Ron White Just For Laughs

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we're back with more Just for Laughs well you know what I'll a started doing stand-up and I got involved with this thing called the Blue Collar Comedy Tour which was Jeff Foxworthy Bill Engvall and Larry the Cable idiot and myself and and actually some of the first cool things that happen for me my career happened out of Montreal that's not apple juice Ron White thank you very much it's great to be back in Montreal one of the best backdrops for a debacle I've ever seen in my life I went out last night I got so drunk I woke up this morning as somebody had my pants I don't know who it was but I know he's corn I'll try to tell you this story this Evan on Tuesday I was at Petsmart going home in the car with my wife and two dogs and she says I got to stop at the bank I'll be five minutes but there's no such thing as five minutes and I know the dogs need to pee and in our bank there's one piece of manicured lawn and it has two sides that both say no dogs so I took my dogs over there this guy comes waddling out of the bank with a big scowl on his face and he goes the sign says no dog said the signs wrong science should say to dogs that flew here from Los Angeles and I I don't I always avoid the self-service line and they were nice enough to fly me for his class and the line was long and for his class there was nobody at that kiosk and I don't really know how to use those things but I opted for it and I get over there and it's just a kiosk with a computer terminal and I don't want to touch it because it's got grease and dirt and what I could only pray to Jesus is meringue but it works pretty good you swipe your card through there and up pops a diagram of the plane and it shows all the seats on the plane and it shows which ones are occupied so you could choose your own seat and that's almost a great idea what would make that a great idea is if there was a photograph of the person sitting in that chair and about a five minute bio clip telling you a little bit about them what their breath smells like cuz I pick my chair when I'm in first class and I walk into the cab and I see the guy next to me is this gigantic hue I know I'm heavy but I'm not a Jag as a 550 pounds Jagan part of him is in my chair and I don't know if it's part of him I can sit on but I have a tip for the morbidly obese once you get to 550 pounds stay home we'll go for the record so I tore all the time I am from the United States I consider myself a patriot I met my first wife during the Vietnam War she's from this quaint little village outside of pnom Pinet but but I'm I could never pronounce that word Ottawa I love the tour's my wife I only have sex with my wife I've been married three times and that has not always been my policy but I find a lot of comfort in having one sex partner because she knows what I like and I know what she won't do turns out there's a list she won't do and the first thing on the list is talk about the list it's hard to figure out what to get her for a birthday last year I got her something with a cord not good this year I got her breast implants and I've never been a big fan of plastic surgery but I got to admit I've had a lot of fun playing with these things I haven't given them to her yet I just keep my my tour bus and you rub them in my face I'm glad they clean up easy what I'm just glad they're not made out of corduroy that's all I'm saying I'd have to have him Scotchgarded Shh I find it a little ironic that the product I used to keep from ruining my sofa should I spill my drink on it is actually called scotch cart sometimes things just work out perfect okay yeah I'm looking for a product it's gonna protect myself if I spill my scotch on it what do you got we've got Scotchguard let's go with that you got vodka garden my wife sees a very talented designer we live in his gigantic house that you guys bought us and she's really talented but she can't go to sleep at night unless every single thing in this gigantic house is in the exact spot she meant for it to be now before I married her she told me she was anal and I was like great it turns out there's two kinds of anal and she's the wrong one we were watching CNN the other night and they were doing a story about NASA about that astronaut lady that went crazy and tried to kill that other woman really funny and it wasn't just about that but it was about NASA and how they're just not as thorough as you'd think they would be and they're always backing up and covering their tracks which they are and I guess because so many women are going into outer space they've just allotted ten million dollars for a study to see if there are any dangers in a woman suffering from PMS to have her menstrual cycle it was zero gravity and like hell yeah there dangers in a weightless environment the psycho bitches can fly thanks for playing along I hope you enjoy it you guys that

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Channel: sabcanada

Views: 4,081,365

Rating: 4.7430644 out of 5

Keywords: Ron, White, Just, For, Laughs, Montreal

Id: 6OOCk7GdWNY

Channel Id: undefined

Length: 7min 4sec (424 seconds)

Published: Thu Mar 05 2009

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