Pro Postal: Corkscrew Rules

[Music] corkscrew rules is a russian-made commercial expansion for postal - it was developed by Avalon style entertainment and published by akela a Cala disappointed fans [Music] the voices are all in Russian it never came out in the US however English voiceover was done for the Japanese release thanks to dedicated postal fan ll we got that for you it's not going to match up with the subtitles I have in fact I find that I don't get the entire picture of what's going on without both the voice and the subtitles you know with the Kelly's involvement you might think this is going to be bad like postal 3 oh no it's worse how are we feeling today what do you remember last total amnesia he doesn't know how to open a zipper oh well that's good quite nerd and roundish you should put more silicon down oh no this is how it starts they cut off the dudes Johnson if you guys are confused - get used to it long story short they cut a stick off and now he talks with a woman's voice yeah right I can't [ __ ] what's wrong with my voice maybe my balls are sleeping or something how are you my babies you can go patient drinks where's my dig dan I knew I should go easy on jerk him off [Laughter] [Music] [Applause] what yeah I'm gonna turn the music off because the Scot damn thing blasted my ears out of the title screen - I have to go look at billboards well first I need to get some guns some crack your standard postal - fair this looks more like an asylum than a hospital steal some money yeah get out of here sheet head nice bedside manner give me a break someone stole my dick which is the actual plot of this entire expansion [ __ ] where did she come from is this place haunted the search for drugs continues down the hall yeah okay do I even need drugs huh crazy people are blocking the exit now don't have any explosives yet let's check out the basement of course you know at least the sewers and postal - had guns and Taliban to shoot as far as I can tell there's nothing down here the only weapon I have is a slingshot this ladder seems to be the only way out you got to be [ __ ] kidding me I'm sure it's fine I've barely done anything illegal yet I'm not even armed [Music] [Music] let's try this a different way I'll get myself arrested which is the thing prison guards can do apparently this dude's gonna hold me to jail which is like 50 feet away I'll probably be closer to an armory quick no no this is a police station or hold on the malicious station which thankfully has some guns the police presence in this town is a bit much sometimes we see what the stores selling and if it's drugs oh I can take this okay vodka Stoli to be precise Stoli the official drink of postal - corkscrew rules themselves oh okay well vodka replaces crack in this game which is some [ __ ] because it only brings your health up to a hundred and set of 125 and you still get the withdrawal effects there's no real benefit to getting drunk except it pushes your health up to max but it messes up your vision and it's nice to see how a simple gameplay mechanic with an easily understandable cost-benefit system can be completely ruined because crack was fine why did you get rid of crack I recognize you [ __ ] your dude from gutter sweet who the [ __ ] are these guys why do they have weed bro shirts and zero chill this isn't part of a mission this just happens for no reason the police helped but you know they're still after me because I killed like 20 of them a minute ago I haven't even started doing the actual errand I have to do let's see here oh the billboards I have to look at it right next to the militias station where I just came from I thought it was maybe these billboards next to the militia station but it's not it's these here imagine detectives take note at big chef kids candy store mmmm I can't read any of the sides in this game I bet they're hilarious let me fill you in the dude pork screw as he's called was a porn star he had a magical [ __ ] just topped to your pie player real Pro okay time to go see a stripper at the culture house what the [ __ ] is a culture house before we get to that we have to skirmish with police because they seem to outnumber the regular citizenry and so if your wanted meter is even a little bit full you're gonna have to fight your way through this is Monday you might think that because this is a postal game you should walk into random buildings looking for weapons fun stuff am I went to an extent that's true but not to the extent that it helps you in any meaningful way there's no crack I find a ton of napalm but never actually find the napalm launcher I walk into a building and these people just run out and get the police immediately despite the fact that I'm not even inside any of their homes just this hallway the cops speed up this students dead shooting and moving here stop that bang dogs what the [ __ ] I didn't do anything don't ever get in trouble in Russia kids one of the brilliant new weapons besides a slingshot is the dirty socks which are [ __ ] socks that function exactly the same way the sisters do I think this is a sex crime now what is a culture house apparently it's a theater that's not the worst translation I've ever heard though I'm wondering why stripper is performing at a theater hey what's up honey your [ __ ] is still tad I'm not your honey dude I [ __ ] nuts I don't even know you know name only that dumb bus nickname and the only fact once when we were shooting that dog food commercial I don't think this game knows what stripper still sorry I forgot everything absolutely everything it's some [ __ ] have Nazir poor baby you want a [ __ ] it's free this game is throwing [ __ ] hard and fast at me and I don't think there's anything lost in the translation pad and I love that I already got my dick blown-off remember [ __ ] I I don't know if I should show this because on the one hand the stripper is eating the dude's [ __ ] which is the thing that the doctor installs when you get your dick cut off and it forces a female personality into your consciousness but on the other hand you can only tell by sound that that's what's happening so we're gonna mute that even though I oh wait there it goes I don't can we can we move on remember in postal 2 where you got most of the errands at the start of the day and you could do them in any order we don't do that here it just keeps giving you stuff to do one objective after the other making you walk all the way across town to get to the next thing which is let me check here bad game design the theater gets invaded by terrorists I don't know why I also don't know why they go down easier than any other NPC in postal to also fun thing the NPC's just spawn wherever out of nowhere places you've already cleared so I wait for them in the back until they're done spawning because it doesn't let me out of the [ __ ] building and when I kill the last one immediately the police raid the place and they shoot at me without second thought except when they don't know weight they still do hello how may I help you I want some [ __ ] reading is good but first you need to pay a fine that'll be 100 roubles they gave all the newspapers away to be used for s wipes oh I get to go halfway across town to the place where they publish the newspaper like I probably should have gone there first you know there's four [ __ ] days of this don't give me - Mara's newspaper Stoli don't be a fool so I get a newspaper I can't read it's probably really funny just full of gut busters I have to go back to the prison to talk to the search and who I assumed was the one who cut my Johnson off and he can't just walk around the prison it's a prison not a public park who do your hands behind your head so I go through the prison and kill everybody and steal money that I don't use because all I would really need to buy is vodka which everyone has because it's Russia and also it's way cheaper than crack ever was which is good because it's nowhere near as useful and I find the surgeon in solitary but then I get caught by two guards like that's a problem like I haven't gagged 90% of the staff of this prison already and they take me into the office and this warden may be a warden I don't know I've already been here and you can tell because there's corpses there for the guards I already murdered anyone who attempts to free a prisoner must be shot on sight you have five minutes to explain what happened do you see I'm a private detective I'm working on a case they often show me on TV my name is Holmes Sherlock Holmes this [ __ ] game it is kind of comforting to know what I'm gonna be doing in Hell there really was some other accidents like yours we think there may be a network of Surgeons that sell amputated limbs and organs they may be linked to al-qaeda somehow so watch your steps then it's money but I'm so [ __ ] tired already I barely move my feet okay time to go home and have a nap on the weazy Ben what a fine morning if I had a man right now hey what kind of talk is this what am I oh hey Cindy hi cancer mouse what you have to understand is that this is a different culture and a different time this was created all the way back in 2005 oh yeah 2005 that's prehistoric I remember that that's right so you shouldn't be criticizing this game for using yeah you wanna you Oh give me a hug cancer mouse why you I just come right here well oh yeah all right burns but it's so fuzzy what's on the menu today get some info from hucksters what we got three places to go this is starting to feel like postal right wrong because you have to go to them in a specific order or else you can't get into the others I'm gonna need to buy some vodka and I have a feeling I'm gonna be in a lot of fights that'll be 60 read those things for Chase and the shops are way jankier than the ones in postal 2 you can't just walk back up and buy another thing you have to oh Sh my name's eared is this if you say so 10 rubles sure beaver got his ass kicked you gotta be [ __ ] kidding me you just screwed me over a slice of pizza maybe it was a police discount I get you up by two with a nonconformist in the next map and so I get in trouble with the cops it's being on the police force a [ __ ] welfare program in this town why are there so many next time I'm letting the cops deal with them that's right I'm gonna play postal 2 and let the law I'll with these people [Music] [Music] this is awful is the boss here stroke my smooth thigh pretty face and I will tell you where you can find and first floor before you do the right to do that with the dialog I'm looking for the boss oh he's already left you know he went to well fourth the office fourth office what [Music] help oh no I forgot you got your dick chopped off so you can't use the pissed mechanic to put yourself out anymore why why would you do this I need a boss well you're nuts the bus won't talk with the likes of you but you can try your luck do second floor first the office to the left oh okay can I talk to the boss I think you're going where do they all come from anyway see if the office sure I say booze pubes people but I am a [ __ ] I'm looking for the boss he's inside third the office read my lips [ __ ] but I am a [ __ ] beast right [Music] is the boss here you scared me are you looking for the bus due to first the office hello they say yourself digs car sale I am sorry but I don't have a penis I mean an extra penis there was a porno company nearby it's called Jolie Oran maybe they will help you [Music] I have to go across the street into the basement of an abandoned house where they're running some kind of pornographic establishment not to be confused with the other pornographic establishment I'm gonna be honest I just want to make it through this thing this is not fun this whole thing shows what a balancing act postal 2 was you get one small aspect out of whack and the whole thing comes down you don't have I needed so I could lift pee like a man wait a minute wait a minute what are you a drag queen I'm not but you look very like it mr. Hall get a leech down there it will suck your blood and swell brought you by Stoli that thing I drank in college what I couldn't afford to Keela keep the hands away from this zipper I got you you porno dealer hey you're the guy who looks like a chick with a brad yes I'm talking to you move to the blue circle and jump but he doesn't he just what am I in the [ __ ] black lodge what is happening okay so the people in the booth start [ __ ] and then I leave I get my stuff back and the whole thing was pointless all it did was not made me laugh and take me farther from the place I needed to go cool okay so sama I mean beard says he'll reattach my dick if I find it in so many words y'all Breen's catching the falling stars I know who stole your great wonderful thing hey you [ __ ] yeah I mean you stop yeah but I said what you know who stole my did say evil people members of directors witnesses sacked thought that your mighty Beulah is a thread of day 'god i see the irony in osama bin laden sended me after religious fanatic short but it's not funny in a way that i would laugh at or with or at all let's just I would like to make a statement I like how in Russia they let 12 year olds write video games kill all these guys in the game tells you to go see a delegate I made enemies out of the fallow sectarians so dick worshippers that's that's the dudes head maybe he has two dudes Johnson too good ashen sir welcome do they advanced socially Society yes for shirt oh yeah right there it's a BAFTA award yes for short sometimes I miss the subtlety of postal two we have turned our attention to a certain group who call themselves non conformist they seduce children I'm done I'm shutting the show down close to the patreon it's not worth it I'm not sure if it's getting across how [ __ ] awful this is at least postal 3 cut out most of the walking around so I got to go to this mansion which is right next to the place I went to Tomino sama and I just got sent here and I got to go back the same way I came and the delegate sent me to get worn posters but he gives me nothing he gives me nothing we do not deal with stolen penises so thank you and goodbye I can't stand this anymore if I don't find that deed today I'll stop the damn call with old rags and put it back on cleaner holes there too ok no I gotta see the local man man Jimmy Dutch Inc I'm sorry who the local man man Jimmy Dutch Inc I'm not saying that those apples those are no that's no no that's impossible I gotta go see Jimmy the what in the [ __ ] I gotta go see Jimmy though oh ok no I'm in the gay bar and I get what Oh God I gotta go see Jimmy the Jimmy the criminal authority and he lives in an attic with pornography on the walls and he tells me the drug dealers stole my penis and of course they're all the way across town why wouldn't they be you have to help them get heroin out of an elephant's ass hole and I can't believe I'm saying this but I would prefer it if there was some actual gameplay here instead of a cutscene the drug dealers tell you that your penis is at the airport but some people attack and you have to you know and so I need a notarized photo ok I'll give you that photo but you have to pay me do a photo session for I'll give it to you because you get dressed and get in front of the camera my name's Ian and the notary is in this gay bar man who would have thought Russia might have a bit of an issue with the gays hey Sarah I need this part at this [ __ ] business already such a serious face such a mess around I'll get your paper taste it if you let me s [ __ ] you I playing this so you don't have to you don't actually have to bang this dude you say you're gonna come back the next day into it but but no you don't have to he signs off on it so you can go to the airport to get nightmares sorry I have to do your toilet here to receive your janitor hmm I've seen things in my life but never a seal on a dick so what that's a fine sealant it yeah you can have it you can't imagine how [ __ ] grateful I am that's clearly not a penis you have to go back to Osama to get it reattached and he wants to take it for himself because corkscrew have the best dick in the world and so I think he swaps with you say clam of my life I'm collecting human organs to turn into his superhuman I got lots of them our result since lever George Washington pushes scull Santa Klaus is burned she'll owe us yeah that's right she is a fake one now I go the jurors of that boy from the toothpaste TV ad a penis was what I needed to complete this cycle you wake up and it's the apocalypse it doesn't say that it doesn't say that it's the apocalypse maybe it's us somewhere in Russian I don't know the cats are just raining from the sky again and the game is super unstable so that's a postal to apocalypse for you so after I went under the knife at the oriental medical center and woke up at home I have to go back to the Oriental Medical Center all the way the [ __ ] across town to kill Osama again and it's weird and glitchy and unpleasant as I wait until the game says I can go into the building while cops gather at the gate because I'm killing all these guys who I guess work for Osama I just get drunker and drunker cuz this is absolute chaos happening here trying to kill Osama well these dudes spawn out of nowhere oh wait did you think that was Osama just because he was unreasonably hard to kill and dropped a bunch of guns no Osama is in the bathroom which is locked by a light switch and do just shoots him [Applause] that's not catch what that was just one really long low effort [ __ ] post that was sold for money and thank God akela got shut down I didn't have to pay for it good night and good luck I hate this I'm gonna do something better next time I'm thinking something special since there aren't really that many Christmas games I'm gonna have to do something people have requested forever [Music] [Music] [Music] you [Music]

Channel: Civvie 11

Views: 405,930

Rating: 4.9320588 out of 5

Keywords: cv, cv11, civvie11, civvie, civvie's dungeon, pro postal, postal 2, running with scissors, akella

Id: MxXe0JZJuMU

Length: 28min 37sec (1717 seconds)

Published: Sat Dec 07 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/Arguendo_Tornado]

I've always liked Civvie's reviews but these Postal videos are a whole new level of fun. I look forward to the next wave of YouTubers playing games in unique and interesting ways.

[u/redline489]

Remember seeing this on the shelf in the Russian game store I used to frequent as a kid. Wanted to buy it but the lady behind the counter wouldn't sell it to me. Ended up getting Dungeon Siege instead.

Boy am I grateful to her now.

[u/JumpoffThe]

Civvie might be my favorite youtube game reviewer in recent memory. If he's teasing Rise of the Triad, that should be a great video. Personally though i hope he tackles the Marathon games (and some of the mods) down the stretch.

[u/RareBk]

How in the fuck did these guys, out of all the mod groups, get chosen to make Postal 3?

[u/scottishdrunkard]

This is a weird and crap Postal game. I am amazed they were allowed to create PostalIII.

Postal 2 had offensive jokes, but they were at least hilarious. The ones here were just insults used to demean gay people. Wel, we can take pride im kowing that the guys who made this shut down.

[u/TheOneBearded]

Does anyone know what game he's foreshadowing at the end of the video?

[u/TheNihilistGaming]

Anybody know how he got the English vocals from the Japanese version installed? I cant seem to find any info on that.

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Thanks!