Jack Dee - Live At The Apollo (2002)

nice try hey it's good to be here thanks you you okay there yeah you're right can we have a life for them can we get the light down on just to help them see cuz no okay forget it in you what's the problem why were you layered you ever you rented the wrong Apollo which one Oxford Manchester sake imagine if I'd done that oh god I have to go slow - now bloody hell but good morning yes whatever whatever I agree yes yes click the begin and see you yep Wow come on let's have something in English me so any our biggest places is you know massive isn't it I searched last night so shows right out the back at the top there yeah well yeah you can't see okay anyway so it is it's good to be here it is off Hammersmith well done for making your way no how much Smith yeah yeah I always Park in the same place when I'm coming to Hammersmith Berkshire face its get out away now shall we who lives in Hammersmith you poor bastards looking about yeah I always do kind of the hammersmith elbow when I come into town here when you come off the motorway that I just get again Hammersmith yeah good but anyway here we are so it is this nice to be here what do you think of this I had that made for the show that's good isn't it yeah it's got a go by this thing it's a little metal disc you have and you cut the name out and you shine a light through it right cost quite a lot of money quite a lot of money because I want it to look great this crap isn't it it is crap this guy that anyone ever heard of Jacobi you know he has seven letters to do that bastard hit people look the ace from the a-team and that is that little bit I'm gonna need some pads down here right and on the stage one there for you and then oh sorry so you could you pick it up for me sorry I I used to be a baggage handler I just know on the stage don't keep it is that the stage is that chair in front of you the stage is it you've been watching something going on on there look at that okay now you did get to the wrong Apollo didn't you um one over here is well they're gonna just take it just net just down there that's fine so you can leave me little notes you can leave me whatever you like it can be a question if you want it can be a comment whatever you can depends and it'll note about the patterns first of all seriously I last night I'm sorry to report that one of the Pens wasn't returned okay so what I'm going to do tonight is keep the lids you're gonna behave like children I have to treat you like children where else is it on our somewhere Deptford no I haven't got any spare change no it is so we have just been on tour all around I've been up north of a who's from up north around here who do we are from because it's got a name whereabouts webmasters where I'll stop mumbling will you anyway Glasgow is it gloucester lovely old scotland it was nice to be here I stayed Ally McCoist actually yeah we were both in the spare room still well done with the curling well done with a curling chemical guys what a great sport that is allowed to have drugs doing that to make it more interesting no Oh God so proud then in the athlete's life isn't it congratulations you're going in Olympics here's your broom as a skill come in handy later in life on it yeah I was a little bit bored with the mental image to be honest I won't use it kind of just sliding in all its different varieties isn't that just your curling which is a very stupid form of ironing basically but it is it's just oh yes there's someone else going like off a shovel on the ice what do you know yes it the Blues the luge is good an answer it's like the it's the only sport you still do when you're dead just wrap it once it's done and it's got gold that's what it would have wanted and it was a where's the Welsh people away from one else Wales yeah up there yeah well it's lovely the funny thing about Wales you know they they're very proud of the fact that you have to pay to get in the Wales over the Seven bridge there's a Tolbert have to pay to get in and then they keep reminding you that on the way out it's free when you go back over in there and when you're there they never stop going on about you she wouldn't come into words you see that's a play doh hmm des pitting in the Wales be free to get into England and see yeah that that's but that's because all the cars are going so bloody fast on the way out there isn't a gate in the world that could stop him if you look in the hedgerows in the lanes coming out of Wales a full of my pound notes people just please an island who the I cuz I'll just come back from Dublin as well I had a great time there Dublin or anyone from Ireland here tonight obviously I do I genuine I love to be an ion it's the best place to be it is it's one of the best places to gig and the cause on the cause beautiful don't you think aren't they the most beautiful people in the world the court Jim Court Jim I wouldn't you know they're beautiful they're talented they Jim gets a hard time he's everywhere he goes there was this one you're right you're right within vote no no my sisters I got you know like families out there all have a skeleton in the closet I can't help thinking that I bet they've got some some brother somewhere that they have to hide away because he's just it's just too ugly to be in the band Pat's back or big Cornish sausage size fingers did they play in their back no you may not putt you stayed in ran right there bringing some crisps afterward anyway Here I am Here I am a so I got a little bit delayed everyone a little bit late here I was late I was late as well so we're all were okay I got stuck buying this car coming coming up through how much smooth this this is car going lies a smart car first of all the smart guys a great idea isn't it this is a is a car there's a surprising amount of space do you think none but you could borrow a smart car outside an arcade you come back to be full of 50 P bits there'll be long line of kids say all the money back is a rubbish ride as far as a pink plate on the back right I get a green pea plate and I didn't know this was parent leases this means you've passed your tests passed your driving test but you stand that shelf any good at driving on no I'm sorry that's how you feel about your driving just don't drive right but if you're not scared anymore right or better still tell the examiner when he passes you as you made a mistake I'm an shipped rifle I did that okay but I know the route quite well so please I would have done I took my test four times I you know I'm I'm a bad driver I admit it in the end I wanted to take it pissed just to see if he'd notice the difference just get in the car look at me all right what do you want to know drive no I'd do that don't do the old drink-drive thing I did it a Christmas I tell you what happened to me at Christmas I Christmas Day had the family of for lunch I had a good lunch had to admit drank rather a lot and my brother-in-law left the lights on in his car after lunch course car won't start so and I come to rushes look man I got jumped needs I'll help you out was my problem my car was parked about eight feet from his there's no car in between the jump needs won't reach so I said now I'll move I'm in my car for a bit number and smash I moved for the police never come down our road is safe it is you know it's like Christmas days absolutely quiet anyway I get in a car should I get the car come on Paul let's put patrol car up alongside me as copper just looks at me look I think I like keys in my hand I got it looks at me just goes and drives off which is when I realize that she was sitting in the back of the car they're like while I'm on the subject of cars can I put in a plea for my new campaign I wanna I want to standardize all car doors right on every model so the the handle on the inside of a car is in the same place because it's causes problems when you give someone a lift in your car no no no you could give someone lifts out of the goodness your heart take them all the way home it's taken long you think you park outside their house what it do they around for 20 minutes get where is it it's there can you just see I can't see it where is it it's 2 inches from the end of my finger then that's where the handbrake is in every car just violence so we could avoid so easily if we just have standardized car doors but the post office no no door at all just going 120 miles an hour no one Falls now it's fine that's my other campaign my other campaigns the post office right now I want the answers to various questions been puzzling me every post offer you go into it's Universal thing it the the ghaib an account is sitting on a stool right and the stool has got all of foam and upholestry hanging off its being gaffer taped up and mended God knows he's just going all day long what how does it get worn out like this what is it is there a formula or asking for is there a form that just just triggers him you know flips him out kind of a P 46 or do I want to know I want to know the answers I've written in I one of the little rubber band ran me into the bar what's a lot about is that a status thing is it three years service you get a rubber band congratulations little wet pad who fills the wet pad I want to know whose job down is right oh why just curious I want to know who does that is it a new boy's job yeah yeah fit it for you curious want to know what second class post is what is it what is it what is it letters that have to travel in the back of the van beginning in the journey they bring a curtain across so they can't see what a nice time the first ones letters are having a I think you know i'ma support the post office I'm gonna be wrong I think it's the last bargain left on earth it's fantastic value 27 Pete and send a letter anywhere in the country oh it's pretty remarkable it don't bill moment they put it up when they put the price up not another penny had their they all know paid 28 days and absolutely sprays same as endures it's great and I think post office you just turn around will you take it then see if I care see how far you get we had 27 P train tickets somewhat I'm gonna I'm gonna change the whole queuing system so we don't have this in and out thing going on you know the maze you have to enter into your little cordoned off areas yeah because this isn't mental torture you end up chewing away from the thing you're queuing to get to is that you can't get your head around it yeah every few minutes you get up to the counter and then you're away games allow them to listen to your number for journal number for it is actually Roger Moore it's Roger Roger works at the post office now people don't know this you watch the post office Roger because the Bond movies have dried out let's face it he's not bond anymore he's not yet a little bit of voiceover work for the post office you know he likes it he's got a little room around the back it's just a little desk a glass of whiskey here's the way for the lightly come on guard number four I can't believe it's come to this so when is it one of these days you could have two accounts every guy with a patch they resign a white cat going welcome to conquer a number four been expecting you anyway so well I I am I like touring yeah I put on a little weight before I had to lose the weight I had to go on a diet for this this is tricky I you know cuz I've got a certain age where it doesn't come off so quick I couldn't get the suit on I was a little bit of a desperation thing I tried slimfast first well that was rise recommended slimfast is there a delicious drink at breakfast delicious drink at lunch I'll grab gin and tonic all day all right so whatever what in the end what happens to the go to Weight Watchers this is what something to say go to wait one I draw the line sorry no not gonna wait what I refuse to go and be weighed in public by the town mayor I'm not doing it I mean you know they clap they clap when you eat with you if you lost weight they're clapping well done not pathetic Dan you lucked out Japan really suits you man comes off here first at noon yeah then they change their tone if you put on weight you know at Weight Watchers God on my woe betide anyone who puts on weight at Weight Watchers then it's a different tune altogether huh we have a pig there's a pic on the scales like a German take a look at him it's put on three pounds last week as his Pig that's not cake pig pig hey my birthday oh oh oh you know what it was what's gonna happen what's the best in acne you're gonna diet really and all in all seriousness what's the best you can achieve you gonna work you gonna become slimmer of the year horizon dope with your picture in the local papers of the toss of your trousers out there well done your clothes don't fit and you never see them again a member of the year you never see him again it's just the one year it never comes back the next year the reigning champ four years in a row here is he's back on a stretcher look at me I weigh six pounds and the chair high anyway in the end what happened I lost the weight naturally just came off what if she got food poisoning is what happen is that food poisoning and I was in Southend I went to South handling gig down there and they've got this ash tree they just pumped crap basically into the sea all day long just put you know really horrible to see I swear Boxing Day you could walk the France from South Angie just you know know and I knowing this it's crazy what I did you know I went I got taken out a restaurant that seafood local seafood I know what am I thinking of I know it was as well had his arm had their muscle had a blue string coming out of it Jenai oh god I was so ill for about five weeks I was really not well you know just the the force of it coming out of your body it's just terrifying in the end isn't that you just so you know that noise of fairy liquid bottle makes when it's nearly empty how can that be that much pressure inside unit oh I'm painful they've never measured the speed of that have they society is always going on about sneezes and so are you when you sneeze comes out a hundred forty miles an hour we've measured it never done that one that they never just a shortage of volunteers down the lab for that yeah okay when you're ready if you were to help me to tell my glasses getting bad no he said when I got well I mean it took a little while I still don't they're fine you know what I mean you just have that leftover phobia of it all and I don't trust food anymore I'm really really not happy about what I eat I cuz you don't know what you're eating any more then just don't you're a bug you don't know what you're getting there Dee and it says beef you know I wasn't thirty Noah's Ark in a bap isn't it you've just got lips and ears and eyeballs and crush those what you know I always have rolled up spinal cord you don't know what you got you can either rational think I was walking like this before no memory laughter no Kentucky Fried Chicken have taken out an injunction to stop some people from publishing the recipe for Kentucky Fried Chicken this is because they're afraid that people will start making it for themselves at home instead of going to KFC outlets this is sort of missing the point isn't it no one is actually that shit-faced in their own house - we will think about Kentucky Fried Chicken for the same reason we don't have a good bad thing going around in the front room just going round and round for when you've had enough to drink yeah you're coming ours somehow saving myself a fortune here you one cup gets a realism you go outside and throw it your own front window cooking you know Kentucky is great Kentucky Fried Chicken the family meal but what sort of families have a bucket my my wife my children we'd like a trough of chicken please lightful thank you you know what you're eating I don't trust any of it now I don't you know slush puppies slash puppies but he slush puppies it looks like we're toilet cubes go to die or something doesn't it this stuff people buy it though this is like a marketing genius somewhere thought well yes it is slush but if we if we put a nice word after the nasty word I think people will buy it I think puppies are nice puppies are nice people are stupid let's give it selling it ever since cannabis hush puppy please and a pissed kitten while I'm here thank you I do a strawberry bunny thank you so much anyway I digress I know I didn't turf a little while and 97 was my last to stop Turing reason I stopped actually is my Jane my wife had twins twin boys four years ago and I wanted to be there for the early the early days in the early you know and you know be supportive and be involved but as you can see I'm back on tour because we still got the and now I want to live in hotels forever it is you know you can't I mean obviously you can't complain to make your kids we all know we love our kids for Christ's sake lessons that's out the way we know that we all know what a joy and privilege and pleasure it is to have children is such a joy that tonight you left them with a complete stranger we know 14 year old from out the road yeah who you trust who she wears glasses you do they oh she's a sense was you got glasses it's fine it's difficult the whole parenthood think to be honest I have found it a struggle I I don't cuz you don't know how to start you don't know how to raise kids there's no real but you can't smack them I really believe this you can't smack them it's wrong you know it's wrong it's ineffective is cruel bullying it's it's just bloody satisfying is what it is look at the pros smacking argument doesn't hold that much water when you really look at it the approach smacking argument is are willing to smoke sometimes you do that it's really the only language they understand you could apply that to tourists these worries I told you didn't I warned you I told you and I see you wouldn't listen would you rather block you're still lost aren't you no I feel I'm after smacking I want to smack the smug parents in the world I you know the ones who just give you that little look when yours are playing up I didn't hate him those people you'd be in a cafe yours I'm mucking around they got spaghetti in their hair pulling a bloody wallpaper off it's always a little perfect family over here isn't it just just doing it alright and quietly they give them drugs before they come out they do mr. mrs. Baxter and their children they they can't stop looking round they can't stop looking round at you they got a little look and they go are three-year-olds reading Harry Potter busy well ours is smearing his on the fridge door so this is horses for courses in that bloody are you not sick and tired of hearing about Harry Potter the backlash begin that's right oh god I am so sick of it and I don't even think kids like it to be honest I don't even think kids they like cowboys and Indians and stones I'm specky twine on a broom no can i telling heroes that come on parents have just lost their marbles about it you know grown-ups can read it too yes they can there's a book isn't it we're stuck we're stuck with it because it's you know it is a book it's literature that means it's part of our culture now we can't get rid of it it's not gonna be like a fad like toys are great like that toys come and go you have them you're sicker than they're gone after a while you'll be the space hoppers where clackers remember clackers what a bloody perfect toy that was to harden balls of plastic resin on a nylon cord what could possibly go wrong and the game is you stand in the middle of the playground and go we count the number of people still standing you know that got past quality control or I didn't it I've got two daughters as well which is great I you know I'm so I'm very lucky but I'm and they're bit older so I'm sick and tired of bloody shopping for toys for girls Oh God there you take me and that pink thing I he's pink things with Ference balcony they look they got toy guns you don't you want look realistic always a muse when I see like there's a junior chemistry kits for children junior chemistry sets is the world not a dangerous enough plates without junior chemistry sets for sale in shops the boy on the box is making a clock powered by a potato the boy and his bedroom is making a device that will lead to the evacuation of Slough generally I always think it's gonna match Oh present you know what I mean it's a match Oh present from the dad to the son I kind of writes a passage thing that he has to give a chemistry set to his son at some point in it you know son you're 8 years old right I'm your drone welding kit thanks dad smart I don't need it you know kids don't need they don't leak the fine danger anywhere let's face it they have a nose for it they can't they can't not find Ange remember once my daughter's expressed an interest in stamp collecting which is a depressing little moment in my life have to say bye-bye oh this you know you want to encourage any enthusiam stamp collecting I shall buy your assembly think yeah a junior stamp collecting kit I forgetting that there's magnifying glass in this thing right you have a magnifying glass there's six year old on a hot day bye bye aunt bye bye 20 acres of new forests well though I blame records have to do it myself even now I'm 40 I still have to do it the magnifying on a hot day I can't resist I have to do it I do it get that little pinpoint a Sun they still as hot as ever was the old son never wish that we're Harry Potter yeah sick of it I really an adjustment read the entire series has he what a tosser I'm worried well what happens in real childhood yeah when did Jasper last play football around the park all weekend I'll just make mud pies and I burn down a cricket pavilion the stuff we all did take out a Swans Eyre with an air gun that kind of thing well you know I'm being hard I'm being hard on it because it's it is literature and I have okay I'll be honest with you now I have a bit of a problem a reading actually I I get very I read very slowly I get very jumbled up when I'm reading it quite confused I'm actually not dyslexic I had some tests done three years ago what it is right what they discovered is I'm actually quite thick I see thank you doctor at least now I have a name for it I am I'm thick actually medically speaking I should be home watching Family Fortunes that's it no I'm not I'm a lazy video I am on lazy eye you know if I'm reading a thriller so there's a name in it I can't pronounce oh I wouldn't pronounce that I won't work out how to pronounce it always like a Russian name or something I'm reading it to myself doesn't matter I know all the way through every time he crops I don't matter doesn't matter says what's that book about a guy : Bama I know I I took time off base is what I'm saying took time off to be with the kids to bond because it's what you have to do at the bondage of bonding with girls easy and bonding with boys is my experience so far one girls very rewarding very responsive you put your arm around I love you I love you to you daddy very sweet lovely adoring you know boys a little bit different but your honor and a boy I can't do that anymore I'm for that's what you got to do now you got a bond I mean you got bond with your kids and you've got a bonds you got a bond with babies what happens you know that's our thing it's first thing you realize when you when you when you even become a parent that's what happens the helpers that it comes around and speaks to you like that they do they say baby and so they talk how's baby having Tonto around the house isn't it baby fine how visitor sudonym erosion house dad stop me we've all got names okay when I got my description okay I didn't call you spinster did I but you like you know your life has changed it is change it's different it's more difficult to be honest it is difficult I haven't been abroad on holiday for like years four years I just I can't believe there are people who will do this take their small kids to a hot country parlor forget it it life is hard enough with small children you don't need scorching heat and botulism thrown in on the equation you know I've done it as well I did it I went to wanna you know I went to one in Greece it was and they had this old kids club you bring him in ten in the morning they do ping-pong and painting and they're okay I admit I did up because I didn't realize you have to pick him up in the evening that was my fault it was it was awkward after two weeks you know you're gone he's just your own child standing there going meet them ethnic now he's not gay little yellow cigarillos no i don't i can't do i bribed you i holiday here in england i have a great time it is good you save a fort it's good you're not kids like anyway for cry they're happy if they're with you really you're half an hour in the car you can tell them you're in Japan they believe you where are the Tokyo they've got a slide probably and I don't miss you I else actually don't miss going abroad actually I don't I like it here I was thinking about the other day the thing the only thing I miss I miss I miss the little holiday cats that you get in hot countries they're friendly aren't they little skinny ones come and say hello to you sees you arrive you give a little tip bit to eat they're all grateful come back the next day 48 of their friends you got the holiday dog that's a different creature altogether real unknown quantity just three legs one I golf ball-sized growth on the side of his neck just chewing a raw chicken carcass in the Sun and for some reason the children want to take him home he's got rabies okay oh you know we've lost our marbles over pets in this country we don't know we're doing anymore you know I blame Rolf Harris to be honest I do I blame television is Rolf Harris Pet Rescue 999 for animals that's just this lets axe that one now shall we that's it I it gets more and more ridiculous that show i watch the other day they're doing doing surgery on a rattlesnake little rattlesnake just a little mask oh his face this poor little fellas been run over good don't treat it reverse its just setting a bad example it looked true to mas you lovely person this lunatic on what she done she fails her exams on television hell their final I guess that they take them again I think yes I think so too if a bet is what you want to bet he every wager there's something wrong I'll just give you Sam stole it means you always died every week sound be worried about his ponies got a lump on his butt it's a camel that's telly now that is is he was just this palace with fed an endless died of pap on telly that's it how did da house up her are we want to see that Owen crisis a gardening shows there's another one do you know that I don't know I don't have my Alan Titchmarsh the guy's got the patience of a saint he's cope with that brass band following him around for the last ten years Christ everything he does they strike up a tune I just put some trellis first thing he's being sought by Salvation Army wasn't he like dumb or Gavin don't what Gavin is this is not a God there is a lunatic all Gardens need an element of surprise whether it's a shrub or a water feature what I put in yards as a bear trap reality television is another one but God see these sauces lining out a new Big Brother this time of Christ don't clap none of you bus is running to get me out of that toilets I don't clap now all right now I add verts are our net completely unethical now you know you're probably think oh yeah Jack you yes yes you're gonna talk about adverse oh yeah who are you to be talking about adverts when you've appeared in one made a lot of money doing so well there is a reason I can do that and that is I'm a hypocrite right I'm sick and I'm a hypocrite it's quite convenient at times at least I did a good I'll be revered decent honest beer and not bloody cosmetic surgery being advertised on telly now that's just naughty I wouldn't do that the hair loss clinic come to us restore your confidence I know I understand that the hair confidence relationship anyway frankly I mean I obviously I have a full head so it doesn't really count in my case and if I didn't I'd look ridiculous like all both people do but you know well that's it the other one the chatline advert but the woman comes on midnight just as lovely looking gaga hi why don't you call me I really want to talk to you well why don't you call me then don't really good time I'm sitting on the couch in my underpants eating cheesy what's this that's what I got the timer in the house on my own and I never know what to do with it I long to be on my own in a house sometimes and it's just ruined by little sort of domestic things you have to do the washing machine it finishes and I come too selfish to deal with this situation I'm sorry I am a bastard when it comes out for if I'm on my own in the house and the washing machine finishes its cycle I don't empty it to be honest don't just switch it on again it to go I can't I gotta go near the thing I hate it you know you know when you think it's finished you think it's finished you'll be watching for 15 minutes Stockstill nothing you got smoke but it go I don't go anywhere near that pouring liquid into the drawer how long does that feel that every fiber in my body fights there pouring liquid into it when do you ever do that okay this thing in hotel is hilarious prank but otherwise get it right I always get it wrong I got it I never know what to choose on a diet the pre-wash pre-wash what is pre-wash surely pre-wash is wearing it it just and in serious get it wrong you get your bloody washing wrong you've ruined your clothes this is a machine you buy to improve your clothes it ruins them and this is an unfair thing between men and women this is this is not equal this the I ruin clothes it's a different thing from if my wife ruined clothes okay I ruined a pair of jeans socks white socks okay I have met hands up I've met I'd I'd done a very very pale move barely discernible this this turn out to be a spare room offense okay whereas my favorite shirt that she manages to turn into some flouncy number that pack from EastEnders wouldn't be seen dead in oh it's a funny thing Oh funny yeah yeah it brings up friends and look at Jack and his blouse I did that I did that it's just you know what you know I really blame the washing labels in clothes you know the care label that let's have this in Planet plain English now let's not have anymore there's symbols and that one the hieroglyphics that's cool over there as a planing a little triangle whether the iron in the middle but then what's that mean I mean no one knows used to be an Egyptologist to get your washing right yeah what a me great of all that stuff on the side of pyramids turned out to be washing instructions imagine the academics everywhere finding out that oh Jesus you're kidding wash the pyramids separately for sake I believe it I wasted my life don't scrub the Sphinx back yo lady get out you give buy a new shirt something a little care label has a spare button on it there's a Frank admission of shoddy workmanship isn't it yes so badly all the buttons always come off in a week you'll see you know the button on the label never comes off does it listen we're not don't take the day off on Monday for God's sake make it a long weekend you don't need to do that yeah take the day off we weren't meant to be going to work in fact we weren't meant we are a generation brought up on the notion that we'd be working from home for the first time tomorrow's world didn't you wash that every week when I was like I watch that every week I was lied to by that show I wasn't I wasn't wearing my hover shoes where that was John Craven every oh yes by the year 2002 we'll have the Internet the information Highway it'll imprint was he done the beauty into that what have the ins okay jail Gary Glitter hurrah apart from that done nothing all he's done is surround yourself with glamorous terminology to make itself sound groovy I am megabyte surfing's you're not you're not surfing all right face it you're in your bedroom typing that's what it is it's not an information iris it's a porn highway is what it is it's porn you can't avoid the porn on the internet now are you on the email I got email I don't know what it was it's open start winching now well no I like this cafe either maybe I missed that episode of tomorrow's world John Craven say money in 2002 opium front of our computers wanking like Safari Park Tibbits good night in it you know you can't Oh God bloody computer they've not improved our lives one bit is what I maintain not one bloody bit you can and now they've taken over now they're telling us what to do this is what I really hate I hate that they've forgotten that they're a tool it's said you know they give you the instructions comes up on the screen press ENTER no no you do everything don't start telling me what I can do okay so when you switch it on you switch it on again whoopee what do you mean dinner Wow I mean didn't I just switched you on don't didn't mean listen the fanfare when I sweet you thin air what a guy vs. machines far cleverer than you don't feel the need to go been there then you switch it off it turns into Chris Tarrant you sure you want to switch it off witness I know I hate yeah that's the house you know I hate there nothing that they never take responsibility for anything the computer disease never its fault is it would you ever get it from a computer think gosh Jack I really I feel so stupid I I've forgotten a lot of stuff you asked me to remember and I it's my fault I really really sorry won't happen again I am so they never get that would you never know nice your fault comes up on the you fail to logout correctly last time some data may be lost sorry of my fault yeah again me just cast your mind back the reason I failed to logout correctly that timers remember unplugging pull the battery out yeah I yes was a halfway through a sentence you it Oh God pathetic little messages always so dramatic as well isn't that you've committed an illegal act a fugu error has occurred over you Spock now I like playing around with other people's computers that's a fun thing here's the thing to do this is fun you go surprise them by putting a new a new screensaver on it yeah that's what I do yeah my favorite screensaver to put on someone else's computer is it is now safe to switch off your computer friend of mine lost four years of medical research so that love practical jokes I do know just the the attitude of the things just stinks doesn't it they're just like there's so much better than you the spellcheck isn't that irritating the the spellcheck little brittany line comes under a word when you're typing away it's like having some smartass looking over your shoulder I don't know just thought you'd like to take a look at how you spell that necassary not a word I recognize remained everything's slower everything life is now slower because the computers aren't this is it everything is it you come there's the time you gonna shop and just buy a pack of polos whatever you want you go and you buy it you buy a chain cutting you out you can stun finish you've got the polos in your pocket now right not now you go in you buy pocket ponies they have to be scanned doesn't they other we see a long does that take oh hang us Jeanne could we have another package of polos please in the back of the shop he's the same as supermarkets that's that just goes on for it drives me nuts that sound that's a bit christ sake after five minutes like a kill on that sound I could just change the note would you for Christ's it yeah you're a computer platoon or something let's it's ever noise that relates for the product you're buying buy milk because the further shot eggs kids who love it toilet roll where is it improved ah no where has it does bloody internet shopping and that rubbish gum how slow is that into your groceries on the internet it's like having flu and Emmy at the same time isn't it a miracle eventually come up with something slower than teletext with every chief this is teletext is like asking an old person look up something and radio time shoe isn't it I'm just looking for the page hang on a second I've got Internet bloody shopping right I swear I could I could crawl on my hands and knees to the shop and bring home each product one at a time between my teeth and it would be faster than internet shopping you know and the improvements don't really I mean they've even proved me oh isn't that virtual shopping a virtual experience you'll walk down the aisle you see the items before you might which I mean and I agree that is an improvement you see the product before it gets back to your house that is a blessing because then you don't make the quantity mistakes that you make when you're just reading off a list it all turns up and you look at it oh yeah that's what 200 grams look like not enough looks like I'll be making a trip to the shops after all I've got a bowl of Tabasco at home that high I have now they bloody know as well don't they when they're delivering you got a look in there right they know you've acted up yeah is your Tabasco rage on it looks like spicy food yes I do could you go if you finished well you know I have been working from home a little computer how sad would that be my god you know Mon that you know and anyway listen stay out the house as much as possible hundred percent of domestic accidents happen in the home so you want to stay away away from there I did looked into this I did some research on the NHS I was doing a job about it and they send you details from the logbooks and National Health Service hospitals casualty logbooks and I was reading this and it was it made very good in reading you know between the year 99 and 2000 in in this country there were no fewer than 72 napkin related accidents napkin related accidents imagine ringing in with that one yeah I can't make it a bit of a run-in with a serviette that's just the paper one was very paying for icon over 200 underwear accidents this has got me two people having accidents putting their underwear on what happened to you I just got one foot in till he lost control woke up in this damn hospital but at ages worst thing is the doctor says I might never wear pants again because these are the people these are people who are clogging up the NHS having accidents like that stupid accidents you know I I I feel very strong about this I should be made I should be made Minister of Health because I was sorted out in a day I wouldn't go on television first day I get the job I go on telly today yes there are waiting lists time is a great healer I won't know any trouble I'm sick of the moaning I word I just be out sorted out straightaway these people complaining or like ordinary listen cigar burn out it gets me yeah because you live half an hour from the hospital I want to get a quicker move nearer okay I am I'm sick of the Mona the casualty people moaning about casualty these people work hard enough in these places for Christ said I want to hear you moaning all day because I can see such a horrible place to be yes isn't it yeah it's horrible because something horrible has happened to you all right what's wrong bloody Disneyland it is difficult something Horrible's happened and you are of course surrounded by members of the public trying to cheer you up which is difficult no cheer up Marc never happened I think you can tell by the words accident and emergency on the door and indeed the chisel coming out of my name on this occasion it has actually I think what happened okay the government aren't doing the right things that sorted out they come up with stupid ideas you know there are their idea of sort of sorting it out is old you know go see your pharmacist if you're not well sorry my farmers it why because he processes holidays natural living this is me we're talking I like the doctor if I may no disrespect to many pharmacists I'm sure if I should ever wish to purchase a comb his expertise will be invaluable but now I want the doctor so I've written in with my own suggestions how to improve the whole thing how to improve this piece will work I'm sure first suggestion it's just number one here it comes this is what happens it stop people coming into casualty alright stop them at the door if what happened to them is their fault they can't come in alright a little hard but word would get around people would start being a lot more bloody careful it would it just stops you stood before you come in what happened I swallowed a spanner sighs ridiculous you can't come in here this is casualty you have to follow the science for stupid ology Department we'll have you seen by an idiot ition as soon as possible right the idea number two idea number two right this is even better we rethink all all waiting times in advance so that it works like this what happens the every conceivable circumstance is thought of in advance and give an appropriate waiting time according to the stupidity of the accident right said work sighs someone comes it what happened I fell off a ladder well not not your fault ten-minute wait if you don't succeed thank you next I was walking underneath a ladder and so I fell on top of me and I hurt my shoulder well that is a fairly stupid thing to do you'll be in for a 25 minute wait it says here like no argument it's already there next I was walking down stairs with no clothes on and I fell backwards onto a Hoover nozzle I'm afraid you're in for a bit of weights mr. Barrow more if you could no I don't even make a cheap jokes about that guy and I'm very you know I'm a fan of Barrymore's and I don't make a snipe or anything but you know I'm to be honest I just couldn't believe what I was reading one night when that happened I'd that's all you know I just I was really a nice guy this guy was pulled out for different kind of drugs in his system and three different samples are seeming up his ass yeah ice again I have friends over we have pasta what happened the chatting no my final point and I'm not gonna bang on about the nhf my final point on this is tattoos okay tattoos get removed for free on the NHS okay no no no no bloody no not when I'm in charge okay you put them on you take them off all right the most the NHS should offer in this regard is the crossing out service name on my arm we're not going I never understood the tattoo appeal personally I never understood why you want to hang around all Saturday morning and a part-time minicab office surrounded by dodgy surgical equipment where Alice Cooper stabs away a hand and German Shepherd licks the wound clean never like God even a school near a school there's always kids there doing their own tattoos homemade tattoos at the back of the class yeah they look good don't they home eat the object we're all writing on our end you're gonna do it as I do you know I don't think I will thanks for asking what do they borrow live with it for day or two then maybe if I want to go permanent maybe you could then they could jab away at my arm with your compass and a bottle ink how would that be don't like it don't like the tattoo I mean they're very popular as well on their very popular tattoos on our flowers here and little butterfly little thing here little dolphin there yeah all right look I draw the line at Chinese writing to be honest Chinese writing if you're not Chinese why Chinese I can see it is was it saying it says love and peace how do you know bloody now for all you know it could mean choose one of the tattoos below well this is a sexy tattoo you like the sexy tattoo that's a bit of a turn-on imagine for girls you like that ladies first date guy rolls up his arm they could naked woman up his armor bit of a turn-on isn't that a bit of a yes to this man after that you know I look and I say that could be you naked you're not washes I'll do that she gave pregnant you know just charming get back in your lorry now please no I'm no I can't ever touch you the reason I can't have a tattoo it was a good this is this is an important reason I can't have a tattoo because I'm English right and by that what I mean is I would I wouldn't get what I want from the tattoo situation I would know and I'd be too proud to ask for something else or complain I'd only make a fast running I'd go in I'd a stroke I asked for a lion or something and that was some boss I'd spaniel going on my arm I sure I wouldn't complain I wouldn't no no that's why I wouldn't want to go fuss it's great yeah well don't think a lot yeah nothing I prefer dogs thank you very much for that thank you I was not gonna live with the rest of my life why would you why don't you tell me you can do lies you look at it I wouldn't I've never had a haircut I'm happy worth never have I complain not once no well then they're around the back of the head you there's beret oh thank you right heather's have a bathroom sponge thank you very much don't want to complain cause I'm English just my thing well English my thing on English is where we are proud but proud of stupid stuff free you know we're proud but with prayer are cliffs we're proud of our content Margaret's are Clips now you know when you get clips on your Clips you can take an Englishman to the Grand Canyon and he's a wise big I grant you hardly why how are they gene and I will stay on the couch thank you we don't like little things changing in this Co that's the English and that goes mentality we don't like things changing that's why we're not gonna go settle for the euro being chained we don't want the year oh no we won't have that we we were learning to accept marathons means change the Snickers when I do the deal with a currency change are we good that's what I see a snicker bar that way it's not really a snicker is it is a marathon marathon in a European they think I know more recently more recently gift and jiff changed last year jiff changed to sip jiff changed his name of sip this is this triggered like four weeks of debate in the Daily Mail correspondents going in and out that there people writing in so I'm just scared anything up and if you are lines always loaded you got anything else going well you will them not on the condom there's not safe in my house oh well no no no in the end this woman rises that there are 4-1 and pleased that they have changed the name of Jeff to SIF as there is another product on the market also known age if and I found this confusing you see really how confused were you in all honesty between a lemon shaped lemon colored lemon filled plastic lemon and a white bottle with a picture of a bath on it how many pancake days are ruined in your house before you began to suspect that as always not what is it might be in the jiff world there's an ice pack oh no I've only gone and poured scarer on it remember I did that last year Oh God changing the passports over oh the fast people made I'll change my password it's British you don't mess with that new passport gold writing is stiff the crest on it you know so it officials just slap them aside with it either my way Johnny foreigner you don't need to look in it it's British that's all you need to know mmm British best in the world their reason for visiting imperialism okay I mean it's that is stupid and it's that's what Englishness is and I mean and I I'm serious about it because I think there's a there is a serious thing here because we're losing the English have lost touch with their culture their heritage that we don't really know what we're about anyway and you notice it traveling around there's so much Scotland you know since and Andrews they are big piss-up you get to get of Wales and since David's a big piss up we're gonna Islands paid a big piss up you know it's not like a mountains not like I'm down on being English yeah I mean III don't know I don't my being is fine I mean there are some advantages I would think I mean I I think we actually make quite good old people aren't we good of that so no I don't I think you know being old is all right I don't dread that I do I even look forward to it to something it's not external at four - I don't need such a bad thing great thing about being old you can say what you want can't you when you're old can't you just you're not rude anymore he's so old it's not rude he's a character you're carrying issues like a in that wedding dress - looking for they're looking for having trousers up to here as well that's one thing on the forefoot zip pocket full of sweets yeah why groceries no thanks much now crazy about warm toffee thanks anyway it is I mean I'm there certainly notice it as well John I started doing something my dad does my dad it's he now looks at his watch when you ask him a question this is yeah a cup of tea dad yes why not little beverage monitor say say yes to the next question yes I am thirsty I think I said earlier I'm 40 now and I wasn't expecting to feel different but physically I did feel different almost overnight I felt different I was blessed I was I was a woke up on my 40th birthday the first time in my life I could feel drafts I never understood the draft problem in my life ever a window open no mother I've shot all windows there's no no someone at the dorm now I've gaffer taped us in was suffocating 14 minutes drafts in this room I felt something eight houses down a cat is farted or what but now I feel him I feel drugs a horrible thing I drop oh god it's a cold air gonna wake up with a stiff neck that's great you get you get injured by air when you're old that's what happens now your body changed I think I had I have time to tell you this I had a bit of a health scare last year last year my prostate gland started playing out right and I wasn't very nice I'm actually 100% well now thanks for asking okay laughing till I go that's what I paid for if you drop dead at the end of integers I can keep me laughing alright okay no I I know I wasn't very well I had these nasty pains then niggling pains down here nasty got a doctor my doctor and and he said I this is your prostate gland I'm sure it's your prostate gland you need to have this looked at immediately by a specialist all right so I got I'm fairly I'm pretty sure I understand what this involves a certain certain type of procedure medical procedure in order to examine the prostate sure you're all well aware the prostate gland is in a somewhat somewhat inconvenient location that's a bit like Hammersmith Apollo in that respect I go to go see a specialist very nice blow very nice I'm I know what to expect and he goes in the end he goes oh oh about ever look at it then I just pop your trousers and pants off put them over there if you go over there you guys have to pop things off for the doctors the thing I'm noticing you have to pop things off nowhere else in the world would you pop clothes off only the doctors you have to pop them off it's a medical thing I actually would like to go and my trousers loaded with dynamite one time is just pop your trousers off yeah sure there you go watch out for the shoes here they come for anything else like a pop up for you duck it's either that or you can go behind a screen you have a screen and T they didn't understand that that's not the embarrassing thing I don't get it do they doctors you go behind the skirt the the thing we're not crazy about is coming out after like that we want to ever have to one of those blue gowns you get given in hospitals it does up at the back oh how vulnerable do you thin in the outfit the buildings on fire were evacuating I'm staying here when on a street boy ass hanging out of this thing so anyway I had to take off my eye to pop off my trousers my pants okay and it's just could you just lean over the over the inspection bed there and I can remember thinking at that point when I come back for a check-up or or whatever I won't wear a suit because to be honest you do feel fairly stupid and jacket and tie just no trousers no pants little thing your shirttail hanging down there nice smart tie got a nice jacket yeah no trousers no pants cufflinks but no trousers and no pants I'm just standing there like that just thinking about it Jesus you idiot yeah and socks for Christ's sakes Oh God look at you now look at you in your bloody socks and no trousers and no pants yeah jacket into you deserve everything's gonna happen to you now I hope it bloody hurts oh you know what yeah and then your mind starts rushing other what couldn't retake the socks off could tear my socks off good ideas I might look like it was that for it or something you know dr. beginning hi say yeah you know your mind is all over the place it's going on oh I made a mental note I'll come casual next time thanks very much I t-shirt what a bloody night dress you know you get buggered you might as well dress up our another me so anyway I'm waiting for this to happen and and I'm expecting it to happen there I can hear this noise behind me alright I know how that was opened a bottle of wine ice on his the lunatic man here no the gun on and I look at as a qualification about my head framed right and I thought well that's good he is a doctor that's that's reassuring him because kind of think of it I didn't actually ask him in fact I didn't ask him but it is nice to know that he is a doctor infant and then I that I got that got really paranoid I thought well how do I know that he was the glove on is he with a quality and I've never seen him for my life I've known him seven minutes that's all I don't know but he looks and I don't never mad at me for all I know the doctor could snuck out and the receptionist sent me in anyway yes sir I'm about to get finger cut by Xerox engineers he's gonna happen here he would is right within the bastard he worried it's been the rest of his life going around officers you know that JD off stitch the amount like I keep a one-time name see I'm gay you know nothing the Christ that calm down man countdown it's just and so I call myself down and the examination takes place right he inserts his finger and and he's actually very good at it it's not you know a bad thing at all but it's you I mean I didn't dumbing good good don't mean what do you think on that come on cheese fingers come on you go it goes and it goes keep still I've never been more still in my life I you know what the the riot police could use that they could they come on Sonny I've got you come on Loosli drop your weapon it's gone it's gone though if it's gone done this one in the back of the truck Leggett I have to go back to be checked out you know quite a lot now so has to go and every time I go is more casual with me always more relaxed for me but he chatty talks has a conversation he's standing there's a finger up my ass he's got savaging the other hand is and what happened I had to have antibiotics quite a long for a long period of time but and it cleared up but I thought you know I'll share this with the audience because one night there might be someone I hope I've encouraged you to go and get checked up you do not like that we're not very good at that men are weird you know we don't like to do that way we'd rather you didn't actually talk about it and women much much healthier attitude to the whole thing they've got a much better forum for it as well all the women's magazines I'm always struck by that women's magazine sort of full of doctors notes and health advice and oh you know my fanny hurts what can it be and it's you know it's dealt with it's out in years only your body men we don't like men's magazines we're just full of fast cars and gadgets and muscle building and then the neighbors who gets a health advice in a men's magazine is like once a month fili testicles yeah whoever wrote that as never observed a man watching television it's our principle problem we just can't leave them alone for more about a minute at time you know this is probably fine this is what's caused all the testicle problems you know soon as telly came in men just couldn't keep their hands off their necker's and that's it a be ideal gift for a man would be testicles that change channel wouldn't it got a listen give me a great audience thanks very much thanks for coming I appreciate it thanks a lot thank you okay thank you very much I just need quickly I don't wanna run over here we've this isn't strictly speaking an encore because as you might notice that she didn't give you a chance to leave there's there is no option here I just think why take that risk yeah over thank you very much for the very kind word you've got time to read some of these iWatch I'll get through some of these if we can why is there a camera man taking a picture of your ass well that's the special features on the DVD is my ass Jack has a small motorbike driven down your tie as we've all given tacit consent to being filmed are we entitled to a share of royalties lovely no this one jack no this one flowers forty pound club tickets 30 pound night bus ten pound the look on her face when you stick your arm please you did obviously do do you ever sit on the curb and dangle your legs over the edge alright let's deal with it let's do yes I'm short okay I'm short Here I am a little short a stitch they call me I am shudder I get it all the time working on it not as big giant le I don't know how BIG's your television I really have no idea I don't even want to be - I did talk about that their own shops and stuff and I bet say high-and-mighty gone hi am i - you're not it are high and mighty just a bit taller that's all you are like we don't have shops called short and squatty you do big deal about told me about signs or mind your head just casual when I was short people just can't open without signs all what sure don't scrape your ass gun and the stairs there circus boy look at you go they you know you and the other talk people always brag about being tall like it's an achievement their name always me yeah I'm 6 foot 2 I am yes I'm 6 foot high a cop I do wish I'd had the forethought to grow that high well done look at me I'm it's not an achievement it's not it's not just like like being left-handed you're just a freak what's an Essex girls favorite wine can we go to Lakeside yeah you are sex on legs I want to give you a good going-over after Thank You Neil yes I bet my mate you would do five star jumps on stage for ten pounds and I am a tad short of cash enjoy the walk what's blue and shags old-lady table please blue and shags old ladies me and my lucky blue overcoat who ate all the pies who ate all the pies you fat bastard you fat bastard you ate all the pies do mushrooms really taste like semen a bloke goes into a bar and meets a girl she says my name is Carmen because I like cars and men he says my name is Charlie beer Oh so I'm not really any more of these I'm gonna go now thank you very much as many great we said iodine

Channel: Hashmat Ali

Views: 509,046

Rating: 4.3098211 out of 5

Keywords: Jack Dee Stand-up Comedy, Jack Dee, Live at the Apollo, Apollo, Hammersmith Apollo, Comedy, Stand Up, Comedian, 2002

Id: 0NzFxsW58d0

Length: 79min 6sec (4746 seconds)

Published: Fri Mar 18 2016