- During a very dark
period in my life, I found inspiration by
reading the great epic poem, the Iliad. So, see, Seth, you're not the
only person that gotten by by taking ideas from Homer. (audience laughing) - He's a guy who's
beaten every opponent he has gone up against,
except the letter "S." (flames ignite) (audience cheering) (audience applauding) - Look at you, Seth, you got the spray on tan, the waxed eyebrows, the pec implants, (Seth laughing) PalinGen teeth, the bleached anus, (Seth laughing) the scrotal tuck, nipple enlargement, taint augmentation. (audience laughing) But, I got to admit, I envy you. You've got boatloads of money, three TV shows, and still, even with all
the work you've had done, you can walk down the
street, totally unrecognized. (Seth laughing) (audience applauding) - Charlie, you claim
to have tiger blood, but with all the porn
stars you've banged, it's probably just Tiger
Woods' blood, I'm guessing. (audience laughing) (Charlie laughing) As you may know, Charlie
Sheen is not his birth name. His original Spanish
name is Señor Drugs. (audience laughing) (Charlie laughing) Kidding aside though,
Carlos Estévez, took his Dad's name, yes, to gain credibility as an actor. (audience member cheers) I've seen your films and you
don't really act like a Sheen. But, you know, with your rap
sheet and briefcases of coke, you're definitely
acting like a Carlos. (audience laughing) Charlie went on to
star in TV and film, both drama and comedy. He was the star of "Hot Shots." (audience cheering) Which is also what Charlie
feels when he takes a piss. (audience laughing) So, now, Charlie is a
self-contained unit. He is dependent upon
no man and no thing, except crack, Jack, crank, meth, ludes, Vicodin, blow, acid, uppers, poppers, E,
nitrous, dust, hash, and this one boner
medicine from Norway. (audience laughing) He's the reason that a
dick with cocaine on it is called a Sheenis. (audience laughing) - Wow. Wow. - He's still with
us, Charlie Sheen. In fact, Charlie just
celebrated his 46th birthday. (audience cheering) A statement no one thought
we would ever hear. Charlie allegedly
made a prostitute cry
at the Plaza Hotel. I wanna tell you
though, Charlie, I think she's lying 'cause I saw the scene where you got arrested
in "Wall Street," (laughs) you can't
even make yourself cry. (audience laughing) But, you know, with all those
dangerous jobs shows on TV, like the ones about crab
fishing, ice road trucking? Why is there no show about the
most dangerous job out there, being an escort
for Charlie Sheen? (audience laughing) How long must we wait for the first season
of Deadliest Snatch? I'm ready to see that right-
(audience laughing) Right now. (audience cheering) Honestly, Charlie, I never thought I would
live to see the night that you would live
to see this night. I really didn't. (audience laughing) - Seth McFarland, the only difference between you and the hooker Charlie
locked in the closet is that the hooker
eventually came out. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) (flames igniting) - Kate Walsh, (audience cheering) why are you here? (Kate laughing) Let me say that it is a thrill to be around the hottest,
sexiest woman of 2002. (audience laughing) - Seth MacFarlane. (audience laughing) Come on, everyone,
take it easy on Seth. It's gotta be hard
for him to do a roast, especially because "The
Simpsons" haven't done it yet. (audience laughing) - That's pretty good. - If only "The Simpsons"
would wipe it's ass in front of Seth MacFarlane, he could learn to do it too. (audience laughing) But, sadly, Seth
MacFarlane's bulky ass is caked in layers of
unwiped excrement and shame because "The Simpsons"
haven't done it yet. (audience laughing) - Gilbert Gottfried. (audience cheering) Just watching him perform, you can tell he's
really got some extra, what's the word, chromosomes. (audience laughing) And I always seem
to look like someone just squirted lemon
juice in my eyes. (audience laughing) - Seth MacFarlane, thank
you for not singing. (audience laughing) And thank you for not
telling any jokes. (audience laughing) I've heard rumors that
you like to drink, sometimes maybe a
little too much. Now, be careful, Seth, you don't want to
end up like me, tall, handsome, rich, and
famous all over the world. (audience laughing) - Look at you, you
handsome son of a bitch. Take off your hair so I can
run my fingers through it. You look right. (David laughing) (audience laughing) You know, David,
here's the thing, some people call you a washed
up, talentless pile of crap, just a terrible human being. I'd like to thank everyone
for coming tonight, and let's get started
with the roast. (audience laughing) David, you're acting
is like inception, there's no sense of reality. (audience laughing) It's impossible to
follow what's happening. And midway through, we realize you were
unconscious the whole time. (audience laughing) (David laughing) You know, I'll tell
you though, my friend, you will always be Mitch
Buchannon from Baywatch to me. (audience cheering) (audience applauding) This is a show that
did for lifeguards what skin cancer
did for lifeguards. (audience laughing) Yes, for all his achievements, for all this man's
many achievements, it was really Baywatch that
made David a global celebrity. David had an important role,
an important role on Baywatch. His job was to kill boners. (audience laughing) But, David is more than
just a terrible actor, (audience laughing) (Seth laughing) he's also a terrible singer. (audience laughing) He's the only singer in history whose autotune just
said, "(beep) it." (audience laughing) Guys, you saw from
his big entrance, David is hooked on a feeling, the feeling he gets
from six Vicodin. (audience laughing) Recently, however, he hasn't "had time" to do
another huge singing event. Just like Matt Damon and Ben
Affleck haven't "had time" to write another screenplay, or Anderson Cooper
hasn't "had time" to find that special lady. (audience laughing) (Seth laughing) And the Hoff is multilingual, they may not know this, he can speak English,
Spanish, German, and whatever the (beep)
that language was in that cheeseburger video. (audience laughing) Yes, David, my friend,
(David cheering) you have done it all. - Thank you. - You've gone from
Baywatch to death watch. And I think- (audience laughing) I think I speak
for everybody here when I say that what we
remember most of all about you is Pam Anderson's tits. (audience cheering) - I consider Seth an icon, I do. Like, I got a
critique about Seth, it's too much Seth. (audience laughing) See, but I think the
problem is with Seth is that he don't have a partner. You know, like the "South
Park" guys or Hanna-Barbera. (audience laughing) Hanna once said, "I'm
bigger than Yogi," and Barbera slapped the shit
out of him for saying that. (audience laughing) Seth needs a Barbera (Seth laughing) to slap him and slap him twice. Once to say, "Hey man, don't
forget why people love you." And two, "Just say your gay." No- (Seth laughing) (audience laughing) No straight man writes
that many showtunes, that's a fact. (audience laughing) (flames igniting) - You may recognize Patrice from his many speaking
roles in movies, but only if you've sat in
front of him in the theater. (audience laughing) I know. I know, some of these
jokes may come off racist, which is why it's
important to remember that Rosa Parks fought so Patrice could take
three seats on the bus. (audience laughing) - During a very dark
period in my life, I found inspiration by
reading the great epic poem, the Iliad. So, see, Seth, you're not the
only person that gotten by by taking ideas from Homer. (audience cheering) - Tyson has had three marriages. The first two
ended in knockouts. (audience laughing) - I threw in the (beep) towel. - (laughs) Please
don't murder me. He's a guy- (audience laughing) (Seth laughing) He's a guy who's
beaten every opponent he has gone up against,
except the letter "S." (audience laughing) (rhythmic music)
