BUT YEAH, THIS IS A FUN JOB. I LOVE THIS JOB. ONLY BAD PART ABOUT IT IS YOU GOTTA TRAVEL A LOT. LIKE THE PAST THREE YEARS, I BEEN ON THE ROAD LIKE 48 WEEKS A YEAR. SO I GET BURNED OUT. I WAS SO BURNED OUT, THAT I TOOK THIS OTHER JOB JUST TO GET AWAY FROM IT FOR A BIT. I TOOK A JOB AS A DJ IN SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA
ON A MORNING SHOW. DON'T CHEER. I LASTED SIX MONTHS, THEN I GOT FIRED. I WILL TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED. THEY MIGHT SAY SOMETHING DIFFERENT ON GOOGLE. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED. I WAS A MORNING SHOW DJ ON THIS SHOW, I WAS THE SPORTS GUY ON THE MORNING SHOW. OBVIOUSLY, YOU LOOK AT ME, YOU'RE LIKE, "YEAH, "THERE'S A DUDE WHO GOT PICKED FIRST "FOR EVERY TEAM GROWIN' UP." I'M THE SPORTS GUY. WHILE I WAS UP THERE, THE SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS WON THE WORLD SERIES. NOW, I DON'T LIKE THE SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS. SO I GO ON AIR THE NEXT DAY, YEAH! I GO ON AIR THE NEXT DAY, TALK A BUNCH OF CHIT ABOUT THE SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS. YOU KNOW, MAKE REFERENCE TO A COUPLE PLAYERS THAT I KNOW HAVE BEEN CHEATING ON THEIR WIVES. YOU KNOW, CLASSY STUFF. THEY DON'T LIKE THAT. THE GIANTS TEAM CALLED UP THE RADIO STATION, JUST LIKE, "IF THAT GUY'S NOT FIRED, "SUSPENDED, OR APOLOGIZES, "WE'RE PULLING ALL OUR FUNDING FROM YOUR STATION." THE STATION PANICS, THEY CALL ME TO A MEETING. THEY'RE LIKE, "BRAD, YOU GOTTA GO ON AIR TOMORROW, "SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT THE GIANTS." I'M LIKE, "NOPE. "NOT GONNA DO THAT." AND THEY'RE LIKE, "NO?" THEY'RE LIKE, "NO, YOU GOTTA DO IT. "JUST GO ON AIR AND SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT THE GIANTS I'M LIKE, "THAT'S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN." THEY'RE LIKE, "WHAT? "'CAUSE YOU'RE FROM SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA "AND YOU'RE A DODGER FAN?" I'M LIKE, "I AM, BUT THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT." NOTHING TO DO WITH IT, I'M A PROFESSIONAL. THEY GO, "WELL, WHY DON'T YOU JUST SAY "ANYTHING NICE ABOUT THE GIANTS?" IT'S LIKE, "BECAUSE I'M A FKING MIDGET! "I'M NOT GONNA WEAR A JERSEY "THAT SAYS GIANTS ON IT, ASSHOLE!" REALIZE THAT? I'M NOT GONNA SUPPORT SOMETHING THAT'S BEEN TRYING TO KILL ME MY ENTIRE LIFE. NO ONE ELSE WOULD DO THAT EVER. A BLACK GUY WOULD NEVER WEAR A JERSEY THAT SAYS COPS. OKAY, OKAY. THAT'S A GOOD TESTER JOKE. GOOD TESTER JOKE. SOME OF YOU GUYS LAUGHED, SOME OF YOU DIDN'T, THAT'S FINE. YOU DON'T HAVE TO LAUGH AT JOKES YOU DON'T LIKE, THAT'S FINE. BUT IF YOU DID NOT LAUGH AT THAT JOKE I CAN TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF. YOU'RE WHITE. GUARANTEE YOU. BECAUSE BLACK PEOPLE LOVE THAT JOKE, AND BLACK PEOPLE LOVE RACIAL JOKES IN GENERAL. THEY'RE NOT AFRAID OF THEM LIKE WHITE PEOPLE. WHITE PEOPLE ARE SCARED TO TELL RACIAL JOKES. BLACK PEOPLE AREN'T. YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A BLACK GUY AT HIS JOB LIKE, "HEY GUYS, I'VE GOT A..." "CRACKER JOKE TO TELL YOU GUYS RIGHT NOW." NO! A BLACK GUY WILL WAIT UNTIL HE IS SURROUNDED BY THE MAXIMUM NUMBER OF CRACKERS BEFORE HE TELLS THE JOKE HE'LL CALL MORE OVER. "RICHARD, GET OVER HERE, YOU'RE GONNA LOVE
THIS CHIT." NOW WHITE PEOPLE, WE HOLD IT IN. WE HOLD IT IN BECAUSE WE KNOW WE CAN GET IN TROUBLE. SO WE WALK AROUND ALL DAY WITH THIS VOICE IN OUR HEART, LIKE, "DON'T SAY CHIT, DON'T SAY CHIT, "DON'T SAY CHIT, DON'T SAY CHIT." 'CAUSE WE KNOW WE CAN GET BUSTED. WE CAN GET FIRED. YOU SEE IT ALL THE TIME, PEOPLE HAVE TO APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT RACIAL ISSUES. THERE'S ALWAYS SOME CELEBRITY WHO'S GOTTA CALL A PRESS CONFERENCE AND BE LIKE, "I'M SORRY TO THE AFRICAN AMERICAN COMMUNITY. "I MEANT NOTHING WHEN I ORDERED THE SALMON BLACKENED." YOU GET SCARED AND YOU HOLD IT IN. WHITE PEOPLE HOLD IT IN, AND IT EFFECTS OTHER PARTS OF LIFE. EVEN SOMETHING BASIC AS LAUGHTER. BECAUSE WHITE PEOPLE NEVER WANT TO BE CAUGHT
LAUGHING AT THE WRONG JOKE, SO WE LAUGH LIKE WE HAVE ADD, IT'S JUST, "HA HA!" AND WE STOP. YOU EVER SEEN A BLACK GUY LAUGH LIKE THAT? FK NO. I LOVE MAKIN' BLACK GUYS LAUGH. YOU MAKE A BLACK GUY LAUGH, HE PUTS EVERYTHING HE HAS INTO IT. BODY, SOUL. BLACK PEOPLE BURN CALORIES WHEN THEY LAUGH. IT IS AWESOME. YOU MAKE A BLACK DUDE LAUGH IT'S LIKE, "OHHH CHIT!" "THAT IS THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD "IN MY GOD DAMN LIFE!" TRY IT, WHITE PEOPLE. YOU'LL LIKE IT. DON'T GET ME WRONG, YOU'RE GONNA FK IT UP THE FIRST TIME YOU DO IT. FIRST TIME YOU'LL BE LIKE, "GOLLY GEE WILLICKERS!" "THAT WAS A HUMOROUS ANECDOTE." I JUST DON'T GET WHY WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO TALK ABOUT CERTAIN THINGS. IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE TO ME. BECAUSE IN MY OPINION, WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT RACIAL ISSUES, WHEN YOU JOKE ABOUT IT, WHEN YOU HAVE DISCUSSION, THAT'S HOW YOU LEARN. THAT'S HOW YOU GAIN A GREATER APPRECIATION. YOU DO, THAT'S HOW YOU LEARN AND APPRECIATE OTHER CULTURES. LIKE RIGHT NOW, I LOVE ASIAN PEOPLE. I LOVE ASIAN PEOPLE RIGHT NOW. BECAUSE TWO WEEKS AGO, YES, TWO WEEKS AGO, MY ASIAN BUDDY CALLED ME UP AND HE ASKED ME FOR HELP TO FIX HIS IPHONE. THINK ABOUT THAT FOR A SECOND, OKAY? HE ASKED ME, HE COULD HAVE ASKED HIS COUSIN. HIS COUSIN BUILT THE FKER, ALL RIGHT? BUT HE DIDN'T, HE ASKED ME, AND THAT MADE ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF, MADE ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT THE ASIAN PEOPLE. AND THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED, "OH MY GOD, "THIS IS HOW WE CAN END RACISM. "IF EVERY GROUP JUST ASKS FOR HELP "WITH SOMETHING THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD AT." THEN WE'LL ALL SUPPORT EACH OTHER. WE'LL BUILD EACH OTHER UP, RIGHT? APPRECIATE EACH OTHERS' CULTURES. LIKE HOW MUCH WOULD YOU LOVE INDIAN PEOPLE IF YOUR INDIAN FRIEND JUST CALLED YOU LIKE, "OH MY GOD, YOU NEED TO HELP ME. "YOU NEED TO HELP ME RIGHT NOW. "I AM TELLING YOU ONE THING, NOW MORE THAN EVER, "I AM IN DESPERATE NEED OF CUSTOMER SERVICE." "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY COMPUTER. "I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING TO FIX MY COMPUTER. "I HAVE TURNED IT OFF, I HAVE TURNED IT BACK ON. "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. "IF YOU COULD PLEASE JUST HELP ME, "I WOULD BE EVER SO GRATEFUL. "OH, OH WAIT, YOU ARE BUSY? "I WILL HOLD." AH-HA-HA! BUT I UNDERSTAND THAT IT'S DIFFICULT. BECAUSE THERE'S SOME GROUPS THAT YOU'RE ALLOWED TO MAKE FUN OF, AND OTHER GROUPS YOU SHOULD NEVER MAKE FUN OF UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE WHATSOEVER. AND I KNOW THIS DICHOTOMY EXISTS 'CAUSE I KNOW I'M ONE OF THOSE GROUPS THAT'S PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT TO MAKE FUN OF. I AM, I'M NOT MAD ABOUT THAT, I JUST WANT EQUALITY. LIKE, MOST THE TIME WHEN PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF LITTLE PEOPLE, THEY'RE NOT EVEN THINKIN' ABOUT IT. LIKE, HOLLYWOOD DOES IT ALL THE TIME. LIKE, I WENT OUT FOR A COMMERCIAL AUDITION NOT TOO LONG AGO. IT WAS FOR A CHRISTMAS COMMERCIAL, AND IN MY BREAKDOWN, NOW BREAKDOWN FOR AN ACTOR IS DETAILS ABOUT HOW THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO PREPARE FOR THE ROLE. IN MY BREAKDOWN IT SAID, "BE SURE TO BRING YOUR OWN ELF COSTUME FROM HOME." FROM HOME! WHAT THE FK YOU THINK IS IN MY CLOSET? YOU THINK YOU GO IN MY HOUSE, OPEN UP IT UP, IT'S JUST ELF, ELF, ELF, ELF, ELF, ELF, ELF, ELF, ELF. THEN THE SPRINGTIME. LEPRECHAUN, LEPRECHAUN, LEPRECHAUN, LEPRECHAUN, LEPRECHAUN, LEPRECHAUN. IN THE SUMMER, I'LL DRESS LIKE A GNOME IF I'M FEELING FANCY. LIKE, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? IT'S WRONG. IT'S FKED UP, AND IT'S WRONG. DON'T KID YOURSELF, I DO OWN AN ELF COSTUME. BUT IT'S, YOU GOTTA WORK IN THIS TOWN. IT'S JUST MESSED UP BECAUSE THEY WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO OTHER GROUPS, EVER. THEY WOULD NEVER BE LIKE, "OH, YOU'RE ASIAN,
"BRING YOUR WOK." YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? "OH, YOU'RE A BLACK MALE, "BRING YOUR ILLEGITIMATE CHILD." THEY NEVER DO THAT. ALL RIGHT? NOW, I ACTUALLY LIKE WHEN SOME PEOPLE DON'T LAUGH AT THAT JOKE BECAUSE IT HELPS ME IDENTIFY YOU. AND IT HELPS ME IDENTIFY THE PEOPLE THAT I HATE THE MOST IN THIS WORLD. OH, I'LL TELL YOU WHO THEY ARE. OH, YEAH. HERE'S THE PEOPLE I HATE. AND I DON'T MEAN HATE LIKE, "OH, I HATE CHOCOLATE CAKE." NO, I MEAN I HATE THESE PEOPLE, ALL RIGHT? IF YOU ARE ONE OF THESE PEOPLE THAT GETS OFFENDED ON BEHALF OF ANOTHER GROUP, EAT A BAG OF DCKS. JUST A BAG OF DCKS. NOT THE FUN SIZE BAG, NO, THE FAMILY SIZE BAG OF DCKS. JUST NEVER STOP SHOVING DCKS IN YOUR MOUTH. WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS? WHY? WHY DO PEOPLE CARE SO MUCH ABOUT CHIT THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM? AND THE WORST PART IS THAT THEY THINK THEY'RE BEING SO GOOD. THEY THINK THEY'RE BEING A CHAMPION. I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT WHEN YOU GET OFFENDED ON BEHALF OF ANOTHER GROUP, WHAT YOU'RE DOING IS INFINITELY TIMES MORE RACIST THAN WHATEVER PISSED YOU OFF IN THE FIRST PLACE. BECAUSE WHAT YOU'RE DOING IS YOU'RE TURNING TO THAT GROUP AND YOU'RE SAYING, "HEY, "YOU'RE NOT SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW "YOU'RE BEING MADE FUN OF RIGHT NOW. "BUT DON'T WORRY, I KNOW. "I KNOW YOU WERE MADE FUN OF, "AND I'M GONNA DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. "NO, NO, NO, DON'T GET UP, DON'T GET UP, "DON'T GET UP, DON'T GET UP. "STAY THERE, I'LL HANDLE IT, I GOT THIS. "MASTER RACE ON THREE. "ONE, TWO, THREE, OKAY, THERE WE GO." WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS? AND I KNOW THEY DO THIS. I HAD A WOMAN COME UP TO ME RECENTLY AFTER A SHOW. ANGRY, PISSED OFF. "BRAD, I WAS SO OFFENDED WHEN YOU SAID THE WORD MIDGET." I WAS LIKE, "RIGHT, "BECAUSE YOU HAVE OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS WHO ARE DWARFS." "NO." "YOU HAVE CHILDREN THAT ARE LITTLE PEOPLE." "NO." "THEN WHY THE FK DO YOU CARE?" WHY DO YOU CARE? THIS DOESN'T EFFECT YOU, IT DOESN'T CHANGE YOUR LIFE. I WOULD UNDERSTAND IF EVERY TIME I SAID THE WORD MIDGET THAT WAS SOME SORT OF CALL TO ARMS TO ALL THE LITTLE PEOPLE OUT THERE TO RISE UP AND FIGHT OUR TALL OPPRESSORS, AND THEN WHEN YOU GUYS GOT HOME THERE WERE MIDGETS JUST FLYING IN YOUR WINDOWS, DOING SHOULDER ROLLS, AND THEN DROP KICKING YOUR PUPPY. OKAY, I WOULD GET THAT. BUT LITERALLY NOTHING HAPPENS TO YOU. AND WHO THE FK ARE YOU TO TELL ME WHAT I CAN SAY ABOUT MY OWN PEOPLE? I HOPE YOU REALIZE I'VE BEEN A MIDGET MY ENTIRE LIFE. ALL 32 YEARS. IT'S NOT LIKE I WAS SIX FOOT FOUR, YOU KNOW, THINGS WEREN'T GOING SO WELL SO I HACKED OFF A COUPLE OF FEET AND SAID, "LET'S GIVE THIS A SHOT." THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN. WHY DO PEOPLE CARE SO MUCH ABOUT THINGS THAT DON'T AFFECT THEM? WHY WOULD ANY ONE GIVE A CHIT IF WEED IS LEGAL OR NOT? LISTEN, IF YOU DON'T SMOKE WEED? GREAT, DON'T SMOKE WEED. BUT DON'T STOP SOMEONE ELSE FROM DOING IT 'CAUSE THEM DOING THAT ACTION DOESN'T AFFECT YOU WHATSOEVER. SAME THING. SAME THING WITH GAY MARRIAGE. LISTEN, IF YOU'RE NOT GAY, WHO GIVES A CHIT IF GAY MARRIAGE IS LEGAL OR NOT? IF TWO GAY PEOPLE GET MARRIED, DIDN'T CHANGE YOUR LIFE. DIDN'T AFFECT YOU WHATSOEVER. WHY DO PEOPLE GIVE A CHIT ABOUT THAT? AND WHY DO PEOPLE GIVE A CHIT WHEN I DRIVE IN MY CAR AND I SING EVERY LYRIC TO KATY PERRY'S FIREWORK? WHY? I LOVE THAT SONG. THAT'S A GREAT SONG. IT'S AN INSPIRATIONAL SONG. HELPS ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT MYSELF. NOW I UNDERSTAND THAT JOKE IS NOT FUNNY, ALL RIGHT? IT'S NOT. BUT I SAY IT EVERY NIGHT, 'CAUSE ONE OF THESE NIGHTS, ONE OF YOU PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE, YOU ARE GOING TO KNOW KATY PERRY AND YOU ARE
GONNA TELL HER ABOUT THAT JOKE. SHE'S GONNA BE INTRIGUED BY THAT JOKE. SHE IS GONNA WANNA COME SEE ONE OF MY SHOWS. SHE'S GONNA LAUGH AT MY COMEDY SHOW. SHE'S GONNA WANNA MEET ME AFTERWARD. I WILL MEET KATY PERRY, THEN I WILL FINALLY GET A CHANCE TO MOTORBOAT THEM TATAS. I'M NOT TRYING TO DO THIS WHOLE SOCIAL CHANGE THING. I JUST WANNA GET IN THERE AND GO "BABY YOU'RE A FIREWORK". THAT'S IT.
