Mother in law demands we don't invite father in law to our wedding (Part II)

[Music] in the last installment cruise control shut down our attempted meeting by crying a lot and gave us a long handwritten letter to read so that we could get her point of view which we already had plenty of by the way we got home and didn't read the stupid letter it was late and we had work the next day so i left it on the kitchen table now this next moment was not a particularly flattering one for dh he awoke before me and read the letter to find out how maddening it would be and he decided to hide it from me d h has been managing his mom's emotions for his entire life he really genuinely thought that it was not just okay to hide it but the right thing to do i looked and looked and had to give up and go to work and then i teased the truth out of him after he got home that evening after taking a few deep breaths until the red tint faded from the edges of my vision seriously what was he thinking i explained that unlike his mom i'm a ducking adult i can manage my own emotions thank you very much by all means warn me if it's bad i appreciate the heads up however i'm not made of glass and i can make my own decisions he can't treat me like a child who can't handle the truth it's insulting he fetched it for me and sat across from me and watched my face as i read it keep in mind i'm already in a bad mood by now i burn the letter later so this is what i remember i will do my best to summarize her mental gymnastics these are just the highlights parenthesis are my personal thoughts and feelings page one i'm a single mother with only one child this is my only opportunity to have a say in my kids wedding weddings are traditionally for the parents not the kids letting the bride and groom choose their own guests is a modern invention and that's not how it used to be i'm a traditional lady and i like things to be old-fashioned when it benefits me but i'm willing to make concessions for modern culture when it benefits me she wanted us to be grateful that she was letting us choose our guest list and setting it up so that she was having her writer's mob taken away so we should give her control over just a few guests phil and his family page two i want to be happy on the day of my only child's wedding and i simply can't and won't feel happy if i have to see phil i still can't stand to see his name written down and it will hurt me if his name is in the invitations or the programs we hadn't gotten anywhere near that point in planning yet let alone seeing his face for the first time in years he and smile are a toxic presence in my life they are to never have been present in her life she goes to great lengths to avoid them and i can't expose myself to that a good person wouldn't ask me or expect me to i raised you to be kind and understanding to my ducking insane desires so i know you will let me have it my way she also graciously allowed me to keep my bridesmaids though she said that four is too many and two is plenty it's not necessary if you're just doing this to indulge them she didn't want the h's stepsisters to be my bridesmaids but she let me have it okay she did say that i should caution them not to talk about phil or their mom around her pages 326 or so can't remember how many pages it was might have been more were three suggested compromises and her stupid justifications for them number one was that one of dh's parents could have the ceremony and one of them could have the reception she wanted the reception because of the mother sundance because it's a right blah blah blah so phil would get the 15-minute ceremony and then have to leave and not speak to anyone yep cool plan number two was that we could get legally married at a courthouse and then have our marriage before god on separate days as separate events she's more religious and deserved the church ceremony with the pretty dresses and flowers of course men aren't as interested in that and i'm sure phil would love to be your witness then she would go straight to the reception and stay until cake and then she would leave and let phil come and enjoy the rest of the evening when people would be getting drunk which she is uncomfortable with again how convenient this would also mean that phil wouldn't be in any of our wedding photos the next idea of hers is what i still can't wrap my head around no matter how i try it's just too ducking stupid you could see a mass of idiocy this large from space this amount of stupidity is larger than some small nations this lunacy has its own gravitational field you could spend a day blindfolded shooting nerf pellets at a vintage typewriter and come up with a less nonsensical plan than this one she said that in weddings only the father of the bride and the mother of the groom mata because the fob has to walk his daughter down the aisle and the mother of the groom is the one who plans the rehearsal dinner and opened speeches at the reception i don't know where she got that plus the groom mog dance is just so important therefore not only is phil completely unnecessary my mother is unnecessary she said that my mom is just a guest like any other so dh shouldn't feel bad if his dad isn't there for the whole thing if he wants things to be fair he can uninvite my mom to make things evan stevens then we can have a mini reception later with just the bridesmaids groomsmen phil and my mom that way both of our families will be represented equally at the large reception and the small one what she suggested was basically just a brunch my mom deserves better than brunch she said we could make it like a mini wedding and with a photographer so that everyone is happy duck out to here my mom could still be a part of the wedding by attending the thing where the bride and bridesmaids get ready together because all a mob really wants is to get to see her little girl in her big white dress in her special day she basically wanted to judgment of solomon my wedding so basically cruz control brit explained what weddings are all about and what should and shouldn't matter to us british planed momsplained [ __ ] splained she got a lot of things very wrong and assumed we'd never bother to google it she also assumed her own son is petty and immature enough to go with option three which he would never she never mentioned smell in these plans i don't know if she meant that we should just treat her as a plus one for phil or if she just assumed we wouldn't invite her because of her fifi's she refuses to accept that smile has been a parent to dh he doesn't even call her his stepmother i finished the letter and just said your mother is insane she is crazy she's a crazy person she'll never be happy he agreed but i was pee because he was kind of laughing it off like a haha that's my mom all right the stuff i put up with what a goofy letter i was like this is our wedding it's important this isn't letting her choose a restaurant and putting up with it because it's not a hill to die on this is actually worth the fight and i don't think you're willing or able to fight her on it that is no boono you need to take this seriously starting now holy sh man he sobered up a bit and was like yeah i know i've been dreaming of marrying you for so long and i shouldn't let her have this i said don't you find this depressing it's making me miserable i feel like i can't win dh shrugged and said i've never won i gave up on that a long time ago we had a heart to heart about how he'd become a defeatist but i wasn't that way and that was part of the problem he copes by letting go of his emotional investment in things cruise control doesn't want him to have but i can't and won't do that so i'm distressed and he's just chilling next thing i did was take that letter and bring it straight to my parents and my bridesmaids so that they would see what we were all up against to this day my parents hate cruise control in the last installment i described cruise controls letter in which she helpfully outlined several options for us to better serve a massive ego and delicate feelings the letter ended up being a pretty damning document of what a fucknachi is so i showed it to pretty much everybody as one does the first people i showed it to were my bridesmaids which included the h's stepsisters they had been named in the letter as unnecessary and they did not like that one bit we talked about what an insane pose cruise control was and we tried and failed to come up with plans i was depressed about the situation and i wanted my mom damn it she was gobsmacked by the letter and she comforted the h and i we had a nice weekend with my parents and she made my favorite cookies so it wasn't all bad it was important to me that dh was there so he could see a few people demonstrate a normal reaction to that letter i told dh that i was not going to make the decision for him but that he should find a way to tell cruz control that he wasn't going to uninvite his dad i said that i refuse to disrespect his family on the day that our families are joined and i would be ashamed to get married in a way that prioritizes his mom over the rest of his family so i wouldn't do it he can take his time but wedding stuff won't progress until he makes a decision meanwhile i'm getting bombed with calls and emails about wedding crap cruise control has gone to some kind of bridal expo and picked up some brochures she scanned and emailed a bunch of ducking brochures holy sh lady it can wait a few days this isn't an urgent matter just give them to me in person if it's so important to you she sent me a lot of stupid articles from places like cosmo about wedding trends she would write these long emails and copy and paste a ton of pictures into them they were insanely long i don't know how to describe how long they were except that i'd start reading and think wait a ducking second how long is this thing and spend the next few minutes scrolling to the bottom to find out i would say dh your mom sent an ml and i think she meant to send it to you you know just to torture him a little the mls were also organized like they were each a volume unto themselves she really believed that she was creating the ultimate resource for me one ml would be just about dresses one ml would be just about cakes the subject line would be something like guide to dresses current trends local and online retailers she would then go through what she believed to be the current trend in dresses and use 7 492 946 pictures and then write the pros and cons of different styles then list a bunch of stores the price range the pros and cons and contact info it was insane she must have made this her full-time job she was approaching it as if she was writing an academic paper on which baker is in our area were worth checking out i tried to tell her that it was unnecessary and that she should save her time and she would say that she enjoys it and views it as a fun hobby i had agreed with dh that she was his job to handle so i didn't say anything about how the wedding was pretty much off in her mind it was full speed ahead in hindsight i should have just told her she started coming over she brought fabrics watches catalogues photographs of venues that she had taken herself and then printed out one day i got home from work and the h was there looking miserable and cruise control had set up our kitchen table with a demo of what she thought our place settings tablecloths etc should be she had just gone out and bought a tablecloth and four sets of plates chargers cutlery and glasses she really thought this would wow us and we'd go ahead and buy the same set for the whole wedding so that hers wouldn't go to waste at this point i just started lying to her first she asked me if i was ready to go wedding dress shopping again angling for an invite as ducking if and i lied and said that i had chosen to wear my mother's wedding dress next she asked if i still needed a veil and i claimed that i was wearing my grandmother's veil she asked about shoes i said i had bought some things continued this way for a while i would lie in such a way that she couldn't call and try to snoop i would say my aunt is making cupcakes instead of a wedding cake that way she couldn't call a bakery meanwhile the wedding was effectively cancelled remember that cruise control has no friends she was the only person who believed it was still happening and no one was going to confirm or deny that to her i told dh that i didn't want to think about it because i didn't feel like we were on the same team i didn't want to plan a wedding that i wasn't excited about he had to make a decision about cruise control and i wouldn't make it for him d h was getting stressed out about this because his mom was still running around and trying to claim a wedding task for herself she was upset that she hadn't gotten to help pick any of the imaginary components of the wedding and she kept crying to him and saying stuff like don't tell regret fortuo but i'm very upset and wish she would include me he was afraid that she would try to book something and end up spending money on a wedding venue and once she did that we would have to tell her no and she'd erupt like a small volcano dh started having panic attacks i begged him to go to therapy and when i mentioned therapy he had another panic attack so i stopped mentioning it one day she came over with her own mother's old wedding dress and asked me to try it on to be sure she made a lot of comments about how my mom's dress must be a puffy sleeve date is disaster and this vintage gown of her mother's was gieimalus it was nice looking but there was a weird pink bow tacked onto the back right above the butt and the pink dye had seeped into the white fabric of the dress we removed it and it turned out the bow was covering a hole i said thanks but no thanks and ushered her out the door i later found out that it wasn't her mother's wedding dress at all i don't know where she got it i told dh this ends now i don't want her coming over and pushing wedding stuff on me anymore either you say something by the end of the weekend or i will i called my mom and cried to her about how much this sucked and she told me to come over i did and i spent the weekend at her house again a couple of my bridesmaids ended up joining me there they love my mom she was that mom that becomes everyone's second mom and we all formulated a plan over margaritas so two years ago cruise control was making me crazy with her wedding shenanigans i was angry all the time dh was having panic attacks and we had gotten nowhere i wasn't going to marry him under these conditions and he wasn't going to confront his mother under these conditions it was a mess i was close to dumping him i had started lying about wedding plans because as bad as cruz control was she would be 100 times worse if i told her the wedding was off and it was her fault for being a [ __ ] nightmare this lead to what dh and i now recall as the cocoon of lies i gave dh the weekend to figure out how to tell his mother off and i left to go to my parents we talked in earnest about whether dh was really worth marrying my bridesmaids who were old family friends came and joined and we had a sleepover like we were back in grade school it was really sweet and it made me feel a lot better one of my bridesmaids suggested that we lie like we already had been she said the only thing that keeps her from bothering you about things is saying that it's already been handled why not claim that you're already married lie and say you are lobed she'll freak and then she'll get over it my mom agreed you guys are not ready to get married right now but if you have a pretend elopement it will get her off of your back then you can plan a real wedding quietly or you can find out that you're not meant to be in part ways i really think that the h should just handle his mom but what he really needs is space and therapy if it will give him the space he needs lying to cruise control isn't a bad thing to do my parents and bridesmaids loved this idea and continued spitballing they said we could pretend the real wedding is just our honeymoon antelope for real or we could get married on our one-year anniversary or all i did not love this idea i thought it had a huge ability to backfire and i still wanted a real wedding with everyone there i also didn't want to start a marriage based on lies but it was pointed out to me that that ship had already sailed i went home and asked dh what he had done he had tried to have her over for dinner to talk and he told her that our relationship was in trouble and we needed some space when she asked why he didn't tell her i was not satisfied with this answer at all but it was clear that he just had no ability to confront her with her behavior he was shaking as he told me about how it went i told him about the plan we talked about over the weekend and he pondered it i told him that he needed to see a therapist badly he started crying and agreed i said that i'm willing to work with him and i just want him to get better we thought about it long and hard and we decided on the fake elopement i know i know it was dumb however dh was throwing up after phone calls with his mother because his anxiety was so bad having at least one panic attack a week and losing weight i had always known him as this happy guy with a smile on his face all the time if dh had a patronus it would be a golden retriever i wanted to shield him a bit see how therapy went and then reconsider marrying him for real over the next six months or so he stopped having panic attacks and throwing up he's officially been panic attack free for 14 months his spine needs shining but his anxiety over his mother doesn't [ __ ] him the way it used to the dark circles under his eyes are gone too so the real wedding photos look great i'll talk about the actual fake elopement and cruise controls epic tantrum followed by glorious glorious silent treatment later colon close bracket [Music] so [Music] you

Channel: Ask Girl

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Keywords: reddit mil, reddit mother in law, reddit wedding, reddit girl, reddit, reddit marriage, mother in law, crazy mother in law, r/ mil, r/ girl, r/ wedding, r/ pregnancy, r/, r/askreddit, askreddit, askreddit mil, mil, askreddit pregnant, askreddit girl

Id: 28DO99KfwQ4

Length: 19min 33sec (1173 seconds)

Published: Mon Aug 17 2020