Top 10 Bill Burr Moments on Conan

so so does your wife watch any of these games with you does she know she has the female complex multitasking brain that's why they can't be happy they did just they just always been like what is that lizard that can look at two things at once that's what they're like so they got the shoes they want and then they see some other woman walking a dog look at Skinny [ __ ] over here she thinks she's cute right I think that's what Oh God what makes women happy nothing and that is why they are slowly taken over the NFL because it ignores them that that we can just sit there with like the pizza and a drink that's not holiday just enjoy yourself so you're saying that yet because you're happy that you think your wife and women in general it's a jealous of it did jealous how simple the male brain is you can just sit there and be entertained and fight true happiness and it just bugs them so they gotta ruin it well it's slowly taking over the NFL you know all next month once again they're gonna dress everybody in the NFL like newborn baby girls for whatever reason did you forget that there's breath cancer yeah here we go yes so they did it last year they're gonna do it again this year yes I think is slowly gonna take it over and they get they're gonna they're gonna move us out cuz I'm telling you I don't understand why they keep trying to go into a male football league it's like why don't you guys band together and start your own league get your own thing going but I realize they don't want their own thing data they don't want their own [ __ ] they want our [ __ ] I know what it is and it's I think it's because we're happy we're just sitting there enjoying ourselves having a good time without them it drives them nuts and they've just got to go in there and ruin it so they don't like they got women's basketball they don't even like it they don't even like they don't even like football guy don't get it I don't get like the fascination like if my wife is having like three of her friends over I screw I leave I don't need to be there and ruin it for I know you guys I'm gonna change the dynamic because I'm there and you can't talk about a hundred percent female stuff out of courtesy I'm gonna get out of it I'm gonna leave but they can't do that you're saying one guy one chauvinist he's like Edison I don't know he invented all this stuff everybody did he did he like did he sit down and like I'm gonna vent the iPhone and just sat there soldering possibly welding right did he have like a crew of guys helping him out sure maybe he did why when he went to those nerd fest didn't he have like a like a like a chorus of scientists behind him who helped him out too he walked out like he was Tesla and into electricity I know which they keep just kind of like told people what to invent like he just kind of came in like I want my whole music collection in that phone get on it yeah made it happen yeah and then they have the big nerd concert and he goes out there by himself no belt you know sneakers on I just didn't buy it is it's a great way to tap out from the news and just you know watch a game and get away from it now there's like all these causes are getting like attached to it like I was watching the World Series and I'm in the middle of watching the World Series and out of nowhere they have this moment stand up to cancer I'm watching a ballgame and all of a sudden everybody stands up holding up a sign of somebody that they either know that's dying of cancer or died of it in the middle of the game it's just like what are you doing trying to watch a game here well there's a time and a place but I I know somebody that has died of cancer I would never go to the movies with you and in the middle of it hit pause of yet oh by the way Conan I could have lifted him up off the sheet with two fingers it was horrible hey and Joe by the way I got molested when I was nine he didn't do anything to me you know he did for me he raised five hundred million dollars for cancer research that's what that lie did that blocked out the Sun yeah wasn't cancer yeah it was annoying and I hated how Oprah was interviewing him and acting like she was dumbfounded that this guy would do this like she's been in show business for 35 years and she can't like wrap her head around some guy doing whatever it takes to get to the next level didn't she for the first five years have liked midgets who wanted to bang their male man's boyfriend and she didn't want to do it she didn't want to do it but she didn't have the power to say no so she wrote it out and then when she could make a good decision she did a show but she stood on their heads for those little people [Applause] the guy was the sociopath on a bicycle all right we got up easy yeah if that guy was working for a corporation he probably would have been pouring stuff in the water supply doing god-knows-what just just keep him on the bike the top 20 guys like all tested positive right so i roided-up guy beat your roided-up guy who run that filthy sport ridiculous he doesn't represent cycling are they gonna return all the money that they made off of that guy huh they're gonna turn in their yachts they're not gonna turn in are you worried about him at all being in office so you think you mean is it does it concern you I don't know I feel like the president you only see him like once every three weeks you know if you like be with date in a chicken she was a jerk but you only saw her once every three weeks there's like no way she could break your heart you know what from sight to move to Canada crashed do you think people are gonna really move to Canada you think so many people here the rents too high and all that just thin it out give us a little negotiating thing and then what's gonna be funny up there it's not gonna be Michael Moore's Canada what he said though you keep your doors unlocked and everybody's drinking syrup and it yeah he didn't I didn't say everyone's drinking clear crossing anybody of color that tried to make it playing hockey up there listen to the stories they have you and Alabama know oh yeah those are still white people up there yes because they're on the other side of the invisible line doesn't mean that they're not gonna act like white people yeah so you're not a big fan of Canada is what you're saying no I love Canada but I don't go up there with like this starry look in my eye like everyone's gonna be riding around on mooses just like environmental stuff you really are worried about it I am and I'm not I just also feel like you know it probably a good thing if most of us died it would be there's no prob there's nothing wrong with driving a gas guzzling car there's just too many people doing it yeah so you got to figure out a way to like thin out the herd and it's too late it's not these are the hard decisions that are gonna have to be made we are we're here to hear about some bad choices though you know how I would do it what I would I would randomly sink cruise ships why would you randomly sink cruise ship you get like 2,500 to 3,000 people a whack right and I don't think I think it's a good mix of people to get rid of what happens after the second time they catch on no because this is what you do as you're sinking them you're building an exact replica so as you're eliminating people you're like creating jobs and you just season latest thing that's driving me nuts is I spent 20 years in the back of the plane getting treated like an animal and I finally worked my way up to the front of the plane Group one which means you get to board like it's your plane right you just you get to board yes yeah you sit in a chair that's the size for a human being there's a place for your bag yep yep right you get a little hot towel and all and then the second I get that all of a sudden now there's like these 20 groups that are like pre-boarding now like half the plane qualifies and they're getting on and I just sit there just like losing my [ __ ] you know it'll start softly it's just like anybody in uniform anybody in military so it's like all right all right but after like the 20th guy you just start being like have you seen action [Applause] anybody with kids anybody with disabilities and they just say anybody with a red shirt hey it's Tony Tuesday one time I saw this guy get on the plane okay he wasn't in uniform he didn't have kids he had all his limbs he wasn't limping he didn't have a cop he just walked on the plane it's a I always hated the anxiety of being in the back of the plane I just remember like the worst is whenever you would get your seat and you'd sit there know about ready to close the door and you'd have that empty seat next to you last like a poor man's first class you're like oh [ __ ] I'll bring the armrest up I can actually be great then all of a sudden some fat bastard you're like Quint at the end of Jaws like I swear to God this is all true this dude got on he was so fat he was sitting next to me I was literally next to him and behind him try to make yourself smaller and he like folded his arm and his lat came out like like a jealous old western saloon thing so yeah so yeah that that motivates you to try to get to these layers 20 years you work your way up to the front and now still they won't let you that fat guys considered disabled because he can't stop he gets on look at many groaning 90% of the world is starving to death that guy [Applause] were you flipping out the day like when you met did you flip out and would you believe that she told me to go see that movie monster remember that movie with Charlize Theron yeah yeah yeah and everybody was saying how I owe my god it was unbelievable it wasn't like ah somebody shoved the tuna fish sandwich up my ass and I confuse people with food so I like did he make like a big excuse for him yeah she was a psycho killing people and she should have died but I'm like watching it feeling guilt somehow our fault why would having a tuna fish sandwich shoved up your butt make you hate people because another man did it first so if you equate it I don't know sex with food I figured I forget all the idea but is she laughed when I said it she was dying laughing and kind of saw my point and I always hate when she says to me she just be like you know I just don't see what where does that coming from where is that coming from it's just like honey how many childhood stories do I have to tell you before you follow the breadcrumbs to this psycho that you're married I mean did you ever take a psychology class like you didn't see this coming right that's what it is it's not that she says that I'm a jerk it's just the nerve to be surprised it's just like about annoying people like when people tweet it's very easy to piss off one side the art is to try it you got to try to get everybody so you tweet stuff like Trump is such a dope he's actually gonna make me vote for a woman right and then you just what I wanted but I wanted you might ever mad that children are not being this should be the thread of it half of Italy was just it look it was just your dad was acting like he was gonna do it he never did it but your mother did and because no cuz she was a woman it was like okay cuz it's like yeah you let a girl beat you off you know you kind of felt emasculated yeah we had a rule that like I actually a lot of the stuff that I look at from when I was a kid that actually kind of made sense in a way is now would now be considered like abuse I guess like when I was a kid if you didn't finish your supper as we called it supper yeah my mother was just like well you're gonna finish she would just wrap it in cellophane and you just picked up where you left off for breakfast like like a blue-collar job like you take the shovel out of the hole and just start digging it again so yeah I remember one night we had cube steaks which is like one of the toughest pieces of meat I don't know if you guys everything so like Asian infused Wagyu beef everybody's eating that crap now but cube steak was like they had literally had to hit it with a hammer to make it like edible and so we were having cube steaks and I figured my little brother was still in a high chair and he couldn't finish his so my mother goes are we just gonna have to eat it for breakfast and that was like eight hours away which was like half his life so the next we remember we were having waffles my mother always made Sunday breakfast we had all these waffles eggs bacon this whole layout my brother was looking at half-eaten cube steaks and a little mound of green bean casserole and it goes so he looked at my mom it goes mom I have a waffle and she goes no you got to finish your supper he's like well after I finished my waffle a supper then can I have a waffle she goes no that is your breakfast and he goes oh mom I hate you and my dad without looking up took a full glass of milk and threw in the space this is what kills me what kill you on everyone today to have as miserable it's no but it was kind of funny we know it's hilarious was my mother just popped up and just immediately started cleaning up and my dad just kept eating like he didn't like felt like the roles were defined back then now the guy has to throw the milk he has to clean it up while telling his wife she's brave for just sitting there overrated right we went for a night wait wait what wait wait we went from not listening to them to now it's just it's just you know it's just it's it's ridiculous like that believe women it's like all of them how about eighty five person you eighty seven percent all right but that last thirteen percent that keys your car lights your [ __ ] on fire and puts a family pet and up in a pot of stew who put a pen in a pot of stew Glenn Close

Channel: Clip Master

Views: 3,678,877

Rating: 4.8951898 out of 5

Keywords: Bill Burr, Conan, 2019, 2020

Id: VgRvFoLMgCQ

Length: 16min 25sec (985 seconds)

Published: Tue Dec 03 2019