(applause) (upbeat orchestral music) - [Rodney] Thank you very much. Boy, what a crowd, what a crowd, huh? Now I'll tell you I'm alright now, but last week I was in rough shape. Last week my wife signed
me up for a bridge club, I jump off next Tuesday.
(audience laughing) I mean, last week nothing went right. I bought a waterbed,
there were two Cuban guys swimming in it looking for Florida. (audience laughing and mumbling) Last week I went to the
track too, that was a beauty. They shot off the opening
gun, they killed my horse. (audience laughing) I'll tell ya, nothing works
out, my car broke down. I got a car that got nothin' but trouble. Every Sunday I take my
family out for a push. (audience laughing) The last time my wife drove the car she cracked it up, went into a tree. Told me it wasn't her
fault, she blew the horn. (audience laughing) My wife isn't too smart, you know. One night she went out and
some guy stole the car. I said to her, "Did you
see what he looked like?" She told me she got the
license plate number. (audience laughing) She's not smart at all, I
told her our kid is spoiled. She told me a lot of kids smell that way. (audience laughing) I tell ya, it's tough to stay married. With my wife, how do you think I feel? She kissed a dog on the lips and she won't drink from my glass.
(audience laughing) So my wife's father, he just moved in too, has an electronic pacemaker, every time he sneezes
the garage door opens. (audience laughing) I tell ya, life isn't easy. My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I said, "If you don't mind,
I'd like a second opinion." He said, "Alright, you're ugly too." (audience laughing) Are you kidding, I know I'm ugly. Halloween I open the front
door, kids give me candy. (audience laughing) My dog found out we look
alike, he killed himself. (audience laughing) I was an ugly kid too,
I worked in a pet store, people kept asking how big I get. (audience laughing) Am I too fast for this
whole section over here? What is it? (audience laughing) I was ugly, in my sandbox the cat kept covering me up all the time, you know? (audience laughing) What a childhood I had, my
mother never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend. (audience laughing) With kids today, it's different. They got it too good, they
don't appreciate it either. Last Christmas my kid wanted
a BB gun, I gave him a BB gun, he gave me a sweatshirt
with a bullseye on the back. (audience laughing) Smart kid I got, the other day I told him about the birds and the bees. He told me about my wife and the butcher. (audience laughing) I tell ya, my whole life is
pressure, nothing but pressure. This pressure's like a heaviness, always on top of me this
heaviness, since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, "Ah, a new day, up and at 'em!" I wake up, the heaviness is
right there waiting for me. Sometimes I even talk to it
and I say, "Hi, heaviness." And the heaviness looks back at me, "Today you're gonna
get it good, you know." "You'll be drinking early today." And I don't want to
drink, I'm a bad drinker. When I drink, the next
day I gotta do two things. I try and locate my car, and I gotta bring back the car I took. (audience laughing) You know the trouble with me? I appeal to everyone who can
do me absolutely no good. (audience laughing) For me, nothing comes easy. I met the surgeon general,
he offered me a cigarette. (audience laughing and clapping) I mean, that's the story
of my life, no respect. I don't get no respect
at all, are you kidding? (audience applauding) This afternoon (applause
drowns out speech) I was in a bar, they told me get out, they wanted to start the happy hour. (audience laughing) I mean, it's not easy being me. Last week my house was on fire. My wife told the kids, "Be
quiet, you'll wake up Daddy." (audience laughing) But I'll tell ya, I
finally got some respect. They asked me here tonight and I'll tell ya, I'm surprised I'm here. I mean, I voted for Randolph Scott. (audience laughing) (upbeat orchestral music) (applause)
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He packs more punchlines in 4 min than most stand up comics in an hour.
saw nobody dying inside.
Absolutely legendary of the one liners
Legend
Saw him in concert in the early’80s. He was hilarious. The memory that sticks with me is his handkerchief. He wiped his perspiration so often that he ended up wringing water out of it like a wet dishrag.
Effortless humour.
That’s class right there baby
Dude who is this he’s funny af