A Literal Trauma Dump - Randall Park - This Is Not Happening

Mr Randall Park everybody so uh I have a a very sensitive stomach I'd say about half my shits are diarrheas and it's not just like when I eat something bad it's also when I like experience anxiety or like trauma and I'd say the most traumatic period of my life was in Middle School I went to this school called Palms Middle School and uh I was this chubby shy awkward little Asian kid you know I got I got bullied I got beat up occasionally it was a nightmare right but eventually I graduated and uh I ended up going into uh high school and I just felt a lot better I grew up I felt more confident I made friends and uh one day uh in high school one of my friends came up to me I was like hey do you want to uh catch a talent show that my little sister's in it's at Palms and I I could feel my body like tensing up but then I felt better and I was like oh you know what that that's passed me I'm confident now you know what yeah yeah I'll I'll be there so that Saturday comes riding my bike to my old middle school I lock up my bike and the moment I set foot on the campus I could feel my stomach start to turn but I pay it no mind I see my friend sitting in the front row and they save me a seat I join them and the talent show begins and as soon as I sit down I feel like I need to use the restroom but I just got there so I decide to fight it through about a half hour into the show I am literally like in the fetal position I'm like shaking and I think you know what I'm going to I got to relieve this pressure I'm going to try to release some gas and this hot squirt shoots out of my butt and I'm like oh no and I go up to my friends and I'm like look guys I'll be back and I like quick step out of the auditorium and I kick open the door and I'm in the restroom now the restroom at Palms there are two stalls one of them has the door completely ripped off the other one I go in there the toilet is filled with paper towels and someone else's [ __ ] and I try to flush it it just won't go down and at this point I'm like I'm I'm about to expl Lo so I I have no choice I close the door I pull down my pants and I'm like hovering over the the the toilet and I I just let it loose and it's like it's not like a [ __ ] it's like a a damn burst right and I it's weird because it's like the spiritual uh uh situation going on my eyes were closed and I felt like these demons were like shooting out of my body like all of those experiences from middle school the kids beating me up and and all the kids pointing at me and laughing at me it was just shooting out of me it was the most cathartic [ __ ] I had ever taken in my life right and it keeps going and then it just stops and I open my eyes I feel like a new man I feel like completely reborn right and then I look down at my shoes and I see this brown pool start forming around my feet and then I look down into my pants it is filled to the brim with [ __ ] I look back at the toilet covered the wall splatters everywhere I'm like oh my god oh no I see this Renegade like stream start moving out from under the stall and just on instin I start squeegeeing it back in with the side of my shoe and I'm like oh no oh no what do I do I start pulling out the toilet paper and I start like like a sinking rowboat I start like just like scooping it out of my pants I'm like oh no I need more I I I need paper towels I need paper towels so I pull up my pants and they're heavy and cold and I like Charlie Chaplin it over to the paper towels and I start yanking out paper towel towels and then I hear the audience Applause and I'm like oh no it's intermission and I look out into the bathroom there's like [ __ ] Footprints all over the floor streaks of [ __ ] going underneath into the stall it's a it's a crime scene and I hear the audience walking into the lobby and I run into the stall and I just close it and I just stand there just waiting for this onslaught of people and I hear the door open I hear a father and son walk in a few steps and I hear the son say Daddy what happened in here and the father I hear him go let's go come on go go go go go go go go go go and then the door closes I'm like and I hear the door open again a teenage boy literally screaming and the door closes this happens over and over and over and over again and I just want to die eventually it got to the point where the door stopped opening and I was like oh okay they must they must be back in the show you know the second half must have begun now's my time to get the hell out of here so I run out through the lobby out of the auditorium and I see my bike and I beeline to my bike and from the corner of my eye I see a group of kids pointing at me and laughing at me and I realize I cannot run from the trauma of my middle school years it is always going to be with me I unlock the bike I jump on it and I pedal home as fast as I could and I never went back to that Middle School again

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 28,483

Keywords: Randall Park, Randall Park stand-up, This Is Not Happening, stand up, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedians, true story, funny video, comedy videos, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, humor, best comedy, best stand up, middle school, bathroom stories, horror stories, embarrassing stories, randall park the office, randall park rap, randall park mall, randall park kim jong un, randall park wild n out, randall park conan drawing, blockbuster, the interview

Id: kHTWGfubiZ0

Length: 6min 51sec (411 seconds)

Published: Sat Oct 28 2023