MAX PAYNE: THE MOVIE - THE CRAPPENING

[Music] I thought it would be a cold day in hell before I tried to critique another movie on this show YouTube a sunken mo of greed and corruption of a shadow looming over online entertainment like an angry stepfather and me the unlucky ginger kid at the receiving end of a beating this video would get flagged faster than a priest in a whorehouse but I had questions that needed answering okay just one question and I got to stop doing this I can't do the noir thing without whiskey and cigarettes like bogie you know he wanted War City we were prepared for an enjoyable performance CV 11 why I have a question that's been rattling around in my brain for a while and also another thing here that's probably not good I think it broke off the parietal implant I know I'm missing some stuff in there like when I lean right I feel all kinds of funny you got all these movies based on video games that don't have stories your Super Mario Brothers doom what-have-you and all those are terrible I understand that adapting a video game could be a problem but what if I told you that you could make a movie based on a video game a game that takes its inspiration from movies film noir in Hong Kong action specifically and has a good story and tone and script and you can turn that into a movie you think this would be easy and it is the people who made this movie this Max Payne movie right here they had to put in a lot of hours lose a lot of sleep I just worked their hearts out in order to [ __ ] up this much I didn't even get a real copy of this like I got it in a two-pack with some other movie no one remembers in this pack called to Mark Wahlberg favorites and if I was choosing two movies to put in here it would definitely be the department and the happening what No Mark Wahlberg delivers an explosive performance of this action-packed thriller based on the legendary hard-hitting video game this is a movie from director John Moore who made other classics such as The Omen remake and a good day to die hard which I can see being on the show in the future it is atrocious and also from the writer of Max Payne the movie that's all he's ever written he's credited his grip on this other thing there's an army of bodies into this river criminals people ran out of time out of France so this is the first seed we got a flashback and a flash-forward like in the game but instead of an action scene at the beginning of your action movie we're back Spade toe tags with junkies who killed his family he instead goes into the baby room you know the baby room his baby doesn't have a name so they just put baby on the door so we'd know his wife is dead naturally his narration these flashbacks I mean they're getting a little bit wrong but otherwise I'm onboard this is the kind of [ __ ] that Max Payne said in that film noir like inner monologue he had in the game the American dream come true honey I'm home but dreams have a nasty habit of going bad when you're not looking we're one week earlier from that [ __ ] where Max is dying in a river and Max is working in the cold-case office you know instead of being an undercover cop who's good at his job this guy whoever he is says NOSSA story there is nothing his wife and Kent were murdered they never found the guy that's a story okay yeah sure this guy's first words to max are you want to grab a beer after work what do you say we got a beer after work or something and that's okay that's cool max doesn't respond says nothing because that's how max payne rolls except it's not ever ragnarok was Latinos private nightclub and then it was built into an old theater desk somewhere at home I assume and looks at a bunch of guns and ammo and then suddenly he's out at Rosco Street Station you know from the game and his watch is ticking in the shot because it matters because these junkies want his nice watch he's just leading him in and they drop a vial of Valkyr with the Acer corporation logo on it please remember that for later but not so fast Max Payne has to be a terrible cop you follow us [ __ ] no long following yeah we don't see any of this five detective work slash stalking and entrapment and he gets into a fistfight with him not a gunfight but he does shoot a gun through some bathroom stalls this is your first action scene and if you thought you were gonna get some jumping around shooting two guns in slow motion yeah okay but here's what usually happens when somebody pulls a gun on Max Payne and here's what happens in this movie one guy starts running away he runs into a dark subway tunnel instead of you know not doing that and using one of those exits that Subway's have max is too busy Mark Wahlberg in showing this doodle of his wife and interrogating him at gunpoint let's go open your eyes now you ever seen this woman you know Max Payne is basically dead inside right he's not really really shouting or from Boston but that's not important what is important is that this guy is running through a subway tunnel being chased by shadow monsters it reminds me of that scene from ghost no not that one what a crock yeah yeah that one then he gets hit by a train as you do when you run around in a subway tunnel like a dumb [ __ ] I know he's tripping balls right now but he seems up for mugging people and attacking cops maybe he might still have enough situational awareness to know that this is a bad idea he knows to run away from Mark Wahlberg so this is the first action scene of the movie and max Paige shoots zero people this is pg-13 remember max goes to his stitch this guy whoever you're looking for there's no way they're still out there you're chasing ghosts max oh I get it you know I can just see a studio executive saying Mark Wahlberg is hot right now you know who else is hot Mila Kunis and then that executive probably jerked off in front of Mila Kunis she has a crew of mobsters with her you can just tell that they're mobsters and she plays Mona sax toughest nails contract killer for the Russian mob i buy that mila kunis is your sister about as much as i buy that she's leading these guys around she's a foot shorter and I'm terrified to hear or try a Russian accent max needs to follow her to get some information because he's a detective you know and he sees some lesbians some drugs and then Jack Lupino is standing next to him and this girl circles around and prevents this from turning into a Max Payne gunfight but then this girl takes some Valkyr and starts seeing shadow monsters but wait I skipped over the scene where max takes this girl back to his apartment and he clearly doesn't want to [ __ ] her was going out of her room back there what was the guy with the tattoos on his face that's a pretty bad taste but that max instead of Nutting up and getting information out of this chick he throws her out now she gets attacked by shadow monsters in the alley which Max doesn't hear because he's making tea of course it's implied that Lupino kills her and hey Donal Logue here to character act this movie up to a d-minus jumping like Donald Logue is Max's old partner I don't I don't know his name it doesn't matter he's gonna be dead in five minutes lupito is just sitting on the roof watching this [ __ ] not one of those cops looked up saw that creepy guy with all the tattoos stalking the rooftops near a murder scene Max Payne detective professional doesn't understand why his wallet being on a dead prostitute might be a more serious problem I don't have much hope for that girl in the alley so what'd you think I did everything everything he's still out there somewhere Donna Lok you were given way too much to this movie and you deserve better Mila Kunis hears that her sister is dead from this contact she has in the police department and Donald lo gets the case on his desk and recognizes those tattoos and they're on one of the dead guys for Max's wife's murder come on you're gonna kill him off he's gonna die some mark Whalberg can have some motivation to do some revenge I mean no I haven't seen this movie before I just know where this is going and I know that Donald Logue is a classic dude we'll take a job if he's only in two scenes and then dies the man is a professional you don't even see him die he's just dead and Max gets beat up in this movie has this weird fascination with turning the frame red when it gets punched it's just like the video game guys here's what the scene looks like without me slowing it down or chopping it up and you could almost kind of tell what's happening and he gets his ass kicked and wakes up in the hospital with Beau Bridges I got six shots off I hit something someone you gotta check the hospital bags yeah but you do know their number right the whole force has you pegged as the prime suspect and you tell them where to find me wait starts in an hour wait the wake how long has max been passed out two-three days really hey Chris O'Donnell how you been man living that good life being an ear extra in this piece of [ __ ] so they walk up to the Acer corporation and Max thinks nothing of it because he's a [ __ ] detective it didn't find that vial on the subway floor when he interrogated that junkie you know the one with the Acer logo on it that's it Valkyr so here's Horne the main villain from the first game we're 30 minutes in and there hasn't been a single gunfight I know how all this is gonna turn out and Donald Logue is dead Bob rich is the head of security of a sir and so he's clearly corrupted gonna betray backs and let's say 45 minutes I really hope other things happen between now and then his name is BP Beau Bridges his name in the movie his character is called BB I thought I'd benshan it there at the wake and holy [ __ ] he's dressed like Max Payne somebody had to die but it happened what it taking is one word from you enough what have you done max what is Max Payne done almost nothing he pulled a Jack Bauer on a junkie in a bathroom but even then he sucks at his job because the Apple are mentioned file of that super drug left in the middle of the subway platform that he [ __ ] missed if those are in circulation with [ __ ] acer's logo on all of them I just get the feeling that they're not very good criminals Jesus lady I know your husband is dead and he was the awesome Donal Logue but that's kind of harsh that's the kind of thing max paid says in the inner monologue that this movie forgot about after the first flash-forward at the beginning so they leaped awake and then detective Bavaro who got a sick - motion from the game where he was the chief now he's internal affairs Jim bravura internal affairs I need you to come me now yeah now max instead of just coming clean and saying yeah that dad friend of mine said he wanted to tell me about a connection between my wife's murder and this one which could possibly exonerate me and also would be of interest to the police department now he acts like an [ __ ] and walks away let's hope that's so good makes you look guilty I understand that right yeah yeah that's yes Max walks into the homicide department in a precinct where everybody thinks he's guilty and knows his face and he just walks into his dead friends office after all these people he's [ __ ] cops they could stop him you know unless he locks that door behind him there's nothing all of these cops could do max uses the work of other good detectives to get a lead we learned about 10 minutes ago and because there are police banging down the door in a police station he jumps out the window Beau Bridges walks into a bar and asked the bartender where max is and the punch line is that max is in the alley so making his presence known to the bartender in the first [ __ ] place in a bar the cops frequent who hate him right now is no no no wait there's these obvious Russian mobsters here maybe we'll get one of those action scenes I hear so much about 35 minutes into this movie god damn it you need to talk about my sister partner was killed too we're both looking for the same person yeah yeah if you know it was him just shoot him you're not a cop almost probably the last person who saw our life yeah except for the guy that left his wallet laying by her body does that sound like something a homicide cop gets wrong I don't know man you get a lot of [ __ ] wrong and you're about to partner up with a mob assassin they're gonna go look for the guy who Natasha was talking to on the phone before she died technically it was lupito which the audience already knows so why are we doing this did you want a slow-motion gunfight and your max paid movie well here's a slow motion Max Payne fails to save some guy who's been in the movie for like a minute who gets pulled out of a window by a shadow monster lupito is still there nothing's happening with him I don't even know why he's in this scene or this movie I'm accident Mona go to this tattoo parlor Natasha used to go to cuz all the guys that the wraptor had these tattoos I wanted to get this tattoo this one that's a Norse Valkyrie Valkyries fly over the battlefield picking out the rash is dead oh yeah here I also have this book on Norse mythology in my desk remember in the game when this was all just symbolic and subtext where you could just go through the game and notice it and be like hey yeah okay I get that the bar is called Ragnarok yeah the only way you get to go to heaven is to die in violence you mean Valhalla which isn't really heaven Hey look Jackalope Edo is back they get in protection tattoos for him because he's uh he's giving him drugs and yelling at them in Spanish why does it kill this junkie don't you watch the junkies to live so they can keep habitually using your drug Jack Lupino was crazy all right Maximo to go to the docks because Mona moves the plot forward and this she needs to talk to this guy what about the tattoos how what do they mean didn't we just have this scene then devil is building it on me this is devil heaven name is it Jack Lupino the one you are looking for is loopy no no [ __ ] then the movie flashes back to the previous scene that happened a minute ago yes literally a goddamn minute ago it's another club he's saying you go to this place in the game to see in the game Jack Lupino is a drug pusher who's gone off the deep end kind of like here except in the game there's action and gunfights and we haven't had one of those yet but we're only 45 minutes into this Max Payne movie still got an in with the cops right see if they know anything about a detective Max Payne [ __ ] you have been in with the cops remember when they gave you that [ __ ] photo copy of axis license that [ __ ] cop Max Payne he's been hunting me years old he came down the door he's looking for something and God wants to stay he did Mila Kunis and this guy are playing a game I like to call who can have the longest awkward pause in a line yeah but justice dead you know anything about it she would not be the last what about the tattoos how what do they mean the wings mocks Devin then definitely building is not me yeah for [ __ ] sake you had a gate with a fine story why didn't she just call sam lake the guy behind max paynt story and script and his original face and you say hey sam you want us to pay you more money than anyone's ever paid you before to write a script for this major Hollywood movie Mila Kunis looks fairly disinterested this whole movie so I'm just gonna highlight it now there we go maxi starts cruising around the city I guess Mona found her way home he's just remembering things people said to him you know as you do as a Norse Valkyrie gognitti self-storage referring to fit he got DD I would think where's Latinos oh yo dad start finis I remember him but no in this movie he's probably Pakistani and has a [ __ ] pet gorilla well no wait no vinnie gognitti he's not in this movie he's just got his name on the self storage place but max he has like an office in the storage facility he's apparently got a lot of files down there he sees the wing on the Acer logo and pieces together the thing he would have known 50 minutes ago if he wasn't [ __ ] this is why you're in the cold case office max max gets the name of his wife's old supervisor and weren't we supposed to go to the Ragnarok Club to deal with Jack loopy no did we just drop that if you thought that was losing focus max gets on a train in an uncharacteristically empty New York station and goes home so Beau Bridges can tell prefer Oh max paints tragic backstory he lived in New Jersey oh and some junkies killed his wife and baby but we already knew that max paid actually shoots a couple of guys not in slow-motion or in any kind of exciting action scene kind of way because we already know he survives this part but how long did that take 53 [ __ ] minutes this Max Payne movie took 53 minutes before Max Payne shot someone this flashback is basically straight from the game except in the game it's not [ __ ] it's actually the first thing you do in the game and even with this no it's kind of gut wrenching because the presentation of the sound design and flashes of the bloody crib and you know if those things filmmakers do to make things pop this Max Payne just goes [ __ ] numb the minute it happens Oh No understand this is my old partners kid wait what he's family you gotta help him man he's your old partners kid was that mentioned before doesn't even matter so Chris O'Donnell is back you remember him he's that guy who was Max's wife's old boss he finds horn a file on sergeant jack Lupino no what no he goes back into work but detective so max paid is a wanted man right how the [ __ ] is he able to go all of these places last night he's in Jersey today he walks into a major corporations wife used to work at that everybody knows during one of those pretty common wintertime New York thunderstorms max tries to get information out of Chris O'Donnell but this guy is just the best cop bravura is downstairs coincidentally max it's just gonna keep punching this guy until he spills the information the audience already goddamn knows incumbent this sounds familiar like a serum that makes you terrible and crazy unless you're a good guy and then it turns you superhuman all this shit's starting to run together for me guys some Semper Fi [ __ ] he drove them insane yes uncontrollable effects that made everyone go crazy and see the same things except like one guy who went crazy and also became Superman that last part I buy in the game lupito is a [ __ ] beast so now max knows that his wife was killed because of the drugs and the baby was killed because you know whatever not that he mentions the baby he doesn't give a [ __ ] about the baby max drags this guy into the office at gunpoint and I think we might have a real action scene on our hands one that lasts more than 10 seconds and isn't just max perforating a couple junkies we are one our end [Music] max hides behind a cabinet blind fires for a while then shoots a sprinkler which causes all the sprinklers to go off and get this he does dive in the air while shooting at a door hey remember Mona she's still in this movie she finds max wherever this place is and they watch a promotional video on Val Cure how is your experience of combat improved since taking the drug Valkyr well I'm nervous scared for starters oh we're doing this now we're finally doing this you think that if he puts out of your misery you'll be with them again is this thing her character does now give a [ __ ] it's kind of new you guys ever see the movie hard boiled how about the first [ __ ] scene of hard-boiled which has more action in it than this entire movie it was probably made for like a quarter of the budget [Applause] max enters Ragnarok and starts killing [ __ ] he basically teleports to get this guy here maybe we're on track now he's still not really Max Payne since he acts nothing like the character ever did he finds what I guess is a Valkyr lab these dumb henchmen shoot the place up looking for him probably losing tens of thousands of dollars in product doesn't matter since they're gonna die anyway max pops up from a place that it's easily within their field of you to shoot them with a pump-action shotgun and holy [ __ ] kids it's bullet time and it's [ __ ] is it weird to complain that the bullet time is too slow and that there isn't much tension when the bullets hit things several feet away from the target and that you just got b-roll of a guy hitting the wall and not this guy up here getting shot all right enough of this Max Payne [ __ ] we have to have Lupino talking max for a while until beau [ __ ] bridges kills him with one shot lame as [ __ ] so this other guy knocks max out and then cuffs him and instead of shooting him in the head he walks up to the docks so he can do a Bond villain evil plan explanation and they're gonna throw max into the frozen river even though earlier that day it was warm enough for a thunderstorm and also they could just shoot him and dump his body figuring out how to put the drug on the street how to make use of Lupino and the rest of them that was easy but only because of Michelle first problem I really saw for myself second where's the baby wait what he killed the baby what was the baby in on it why the [ __ ] did you mention the baby you're gonna weigh max down okay you're gonna weigh him down but you're gonna put two vials of Valkyr in his pocket are those the same vials with the obvious Acer company logo on them you [ __ ] dick Max escapes which is why you should have shot him and then dump the body why even dump the [ __ ] body if you're gonna make it look like a suicide he's a copy or his gun freeze today yes yes he will should have already yeah she's got a Pamela Voorhees this [ __ ] and tell him to go out and kill some more you guys could have gone on YouTube and search for Max Payne all cutscenes at the very least to understand why this is so [ __ ] wrong he's gonna swim out of this frozen lake because he's John [ __ ] snow taking the [ __ ] north and then he coughs up some CGI water they Deirdre this movie this [ __ ] movie the game when Max Payne was forced to do Valkyr he had horrible traumatic nightmares he did not he did not get up and [ __ ] again Oh God no he shoots a bunch of people not in slow motion who he thinks a shadow monsters the end I'm done [ __ ] [ __ ] des [Music]

Channel: Civvie 11

Views: 319,400

Keywords: cv-11, civvie, civvie's dungeon, movie review, review, max payne, may payne 2, max payne 3, rockstar, remedy, mark wahlberg, mila kunis, franchise autocannibalism, sam lake, hurr

Id: EUfQQn9MS6I

Length: 23min 58sec (1438 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 05 2018