- Matt is out there, in fucking his briefs,
like tighty whities, and he's with a hooker, and I'm like, "Hey, Matt.
You gotta go home." And the hooker was like,
"Hey, fuck you! He's with me!" <i> [dark electronic music]</i> <i> ♪</i> ♪ <i> ♪</i> ♪ [cheers and applause] - Hello, everybody. Welcome to
"This is not Happening." I'm your host, Ari Shaffir, and tonight it's all stories
about romance. [cheers and applause] Then, please, help me welcome
a very, very funny man. You guys will absolutely
love him, everybody's friend,
Mr. Nick Swardson, everybody! [cheers and applause] - So, I was in Vegas, which is always
a great start, and I feel like I'm cheating,
so I sorry for that. It's like,
when you tell a story in Vegas it's like already
fucking insane. So it's like you're cheating,
but this is one of my favorite stories ever. So, uh, my friend had
a CD release party, hot chick, awesome.
She's like, "Hey, I'm having like
my CD release party." I don't know--I don't know
why she's a gay guy all of a sudden, but... [laughing] But whatever.
[laughs] No, she's--she's like,
"I'm having my CD release party, like, you know,
you gotta come." I'm like, "Okay,
can I get a plus one?" And she's like, "Yeah." I'm like,
"Okay, cool." And that's like, you know
when you like get a plus one... to anything,
but especially with like-- with it's an--
when it's an event where it's like
something meaningful, you're like, "Okay, who the fuck
am I bringing?" Like, "Which friend
can fucking handle this, and not be a disaster?" You know
what I'm talking about. It's like you have to hook up
like, your rolodex of like, Steve, no.
Rick, no. Just like, you just have to go
through like all this shit. So I call my friend Matt. I'm like, "Right,
dude, we're going to Vegas. Like VIP,
fucking CD release party." Like,
"Fucking handle your shit." He's like,
"Yeah, totally." [laughing] So we fucking show up, and we have a VIP booth,
and she's singing. She's like promoting
her album and everything. And it was
like really cool. So we're sitting there
and like Matt is doing like, way too much Jäger,
which is always a red flag. Like when someone is like
rocking Jäger hard like early in the night. I was like, "Okay, Matt.
That's not what we planned on, but...okay." So he's just shredding it, so she's singing.
She's singing... at Caesar's, like, in this
like VIP stage. Fucking crowd is like,
"Yay!" And fucking--
all of a sudden I'm like in the booth like chilling,
like, "This is great." All of a sudden,
Matt... just decides
to make a beeline to grab her tits...
[laughing] In the middle
of her performance. He's just like
"Walking Dead, season four," just fucking...
[laughs] I was like,
"Woah!" Security immediately
tackles him, fucking haymaker, fucking tackles him. And fucking,
they like drag him like, they're like,
"Is this your buddy?" I was like,
"No." [laughter] Like, clearly I'm like,
"Fuck that! Fucking asshole." So they fucking
take him out, he gets thrown out
of the fucking club. I stay, I'm chilling,
you what I mean? I got fucking moves. And, uh, and then so,
like, fucking 15 minutes later, he's back in the club. I looked down,
and he's shirtless. And I was like,
"What the fuck?" So I go downstairs
and like go--I'm like, I go, "Matt... you gotta go home." Like,
"You're inappropriate. "This isn't cool. "You've gotta to back
to the room, just...[whistles] Sleep.
Sleep it off." He's like, "All right, dude.
Fuck you!" So he leaves. So I fucking stay
another like hour. Then I go back.
This is all fucking real. I go back
in the casino lobby, and Matt is out there
in fucking-- his briefs,
like tighty whities... on the casino
fucking floor! In fucking briefs! Now he has
no fucking pants! And I'm like,
"What?" And he's with a hooker. And I'm like, "Hey, Matt.
You gotta go home." And the hooker was like, "Hey, fuck you!
He's with me!" I was like, "Why don't you dial it down?
My buddy's drunk." And she's like,
"No, fuck that! Fuck you! This is my
motherfucking man." And I was like,
"Um, okay. "First of all,
nobody carries a wallet "in their briefs, so I don't know how the fuck
you're getting paid." I'm like,
"This is fucking... "wallet's in his asshole, "and that's your fetish,
go for it, but he's gotta go home." So I fucking pull him away, and I get him--
I'm like, "Go back to the fucking room,
dude." And then I, like,
I'm mad. It was like one of those
Vegas things where I was like, like I was like an adult. [chuckles]
I was like, I was like,
"Here's the deal, man. "Fucking be an adult. "Like, you're fucking
embarrassing. "Handle your shit. "All you do
is handle your shit. "Just come,
be responsible, fucking-- "you just had to go
to a fucking party. "Damn it! "That's all
you had to do. "Go to your room! "Go to sleep! "Now! Go to sleep!" And he's like,
"All right, man. Sorry.
I fucked up." I'm like, "Yeah, you did,
motherfucker. Big time." So then he left. And then I went out. [laughing] And...
[laughs] And I blacked out, and then, uh...
[laughing] And then these are
two things that happened: I woke up,
my other friend called me. He's like,
"Where are you?" I go,
"I'm at the Hard Rock." He's like,
"Where are you? We're in the casino." I'm like, "I'm under the guitar." [laughing] So...if you know
the Hard Rock, I was outside... sleeping under the guitar of the fucking Hard Rock, on the lawn outside of the casino. I was fucking sleeping. Woke me up.
[babbling] So he had to pick me up. Then we go out
after that... again.
I still went out. Baller.
[laughing] But no,
so we go out after that, and we go to a club, and fucking get
more hammered. And then I black out, and I'm not joking at all. This is how I woke up. I woke up in a room
at the Hard Rock, and fucking... there was a fucking...
[chuckles] A chick blowing me
and my friend at the same time. A different friend,
not my buddy Matt. He was dead.
[laughing] Blowing me and my friend
at the same time, and I woke up to that
and I was like, "What the fuck? What's happening?" It was like the weirdest way
to wake up. And then I look over, and there is, um... a little person. Again, I'm not joking. Um, fisting a chick
on a couch... with cocaine
all over his face. Literally, literally
fisting a chick. And I look over,
I was like, "What the fuck?" [laughter] "Oh, my God." And then
we made eye contact. [laughter] And he's like fisting her. And, you know, it's... [laughter] You know what fisting is. I don't have
to explain it. I don't have to walk you through
that fucking... And fucking--
he's fisting a chick, and he looks over at me, and we make eye contact,
and he goes, "Yeah!"
[laughing] It was like...
[laughs] And at that point, I don't know what to do,
so I was like, "Yeah, dude.
I don't fucking... know what happened." But it was just
like the weirdest... like, irony, you now,
me yelling at my friend, like, "Hey, man.
You gotta fucking chill out." "You gotta fucking
handle your shit. "Fucking adult. It's ridiculous." And I'm fucking... "Yeah..." What is happening? And then the next day, I like--
we, like, woke up, like, and I saw him,
he was like, "What did you end up
doing last night?" I was like, "Just fucking chill,
bro. [laughter] Nothing, dude." Fucking... I couldn't, like,
throw myself under the bus. [laughing] All right, anyway,
that's the end of my story. Thank you so much,
you guys. [cheers and applause] You guys are awesome! <i> [electronic music]</i> <i> ♪</i> ♪
