11 Best Bits of Series 2: Jack Dee, Lee Mack & Rich Hall | Live at the Apollo | BBC Comedy Greats

you know when you're in love with somebody you rarely see them at work you rarely see them doing the thing that they do and you can't it's extremely attractive go follow your partner someday to work if they're having an affair it'll be a hideous conclusion but uh but just watch them doing the thing it's really cool because you can't do it they can you and i [ __ ] know you're fantastic your glory particularly when they're saving a life jesus glory you're there going oh you're beautiful i love you and you're making me look good right now yeah she's my to my girlfriend look at that she's gloria she's saving her life trophy bird right there had to be peeled off the doctor the day of the mini stroke seriously she was underneath me going that's very flattering but could i deal with the situation first right and that's behind her no she'll be unconscious for a while yes apologize he's actually in the room tonight sorry for that uh but it is nothing more attractive than seeing the person i mean the the doctor here have you a partner there with you have your boyfriend or husband with you yeah he's a teacher he's a teacher so he he's not in the magical trade my teacher friend isn't it sexy have you seen her ever deal with an emergency have you no yeah not yet he said get it to run over one of these feckers on the way home tonight dude it's extremely attractive but the one bad thing is you're very clownish people the doctors they have a tendency to hang around together in little groups right okay my teacher friend do you have to go to loads of social events where it's just you and doctor doctor doctor doctor doctor doctor doctor does that happen to you my friend does it i hate [Applause] [Music] i am articulating your pain my friend he hates it ladies and gentlemen because there's times i've been at the dinner parties and it's doctor doctor doctor doctor doctor doctor and i'm the only second muggles in the room right and i they don't know half as much as you give them credit for my friend if you're ever at another dinner party and it's all doctors [ __ ] with their heads it's remarkably easy to do if you're ever out with a load of doctors and they're going well today i performed a [ __ ] decade you just go yeah but what are hiccups exactly [Applause] there's many competing theories at the moment and then you go why if you stay in bed longer do you feel more tired it's not my speciality in that particular field [Music] does time heal all wounds who the [ __ ] invited you to this dinner party anyway what are the oil of olay seven signs of asia no one no one actually knows what the oil of ole seven signs of aging are right apart they start with little lines around the eyes and finish with a woman sitting on a stairs with a bottle of gin good i have him the best years of my life and it takes a [ __ ] hell of a cream to get rid of that let me tell you doctor one final question doctor at the back there my surgeon friend liver and pancreas answer me this what are hiccups exactly a diaphragmatic irritation good woman yourself let the punches at home know she said diaphragmatic irritation which is right i also would have accepted any a rhythmic irritation of the phrenic nerve please please i'm not a doctor i'm just riding one okay i just think too many american women because of richard curtis of hugh graham i just think they presume every british man is walking around trying to get a date by going um [Music] when they turn up i'll buy you and you're made of bacardi breezer but one ears better be up for a [ __ ] [Music] that's very confusing as well in america see they've seen they've seen the full monty right and they think it means naked it doesn't does it means everything usually a full english breakfast i've gone into all sorts of trouble in america i was in the cafe this waitress came over how would you like the breakfast served um i love the full monty it's not that kind of place sir but soon as you helped us out against iraq i'll show you a tit all right which ones you want to see the left one or the right one um your left or my left you're left i've seen mine she got me perfect when i went to a french restaurant here have you ever done that thing with trying to order in french i tried to do that thing right so i thought when in rome do as the romans do my dad taught me that just before he was jailed in italy for killing 20 thousand christians [Music] sorry this might occur but i tried to order in french i wanted the egg custard right i said have you got le creme de she i said it's not feminine is it it's an egg custard what do i need another sex of an egg custard i want to eat it not [ __ ] it excuse the french i shouldn't swear in my act my land used to say if you don't throw in your outlet don't even say god say gosh only say god if you want to talk to him otherwise you're distracted from helping the poor that's a good point now we'll put some clothes on get out of the wheelbarrow [Music] she's great my name is used to say things like he's five pounds don't tell your mother i'll say why not and she'd say it's hers it's an amazing way with words i remember once i rang her up and uh my granddad had gone in this home very sad said how's he getting on in the home she went oh he's like a fish out of water i said is he finding it hard to adjust she said no he's dead you know what it's when it started day mella mccarthy when she went round the world wasn't that fantastic she'd come around in her boat and i yeah i found that i was watching that she's coming back and i saw that boat i thought that that boat has to be the first thing ever with b and q written down the sides actually worked i thought i actually found it very moving she came there's 8 000 people there to greet her back in falmouth you know personally i felt she could have made a bit of an effort put a dress on or something but and she's one of these heroes who just came out of nowhere isn't she because i didn't know anything about her until she did that i don't know she i don't know if she married or what i hope she's not married i mean for her sake you know imagine the dishes she would have come home to were you being i've been around the world in my boat you took your time being queued the bosses are being queued they must have just signed with relief and that thing reappeared over the horizon oh my god it actually floated jesus christ it is you have a shop at a bnq isn't it great they're a great store aren't they i love that shot you know we're obsessed with diy in this country you know what i read this recently the most popular form of home improvement in the uk is do you know what it is i'd say it's the front porch we love a front porch never really got it with the front porch i don't know what i'm going to do i'm going to put a front door in front of my front door that way i can go out and still be inside yeah jesus worked very well i've got a front door there and a front door there it's a bit like being dead i think i might do it out the back put a back door out the back of my back door then i'll clad the house put brick effect all over the brickwork and then get it double glazed have one window just behind the other if things go according to plan i'll end up with two houses one just inside the other [Applause] being queue's a great shop though isn't you go in there they specialize they have these 17 and a half acre stores they seem to specialize in having everything except the one thing you weren't there for you go there's no one to ask because they don't employ anyone between the age of 16 and 78 so there's no one there with a full mental capacity anyway and even if you do make an inquiry they always say the same thing oh god ask you know what you've heard those words that are being queued just leave get out kick the dignity find the exit go because what is the best going to happen you're going to watch him disappear to the end of the aisle disappear through the plastic flappy things at the end what do you honestly imagine is beyond the plastic flappy things at the end is there some oracle computer banks full of information about diy no the truth is once he's gone through the plastic flappy things he's outside you're left in the aisle just standing there like this you know what he's doing he's on the other side of the plastic flappy things doing this waiting for an appropriate amount of time to pass before i'll come back and tell you no i'm sorry we haven't got them we used to have them that's a great piece of information in a shop isn't it you used to have them problem solved all i have to do is travel back in time do you have a time machine i can't ask no don't go and ask let's please just buy this one now it's a display it's not for sale well you know isn't that how a shop works you sell what's on display otherwise it's not really a shop is it it's a house i've been doing campold nonsense in show business for 20 years now and i've worked with some fascinating people people like postman pat i'm sorry to tell you about the man i'm sorry for language but we did panto a couple of years ago and he was constantly upstaging me and pulling focus in the end i said you're looking like that off stage and i was all put on and on the other hand you know i've worked with some fascinating people people like dale winton uh dale winton and i went to stage school together and when we were both about 15 we shot up together dale is lovely he'll do anything for anybody anything from helping an old lady across the road to buggery there was one awful occasion when he got a bit confused great so bugged an old lady across the road but she saw the funny side of it put it down to youthful high spirits but if i had to think of a highlight of my career although there are two really there i did two royal variety performances and um you get to meet the royals afterwards which is the whole point really have you met them to abby not encountered any royalties just a question of time the second royal variety was in front of her majesty the queen and i was standing there with frankie de torre on one side and she got to me and just before she got to me suddenly became aware of a little kind of smidgen of wind that was trapped within as can happen and i thought well i can't really drop one in front of the queen that's probably treason so i'll have to get rid of it and because sometimes you can get rid of wind from whence it came by you know willpower and internal squeezing i had to go at that but it wasn't going anywhere so i let nature take its course and unfortunately on that occasion i shat myself is it always the way though just when you're about to meet a monarch i better just explain because i'm on this special diet no wheat no meat no dairy no cigarettes no alcohol i barely breathe diet and as a consequence my stools are not as other people's they're very very compact kind of capsule type affairs hardly any bigger than a neurofen plus and fragrant i might add generally lavender scented sometimes with a hint of juniper people use them as draw freshness they will be on sale in the foyer as you leave like an ideal christmas gift and um she said to me oh very very good well were you very nervous i said oh just a turd a tad uh so i thought i better get rid of it and i and i shook my leg like that and it shot across the stage who should be over there but dame shirley bassy or she's a wise old bird and she saw it coming and she deflected it like that it shot through the air who should be over there with her mouth open as usual but claire sweeney she's been talking [ __ ] ever since oh that has done me the world of good i thank you for that um because i was waiting back there behind the big billboard absolutely terrified i'm not a natural performer i'm not although i have been doing this talk around the country for about two months now i won't lie to you it's not been going very well i think the worst one was foxton i have never seen an audience turn so quickly rushing at the stage anger in their faces refund refund it was horrific i'll i'll try and paint a picture for you youngsters will know what i'm talking about are there any any youngsters in you you can relax sir any um oh there there's a youngster what what what is your name sir yeah what's that react what reason is that riaz with the zed all right it's not sesame street riaz how old are you 18. 18. shouldn't you be wearing a hooded top get out of my shopping center riaz don't laugh at riaz please you'll know what i mean riaz when i talk about stage diving are you familiar you won't know what i'm talking about sir but this is when a rock star like a kurt cobain or or a duncan from blue they run and they leak and you're right to be afraid you're right to be afraid they leap onto the audience riaz it's terrifying the audience grab hold of them and man handle them turning them around like that all over the place terrifying now what happened at foxton was almost a complete reversal of that with people just rushing at the stage it was appalling but i don't think we're going to have a repeat of that tonight i don't because i'm already getting a lot of warmth from you i am to quote the great darius danish there's a lot of love in the room there is there is a a wide range we've got riaz with his head with a zed no one can take that away from you diaz i wouldn't try to you'd whip out your hooded top and you'd happy slap me into submission [Applause] [Music] but it is it's a friendly crowd we've got we've got a proper here we go right down in the front that there's a chap here wearing a t-shirt with a slogan on it unbelievable a grown man what what what is your name sir chris chris withers head reacts you're one up you're ahead i'll bet there aren't many other people in the whole building whoever said in their name in all honesty unless cephades joined us tonight which i think is unlikely so you're a chris chris and what what's the idea with the t-shirt chris is it ragweek so of course i think well i've got to leave my example now i've got to say be a role model so i said to him uh well look how about if i sit in the dentist chair first and then you'll see there's nothing to worry about right he agrees to this and i said then you'll do it won't you yeah yeah so i you know wink wink at the dentist this is not a [ __ ] appointment pal dentist is looking at my teeth he's going to put the bib on me the sunglasses yeah sunglasses at the dentist are you a dentist what is that that's a great little trick that one is what are they you may think you're at the beach or something where you're sunbathing oh relax look the sun is out there are four of them but they're out are you clever man i forgot i had a black and decker in my mouth for a minute there's incredible what you did you tricked me with the sunglasses anyway he's looking at my teeth and then he goes oh actually there is something i can do for you here mr d and without any warning gets the drills straight they always do a couple like that just before they do it they know how bloody works they're trying to [ __ ] you up that's what's going on start drilling goes straight into root canal up here up here i'm i'm feeling the kind of pain that i didn't know could exist i'm just trying to diffuse the pain through the arms of the chair [Applause] blood coming off the ceiling my son runs out into reception as a total disaster i didn't get a bravery sticker the whole thing has gone wrong well you know like who likes to go today you wouldn't it you know from the moment you get they put that little vacuum cleaner in your mouth and oh god they stick that thing in your mouth it sucks all the saliva out i hate it always reminds me of my first girlfriend you know i just i'm always anxious they're gonna flick it on the blow by mistake i'm gonna end up with a mouth full of the previous guys phlegm i'll be there like some human volcano in my foster grass full of slums bits of tooth i'm spitting out all day it's not mine i never wore a brace it is an odd thing though at the dentist how you look forward to the pink drink once you're there having this stuff done you begin to think see a pink drink that's mine at the end of all this i get the pink drink it's gonna be worthwhile that little plastic cup with a pink drink in it's mine you look forward to the pink drink he's doing what he wants he's tinkering around with his little craft set inside your mouth doing what he wants injecting what all the injection that's how unnatural is that an injection in the mouth oh it'll just feel like a little scratch so what do you see it'll just feel like a little scratch and then after about 10 minutes it'll feel like you've had a stroke i'm lying there my upper body is going numb and i'm thinking it's okay i got a pink junk you find yourself looking forward to those words you can swell up i actually think that is the dentist's secret pleasure to see you in that state look at your dribbling baby you have no idea how much i hate humans bringing kids up is difficult they say kids these days are influenced by these new hyper violent computer games and that's nuts and if we've been influenced by the computer games from our childhood have to grow and go like can i be your gang no you're a bit weird mate to be honest imagine being influenced by pac-man you have to like walk around in a darkened room munching pills and listening to repetitive music the younger people laughing and clapping the older ones going who is this pac-man who speak of one of the rough boys from the estate is he there was some rough kids were oliver they're not being rough they're just being confusing you know come out of your house and go yeah your mum makes gravy for leopards isn't it yes yes i believe she does she does a lot of charity work these are scary kids even the dirty old men are scared of these kids see them turn up in their car put the window down hello little boy do you want to sweetie the kids out what sort of sweets have you got cindy best be good if you come monday and trouble me of your sweetie talk right you're having a mojo or drumstick rubbish you get me you guys have a serious sweetie offer for me boy clothes panic as well i've got bon bons i wasn't sure what to do used to be big like that is small in it so you can have to do better than a one bar if you want to see my dick right what do you mean neverland yeah we live in exciting times anyway you know it's very exciting being in london you know the olympics we didn't really want the olympics until we heard france might get it british people no no all that running and jumping [Music] what france are gonna get it bollocks will have it only in london would we have to have a poster campaign saying back to bid no [ __ ] off it will be rubbish don't you think that's a bizarre response to that question would you like the oldest most historically significant athletic competition the world has ever known attracting athletes from every known nation on the face of the planet to come here and perform at the peak of their abilities in the very city where you live most british people go where will we park because it's all residents around here his others going nah man the tubes will be packed you get me people getting on the underground with like javelins and [ __ ] coming and escalate with a shot put health and safety boy and there's a whole other section of british society going you up the olympics let a load of foreigners in once you can run and jump and swim you let them in you'll never [ __ ] catch them supposed to be overrun with lycra refugees you're having a laughing [ __ ] mate they'll pull them little numbers off their jackets you watch them they're sneaky i read about it in the mail as much as you want to save animals i'm pretty sure you're not going to do it by buying cosmetics pretty sure you can't walk into the body shop and buy some burdock root peppermint oil foot scrub and some little badger somewhere in scotland is going to go wow i feel a whole lot better about my life right now that burdock root peppermint oil foot scrub i don't see the point in testing cosmetics on rabbits anyway because they're already cute lattice and lip gloss and eyeliner all over now they're all gussied up like some three dollar [ __ ] there's no dignity in that for a rabbit whatsoever you want to test out cosmetics test them out on big game because they stink by their hippopotamus there and get some roll-on deodorant under his armpit see how fresh and self-assured he stays all day huh put a lip gloss on a beaver real bieber stay with me fella damn building log eating beaver he's charged through 60 logs and he's still wearing that lip gloss that's some damn good lip gloss right there ladies and gentlemen you know this whole thing about you ever meet someone famous and you tell your friends and then they say well what was he like because all they really want to hear is that he was a prick somebody like to say tom cruise is the nicest guy in hollywood and i always think well if i was making 8 million a film i'd be nice too jesus christ but i'm not sure he is that nice because i always read these articles about how he's so insular and he's into his scientology and he you know stays at a hotel won't make eye contact with anyone in the hotel because he doesn't want to talk about the plots to his new films apparently as if staring tom cruise in the face he would just crack under pressure what are you staring at hey you want to hear about my new film tom cruise film i couldn't figure out the plot in about 18 seconds oh christ he's a cocktail maker he's a pretty good cocktail maker too until he has a crisis of confidence and can't make cocktails anymore he meets a good-looking woman who talks him into being a better cocktail maker a riveting piece of cinema that was then he's a race car driver pretty good race car driver too so he has a crisis of confidence he can't raise cars anymore then he meets a good looking woman who talks to him into being about a race car driver then he's a jet pilot so he's starting to see a pattern emerge here pretty good jet pilot yes he was prices of confidence couldn't fly jets any more than i believe he met a good-looking woman who took him into being a better jet pilot then he was a sports agent was the brother of a [ __ ] guy he was a pretty good brother [ __ ] guy until he had a crisis of confidence he wasn't so sure he was such a good brother a [ __ ] guy and then he had a good looking woman he told him to be in a brother jimmy with some kind of i don't know what he's in now war of the worlds maybe he fights the world you know what i bet he's a pretty good world fighter but at some point i probably have a crisis of confidence you don't need a good looking woman who convinces him it's okay to fight the world to be a scrabble player for all i care a pretty good scramble plan until he draws all vowels as a crisis of consonants and he meets a lovely welsh woman who teaches him a lot of words he's never heard before we're here to talk about relationships let's crack straight on with the first slide making don't know don't laugh at that that's not that's not meant to be funny please let's not have another folks done on our hands please making divorce work now given that it is a rocky ride an emotional roller coaster i start off with a joke ladies and gentlemen just to loosen us up here it is if you're going to get divorced you have to be like the man in the toll booth why is that keith well you have to be willing to accept this is the joke change it's a zinger it's a zinger when you divorce there is sweeping change changes right across your life in every area one of the first things to change is the locks you make please don't laugh at that please please you may come home one day and find that your key no longer fits your wife's lock another man's key is fitting your wife's lock stop that stop it stop i'm stamping on that riaz with a zed please stop it it's not that sort of a show well i mean it's not a show is it it's it's a talk but it's not smart so you may come home and find that your key no longer fits the lock good yes it can and it can be very difficult to tell why a relationship is going to go wrong why is that well i think it's because at the beginning of any relationship when two people get together there's always a sense of of what hammersmith at the beginning of a relationship a sense of pardon worry no anyone else at the beginning of a relationship a sense of [Applause] foreboding foreboding is the wrong answer lust lust no no no uncertainty there's always a sense of uncertainty a feeling of will they want them and there's no way of please hammersmith take it seriously we're talking about emotions a sense of will they won't they and there's no hammersmith i will walk off the stage please there's no way of predicting when a couple get together whether or not the relationship will work will it last a long time no not a chance in hell will they stick together no no will the marriage endure yes yes lee and leslie now lee and leslie are a lesson to us all they've made a marriage work so why is it then that when they can make a marriage work so many others can't paul simon said there are 50 ways to leave your lover one [Applause] hammer smith time out please start to take it seriously one slip out the back jack two make a new plan stand and 48 others i've got a great review this morning actually prompt and efficient payer ebay you see i might not be the best comedian you'll see tonight but there's one thing you can guarantee if you buy a haines manual for a 1982 ford capri from me you know it's going to be and i quote nicely packaged [Applause] so i'll tell you about myself my name is lee mack it's nice to have a name like lee because it's a short name so you don't get any nicknames in the playground which was always good apart from lee lee stinks away never bothered me if i'm going to be honest my middle name's gordon so i used to get gordon is a [ __ ] so i'll get lily stinks of wii and he are they over 60 quid these shoes if i'm going to be honest my surname's not actually mac it's mckillip so i used to get lee mckillip silly little pillock he's a little [ __ ] stinks of wee-wee 36 years old get out of our playground you dirty old pervert see names are very important names are very important that's why johnny wilkins is so good at rugby it's just his name in it johnny wilkinson that's a proper macho rugby in a minute johnny wilkinson johnny wilkinson named after the two most macho products you can get on the british market the rubber condom on the triple-headed razor the australian fly house called elton flatley that's not quite as hard as it named after the two campus men in showbiz johnny wilkerson's got all these moves going on the man's going rocky man daniel my brother will you kick it probably oh leave me alone having fun [Applause] that's my vague attempts at riverdance in case you all did well as well it's very easy to do river dance you've just got to stand there going can you smell dog [ __ ] can you smell god who's stood in dog [ __ ] is it me what's [ __ ] like i don't believe it that's absolutely disgusting [Music] so um so it is good news britain getting the olympics oh get over it that was months ago it's not really live it says apollo as well but we're not on the [ __ ] moon aren't we i don't like the dirty tactics of the french stride saying we have crap food in britain you read that we've got crap food if there's any french people in the audience all right our food might not be as nice as yours you can laugh all you like but you lot will never have the pleasure of coming home as a 14 year old boy thinking you only getting beans on toast and then going oh hello there's little sausages in there so um i'm actually from the north of england so i don't really care about the olympics or athletics any sports i care about is uh football shove me domestic violence i like watching the gymnastics though i love watching the journal because i love that they do beginnings to get everyone's attention when they go that's just to make sure everyone's watching it and just in case there's any doubt they throw one of these in [Music] look at me [Music] occasionally they mess that up here's the favorite from bulgaria she gets a perfect ten she'll win gold let's see if she can do it jesus three years concentrate on the triple axel and the thing i never bargained for with the kids is that they get sent home with homework from what the age of three now is it yeah don't they what a total waste of time what these teachers don't understand about children of that age group is that you can divide them into two categories there's the first kind of child who will look at a piece of paper with a sum on it and think three and three equals six then there's the other kind of child who eats the paper where's your homework in fact the only thing kids use homework for is just a ploy to stay up later when it's bedtime they deliberately don't tell you don't they keep it back they don't tell you they've got homework they hold it back they're playing their cards close to their chest they're waiting for that moment come on you've seen your program turn the television off after bed i still have homework to do i think that trumps you sir so you had i think a homework and you have to do the homework with them because they can't concentrate for more than two minutes at an age you've got to sit with them actually keep them there at the table if you don't you go back after two minutes they'll be out in the garden swinging on something you go what the hell are you doing what are you doing you made me oh sorry i felt like having a swing or something instead so you have to stand over them while they're doing it they have to do this my kids have this spelling thing they have to copy out their spelling every night i don't know if it's humanly possible to move your hand across paper any slower than they're doing at that stage in their writing career but what i am saying is i find they're [ __ ] agonizing watching four minutes later i've done it that's good that's the first letter done well done i got to the point with the homework that i couldn't watch it being done anymore i had had enough of this you know and uh i was tucking them all in i've done it with three others the other three kids and then there's last one i haven't done my homework and i couldn't face it anymore i snapped you know i said well you know what leave it leave it i imagine if you do leave it that something will have happened by the morning and i did i went downstairs got my pencil out and i did it myself i did the homework i did on my left hand so it looked like proper crap writing real method job i have my tongue sticking out halfway through i went out in the garden and have a swing on something came back in had a glass of milk and a biscuit got on with the rest of it and i did it myself whizzed it off don't do it yourself please this is my story don't don't do it yourself because if you do you get hooked you get hooked on doing it you can't go back to watching it being done you have to do it yourself and you start to look forward to it you look forward to the homework it's like a little quiz every day it got so bad i was doing it night after night over his spelling list but the trouble is i can't spell i really can't spell hopeless i mean in fact after four weeks we got called into the school very sorry to say that your son is educating yourself normal take a look at his spelling i think it says it all so what can i say i can't admit i can't say it was me so uh well he's in a home now you

Channel: BBC Comedy Greats

Views: 248,668

Keywords: bbc, bbc comedy greats, bbc comedy, comedy greats, british comedy, stand up, Sitcom, Comedian, Comic, Dara O Briain, Lee Mack, Jack Dee, Julian Clary, Rob Brydon, Marcus Brigstocke, Rich Hall, british comedy stand up, Hammersmith Apollo, Live Comedy, Live Stand Up, Dara Ó Briain, Comedy Club, UK Comedy, Best British Stand Up Comedy, best british stand up comedy compilation, live at the apollo bbc comedy greats, Live at the Apollo, bbc comedy shows, comedy greats best bits

Id: ekGW-WUqiQc

Length: 41min 26sec (2486 seconds)

Published: Thu Jan 21 2021