Sister refuse to work and demands I support her

my sister 33 female used to be married i 29 female am single and have never been married a year ago my sister's ex-husband 38 male filed for divorce and left her the reason he divorced her was because she had wanted to quit her job and be a stay-at-home mom to my nephew who was three at the time they both worked full time and they had a housekeeper come once a week and a part-time nanny for their son my sister didn't want to do any household chores when she was staying home and still wanted to keep the housekeeper and nanny without her salary they couldn't afford it and she said her husband could work a second 20-hour a week job on top of the full-time job he already had she also wanted to spend exactly the same her husband wasn't on board with this and he didn't want her to just up and quit her job she quit one day anyways and told him after the fact he filed for divorce in the divorce my sister wanted alimony even though the law didn't really call for it in that situation since she was able to work and walked out on her job by her choice the court counted this against her she was not awarded alimony because of that and because she earned the exact same amount as her ex-husband the court also awarded them 50 50 shared legal and physical custody of my nephew the court's preferred method was one week on and one week off but they can do whatever they want as long as the time is split equally my sister has to have him on mother's day and her ex-husband on father's day and holiday and his birthday are alternated by year since the time is equally split and their income in earning was always the same i.e her ex-husband wasn't a lot richer than her neither of them has to pay child support to the other the court counted my sister's former job and the fact there was nothing stopping her from working and earning the same income that she was making they didn't own a home or property and they rented her ex-husband kept putting money in the bank account and paying the bills so his son would be okay and so his credit wouldn't be affected the lease was up on the last day of march and it isn't paid beyond that my sister has no job and can't afford the apartment so she has to move her ex-husband is no longer giving her money since the divorce became final my sister hasn't looked for a job she lost her appeal to the court's ruling for alimony and child support she wants to live with me and for me to financially support her our parents are in their mid-60s and recently sold their house paid off any debt they had and moved into an apartment for active seniors it is small but nice their siblings and both sets of our grandparents live in a similar kind of apartment building our cousin also lives in either apartments or condos and are married with more than one baby child they don't have any room for her our parents have enough left from their house sale and pensions to afford their rent bills for the rest of their lives but they are not super rich and can't afford to support my sister i am single i am working towards my phd and will have it in a few months i was living with two other phd students who just finished theirs one got engaged and moved in with her boyfriend the other got a job offer overseas i found a small bachelor apartment for myself my sister is mad that i didn't choose a bigger place so she could move in with me she also wants me to support her financially once i complete my phd and start working how do i get her and my family off my back i don't want to live with her she has a college degree and there is no reason she can't work beyond her being lazy i am not worried about my nephew because her ex-husband is the best and most devoted father ever and will step in if she isn't looking after him she said she will find a rich husband but her parenting and divorce settlement says neither of them can introduce any new boyfriend or girlfriend to my nephew or have an overnight visitor if my nephew is with them without permission from a judge how do i get my sister and family parents aunts uncles and cousins to stop asking me to live with her even temporarily my sister was never this much of an idiot before she quit her job she is fully able to work and i don't want to support her we're both early 30s married no kids we own a house together mortgage my husband worked for the same company for almost a decade he earned a good salary but the last few years were rough on him thanks to his overbearing boss he discussed quitting every so often and i was open to the idea as long as he had another job lined up well last year he quit spur of the moment over a seemingly minor dispute at work he would later call it the straw that broke the camel's back no other jobs lined up nothing he assured me he had savings he could live on and that he wanted to take some time to recalibrate he also had a few business ideas he wanted to pursue before getting back into the workforce trying to be a good supportive partner i said okay fast forward to today he has no income and literally hasn't sent out a single job application he hasn't even updated his resume what has he been doing for the past eight months you ask smoking w a bunch of scammy work from home nonsense that hasn't made him a dime and most recently trying to become an instagram influencer yes seriously to be fair he has also done some handy work around the house and fixed up some things but for the most part he spends his days smoking w and around on instagram and i'm effectively subsidizing it we used to split bills 50 50. now it's more like 80 20. the last time i tried to have a serious talk about his future plans he jokingly said i could divorce him and pay him alimony if i didn't like the current situation then he broke down and wept saying that he might be depressed i felt horrible for him and offered him my full support but in retrospect i'm curious if it was just a convenient excuse to pivot the conversation and get me off his back what would you do in my shoes i have grown resentful of him and this whole situation on the day i made my last post my husband and i had a talk that night when i got home from work i basically said he needed to make a doctor's appointment for his mental health or cut the m use or both he repeatedly refused and actually got a bit hostile about it which is not like him at all then i moved into finances i asked him how much of his savings he had left and all he said was enough i pressed him for a dollar figure and he wouldn't answer i asked if he had a balance on his credit card and he said no when i asked to see his bank statement to confirm he basically told me to duck off again hostile and out of character for him i told him that the current arrangement wasn't working and that he'd have to start paying fifty percent of the bills on march first at this point in the conversation he completely shut down he wouldn't even look at me he just kept looking away from me with tears in his eyes as i talked i doubt he even heard a word i said but i clearly stated all the other issues i had the instagram stuff our plans for the future etc after this conversation he stopped sleeping in our bed for almost a week now he slept in the basement he basically doesn't leave the basement when i'm home unless it's to get food honestly it's pathetic i'm going out with some colleagues this weekend for a fun night and my husband can stay home like a hermit i also have a coffee date planned for sunday with my best friend i am going to tell her everything and get her opinion because honestly this isn't the life i want to live and trying to correct it only made things worse i am beginning to think of divorce as a real option which would have seemed outrageous even three weeks ago my husband continues to sleep in the basement i asked him a few times to start sleeping in our bed again he'd say maybe but never actually do it we have stopped having s entirely but i have heard him watch pee in the basement on the morning of march first we had a horrible argument when i asked for his half of the monthly bills he he transferred me about two-thirds of what he should have and when i asked for the rest he exploded he just kept saying duck off louder and louder over and over as i tried to say that he needed to contribute his fair share then he started talking about his depression again literally the only time he will bring up his depression is when i'm criticizing his crappy life choices he hasn't even seen a doctor or been diagnosed yet he uses it like a get out of jail free card to be totally unproductive and not pay bills so i told him point blank either see a doctor for your depression and start fixing your life or this marriage is over it sounded so harsh but those are honestly the only two options at this point he made some quip about me paying him alimony if i divorced him not the first time he said this and that was the last we spoke of it we have briefly seen and talked to each other since then but there's no warmth there anymore it's like we're roommates last week he told me he booked a doctor's appointment and i was happy for him but as far as i can tell he never ended up going even after i offered to take the day off and drive him to the appointment i don't think he's left the house in over two months i have stopped cooking him meals so he now subsists on instant noodles he bought off amazon i met with a divorce lawyer for the first time earlier this week he was excellent and gave me a comprehensive rundown of all my options when i told him about my husband's alimony comments he laughed and said not a chance he voluntarily quit his job against my wishes he has no official diagnosis from a doctor that would preclude him from working i don't know where he got it in his head that he'd be entitled to alimony for me i am holding on to a shred of hope that my husband will put forth some kind of effort to get better and repair our relationship i pray every night that he'll do a complete 180 and start being his normal self again but if nothing changes i plan to meet with my lawyer again sometime in early april and officially file for divorce i finally got him to see a doctor i wasn't in the room for the diagnosis but the doctor suggested my husband look into cognitive behavioral therapy and ssris of course my husband was opposed to both he could read about cbt online and i've known for a while that he's outright hostile to the idea of taking antidepressants he describes them as brain warping we had a week or so in april where things almost felt normal we talked more ate dinner together slept in the same bed together even had a date slash movie night i felt so hopeful things truly seemed to be getting better it didn't last though we had a fight about something completely innocuous and things quickly fell apart again one day after work i sat in my car and was completely overcome with dread the thought of going home to my broken relationship it was too much i drove around aimlessly for hours wondering how in god's name my life had turned out like this half the time i was sobbing i must have looked crazy this was my breaking point i was done with the relationship and the marriage for good when i told him my decision he wept openly as did i he said he was sorry but that he understood he didn't ask me to reconsider or make any effort to save the relationship which tells me it was the right decision for both of us he moved into his parents basement a few weeks ago i am still in a rough place emotionally i pray that time will heal me and that i'll be able to find love again my wife really never had an urge to have children i did she knew it was important to me to have children of my own and i think because of that she agreed to have kids it's not that she was outrightly opposed to it in her words i could do with or without so naturally a couple of years after marriage we had children now ever since our daughter was born my wife has had a very hands-off approach to raising and caring for the kids almost everything from changing their diaper to feeding them to playing with them to teaching them about right from wrong to cleaning after them have either been done by me or our nanny when i'm away due to work i work as a freelance health and safety inspector for commercial buildings and nursing homes stuff like that just to make sure they comply with legislation and laws and advise how they can better change because of this i have a lot of time at home compiling reports so i have a lot of time with the children my wife is a writer and also works from home and writes almost every day despite this she barely lifts a finger to care for the children or even interact with them i remember so many instances where she has outrightly avoided contact with the children one such instance was when daughter was about three or four and she walked up to wife and handed her a toy and smiled at her wife looked down at the toy didn't make eye contact with daughter got up and walked away she doesn't even ask if the kids are okay or fed or in bed or anything when the nanny is round and she is looking for direction or advice she always phones me because wife tells her that she's busy so this went on for years which i don't mind much because i love the kids and i love taking care of them but then when daughter reached the age of five i remember the discussion which pretty much changed everything between us daughter was eating at the table and we were talking about some stuff school stuff i think she starts telling me about how her friend's mom is really funny and she always jokes around with them when she picks them up then she asks wife why do you never pick me up from school wife said that she was busy and daughter says all the time then wife said yes got up and left the room after taking care of the kids and putting them to bed i cracked open a bottle of wine and talked to my wife i told her all of the above and told her i was fine if she didn't want to take care of the children but she had to at least show her love then she said that she never really felt like she loved them in the first place this was a blow for me we talked more about this and she basically said that she never really felt connected to them and that they were more of just lodgers here than anything else this was all surprisingly calm of her you must understand that my wife isn't an unemotional person nor is she a bee she's a very funny interesting person who has shown a lot of care and love for me and her family so i said we should go to counseling which she agreed to we went as a couple this went on for months and the counselor was really really good we learned a lot about each other the one thing which really struck me though was my wife's realization that she dislikes the children she didn't say that she couldn't bear to be around them but she said she didn't feel any affection for them it seems this won't change so what do i do she still brings in money is still loving to me doesn't harm the kids unless you count a large degree of apathy as harm should i just move forward knowing that she doesn't like the children i still love everyone maybe that's enough hmm edit oh i forgot to mention about the kids and their well-being since we started going to counseling i have also made sure to pay special attention to how the kids are doing due to the disconnect with their mother it's a bit sad but it seems they understand that maybe mom is just that type of person i remember telling them that it's sad but not everyone in the world is going to be their friend but i'll be their best friend if they'll have me and my daughter liked that my son however didn't understand and just said he would give mom ice cream to make her a friend cute to start off i know my parents love me and are proud of me growing up though they always gave more to my sister because she is not as capable or as smart as i am i know that sounds mean but it's objectively true whether that was money replacing toys or electronics she lost broke my parents would provide more to her because she wasn't responsible even when i was in high school they would make me pay for my own school trips because they said they couldn't afford it but would pay for anything my sister wanted to do last week i found out they replaced her macbook for the fourth time she got drunk and spilled beer on it this led me to a line of questioning to my parents since they made me buy my own computer in college and didn't contribute it finally came to a head when i asked if they paid more for her college than they did mine and it became clear that they did i went to a top college in the u.s with a less than 10 percent acceptance rate my entire life i have been passionate about working in politics so i went to the best school in the us for it i had no legacy have struggled with mental health my whole life and cried tears of joy when i finally got it since i truly earned my spot there but because of how expensive the college was i had to take out a significant amount of loans work many jobs in college to support myself and ultimately got a job in an unrelated field to pay off my debt my parents said they would only contribute x amount of money for my college because that was all they could afford and that my sister and i would get the same amount for school we qualified for some financial aid but it wasn't enough for me to avoid taking out loans my sister went to a bottom tier school to put it in perspective it has an 85 percent acceptance rate has repeatedly said she doesn't care about college only wants an easy life and her dream is to find someone rich to marry i'm realizing that i essentially subsidized her education and have to sacrifice my passion in life in order for that to happen my parents have stopped responding to me when i asked about it even though my college was more expensive than hers they paid more for hers not to mention financially supporting her every summer whereas i got jobs in finance where i worked 80 hours per week to put that money toward my education despite how little she cares about school i understand that because she doesn't care much about her life and isn't as capable as i am my parents have had to financially support her more what i cannot come to terms with is how much they lied to me about it and how they have stopped communicating with me what can i do to move forward i feel a lot of resentment for them because they know how hard i've worked and what i have had to sacrifice to be where i am in life but were unwilling to help me whereas they helped my sister i feel like i gave up on my dreams to pursue a more financially realistic career and my heart is broken

Channel: Ask Girl

Views: 23,188

Rating: 4.9145041 out of 5

Keywords: reddit girl, reddit sister, reddit parents, r/askreddit, reddit, r/entitledparents, r/girl, r/sister, askreddit, askreddit girl, askreddit sister, r/relationship, best of reddit, top videos of reddit

Id: uJ-gCeNrJRM

Length: 19min 6sec (1146 seconds)

Published: Wed Mar 24 2021