How Can A Client Be This Stupid? (Lawyer Stories r/AskReddit)

lawyers offered it what is the dumbest thing your client has ever done wore a shirt that said natural-born killer on it to a hearing for an assault charge my all-time favorite is a client I had who was charged with driving under the influence DUI who wanted to challenge the charges on the ground as he didn't think he was drunk and the tests was administered improperly who appeared at his court hearings rip-roarin drunk twice and then both times he got into his car and tried to drive away and both times the police promptly stopped him administered a breathalyzer on charged him with DUI and related offenses we didn't win that case I was in court contesting a traffic ticket and saw something like this the guy was in court for a DUI and was seven sheets to the wind he was taken out in shackles fell over twice told a client don't say anything to the police wait until I get there confesses to a crime he wasn't being investigated for not my client but I was on the prosecutors side when a defendant failed to appear for court his attorney can't reach him nobody know where he is so we all sit there for about half an hour until the judge gets sick of it and moves on with the docket we found out later that day that the defendant decided to rob a seven stroke 11:00 the night before and was sitting in jail two counties over when he should have been in court well he did need money to pay his lawyer Clark do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth client no had a client show up to a child custody hearing hile methamphetamine when she arrived she began screaming at the judge and demanding that her no good em head baby daddy be drug tested I took her in the hallway and told her that if the judge ordered a drug test for the dad he would have to what a one for her end of argument judge was determining if a defendant qualified for a public defender judge sir do you have any income defendant yes your honor judge from what source do you have income defendant selling marijuana Your Honor honesty is the best policy unless it involves telling a judge you sell weed for a living I represent clients before the IRS had a couple who owed around 250,000 dollars in back taxes we had no defense so the only thing to do was have the clients meet with the IRS and plead for leniency well the wife got arrogant with the IRS agent and at one point stood up and screamed at the IRS agent who was a pretty decent person making a very middle-class wage you'll take away my Mercedes over my dead body then she stormed out of the conference room needless to say she lost the Mercedes not a lawyer but this happened in court my dad was suing a customer for non-payment the judge ruled in his favor for the whole 15k the guy he was suing got up to leave but walked over to my dad and said if you think you are going to see a dime of that money you are a frickin [ __ ] I will kill you first he then walked away for a second my dad was worried the guy would get away with the threat but he didn't worry much because the guy had said him loud enough for the bailiff and the judge to hear he did not make it out of the courtroom my dad was a lawyer in the Navy one of his first big cases was defending a guy accused of falling asleep at his post during Vietnam my dad was all psyched delivering what he thought was well-prepared defense to the judge the judge interrupted him telling him to turn around and wake up his client a client in a PI case claiming damage to their lower back posted pictures of themselves to their Facebook page riding jet skis and horses accidentally admitted to the crime in his direct examination the case had gone on for years client was badly injured in a car accident and was about to win Millions then she posted a facebook status about her doing something very active and thus negating the entire case had to settle for $100,000 years of work down the drain in one facebook status attorney servant off process this is Jen from judge grandpa faces office your client who I see is charged with harassing phone calls left has 87 messages over the weekend the judge would like a word with you you see Your Honor I couldn't be the one heresy my ex because I spent my weekend harassing you I had a brilliant gentleman on probation for narcotics trafficking and was not permitted to own use a cell phone he went in for a drug test with his probation officer and his cell rang in his pocket the PIO went to take the phone from his pocket and also pulled out a large baggie of drugs that he brought to his drug test hey B and C are drinking and playing cards a shoots B with a crossbow just happened to have one B staggers out into the street where naturally he attracts some attention a flees police follow blood trail back to the scene to find C my eventual client mopping up the blood placing the crossbow bolt in a garbage bag and generally tidying up a charged with tampering with evidence I never understood why his internal housewife took over and kept him from calling 9-1-1 she has a restraining order on you you absolutely cannot contact her anymore they moved in together guys convicted of some traffic related offense loses his driver's license effective immediately gets in the car and drives home along with his lawyer not my client and not my case but a colleague was defending a driver in a wrongful death case the first question at his deposition was please state your name for the record the driver stood up and started screaming at the plaintiff's attorney and threatened to kill him that went well client shows up for prelim hearing on domestic violence petition is wearing ratty shirt but his attorney doesn't pay attention to it attorney starts arguing and sees a judge turning bright red fuming with anger judge asks the attorney if he spoke with his client about courtroom attire attorney looks down client is wearing a shirt that says I have the Dongs so I make the rules story from a friend of mine he was defending a guy in court don't remember what he was charged with the main witness for prosecution was on the stand and was asked if she could identify the defendant she was scanning the courtroom and seemed confused my friend was already silently celebrating because if she couldn't identify him he could probably get all charged as he was mentally adding this case to the wind file he happened to glance over at his client who had just helpfully raised his hand to make it easier for her to identify him even the judge fess up armed on that one my law teacher would tell stories about a juvenile court he used to work in in one of the more questionable areas of California apparently they had a real problem with defendants coming in with sagging pants and court officials showing up in beach clothes the judge finally got so fed up with it that he kept a box of rope for an impromptu belt and a box of neckties behind his desk and he'd begin court proceedings by lobbying ample amounts of both over his stand at any one he felt was in need of them I work as a legal aid lawyer in a Canadian province I have had many damn clients who did many done things wara smoked weed everyday' t-shirt while attending their drug trafficking producing trial attempted to smuggle cigarettes to their inmate partner via their baby's diaper intentionally poop their pants on the way to court to delay their matter denied driving under the influence upon search by police a full highball glass of rum and coke was located in their jacket pocket guy came in and said he wanted to see oral-b because their toothbrushes kept cutting his gums he asked if I wanted to see his evidence I said no but he's still proceeded to dump a grocery bag of used slightly bloodied toothbrushes onto my desk doing a trial for client in a Circuit Court about an hour outside of the city I operate in client decides to get a cab out there and tells the driver they'll pay them when they arrive client arrives in this community and gets the driver to stop at local convenience store across the street from the courthouse client proceeds to attempt to steal 526 ounce bottles of rum and is promptly arrested and taken into custody trial is postponed as we spend the day unsuccessfully applying for bail I am NOT a lawyer but this worked out super well for me I was hit by this 65 year old drunk lady the cops knew her husband who was a firefighter and so they didn't brief allies or do any tests and didn't charge her with DUI my empties had said that lady is so drunk she's going to buy you a ticket to Disney World which is how I knew that she was drunk at the time of the accident but I had no proof to bring to the table in the lawsuit because if the cops didn't charge or make notes then you cannot add it later so we get to my deposition and she shows up she argues with me the entire time over my points and her lawyer keeps having to tell her that she needs to be quiet mind you this lady had ruined my friends and my lives so I was becoming less than patient with her calling me a liar when she got off scot-free she exclaims to my lawyer even the police report is wrong what do you mean it's wrong it has me coming from the wrong place where were you coming from my friends bar kamo really did you have any drinks at this bar well yeah how many I don't know they don't charge me they just keep refilling my class TLDR lady exclaims that she was drinking and driving when she could have gotten off scot-free during a divorce the ex-husband claimed that he didn't make much or any money and wasn't able to pay the child support we were asking him to pay a few hours after receiving this information he posts a picture on his public facebook of a wad of cash talking about how balan he was a needless to say his claim didn't hold up after that I got your domestic violence charges dismissed goes home after hearing and beats up wife not my client Benton a well known prisoner civil rights suit the prisoner acting pro se of course filed a motion to kiss my ass in which he requested that America at large and one corrupt judge bend over and kiss his ass the motion was denied at first appearance a defendant stood there calmly and quietly when the judge was reading his charges under bond information when the judge asked if the defendant had any questions the defendant gave the judge the finger and said Frick you mothersucker go freak yourself and then proceeded to throw down the Micra phone and walk away the judge who had been on the bench for years replied well I guess I'll let you know when my fan club meets my sister is a public defender she recently had a sharp lift in case where the defendant was caught in possession of stolen goods which happened to match a list also in his possession entitled crap to steal from Walmart so I am a law student but I work at a volunteer desk that helps people complete the forms for court the awful part is I can't give any legal advice since I'm not a lawyer which means I can't tell these people they don't have a case however the stories are great there the lady who sues celebrities she asked me to help her sue Robert DeNiro someone else helped her with a suit for Matthew McConaughey she was doing it on behalf of her kids and their fathers for in excess of $100 million dollars she didn't even know how to spell their names then there's the guy who is suing DirecTV CNN Fox and who knows who else apparently he's the one you have to thnk for putting color on your TV shows and adding animation he was suing because they hadn't paid him ever finally there's the lady who is suing her former employer for giving her too much money on her last paycheck she told me they did it because they liked her and wanted her to come back there was maybe 60 extra dollars on the check she was suing for ten thousand dollars not a lawyer but in court for a ticket apparently the cop lost the ticket book so there was no official evidence the judge said the next fifteen on the docket I was luckily one of the 15 just needed to say not guilty since there was no evidence one [ __ ] got up there and started to argue that he was only going five miles per hour over not ten the judge looked at him and said son just say not guilty the guy again said but I wasn't going that fast the judge laughed and repeated again son just say two words for me not in guilty the guy confused mumbled not guilty in the form of a question the judge said dismissed everyone in the courtroom laughed and clapped for him so I was representing a kid accused of conspiracy to supply crack he was accused of acting as a lookout warning the others whenever the police were approaching he had a fantastic case and it looked like he was going to win on the day of trial he turned up for trial wearing a huge t-shirt with the Warner Brothers logo on above and below the WB logo was printed if you see the pigs Warner brother he refused to change he was convicted my client tried to pay a fine with counterfeit money not a lawyer here still in law school but assisting lawyers with cases one day we got involved in a caretaking debate for an old woman a daughter and an attorney were declared legal guardians for her due to dementia and her high age her niece got dis involved questioning the motives of the daughter as an assigned legal guardian long story short her motives were definitely questionable and the case seemed to be a piece of cake for us then the niece our client took the old lady away to a senior citizen home to guarantee she was taken care well off her intentions were gold unfortunately daughter and attorney were still legal guardians and had the right to determine the place of residence in the end our client was charged with kidnapping and we lost the case my high school best friend's father is a lawyer and I remember him telling me the story years ago he gets a client who was being charged with a DUI he asks the client what happened in the client states that he had two drinks get stopped and the police wrongly charged him with driving under the influence my friend's dad then looked over the evidence as any good lawyer would do come to find out there was video evidence from a dashcam his client on video was visibly drunk and he described it as being he'll be stupid to think he was sober he was convinced there wasn't much he could do with this there's icing on the cake though when the police officer went to give him the brief loser his client has heard stating I'm too drunk to use this link thing I'm a law student but I have internship stories we had the client who was convicted of murdering his stepson before passing sentencing the judge asked if he had anything to say to the court he replied I only freaked up when I didn't kill my wife to life sentence another client upon being pulled over and being asked if he had any drugs or alcohol in the car voluntarily told the office that he didn't but did have eh he sold in his hotel room he then kindly escorted the officer there and gave it to him we had a client charged with selling crack in order to determine if he qualified for a public defender the judge asked if he had any way he made an income and Dee replied well you know from selling coke I bet I can't think of more two attacks a courtroom deputy during his trial where one of the issues was whether or not he was a danger to the community my lawyer brother once got a contempt of court charge dismissed against his client by begging for mercy using a Forrest Gump like the fence mark client is not a smart man immediately after the charge was dismissed the client turned and in front of the entire court punched my brother in the mouth yelling who are you callin dumb client was promptly arrested arguing for my client to be released on his own recognizance a he says he spins a lovely tale about how wonderful his fiancee is how supportive did he mention they are having a baby and he wants to get out of jail and take care of his soon-to-be wife and kid to support them properly the judge asks the courtroom could defendants fiance please approach the bench from opposite sides of the room two women stand up and start walking to the front one is about four months pregnant and the other is nearly nine months pregnant they are looking at each other with identical expressions of do the Fricker you could see the exact moment when each of them realized that be is frickin my man the fight started before they even got to counsels table pregnancy or not these chicks were seriously trying to kill one another the bailiffs had to stop laughing long enough to break up the fight my client says frick Your Honor I didn't think they'd both come the judge said he was denying for my clients own protection not my client but a lawyer friend of mine had a client who went on a double date with his friend he and his friend decided it would be a good idea to hook up with their respective dates in his van the problem is they had only one condom they decided to share it after one finished the other proceeded to invert the dirty condom and hook up with his girl the girl got pregnant from his friends sperm that was on the condom that he was wearing the result a very messy paternity suit not my client but I saw this accused bank robber at a bail hearing was told by the judge his bond was set at $100,000 and explained to him that meant he could post $10,000 in cash to be released pending trial he asked the accused if he had ten thousand dollars for bail the accused replied judge if I had ten thousand dollars I wouldn't have been robbing the bank the US attorney asked for a copy of the transcript easiest conviction ever [Music]

Channel: Updoot

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Id: w7t3d8JxjYI

Length: 18min 16sec (1096 seconds)

Published: Mon Aug 19 2019