Best of the Worst: LA Wars, Unmasking the Idol, and Robowoman

[Music] tim the matter you look worried well it's i just see a lot of labels mike i see a lot of pretty pictures and colors and yeah these beautiful vhs tapes with all their colorful spines titles graphics this doesn't feel right why what are you worried about black spines [Music] you think we invited you back here for another black spine episode that's all you do [Music] and now it is time to talk about our first movie la wars for real tell us all about l.a wars [Music] la wars went up when power crazed drug lord raul guzman moves in on a mafia la cocaine trade and steals the mob boss carlo giovanni's money and drugs the street explodes in violence featuring vince murdocko oh uh-huh yeah featuring ring of fire two and kickboxer two somebody out there knows who that is yeah he's an undercover cop jake quinn he infiltrates the mafia as the bodyguard for giovanni's beautiful daughter carla jake must use his martial arts and all the weaponry he could carry to defend carla from guzman's hitman hitman hitman that's good uh okay well is that it no it's not it okay why maybe this is why i should be on black spine go okay giovanni's ruthless right hand man vinnie betrays him and tries to rape carla but is stopped by quinn vinnie is humiliated from the fans to seek revenge well they just told us the whole goddamn movie and i after seeing seven thousand movies like this i feel like i've already watched it so we could just move on to the next film sure i'm fully prepared to talk about this in detail after not having seen it here they're hoping for a lot more extras for that and i made sure it had one of the largest budgets in the city now it's payback time she's giving her all her mike what's next wow this is unmasking the idol which is actually a sequel to a film that we watched before called order of the black eagle and as ridiculous as it sounds it is a super secret agent and a tuxedo who has a baboon sidekick named boone who drives a tank around [Music] and and interestingly enough this is the same ape that starred in shock ma [Music] secret agent duncan jacks that's the main character that's him jax duncan jacks must form an elite strike force to stop the sale of atomic weapons to the scarlet leader mankind's most evil and sadistic adversary can one be an adversary of mankind it sounds adversary sounds like more of a personal word yeah is the villain another baboon i hope so uh yeah so this is released by 20th century fox and mgm they released a movie with with an a secret agent at some point oh god they're going full james bond yeah yeah this is more than the other one i think i don't remember it having a theme song like this this isn't devil's island yet oh this is the south american this is the south american prison where they're going to get the third person to help them oh god this is like rise of skywalker we gotta go to the place to get the thing to get to the other place to get the other thing what are you doing duncan [Music] oh my god oh my god let's fill them you've spilled them all over the floor you [ __ ] it's filled with jelly beans that's filled with friendship bracelets why would you break it open now so the audience can see i gotta pick all these up now well that was unmasking the idol i don't think they made a third film featuring duncan jacks and his baboon sidekick well how old was boone in this one i don't know he may have passed away after the second film he retired he probably just binged he's like this is gonna be great he partied with john belushi a little bit too much horribly wrong one night he was irreplaceable this is ankle biters vampires like you've never seen them a small town is overrun by ankle-biting blood-sucking dwarf vampires shouldn't be a small town is under-run no it's overrun they think it's the very first pun they could have done all right um things get complicated when the vertically challenged coughing creepers get their itty-bitty hands on the sword with the blood of the last slain tall vertically challenged coffin creepers vertically challenged coughing creepers with their itty-bitty hands so they get their itty-bitty hands on the sword with the blood of the last slain tall vampire with this relic they can create a super race of shack sized draculas out of any tall human i don't want to watch this anymore there are no short fixes to this tall problem oh my god two and a half hours no no oh if anything has a short running time it should be this oh my god is that vhs yellow oh spongebob [Laughter] don't you dare take the name of texas in vain you go squirrel i'm squidward mr krabs gary the snail tell us all about our next film robo woman robo woman she dates then she terminates after a savage physical attack by a group of men a woman undergoes illegal experimental cybernetic surgery and is fashioned with robotic parts and vision however the surgery causes havoc to her brain and before long she's on a deadly rampage of revenge bonus features trailer oh okay 70 minutes 70 minutes no kidding wow my favorite movie 10 is the best news i've heard all day yo should we go watch it night yeah like developmentally challenged yeah oh my mom used to work with people with special needs i grew up with people with special needs your mom's still watching routines are always a big deal i'm getting sex tent vibes oh yeah but that was a famous actress though i know yeah this is this is like this is richie somewhere between the age of 32 and 67. does she not know she has robots she didn't notice oh look at how wrinkly it's like the rubber rubber halloween costume so here's the question did they find that robot glove in a costume shop and the movie came from that yes oh yeah oh yeah we can make a whole movie around this amazing robot glove okay you're out of your surgery everything went well rule number one don't ever look at your arm until you get home oh yeah yeah she didn't notice her arm so what'd you say after that i told my perfect coordinator she can kiss my ass thing of the time you just have this look of disgust [Laughter] like just like pure disgust this is definitely a bar or not a pizza place yeah giant red pepper flake right shaker on the table and they're all drinking plastic cups filled with water yeah dining hall at the bowling alley right i just want to see little kids run by like head into the ball pit you know that's kind of what it looks like well we're here again for another best of the worst that's been a while this is just traditional three movies picked mostly at random uh and our first film is la wars aka la wars uh tim what is the plot of la wars so first off there is the giovanni crime family and the crime family is doing crime in l.a but then all kind of crime just crime it's drug crimes [Music] you're supposed to move with the bag of flour from the shot was it in the shot yeah oh my god it was i thought he like they're cutting flower into it to cut down on how much the cell or something but or maybe it just isn't supposed to be there i think it's not supposed to be there and you're doing it right on top of a toilet lid for some reason i gotta tell you that's where most of the people snort their cocaine right on top of a toilet so that logic applies to where they they manufacture and cut it as well yeah you're gonna snort this cocaine well i'm gonna just tell you that it was made in a toilet so you better snort it off a toilet so most meals are cooked in a bathroom but giovanni is running the climb family and then there's raul guzman who is a mishmash of like at least five hollywood actors i i think he is the genetic offspring of ted danson and jose canseco let's start at the top let's do a family tree here sure because we're we're at the top we have jose danson who is the head of one crime family the other crime family head is uh not martin sheen uh martin sheen tony bennett uh his daughter is carla not carla is not his granddaughter it's his daughter this is just his daughter it looks like it should be his granddaughter aka aunt becky and we call her aunt becky uh aka hobo lookin he complains about the streets her stylish hollywood clothing as as her looking like a bum very nice you're not dressed for dinner you're not mic'd for dinner you look like a street bum and then later when she dresses up she wears a wedding dress but the other crime guy one of his henchmen or hunch woman is my big fat greek wedding lady who wears skimpy shorts in the one scene and that's now that's raul guzman's yes yes the other chronicles uh jose danson yeah not martin sheen yeah this right hand man is al pacino yes martin sheen's right-hand man is not al pacino al pacino's stand-in young al pacino like godfather one godfather two not not like but jose danson's right-hand man is not iced tea the other martial artist in the film yeah yes so oh [ __ ] so um so these are the wars these are these are there are two rival gangs this is said la war [Music] more [Laughter] you're late oh my god wow that is not how you hold that gun that's why she completely missed and accidentally hit that car instead that was her car it's it's important to point out the l the the titular la wars are on like a three block radius of hollywood boulevard uh hollywood is not the same as la when you think of hollywood like hollywood for people that don't know if you've never been there because people think hollywood the glitz and glamour of showbiz hollywood is a [ __ ] dump hollywood is is dirty and it's filled with like souvenir shops yeah and and people in like wolverine cosplay but then there's north hollywood and west hollywood which are technically i think different cities but they're nicer areas but no but this movie is shot in the dirtiest parts of hollywood so i think the the best way to exemplify this your sentiment jay is the daughter of the mafioso goes shopping and instead of going to rodeo drive in beverly hills where you would have your shopping montage by a rich daughter of a mafioso she goes accompanied by the song i love l.a of course for sure that's how you do it she goes to nasty nasty dollar stores souvenir shops with like going out of business signs the barbed uh or the the metal grates that they close so that no one smashes the windows and takes all their stuff during a riot yeah it's funny too because we see in the movie you see the the like the hollywood the walk of fame the stars on the walk of fame and i guess people associate that with also with the glitz and glamour of la but it's like people have to pay to get those on there yeah it's not anything fancy and it's in the worst part of of hollywood it's where bums sleep it's where bums urinate and sleep in the same spot some of those stars that people kiss poop has been on it's true it's true yeah wow it's a nice little photo op for your your hollywood vacation i'm kissing kerry grant if a hollywood celebrity has passed away people go and put flowers on it and they just instantly shrivel up and die from all the toxic waste and fecal matter on the ground oh there's some mud on cary me wipe that off but then all of a sudden like uh things happen in front of some low-life bar like security guard look tough hey [ __ ] tell laugh boy over there to put the money back and put the gun down now whoa yes he beats up the guys with the shotgun yes it's not established that he works at that bar just just these these angry guys come in with guns and and uh vince what's his name vince murdocko is the actor's name what's his character's name something jack jake wyatt jake quinn jay quinn or just shorten it to one word and he's jacquin what is that flowers with jaquie quinn all these stunts are like when you do the run through where you do it slower in rehearsal but that's the actual tank that carpet man oh my god jay there's 68 dollars in the register shotguns be nice i could bust you on two cops oh he's a cop yeah what do you think he was just a vigilante yeah uh it's [ __ ] long story well what's the name of the bar you mentioned that he he he's the bouncer to bar you looked it up it's real bronigan's brannigan's brennan's it's it's a famous uh bar in los angeles it's not famous it's famous because it was in this movie it's probably not famous to us it's probably famous to l.a locals because it says it's been around since 1942. that doesn't mean anything and their website literally says save our bar but britain oh borders foreigners it's called borders yeah this is the website it says it says they can't see that save our restaurant he yeah he he midnight as a security guard borders and he's he's an la cop during the day or he's been laid off for three years snatched of his his back because he just shoots before he asks questions we don't know any of this in the introductory scene with him though no it's not like yeah he's chit-chatting with the bartender and he's like so jake when are you gonna get back on the force i don't know man it's been three years since uh i think he shot some guy who was like attacking or assaulting a 12 year old and he said it's quinn's law quinn's law quinn's law rorke a 12 year old will not be abused by sleaze boss it's my only law it's very specific i've waited my entire career for this oh sure he should be the the college quarterback yeah oh look at that who's that did you see that person in the corner of the frame i saw the blue mic too what you need to know about jaquin phoenix is that he is like the ultimate cliche movie is the ultimate [ __ ] cliche this is cliche cop movie cliche the movie now you used to be a good cop that was there now i work at a bar as a bouncer because i begged a child molester hell man you killed it with your bare hands he was regular 12 year old girl i caught the bastard in the act you went outside the system quinn you didn't even have a [ __ ] warrant her scream was all the warrant i needed not according to law but aside for all the shootings the fact there are multiple scenes where the the l.a wars we actually see them in the film we see the la wars which is the two rival gangs shooting and killing each other [Music] [Music] at heart this is a love story [Music] if anybody are out there watching this our um strip club aficionados you will rank this strip club in your bottom your bottom percentile maybe a one star maybe a half star i mean they were big but she didn't see that expression though like through that whole scene where it's like is the camera rolling uh remember she doesn't even know if she's supposed to be performing yet she has that face gentlemen i'm looking for a guy named crazy wayne you know what do you want it for man that's the guy he beat up in the first scene isn't it yes didn't he shoot him [Music] he's a different character oh my god he's a bandana he's clearly wearing a bandana he's a different person here we go oh freak everybody just stand still because right now i want to kill somebody oh and i don't know we're unrelated right now i want to kill somebody [Laughter] here's four hundred dollars remember us the next time you want a place in bed thank you that's a 1991 oh right yeah you're right here the worst person in it is our league yeah yeah by far and their pants their pants i mean if you pulled up their shirts their pants are way above and they remember how they walk too yup they're all just like at one point vince merdocco was wearing a girdle and let's talk about guzman and in the shirts a cosby sweater-esque yeah type thing yeah um mark for more patterns it looks like it's suspended the tv show full house was a shirt that's a shirt i saw five different actors in raul guzman oh okay okay who did you see okay i i will say though real quickly that that actor was uh he was in a bunch of andy siddars films he was in hard ticket to hawaii but anyway jose canseco yeah ted danson also i get matt dillon eric roberts yeah and uh there's gotta be a little schwarzenegger in there just like he's got like the hair with the hair dude he's gone [Music] the hair and i guess the build a little bit yeah if he does just say only 116. once it sees but that's just it it's like i named like five other people and just like me and just a kiss i mean that's on par with some of his children right that's a joke about shorts and then there's a legitimate children is it one of those gentlemen one is the dog walker one is the dogs one is the dogs one is my great-aunt beatrice i don't know wait a minute one of your children is your great aunt waitress hey who knows that's [ __ ] i guess crazy time loop arnold impregnated his great aunt what would his child be to him his second cousin what is this baseball i am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate she was just hiding in the oh my god how long was she in thank there oh wasn't that a week ago he does infiltrate the boss's daughter she's okay with it she she infiltrates him she comes out of the shadows like a [ __ ] vein she sneaks into his room oh yeah she's she's the sexual predator yeah um but but they have a budding romance they they go i guess they go to the beach she feeds their french fries but they end up they go i think they oh she's like i got tickets to the ballet and i don't want to waste them let's go and they end up in a parking garage how did they know they were going to park there and that's when the scooby-doo van shows up filled with ted 18 jose danson's bad guys [Music] oh my god time for some kickboxing he had to put his gun down to take his jacket off to be more comfortable that is something that you probably shouldn't do so you can do this yeah so they're driving a white corvette and they park in a parking spot in between two bmws 15 seconds later one of the bmws is replaced with a hooptie for jack quade to get repeatedly punched on during an action sequence altercation and then instead of getting back into his car to get away they hop in the hoopty and uh and steal that car you can't blow up that white corvette you better hide uh we'll hotwire this piece of [ __ ] [Laughter] i mean i guess the justification is maybe the van is blocking his actual car sure jay whatever [Music] oh and then the scene ends we were like ooh car chase car chases beautiful car beatable car you know what that means oh oh they're in the shakies pizza then the movie just kind of falls apart the beginning of the movie is just hanging on all of the cliches it's branching from one cliche to the other like a jungle gym and then it's just kind of hanging on by a thread technically because the movie is like just barely holding together because we see like the boom in one shot it's not a technical mistake [Music] you're gonna hang me in my backyard news that's the most disrespectful [Music] al pacino has betrayed he was he was spying or he was he was not loyal to he was mad he couldn't get the girl and that crime boss threw him out after he tried to rape his daughter that was that was a big affront to him and then he betrays guzman and takes over what's his face's empire and kidnaps his daughter it kind of comes together again at the end though when he decides to rambo up after scene no that was the fake final show there are multiple final shows that's true he gets suited up and then he goes to the mansion and you think it's gonna be the final showdown yeah that's right and then and then it's like you know uh super mario brothers oh no our princess is in another castle yeah that's right oh carla's not here [ __ ] you quinn i'm out of here and you can't do [ __ ] well there was my favorite sound what song that door opening with the squeak out we've used it a million times he's at all the time but it's always sunny in philadelphia too so the the still isn't the final climax scene he ends up back at the old bean factory which was guzman's lair but it's now which is just a big factory full of car beds this is business a race car bed little tykes race car bud oh that's cute that's a that's a tough warehouse nobody expects the crime lord to be dealing with kids [ __ ] this is a playskool factory i'm gonna take you to the toy master each race car bed is filled with bootlegged chinese legos but now it's fake al pacino's new headquarters and i guess he was waiting for jake to chase him down but he's just sitting in his office and his henchmen are standing behind him and the girl's just sitting there tied up i think he won the crime wars and that's just where he lives though he just killed the two crime bosses is like well he owns the city i'm i'm yeah i'm i'm the guy that killed the two bosses so everybody's gonna [ __ ] listen to me and keeping his new bride like sitting there uh with her hands and feet bound forever will pose its challenges i think maybe he just said we're gonna sit right here until you say yes okay maybe yeah yeah that would be a scene we didn't see yeah i could stay in this bean factory all week i don't know about you i got nowhere else to be i know you have a wedding dress poor man's pacino was standing and like iced tea was with him but did anybody else notice that he was just wearing a trench coat with no shirt on he's just like i was doing i was doing my flashing and then you call me up and just like you say that oh no he doesn't but it's like that it's like he's sitting there and he's just got a trench coat on yeah you know and you don't see anything but like just bare chest under and i'm like you just [ __ ] just get you off the flashing stream he subconsciously knows that a kickboxing fight is going to break out and so he's prepared for it and missed up missed up spray them pecks he wants to sh you want to glisten he's in a shootout right and he's like okay i feel kung fu's coming up i'm going to put down my gun and take off my blazer during the shootout then i'm going to pick my gun back up yeah yeah it happens like three times shame on the adversaries who were just like oh what the oh you're taking your coat off okay hold on hold on it's honor code yeah it's the code of the streets it's of the wars the code of honorable coat of honors coat of lords coat of honors see that's a [Laughter] pun keep this up we're going to run out of cardboard boxes you knew wow that was so clever that is not see that that's not a heroic thing to do no furry's been an [ __ ] he is an [ __ ] he's an unlikable protagonist well before before that fight right he has to kill the fly girl uh in in the most shockingly violent moment in the film oh my god wow jesus oh my god in a movie full of people getting shot to death but it's all just like generic squibs or whatever and occasionally he'll like break someone's neck it's it's nothing but then this one fly girl gets violently murdered and blood just shoots out of her head like she's being attacked by a phantasm ball yeah i spray out the mouth and then like when you see the lifeless body on the floor you'd think that the girl would have been the one that uh fly girl would have been the one that carla had to fight the obligatory girl fights sure why not and because it was established carla knew her way around firearm [Music] in the parking structure scene but she did not know her father was the most famous crime lawyer in the country yeah that's the most shocking revelation in the film why is everyone after me what you don't really know why no am i supposed to has to do with your father and what he does for a living what do you mean wait what it does for a living what she doesn't know what her father does i haven't been around to know much what i do know is that my father's a very successful businessman over halfway through the movie all of a sudden we realize that she has no idea that her father is the biggest crime boss in the country i think she's just in denial she my father's just a businessman she's just a businessman i think that's i think that's what it was okay when he said it was a cutthroat business i thought he was just being metaphorical i thought that noose was decorative he called dad the christmas news [Laughter] so that's a happy ending everybody dies but jack wade and jacquin not aunt becky uh and becky amber amber thief yeah and they they sail off into the sunset uh in a car nobody watching cares nobody cares nobody cares nobody cares about anything what are we doing here why are we doing this we're wasting the time and money with this stupid war well the war is over [Music] so the next film that we watch is the prequel to a movie we did three four years ago five twelve years ago eighteen order of the black eagle uh this is the the first film in the duncan jacks saga unmasking the idol uh rich oh wow what is the plot of i am asking the idol i am absolutely relieved of jesus jesus [ __ ] christ oh thank you james i will never forgive you thank you so much jay i appreciate will never forgive this for this from the bottom of my heart oh thank you so much i don't know why you're so upset robo woman's gonna take you two seconds to explain yeah but i gotta talk about the elephant in the room rich has to talk about the baby talk about the baboon in the room [Music] this is not a prequel this is just the one they made first sure okay uh duncan jacks this is one where they didn't have it figured out yet yeah they they didn't know their winning formula no this feels like a prototype to order the black eagle uh unmasking the ideal ideal unmasking the idol yeah features our hero duncan jacks who is a ninja that wears chainmail armor only on his face yeah duncan jacks is not related to basement jacks who made a music video where their band members all turned into monkeys nor duncan heinz people turned into moist ass cakes so he is a british ninja who works for an unaffiliated secret agency employs ninjas to steal gold what if each ninja style is bred to thieve a different ore so duncan jacks he's he's their top guy he specializes in gold yeah there's like a palladium and uh yeah the second in command the silver yeah yeah [Laughter] you're a sophomore you're out there you're collecting aluminum it's like i feel disrespected do you want to be a talc ninja whoa whoa you're going to devil's island five to get a stockpile of zinc you get your head out straighter we're gonna put you in the mercury division with those crazy bastards it's the 144th most important mission this week [Music] oh you got enough time to cut a human-sized door sure take your time because he's familiar with traps like this like indiana jones oh how did you know there was a hole that would a full a foolproof release lever it's on your right your other right oh boring he's put on this highly dangerous mission where he has to recruit three different people to uh storm the world's most heavily guarded island which they didn't really need any specialist because they just show up with like 30 different ninjas yeah and all of the planning was completely for naught yeah basically what is this it is kind of like a james bond movie but it's also kind of like a saturday morning kids cartoon show because there's a secret agent with a with a baboon and and it's it's very cartoonish but it's not like like serious is the usual spit bet sir yes double oh and seven very good sir oh my god oh that doesn't work that doesn't work maybe the writer was dumb enough to think that was really subtle they wouldn't yeah only the true fans will get this line uh he goes to a casino at the beginning and he his roulette numbers are double o and seven uh so there's things like that where they're like ah do you get it it's like well yeah of course we get it there's a range there's somewhere between you know like james bond probably classic james bond actually probably even somewhere in the middle then you got like ultra serious jason bourne and then you have completely silly austin powers and you're not in the middle you're it's you're not sure what you the problem is you're not sure if the comedy is intentional or unintentional it's like do they mean for this to be a joke yeah or was that double oh and seven gag really meant to be subtle like a wink wink well maybe some people will get it like a wink wink and they thought that would be really sly and instead it was just stupid yeah yeah the lead actor uh he he's only been in two films we looked him up he was only in the two duncan jacks movies and it's weird it's not like he's he's got less credits than the baboon that's true that's absolutely cool who i have to point out had a big role in the fly for [ __ ] sake yeah yeah yeah but this guy he kind he's not handsome he's not you know he's not like suave and like i'm a handsome spy he kind of looks like michael bolton yeah um and he's not a terrible actor but he's not a great actor he's not like a good comedic performer no he has a weird like i think intensity this is what throws you off a lot as far as what the tone of the movie's supposed to be right right must be that ninja you've been talking about it's a baboon i'd like you to meet the most intelligent primate in the world his name is boom boom this is china it's like what was he going for drying debonair yeah but flippant yeah he's like playing a spy but he's not playing it for yucks he's just kind of like well at a certain point you pointed out that he almost never blinks and that's all i could think about i think if you ever want to watch this movie i want to just lay a bet down that it's maybe 30 times throughout the entire film that you actually see him go yeah it's probably less than that yeah [Music] and i asked you during the screening i'm like who's the same fat like is it aimed at adults i'm looking at the shelter and i see now it's rated pg like a children's field there's so many people getting shot yeah and they murder remember they they literally dump two elderly people who are alive [Music] staircase sequence [Music] [Music] just random old people just old people because it's fun to torture them so this movie is yeah too tame for adults but uh too dry for kids and not fun enough and our kids will want to see more monkey yes adults we wanted to see more monkey that's why this is like the prototype of the sequel because the sequel we get more monkeys yeah we get we get boone driving a tank [Music] we get a cryogenically frozen hitler which is fun this is a wet dream for any escape artist who ever thought balloon balloon is the way it happens more than once in this film how are we gonna set our spy movie apart from all the other spy movies baloo hot air balloon he sneaks into a 1970s hotel somewhere in the world to steal a micro cassette from a safe hidden behind a portrait and then the bad guys are on to them and then they shoot at them that's awesome i don't want to jump into water that wasn't a dummy you just tensed up you know country what you would think the secret agents tell you to not go limp when you fall right go stiff ghosts go stiff you really want to break the surface tension to that water go stiff but duncan jacks and his bag of spy tricks has a special chemical bomb that blows up that doesn't make his enemies pass out so he could climb out of the pool and just walk away it makes him temporarily stunned so he could slowly get away yeah this already slowly flowed up into the sky oh my god what oh duncan jacks get into my eyes water's getting in my [ __ ] eyes full of chlorine what is this a hot air balloon yeah you know what it's kind of neat jay a very slow getaway in a hot air balloon is what you do i mean i guess he did the ball that they shot must have had some sort of yeah tear gas that's what allowed him to get away that's fine he planned it how did he [ __ ] fine did he know he would jump into a pool yeah that was part of his plan he's trying to break into a safe he's a super secret agent okay he's got nobody he was able to get to the roof a building so he knows there there's a pool on the premises i'm still here that took forever i'm home fortunately the balloon happened to float over here yeah you know what i'm gonna give her credit as silly as it was as silly as it was it was novel i have never seen an action scene like that before that's true there's probably a reason you haven't though it's this weird-ass giant balloon coming out of this pool it needed boom to fly by in like a plane though to pick them up well that's again the second movie new to have boone involved in the opening action sequence for a second i'm like did i forget that boom flew the [ __ ] but wasn't was that the same point where he was late okay was he throwing [ __ ] this is christmas boom ho ho ho time to pass out the presents be [Applause] [Music] generous he's not very good at controlling how he throws because he's a baboon that's fine [ __ ] where it goes [ __ ] all y'all he's the most intelligent primate on earth i know but he you should see the least intelligent primate spy because it was a disaster his first mission they went through so many monkeys before they got booned why do you have a baby we put him in the tank and he just ran over duncan teamed up with our most intelligent baboon yeah they complement each other perfectly they do a perfectly adequate job they're perfectly in sync perfectly in sync that's when they broke uh are just backflipping in front of the people they broke orson wells out of south american winery that's right that's right and boone was throwing bombs at guards basically the only good parts of this movie are when boone is doing something and he's not doing it and he's not doing and it's pretty much this yeah [Music] but but they learned they learned like like in in this film we get a scene with a really you know kind of kind of neat vaguely need scene with an atv and a guy jumps up and grabs the atv you know we're gonna bring that atv back in the sequel [Music] that's why there were no more duncan jacks movies they flew too close to the sun the insurance rates went up was ian hunter like racked with guilt and he made a declaration declaration right there on the spot i am never doing this again i am done i killed a stunt man i'm leaving acting and becoming a michael bolton impersonator i will play casinos across this great nation and i won't blink once he went on to be an internationally renowned staring chick customer contest champion [Music] a 280 pound man on a three-wheeler rode over my face i caught my foot as i was going over and i remember turning a flip but i thought oh wow i landed where i'm supposed to this ought to look really good but we had rehearsed it with a gun mounted on the three wheeler so when they put that on it changed his turn ratio so he came wider and he rode right over my face when the guy rode over my face when he felt the bump he had gunned it and actually spun the tire on my face oh i was a mess i was i was drugged up i just didn't care so duncan jax is in the casino yes the stereotypical james bond sequence where he gets in a tuxedo and gambles in a casino and he befriends a lady they have they have relations he heavily befriends her right it's like it's like the bond girl basically like that scene where james bond is in the casino and then he brings the lady back to his room and then which i thought they were parodying later on when he's in the hot tub and the camera like dollies out and there's like 12 ladies but then there's a couple guys and he throws it all off if it just kept dolling back and it was like lady after lady after lady like that would be funny [Music] how do you know this uh primate we work together oh so you are a ninja but she disappears after that i think she's some says something suspicious all i know is that when we cut to the first scene with our main uh uh villain the reds what are they called scarlet whatever they say you catch my drift old man sure what have you got to say not that i really care but i was like it's like a mask and a voice box and it's like that's going to be a lady like i knew immediately yeah yeah but why is why would she disguise herself in front of her own people because it's for our sake oh so the movie could surprise the audience with this character we saw before in five minutes in the opening of the movie and then duncan jacks attacks her they fight beats her mercilessly beats her up pretty good and she's like she's like okay i'm gonna go get in this world war ii fighter plane while everybody's escaping in giant hot air balloons and i'm gonna fly around duncan jackson's duncan jacks is with his not love interest no not linda hamilton yeah with the monkey in a jeep that's being attached to a hot air balloon yeah wow a lady flies around in a world war ii not attacking them not attacking them and then he goes like this and then she goes like this live to fight another day i think i think i think she was going to be a prominent recurring character in the long running duncan jackson she was scheduled to come back in the fifth one that was before the atv accident was this kevin feige's first like attempt at like like setting out a franchise unmasking the idol part five 1996. and he's got he's got the timeline and it's like kevin kevin it's over it all would have gone up great if we didn't run over that stuntman's head the stunt guy's suing the studio you're finished kevin you'll never work again my career is over yeah all right robert downey jr wants to do this iron man thing he's a husband he's a washer he is no one will give a [ __ ] if he runs over someone's head whatever we'll try it it'll never work but i'm trying ted prostitute loving coke addict wants to make an an iron man fill a shirt iron man nobody cares about superheroes ah whatever what about duncan jack's three kevin it's over it's over coming can we put any atvs in iron man no no what about a monkey a baboon they should have put a baboon in iron man that would have been great that would have been if jarvis was like a little monkey if this works maybe we'll give you a raccoon [Laughter] i'd rather have a talking tree get the [ __ ] out of here all the marvel cinematic universe is unused ideas from the sequels from the seven undeveloped duncan jacks films what if duncan jacks teams up with zeus shows up and we run over his head with an atv kevin you're young you're plucky you've got a lot of years ago forget the dunking jacket stuff move on it's over it's over the dream's over move on to your little iron man project the monkey wants out too he's got a starring rule movie maybe it was the atv incident that made boone walk away from the movie industry as well yeah i mean john landis talked about it movie sets are too dangerous you're telling me [Music] well robo woman uh you talked about a movie already right i did think you talked about it yeah talk about the wars you talked about l.a wars i definitely talked about i'm masking the idol oh rich oh rich you talking about non-masking in the items oh mike well what we have a third film and i think you have to you have to explain robo woman i'm so sorry it's okay i deserve it it's it's karma right for all my years of mental and physical and emotional abuse and elderly shaming talking about this movie may constitute elderly shaming i'm not sure and it helped me to figure out just what i need to do in order to get past all of this wait let's i refuse i am contractually obligated to talk about one movie per episode and i have i have done it already rubble woman released by wild eye releasing whenever you see the wild eye releasing logo on the back you know it's quality click off you know it's it's at least 15 steps below gravitas ventures uh their this case this release of this film should be criminal the last thing that i need is someone looking at me like i'm some sort of a science experiment of course of course i'll let him know i'm sure he's very respectful but i'll tell him what to expect thank you i think i can't believe we're watching this this is one of those movies you don't watch like you just throw in the trash right yeah yeah and we're watching it [Music] i mean you know you know how they have laws against deception and advertising sure sure i mean this should be criminal yeah how bad this is um this may be the worst film i've ever seen i know i've said that and it's you say that a lot and i'm not gonna disagree with you in this case it's not hyperbolic it's beyond cringe i have to come to terms with it every time i lay down at night and i can't even close my eyes that's your evil [ __ ] and his friends tried to use me as a [ __ ] toy i can't do this you have to reg i can't do this this is what you signed up for you're stuck here forever can we make this black spine [Laughter] this is something beyond cringe and i was legitimately uncomfortable watching this and why is that because you ah you're gonna explain it baby he's gonna get your spam because he didn't even see anybody um yeah yes okay yeah and uh okay so this movie takes place in egypt on denial it feels like i'm watching 911 footage yeah it's absolutely horrific yeah the bad news it's got a strange fascination to it all the same the filmmaker is named dustin ferguson dustin ferguson and he makes a movie every 15 minutes yeah he has yeah if you go to amazon prime there's a plethora of films that he's directed films that he's directed yeah and and so we didn't know that at the time we put it on we watch it and and then you see our lead actress and jay you said she started off her career as more or less an extra she is an uncredited extra in like blade runner so all these things like going way back yeah not no major acting roles just kind of like uncredited extra this character this background character one episode of l.a law or something like that background one line bar patron and then there was a span of time from 1996 to 2007 or something where she didn't work and then so now it feels like this movie feels like oh i want to be a famous actor i want to be the lead and it feels like a vanity project continue [Laughter] he's doing it for me mike you're doing a great job of passing the buck he's doing a great job making you tell this chase the sucker he's doing it for me this character lives with a roommate and it's supposed to be like a younger character we think we think it's hard to say by the movie but as you said the actress was born in the 50s a late a lady who works at a company gets assaulted and she becomes has to a robo-woman and has to kill her attackers the script could call for a woman of any age but this is really a role for a 25 year old yes someone who's young a temp has a roommate blah blah blah the script it's like like um linda hamilton's character in the terminator sure linda hamilton has a roommate uh and the you know are you sarah connor god listen to music while i get back exactly and linda hamilton works in a diner where little kids put ice cream and her smock yeah right and so that is a role for a woman who is well she [ __ ] 19 years yeah yeah early 20s right so much less than 60. yes yes so the role is for a 20 to 25 year old woman clearly the woman who's playing the part is not that which makes you wonder is this entire movie her idea in the same way that like a gedivin where you have a a middle-aged uh what was he a lawyer or a real estate guy but real estate is neil brainman is yeah there's a level of out of touchness because i don't want to say like a 60 year old woman can't star in a movie because going back going back to lindell hamilton she was in the newest terminator movie and whatever else you want to say about that movie i don't think anybody complains that linda hamilton stars in it can i stop you right ahead linda hamilton was playing sarah connor as a six-year-old woman linda hamilton in 2020 could not play linda hamilton in 1984. sure the lady who plays robo-woman did she approach the filmmaker dustin ferguson and say dustin i want to i want to act again i want to start make me a star right i have 80 thousand dollars i will give you my 1990s camera i'm ready for my far up mr ferguson like i said i did move a few things around so i hope that's okay here [Music] oh look at her look at the robot oh he's gonna rub out our under jersey glasses of course tactical vision i almost had a legit spit that was that was a close call so so you have a script right called robo woman and the general plot we're just going to lay it out here the general plot is her character is a as a temp at some kind of company and there's a creepy guy who says why don't you come out with me or blah blah blah birthday party yeah and it's a trap i hope it doesn't go against the uh non-compete clothes because this company is known to be a little too happy nothing for you or what you're worried about oh my god what what my brother who has special needs i don't know why this is important to the plot because the the filmmakers saw i spit on your grave which is a rape revenge movie where one of the four rapists has a mental disability right uh as his birthday present to his mentally challenged brother so that the scene happens the rape doesn't occur it goes thankfully yes thankfully for us it goes wrong they just said [ __ ] it you know let's kill her they stab her in her shoulder and they leave her in the park to die and so this is actually a a a futuristic science fiction movie that takes place in the year 2024 yes the far distant future future where cybernetics are an alternative to traditional medicine for those who are poor enough to where they can't afford traditional medicine so it's like oh i i've gotten blinded by mace or pepper spray i can't have my eyes fixed by traditional doctors i have to get a jordy la forge visor and filled with blue tarps painting tarps good old blue painters no tarps not that's not what you should do [Music] now we only overseen by mel novak does her accept them fix my i have to know again to amputate my arm i gotta stand at the shoulders so they had to amputate my arm now her eyes got taken from her unfortunately and she gets the red vision with the nice big block in the middle you know that doesn't even mean anything there's no numbers there's nothing it's just exactly how does that make it better oh it's from natural sight yeah look if you were completely blind you might you might put up with the giant reticle right in front of your face i see a big square and i'm [ __ ] psyched i can actually see that [ __ ] square i'm okay with it because mel novak pulled my eyeballs out he's got butt hair on his head well they took her arm hair that's why he amputated the arms did you say butt hair mel novak's butt hair yeah because it was just like the plant that i thought you said buck hair because like they transplanted deer hair to his head it is the future there's a lot of deer out there in the future deer are all here during the great nature wars of 2022 ain't no bone and deer they pull off the skin from deers and they graft it onto heads of bald men yeah yeah and you got deer you got a nice deer head of deer hair wisconsin-born deer hair you're welcome mel nose melanovac thank you melanoma you're a pioneer in the hair transplant world if you're if you're really wealthy you could afford like a patch of deer that's got like a big antler it's a status symbol in 2022 2024. their alums breed without the use of these crude machines how can you do this i mean how can i've been working on this well over 30 years what is the focus of that shot you know they had like 12 inches they could only afford one tarp they didn't have a tarp behind her so they just filmed the back of her head yes because he couldn't just film these angles and then move her and make it appear that it's the reverse angle and the filmmaker dustin ferguson has the camera from 2002 from 2002 it's it's like a mini dv or a high 8 camera and he doesn't know how to switch the focus from auto focus to manual i mean it's it's atrociously on a technical level this is shockingly bad for a movie made in 2019 yeah oh yeah i mean dslr cameras at this point are are cheap enough [ __ ] [ __ ] iphone camera an iphone looks better than this yeah i don't know what's what is the problem if i don't know what like cameras they just didn't have the lighting well they definitely didn't have they let this movie with car headlights i like hide and seek where are you the lighting i can excuse you you go out to some desert location right you don't have power i mean like i get that you have to light your scene with headlights i totally get that but but being unable to film in hd on a somewhat decent camera with somewhat decent resolution in 2019 or understanding the basic framing of a shot and he works in groups but if you'd rather work one-on-one like your attention should not be drawn to the uh the potential fire hazard outlet behind her there's some guy's window so many scenes in this movie take place in her and her roommates robo woman and her mates apartment and just like the framing of it is completely wrong well there's there's the shot there's the part where a robo woman does her training with the like the jiu jitsu mats oh yeah and he's he does dustin ferguson places the camera down right and robo woman and the guy are in the in the background in the foreground is like the pads from some kind of like weightlifting machine and the camera just auto focuses to that and they're blurry in the background and we're like and they didn't make them either what do you wish to do with the new found control i will make things right very well it's just like it's like we're gonna listen to these pads first there might be some discussion behind the pads don't don't pay attention to that there's also the scene where she's sparring with him and it's filmed entirely from the back of her head yeah yeah maybe dustin ferguson has a back of the head fetish because that's a reoccurring thing throughout the film so yeah robo woman is on is hellbent on a quest to destroy those who attempted to rape her but failed to rape her yes and stabbed her yeah rob a woman says i'm just going to decide to leave my apartment and i'm going to walk down right to the dumpster yo [ __ ] you looking for some action in the neck why would she just walk down to the [Music] dumpster oh well that was easy what did he do he didn't say anything she's crazy she's crazy now oh that's right her brains because her robo-brain is great i knew that was gonna happen see only the servos in her arm work don't they start groping at her no that's the other guy who grabs your boobs okay yes that's a different scene that's the uh the gun dealer that'll be two g's two of these buddy listen lady you want protection and i'm not the kind of guy that needs some protection you just handed her a [ __ ] gun you idiot this is the dumbest rapist i've ever seen he says here's your gun now i will grope you my that's very grab my two g's here's your loaded gun i know i will now assault you unarmed while you hold this armed gun yeah yeah but she kills the two guys by the dumpster we don't see it we hear sound effects don't say it because they couldn't shoot it i'm glad that they took you know what to try i don't know if anybody else is in tai chi like i am oh i'm totally into it yes you know but do you run just into like a space and stand there [Music] i like that they didn't go out to like the like the desert in california which is relatively close joshua tree is so [ __ ] yeah it's a little a little yelled hat but they've gone on to like best kids rocks investigators they go out to like where like construction equipment is as paved the dirt for like a new housing development like town houses being built in the distance behind the beautiful sunset oh it's nature and between in between condo development and the golf course and the new costco it's the desert it's beautiful it's such a beautiful wednesday morning i feel like so it's just very special wednesday morning beautiful wednesday morning i don't think i've ever eaten like this i'll just go get the picture all right so that's our three movies uh this is the point of the night when we pick best of the worst uh uh best of the worst is l.a wars we're done [Music] oh no we have people thinking about it now all right okay tim no you know what it's like wars is good it's good it's and it's the best of the worst it is don't try to sweat his phone no no no no no no he needs to have you actually this is the first time i'm actually thinking of what's best the worst everything else was as you should tim thank you it is your opinion that's true thank you don't listen to you jason [Music] you look at these three films and you say what is to me to you what is best of the worst what did you enjoy the most entertaining for any reason yeah what did you enjoy watching the most what did you have the most fun watching actually it would have to be l.a wars c ally wars yeah uh rich i don't even know how this is something you have to think about i'm i'm gonna say robo woman just because i want to see what kind of chaos mike is going to cause oh my god oh my god just for that reason okay nice are you gonna derail everything no no i'm not i i will never ever ever say robo woman is the best of anything okay then my pick is l.a wars okay fair enough but to be fair to be fair it's close between l.a wars and unmasking the idea really yeah look out i was mostly bored by unmasking the idol a few cute things and i'm asking the idol a few cute things if i were to say the classic best of the worst movie would be l.a wars because it does hit a lot of the b-movie hallmarks and it is quality and while there is a vhs on display there is a for some reason this vhs looks like like like blu-ray quality when we watched it i don't know how that works but beautiful blu-ray transfer done by our friends at vinegar syndrome yeah this vhs copy yeah i don't know how they did it and and yeah unmasking the idol is fascinating it's a nice trial run for the far superior order of the blacky we could put unmasking the idol in the fascinating category but uh if i were the best of the worst is uh l.a wars because it it's it's that quintessential b-movie kind of movie out of the three it's l.a wars the robo-woman is is is despicable trash what the hell are you doing let me ask you guys this do we want to destroy robo woman yes yes yes robo woman this formula can enhance you robo woman why it can turn you into a younger format like like blu-ray you'd like that wouldn't you yes to the power of this serum and my mighty scientific mind why i can turn you into the kind of movie you always wanted to be a good one [Laughter] yes just take it take the serum yes oh oh it's working it's it's starting yes it's working it's working something's happening i'm sure it'll level out at any moment [Music] this isn't what i intended at all [Music] i forgot to carry the one i i mean this is working perfectly perfectly fine [Music] you

Channel: RedLetterMedia

Views: 562,130

Rating: 4.9414248 out of 5

Keywords: redlettermedia, red letter media, red, letter, media, plinkett, half in the bag, mike stoklasa, jay bauman, rich evans

Id: NgBgpkip58k

Length: 82min 57sec (4977 seconds)

Published: Wed Mar 31 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/TFFTN]

Movies with baboons are becoming a BOTW sub-genre.

[u/RickMacd19]

Biggest take away, I was relieved to get some closure and find out that the Order of the Black Eagle stuntman actually survived that horrific ATV stunt gone wrong!

[u/Supermunch2000]

Wait, wait...

Ankle Biters?!?! Where's Ankle Biters!??!?!

[u/Davidcopsafeel]

I'm having a hard time watching the Robowoman segment, that lady is really upsetting looking

[u/Ditcka]

I can’t be the only one who thinks that martial artist guy in Robowoman looks like a tall, buff Rich

[u/platinum_railgun]

This is the dumbest rapist I've ever seen

-Rapist expert Rich Evans

[u/FuckYouZackSnyder]

Good God! Robowoman is a 2019 release. Not only that, there's a Robowoman 2 on the way.

[u/Ryan0413]

I don't know why, but movies like RoboWoman or Shark Exorcist just have a camera quality that just gives me a sick feeling in my stomach

[u/hyperjumpgrandmaster]

I love that Tim managed to get Mike with that "two and a half hours" fakeout. Mike looked genuinely scared.