- The only thing
that's kept me going is I started to--pretendin' that that was
Nancy Grace's mouth. 'Cause if you just thought,
you know, "I'm just shitting
in Nancy Grace's mouth," then you can keep going,
you know. You can keep going
for a little while. ♪ - [growls] <i> [dark electronic music]</i> ♪ [power up whine] <i> [cheers and applause]</i> - Welcome to
"This Is Not Happening." I'm your host, Ari Shaffir. Tonight, all the stories
are about disasters. <i> One of the greatest
comics of all time--</i> <i> Mr. Ron White, everybody.
[cheers and applause]</i> - I was, uh, working
most of my gigs for the Funny Bone Comedy Club
out of St. Louis. They own 21 comedy clubs. And I was a prominent
headliner for them in 1996 and, uh, making about
2 grand a week. They would fly me to the gigs. And I wasn't paying my taxes, so it even felt like I was
making more money than I was... and, uh, living pretty
fucking good, and... And, uh, so the guy
that owned that chain of clubs realized that I was working
42 weeks a year for him, so he didn't have to
pay me that much money. Because what the fuck else
would I do, you know? Where am I gonna go
get those kinda gigs, you know? I just--I don't know. And so he cuts my pay
from 2 grand and air to 1,500...flat, and, uh... I told him to go eat
a steamin' bowl of fuck. Okay, cut to years later. Blue Collar Comedy Tour
happens. We sell 10 million albums. I start touring.
I play Radio City Music Hall. You know, just things
I never even dreamed of. I'm from a little dirt town
in Northwest Texas. And, uh, I'm on my tour bus. It's late at night,
and I'm driving back to Atlanta. And Wednesday night
when I get back to Atlanta, where I have a house, I'm gonna be the auctioneer
at this huge charity event, in a tuxedo,
called the East Lake Foundation, and it's part of the end
of the golf season with the East Lake course. So that's my big charity
of the year, so it's a big deal,
and I do it every year. And I'm real fucking drunk
in my bus, which happens-- we get what we call
bus fucked up in that bus where your only goal is to stay sober enough
to make it to where your fuckin' bunk
is and, uh... and I've barely done it. And underneath
my bed on the bunk, there's a drawer
that's refrigerated, and I can get water. And I've just had
a bunch of dental work done, and all these are crowns
on the front of my teeth, and, uh, so--
and one of 'em had been loose, and it had fallen off,
and it was this one right here, that bad boy right there. And I stuck it back on with a
piece of toilet paper in there, and it had been on there
for quite a while. It stuck on,
and it looked great. Look, my teeth look great.
None of them are real. None of this shit's real.
None of it. Not one fucking
thing in this is real. And, uh, so I'm gulping
down this water drunk on my bus late at night, and the tooth comes off,
and I swallow it. And, uh, and I understand
the ramifications of this the second that it happens
because we live here, too, and the dentist that did it's
in Beverly Hills. That took cost 2,000
fuckin' dollars. And I need it
for Wednesday night... and I know where it is. So I go onto the internet: "What do you do
if you swallow a tooth?" Well, it says take laxatives-- which I figured
that was part of it-- and shit in a trash can and then mull around
in the trash can... - Oh!
- Until you find your tooth. Now, I literally have a tenth
grade high school education. I didn't graduate from high
school, didn't go to college, didn't do any of those things. And, uh--but still... I thought, "Strainer." [laughter] Shit in a strainer. Take the strainer
over to the sink, and like you're pannin'
for fucking gold. Just run water...
over the turd and let it dissolve,
and whatever's left is left. But you're not gonna miss
this fuckin' turd, right? So I take everything--I'm doing
these fuckin' liquid things, I'm doing everything,
'cause I gotta get-- This tooth's
gotta come out by Wednesday, 'cause I need it so fuckin' bad. And it's really going bad,
and I take-- I'm eating a lot of food. I'm trying to shovel
the stuff out. Anyone here
with the rest of the story? It's gross, I know.
I know it is. And I'm actually
holding the strainer underneath my butt,
shittin' in it, trying to find this precious
piece of porcelain. But then I find at the store
this thing where it's a strainer,
but it has these things that you can pull out
and put it on a pot or a pot... and so now I'm fuckin'
hooked up, right? So, like, I can put this thing
down then put the lid down, and I don't have to hold
this thing between my legs to shit my tooth into my fucki''
bucket, right? So now I'm way more
high-tech than I used to be... and it's day two. And I'm like, "Oh, my God,
come on, Wednesday, come on," and I'm just
so fuckin' sick of this. I been sitting on these fuckin'
commodes for two days. And I really--
I was so sick of it, and the only thing
that kept me going was I started to-- pretending that that was
Nancy Grace's mouth. And...
[laughter] 'Cause if you just thought,
you know, "I'm just shitting in
Nancy Grace's mouth," then you can keep going,
you know. You can keep going
for a little while. Day three. Turd. Nice turd we catch
in the strainer...bucket. High-tech.
Take it over. Rinsin' it off. Last chance for romance
right here. My gig is in four hours. And there's the tooth. I found the fuckin' tooth. And I put it in
the dishwasher... [laughter] You think I was just gonna
shove it back in my mouth? And we go down there, and the fuckin' gig was
postponed till the next night. I was like...oh, my God. Anyway, there's my story.
Thanks a lot, guys. [cheers and applause] <i> [dark electronic music]</i> ♪
