Lawyers Almost Quitting Because Of Stupidity - (r/AskReddit)

our slash ass credit lawyers of Reddit what's the most ridiculous argument you've heard in court labor who is not practicing in court but when I was in college doing my bachelor's degree criminal law was part of the curriculum and this included spending a couple of days observing criminal trials the things you witness anyway at the start of one of these trials a guy with the greasiest mullet enters the room thin tall disproportionately sized limbs tattoos all over I swear the way he sat before the judge the only thing that was missing was a beer in his hand and a chicken under his arm now this guy chose not to have a lawyer represent him as he's a regular and spends short periods of time in jail or doing community service pretty much every month anyway real problem case drugs alcoholism etc but still he comes across as a really sympathetic dude and has a really entertaining way of telling a story while keeping a straight face and not realizing how funny he is he knows he's getting findind a couple of hours off cutting weeds as community service to keep our Dutch streets nice and tidy but tries to win the sympathies of the judge to decrease his sentence this man's dog was sent to a dog shelter when they found it malnourished a couple of weeks before when they brought him in for dealing real sad but also the reason he's standing trial the guy got high as a kite and drunk as an Irishman on st. Patrick's and while completely drugged out of his mind decided to get his dog back from the shelter because he really missed his girl the judge asks him if it's correct that he broke the lock and some of the camera equipment on site of the dog shelter and he confirms you could really tell from his passionate account of the progression of the evening that he did all this out of pure love as his dog according to him was the only thing that pulled him through all of his rough patches with his girlfriend and his drug problem so the judge orders camera footage to be shown to confirm that it is the suspect and he confirms on it he has seen stumbling about and wrenching one of the dog enclosures open and hugging a German Shepherd at this point everyone is touched by seeing this guy be so emotional on the camera footage with the dog it petting it and playing with it and you can see the judge really get into it as well anyway so this guy continues with historian tells about how he took the dog to his car and went home never feeling happier and his life and ends his account with the driest delivery of needless to say I was ducking surprised when I woke up the next day and there was a German Shepherd in my room instead of a Staffordshire Terrier everyone just broke out and laughter he didn't get what was funny turns out the dude stole the wrong dog judge sentenced him to 50 hours of community service and three thousand euros also repairs for the broken doors and camera equipment bruh TL DR guy tries to win sympathies of judge with passionate account of how he broke into a dog shelter and steal his dog back from animal services steals the wrong dog as a corporate lawyer the most ridiculous argument I come across almost monthly is as follows 14500 company signs a garbage contract and is going to lose a lot of money due to the plain language of apt contract 14500 company argues unconscionability specifically that said company was not sophisticated enough to read the contract and no reasonable person would ever agree to the terminal terms in dispute in some multi-billion dollar firms claiming they're incapable of reading contracts law student forum a professor story defendant busted for possession of narcotics they were in the pocket of his leather jacket he argues the search was illegal because with his buttery smooth leather jacket there's no way the officer would have felt the drugs in his pocket during a pat-down so he shouldn't have reached in the pocket to find the drugs in the first place judge asks if the jacket is the one he was currently wearing in court it was judge asks to feel this jacket and the pockets defendant hands it to the bailiff judge finds more drugs in the pocket needless to say it didn't go well for him I was a juror but this was a hell of a defense defendant ran through a red light and crossed against traffic in front of an officer she was over twice the limit it wasn't her fault she had a cut on her arm that her dog licked the yeast from the dog's saliva entered her bloodstream and converted her blood sugar into alcohol oh geez where do I start I mean I could tell plenty of these about my own clients but I like this one a lady has an injury comp case it's for her upper back and of course complex regional pain syndrome she decides she needs the insurance company to pay for a special mattress for her like a $6,000 memory foam with heat and massage and a thousand other features and not just a twin she needs a California king because of course her layabout unemployed boyfriend needs to sleep there too we spend months litigating this damn thing finally she buys it herself and my client agrees to give her one thousand five hundred dollars just to be done with it the judge takes myself and opposing counsel aside and says he's been a mother because if we ever say the word mattress in his quarter game after wasting all this time it was that ridiculous not three months go by and the case comes on for another hearing after exhausting all the chiropractic care allowed under the law her doctor was seeking a variance to get some additional chiropractic we get to court and I'm arguing it should be denied etc judge turns to her and says mum why do you feel you need more chiropractic care she pauses for a minute then says I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping on my mattress I think I saw smoke coming out of his ears I have a brief encounter personal injury prospect old ladies lifts and fell on an icy driveway which was not sorted or maintained so she wanted to sue for damages after hearing the story turns out the lady fell on her own driveway which she did not saw maintained she was wanting to see you herself I was in the public gallery for this while studying law I was not the lawyer Leeds crown caught back in the early 90s 75 y/o forum yes this is important man was facing a preliminary hearing at relating to charges that he had sexually touched a thirty new relative his barrister made a successful plea for bail based upon this man being an established pillar of the immigrant community and the judge asked the old man if he had anything to say before he was bailed until the next hearing in a month he made two comments she was wearing very very tight shorts and I should not be held responsible because no real man could resist see something like that the judge reminded his this was a preliminary hearing not a trial so he should wait until the trial to argue his case especially statements that are far from exculpatory and are better suited to mitigation I cannot reappear in a month because I am flying back to my home country tomorrow and will not be coming back the barrister appeared to be just as surprised as the rest of us the judge ordered the defendants passport seized and he was remanded in custody until his trial I heard this story from a cop a man was arrested for charges of assault and rape this was in Oklahoma and I'm in Texas so I'm not sure what the offense is called there anyway he was being accused of shoving the women on the ground where there was some debris and she sustained injuries hence the assault and then accused of violently raping her during court the injuries were mentioned the man representing himself objects alledgedly his exact words were so how do you know that the injuries were from when I pushed her down and not from when I raped her from what I heard the judges face was priceless girlfriend is already lurker posting on her behalf this is a story that my grandpa always tells so some of the details are fuzzy but this is the gist of it my grandpa was a public defender and this was a defense he used for one of his clients who was being accused of attempting to break into a car how it happened man number one is sitting in his house and he looks out the window and sees man number two next to a car parked in the street man number two is out there fiddling with the car door for like ten minutes and so man number one realizes he's trying to break into the car and calls the cops man number two runs and eventually man number three my grandpa's client is picked up nearby because he matched the description of man number two sir my grandpa's meeting with his client and telling him what he's accused of client asks wait what kind of car was it grandpa tells him client says I can prove that it wasn't me grandpa how client you said the guy was out there for 10 minutes I can break into that car in less than 20 seconds grandpa prove it so he finds one of whatever kind of car it was and the client proceeds to pick the lock in 12 seconds grandpa gets the judge out there and the client does it again for the judge who makes him do it one more time and then dismisses the case several years ago I was doing a civil trial personal injury defending a woman who allegedly hit at bus matron with her car we had offered to concede liability in just try damages in other words the jury wouldn't hear the circumstances of how the injury happened just that we agreed my client caused the injury and they would only decide the amount of damages we had evidence that the plaintiff was significantly exaggerating her injuries the plaintiff's attorney refused to agree to our concession thinking that if they jury heard the circumstances they'd want to give even more money to punish my client so we went to trial on liability the plaintiff called one witness a client who testified that an older woman in a green car hit her they rested and I moved for a dismissal for failure to prove a case there was literally no evidence connecting my clients to this incident just an older woman in a green car the plaintiff never bothered to call my clients to the stand the attorney told the judge that the bus driver had written down my clients license plate and gave it to the police they never bothered trying to find the bass driver the attorney asked if she could just put the police report in and I objected that it was hearsay the attorney then actually said please just let me put this in I haven't had work in a while and I got retained by a firm to try this case I really need to win this of course I didn't agree and the judge dismissed the case I felt a little bad for her but that was maybe the worst presentation of a case I ever saw I spoke with the jury afterwards and they all said they hated the plaintiff didn't believe a word she said and likely would have found in my favor anyway moral of the story be prepared in court recovering small business BK attorney here was in bankruptcy court on a motion of my own when a very young attorney gets up to argue his position his request was denied in pre hearing disposition young attorney yeah Your Honor I believe your reading of the three cases you have cited is incorrect bankruptcy court judge bkj you think that do you yeah yes your honor I don't think the bankruptcy appellate panel believed these cases would be used in this fashion and I think you are misreading the otoscope bkj okay tell me as those are Bab opinions who wrote those opinions yeah I'm not sure your honor I didn't shake bkj in the future you may want to check those sorts of things all three cases were authored by the judge you just told didn't understand his own writing Court audience mostly attorneys collective gasp yeah blank stare bkj fathom Jesus son I wrote those opinions yeah oh well I still think they're wrong bkj request denied get the hell out of my courtroom it was quite possibly the most Awkward type of walk of shame I've ever seen as he gathered his things and left not a lawyer but I was in traffic court in the cab driver had got a ticket for running a red he argued that it was really difficult to see because the Sun was rising morning right where the light was he was traveling west that sounds like a phoenix wright attorney case lawyer here during an order of protection hearing the 6 feet 3 inches muscular tattooed idiot told the judge that my 5 feet 1 inch his female client deserved the black eye he gave her because she wouldn't stop running her mouth he actually expected the judge to be sympathetic or something the second he admitted to hitting her the judge cut him off and said order of protection granted next case if this were a judge TV show case the judge would have to dong around a bit to fill the timeslot not in court but a conversation in my office it doesn't matter if you were sober or not you jumped out of a third-story window with a be a bottle and threw it at a cop the jury is going to think you were drunk also I think you were drunk I would seriously like to think for all you actual lawyers that moments like these make the Law School worth it holy crap that sentence makes me very happy not so much ridiculous as ghastly but a man accused of raping his own daughter saying he couldn't have done so because he had a 9-inch coke and it would have caused her damage and that the physical signs of sexual activity that she did exhibit were because she'd been screwing the family dog I don't do criminal law anymore that was enough for me edit lots of people asking what happened should probably have put that sin here originally I left the firm by the time it actually got to trial but was kept in the loop about the case by friends still there he was found guilty and went off to prison this came in a deposition but it's still one of my funniest stories from this old job I worked part time as a paralegal when I was in college we had this massive case with a lot of people involved that had spun out into a bunch of little side cases in one of those side cases this guy was claiming our client had left him threatening voicemails related to the main case and him and his wife sued for loss of consortium loss of consortium and I swear to you this is a real thing basically means something happened that is stopping a married couple from having sex and they want to see you over it the guy was claiming that he was so scared from these voicemails that he couldn't sleep with his wife anymore a deposition time rolls around and I'm sitting in the other room but it's a small office and I can hear everything my boss starts asking the wife how is supposed to know that it was our clients fault they stopped having sex maybe she's just not as attracted to him anymore maybe he's not attracted to her maybe they didn't have that much of a sex life to begin with etc so this woman starts yelling I love sex and banging her fists on the table a lawyers try to calm her down and tell her to stop talking but she keeps on shouting I love sex we used to have sex two three times a day we'd be thrown out of hotels because of the noise we'd make and to the protestation of everyone in the room her counsel and ours she proceeded to describe their sexual history in graphic detail all of which was recorded in the deposition and filed with the court former assistant state attorney prosecutor here this defendant is called up for arraignment and the judges telling him that he's been charged with theft for stealing a roll of scratch-off tickets from a gas station the judge informs the defendant that since the value of the tickets was over $300 therefore it's a felony rather than a misdemeanor the defendant says to the judge but your honor to be fair the tickets were all losers implying it's not theft at all I was amazed at the ingenious nurse yet futility of the argument I bet most prosecutors are amused when a defendant makes clearly incriminating statements during arraignment traffic court speeding ticket Your Honor I didn't speed and I can prove it with logic judge a ki i lady I Drive a Prius judge question mark lady that proves I'm responsible specifically in the realm of cars so I obviously wouldn't speed she had to pay the ticket she should have argued the Prius lacks enough power to speed even if one wanted to hog I have a story for this one I'm not a lawyer nor could I talk out the time during a custody battle between my grandparents and my mom and dad who were addicts the judge asks why my parents should have custody well we are his parents the judge says well you guys have substance abuse issues no we don't say you're not using anything no we're both clean when is the last time you've used a few days ago and were done now my grandparents won that day in court this story has been told to me a few times by my grandfather hello you made it to the end you're ducking beasts I'll cut you a deal smash like and subscribe for more curated content mod it's free and that's a great price

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Keywords: reddit, askreddit, askreddit funny, top posts, top posts of r/, r/, r/askreddit, reddit top posts, reddit compilation, top posts of all time, askreddit question, askreddit top posts, ask reddit, askreddit reading, subreddit, reddit stories, best of r/askreddit, funny reddit, best reddit posts, best of reddit, reddit ama, ask me anything, reddit ask me anything, r/IAmA, lawyers, court, argument

Id: Nfy1aX-zK2E

Length: 17min 21sec (1041 seconds)

Published: Wed Sep 04 2019