parked we noticed a group of two girls and a guy who was clearly drunk trying to hit on them and get them to go to his house the girls were clearly very uncomfortable and trying to find a way out sarah told me that we had to do something and i told her to go call the cops and get someone as well because the very least i wanted was her to get hurt during this so i approached the group and tried to pretend i was the boyfriend of the one of the two girls and long story short i got my ass kicked the guy was at least six foot four and two hundred and twenty pounds whereas i'm five foot eleven and 167 pounds i'm fairly muscular myself but there was no way i could have taken someone that big i knew it from the start at least from all the noise we had made a lot of people rushed to the scene and the girls got away safe i was rushed to the er because the [ __ ] had broken my ribs which had punctured my right lung yay after that incident sarah has grown distant from me even though she visited and stayed with me at the hospital she hasn't been the same since and i thought she just needed more time to move past this however five days ago she told me that she's not the same person after what happened and she doesn't know if she feels safe with me after i got beat up like that honestly hearing that hurt me more than when i got my ribs broke she has moved to her parents for the time being and told me she needs time meanwhile i had no one here to help me so my brother left his two boys and wife to move in with me i know i'm just venting at this point but i don't want this to be over like that reddit is there anything i can do to salvage the situation i don't have advice honestly i just need to say that what you did was absolutely amazing and that any person who doesn't appreciate and respect that isn't worth it i suppose it's fine if that's something important for her but i know i'd rather have someone who's willing to fight even if they lose than just someone physically tough who might not morally care enough you defended not only those girls but your girlfriend and yourself i think you should just give her time and if she decides to move on to just focus on knowing who you are and that you did the right thing hell yes i so agree i find it more respectable when someone who might lose tries to stand up to bullies anyway it's a risk and that's far braver than someone huge and strong standing up to a wimpy little bully rp did the right thing even though he had to push through fear to do it i'm flawed that his girlfriend disrespects that frankly opie got a get out of jail free card and i think he should use it on this crappy fair weather girlfriend can't agree with this enough op you're my hero for doing this sir you're more man than most men will ever be you did something where others would have done nothing i'm so sorry you were going through this opie replies what hurts me most is that she's not here with me right now i get that what i did might not have been the wisest thing to do and that for some reason her attraction or whatever for me has changed but we can't even talk about it in the three years we've been together not once have i been absent when she needed me i can't even imagine being less attracted to someone after that event you saved those girls from a dude that obviously would have harmed them if he was willing to beat you into a hospital stay i'm sitting in a puddle just thinking about it it's toxic masculinity to think you have to win every fight and to abandon you in a time of need after she pushed you to do something christ what a toddler just because she can't see what big dick energy this is doesn't mean everyone else doesn't if she lost attraction over you having balls of steel she can f off what you did is truly honorable and your girlfriend should commend you for that and not feel unsafe around you i'm sure if she were in the same situation as those girls she would be silently hoping a guy would show up and confront the guy wouldn't she she should feel lucky to have you and know that you would risk getting your ass whooped to defend her the fact you got hurt doesn't matter your intentions is the most important thing if she leaves you she leaves you i'm sure you can find someone else who would be happy to have a great man like you if my significant other had the guts to stand up to someone bigger than them to protect someone else i'd feel safer with them than with anyone else updates my girlfriend is growing distant after i got beat up defending a group of girls being harassed first of all i want to say thank you to every single one of you who commented on my last post the love and support i received was immense and it actually made me feel a little better in the mess of it all thank you from the bottom of my heart all of the following happened yesterday so excuse me if i ramble a bit it's all fresh in my mind until yesterday it had been 14 days since my last contact with sarah my brother had left four days prior because i felt bad keeping him away from his family for so long plus i could take care of myself to some extent so around 2pm while i was making lunch i hear the doorbell ring i go to open the door and there she is sarah with tears in her eyes eye bags frizzy hair looking like a total mess during the time we've been together i've seen her in her ups and downs but i'd never seen her in such a horrible state before so i let her in she sits on the couch and we still haven't said a word as we were both dumbfounded i was so overwhelmed by emotions i wanted to hug her i wanted to full-on blaster i didn't even know what i wanted to do so i did nothing and waited for her to talk after five or ten minutes of silence she starts sobbing and saying she's sorry and then full-on crying at this point i can barely hold myself together so i hold her hand and try to calm her down so i can figure out what's going on after a while she finally somewhat calms down and starts talking and that's where it got bad something that i didn't include in the original post because it wouldn't make sense to anyone is that sarah's mother has been divorced and remarried once from what sarah has told me her biological father cheated on her mother while she was still a kid and that's why they broke up and that's also why she doesn't have any kind of relationship with her father it seems odd when i first learned about it but i didn't question it that's not the whole story though sarah's biological father didn't only cheat on her mother he was a drug addict piece of crap that also used to beat her up frequently without getting into a lot of graphic detail in one instance when sarah's brother tried to intervene and protect her mother he ended up getting beat up too so when she saw me intervening and getting my ass kicked in the bar incidents it triggered some kind of ptsd in her head that she could not control that's why she had grown distant and eventually left it all spiraled out of control and she could not handle it in those two weeks we'd been apart she'd barely eaten or slept and even made some really dark thoughts which i'd rather not go into she told me she's a horrible girlfriend for leaving me alone in my condition and that she doesn't expect us to be together again after that which i told her isn't the case so we have a very long road ahead of us my number one priority right now is getting her to see a therapist which i suggested we can do together if she's scared to do alone so yeah that's where we are at some of you were right that there was some deeper issue behind what happened but i could not have possibly known i also want to take this opportunity to say something that i got messaged about a lot i got a lot of comments and messages saying that i was a [ __ ] for what i did at their parking lots and saying that i should mind my own business next time and not play the hero etc first of all i did not initiate the fight with the dude as i said when i got there i tried to pretend i was the boyfriend of one of the girls in case when that didn't work i got between the girls and the dude trying to create some space between them and that's when he started to push me and eventually started throwing punches secondly no matter how hard i hit the gym i would never be able to take that guy one-on-one as i said i'm pretty fit and i've been working out for several years but the fella was a lot bigger than me unless i had a gun or something which isn't legal in my country i was doomed finally for the people telling me to mind my own business well let me tell you what exactly i was doing it is mine and everyone else's responsibility to look after the ones who can't protect themselves in this crappy world no i do not consider myself a hero nor did i do it for the show i did it because in some other instance one of those girls could have been my girlfriend sister mother needing help and these girls were somebody else's girlfriend sister or mother if i was in that situation a hundred more times i would act the same edits i also talked to her about the proposal i wanted to make this year i was planning on doing it as a surprise but in the way the things have turned out i figured it would be better if she knows it first we both agreed that it should be delayed for now thank you for the updates and the additional information to add context i wish you well in your relationship as a girl i want to thank you opie for standing up for the two girls not a lot of people would have done that especially if they knew that they weren't as strong as the other person and it takes a whole lot of courage i'm glad they had someone to protect them and we really need more people like you yes i was attacked after ignoring cat calls on my way home from a late night class in university and if it weren't for a couple of brave and selfless lads who heard me crying out and threw themselves in to help me and got a broken jaw and a nose respectively i can't imagine how horribly my life would have changed that night some men are golden and opie is one i was attacked after ignoring cat calls on my way home from a late night class in university this makes me frustrated and angry and scared i hate that we have to consider some guy's feelings when we're being harassed just in case he decides ignoring him is some affront to his fragile ego and decides to prove his masculinity by hurting someone i'm so sorry that happened to you and thank god for those guys who didn't mind their own business and got involved exactly why i carry pepper spray everywhere i go there's good and bad people in this world and if i'm in the wrong place at the wrong time and some guy decides known means yes i have some kind of defense especially if there's no guy like op around don't listen to the people saying mind your own business op you are the salt of the earth those girls will likely never forget what you did for them and as a fellow female i seriously thank you for looking out for them you did well dude you did really well both in what you did standing in for those girls and what you were doing now with your girlfriend not every argument can be won by using fists and not every battle you fight you are going to win but doing the right thing is when you start actually winning for real and even though you may think you lost a fight you should understand and be happy with the fact that you won anyway you stood up for what was right and that's a win in my book if everyone did as the naysayers claim and minded your own business well it just makes the world a darker place unless people like yourself stand up even at risk of coming out the second best things just slowly turn to crap you and i and others here know that this is not the world we wish to live in so work through this with your girlfriend do the therapy and keep talking about things you'll both get to a much better place and live a long and happy life and never be afraid of doing what is right posted by user throw ra mixed babies titled my 29 male girlfriends 27 female dad discouraged me from proposing because their family isn't thrilled about us having dark babies me and my girlfriend naomi are an interracial couple with her being korean and me being black we've dated for just under five years now and for the past few months i've been planning on proposing i'm pretty traditional so i thought it would be a good idea to ask naomi's dad for his blessing before i proposed i asked earlier this month and when i arrived at their house i was greeted by naomi's mother and father who invited me in after a little talking i told them that i was going to propose and wanted their blessing her mother was ecstatic and her father didn't seem pleased and he told me it was okay for me to propose we talked more and the topic of babies was brought up by her mother i told her that i wanted to have kids with her and she got even happier we continued talking when i told them i needed to start heading home her mother said she would send me home with some food and left for the kitchen me and her dad have a small language barrier between us that usually is alleviated by either naomi or her mother so we kind of just sat there in silence he then told me this i'll clean it up but it was difficult to understand as he isn't great at english you are a very nice young man and we like you a lot we'd be happy to have you in our family but we are not too happy about you and her having dark babies i was stunned and kind of just awkwardly laughed we sat there for another two minutes before her mum came out with a wrapped plate when i got home i said nothing about this to naomi i know i needed to talk to her about what was said but i don't want to be the one that accuses her family of being racists and i know this is probably irrational but the way her father said it put the thought in my head that naomi might not want kids because of how dark i am how do i approach her about this in the least accusatory way possible she probably already knows you can ask her if she knows how they feel about you or if they've said anything about you two getting married and having kids she likely wants you but i suspect her parents racism is not news i guess she probably already has heard it before this is the first time i've ever felt anything akin to racism from them before her dad showed his true face he may have said we but don't immediately assume that includes his wife definitely this he's likely speaking for other people who don't share his opinion you're probably right that threw me off it seems like her mum wanted me to put a baby in her daughter he also waited for her to leave which is a good sign he knew that she wouldn't agree with it lots of old school asians are really racist it's a pretty known thing socially ingrained sounds like he still respects you and he may not mean it maliciously but in a way that says socially we will be looked down on by other asians yes this doesn't make it right but honestly don't take it to heart it's unfortunately a common belief among asians that dark is ugly he probably thought nothing of it when he said it and i don't think the wife was on the same boat with him you and your soon-to-be wife can break these ideologies you may be taking this the wrong way my grandmother is japanese well from a tropical island in okinawa which is claimed by japan anyway her english wasn't that great and my japanese is very bad my first fiance was mexican she tried to tell me something similar and i didn't understand my cousins who speak better english had to explain i don't think it's so much that your in-laws are racist that they're afraid your children may not be fully accepted outside their immediate family asian cultures as a whole don't like outsiders and mixed-race children while treated great inside their immediate family may not be fully accepted within the asian community as a whole my grandma was trying to tell me to be prepared and it's not even about individual races most asian communities don't even like other asians and basically everyone hates japanese people for being dicks during world war ii when i was in korea people told me all the time that i'd be so pretty if i lightened my skin i'm half asian half white they also told me i'd be so pretty if i would just dye my white hairs black laser my freckles off pluck my eyebrows wear better fashion the list goes on a lot of the people making these comments were strangers it's just a crazy image-oriented place i had friends there with good jobs who told me they spent 60 of their income on clothes and makeup a friend's mom casually offered to pay for freckle removal surgery for me while i was there it sounds less like the dad is racist then he's anticipating social hardship for them and for the baby and of course the people trying to avoid social hardship by living up to the social standards perpetuate the hardship if i were you the conversation i'd have with naomi would be about preparing both of you to navigate this aspect of korean culture together as a couple and as parents your kids are in fact going to get some crap from their korean relatives for being dark and for being too fat or too skinny or not dressed well enough or etc etc etc if not from their grandparents from the extended family or just people they run into if they ever visit korea it might be pretty good natured crap in a bunch of cases but it'll still be crap and it'll be good for you guys to have a game plan update my girlfriend's father discouraged me from proposing because their family isn't thrilled about us having dark babies thank you for your input it really helped me and most of y'all were right on the target yesterday afternoon i sat my girlfriend naomi down and had a conversation with her about what her dad said to me i tried to leave out any mention of proposal and told her i was in the neighborhood and decided to pop by terrible lie i know but she bought it i told her what her dad said about us having dark babies and asked if she had any similar feelings about our kids popping out half black she looked at me like i was out of my mind she told me she didn't give a freak about the colour of her kids as long as i was the dad which was reassuring she was not so happy with her dad she wanted us to take a drive over there and talk with her parents about it that evening we dropped by unannounced and when her mom opened the door to see us she immediately asked naomi to show her the ring naomi was confused and die about crap myself i like an idiot didn't call ahead to her parents that i hadn't proposed i guess her mum thought we were going to surprise her with the engagements and assumed i had already proposed i was speechless they began speaking in korean but from context i assume her mom was asking if i was too cheap to buy her an engagement ring and naomi looked at me and started hugging and kissing me my secret was out and i told her i had already asked her parent for their blessing she was a few seconds from crying but sucked it up so we could speak to her dad like i said in my og post my future father-in-law isn't great at english so he and naomi spoke in korean according to naomi she asked him why he told me that and he said he was worried about their extended family not viewing our babies as korean and being rude to them or me for being black i guess this did not come across well in english because he was just concerned for me and our kids he didn't care that our babies would have dark skin this was a huge relief her father isn't the racist their extended families are but like screw them who cares what they think i am just so glad that our future kids are going to have grandparents that are going to love them only downside is now naomi is expecting my proposal so i really gotta knock her socks off thanks so much for all the help good news is you're pretty much guaranteed to get a yes let us know how the proposal goes do you have any idea how you'll surprise her not yet lol my original plans got scrapped thanks to the pandemic and now my second plan got shot down now that she's expecting it hopefully plan three will be ironclad here is a different idea my husband proposed early in the am we had already planned a day out we just went to a pretty golf course to admire the flowers many have concession places where golfers can buy snacks and we got chocolate muffins then he proposed buy some flowers then we had the whole day together i had the whole day to admire my ring and just be with him we went for a lovely dinner can't remember what all we did lol i think we went for a walk on the sea wall you know pretty places but having the whole day to enjoy our engagements just together was fun don't take a long time planning just do it since the cat is essentially out of the bag i agree with the whole having time to just be together and admire the ring my now husband proposed in philadelphia on our way walking to the museum i'm an art nerd he pulled me into a little park area and proposed by a fountain i then spent all day staring at the ring instead of any of the arts but i was happy to just be able to be with him it was a weekend getaway so i didn't even update my social media or my parents or anyone until we got home it was nice posted by user throw r.a tuca titled my 29 male wife 27 female has been working from home the past few months and has started having her high school ex over a lot i told her this is unacceptable am i in the wrong for this hey everyone i know that the title may sound confusing without the background that i am about to give so ever since covert started my wife has been working from home my job never let us do that so i have still been driving to work every day she has a friend that she occasionally hangs out with he's been invited to hang out with both of us before too he's nice fun to hang around and pretty cool i've had no problem with this my wife made me aware pretty early on that she dated him in high school and she said that they dated their freshman in sophomore year they never had sex but did mess around they started reconnecting his friends during their senior year at that time he had a girlfriend and she was starting to see another guy as well she claims that after they broke up there was never anything romantic between them when curving started my wife said that she would be able to work from home i was glad and happy for her as i knew it would be easier and even save gas she said that her friend was going to be able to work from home too so they may meet up sometimes to go over their work and help each other they both work in a similar field one day i came home and noticed that he was there i thought nothing of it really as my wife had told me about this they both had their computers and looked like they were working pretty hard for a while it was like this suddenly a few weeks in i would come home and they would be casually hanging out and having fun sometimes they would be playing a game sometimes they would be drinking sometimes they would be eating i started finding this a little bit weird it seemed as though he was getting much more attention than me and that she was having a better time with him than me then one day when i came home it was the final straw they were both on the couch and her head was in his lap while they were watching tv i waited until after he left and then had a talk with her i was fuming i yelled at her and told her that their actions have been unacceptable and that there's no reason that she should be laying with a friend like that i expressed how i felt like she's been showing him more attention than her husband and that it seemed like they were having more fun together than we do not to mention that they had dated before and fooled around she got really upset and said that i had no right to tell her that she can no longer hang around someone she was mad that i seemed to claim that she was cheating on me with him and swore that she was not and would not do that she said that all they were doing was relaxing and that it was not wrong to lay her head on his lap the last two days he has not been at the house when i got home she says that she's not seen him since our talk i apologized for being so angry about it and she doesn't seem like she's really accepted my apology as she's been really quiet around me ever since how do i make things better is she cheating how do i handle things between her and this friend i agree with you when you said that they had computers out and were working hard i felt it seemed innocent enough however a woman putting her head in some guy's lap no no no boundaries are being crossed it is not appropriate and she knows it would she be okay if the situation was reversed thank you i don't like how everyone is automatically saying that it's wrong that the guy is over there in the first place sure it's weird that they dated but that was very many years ago i had no problem when they were working but what they did was taking it too far you were wrong she would never be okay with your ex coming over to work in your house also social distancing means no one comes over you are being blind sounds like you're making assumptions about the nature of their relationship rp says they work in the same field why is it weird if he's there to collaborate about work with kovid you shouldn't be collaborating in person there is no reason they couldn't call each other or do a video conference exactly that kind of defeats the purpose of social distancing and working from home someone else reckons set up a hidden ssid and at least one wireless camera and tape over slash disable the camera lights you are not going to like what you find i would probably go with this option better safe than sorry yeah spying your new spouse seems like a great option that a rational person who isn't a creepy control freak would do sarcasm can only hope the both of you grow out of this opinion yeah the head-on-lap thing is inappropriate but jesus christ this is morally bankrupt you do not record people in their own home without their consent your spouse is not your property don't get married if that's what you think marriage is about you're a dumb ass if you think you shouldn't act on your instincts and get proof of your wife cheating otherwise in your divorce you will be paying your alimony and retirement and everything you own because you didn't want to break trust when she broke the trust first do not listen to this guy someone else says you are not at all in the wrong here at first it seemed innocent enough but putting your head into the lap of someone you're not with is suspicious af she's right that you have no right to tell her to do something but since you explained and asked her to stop and she's being defensive like this i'm getting a ton of red flags if she's not cheating she's sure not showing respect for you as her partner it wouldn't surprise me if she is cheating though with how overly close they seem to be getting updates my wife has been working from home the past few months and has started having her high school ex over a lot i told her this is unacceptable so last week i posted here about my wife spending time at our house with an old ex that she used to have from high school he's been coming over and working from home with her ever since covert started at first i thought nothing of it as they were just simply helping each other with their work then they started hanging out and stuff more when i caught her laying down with her head on his lap i had enough i told her he could no longer come over she was mad and took offence to this but agreed most people here agreed with me that it was sketchy for her to do this i was made aware that he could still be coming over during the day and leaving before i get there i ended up buying a camera that i could set up and hide while i'm at work i put one in the living room and one in the bedroom the first day they were set up i saw nothing unusual the second day was when it happened the x came over at first they were just working but then he started to get pretty touchy with her it progressed until they ended up going to our bedroom and sleeping together i was shocked i wasn't sure what to do as soon as i saw my wife again i questioned her if she'd been seeing him anymore she denied it i told her that i had cameras installed in the house her face changed completely then she knew what i had seen she immediately started crying i told her to leave the house she tried to apologize and explain but i wasn't having any of it since then we've talked to each other once i told her that i don't see how anything can happen besides a divorce she said she doesn't want that and asked if i could go to couples counselling one time before making that final decision i reluctantly agreed i don't expect it to work and i'm mainly doing it to humor her i'm still looking and trying to contact divorce attorneys as i'm typing this i'm really sorry this happened to you i wish people could be honest and truthful the first time they're asked before evidence is released thank you me too it seems like lying and delaying the truth just makes it harder on both people therapists offices are a great place to break up built-in support they see it all the time i would recommend to skip the couple's counseling and just start your own individual therapy even if it hasn't fully hit you yet this type of behavior is going to affect every relationship you have moving forward it will help a lot to have someone to talk about all these things both are really helpful coming from someone this happened to the couple's therapy was incredibly validating even though i went into it knowing i would only take divorce as an option this it sounds weird but the goal of couples therapy isn't always to fix the relationship sometimes it's just to find closure figure out where things went wrong and how those things can be avoided in future relationships and how to interact with each other civilly despite intense feelings this is especially useful when there are kids involved i wouldn't say it's necessary but also not to write it off immediately someone else says don't let her fool you everything she's doing since being found out is an attempt to sweep this under the rug as fast as possible her desire to earn your trust back is simply a means to an end to her getting what she wants just like her cheating on you was about her getting what she wants with complete disregard for you if she really cared about how this affected you she'd be giving you space but she can't risk that because you might use it to realize this relationship is done she doesn't want that even if parting ways would be the healthiest option for you both she just wants what she wants and she'll do anything she can to get it it's not remorse it's fear what she's doing is flooding you with promises and apologies and emotional appeals in hopes that something will stick especially these blanket offers of i'll do anything you need me to as if it's your job to fix this as if there must be some solution and you're the unreasonable one if you can't come up with it opie please read these sentences your reluctant acceptance of couples therapy suggests that just as she's successfully played you when she lied about having an affair she is just trying to play you again i agree with this comment if you go to therapy with her her plan is to go darvo on you and by the end of the session you will be apologising to her for her cheating on you if she has her way fortunately it sounds like you were pretty solid but crazier things have happened on reddit posts please update all of us if you're up for it after the session she's not sorry she did it only that she got caught her version of therapy is going to be gaslighting him into believing he drove her to do this and it was somehow his fault op's priority should be to immediately freeze any account she has access to and he should not say a word to her until after he consults with an attorney someone else says first of all get tested for stds her friend might not be exclusive with your wife secondly so sorry about the demise of your marriage because even if you go to counselling and decide not to divorce her the marriage is over it was over the first time she broke her vow to you to forsake all others now you know she's an unfaithful deceitful liar that can look right into your face and demand apologies from you for having perfectly normal suspicions how could you ever trust her again keep looking for that lawyer not sure if first of all get tested for stds was intended to be interpreted literally so for good measure hiv cannot reliably be detected until three months after infection from mopey's post it sounds as though this guy's been hanging around in the background for some time there's no telling how long she's actually been cheating with him op has just very recently become aware of the infidelity but it could have been going on for a while oh posted by user throw ra rocker co titled my male 21 girlfriend female 23 obsession with pokemon is embarrassing me so my girlfriend loves pokemon sometimes when we go out she will ask me if it's all right if she checks for some pokestops on pokemon go when someone we know talks about pokemon my girlfriend gets really excited and wants to be friends on pokemon go right away she also has many pokemon plushies all of them in our shared bedroom at first it was cute but my friends are starting to make fun of me for dating a child my girlfriend is very mature and an amazing partner but when i brought up how her obsession with pokemon is embarrassing for her age she felt insulted and told me her liking and playing pokemon is no different than me playing league of legends and minecraft still my buddies are making fun of us and i'm afraid she'll get hurt once she hears them what do i do how do i convince her she should maybe turn it down a little my friends are visiting us and i'm sure they will make fun of her once they see all of her plushies get some new friends they're our mutual friends so she would need to know they make fun of her i don't want her to know really because i know she will get hurt they sound like crap friends for mocking her behind her back and you sound like a pretty poor boyfriend for not sticking up for your girlfriend or respecting her interests fyi my girlfriend is 31 and she's a pokemon knight thank you those are crap friends wtf i'm personally insulted by this me and my husband met playing pokemon go we still play every single day none of our friends would dare to insult our interest simply because we all understand what respect of individuality is you need to grow some balls and tell them to shut the hell up and stop taking the piss out of your girlfriend and her harmless hobby and if they continue you need to get better friends for the record my wife and i both love pokemon and we're in our 30s hubby and i are 48 and 46 and we're playing what else is there to do when your city and country is still on lockdown lie down try not to cry cry a lot oh my god this is so sad you should embrace her love for pokemon since it brings her happiness if your friends make fun of her tell them they can leave a lot of people enjoy things other people find childish but they shouldn't have to change what they enjoy so other people think they are grown up let your girlfriend enjoy what she enjoys as much as she wants to enjoy it if your friends don't like it well screw them i would love to just tell them to freak off but there are mutual friends so my girlfriend will eventually find out they're making fun of her not as hard as she's going to be when she finds out her boyfriend was letting them talk crap about something she loves behind her back it's time to sack up and be a man never let anyone friend or not make fun of your girlfriend behind her back not even be a man just be a decent human update my girlfriend's obsession with pokemon is embarrassing me i've decided to post this update because you were all right i didn't have a girlfriend problem i had a friend's problem so i had to talk with my girlfriend like one of the users have suggested i explained to her that i'm not ashamed of her hobby i just didn't want her to know what our friends were seeing behind her back she said she doesn't care about their opinion she's just doing what she's enjoying the most i apologize to her she has also agreed to move her pokemon plushies so they wouldn't take up so much space fast forward to today a few hours ago our friends have visited us it didn't take long for them to start making fun of my girlfriends this time i got mad she organized her plushies so that they were all in our bedroom she has not even once mentioned pokemons nor did she open the pokemon go app long story short they were forced to leave i've realized they don't have a problem with my girlfriend's hobby they have a problem with my girlfriend and i have enabled their behavior by not reacting sooner i told them they're the ones who need to grow up and to visit us again once they stop being boomers to show my girlfriend how sorry i am and to better understand her hobby i've downloaded the app myself so now i'm trying to level up as much as i can because she has a mission when she needs to trade a pokemon with a friend but to do so i need to be at least level 10. thank you for all your comments even the mean ones they worked as a wake-up call i guess i'll be damned an individual who was able to recognize their shortcomings and bounce back accordingly you sir are a gentleman in the making yup ropi is a great guy and more of us men should strive to be similar put your ego aside to recognize the mistakes you've made apologize and make amends compromise with your partner this is one of the rare cases where the friends were actually a-holes usually i see the friends trying to warn someone about red flags and whatnots very well handled bro your decision to play pokemon with your girlfriend is the best you could make and you're gonna have lots of fun together i started playing minecraft with my boyfriend when we started liking each other and it's even now after three years a good bonding activity and a common hobby i'm actually playing minecraft and my girlfriend decided to play the games i usually play too it really was the best decision i feel like we're actually getting closer honestly this whole post is so freaking adorable i hope to find a girlfriend who makes me feel just as you do right now one day you're an awesome person in my opinion the true self is not based upon just the actions and how you deal with your day-to-day but when hardship happens what path you choose to take and how you take it take great pride in your ability to look at yourself and accepting what you were doing wrong and finding a path to better yourself and your relationship it's more rare than you think also never lose that ability we will forever need to discover things within ourselves that we could do better in a moment of difficulty yes and also his girlfriend didn't freak out or go overboard when he told her she decided she wanted him to be more comfortable and moved her plushies and that speaks volumes on her character yes this part too both sides handled the situation perfect instead of one side or the other making a huge change and things worked out great funny how things work posted by user throw ra89340927 titled i had to kick my girlfriend out of my house because she was scaring my brother i'd like to start by saying that english is not my first language so if i make any mistakes i would like to apologize beforehand i'm going to use a throwaway account because i know that both my girlfriend and her parents use reddit also i'm sorry for the long post so on to the situation my girlfriend 23 female and i 24 female have been together for two years now my family always loved her and she even had a good relationship with my brother 16 male as well last year my brother was diagnosed with a certain disease that almost took his life my brother always had a low immune system which made everything even worse my brother's still recovering but in a much better condition right now but unfortunately he ended up losing his sight in both eyes legally speaking he can be considered blind right now when social isolation started to happen because of the most recent events i decided to speak with my parents about how it would be better if my brother lived with me by the time being my parents agreed happily they both are essential workers and they wouldn't have much time to stay with my brother he is still getting used to his new life as a blind person and is still adapting to how to live with it if he needed help with anything my parents wouldn't be able to help and also because my brother already has a bad immune system and it wouldn't be a good idea for him to live in a house with our parents who would constantly be dealing with patients who may or may not be sick i can work from home and they also have a lot of free time so if he ever needed help i would be more than available to help him so it was a win-win situation i also invited my girlfriend to live with me she has a very good house of her own but we could be together so why not right everything was good and fine but recently i noticed that my brother became to not be himself anymore i mean even with all of this happening with him he was always cheerful and happy and always trying to look at the good side in all of this but recently he started to become more shy and introverted when my girlfriend was around and i found that strange yesterday i was in my living room reading a book and my brother was in the kitchen drinking a cup of water my girlfriend just approached him and said just good morning she just got up at 7 30 am i noticed my brother gets scared i thought that was just an isolated incident she must have caught him by surprise so i didn't pay much attention to it but today i was hearing music while preparing our lunch and my brother was sitting on the kitchen talking with me i noticed someone approaching and i saw that it was my girlfriend when she noticed we were hearing music she started to walk slowly as if she didn't want to make sound she got behind my brother and quickly holds his shoulders and shouted hello there how you doing general kenobi my brother said he wanted to stay alone and went to his room i was ticked at her i asked her what did she thought she was doing by scaring him that way she told me that she has read on the internet and also from her mother that scaring a blind person is a good thing because it makes them more aware of their surroundings i started to connect the dots and asked her for how long she's been scaring my brother like that she taught me around two weeks up to three times a day if possible in her words i was seeing red at that moment i asked her to never do that again it didn't take much it was almost 4 p.m today and i was watering my garden when i heard my brother shout when i got back inside he was shouting to my girlfriend to leave him alone i ended up getting in a fight with her and i tried every single thing that i could to show her that it wasn't okay to do that to a blind person and that she needed to stop or else she would have to come back to her house she promised me to never do it again tonight i was making dinner and she did again i didn't know what to do anymore we got into a huge fight and i ended up telling her to go back to her house she argued with me that i was being unfair and that she's just trying to help i still refuse to let her stay and she just went to her home she's been bombarding my cell phone the entire night about its that it was wrong for me to do that and i should never have kicked her out over something so trivial as that i haven't been answering and i don't even know how to i feel like i shouldn't have just kicked her out of my house but i don't feel like it would have been a safe space for my brother if she just goes around scaring him my brother told me he didn't say anything to me before because he didn't want to cause problems as he was a guest i don't think she would stop if she came back she has a history of being a little bit stubborn sometimes but never something like this that would affect other people i don't know how to respond to her should i let her back to my house but setting some ground rules should i not allow her back until my brothers are back to my parents house other than this she was always a loving girlfriend and always treated me into my family with nothing but respect and love i don't know how to go on from this do you honestly want to be with someone who thinks it's okay to emotionally traumatize a blind person especially someone who is recently blind and already dealing with more than enough emotional trauma from that your girlfriend is cruel knowingly deliberately maliciously cruel at the very least never have her around your brother again or he'll stop trusting you like he no longer trusts her not only that when her partner came to her with concerns and asked her to stop she ignored him because she knew better this is what abusers do dude her brother even told her to stop before that she's an amazing big sister opie rocks for having her bros back both you and your brother have clearly let her know what she's doing is not okay she makes you feel bad for even asking her to stop lies and says she won't do it again then scares him the same day this is clearly having a big effect on your brother's life he's vulnerable and is already having a hard time and now he feels like he needs to fight off someone who is bigger older and abled she is being borderline abusive my advice break off any connection with her and keep protecting your brother from any harm your brother is already hurting inside he's in pain from newly becoming blind it's a very hard pill to swallow it's not something you get over with in a year or two he likely needs therapy and like you said before he's just getting used to not seeing and is having trouble adjusting to your place that's the very last thing he needs on his plate she was deliberately cruel to him and crossed his personal boundaries your brother not just you made it perfectly clear to her that he didn't like her scaring him but she ignored his pleas if you want to permanently risk your relationship with your brother and to or his mental well-being go back to her otherwise tell her to kick rocks because that was straight up abusive what would happen if you had a disabled child with her she can't even respect your little brother as a human being updates i had to kick my girlfriend out of my house because she was scaring my brother hello everyone i would like to thank you all for your time and of course for commenting on my original post and would like to thank you all for your advice i would like to start by saying that i decided to get in contact again with my girlfriend and i decided to talk to her of course i didn't let her back into my home and i didn't want to talk on any other place than here she called me to go to her house i started by asking her where did she get the advice that she saw in the internet that said scaring blind people was a good thing to be done she was very reluctant to tell me but when i pressured her a little bit more she ended up telling me apparently there was no article no research no elaborate study nothing the advice she got came from her friends on facebook chat and she just went along with it she also told me she lied about her mother telling her that to clarify her mother is a social worker where we live so she thought that if she said that her mother had also said it that would make her friend's advice a little more credible because she couldn't find any article or study i tried to ask her about why she would think that her friend's advice was good when she could do nothing to corroborate it she didn't want to answer i asked her then why she would ignore me when i told her to stop and keep scaring my brother she told me that she didn't think i would find it that bad and that if i really loved her i would just ignore it because she was trying to help and that she feels that i don't love her because i would choose my brother over her just because now he's crippled her own words on something so trivial and that he should grow up and deal with his problems himself and i as her girlfriend should be on her side always of course i was very angry at this answer and we ended up getting into another fight in her words i shouldn't have asked my brother to come live with me but as i ended up asking he should just be quiet and obey and accept what we do because we know better for being adults before going to our house i took some people's advice and i decided to ponder about our relationship until that moment and looking back i could see a lot of things i believe i didn't want to see first every single approach on our relationship was taken by me one to date i was the one inviting her let's go see a movie i always had to be the one to invite her romantic time i had to start always looking back the entire relationship looks one-sided second she doesn't look like she cares much about boundaries from the start she disregarded every single boundary i've had before i never took much action about them because they were small things i believe that if i had made myself more clear before it wouldn't get to a point where it would cause problems to my brother i made a decision i didn't want to break up but if we were to continue a relationship with her all of this would have to change i talked with her and told her that i didn't want to break up but if we were to continue a relationship first she would not be allowed near my brother and wouldn't be welcome to my house when my brother is there second she would have to apologize to him and promise that this time she would respect that promise that what was done wouldn't happen again and third she would have to go to counseling with me those were my terms and if we were to continue together things had to change she got mad at me cursed at me told me i was an idiot to choose family over her and that i was crazy to end a relationship over this i talked with her about those things that i mentioned earlier and she called me stupid that this is what a good relationship looks like of course we got into another fight in the end she wasn't willing to compromise and make the relationship work so i decided to end things yep we broke up of course i left her house being called a lot of names i blocked her on my cell phone and social media and right now i'm focusing on my brother it hurts a lot that the person that i've been calling the love of my life recently could be that cold but i guess it was for the better a lot of you recommended therapy and counseling for my brother he is already on it before coming to my house he was already on it i would like to thank you all for your advice i don't think i would have ever looked back at my own relationship if it hadn't got to that point and i don't think it would be safer to continue in that relationship anymore she already disregarded boundaries with me i didn't do anything about it and it got to a point where it ended up affecting my brother very badly and i feel very guilty for that thank you all for your help and for your kind words of comfort edits it looks like a lot of people are misreading or didn't see my original post i am also a woman and my girlfriend is a woman as well wow i'm so sorry she is delusional or perhaps simply self-centered and selfish if she thinks a good relationship is just one where she gets everything she wants and gets to do whatever she wants no matter how it impacts others so you are absolutely better off without her be thankful that you've learnt that now and not later rp your ex is a horrible person as time goes by and you continue to reflect on her behavior the hurt will fade and be replaced by both anger and this realization you did the right thing now give yourself time to heal and let this sink in it takes time for your brain to make the emotional transition between love of my life who i rationalize everything for so i can see as a good person to horrible girl that tortured my disabled brother and took advantage of me at first you'll be sad and miss her don't give in and don't contact her ever again there's nothing to be gained from it and she doesn't deserve a second more of your time let alone a chance to weasel her way back into your life once you heal and time has passed you are going to be so glad you made this choice i don't care if she looks like a supermodel this girl is so ugly inside that she was literally ruining your brother's life and yours be proud of yourself for doing the right thing stay strong and continue to protect yourself and your family i'm rooting for you posted by user throw ra excelled by fam titled i 36 male have refused to go to the future waiting of my now ex-wife 37 female and it's really affecting the relationship with our kids thought i'd give this a chance to see if i can get some insight into my situation as i can't see what i've done that's so wrong and what i can do to remedy it so we've been married 15 years together longer and have three kids she's a daughter from her first relationship who's now 18 i class her as mine as i've done everything for her and we have a 16 year old and 13 year old sons now she was upfront and honest when we got together that she was bi and it was never an issue last year until she said she thought that she was ultimately a lesbian and had fallen in love with her now fiance 35 female and it led to a divorce as i was unwilling to open the relationship or consider a poli situation so we've been divorced a year although we're still good friends and have a good co-parenting relationship even though we're good i still am suffering and can't say i'm even close to moving on yet the kids live with her primarily although i see them multiple times a week and can say if i didn't have them i'd have nothing so basically i got a call from my ex earlier on in the week saying that she had to tell me something that she's now engaged i was shocked as hell basically she said they're not going to do the typical thing and have a long engagement they're looking at getting married as soon as lockdown has been lifted and they're on about moving in together as soon as possible but wait there's more she said she wants to have me as her best man as she still considers me her best friend and can't think of anyone else she'd rather have there suffice to say i told her that i wasn't happy with it and said i'm not going to be her best man or don't think it's a good idea for me to be at the wedding and definitely don't like the idea of moving someone in around my kids after a year now my kids love the fiance my kids are always talking about her suffice to say she was upset and we haven't spoken since i mean if that was just it then i wouldn't be that upset i mean in what way does going to a wedding seeing my wife marry the woman who she left me for seemed like a good idea and to be the best man my kids found out though somehow and are really upset my daughter particularly really went off and she thought that i was better than that and if i don't go to the wedding she'll never talk to me again the youngest two don't want to come and see me this week and have also refused to talk to me i'm still close and have a relationship with my in-laws and they've also been on my case saying i should go especially for my kid's sake here is where i need help and someone to talk to what do i do i mean the last thing i want to do is be false and go to a wedding watching the woman who i thought i'd be with forever marry someone else yet i hate the thought that my kids are suffering and the prospect of not having them in my life even if it's for a short while is like torture help i get it it took me seven years to get over the hurt of my ex cheating before i felt able to pursue another ltr so why she or anyone thinks you should be dealing with it like a man after a year is insane in my opinion especially after a 15-year relationship your kids are old enough for you to tell them the truth about how you're feeling and how you're unable to deal with her request this soon after the divorce if they can't accept your decision then maybe use analogies they can understand about their own lives ultimately stick by your guns your mental health is more important and it sounds like you need to focus on your healing right now absolutely i mean i do not feel in any way shape or form ready to start dating or get into a relationship yet however she's been trying to push me to date even trying to set me up with a suitable woman that she knows she feels guilty and thinks i would be a great catch for someone and deserve someone who appreciates me which is old dandy but i just don't want it yet i am trying to get through to our oldest so i can talk about it to her she's 18 and the one they all look up to and if i can at least get her to understand then it might help the other two come around i'm sure it would all be very hip and reasonable and mature to do this in her eyes but man this would be so very very raw for me your children really need to hear that you get to have a point of view as well they don't get to dictate this to you if your daughter pushes this to a point where she feels like she won't speak to you again realize you can't control that you can only control what you say or you do in response i would say something to the effect of i'm very sorry you couldn't see my point of view or don't respect it which certainly is the impression i get when i hear this from you please realize that i am in the process of healing from this relationship's breakup and my emotions don't turn on and off like a light switch i will heal in my own time right now i don't particularly feel like walking the one-time love of my life down an isle to marry someone else i am not ready for that so soon i may never be if this is something you can't accept or won't accept i understand i wish you a long and happy life a partner that never leaves you and know that i love you and will always be here to talk if you feel like bridging that barrier someday damn you managed to put what he should say into words perfectly i can't believe your ex and kids can't understand why this is hard for you this isn't an episode of friends you and not ross and you can't just get over this kind of pain and show up smiling at her wedding like you're in a half hour tv episode i'm so sorry you might need to talk to a counselor to work through this kind of hurts a counselor may be able to explain things to your kids too there is no timetable for healing it's different for everyone best of luck to you my friend i know it isn't going to happen immediately but i truly hope you find your happiness with someone amazing eventually when you're ready i also disagree with the others would you tell him to go if his ex-wife asked him to be her best man if she was going to marry another guy no then what's the difference opie has no obligation to be part of his ex marrying someone else wow it's hilarious how much worse that sounds when it really isn't any yeah because the stereotype that lesbian relationships are not to be taken serious or a no threat to men is still very much alive but i agree this is some nonsense rp's kids need to learn some compassion for others and how to protect your mental health updates i have refused to go to the future wedding of my now ex-wife and it's really affecting the relationship with our kids basically everything all moved forward today so i basically thought i'd be best to reach out to my daughter so i messaged her along the lines of hey i know you're not talking to me now but i think we really need to talk to my surprise she agreed and came over very quickly basically i said to her that as she's an adult i won't sugarcoat things now i'm really not in a good place and her mom getting married to her girlfriend and asking me to be best men is a bit too much for me when i'm struggling to move on with my life she said that she sort of understands but it hit her close to home she then came out to me as a lesbian herself she said she's known for a while now she told her mum and my ex a while ago but wasn't sure how to tell me and because of the way i reacted to the wedding she was worried i wouldn't be able to accept it i reassured her that i love her dearly and i'm proud of her for being honest with me and stressed the way i feel about her mom and her now fiance is nothing to do with the fact that they're lesbians but because she's my ex-wife and i can't just turn my feelings off like that i'd feel exactly the same if her mom was marrying a dude we hugged it out and she said she'd talk to my brother and see if she can get them to come around because they live with mum and they see the fiancee often they see her and love her a lot so they don't understand i said to her i can't promise i would go to the wedding eventually but if i feel up to it i may try but it will be hard for me while she was there she facetimed her mom from her phone and i got a chance to talk to my ex i basically was honest said i feel like she blindsided me and sprung it on me without thinking about how i feel especially putting me on the spot about making me her best man i said the invitation to the wedding was one thing but that was a bit too much for me she took it all in and apologized and admitted it's because she's all loved up and her family are giving her all the platitudes about how happy and proud they are so she got caught up in the moment she asked me how i feel about it now i said in all honesty it's a bit too much to consider at the moment but i definitely am not going to be her best man regardless she understands and said that she won't expect that of me but if i didn't want to go to the wedding itself would i be interested in just going to the reception i said in all honesty i don't know if i can and she shouldn't expect me to she agreed and said she'll leave it to me and will try to understand if i can but would be made up if i can the boys were there so i asked if she could put them on but they didn't want to talk to me honestly that feels like a punch in the balls so i left it there before it started me crying and she saw it and i let my daughter leave so i could be on my own i've never liked her to see me too emotional especially crying so there you have it we've all made peace as such but there's a long way to go yet edits a lot of people have said about her cheating whilst she did meet her now fiance before we split i don't believe there was physical intimacy possibly an emotional thing but i don't believe they got together until we split edit 2 a lot of people have picked up on me not showing emotion around my kids i do show emotion around them i'm loving funny affectionate humble etc and i do show sadness at things like funerals but i generally don't like them to see me cry especially at things like this posted by user throw ray confused mo titled my best friend wants me to work with my abuser on her wedding i have a best friend we'll call her tina who have known most of my life we have had a strong friendship from middle school all the way until we graduated from the same college have always been there for each other and i tell her pretty much everything back in junior year of high school we'll call him rod took advantage of me at a house party he never apologized for it and to put me in a deep downward spiral to the point where i almost wanted to drop out in order to never see his face again i told tina about it and she did everything she could to support me fast forward to early 2020 tina and her boyfriend josh announced that they were getting engaged and tina wanted to be the maid of honor i was beyond excited to do it we've always talked about being each other's maids of honor there was another detail though josh had a similar friendship history with his best men and they thought it would be adorable if the maid of honor and best men worked together on everything and were their own second package on the wedding day i guess it was their way of making us feel a little more excited for weddings of our own i found out that the best man was going to be rod and that he and josh remained best friends after high school i thought rod was just in the friend group but it turns out they were just as close as could be my heart sunk and i simply didn't know how to respond they expected us to work together and be together the whole wedding process and that sounded like literal hell i started thinking about whether tina never told josh or that josh heard and just didn't care all i know is that i was having second thoughts about the wedding after that i texted tina about my concerns with rod [ __ ] in the most polite way possible and she sent me this in reply i know about what happened with you guys back in the day but rod seems to be a great guy now it would just really mean a lot if you can push that memory away for the duration of this please just trust me i don't know how to respond to this and luckily the wedding planning process has been at a halt since covered i haven't responded to her since that text but now this has been really bugging me should i just say no it would probably break her heart but i just don't know if i can handle working with my abuser help say no if she wants you to do this she is not your friend period if my fiance was friends with someone who took advantage of my friend i would be making an ultimatum that the friendship with the abuser ends good lord no do not feel bad about this i am angry on your behalf this i don't knowingly associate with those types and i sure as hell wouldn't marry someone who knowingly does as well let alone my best friend's abuser what the actual hell kind of people are these it seems to me these are the people who pretend to support you but don't actually think what happened is what it is and it just happens at parties and that the guy thought it was consensual that's the kind of people they seem like to me gross someone else says i'm truly happy for you that you were getting married to the man you love and was incredibly honoured to be your mih i really did want to share your happiness with you but working alongside the man who took advantage of me as a child one who hasn't even showed a shred of remorse for his actions to me his victim is impossible it is not just a bad memory it's a trauma i would have forgotten it if i could it's not something i choose to live with i would have loved to make your day as special as i could but i have to protect myself i am not working alongside an abuser especially my own abuser and i'm disappointed that you would even ask this of me as if it was something so simple i am disgusted that you would even go so far as to tell me he's a great guy after what he did to me what i now have to live with for the rest of my life and that you would choose to prioritize my abuser over me i cannot be happy for you on the day of your wedding if i am spending the entire time reliving my experience and i cannot celebrate a friend who would put me in harm's way and ask for me to sacrifice all progress i've made over the years for the sake of an unnecessary second package wedding bonus i hope you have a wonderful wedding and life with josh i will no longer be able to attend and am cutting my ties here opie here's a suggested response if you would like to use any of it sometimes wording can be hard and people are suggesting some fantastic alternative responses and mindsets to use if you wish she does not get to expect this view she is minimizing your incidence for her own sake but i understand if you don't want to send her a barrage of angry responses in the politest way i can muster at the moment hope you are doing well and have other friends that you can rely on for genuine support 100 you should say no her opinion of he seems like a great guy now and just trust me is so unbelievably inconsiderate and neglects the impact of what rod has done to you no friend should ever put you in a position like this and it's well within reason to politely say no and hold your ground right what the frick kind of friend is this tell her what if she got taken advantage of told her boyfriend and the boyfriend was like oh but i know him he's actually a great guy would she not feel like utter crap what is wrong with people like her that literally think the world revolves around them and as soon as it doesn't they just dismiss anything getting in the way of it doing so so that it can go back to revolving around them again she is a sociopath opie i know you want to be considerate towards your friends and say things as lightly and non-confrontationally as possible but it's time to love yourself now stay firm on what you believe respect yourself here screw confrontation and screw up setting her and her stupid wedding you've been subjected to a lifelong trauma so screw her wedding for three seconds i tried to be diplomatic in my last message so as not to hurt your feelings but i'm going to put this as firmly and bluntly as possible so there is zero misunderstanding i will not be working in close proximity with my former abuser it makes no difference to me how nice he is these days i'm glad he is no longer subjecting women to disgusting acts but i am unfortunately not one of those women i am sad that a horrific event that changed my life is being minimized but it can't be helped as you haven't experienced this yourself so i understand how the horror of it can be hard to fully grasp i really do wish you the happiest day and i would give everything to be there however i will 100 not be present near that man and that is non-negotiable it really really really needs to be non-negotiable and you need to state that your feelings on this are final they are not to be minimized or put down or cast away for the sake of a wedding and if they choose not to work with you to ensure their friends and the selfish woman's best friend is happy then that is on them if their wedding falls apart due to the need to reorganize crap and get a new maid of honor it would be because they tried to trample all over your boundaries instead of hearing you out and adjusting as necessary to a specific and sensitive situation in other words that is on them remember that updates my best friend wants me to work with my abuser on her wedding first of all thank you all so much for the support on my post i did not expect it to gain that much attention i guess a lot happened since then i don't know if it's even been a week yet but this is going to change my life perhaps for the better there were hundreds of comments and i thought i'd address a few questions regarding the incident itself i don't appreciate how some of these were asked but i'll share anyway for the sake of clarifying things 1. was i under the influence yes but i remember vividly saying no i was drunk enough to have all my strength and mobility wonky but i didn't black out or anything the force he used on me didn't seem that of someone who was drunk he looked completely sober but i could be wrong i remember a couple of times when i was trying to lift myself off the bed and he would push me back down i remember the expression on his face and like you guys said i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy that's all i'm willing to share for now the only person who knows all the details is tina is it bad that i wish she knew nothing maybe it would hurt less 2. why didn't i report it because i saw how that turned out for the other girls i knew i've had a few other friends not tina who have had the same thing happen to them and nothing came of reporting it and it made them feel worse just the few comments calling me a liar stung so i can't imagine how i would have felt back as my unstable teen self not only that i was scared of what rod would do if he found out i had reported him there was just something about him that made me never want to cross him reading all your comments it seems pretty clear that how tina was treating me was extremely inconsiderate and i should find a new friend although it was a huge slap in the face i came to my senses and believed that i couldn't be around someone who would do that to me some of you said to expose them during vows but that's just not the kind of person i am and it might not turn out well a few of you gave me example texts i could send which i'm extremely thankful for but i decided to send this i've had time to think about it and i just can't be your maid of honor anymore it's so hurtful that you're telling me to pack up my trauma for who knows how long until your wedding day i just can't do it i don't think i will come at all knowing that he's going to be there i'm sorry it's pretty weak but it's probably the meanest text i've ever sent an hour later i get a call from josh he asked me what was going on with me and tina and that she was extremely upset a part of me snapped and i said i don't know what's going on with you making someone who took advantage of me the best man i don't usually blurt things out like that he was confused and i repeated myself he was silent for a few seconds and then asked if he could come over i was a little wary of the idea but i said sure i know we should be social distancing but this really needed to be discussed he comes to my apartment 40 minutes later without tina i have never hung out with josh one on one before it was always with tina josh always had a really cute and sweet personality and have always approved of him when it came to dating her he was really only a friendly acquaintance to me though we sat down and spoke for over an hour tina had told josh that the reason i wasn't coming to the wedding was that i didn't want to work with rod because i had a crush on him and thought she was forcing the relationship too much so basically she said we had a petty girl fight my jaw hit the floor and i was fuming she obviously never told josh what ron did to me i shared that ron had taken advantage of me back in high school and that tina knew about it i asked if he knew too he said he didn't but he did say that a few crazy [ __ ] falsely accused him of it in senior year this obviously didn't include me since i only told tina and a few family members josh believed him at the time but i guess after hearing me say it it's starting to dawn on him that it's his friend was a liar here's something that i didn't expect josh shared with me that he was taken advantage of when he was a kid by an older brother of a friend he had he said that if he was forced to work with said brother on a wedding he would absolutely refuse he apologized heavily on behalf of tina but i won't forgive unless she says it herself i know some of you may think josh is lying but i believe him i could see it by josh's face and body language that the realization really weighed down on him and i felt bad in a way we were both going through a betrayal i asked if he was okay to go home and he said yes he thanked me for telling him and left i don't know if i'll stay in touch with him but i was beyond furious with tina at this point i was expecting an angry text coming from her and sure enough i got it like midnight she went off saying that i'm going to end up destroying their marriage how could i do that to her etc etc i just pressed the block button and went to bed quickest decision i've ever made i'm feeling a little down in the dumps right now yet slightly relieved i'm going to try to connect with other friends and try to move on from this if i'm feeling brave enough i might try to find these crazy [ __ ] and see if we can make a case against rod knowing that there are other victims makes me feel so guilty that i want to scream sorry it's not too happy of an ending but i think it might have been more unhappy if i decided to go along with it thank you reddits i'm livid for you opie screw that noise tina showed her true colors and never told josh the truth josh sounds like a decent guy you should stay in touch with him especially since it sounds like in the reckoning with josh and tina he's going to have to clean house ending toxic friendships there may be pressure on him to rug sweeps so hearing a voice of reason like yours may be a help tina doesn't deserve him nor does she deserve your friendship she's a liar and betrayer she chose to protect an abuser all to not make waves it wasn't like her fiance was pressuring her to include rod knowing everything she made the executive decision to hide it and lie about why you backed out of the wedding terrible maybe this is a bit hasty since info on their relationship is limited but i hope josh just breaks up with her he seems like a very emotionally mature person he deserves better i found out that my fiance had known my best friend was an abuser for years and never said anything i'd end that relationship imagine having to look back on years worth of conversations and memories and realize that the guy you were hanging out with was an abuser potentially a serial abuser too josh now has to deal with that plus probably has some major anxiety over every encounter rod ever had with a woman in the time they've known each other also seeing as rod is so close to josh was tina seriously fine hanging out with rod this whole fudging time just chilling with her best friend's abuser what a psycho this is a somewhat wonderful update while disappointed to see your friend tina failing at being a friend it brings me pleasure to see josh is a great human being and you were no longer working with that scumbag named rod you just saved yourself a lot of headache and emotional pain and probably saved josh from a horrible person win-win really posted by user throw repo titled i 38 mail just found out that my brother 19 male has been perving on my wife throw away because i'm still the only one that knows background my brother has been staying with us since lockdown after his university closed he couldn't stay with our parents because they just sold the house and moved to a one-bedroom apartment and our sister lives in a different part of the country he was the oops baby relatable so i hope that explains the age gap my wife and i have a 5 bedroom home but currently don't have children yet we decided to adopt two kids in our 40s so we let him stay here my brother has always been different he's a bit of a loner and doesn't have a lot of friends outside of his online group he's a shy geeky kid but he's otherwise all right or so i thought when you get to know him so here is what happens the wi-fi doesn't quite reach my brother's room so he usually does his schoolwork and other stuff in the dining room a few nights ago i was walking to the fridge after waking up in the middle of the night wife and i sleep early and i saw my brother working on something else and as i got closer i saw a very compromising picture of my wife cleavage shot as she was gardening he noticed me and quickly closed the window like he was watching porn i was too shell-shocked to say anything at the time and he just smiled awkwardly and ran to his room with a laptop when i realized that something was up i knew i had to find out the next day i asked my brother to pick up some groceries and some lunch for us while he was away i went to his room something i've never done since he moved and well it wasn't pretty i saw a couple of my wife's bras and some of her panties which i can only assume he used to pleasure himself i took his laptop and screw it decided to snoop i knew his password because i borrowed his crunchyroll accounts to watch this anime my friend recommended i don't usually watch anime there i saw some of the most sickening entries i've read there were pictures of my wife in a towel her working out her in compromising positions etc all taken without her consent by the looks of it this guy even logs every time he touches himself to the image of my wife the creepiest part he sometimes listens in on us when we have sex my wife can be a bit loud but we didn't think it would be a problem since his bedroom was in a different part of the house the guest bedroom i left the room feeling like i needed a shower it was absolutely disgusting now i don't know what to do i find myself fighting the urge to pummel him into the next week every time that i see him i haven't even told my wife yet because i'm 100 sure she would feel violated and disgusted so i want to find the best solution first before doing so i so desperately want to kick him out but he has nowhere else to go even if i do what should i tell my parents the truth this will most likely break the family apart i do plan on telling my wife soon but if i do i can almost guarantee she would want nothing to do with him and would never want to visit the family if he was around i'm so fudging lost right now any advice will help still finding the urge to beat my brother to a bloody pulp edits if you're wondering i did take pictures as proof small updates i told my wife the redditors who said i should tell her first before anything because she was the victim here were absolutely right i'm giving her all the power to decide what to do about it a lot has happened but there are still things that need to be settled too long to add here and two incomplete to make a new update post hopefully we'll have everything settled tomorrow or the day after i'll write the update once everything is settled and i calm down no i'm not going to beat up my brother but i have thought about it and to the people asking for the pics you're disgusting and i hope the women in your life are proud of you that's my wife please have some respect swansbig says the only reason you busted him that night was because he was working in the part of the house with wifi no way would he risk having that laptop out of his bedroom unless he needed the internet i hope it's not true but those pics are now likely in places other than just the laptop i was thinking about that too if it was just pictures why did he need the internet to look at them if it's real he's posting them somewhere guaranteed he has an online backup i would guess in his google drive hopefully just cause he's got them saved in the clouds there must be some kind of online diary too he's 19. he's an adult and he knows damn well what he did and that it's wrong make a copy of everything record it with your phone have proof of everything whether you want to confront him or go straight to the police is up to you but i'd definitely be kicking him to the curb that instant also his parents definitely need to know so he doesn't try blaming you or lying about it show them everything he has nowhere else to go that's his problem opie he shouldn't have done all of that if he wanted to live easy during all this time to face consequences for his actions prioritize your wife's safety and comfort in her own home my nephew got himself into a similar situation this is definitely one of those issues that divides a family and you're just going to have to accept that you have a responsibility to your wife here she will feel even more violated if she found out you were covering for him no matter the reason she needs to know asap and your brother needs to be kicked out immediately keep the laptop and all the evidence you've found your wife may decide to press charges against him and you will need proof to back it up take videos of your wife's things in his room and the log he's created on his laptop tell your parents the reason he has been kicked out but share only the details your wife feels comfortable with them knowing here to stress it is a thing your brother did to divide the family opie's family would do well to note he and his wife are blameless for facing or exposing it updates i just found out that my brother has been perfect on my wife this update was long overdue so i apologize to everyone who waited for this i've had daily messages asking me about what happened and now that i'm in a better place to actually talk about it i can tell everyone about what happens first of all thank you to the redditors who pointed out that i should tell my wife first before confronting my brother you were right she did appreciate the fact that i gave her control over the situation i told my wife the next day after posting and needless to say she did not take it well she says she feels violated and unsafe in her own home see the thing is my wife and i have been together for almost 15 years so we literally saw this kid grow up we took him out to the movies to the beach etc we sometimes even joke to my parents that he was our practice baby my wife has a tendency to distrust people in general as a lot of people in her life have let her down in the past imagine how betrayed and hurt she was when she found out someone she trusted and loved dearly betrayed her like that honestly if i wasn't consoling my wife then i probably would have gone through with the initial idea and beat the ever-living crap out of my brother after she calmed down and went to sleep i called my sister and talked about the situation my sister and i are close given that we're irish twins i feel like she needed to know because she has two teenage daughters herself and who knows what my brother would do to them if given the chance we talked and she was clearly mad she loves my wife like her sister and they are quite close themselves she said that she would support whatever decision we made and that our brother would also be unwelcome at her place for the foreseeable future then we confronted my brother at first he denied it but when i showed him the evidence he started ugly crying and begging us to forgive him i gave him an ultimatum either he lets me in his phone laptop and delete everything or i called the police there was so much more crap on his computer than i initially thought so many more stolen pictures of my wife that would definitely take him without consent that fricker even recorded the audio of us having sex who does that so after hours of me looking for as much crap as possible and pretty much clearing most of his hard drive he eventually left without much of a fight oh and we definitely threw out my wife's defiled underwear and are most likely going to have the room he stayed in cleaned professionally i checked and thankfully he didn't have any hidden cameras anywhere oh and if you're wondering how he got the pictures of my wife in a towel the shower for the masters doesn't have hot water yet so my wife uses the shared one in the same area she would usually walk out of the bathroom with just a towel and go and change in our walk-in closets this shouldn't have been a problem because the guest bedroom was in a different part of the house far from the main bedrooms and it had its own bathroom so my brother had no reason for being there needless to say my wife is still shaken up about the whole thing which is why i didn't think about writing an update until now i'm sorry but my wife's well-being is my priority above anything else my mom eventually called me asking what happened she seemed very confused so i figured my brother didn't tell her anything at all i told her what happened and needless to say it did not end well she kept asking me to forgive my brother and take him back in she ranted about how difficult it would be to support him and how what i'm doing is breaking the family apart i let her talk till i eventually said my brother would no longer be welcome in my home i told her that she needed to get him therapy and that until then there was no chance we would ever see him my mum told me she'd talk to my sister about it and i said good luck she's mad at him too not sure what's going to happen to our family now the reason why we got the big house was because we wanted everyone to come over during the holidays and stay with us but i'm not sure if my parents will at this point and there's no chance my brother is ever coming back anytime soon thankfully my sister is 100 on my side and we're going to talk about what we're doing for thanksgiving soon my wife hasn't really been the same either but she's getting better now that my brother is gone we're talking about therapy which is something she's willing to try out we took a drive to the beach earlier chill guys we didn't leave the car and we talked about the future we both agreed that after this whole covert thing is over we're going to finally start our family with kids we want too being a mum is something she's always wanted but we both wanted to be financially secure enough to give them a good future and for us to also be in a position where we didn't have to work so much and just spend time with them the sparkle in her eyes when we talked about our life together with kids told me that while things aren't good right now we're going to be okay i honestly can't wait to be a dad myself so yeah long story short brother is gone wife is still sad sister is on my side but mom isn't and i'm going to be a dad in a few years thanks to everyone who gave their advice it honestly helped clear my head and make the right decision to tell my wife first oh and to answer questions that may come up no we did not want to go to the police my brother deleted everything voluntarily and left without a trace i'm sure the pictures are still out there somewhere thankfully they aren't too explicit and it would severely damage my wife's reputation and no we aren't going to try and get pregnant or anything like that we plan on adopting which is something we both talked about early on so again thanks to everyone who messaged and commented i may not have read everything nor have i replied to everyone but rest assured you were all greatly appreciated alright guys that's where i'm going to end today's video i really do hope you enjoyed it and maybe even learned something that you didn't know before if you haven't already please do feel free to click that like button as it really does help me in the youtube algorithm and if you haven't already and you love today's video please feel free to subscribe i would love it a lot also big big big shout out to all my patreon members and channel subscribers you guys are all up in the screen right now i love you i love your faces also i love seeing you guys all chatting down below in the comments it brightens my day to see the stories that you guys share and just the kind words you guys always have for my videos as well as everyone else in the videos i love you too but honestly your ongoing support means the world to me and i just love it so much that you guys are able to support a career for myself that i invest so much time into and you guys honestly motivate me to work harder each and every day to put more love into the videos for you guys if you guys have watched this far in the video and you haven't already subscribed on patreon or become a channel member that's cool you don't have to but there are links down below you can donate any amount of money pledge that any month cancel whenever i'm completely cool with it it's just there for you to support me if you'd like to go the extra mile and i'll go the extra mile for you guys by putting out new amazing content every single day with that said guys i really hope you have a good day night sleep bath time at work whatever you're up to today this has been marky i'll see you in the next amazing video bye

Channel: Markee

Views: 13,575

Rating: 4.8886957 out of 5

Keywords: r/relationshipadvice, relationship, advice, relationshipadvice, r/relationship, reddit, Markee, Markee relationship, r/justnoMIL, r/amitheasshole

Id: 1q2n1o6Mht8

Length: 150min 21sec (9021 seconds)

Published: Fri Aug 07 2020