Baby's Day Out Review

baby's day out is about as interesting as my taint this film is complete and total [ __ ] and i didn't buy its unrealistic premise for one goddamned minute but the one positive thing about the film was that it didn't lie to me it was pretty much exactly what it said it was however when the film was released overseas in germany audiences there must have been very disappointed because the poster for the foreign release of the film was accidentally titled gareschlectus verhakker dare schmears inference when loosely translated it means [ __ ] the pain away number one written by john hughes so baby's day out was written by a guy named john hughes but he made some of the best movies of the 80s on the subject of teens growing up and struggling with becoming adults movies like 16 candles ferris bueller's day off and the breakfast club mr hughes also wrote a lot of pretty good comedy films as well films like national lampoon's vacation weird science uncle buck the great outdoors planes trains and automobiles and kevin bacon but then in the 90s john hughes started writing total [ __ ] like the beethoven movies dennis the menace flubber and made in manhattan what the [ __ ] so it won't surprise you that he wrote this piece of [ __ ] script for baby's day out a movie about a baby that crawls around the city and almost gets hit by cars he must have whipped up this [ __ ] script in an afternoon for some money to buy a new boat can't say i blame the man cause new boats ain't gonna buy themselves but he made us all suffer as a consequence baby's day out actually spawned a congressional hearing in 1994 on whether the federal government should ban the production of hollywood films altogether no really i'm not [ __ ] you this actually happened so anyway let's break it all down number two nothing was funny this movie attempted to do two things make you laugh and warm your heart it didn't either i only warmed my pants with urine and my pants in fact this movie is so [ __ ] bad that it makes furry vengeance look like jersey girl or was it jersey shore so anyways the creators of the movie were counting on two things to carry the film one that audiences would find the baby cute and number two that audiences would find people getting hit in the crocs hysterical and that's pretty much it and while this baby does have a face that you just want to feed taco bell to it doesn't make up for the massive amounts of flaws that this [ __ ] movie is plagued with you see a classic cartoon premise doesn't translate to real life situations without totally frustrating people so many things happen in this movie that just make you so [ __ ] angry that i can't list them all from people never ever noticing that there's a baby right there to people sustaining injuries so severe that they should have died cartoon violence works in cartoons only but when it's in a movie with real people then you're asked to suspend your disbelief and your brain is all over the map when all the laws of physics are broken i mean you can only take it so far when an audience gets really frustrated that there's no logic in a movie they'll usually end up hating it you see baby's day out was clearly modeled after the success of home alone and when i say modeled i mean ripped off we got the same elements in play a vulnerable cute little kid fending off would-be robbers and criminals all on his own this is it don't get scared now and while it was a virtual certainty that macaulay culkin would grow up to be some kind of weird drug-addled creepy sex pervert for the time being he was a cute little kid and everybody loved him i think with baby's day out they said let's make him an even younger kid this time and instead of a house he's in the whole city they [ __ ] up so bad it's not even funny kind of like the guy that installed my toilet so the main bad guys in this movie are three knucklehead criminals who kidnap baby [ __ ] to get ransom money from his rich parents they posed as homosexual photographers to gain entry into the house you were expecting us and then they convinced the [ __ ] mother to have a few moments alone with her baby may i have some time alone with the child what to learn how best to [ __ ] him uh yeah nothing weird about that then they sneak them out the window into a creepy van and leave at least they got a proper car seat for the baby now while we're on the subject of ripping [ __ ] off these guys are essentially the modern day three stooges there's the slightly smarter one that's in charge there's the dumb one and lastly the guy that was in the matrix what there's no [ __ ] shame at all with this movie they're just taking [ __ ] that's worked before and shoving it in wherever they can there's nothing original here and that's the big problem it's all a bunch of crap we've seen before you know when you're 119 years old you've seen a lot of stuff seen a lot old cartoons or movies tv shows so when you watch stuff today nothing really seems new or fresh except for twilight i really like twilight but you see the three stooges i mean those guys are professional slapstick guys these [ __ ] aren't funny at all i mean it's kind of shocking that in a film that relies entirely on slapstick humor that they didn't cast anyone that's associated with physical comedy in these roles let's take a look at this first scene so the joke here is that joey pants can't change a diaper and he's got no idea how to put clothes on a baby let's watch you get it you get it yet that's the joke hey maybe you should download a program into his brain about child care that was a matrix joke did you get it but while the audience is praying to die or for the scene to end whatever comes first the horrible reality starts to set in the reality that this is going to be the whole film we have to watch 90 minutes of this [ __ ] so let's explain how we got here number three the setup so i already mentioned how these guys stole the baby right but here's why it's because the mother character wants to have a picture of her baby in the paper the picture in the paper everyone we know has had their babies picture in the paper picture in the paper apparently in this movie's universe you get a picture in the paper of your stupid baby if you're important and rich enough so the angle here is that these two [ __ ] don't really appreciate their baby it's established that the nanny is more of a bond with the baby than the mother does and she's a cold distant heartless self-absorbed horrible woman who has nothing else to do all day but to not care about her baby i guess that's a lesson all of us can relate to if you live in a giant mansion and want a picture of your baby in the paper and add a picture in the paper you better care about your baby too or else they'll get kidnapped crawl across a busy street and a truck will drive over them but you see this is just where the [ __ ] starts getting irritated baby [ __ ] is kidnapped and then they call on fred thompson to help then nothing happens the entire plot except for one scene where their only lead comes from a prank call made by mike starr i call because i care no secrets revealed about the bad guys no plot twist about the ransom or what the husband does for a living or whatever it's literally scene after scene of baby [ __ ] going from one comic set piece to the next he climbs on a roof bad guys fall off the roof he leaves the building in an elevator because a box propped open the door but then the baby climbs on a bus and then they follow the bus for some reason like a bunch of crazy people i guess they wanted to make the scene exciting and have it be like a exciting chase scene or something hey idiots a bus makes regular stops just follow her and then park behind it when it stops or else you're going to lose it on there goes and how did the driver not notice that there's a baby in the bus's stairwell i mean it's right next to him eventually they catch the bus and then they see that baby [ __ ] is in some big fat [ __ ] purse now this scene leads me to the next section which i'll call number four harsh reality this sickening movie should be [ __ ] banned because it essentially makes light of the terrible reality an increasing problem of home infant comedy injury or hickey movies like baby's day out paint an unrealistic portrayal that infants are toys to be played with and they can be put in dangerous situations without any real consequence case in point the censored and very graphic sidewalk scene the following video may be disturbing to some people so when the fat woman gets chased by the kidnappers it's because baby [ __ ] is inside her bag and they saw him inside her bag she places the bag on the ground and it tips over this causes baby [ __ ] to tumble out slamming his delicate head on the concrete now before he get upset this was just a dummy hollywood often uses prop kids and scenes if they're like too heavy for the actor to hold them all day or they're like put in some kind of dangerous situation but this very simple act of placing down a bag with a baby in it would have caused serious injury to a real baby the filmmakers ultimately censored the shot from the final film but that doesn't erase the reality that babies are fragile and this kind of disgusting misleading irresponsible film should never have been made now let's talk about my favorite scene in the whole film when baby [ __ ] is trapped in a gorilla cage and is almost eaten alive number four the gorilla scene so somehow baby bank ends up inside a gorilla cage and for 30 minutes we have to watch these [ __ ] try and get the baby out in long boring and unfunny ways so speaking of injuries let's talk about this and go through why it was horribly inaccurate and misleading number one in order to bend a one inch by one inch steel bar you need to exert about 40 000 psi of pressure number two his body would not be able to apply that kind of pressure without resulting in serious medical injuries number three the gorilla could not throw him the way he did without proper leverage and certainly couldn't throw him at the speed needed to bend the bars now assuming that the gorilla could actually throw him fast enough to bend those bars this is what would have happened to joe monterna number one his spine would have shattered on impact along with his hip and pelvic bones number two his torso would bend inwards snapping his clavicle bones and shattering his entire rib cage i'm a banana number three massive damage to all internal organs number four skull would have cracked when it hit the bars causing brain damage or instant death if his head managed to pass in between two bars the whiplash effect would have certainly severed his head from his body but i doubt that what happened in a children's film this would cause the head to land somewhere in the chimpanzee cage roll around on the ground for a few seconds before coming to a stop the chimpanzees would then look for the head find it and then begin ripping it apart eating the flesh off the skull number five the plot oh yeah let's talk about the plot although this will be a short topic so throughout the whole film while the baby and the kidnappers run around we keep cutting back to the mom who just sits in her house practicing for her next acting gig which is a zoloft ad maybe go out and look for your [ __ ] baby it would be pointless and dangerous for you to go out searching for your baby oh now i've been through a number of these kids hey i understand how you feel mrs cottwell there are five members thompson places where your boy shut up let her go look for a baby she probably found it by now you haven't gotten [ __ ] done you [ __ ] don't look at me like that answer me you [ __ ] you see the criminals just happen to find the baby many times just by accident however the mother staying home all the time does set up for what could have been the greatest lesbian sex scene ever to appear in a children's film i haven't forgotten your feelings i mean you know the mom's a little tense my feelings don't matter yes they do thank you very much yeah and annie's a little tense yeah she wants some some love in a in a you know a female way that you you know love my baby scott and it's been as much yours as mine i'm sorry but can't i get anything out of this movie really nothing's funny there's no real action no sex no violence and then there's a shitty sappy stupid ending that don't make no sense i mean both these women have done their fair share of dirty roles why can't they make room for that here too wait why am i watching this movie [ __ ] babies day out [ __ ] it anyways so basically all these events are strung along by the only plot in the film that this baby is following the visuals in his storybook which lead him from one location to the next this dumb premise allows the nanny who might actually be the real mother of the baby if you know what i'm saying to figure out that baby [ __ ] was gonna somehow find his way to a retirement home for old world war ii soldiers all on his own nanny and baby boo stopped at the old soldiers home to visit mr tinsel that's where he is no i ain't shooting you that's the actual conclusion of the film because it was in the storybook so the baby knows how to find the retirement home i don't even know what's so anyways let's go back a bit the criminals actually physically catch the baby at one point and what follows just might be the worst scene in motion picture history so the baby crawls through a pipe and doesn't get stuck unlike baby jessica babies don't go nowhere near pipes so they grab the baby and then they walk back to their van and they see that some cops are there so instead of one of them running off with the baby while the other two talk to the police and agree to move their van all three sit down on a park bench and wait for the cops to come to them so that they could have a gut-busting hilarious scene joe montagna hides the baby under his coat now to the cops i guess this doesn't look suspicious at all even though it looks highly suspicious then in a visual more creepy than anything you might see in the shining the baby's little hand reaches down and starts grabbing at his [ __ ] he actually squeezes his dick over and over again with the creepy little baby hand to admire the beautiful martini makes weird painful faces and still the cops don't ask hey what's under your coat then the baby takes out a lighter and then he manages to get it lit for some reason and then starts to burn his crotch look no matter how much you don't want to get caught and no matter how much you want that ransom money if someone starts putting a lighter on my [ __ ] crotch i'm gonna get up screaming this scene goes on for a painfully long period of time in fact let's examine just how long this hilarious scene goes on for let me get out my [ __ ] stopwatch begin i'm gonna shut off my microphone for a little while while i time this scene oh good i can take a break now for making this review for all these stupid [ __ ] on the internet you get some [ __ ] done all right i gotta make a phone call sky mall direct this is brian how can i help you hello i'd like to order some new hair plugs okay sir what's your name my name's harry s plinkett customer number 497-4820385 uh how many earplugs did you need and was there a problem with the last batch that we sent you no they got ripped out by a hooker okay let me just pull this order up here for you we can get you all set so we'll get that order in right away for you is there anything else i can help you with today yeah i wanted to check on a separate order i placed about a week ago now okay sir um what was that order for it was for about 16 merkins item number 568 salt and pepper extra absorbent oh okay uh i am showing those as shipped and received are you sure you didn't get those sir um i'll have to look around sometimes my cat opens my mail but i don't know what my cat would want with the box full of merkins well maybe her cat mistook him for cat toys i guess that's possible anything's possible with bush in the white house okay let's confirm we have two dozen new hair plugs 16 salt and pepper merkins a box of industrial strength anal lube 11 rolls of duct tape 40 boxes of hefty trash bags black one c46 black and decker table top saw blade replacement one case of raid fast kill low irritant and a dvd titled little people having big fun will that complete your order sir yeah you guys got my credit card number on file it's my brother-in-law's credit card it says rick berman on it said i could use it you gotta trust me oh okay uh your total comes to two thousand hundred charge that card when will i get my merkins in the mail oh a scene from baby stay out's almost over listen just tell me how long it's gonna take to get my order about five to seven business days okay good good i gotta go now i gotta go well thank you sir for using skymall direct my name was brian did you have any further oh good brian's gone i gotta turn my microphone back on okay i'm back on oh my god six minutes did this scene really need to be six minutes number six a climax the climax of the movie takes place but where else a dangerous construction zone connecting this scene from the scene in the park is two shots where the one dude runs out of the park and then quickly finds the baby somehow it would be pointless and dangerous for you to go out searching for your baby alright so back to the construction scene again this throws all logic out of the window when we see things happen to people that should have killed them i mean was this movie made just to piss me off seriously it's making me really [ __ ] angry how does a guy not die when falling 20 stories into a trash bin so it's unlike the baby gets on like one of the i-beams and then and then they start lifting them up in the air and he just sits on it and he doesn't like move or or fall off it or anything like that carl sandberg once said life is like an onion peel it off one layer at a time sometimes you weep you know he's crawling around and then carl sandburg is a [ __ ] [ __ ] the guy gets hit in the head with the hammer and then the baby like slides down the high beam he doesn't fall off the edge he just slides perfectly down the eye beam and lands on top of an elevator like this guy oh geez god and why did they dress the baby up like chucky milwaukee mark with the milwaukee mob what the [ __ ] does that mean and then like i don't know if you go back earlier in the film like like all this [ __ ] happens throughout this whole movie like like well barking's like how is he fitting through the bars he he's like all the way into the cage and they've established that the bars are just like but somehow his entire body is through the bars and then they cut to the next shot and it's just his arm so then like in the department story he goes in and out of the department store through the revolving doors and then on his way out he's like sitting in the revolving doors and and of course everyone knows revolving doors always spin counterclockwise so so watch he's like sitting down facing the one direction and then in the very next shot he's facing the other way so that the door will push him but he wasn't sitting that way in the shot right before it marquette stole my merkin he didn't have the time to turn around and then speaking of that when he goes outside i mean the news reporter is doing a story on a missing baby and the baby's right there and she drops her microphone and and she bends down to pick it up but they make like a point to show that she doesn't look down to pick up her microphone but obviously the camera guy panned down and he saw the baby and then they show the mother and she's in her house and she just happens to miss the shot where the baby's on the tv but that doesn't exclude the hundred 000 people that are watching the newscast then they're on like the 60th floor of this construction building and for some reason there's some kind of heavy machine all the way up there but it's mixing something that looks like banana pudding what is that is that like glue or anybody want to help me milk my [ __ ] it doesn't look like concrete mixed to me it looks more like banana pudding maybe they're making some kind of comment about the gerber corporation in their anti-union practices and so email me if you're in construction and you could tell me what that substance is what you want to make jokes join the circus they don't tell jokes in the circus it's more about acrobatics and animals and amazing feats it's not really about jokes now if the gorilla were to actually hit the broom with the amount of force needed to propel a man upwards into the air that high clearly the broom would have snapped in half rather than what happened in the movie this is clearly those are making [ __ ] the pain away [ __ ] the pain away [ __ ] the pain away brought the pain away [ __ ] the pain away [ __ ] the pain away [ __ ] the pain away [ __ ] the pain away she lied to me she said she was gonna put in episode three and she didn't lie to me instead i had to sit through this piece of [ __ ] [ __ ] this movie is a bunch of [ __ ] but what who's calling me at this hour hello harry it's nadine oh it's you what do you want every listen i kept my promise i didn't go to the cops that's good nadine it's good to keep your promises i guess i'm just a girl who likes to take matters into her own hands look even your line of work i'd imagine that's true say how's that baby yours i wanted to tell you i know where you live and i'm coming for you well i'll be waiting for you you

Channel: RedLetterMedia

Views: 1,190,488

Keywords: Red Letter Media, Mr. Plinkett, Review, Baby's Day Out

Id: 7zjXphIoYwg

Length: 24min 52sec (1492 seconds)

Published: Fri Jul 01 2016

Reddit Comments

[u/the_bothan_alchemist]

It seems like RLM is taking a leaf out of Lucas' book. When talking about John Hughes the line "you might have heard of him because he just died" has been cut. Seriously, if you're going to edit such a classic video, at least give people the option to watch the version that they grew up with. At this point, I think it's safe to say the Mike Stoklasa ruined my childhood.

[u/g2g4m10]

Fuck the pain away

[u/roadghost24]

"To learn how best to f*k him"

[u/HAHA_goats]

Man, Skymaul has everything.

[u/jeffwingersballs]

What technology can Lucas give us to alter the film to make a lesbian scene between Lara Flynn Boyle and Miranda?

[u/[deleted]]

OMG the defs are so hi.

[u/ImMakinTrees]

The SkyMall portion slayed me. Anyone know when exactly the original was uploaded? The Bush comment has me curious.

[u/DoctorCroooow]

It's finally Tomorrow!