Live at the Apollo. Hal Cruttenden, Justin Moorhouse, Tom Stade. 45 Minute Versions. Sep 2017

[Music] ladies and gentlemen please welcome your host for tonight he'll pretender [Applause] [Music] Wow ladies and gentlemen welcome to live at the Apollo lovely to be here lovely lovely to put lobbies be in West London can I say that lovely spirit we are West London people's we have any here I am myself West London yes I I grew up in Ealing down the road it's probably more than that but they think it's vulgar to shout out it is wonderful wonderful healing isn't it it is wonderful it is queen of the suburbs it's called also coincidentally my nickname at school but it's quite funny it is quite poor shilling isn't it what you say it's quite posh it is quite posh IM quite posh I now live in Enfield ya see quite rough no it's awkward it's awkward I'm I'm quite posh my kids are quite rough show my daughter the correct knife to use in a restaurant the other day and she just said a blades are blade that's wrong as I was I was a weird kid myself I was scared I was scared of everything as a kid I was scared of Santa my parents are tell me about Santa I'd be going right sorry let me get this straight parents you're gonna let an old stranger into my room in the middle of the night because he wants to give me a present are you as good I'm scared for tooth fairy you know your tooth falls out leave it under the pillow Tooth Fairy comes along takes it away leaves you some cash I would be freaking wanna sell my body parts coming next the kidney pixie Goblin I'm mid forties now a mid forties I have no pension plan in place I have no pension sorted at all having said that I'm in show business I may well spend my seventies in jail [Music] I am joking obviously dudes of us loads of us are getting away with it now [Music] talking about celebrities and showbiz we have loads of celebrities we have Jon Culshaw in the audience I've never met you John but people say that when I'm performing on telly or something people have told me that I'm I'm like you doing Tony Blair I mean doing an imitation of doing Tony Blair treat me like Iraq shut up lied to us ah well Dick and Dom we have Dick and Dom you virtually raised my children do you know that my youngest daughter's first word was bogeys apparently no but you're probably honestly bloody well done you know you honestly you did because I was terrible dad so I needed people at you I think I've been a bad dad I'm too honest with my kids my kids say to me stuff like um daddy what will I be when I grow up and I say disappointed I used to say them stuff like you know don't talk to strangers okay it don't be too frightened because remember statistically as an adult living under the same roof I'm about 10 times more likely to kill you but honestly you are that you know I love you guys know where you can't get coke there's always Pepsi when you can't get Ant & Dec is I we've also we've also got Rebecca Adlington where are you you've got marriage two months ago to another swimmer another so there's two of you two really competitive people in a marriage that's really really good luck with that do you have to hide your medals and stuff because he's not as high-profile if you have a horrible route do you subtly put on the gold and go who's right no good luck in marriage it's very hot I've been married 14 years 14 long hard years no it's great it's great it's great but people say stupid things you'll be married a long time Oh 14 years you get less for murder you don't object compare marriage to prison there's far more sex in prison isn't there my wife my wife is not in my work mat and my wife is Northern Irish she is northern oh [ __ ] we're fine when we went to see the titanic exhibition in belfast recently as is anybody from northern ireland here you're proud of the titanic on you yeah only Northern Irish people could be proud of a ship that sank on its first voyage they actually have a say in north I never say go it was fine when it left here I'm not sure it was I'm not sure every Titanic film I've ever seen I have never heard a Northern Irish accent you must have been offered free tickets for building the ship you must have been no it's fine you go ahead it's fine it's great nor don't worry no enjoy the craic there's a crack I'm saying nothing horrible obviously SciTech was all about this level rule you know on on ships it's still women and children first to the lifeboats on ships and I always think well children of course they go first of course we look after the children but but women how is that fair imagine you're on a sinking ship and you see a lifeboat and you see Rebecca Adlington in a lifeboat see a girl get her out it's not fair even when women die your deaths are seen as more tragic than men's still on the news they got women and children were among the dead children of course that's always horrible when they die women that hole it's still still is true women's deaths are seen as more tragic than men's I think it's cuz women women are assumed to be more vulnerable than men and less likely to be involved in violence so somehow more innocent when they die but I think there are loads of men equally as vulnerable as women equally as unlikely to be involved in violence we should be included in the women and children group we can be called Jessi's as a shorthand believe there were Jessie's among the dead bodies here some are very heavily moisturized actually I found a copy of Hello magazine here amongst the rubble when I was a teenager I wanted to be a war reporter I think well first I wanted to be a leading man in Hollywood but this is the wrong voice for a leading man isn't it out of ruined movies good night my name is Maximus Decimus Meridius - a murdered son and I will have my vengeance it just ruin movies do you feel lucky punk the whole new meaning isn't there say hello to my little friend so yes but I really I type that dream was over I'd couldn't be I couldn't be couldn't be a leading man but I wanted I wants to be a war reporter when I was a teenager that was my dream to be used to walk around talking like this leaving pauses in very strange places do you want changed my mind the first Gulf War 1991 that was the first time war reporters got really butch I was always wearing flak jackets helmets always in the desert looking really tough stand there go yeah just a few moments ago a shell exploded just 20 feet away from me did I flinch don't be stupid I've got bollocks of Steel to the pink pansy in the country studio this is Kate ad for the BBC I must I must not ID ID I don't know I probably wouldn't have been good enough up on the politics to be a war reporter I'm not I'm not I want to be a more political comic folks but I can't quite be bothered to do the reading most of us sort of angry but not sure why when it comes to poses strong opinions based on very little information typical Tories making the poor pay the mistakes of the rich explain more in detail with statistics piss off my wife's worse than me my what you remember Abu Hamza one eye to hooks for hands like this scary this wasn't quite as camp as this few months ago it's on Lisle radio in the kitchen Abu Hamed has been sentenced to life imprisonment my wife went good job and I went why what's he done what do you know about it she said he looks like a pirate we all generally work we self hate our politicians don't we we hate politicians love our Royals I think we love the Royals because they're they're so good at pretending to be impressed by stuff and fascinated Prince Charles you can put many ways put Prince Charles in a factory oh it's amazing you make sausages that's extraordinary he'd be amazed at McDonald's wouldn't he Prince Charles it's amazing so if someone says Big Mac meal and you have to get the burger and the fries amazing your skin condition is fascinating the only one who really says what he's thinking is Prince Phillip that's why they're always having to pretend he's ill for the big event jameelah Queen's Diamond Jubilee and Prince Philip was ill he was not ill someone loves the lineup and thought Prince Philip cannot meet Stevie Wonder that meeting cannot happen [Music] we love our Royals we hate our politicians we hate our politicians like this does the rules to the show us how normal they are every speech they're always mentioning all the normal people lave met on Mavis looks like I miss a man the other day I met a pensioner I asked if he was worried about crime if she felt safe in his house he said to me who are you I'm calling the police get out of my bedroom I met a woman in Birmingham I asked her if she was working she said it was 34 or all 54 full sex they tell us how they met him they tell us how they tell us what we deserve that was telling us what the British people deserve the British people deserve a first-class National Health Service I always hear that and just think why I know loads of British people who are total bastards and deserve nothing of the sort the correct statement should be nice British people deserve a first-class National Health Service bastards deserve a crap one obviously that implements in my local hospital I want doctors walking around E&E with clipboards going what we got here 75 year-old man suspected horse tack happily married does a lot for charity pillar of the community get him in the cubicle I'll be there in a sec what we've got here 53 year-old man suspected brain hemorrhage oh wow personalized number plates works in banking no no supports man you know leave them in the corridor to die but do we have any Man United fans here by the way oh don't don't I'm not seriously having a go at you I'm not gonna go man I've I've got a problem with all football at the moment all I don't like footballers they're not very nice people are they you want you walk out they walk out before a game they all capped with a small child donate little mascot so that they're a nice guy we'll walk out with a little kid or lunch a suarez calls it I think those are all their children from extramarital affairs that's what I think anytime they see them they go so how school is school going well they're bastards these guys I want nice guys in my football team I want nice sensitive blokes not oversensitive that would be rubbish for football wouldn't if it's a big game how do you feel some injuries thirties nice TVs got a headache a camp team could be devastating football's one of the most homophobic sports on the planet the opposition would crap themselves if your team skipped Camp Lee out onto the field and we send them show tunes from the stands going luck be a lady tonight supercalifragilisticexpialidocious the football fans are never like that they're never that kind someone told me they said you can't talk about football you are middle class and football is a working-class game it's a working man's game and I said to him have you been to a premiership match recently they have priced working men out of football working-class people out football I believe I wanna see you go to any game and you can see basically the grounds are packed full of middle class men pretending to be working class you wanker I'm sorry about the language Giles the fellows in school he went to but men in football men still have a unique lack of perspective in football I heard a Manchester United fan talking about the retirement of Alex Ferguson on Radio 5 Live last year and he understood that he said when I heard Fergie was going it was like a death in the family for me and this radio presenter went llamo I understand not you emotionally [ __ ] would it be lovely just see the media get real with football fans end of the season Gary Lineker comes on match the day and says well if your team's been relegated and you're sitting at home crying maybe it's time you redirected your energy to something that matters your wife and kids good night and grow up I have a theory I have a theory why men behave so badly around football with such lack of perspective I think it's because men use football to express emotions they can't express in other parts of their life they are so repressed they can't show their anger and their pain at the right time they hold it all in they pour it all into football so when they're chanting vile stuff at the ref at the players at the other fans what they really want to be chanting about is what's in here well they really want to be chanting stuff like I can't express my feelings my feelings of clinical depression I'm trying feel like trying feel like crying all the time ooh I'm bipolar that's what I think [Applause] don't be evening this guy is absolutely fantastic he's a very good friend of mine please give him a very warm Apolo welcome ladies and gentlemen it's Justin Morehouse [Applause] [Music] sorry alright not from rounded you guided people in from the north of England it shits in it that's where you live here now we don't want your back shop I like coming to London but favorite thing about London he's coming on a Friday about five o'clock and watching Northern families arrive on mass on the tube just walk long was this or bozo mob what's its are busy should all panned stand on both side of the escalator let's have a laugh let's go these people lose their well the show - not me that they're very angry why they've been at work all week what's work it's nice to be a that's what comedians always say how said it loads it's nice to be if you don't mean to hit the rear for the money I mean it though I mean it's nice to be I've got kids it's amazing to be 200 miles away from the little shits don't get me wrong some of you staring at me now judging me you probably haven't got kids if you've got kids you know what I mean we love them because that shit's natural don't like them joyless mood Hoover's large robbers ambition stealers time takers non-productive little shits we allow to live in our houses nothing comes back if we were a limited company and not a family at a written him off years ago got to got a 17 year old hmm one of them that you see when you drive around going I'm glad he's not mine he's mine this thing that lives in my house essentially gone in a hood that's all he is breathing his way unto us how can you be change your schedule is thus arise 11 other won't play fifa that's all he does an avenue gone I'm just saying these robbed me of my ambition I've got win it's like living with an asthmatic Sith Lord obi-wan can't be asked it's fine no it's nice to be here I spend a lot of time to travel you do when you're a comedian and you've got kids it's lovely to get away do you have any Australians in Y what point does anybody wake up in Australia stretch look across Bondi Beach and go Hammersmith that's where I want to be you can forget your Toro Beach I want a flyover spend some time in Australia if you've been you know it's a nice place if you like you know misogyny racism and blind optimism it's that kind of time my favorite thing when I was in Australia this is brilliant this will blow your mind does anybody here know what the collective noun in Australia is four sheets pillowcases bed didn't anyone know what they call it Manchester that's right Manchester I didn't know I'm from Manchester didn't know basically what happened was about 150 years ago we in Manchester invented cotton sent around the world it's easier than explaining slavery that bit we send around the world arriving in Australia in Sydney in a big box with Manchester on and the Australians we go whilst they're like oh it's Manchester they have Manchester shops I'm thinking what goes on in there some glove like bears going drunks from vim told I know they sell sheets and pillowcases embeddedness amazing they have Manchester departments in their departments to us that's how I discovered it I was just browsing on Monday and overheard an announcement on the ton I that went would somebody from Manchester please report to customer services oh my gosh how fortuitous I am literally on the other side of the world and then I thought naturally I wonder what they want maybe I'm gonna go over and they're gonna say settle an argument what's the best junction of the 56 for the airport so just considering this and a further more urgent announcement came on the tunnel would somebody from Manchester please report to customer server I went running over I'm friendly I want to help cuz that's how people in show business arrived tada and the one winner [Music] it was an awkward moment where she looked at me like I was a Rondon and eventually she says M how can I help you I went now how can I help you she says what do you mean and as it out from that gesture she said no you know and I said well technically stockport but let's not split hairs No that story's a real-life anecdote so it doesn't have a punchline so yeah look at me watching move on to the next bit that's alright we said that nearly half turn isn't it it's fine saying that cuz it's always nearly after your kids you gotta take them out you gotta spend money on them I ended up last after November having the worst day of my life it was a Sunday we spent eight hours in the drizzle that's an owl sanctuary let those words enter your soul and consider them for a moment an owl sanctuary I am spending my leisure time and my money look in Al's that want to be left alone sanctuary they're going leave us alone we're very shy we have anxiety issues you can't go the Priory give mats and a go shows us market they won't let you we're looking hours that don't want us to be there at lunchtime owls are nocturnal we've woke the little shits all [Applause] [Music] thirty-eight pounds 38 pounds to look at Al's that didn't want us to be there the woman said would you like to register forgive did I said I'd like to register for Dignitas because if this is as good as my life's gain it's over gets worse the man who runs the site Li there's announcement on the tunnel ladies and gentlemen the bird of prey demonstration will take place in approximately five minutes in the arena the arena where this arena oh it'll be this whole street of car tires plastic chairs and broken dreams where all the disparate families are congregated drinking [ __ ] coffee and polystyrene cups ironically mellow birds the bird of prey demonstration is about to begin and the man comes out he's one of these experts can't wait to tell us he comes out he says a legend gentleman before us done so he may have come in with preconceived ideas about these magnificent beasts despite what you may have been sold been led to believe already in a book owls are not wise what do you do my weekend room for tell me something I could not give a [ __ ] about you may have got a jar with it being it and gone busy I don't think so how about on the clock in mr. bumbles diary he's got nothing until June he's in fact German he then starts the bear to play demonstration by put his hand through the curtain and bringing out the biggest owl you have ever seen in your life huge and eagle owl 3 an apple a feather a muscle I thought you should have started with the tawny or a bond there mate you've gone at the top there's nowhere after that there's only the realms of Mythology this huge it's weird he then gets a young boy out of the audience gorgeous little kid dead cute for our five you know the kid I'm talking about you would not let him play out he stands him next to the Eagle Allen - really all good moment as though the owl looks at the boy and the boy looks at the owl and they both looked at each other and then suddenly I know where the little boy leans in I kiss the boo-boo ah that's not the right response the right response the same as men have as they drive through the countryside and you go over a humpback bridge the balls go up and you go oh alright and the owl looks at the audience I would say what did that bellend think he was doing it kissed the boy back again things with beaks and talons don't chase the owl sanction then said something I'll never forget he just went all it's never done that before risk assessment and we all know what that means that's a very awkward Monday morning disciplinary isn't it the owl perched on the desk crestfallen and shamefaced [Music] a little Robin walk you down going ambe's representative also everything out he'll be alright and we all know that probably and likely the owl would be dead by Tuesday I know horrific and I can't help thinking about that how do you kill an owl a pigeon simple dawn an owl you're gonna be there sometime aren't you five minutes just pepper to point out his ass what you think if I let go of this is gonna take me armor time the Owls going who's clever now [ __ ] can't you've been amazing take a good night in Mulhouse Gulman ladies the down but are you ready for your next act he's absolutely fantastic he's the man I want to be lazy gentleman give a big round of applause for mr. Tom stage [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] well good evening apollo pleasure to be here again see I know who I am ladies and gentlemen I understand who I am because I have kids how many people have kids here tonight when you have a kid that's when you know what kind of a man you are because every time every time you you have your first child there as a dad you always make that promise to him you know I remember the day I made my promise to my son there there were these two rooms there's this one room where they got all the boxes where they put all the kitties in there put him in the Kitty box and and there's this other room where my wife was sleeping coz is the most work she'd ever done in her whole life and I mean that in a good way I mean you can't have a pound 6 ounces coming out of your happy hole I mean if anything a quarter of a pound came out of my deck I'd put a Do Not Disturb sign on my face I'll check out my deck baby later she's in the other room and I'm in the room I get to see my child for the first time and I'm in the room and I put my finger in the kiddy box and I know how bad that sounds that many times and I put my finger in there and and he grabbed it he grabbed it with his little kungfu grip there you know you ever seen their tiny little hands or like real tiny tongue and I made my promise to him I remember I remember sitting there going son I can't believe the universe made me your guide in this world and I will promise you this I will never change for you in fact if you become too much of a burden I will leave your mother it was beautiful cuz he tightened his little kungfu grip on my finger at that moment it was like he was saying you do it dad don't let me slow you down and I said I won't I will leave you behind at every opportunity and I started crying my eyes out I've never had such a beautiful moment and the massive nurse was working there she saw this beautiful moment and she came over I heard her cuz he hear those kind of footsteps I wasn't sure what was attacking me and she came over and she put her massive hands on my shoulders and they were massive because her fingers could touch my nipples and that's helped me take a notice of when you get a shoulder massage and a nipple rub at the same time and I'll never forget what she said to me she said sir you're too drunk to be in here this isn't even your child it's a Japanese baby girl and I wasn't gonna take that we wrestle for a little bit and then I drove home and found out my wife wasn't even pregnant [Music] you had a guy see I've reached age now of 44 and I'm loving it tonight I'm really loving it because I can see a whole mixture of people in here tonight let do me one favor okay I'm gonna ask you something give me a cheer how many how many old people do we have but plaus old people love old people now watch this how many 20-somethings do we have bye applause love 20 year old to the point it's creepy when you're 20 it's awesome when you're 20 you only have a few responsibilities to society okay one you have to get hammered every goddamn given day because your body can't take it you pound back as much alcohol as you can put as much irresponsibility in each glass you pound that back and you go on a vacation that night you'll never remember because there will be a day you will be inflicted with this horrible disease called responsibility and it just hits you you don't know when it's gonna strike you'll be sitting there dancing all right all right oh my god I gotta go mow the lawn number two probably be most important you have to try and stop old people from fornicating with you because we're out there because old people do not like fornicating with other old people it's disgusting oh it's trying to get inside me oh and we are out there you'll find us lurking behind trees with sticks with food on them oh this one likes fried chickens like she doesn't have a mortgage I don't drink in the same place as I did 10 20 years ago anymore I find where I drink now usually has a food menu on a chalkboard 595 to poor smell and they close down at old man hours around 11:00 11:30 dankey kahng go home old people but here's the problem is I'm finding as I go along in life my mind and my body connection it ain't so balanced anymore hmm my mind doesn't know I'm 44 my mind thinks it's 1988 right now but one night in my food drinking establishment I decided to have 13 double vodka Diet Coke after-dinner drinks and my body just left me just just ducked off didn't even know what left there are dealers talk I'm gonna leaving this chair and my mind saw that no one was driving the Talmadge's and it stepped into that driver's seat it was like hey Tom why don't you get down that nightclub and you show them how to dance and I'm not that's a good idea mind and I got to the front of that line and I realized what a horrible mistake I had made because that doorman clocked me from a mile away and I'll never forget what he said he said uh-oh someone's in trouble their dad is here and I was in that nightclub for about one hour before my body realized what my mind had done and said we gotta get out of here now I'll tell you when that was was when I had seven Apple shots in a test tube because apparently when you drink now you want to feel like a scientist seven Apple shots yeah I didn't know they taste that I come from a place where shots tasted bad do you want to know why they tasted bad so you would not have seven of them in a row nobody took a shot of tequila and said this is delicious like six more up and do you want to know what happens when you put inside this body seven Apple shots and you mix that up with 13 double vodka diet cokes with some breaded fish in a nice tight Alex likes to turn that into deadly corrosive asset and she looks straight into the middle of my heart to try and murder me and would you like to know what young gorgeous people in a nightclub do not carry on them Rani's [Applause] hey lazy gentlemen for watching live at the Apollo you have seen Justin Morehouse [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] you

Channel: Ovid

Views: 439,484

Rating: 4.5345168 out of 5

Keywords: Live at the Apollo, Hal Cruttenden, Justin Moorhouse, Tom Stade

Id: txSsABAVsow

Length: 44min 23sec (2663 seconds)

Published: Thu Jul 19 2018