(old and crap) DOOM: The Movie (2005) / Fish in a Barrel

oh hey this looks fun tv and a dvd player huh reminds me of high school when the teacher was hungover you know like the day after st patrick's day or wednesday what do we got here some bill nye the science guy some mythbusters and junkyard wars oh [ __ ] you [ __ ] you this isn't going to teach me anything about science [Music] [Music] welcome to the dungeon this is sylvia levin and oh boy if we got a treat today i forgot this movie existed remember doom yeah remember that game well that game is basically in my opinion the king of video games it's a citizen kane of video games just look at it all you kids stay with your call of duty and your stop it pop [ __ ] shooters this game is why any of those exist for better or worse but we're not playing to him today oh no because that would be fun no today i guess we're watching the cinematic adaptation of doom called doom and i'm apologizing ahead of time to carl urban because she seems like a total bro and also the rock i don't know the name of anybody else in this movie though but i bet people were hyped when this came out if you're gonna adapt to first person share to render a movie i i i guess i would have done wolfenstein first but doom is a solid bat unless you decide to [ __ ] it from the beginning will doom fans enjoy this movie i promise you we stayed loyal to the video game what made the video game pioneering and everything that it was unapologetic violence we did that and then some in the year 2026 archaeologists working in the nevada desert discovered a portal to an ancient city on mars twenty years later we're still struggling to understand why it was built and what happened to the civilization that built it i'm guessing they built it because being on mars kind of sucks i mean the climate temperature harsh conditions that you you know what i'm not doing it it's doom you can't question the plot we'll be here all day holy [ __ ] this movie is darker than doom three [Music] oh oh i get it dr carmack but is it adrian or john there were two carmax movie and i gotta assume you mean john and if it is then this movie's gonna be over real quick since john carmack is a [ __ ] rocket scientist and will probably get to mars long before this movie takes place it's not a carmack classified research although maybe if you say carmack enough we'll get it this is based on a thing that oh [ __ ] never mind can we just can we just oh [ __ ] this how much of a marine is the rock search and destroy orders received and understood well he sounds really serious and he has semper fi tattooing on his back which means he is 100 a marine okay time to get introduced to our characters here's the black guy who's probably gonna die first i don't know whether to talk about the completely goddamn ridiculous gaming device he has in his hands or the completely goddamn ridiculous gaming device he has in his hands it looks like galaxian and sounds like a tiger electronic game this is 2005. i i mean 21 go [ __ ] yourself pick up a ds there aren't any buttons on the back of that what is god damn it it's not five minutes in yo this game's layered man this game is layered what the [ __ ] are you talking about here's this guy i think his name is he's he's wearing a hawaiian shirt because he's a party animal and then there's this guy who puts a cross on and i guess that's his character you can also see him with a pocket bible i wonder what that means six months without a weekend the goddamn transporters are five minutes late and that's five minutes r r i ain't never gonna get back i'm going down to el honta i'm gonna lock myself in a motel room with a bottle of tequila and three she boys oh man i'm not judging you but you're gonna need more tequila and more hands also please kill me i'm sick of your filth why i don't think the bible says anything about tequila or ladyboys they weren't really a thing yet listen up man leave is canceled kid oh god son you are now in the rapid response tactical squad the double rts and he's dead wow that was fast so we don't know most of these characters names except john duke kid and portman but it's okay because they have guns that in a brilliant tactical fashion say each of their names who isn't the tough black guy who isn't built duke from predator take it down a notch carl urban i'm so [ __ ] sorry oh god you deserve better i just want to hug you tell you it's gonna be all right but it's not so the men ride this helicopter and reload their guns dramatically until they get to the ark how long's it been 10 years i'm sure she's even still up there they're talking about her sister played by rosamund pike she's a scientist but not an old man scientist named after a video game developer an attractive scientist with makeup in the middle of a quarantined base full of monsters i guess you gotta face a demon sometimes you hesitate people die okay so this thing with the kid is really starting to piss me off you got the squad of badass marines right and you got the rock telling the new guy you hesitate people die i feel like that would be part of the basic training you know not part of the first mission on an elite task force they're sending to another [ __ ] planet with an hour's notice you're gonna leave behind a guy who's field stripping like 10 [ __ ] rifles over here so he doesn't have to talk to his baby sister but this guy oh yeah he's in definitely [ __ ] this movie so everybody goes to mars [Music] there was a time when our travel was susceptible to let's say major turbulence was he mean he means he went to one galaxy his ass went to another so i guess he didn't get his ass to mars marcus penzorowski you call me pinky follow me oh i get it i don't remember the pink demon ever having wheels but whatever it's something but wait he's he's not he's not a demon man on my three one two three this is how professionals handle firearms you point them all around at each other uh loaded and ready we're under level five quarantine so i am just gonna have to stretch sergeant this is dr samantha grimm the uac science officer assigned to retrieve data from the lab sergeant sarge this operation's a code red we really don't have room for passengers excuse me but i have orders to retrieve data from three servers anthropology forensic archaeology and genetics adding the waypoints to your map now don't say this character has nothing to do in this movie finally done here because i've got a job to do if you'll follow me you chose this reaper oh his last name is grim and they call him reaper that's good i mean it's not good it's cringy as [ __ ] but i guess it's better than calling him flynn in one of the carbon dating labs there was an internal phone left off the hook did you get any information from it is that a [ __ ] tape recorder so the team splits up and enters the dark dark dark [ __ ] facility how am i supposed to see the black guy die so grim and his sister locked themselves in the only room with a light switch that's probably a good [Music] idea the hell is that you never did time for me what what kind of time did you do in a pit with a computer in it because i've been in a very similar situation and it surprised the [ __ ] out of me oh boy we're in it now folks this is totally like doom nothing could ruin it even terrible expository dialogue papers parents are the first team of archaeologists to all divide they died in some accident when he was a kid she followed in their footsteps and he didn't i mean of course i'd want to spend my life in a spooky place where my parents died wouldn't you it's cathartic like oh [ __ ] god this is dumb i i gotta i got a timeout i got a timeout okay here's a giant glaring problem with this movie see how we're cutting between characters moving around dark hallways that you can't see anything in and how you have absolutely no spatial awareness like where this guy is compared to this guy okay look at this from aliens right where they check out the colony and they find gross things in glass tubes and stuff you know squad marines and we know they're separated but they're always in contact it's dark but you can see the environment they're in and because you can see it it gives you some clues as to what happened are you seeing this all right looks melted somebody missed the bag with these bad guys here and you have some light banter and shenanigans from the characters screwing around so not bill duke not to be confused with duke it's not a race thing look at this guy right here and look at bill duke at predator there you go so not bill duke shines a light around the hallway and it cuts to a light shining on the kid's face so not bill duke is right there next to him right no there's nobody behind him he's alone in a dark hallway with dangerous fire extinguishers no wait now he's there after the kid emptied a whole [ __ ] clip into a smoke machine holy [ __ ] oh yeah meet lucy lucy this is my brother john another creature from the long lost past you found human remains humanoid lady it's a movie it's the same thing stop nitpicking please this is lucy's chromosome profile notice anything she's got 24 pairs of chromosomes humans only have 23. but what does the extra pair do makes her super human makes her superhuman how did you come to that conclusion was the fact that she was posed like a horrified child clutching a doll at the time of her death wouldn't she in fact be super martian because she's not actually human her cells divide 50 times faster meaning she heals almost instantly yet she's dead the fossil record indicates these people had conquered disease i don't know what this has to do with demons from hell they were so smart how come they're so dead a shitty line but a valid point so these two find dr carmack and he's gone a little funny so he's holding someone's hand and i'm betting this is when we get some possessed human action this should be good also they turned some lights on again but he knows me john the guy covered in blood holding a severed arm knows you oh okay yeah i get it he's creepy move along the kid is kind of shook up he's a rookie a newbie and he's stuck with this creepy [ __ ] so he decides to take some drugs that this creepy [ __ ] has so kitten portman head into the room with the metal grates and pipes and oh [ __ ] i think that's reaper so reaper and kid no oh no no so so reaper and duke so reaper and bill duke so reaper and not bill duke so reaper and gop had this movie's run time by pointing flashlights at things and goat kicks a can down metal grates and then oh god no that's not necessary please don't oh boy man when those demons show up this is gonna be fun got this crazy religious zealot who cuts himself whenever he says god god damn it even though his arm is covered in those wounds they still let him be an army man how does one get out of this chicken [ __ ] outfit so these two drugged up marines find a naked woman in the locker room [Applause] [Music] ma'am okay even though that kill had zero weight because it only shows them firing you have the words in blood you have crazy possessed girl it's not quite doomed but it's getting there they're leading up to it i have a good feeling that this might turn around on us so back to dr carmack what happened in there uh it's pretty vague but i'm guessing someone needs to shut down a portal to hell right carl urban of the rock could be on that [ __ ] like [ __ ] on [ __ ] so reaper and goat shoot the people holding on to zombie clint howard's wires and not bill duke gets scared by a monkey and sarge gets monkey blood on his hand and this woman whoever she is she's taking carmax blood and then they're running through these dark hallways chasing something that looks like a doom 3 amp and that means that we need to go into the sewer because in 2005 even the movies had sewer levels i can handle things here you should go i want to stay who the [ __ ] are you steve's gonna be okay oh that's right she's steve's wife who the [ __ ] is steve guys looking for him are the best is she dr impakowski professor archville von buehler no i got another one in me hold on uh medtech lilly mancubus so carmack wakes up and strips and everybody goes into the sewer which you can tell isn't the same as everywhere else because there's water on the ground we got a dr willetts steve willis dr steve willits okay so it's mrs willits they split up and look for the monster and then this isn't happening not seeing much difference honestly now we're talking imp attack and it uh sucks him why wha no no uh no fireballs everyone get to the ark now the quarantine zone evacuate the entire facility what the [ __ ] is going on up here what this is what what that's not what golden eye shot at in genetics well how the [ __ ] can you tell they all look pretty similar and it's really dark so everyone gets evacuated and sarge says the ark is sealed nothing gets back until everything on this planet is dead which i mean would include you guys rock is getting a little bit of the space madness from the monster's super blood with a little deductive reasoning i can figure out the plot a little bit so these monsters are mutated versions of the scientists and staff and they can infect others and make them mutate there aren't any demons in this movie are there you guys made a doom movie without demons are you planning to remake jaws without the shark maybe take the guns on a rambo the aliens out of aliens the goddamn demons and a god damn doom what you could have demons in your movie as long as they're shot with a [ __ ] handicam doc give me a shotgun and a barrel of fish i am done taking this movie [ __ ] done with people walking around dark hallways pointing their gun and flashlight at things i'm done we're not covering it anymore hey you remember mac yeah don't worry about it oh they're in the dig now but they run upstairs to the lobby and back to the steam tunnels sarge goes out alone finds the arm from earlier and takes the bfg in the lab goat comes back and kills himself this thing didn't butcher willis it is yeah we know move along so not bill duke gets power slammed by a thing that looks like the hell knight from doom three straight into the pit and apparently he can't see it either but to be fair he lasts longer than anybody else yeah lit off some steam bennett oh yeah and portman dies in the [ __ ] i guess that fits i'm sick you know what i want to take some sins off this isn't bad it's not how the bfg works but whatever it's impressive enough i guess it's a big [ __ ] gun too bad we never see anything get killed with it what are you people working on up here we're analyzing bones artifacts we're not doing anything like this then what the [ __ ] is that it must be a genetic mutation it may even be reversible dr carmack's condition is irreversible because carmack's condition is that he's dead yeah shoot some [ __ ] monsters you killed like one monster this entire time in a movie based on a game where you kill more monsters in the first level than there are in the entirety of this movie shoot more monsters please sarge is clearly going crazy but at the same time he's actually trying to move the alleged plot forward so sarge is the good guy here subject was injected with study agent 003 what the hell are we looking at genesis chapter do i even need to explain why that's the stupidest [ __ ] line in the movie which is 50 stupid lines and 50 terrible soldiers running around in the dark so man is playing god by adding weird martian chromosomes to man which causes mutations like this instead of turning them into a potato i'm sorry i thought that was a medical term i mean [ __ ] no i mean severely handicapped i mean severely handy capable excellent job cb 11. you [ __ ] bondlord this movie is actually resident evil in space on mars evil serum turns people into hideous mutants that regenerate health yeah okay fine invincible mutants this is such a [ __ ] up of the premise that they could have called the super mario brothers and no one would have said a goddamn thing super mario brothers this ain't no game see the rock he's a mario and carl urban he's a luigi and rosario dawson is a beach and this guy right here is a goomba and this guy is my waning will to [Music] manifest live subject's extremities okay if you had gone with the demons from hell thing none of the shitty completely wrong and terrible science in this movie would matter just throw it out there don't you get it it's this place it's hell it always was i lied that's the stupidest line in this movie what are you doing we need to destroy these discs do you not see what's going on i didn't see [ __ ] and i ain't paid to see [ __ ] no you're paid to be in [ __ ] i thought being in the [ __ ] was a figure of speech no wait that actually works this guy double taps a possible zombie i think we found our hero in this movie and it is duke hey so remember pinky he got taken away off screen this demon uh excuse me this mutant cut through this door somehow we don't see it but it must be something great because he made a pentagonal hole like it cut through with a lightsaber sam sam why didn't you ask your cop we gotta go now why do they take goat and not destroy it why carmack and not dr thurman okay i'll bite what had the 24th chromosome but she wasn't a monster she died protecting her child not devouring it why the same chromosome that made her superhuman turn stall into a monster let's go just give me a minute we don't have them give me 10 seconds i'll give you ten seconds baby hmm this is its tongue this is brain matter from portman now i still don't get it this is from destroyer it's choosing john it's choosing who to infect yeah that guy named destroyer he had a heart of gold so the mutant virus only picks bad people so we have to assume that sarge is really a bad guy the kind of bad guy who says hey i know it would be emotionally difficult for you to do a mission with your estranged sister but i'm giving you a choice whether or not to go rather than ordering you to stay which is what i would do if i thought it was going to jeopardize the mission in any way whatsoever what an [ __ ] choosing how's it choosing there are genetic markers for psychotic and violent behavior ten percent of the human genome is still unmet some say it's the genetic blueprint for the soul maybe c24 is what destroyed the population people quarantined on the other side of the ark they won't all be infected what's going on sarge is going to kill them all yeah this is an ignorant decision but when you have a virus that turns people into monsters and to prevent it from getting to earth you have to kill a few dozen colonists i'd do that i'd make that deal would you make that i'd make that deal i don't blame you damn good deal so the threat level goes to orange and teal as sarge kid and duke get everybody back through the ark and then everybody else gets killed so they run through some dark corridors for a while and then holy [ __ ] zombies more than one at a time see this [ __ ] this is kind of doom sam and reaper are right behind them sarge come in do you copy [Applause] i'm clear look do not kill everybody i repeat do not kill everybody they're not all infected give you a copy help me please copy that i guess he's evil now why don't you stand here you dumb son of a [ __ ] help me up hey pinkie's alive yay oh hey mrs willits i forgot to tell you your husband is a horrible mutated monster there's a storeroom to the south it's got like 20 people hold up inside of it we got to do something your orders were to clear that sector okay let's just get on with that go to hell holy [ __ ] he was just 40 years from retirement double weapons i mean it have no intention of being killed by a madman drop the weapons oh there's something behind me isn't it and it's almost a doom movie while they stop to shoot a bunch of zombies duke gets hudsoned and then the rock gets burped and then reaper is badly injured and his sister tries to save his life by injecting him with the super demon blood what's that c-24 no it could save you no like forget it you don't know me a fair point how long's it been ten years you're my brother i know you i hate this movie but things are looking up because it's time for the only thing worth watching in this movie only 90 minutes in and a very competently directed first person action sequence where unlike every other scene you can tell what's happening where the character is going and is in relation to everything else and honestly this [ __ ] going around blasting [ __ ] out of monsters and the music and the inventive kills this could have been the whole goddamn movie this is [ __ ] fantastic and with the gore the explosions and oh god the chainsaw on the big even if the pinkie looks like the doom three one this right here is [ __ ] doom this is ripping and tearing being a minute and a half going berserk this works and the fact that it's surrounded by such a shitty movie makes my [ __ ] blood boil last man standing reaper well that's over time for sergeant reaper to fight you killed the kid we're all killers reaper it's what they pay us for not technically wrong semper fi [ __ ] i lied that's the worst line in the movie john i thought we could settle this like men you might be thinking why is there a wire fight in my doom movie why is the rock power slamming reaper what is even going on why is he wrapping an inanimate carbon rod over his hand why didn't reaper just shoot him what what so reaper sends them through the ark and then sends a grenade through go to hell nah that doesn't happen i wish it did look i'm not the only person who thinks this movie sucks but i really can't hate on carl urban or the rock they did the best they could with this [ __ ] it just seems like there was a board of executives somewhere saying no let's take the demons out it's too controversial that's why the game was controversial so instead it's mutants even though we're just gonna call them demons some of the music is really good and really do me and i don't mind them completely changing the story if the one they replaced it with wasn't even dumber i i mean the story in the ultimate doom you go back to hell to avenge the death of your pet rabbit daisy that's that's that's real that's canon you take the fun futuristic sci-fi of horrible teleportation accidents and replace it with science that could be questioned by someone who never graduated high school oh fish incoming okay first of all leeches are not [Music] fish [Music] you

Channel: Civvie 11

Views: 505,440

Keywords: gaming, review, entertainment, civvie11, civvie's dungeon, comedy, doom, doom movie, doom 2005, doom 2005 review, doom review, civvie, civvies dungeon, civilization, angry review, movie criticism, movie critique, pain and suffering, fps, nostalgia

Id: HZ7kSIdXBpc

Length: 29min 6sec (1746 seconds)

Published: Fri Mar 31 2017