(exuberant orchestra)
(audience applauds) - Thank you very much, thank you. Hey, good crowd, good crowd. You know me, I love crowds. When I was a kid, my
house was always crowded, always people around, you know I come from a big old-fashioned
hardworking stupid family, that's what I come from.
(audience laughs) What a dumb family I got, you know. Last week I looked up my family tree. Two dogs were using it.
(audience laughs) (orchestra riffs)
I tell ya, I can't relax. You know, why, the other night, I felt like having a few drinks, I went in the place, I said to the
bartender, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife. (audience laughs)
(orchestra riffs) I'm in a good mood tonight though, I'll tell ya that. I just signed a big contract with General Motors for two
years, I bought a new car. (audience laughs)
(orchestra riffs) I tell ya, every time I buy a car, I get stuck, you know,
the salesmen always say, "She's a beauty," never
says "He's a beauty." I found out why, 'cause a car and a girl are very much alike. I mean, with either one, a car or a girl, when you go to use one, they
always lie about the mileage. (audience laughs)
(orchestra riffs) And with either one, a car or a girl, how many times on a cold morning, when you really need
it, it won't turn over? (audience laughs)
(orchestra riffs) (audience applauds) I tell ya, my whole life,
all I know is rejection. When I was a kid, my
yo-yo, it never came back. (audience laughs)
(orchestra riffs) When I was a kid, I was poor, too. When I was kid, everybody was poor. No rich kids, only poor kids,
that's all, and I was poor. I was so poor, my rich aunt died. In her will, I owed her 20 dollars. (audience laughs)
(orchestra riffs) I was poor! Once on my birthday, my old man, he showed me a picture of a cake. (audience laughs)
(orchestra riffs) (audience applauds) I sat there all day trying
to blow out the candles. (audience laughs)
(orchestra riffs) Nah, with kids today, it's different. They got it too good, they
don't appreciate it either. It was my boy's birthday last week. Had a little party, put out the cake, the kid blew out all the candles. I said to him, "I hope
your wish comes true." He said, "If it does, that's the last time "you'll watch me blow out candles." (audience laughs)
(orchestra riffs) Smart kid I got. Like the last time I took
my kid to Coney Island, I asked him, "Wanna go in a crazy house?" He told me to save my
money, we'd be home soon. (audience laughs)
(orchestra riffs) Last Christmas with my
kid, that was a beauty too. The kid wanted a BB gun,
I gave him a BB gun. He gave me a sweatshirt
with a bullseye on the back. (audience laughs)
(orchestra riffs) I tell ya, my kid, he drives me nuts. For three years now,
he goes to a private school. He won't tell me where it is! (audience laughs)
(orchestra riffs) My block, the kids were tough. All over my face, I had pimples. They used to grab me and
play Connect the Dots. (audience laughs)
(orchestra riffs) Those girls, all they want is looks. Looks don't mean nothing,
it's underneath what counts. Soul, depth, that's what's
important, not looks. But how many times, you take a walk on the street, you see
a tall, handsome man walking arm in arm with
a short, fat, ugly girl. I never saw that, did you ever see that? (audience laughs)
(orchestra riffs) Looks don't mean nothing. I got a niece, ugly girl, she got married. She's happy, she met
an ugly guy, you know. Today they got two very ugly kids. (audience laughs)
(orchestra riffs) All right, I tell ya. Oh, it's nice to hear ya
laugh, I tell ya that. (audience laughs) 'Cause where I live there's no laughs. I live in a rough neighborhood, very bad. Forget it, will you? Just last week a guy pulled a knife on me. I could see it wasn't a
real professional job, there was butter on it. (audience laughs)
(orchestra riffs) Terrible neighborhood. The first day I moved in, I asked a cop, I said, "How long a walk to the subway?" He said, "I dunno, so
far, no one ever made it." (audience laughs)
(orchestra riffs) They're always knocking on my door, asking me to support different
movements, drives, causes. Guy knocked on my door last week, told me how the Korean
people need our help. Said to him, "I'll give just
one dollar, then Soo Goo ..." (audience laughs)
(orchestra riffs) and his wife ... (audience laughs) I'm really in trouble. You can't tell the jokes
from the straight lines. (audience laughs) My neighbor, they're always coming around, knocking at my door, asking me to support different movements, drives, causes. Guy knocked on my door last week, told me how the Korean
people need our help. Said to him, I'll give just one dollar. Then Soo Goo, and his
wife, and twelve kids, they're gonna have rice for a whole year. They're not gonna have
rice for a whole year but their kids will get books and pencils, and Soo Goo can get a new boat, and they can send four kids through college. I tell him, I'd be very happy
to give Soo Goo a dollar, and he would show my wife how
to stretch a buck that far. (audience laughs)
(orchestra riffs) (audience applauds)
This is so over-the-top with the orchestra playing on each and every punchline. It's like peak rat-pack.