r/Askreddit "What Was Your Wittiest Comeback Ever?" Funny Reddit Posts

welcome to our /s Credit where people answer the question what was your wittiest comeback that you're still proud of someone says go F yourself reply with every yourself you coward working at a pizza shop troublesome customers tries to stack coupons that clearly state one coupon per purchase after being refused by everyone in the restaurant including the owner he goes on a tirade saying that the district attorney is his cousin and was threatening a lawsuit Lowell as he was hitting for the door he said you can't afford to mess with me I shouted after him you can't afford a large pizza I was in a liquor store last weekend and these two younger guys were buying a bottle of tequila and started arguing with the owner nice older Indian guy about how we charged the wrong amount or he gave the wrong change something stupid and probably not true the other guy who works there younger black guy with many tats and piercings hears the commotion and comes over to get his bosses back the guy start yelling about why you also pressed over 25 cents the younger employee says brothers we have a whole cash register full of money it is you who appears to be pressed over 25 cents I was just standing there like oh no he didn't I got under charged by an apartment complex years ago it was like three dollars after I complained more about their incompetence than the money the one lady said it's only three dollars I said if it's only three dollars then just remove it from my bill she didn't like that answer I was working in retail and we had a really long line of people waiting to check out I worked in a very upscale neighborhood thank major league sports well-known attorneys etc some lady comes running from the back of the line and screams at me I can't wait in this line do you have any idea how important I am I tired of everyone's flak that day retorted if you were so dang important you'd pay someone to stand in this line like the really important customers my mom was asking about my daughter and her boyfriend are they going to get married I've just not ready to be a great-grandmother well you could try being a good one first whenever my grandmother would bug my mom about getting married and having kids her response was you can be a grandma nine months from next Friday but if you want a son-in-law it's going to take a little longer I'm a big guy six foot six 270 ish pounds and this happened about two years ago I was grocery shopping with my wife and went looking for something that was on the list I don't remember what I was hitting up one of the aisles when I crossed paths with a shorter dude that was obviously on some type of upper he was bouncing all over the place looking for something he noticed me as I passed him and he stops and says wow you're a big fella I reply yes I am I constantly get this remark as I'm continuing by him he states I could take you though I stopped and put a surprise look at my face and exclaimed really all twelve inches his face went red after you I smiled at him and said that's the spirit he mumbled something and walked away that was probably my best comeback ever playing hockey growing up meant you always had to be on your toes when it came to chirping I was maybe 17 at the time and it was November so everyone was trying to grow the dustiest mustache as they could mine was pretty gnarly patchy and inconsistent I line up next to another forward on a face off and he looks at me and says you should wipe those pubes off your face in reference to my stache which was a well-deserved chirp no doubt but your boy here have been practicing your mom's jokes as all teens do so I hit him back with thee it's not my fault your mom doesn't shave her for John go getting my license to sell alcohol in a new area magistrate had been refusing people all morning and the police officer supporting my application knew this guy refused everybody so we'd apply another day but I still had to go up and be questioned part of getting a license is that there are people you are not allowed to serve one of these is known prostitutes he asked me to list all the people to not serve me concluding my list and ahem known ladies of the evening the judge says you mean ladies of the night and I say I obviously go out a lot earlier than you your honor not really an insult but a buddy of mine burned his forehead on an engine and someone asked him what happened I told them my belt buckle was really hot my husband he's a big fella said don't touch what you can't afford to me once when I slapped his butt I instantly replied not if I'm paying by the pound I didn't mean it to be nasty it just plopped out before I could stop it not me but a friend of mine as students a group of townies were shouting abuse at us my buddy shouted abuse back and one of them said you're playing a dangerous game do you know who my dad is my friend responded no do you not me who delivered friends out between bars a bit tipsy we stopped to talk to an acquaintance a girl my friend gets closer to her and sniffs you smell like men without missing a beat she replies I'm lucky I didn't get close to you or I'd smell like a wussy this happened more than 10 years ago and we still remember it from time to time guy walks into my bar with brown robes and I asked what's with the robes you just get out of a Renaissance Faire he replies no I'm a Carmelite priest I exclaim I'll be damned he answers I hope not he totally got me in front of the whole bar you just lived a joke when I was in high school a girl that I had dated for a while and broke up with me called me about three months afterward I picked up the phone and said hello and she immediately said I just want you to know that I'm having much better sex now I replied with well tell your dad I said congratulations and hung up I have never been that witty since I had the same setup but a different way worse reply I dated this girl for ten months who was sort of a train wreck but it was kind of understandable since she basically grew up in foster care and didn't speak to any of her family she was ultimately abusive and cheated on me with a guy we'll call Derek a few months post-breakup she texted me just wanted you didn't know I'm Epping Derek again right now and he's way better than you I texted back that's cool I'm having dinner with my family who loves me so I guess we've both got reason to be jealous late to the game but at Thanksgiving one year my whole family was sitting around talking and winning contests came up one of my brothers looked at me and snark t' oh yeah Oh P what was the last thing you ever won I looked around the room and all of my blood relatives and answered the looks of it the genetic lottery father working on the roof wind blows the ladder over him well Opie I guess this means I'm counting on you now don't worry dad I won't let you down he nearly fell off the roof laughing so much huh you dad joked your dad I used to work as a carpenter's assistant for some reason I bought myself a 22 ounce framing hammer which is to be honest more hammer than you'll ever need one guy I worked with was teasing me about it a real carpenter doesn't need more than a 16 ouncer I replied you've been listening to your wife too much huh she's been telling you size doesn't matter right my friend says we need to measure out 12 inches I know we'll use my dong I say you got 12 of them one guy was posting about his dong and said something along the lines of when I take a piss I hold my dong with four fingers I replied and you pee on three of them one guy yelled at me suck my dong I replied I need a straw to do that I am an engineering freshman this year my brother who's a sophomore changed majors from engineering to flight this semester after failing a course or two when we were home for spring break we were casually teasing each other and he just says you're dumb Lowell got him I put on a fake pout and said dang you're right guess I'm gonna have to be a pilot now I was the dealer on a roulette table customer what do I get at the ball lanes and a number besides the one I bet on me my condolences one of the greatest comebacks ever witness was from a friend of mine who had blacked out drunk on the sofa at a party and had been basically unconscious for over an hour other friend walks in and lets us know that some of the girls we know are coming one who my friend didn't like he shouts hey Chris your girlfriend will be here soon he rolls over I still closed and grumbles out I didn't know your mom went out this late rolls over back to sleep this wasn't a comeback but a witty burn for sure on the bus in high school a girl who frequently annoyed me with her loud storytelling was telling everyone about how she was good hit on by one of the trash collectors while waiting for the bus typically I was the quiet kid who kept to myself but this time I chimed in with I think he was just trying to do his job not mine but my friend called me [ __ ] and I responded I do have a dick and he came back with well spit it out it's not yours I'm still in shock from how great that comeback was I a male was about to cross a road with a few friends all-female a car passed by with a bunch of dudes windows down they were cat calling my friends whistling and shouting hey sexy and such I was shouting back oh thank you the girls burst in laughter and the guys look confused didn't have a come back themselves and just drove off not extremely witty but I loved that moment not the greatest but I was proud of myself for how quick I was my sister was cleaning out her room the other week and basically left bags of old clothes and garbage in the living room in the process so of course her room was now spotless but the rest of the house was a disaster when I told her she was messy as heck she argued messy have you seen my room I answered how couldn't I it's all over the house after screwing up at work colleague I'm not sure if it's because you're dyslexic are stupid me I like to think it's a little bit of column a and a little bit of column two graduated college two years ago and I'm currently working a rather boring desk job to save up money for grad school my boss has a great dog oh that I will periodically walk because I feel bad that it just sits next to me all day without going out much anyways I had some college friends come visit me some of which I'm not huge fans of and one girl said hey how's your job picking up dog duty I think she must have seen my snapchats or something I was a little caught off guard by this comment though we were never super close in college or anything luckily I knew that she still doesn't have a job and is working on her quote music career I responded with good speaking of dog Duty how's your music career going still feel good about that one her music my then-girlfriend and I were arguing over something petty you're heartless only because you stole it she odd and then went back in to argue mode not me but a friend of mine he was at a music festival in my city it attracted a pretty big rowdy crowd so everyone is drinking and having a good time inter middle-aged woman who shoves into my friend which makes him basically upend his pint all over himself he isn't pleased the middle-aged woman decides to pick a fight for some reason and starts to get a bit physical my friend looks her date in the eye and without missing a beat says I'd effing deck you but some whales are protected so guess I can't she started crying and left she started crying and left that's odd I thought whales had thick skin yeah she started blubbering my older sister is very upset that I am taller than her only by a few inches but it still angers her one day she was being especially annoying so me remember I'm still taller than you sister yeah but my tits are bigger me even if you put your tits on your head I'd still be taller than you she got so red-faced until my dad started laughing she still brings it up to this day not exactly a comeback but my coworker was complaining about her teenage son's behavior how she was doing everything she could and how his therapist wasn't doing anything that seemed to help exasperated she exclaimed how do you medicate a butthole with a suppository I replied I was arguing with an Air Force colonel who thought I answered to him I told him legally he had no authority over me he said I was being insubordinate I replied I can't be insubordinate if I'm not your subordinate I was visiting from out of state my old lab at University at which the girlfriend of an ex friend happened to be waiting in line to enter this chica hated me she comes up tiny fists in balls of Rage and demands to know why I'm there I knew exactly who she was I look her up and down then meet her glare with a bored look and asked and who exactly are you jaw drop and sputtering will forever make all that drama bs worth it I was at a John Oliver stand-up show and he told a story about how one time before a show a fan came up to him and gave him an entire bicycle I don't remember much more than that but the whole bit was essentially how crazy and memorable and weird it was to be presented with an entire bicycle by a stranger sometime after this I really had to go to the bathroom I was sitting in the front row and didn't want to draw attention to myself or miss anything but I couldn't wait so I got up and started walking down the aisle towards the back as I feared Oliver noticed and called me out oh you where do you think you're going without missing a beat I turned around and said Oh to get your bike everyone laughed he laughed I got to pee it's a good memory back in the day I had to deal with one of those ridiculous D bags that thought it was a hilarious burn to call somebody gay he found out that I did quite well academically at school and said that makes sense most gay guys are smart to which I responded if that's the case you must be the straightest guy I've ever met I had a friend in high school who constantly got made fun of for being gay he did eventually come out but at the time he was just a little eccentric and slightly effeminate and in the late 90s early aughts that meant you were subject to homophobic slurs he got used to it and started to get some savage comebacks his best was a kid said heard you were sucking dick last night and he replied dang your dad and I were trying to be quiet this guy almost thirty years old in the bar was talking about his Wang saying I had the biggest Wang in eighth grade I immediately said you probably still do not mine but a friends it was a Friday night and a friend from another country let's call him Sam had just arrived by car to my friend's place let's call him Max and we were chatting waiting for max before unloading the car he was going to sleep at his place for a few days max came down and did a Starsky and Hutch move where he slid on the front of the car no damage was made to the car and everyone was ok with it but a police car that was passing by stopped and two cops they asked us what we were doing and asked for Max's ID we explained that it was Sam's car that no harm was done they checked her IDs and everything was okay but they wouldn't drop it they wanted to teach a lesson the conversation went like this cop even though it's your friend's car you shouldn't do that even as a joke I'm sure you'd be annoyed if someone jumped on your car right max I don't have a car well you wouldn't like it if he jump on your Playstation then right I don't have a Playstation either okay then what do you have a trampoline and I bet you wouldn't like it if he jump on you're just as the cop realized where he had been baited to he went silent visibly mad they got back in their car and left that was a splendid comeback if that's real that's amazing we got in trouble once at the local park because we were there after dark a cop rolled up and scolded us we said we didn't know we couldn't be there he said didn't you see the sign over there and my friend said no it's dark cop was pissed but just shoot us away one of my old bosses whom I loved working for was snarky and sarcastic with myself and the other employees we loved it it lightened the mood and there were some nasty burns in there he also happened to be gay one day he was complaining about some sample he tried at Whole Foods which I've a glee remember as being kale water or some other such nonsense it's Whole Foods I'm sure you can imagine his comment was god it was awful it tasted like butthole that was covered in lawn clippings I popped my head around the corner and said well Tim and the only gay guy in vegetarian here you're the most qualified to make that statement he just kind of stared at me and sputtered for a bit I no longer work for him but even now we'll laugh about it was eating alone in the cafeteria one day in high school and this jerk wad comes by and says suiting with all your friends I replied nass sitting with all yours he was deflated that was our /s credit and I want to hear your best come back down in the comments

Channel: rSlash

Views: 1,324,790

Keywords: reddit, r/, rslash, r\, sub, subreddit, best of reddit, reddit top posts, top posts, top posts of all times, funniest posts, funny, comedy, funniest reddit posts, funny reddit posts, funny reddit, fails, cringe, beggar, askreddit posts, funny askreddit, ask reddit, askreddit, r/askreddit, askreddit top posts, askreddit funny, askreddit question

Id: D2pEQ4d8qFY

Length: 17min 31sec (1051 seconds)

Published: Sun Mar 31 2019