Lawyers Share Funny Court Arguments (Lawyer Stories r/AskReddit)

lawyers offered it what's the most ridiculous argument you've heard in court as a corporate lawyer the most ridiculous argument I come across almost monthly is as follows 14500 company signs a garbage contract and is going to lose a lot of money due to the plain language of that contract 14500 company argues unconscionability specifically that said company was not sophisticated enough to read the contract and no reasonable person would ever agree to the terminal terms in dispute in some multi-billion dollar firms claiming they're incapable of reading contracts law student former professors story defendant busted for possession of narcotics they were in the pocket of his leather jacket he argues the search was illegal because with his buttery smooth leather jacket there's no way the officer would have felt the drugs in his pocket during a pat-down so he shouldn't have reached in the pocket to find the drugs in the first place judge asks if the jacket is the one he was currently wearing in court it was judge asks to feel this jacket and the pockets defendant hands it to the bailiff judge finds more drugs in the pocket needless to say it didn't go well for him I was a juror but this was a heck of a defense defendant ran through a red light and crossed against traffic in front of an officer she was over twice the limit it wasn't her fault she had a cut on her arm that her dog licked the yeast from the dog's saliva entered her bloodstream and converted her blood sugar into alcohol an opposing attorney the other day said I should not cross-examine his witness at a preliminary hearing because it would only home the witnesses testifying skills to be cross-examined at trial I laughed out loud some douche in my law school class warned me that his debating skills had been honed in the most unforgiving of internet forums he meant it you neurotically a lady has an injury comp case it's for her upper back and of course complex regional pain syndrome she decides she needs the insurance company to pay for a special mattress for her like a six thousand dollar memory foam with heat and massage and a thousand other features and not just a twin she needs a California king because of course early about on in Floyd boyfriend needs to sleep there too we spend months litigating the sling thing finally she buys it herself and my client agrees to give her $1500 just to be done with it the judge takes myself and opposing counsel aside and says he's been an etheric us if we ever say the word mattress in his quarter game after wasting all this time it was that ridiculous not three months go by and the case comes on for another hearing after exhausting all the chiropractic care allowed under the law her doctor was seeking a variance to get some additional chiropractic we get to court and I'm arguing it should be denied etc judge turns to her and says mom why do you feel you need more chiropractic care she pauses for a minute then says I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping on my mattress I think I saw smoke coming out of his ears in family court hearing a motion for entry of a restraining order for an abusive husband husband's lawyer argues that in the marriage there is implied consent for a certain amount of abuse violence to heaven to strangle hold old lady slipped and fell on an icy driveway which was not sorted or maintained so she wanted to sue for damages after hearing the story turns out the lady fell on her own driveway which she did not soul maintained and she was wanting to see herself had a pro se litigant argue that she didn't owe the credit-card company because Jesus the basic argument was that debt is a sin or maybe not paying the debt was a sin and Jesus died for all of our sins therefore Jesus died to pay off her debt brilliant I was in the public gallery for this while studying law I was not the lawyer Leeds crown caught back in the early 90s 75 y/o foreign yes this is important man was facing a preliminary hearing at relating to charges that he had intimately touched a 30 new relative his barrister made a successful plea for bail based upon this man being an established pillar of the immigrant community and the judge asked the old man if he had anything to say before he was bailed until the next hearing in a month he made two comments she was wearing very very tight shorts and I should not be held responsible because no real man could resist see something like that the judge reminded his this was a preliminary hearing not a trial cell he should wait until the trial to argue his case especially statements that are far from exculpatory and are better suited to mitigation - I cannot ray appear in a month because I am flying back to my home country tomorrow and will not be coming back the barrister appeared to be just as surprised as the rest of us the judge ordered the defendants passport seized and he was remanded in custody until his trial recovering small business BK attorney here was in bankruptcy court on a motion of my own when a very young attorney gets up to argue his position his request was denied in pre hearing disposition young attorney yeah Your Honor I believe your reading of the three cases you have cited is incorrect bankruptcy court judge bkj you think that do you yeah yes your honor I don't think the bankruptcy appellate panel believed these cases would be used in this fashion and I think you are miss reading the otoscope bkj okay tell me as those are BAP opinions who wrote those opinions yeah I'm not sure your honor I didn't check bkj in the future you may want to check those sorts of things all three cases were authored by the judge you just told didn't understand his own writing yeah blank stare bkj fess up in Jesus son I wrote those opinions yeah oh well I still think they're wrong bkj request denied get the heck out of my courtroom it was quite possibly the most awkward type of walk of shame I've ever seen as he gathered his things and left not a lawyer but I was in traffic court in the cab driver had got a ticket for running a red he argued that it was really difficult to see because the Sun was rising morning right where the light was he was travelling West that sounds like a phoenix wright attorney case lawyer here during an order of protection hearing the 6 feet 3 inches muscular tattooed idiot told the judge that my 5 feet 1 inch his female client the black eye he gave her because she wouldn't stop running her mouth he actually expected the judge to be sympathetic or something the second he admitted to hitting her the judge cut him off and said order of protection granted next case not in court but a conversation in my office it doesn't matter if you were sober or not you jumped out of a third-story window with a be a bottle and threw it at a cop the jury is going to think you were drunk also I think you were drunk hands down the most ridiculous argument I've ever had was a constitutionalist pro se defendant trying to explain why the court lacked jurisdiction over him I was prepared for the standard arguments about Freeman on the land non-corporate natural person Admiralty court etc but this one was different this particular defendant was part of a Jehovah's Witness compound and happened to be marshal he's American that says he was black after the court patiently explained to him that it has jurisdiction over all persons in the county the defendant promptly piped up that under the Dred Scott decision he wasn't a person in the court had no jurisdiction not so much ridiculous as ghastly but a man accused of having non-consensual terkoz with his own daughter saying he couldn't have done so because he had a 9-inch dong and it would have caused her damage and that the physical signs of intimate activity that she did exhibit were because she'd been screwing the family dog I don't do criminal law anymore that was enough for me I'd left the firm by the time it actually got to trial but was kept in the loop about the case by friends still there he was found guilty and went off to prison this came in a deposition but it's still one of my funniest stories from this old job I worked part time as a paralegal when I was in college we had this massive case with a lot of people involved that had spun out into a bunch of little side cases in one of those side cases this guy was claiming our client had left him threatening voicemails related to the main case and him and his wife sued for loss of consortium loss of consortium and I swear to you this is a real thing basically means something happened that is stopping a married couple from sleeping together and they want to see you over it the guy was claiming that he was so scared from these voicemails that he couldn't sleep with his wife anymore deposition time rolls around and I'm sitting in the other room but it's a small office and I can hear everything my boss starts asking the wife how is supposed to know that it was our clients fault they stopped sleeping together maybe she's just not as attracted to him anymore maybe he's not attracted to her maybe they didn't have that much other intimate life to begin with etc so this woman starts yelling I love freaking and banging her fists on the table a lawyers try to calm her down and tell her to stop talking but she keeps on shouting our love frickin we used to Frick two three times a day we'd be thrown out of hotels because of the noise we'd makin to the protestation of everyone in the room her council and ours she proceeded to describe their intimate history in graphic detail all of which was recorded in the deposition and filed with the court former assistant state attorney prosecutor here this defendant is called up for arraignment and the judge is telling him that he's been charged with theft for stealing a rolloff scratch-off tickets from a gas station the judge informs the defendant that since the value of the tickets was over $300 therefore it's a felony rather than a misdemeanor the defendant says to the judge but your honor to be fair the tickets were all losers implying it's not theft at all I was amazed at the ingenious nurse yet futility of the argument traffic court speeding ticket Your Honor I didn't speed and I can prove it with logic judge a ki I lady I Drive a Prius judge lady that proves I'm responsible specifically in the realm of cars so I obviously wouldn't speed she had to pay the ticket she should have argued the press lacks enough power to speed even if one wanted to I'm not a lawyer nor could I talk out the time during a custody battle between my grandparents and my mom and dad who were addicts the judge asks why my parents should have custody well we are his parents the judge says well you guys have substance abuse issues no we don't so you're not using anything no we're both clean when is the last time you've used a few days ago and we're done now my grandparents won that day in court this story has been told to me a few times by my grandfather actual lawyer what I got the surprise party defense in a hearing for an order of protection in which ex-wife is trying to get an order of protection against ex-husband who had been stalking her they have a high school-age child together ex-husband tries to argue against the order of protection by saying they may need to be able to communicate about the child the judge points out that they can communicate through the child and also that other family members have been put in place by the juvenile court to be intermediaries ray pickup drop-off etc then ex-husband has a brilliant lightbulb idea judge what if I need to throw my son a surprise party and I need to keep it secret from everyone but his mom still needs to know so she doesn't throw a party the same day in other words while I admit have been stalking my ex-wife and that there are grounds to grant an order of protection you should not grant that order just in case I need to throw a surprise party one day what made it was how clever he thought the argument was thus was born the surprise party defense this never made it to court I asked my divorce lawyer what was the worst thing a client had asked him to argue I was expecting I want the salad spinner sort of story he had a client a professor in his 70s who was divorcing from his wife also a professor in her 70s they were both Jewish his wife had a tattoo on her arm it was a number put there by the Nazis when they put her in a concentration camp in World War two as a child husband was born in the US was not German the German government was in the process of settling a case with the survivors she had some amount of money a six-figure sum due to her tattoo the husband wanted his lawyer to argue that he should get half the settlement money lawyer told him that there was a special circle in heck for lawyers who asked for stuff like that and that he was not planning on ending up there lost the other lawyer but his client took the stand in a retail theft trial claimed he didn't steal a couple salmon filets on purpose he was just so flustered by phone conversation with his girlfriend that he accidentally slipped them into the pockets of his jacket in a part of the store the loss prevention officer called shoplifter Ali because it's a blind spot for the cameras and walked out without realizing it it's not like it was a candy bar or something small it was two salmon fillets I asked him have you ever done that before him number me have you ever seen anyone anywhere ever put fish like that in their pocket in your entire light him number mercifully the jury did not buy his ludicrous story and found him guilty I am a lawyer had a female inmate claimed she was touched inappropriately by one of the guards one of her most damning pieces of testimony was testifying to this large vertical scar he had on his chest from a heart operation she continued to say that she remembered this huge scar from when he touched her the guard got on the stand took his shirt off and he had a tan iiiii horizontal scar up on his shoulder case over he had apparently told her one time that he had surgery and she assumed it would have left his giant scar and used that to make up her story there was the case in Georgia a while back where a kid claimed a teacher touched her during the trial somehow testimony involving something the kids said about the shape her breasts came up turned out the teacher had had a double mastectomy the kid was describing breasts that didn't exist for so a lawyer had opposing counsel try to argue that because it landlady had written on her eviction notice it has been a pleasure getting to know you Bert please leave but had testified they were all full tenants that she hated that she was dishonest and nothing she said could be trusted not a lawyer but when my mom was killed by a drunk driver we were filing a wrongful death suit and the lawyer for the defense used my mom's cancer to say that she was going to die anyways so a wrongful death dispensation was not owed not a lawyer but I do have a story for this this happened while I was working as a medical assistant one of our diabetic patients got a speeding ticket while his blood glucose was low and he seemed to be under the impression that this would be an ironclad excuse to get him out of it he calls our office one day and I answer Petey will be the patient me dr. X's office thread acquittals speaking how may I help you Petey hello I need the doctor to write a letter for me me I can definitely help with that what is the letter for Petey I got a speeding ticket last weekend and I'm going to contest it I need a letter from the doctor stating that I have diabetes and that it impairs my ability to drive so it wasn't my fault I was speeding me me let me run through this with you just so I'm clear what you're asking for Petey okay me you want the letter stating you have diabetes Petey yes me and you wanted to say your diabetes impairs your ability to drive Petey yes me and you believe telling the judge that your diabetes impairs your ability to drive we'll get him to throw out the ticket Petey yes me I don't think that's a good idea sir Petey what why me even if they agree with your argument and toss out a ticket which I doubt they will if you tell them that you have a medical condition that impairs your driving ability I'm pretty sure they'll take your license away Petey no no see I'm only impaired when my blood sugar is low me right but this would go on for a few minutes before I told him I'd ask the doctor and see what he thinks and surprisingly the doctor agreed with me said he would lose his license if he did that so we didn't write the letter but he still brought this argument to traffic court the patient is now driven to his appointments by his family members I wasn't a lawyer but a law clerk working with the prosecutor's office this guy was caught on the highest quality security cam video I've ever seen stabbing a store clerk like 15 times she survived and then was tackled a block away from the scene not five minutes later by a man who had seen him flee and followed him 25 feet from the knife and the jacket he'd been wearing that was covered in blood with a receipt with his name on it in the pocket it was a literal definition of a slam-dunk case the guy chose to proceed to trial without his lawyer instead of having the case postponed after his attorneys house was broken into and all his files of a stolen this guy's his main argument was that it wasn't him because of the statement of probable cause written by the officers after the incident they misspelled his highly unique last name by adding a T in the middle for example Johnson became Johnston he spelled his name out at every opportunity with much emphasis he also argued it couldn't be him because of the man on the video tied a t-shirt around his head so that the distinctive tattoos there would be hidden but he would never cover over his tattoos like that because he was proud of them and they represented his heritage as a Korean man the jury took less than a half hour to return a guilty verdict you have been visited by the be humble be stay humble and believe in yourself if you are new to the channel you can subscribe I publish new videos every day until then check out another video or don't either way have a great day you magnificent people [Music]

Channel: Updoot

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Id: zKkBSGdaI6E

Length: 18min 45sec (1125 seconds)

Published: Tue Sep 10 2019