(laughter and applause) - I tell ya I'm alright now, but last week I was in
rough shape, ya know? (laughter and applause) Yeah, last week my wife
cracked up the car, she hit a deer, it was in a zoo. (laughter and applause) Oh, my wife took her driver's test, she was happy. She got 18 out of 20, yeah two guys jumped outta the way. (laughter and applause) That's alright, what the heck, you know. I tell ya with my wife
there's always something, you know? Well, the other day I called her up, I said to her, honey, I've been thinkin' about
the last time we had sex, I'm gettin' excited, she said, who is this? (laughter and applause) With my wife, I got no sex life either, just when I get goin' she wakes up. (laughter and applause) I mean the other night I told her, I said don't laugh behind my back, she said I won't the funny
stuff's on the other side. (laughter and applause) Man, I tell ya I can't relax, ya know? My dog drives me nuts. My dog, he wants me to mate him, I wouldn't mate him, let him go through what I go through. (laughter and applause) My daughter too, she's no bargain either. In public school she was
voted most likely to conceive. (laughter and applause) My daughter, she's been picked up so many times she's startin' to grow handles. (laughter and applause) I mean it, kids today
they got it too good, when I was a kid it was different, I had it rough. With Christmas I got
batteries, toys not included. (laughter and applause) My old man he didn't help at all. My old man, we used to
play tag and he'd drive. (laughter and applause) I mean are you kidding? My old man never liked me. When he took me hunting, he gave me a three minute head start. (laughter and applause) And on the way home he'd
tie me to the fender, put the deer in the car. (laughter and applause) I tell you when I was
a kid I was ugly too, I told my old man he
never took me to the zoo, he said if they want you
they'll come and get you. (laughter and applause) Are you kiddin'? I know I'm ugly. Halloween my wife sends the kids out dressed like me. (laughter and applause) Are you kiddin'? You know when you're ugly, it's alright, you'll work
it out for cryin' out loud. You know when you're ugly. Last Halloween a kid
tried to pull my face off. (laughter and applause) I mean it, that's the story of my life, no respect, I don't get no respect at all, are you kiddin'? No respect from anybody, nobody, it's no easy, are you kiddin'? No respect at all. Why I donated to a sperm bank, now I'm the father of three puppies. (laughter and applause) I don't get no respect from anyone, well the other night I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand, my wife lit it. (laughter and applause) I tell ya, it's not easy bein' me. I called up Alcoholics Anonymous they told me it was Miller time. (applause) (jazzy music) - Your kinda folks, right? - Always have a good
time out here, Johnny. - You like it out here, don't you? - Sure, sure. - Dorothy Chandler Pavilion? That's high class stuff. - Yeah? - [Johnny] Yeah. - Well alright. - Sold out? - Everything's okay, yeah and I'll be in San
Francisco, as you mentioned, Civic Auditorium on Saturday, that's nice. I have a special comin' out too, ya know? - Do ya? - In May. - Wanna tell us about it? - Different network. I'll give ya two guesses. (laughter and applause) - No, it's good, Bill Murray's in it, very funny, ya know. Aretha Franklin, queen of soul, she sings Respect with numbers there. And Valerie Perrine's in it too, lovely girl, good girl, Valerie, too, I found that out. (laughter and applause) No, but thing's are goin'
real good for me, real good. - Good, huh? - And I just finished my first book, now I'm gonna read another one. (laughter and applause) No, but show business is tough, Johnny, you know that's tough. - - It's a tough business, tough, tough. - Are you kiddin'? I mean what's easy? Everybody has it tough, everybody. I mean hookers are givin' away toasters. (laughter and applause) - It's the economy I guess. - Everything, everything. It's a rough racket, are you kiddin'? Everybody's lookin' for love though, deep love, a lifetime of deep love, I'm lookin' for a shallow half hour. - Well, yeah. - But I'm not a shallow guy, you know that Johnny. I'm not a shallow guy, are you kiddin'? I mean people look at me, they figure I'm the type of guy I get drunk and go to the track, right? And they're wrong, I get high first, then I get
drunk and go to the track, know what I mean? (laughter and applause) No, I'm not a shallow guy, are you kiddin'? I'm a good lover, though, with girls. I make love to a girl and she scratches, she screams then she realizes I'm not
gonna take no for an answer. (laughter and applause) That's alright. No, the girls I get aren't
worth gettin' anyway, you kiddin'? I got a fat girl, got a girl last week, a fat girl, very fat girl, last week. - - [Audience Member] How fat? - How fat? She went swimming, she left
a ring around the lake, okay, she's fat I'm tellin' ya. (laughter and applause) - [Johnny] She's a big girl, big girl. You don't get pretty girls? - She got a job sittin'
in the front end of trucks while they change the rear tires. - [Johnny] I didn't know that. - I mean she was a fat chick, you kiddin'? - [Johnny] Large girl. - Heavy, heavy. - [Johnny] Heavy girl. - When she tried computer dating the machine matched her up with Detroit. (laughter and applause) Very fat girl, Johnny, I tell ya that, fat girl, boy, put my arm around her waist, I got jetlag. Are you kiddin'? She was fat. (laughter and applause) I mean this girl was fat and ugly. - Ugly, huh? - [Audience Member] How ugly? - How ugly? Well Christmas they hang
her and kiss the mistletoe, okay, she's ugly I'm telling ya. - [Johnny] That's a bad lookin' girl. - Ugly chick, when I took her to the beach they asked me what I used for bait. Bait. (laughter and applause) When she walks in the room, mice jump on chairs. Are you kiddin'? (laughter and applause) - That's an unpleasant looking girl. - That's enough talk about girls, let's talk about health, talk about important. - How's your health? - Very bad. You kiddin'? I'm not a kid anymore, I'm gettin' old, you kiddin'? - That bother ya? - Well, yeah, I'm gettin' old, my last birthday cake, I couldn't blow out the candles, the heat drove me back. (laughter and applause) Gettin' old, are you kiddin'? My age, to me, the daily double is
prune juice and an enema. (laughter and applause) - [Johnny] Not easy. - With sex, I got no energy. - Oh, I'm sorry. - I get tired just
holding up the magazine. (laughter and applause) Johnny I got no sex life. I got a water bed, my wife calls it the Dead Sea. (laughter and applause) Hey, I figured out I'm bisexual, I have sex twice a year. (laughter and applause) My doctor, he don't help either, ya know, Dr. Vinnie Boombatz, ya know? - How is he? - What a doctor. - How's he doin'? - I called him up last week, I told him I had diarrhea, he put me on hold. (laughter and applause) Oh, I'm talkin' too much, you got a lovely young lady back there, wants to come out, we'll hear what she has to say. - This is about it, huh? (laughter and applause) - Okay. - Oh, death where is thy sting? - Death, oh, you're goin'
into the classics now? - Well don't you know your Shakespeare? - [Johnny] Certainly. Odette said that didn't he? - [Rodney] I think it was, Nicky Pompanis who said that. - Nicky Pompanis? - He's my lawyer, ya know, very good lawyer. - Yeah? - He had a rape charge
reduced to tailgating. (laughter and applause)
🤣 We need more comedians like him again.
I'm dieded
One of the greats.