Ron Pearson

he's probably been on more television programs than anyone we've had on this program he's going to blow you away we please welcome Ron Pearson give it up keep it going for tour Ramsey don't read a love it love it you people are crazy you're coming out on a weeknight it's a weeknight you're out Columbus is wild you're not supposed to be having fun tonight you're supposed to be sitting at home going I got to go to work tomorrow I got to go to work you know what if this was a Friday or a Saturday night and you guys went home Saturday or Sunday morning people go you have fun last night and you go yes all right this is a week now you're not supposed to be having fun you go to work tomorrow people go you have fun last night you'll be like it was awesome some but late let's just I'm crazy let's just go outside do hands across the parking lot right now let's go anybody in here at anybody in here actually you guys remember Hands Across America did anybody in here do Hands Across America you did do you remember the cause No no we just went out we stood I don't know what I'm doing you guys remember that we tried to you don't even remember young man you weren't even born yet we tried to have a chain of people across this whole country from hand to hand to hand across the whole country you think that's gonna happen in this country no way you know somebody's gonna be out in the middle of Missouri gone how come no it'll hold my hand but somebody please hold my hand if I was running I would have made a game out of Americans look we love games man we love games I would've had a giant game I would have had a chain of all my friends across the whole country I was stood in the middle of the chain I wouldn't look the Pacific look to the Atlantic then I would looked up to Canada and gone Red Rover Red Rover send Billy right over apparently Mexico still thinks we're playing because they keep sending people and I say Pepe I did not say Pepe Pepe is the name of a small Spanish boy stay with me Sparky stay with daddy I'm right here okay I'm right here that was an easy one the kid got it man stay with me [Music] do you imagine if they did like hands across England it would have been like eight people all right what's on let's go you ever known as British we ever notice is there anybody here from England you ever notice British people British people you have to believe everything they say because their accent makes them sound like they are the smartest people they could be as dumb as a stick will still believe them because their accent makes them sound like they know everything right I mean if we don't believe them as Americans they'll fall with the phrase I'm not kidding and we go oh okay they can tell us anything that could be like we won the Revolutionary War I'm no kidding now Camilla parker-bowles is gorgeous now we have the best dental plan in the world I'm not kidding the British have really messed-up teeth I can't work with him can we rotate him out honestly honestly he's just looking up at me going I may not be a smart man but I do know what love is Jenny I came down to bananas and went in the front row not the best idea here in Ohio Jimmy anybody here from France anybody from France good let's talk about him you're French of the most negative people in the entire world they're negative people they could try and say something positive they have to end it negative they can't even make anything if it's trying to be positive they'll end it negative they'll come in the room and go you are having fun no I love people from Mexico - do we have anyone from Mexico I hope we do no no I love it when we have people from Mexico anytime you meet somebody from Mexico ask him what city they're from because someone from Mexico cannot smile and say the name of their city they have to put their mouth like there Tony Montana and after they start the name of the city they'd never close their mouth it's true then were you from Guadalajara where you from chi ha ha where you from suck it back out just turn it over and smile that's all we're saying I can't slow down for you anymore okay now these people are partiers they're movers they go go go go go I don't believe in Darwinism I don't want to leave you back I'm gonna go like this when the punchline comes okay you see that move right there cackle like a banshee my friend that's the move right there it's kind of subtle come to Papa gave me some sky come to Daddy come to Papa right there come to Papa come to Daddy [Applause] here's member that from school Marco you could be anywhere in the world everyone knows that game except for in Mexico Martin why are they saying Marco chicken I I don't speak any Spanish but I can watch that Telemundo channel for hours on them what is it about that channel you just find yourself in the middle of night stopping you go like what's going on cuz there's always one big hairy guy in the middle of the screen go on Cinco Cinco Cinco siete Ocho siete ocho and then there's four really hot girls around like you take a language in school what language did you take you took Spanish I got you all messed up don't you I go what language do you take he goes Mexican oh sorry Spanish do you remember any of it obviously not what do you did you go to college no that's it you know what it is obvious but you know what it doesn't matter it does everyone applaud right now if you're in school a plot if you're in school oh look at that look at that waste your time think of this you're all gonna spend you're all gonna snow you're gonna spend a third of your lives in school twenty years of your life you count preschool in college twenty years of your life you're spending in the classroom to maybe get by right there's no guarantee you guys are gonna make it when you get out I've been out of school over ten years and I realize the teachers didn't teach us the right stuff they did not once if I used a quadratic equation I've never climbed a rope outside of gym class the last thing I want to do when I hear a fire alarm is getting a single-file line and not talk they taught us the 3 R's right what were those everyone write the writing starts with the W or arithmetic with an A how can we trust these people I'm not touching you I'm not I'm not touching you I'm not free country you don't know in the air don't touch me I'll sue you staring contest you're the devil so much stuff in school we didn't even use hey how about which teacher in the classroom put all the letters on the typewriter how the letters get that way they take all the letters off put them in a bag shake them up and then dump them on the keyboard either that if the teachers taught us the alphabet wrong maybe it should have been a SD GPL RK semicolon quote returned they say the letters you use the most are centerline right hand one of those JK l and semicolon I don't know what a semicolon is you as far I know exclamation point I'm Tector semicolon means I'm going on but I don't know when or why they say this is proper form in our house not in a keyboard not in my house this is proper form [Music] of course everyone under 30 just went why do you hit the computer have you guys ever had to diagram a sentence outside of school never what are you gonna do that you're walking into your work your boss says hey you're fired hold on there boss let's diagram that shall we you're that's a contraction of the word you are fired from the verb to fire meaning a I'm on fire I think not B I'm hot that's sexual harassment or C a being removed from my position now boss this makes no sense you are as present-tense fired as past tense how can you have present and past in the same sentence you are present fired past that makes no sense that's like saying you are swam you are heated do you guys know every lie you learn in school every lie you learned in school started where your math class well how can that be follow me folks math Matt made sense the first year in the first year alone you member the first year math 2+2 4 cool right second year math got a little creepy didn't it 2 times 2 still 4 same symbol on its side something's up you guys remember walking into your eighth grade math class it was eighth grade it was math class you walked into your math class looked on the chalkboard in math that said a plus B equals C where the numbers go do you guys remember doing sine cosine and tangent in school remember that sine cosine and tangent I hated that I get hundreds of those in school I have yet to use one outside of school yet not one math teacher ever bothered to say hey Ron if someone asks you to co-sign don't sign then get them off on a tangent that would have saved me 40 grand you all remember the number pi what is it 2pi hard remember what 2 pi R is circumference of a circle circumference PI R squared is area of a circle very good yet not one mapped each ever bothered to say PI determines the circumference of your pants pi are fat that's the Jenny Craig equation then they gave us story problems then you guys hate doing the story problems I hated those I hated those let's all do the most common story problem together do you remember this one train Hey leave Chicago at 60 miles an hour train B leaves New York at 40 miles an hour what time will they meet you know what no one travels by train anymore even if we do we still don't actually want the trains to meet why couldn't just once they've given me an equation where pertain to my life like run your wife's leaving you on United flight 567 first-class meets your best friend in Tucson how many months will it take to pay off the visa bill at 18.5% [Applause] [Music] you know that hit a little close to home doesn't ma'am my math teacher was not my favorite person in the entire world not my favorite person y'all had one mean Matthew one mean teacher Daniel one teacher that just drove you nuts didn't that teacher bug you did did that bug you then about you didn't you just once want to answer that teacher back and go why yes I would like to share my thoughts with the rest of the class yes I did bring enough gum for everyone else yes I do kiss my mother with this mouth hey maybe I would like to come to the front of the class explain my behavior you know what maybe I would like to go down the principal's office yes I do think this will get me somewhere in life and yes I am some kind of comedian 20 years of school two decades in the classroom we spent 20 years of our life in school one hour of health class not one second on how to actually get along with the opposite sex the drive to your entire life that should have been two years of classes on how to get along we have a 50% divorce rate in this country they should have just wiped out all the other classes just had two classes on how to get along don't you think do we have any teachers in the audience where what do you teach there dear first grade we'll give you an app in a minute okay [Applause] they still give out the little milk and the little graham cracker you guys remember the milk and the graham cracker was that graham cracker the driest substance you could eat desert with more moisture and it was never enough milk to get that sucker now you [Laughter] [Applause] first grade teacher good for you god bless you that's good thing any other teachers what do you teach there sir what earth science what teachers union made that class up it's its fifth round you can figure out PI R squared very good what is their science it's basically science huh of the earth yeah we kind of as opposed to science of Pluto I found you a friend you can hook up there [Applause] who else any other teachers where where I can see back over there what do you teach what government what do you do just lie to him all day long recess for everyone recess all day long you will all grow up to be rich yeah this is fabulous [Music] 20 years of school two decades in the classroom 20 years of school one hour of health class not one second on how to get along with the opposite sex.teachers when you get back to class tomorrow when you're in class help the boys please please please I just wish one teacher just once would it just sat me down and just said run know that for the rest of your life women yeah I said it no that for the rest of your life women shut up know that for the rest of your life that women pretty much run the entire world oh look at her blood spirit fingers spirit fingers spirit fingers everyone screwed fingers come on girls spirit yes spirit you girls do run the world you do you know you do you do you really do what gets me is you don't know why I know you think you know why man because we're the gatekeeper and you need the key no no you run the world for one reason because men are predictable if we're the enemy you can predict what we're gonna do you win the war why are we predictable because men we are one giant ball of hormone flat out we're predictable you know what we want right sport supper silence we're happy you women are many hormones you scare us to death we have no idea where you're going you're up you're down you're happy - we don't know what you want your Jacqueline hide your Ebert and Roeper whereas we are one hormone that is a very powerful hormone it is you take a gorgeous woman into a restaurant guys look up from the salad bar like deer grazing out in the middle of the fourth [Laughter] [Applause] [Music] my wife and I have two kids now we have two children I have a six-year-old daughter named Regan and she didn't have hair for the first year so i called her Rogaine and i have a two-year-old son named tech that you know what raising kids that should have been another two years of classes teachers two years of classes on how to get along two years of class on how to have kids right no one tells you how hard it is no one says anything you first get married everyone comes up when are you gonna have children there's such a blessing best thing that ever happened my word no you have a child drive straight to your parents house drop it off and run your life is over for those of you without children in here and i know who you are cuz you're smiling and happy no look at the couple with kids look how beaten down they are look at that no one tells you no one tells you no one told me when my daughter was 1 year and four months old she would wake me up every morning every morning 4:30 a.m. daddy daddy I'm like what's next Mama's eben [Music] wake her up tomorrow would you give children and your children two children two boys so you know the game man you know the game don't you it's not easy how come no one told me teacher they say it's a terrible twos it's not you guys know what it is it's a terrible threes right because it's rewai a kid can talk back to you right a kid can talk back to you and it's never normal at three they have to change it a little you know it's like my daughter's up at midnight go to bed her I don't want it turns into my daughter's turning into Jim Morrison of the doors I am The Lizard King I'm trying to find my pacifier like go to bed you little freak this is a true story my daughter's up at midnight midnight that goes go to bed she's like I don't go to bed I don't know so my wife was pregnant with my son Tex out to here and my wife waddles over to pick her up and when she does my daughter does that 1968 protester collapse go ahead and pick me up now bad lady good luck prego I'm standing over going kicker get out the water kids kids do go to bed I don't now she's disrespected my wife and now I'm upset because she's disrespecting my wife Reagan go to bed I'm so frustrated for the first time in my life I look there and go Reagan you want a spanking she goes why not that's not in the book I bought a book it doesn't say what to do if they say yes what do I do now what do I do now teachers you taught me nothing now I have to what follow through write or a milquetoast for the rest of my life right I pick her up on her over money give her a little swap put her back in the bed I felt horrible I felt terrible I'm like two minutes later she's in the hallway blanket or overhead going like do I have no authority in my house go to bed I don't go to bed I know why you want another's watching us sure am i nothing now I have to do it again nothing give her another SWAT put her back in the room I feel horrible yeah I waited three minutes three minutes I walked back to the room to check on her this is a true story I got her out of the bed we're walking down the hallway three years old my daughter who I love so much stops and she goes daddy sorry I had a bad attitude back there three man is that awesome two more steps two more steps she goes daddy will you kiss my ball ball [Applause] no kidding she really did say will you kiss my Bobo and I did how can you not I felt so bad you feel awkward I know though the second I kissed your little Bobo she went I got this guy right here they owed us you girls own us you know that what is that about you know what I wouldn't trade him I wouldn't trade my family for anything in the world I got the best family in the world it's unbelievable yet I went to college I went to the University of Washington up in Seattle I had the world by the tail I'm gonna switch over Mike I had the world by the tail but I all of a sudden got out of school had this job loved it then I got married and had children so much stuff the teachers didn't teach me about stuff I wasn't ready for so I'm gonna show you guys my vision of the true progression of life this is the way life really goes what they didn't teach us in school right you wake up to your world about age 16 a couple years from now turn that around got a little background noise there you wake up to your world about age turn this mic off guys there you go can you hear the killer whales hello Jacques Cousteau can you hear the mating sounds of the way apparently they have come far inland in North America to Columbus may be commemorating Christopher Columbus got it all right you wake up to your world you wake up to your world about what age 16 how old are you young man 13 three years from now you're gonna wake up to your world you're gonna say oh I'm gonna have to make a living one day so I'm gonna have to work real hard at a skill to make money but you know what I want to make a lot of money so you're gonna work your tail off for years to become an expert at a skill so you work for years to become an expert then you get a relationship going oh my word now I have to keep the job going because she needs a lot of money my word did she need a lot of money but now not only do I have to be an expert at my job all of a sudden I have to be an expert at relationships this is very hard she wants me to be masculine yet sensitive I don't know if I'm supposed to be Richard Gere or Richard Simmons then we bought a house now I have to be a plumber I have to be an electrician I have to be a landscape artist I have to be an expert at taxes now we have children now I'm a doctor I'm a mentor I'm a theologian and all of a sudden I hear from my wife honey I don't get enough attention so that's what you have to look forward to isn't that fabulous young man 13 years old you got it go on kid you got it going if you guys haven't seen juggling before by the way the show is really kind of supposed to end here I think they got another show tonight and we're supposed to get out [Applause] you guys haven't seen juggling before it looks something like this right here thank you all of you then does anybody know what this is right here pretty darn good juggling a little freaks [Applause] this guy's like dude I'm in a rave quick impression anyone that went to the Detroit Pistons Indiana Pacers basketball great impression New York taxicab drivers at rush hour taxi cab drivers taxi cab drivers in Columbus at rush hour and y'all y'all see this right here you don't get out off and they'll do you man can you see this this is salmon going upstream during spawning salmon is a fish go Willie go go ahead and pick it up there man you're my little scut bud there your mind hey come on Rambo what was that is that Rambo hand it to this cat right here this guy head it to this guy right here stand up sir what's your name and nice to meet you ed ed what do you do ed welcome to Columbus are you retired ed oh the other nothing not so funny anymore what did you do it alright let's not bring the audience down now we were totally flying in an injury I'm joking with you Ed I want to throw about this high a little bit of a backflip I'm gonna go right in the pattern don't be winging it ed count of three count of three ready one two three give it a toss area thank you very much thank you same time severed hands nice little four one two four you give me toss area what was there like go Buckeyes let's go Buckeyes stand up you little prick that nice throw wasn't so bad that wasn't so bad try it one more time who know my sport football one cheese here we go we're gonna go ahead and do the tough stuff I'm gonna go here's the real hard part now spin it their throat like that catch it there throw it up underneath drop it down kick it up spin it throw it catch it underneath drop it down come on here we go here we go here we go here we go here we go there's one there's not a chance [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] I'm joking she's gonna beat me up in the parking I'll take you out dinner in a movie guys are fun do we have a we have a little boy about this tall like to help me out how old are you young man you're perfect come on up here give this boy a big round of applause to this Mike place real quickly so we can hear this young man what is your name young man hi Jordan that's good that is on Jordan where are you from buddy leave a little something under the table the boys gotta eat [Applause] you're 11 yes no that's a great age man high-five there Jordan high-five go for it man go for it man come on man you 11 years old 11 years old awesome you got a girlfriend then you shouldn't have you don't need ten years from now then stop man you ever kissed a girl Jordan that's all except what you kiss your mom but your mom's a girl very sweet I sleep hang tight here Jordan can you hold on to this for half the second 11 this is gonna be great let me see what I can find hi you're adorable can you march onstage real quick quick quick hurry hurry we got to go got to go right up right up around the end quick quick quick quick come on up here darling come on up this is gonna be great hi what's your name Tasha that's beautiful how old are you I'm 27 oh yeah dude I'm totally joking you can go back Tasha I just wanna see I'm joking there but I'm joking here's what we're gonna do we're actually gonna spin the ball on your finger just like that okay you so you put your right finger higher you were left-handed left-handed yes stand on the other side over here you put your left hand high in the air put your lip do you pick your nose no no no you really don't pick your nose yeah I do you don't you really know cuz I I do you don't know how'd you quit did you try the patch I tried the patch and after two or three minutes I couldn't even breathe out I'm gonna put your finger high in there they got a camera right out there they're gonna take our picture ready jeez [Applause] you got some sort of sick habit of other people's nose this young man I'm totally joke and hold on to that with your other hand put your left hand high in the air point your arm real strong like your Superman you are the best kid in the world man you are the best kid I'm going to spin this real fast I'm put on your finger and the crowd will go crazy let's [Applause] we're getting this thing flying guys I'm going to need some other brave volunteers willing to help me how let's bring this girl up right here let's give her a big round of applause March in the red shirt you come up on stage give them all a big round standing over there for a minute hi you're adorable what's your name Kylie Kylie that's a beautiful name were you from Kylie here that your mom what do you do for a living Kylie I play music are you a musician what kind of stuff do you play rock bass piano guitar sing that's crazy yeah I figured out from the hair yes you're so adorable this is gonna be real simple Kylie hold on to the ball Kylie hold on to the clubs Kylie's correct is that right hold on to the clubs right there hold on to the mouth stick right there Kylie hold on to the bow stick going over the other mic pardon me guys hold on to the mouth stick Kylie I need you to march right over here and just leap right on the top of this puppy seriously it's gonna be fun for them no it's really really easy seriously put everything in one hand put it all over in the one hand hold on to the seat hold on to this you got it over there Kylie hold on to the seat with your right hand put your foot in there I'm gonna hold on the account of three ready one two three go no it's a joke it's a joke it's like Kylie we're gonna clean the other today go ahead crawl in your adorable Kylie you can stand back over there gentlemen come on over here come to Papa okay well yeah we'll put you over on the other side young man what is your name I'm Ben Ben yes Ben let me get the other mic here find out who we got here Ben where are you from then where are you from Columbus Columbus what do you do Ben software software computers one zero zero one one one zero zero add a number would you computers languages just ones and zeroes come on over here sir what's your name what Dwayne where are you from Buddy Oh city grow so disgusting and what do you do with Duane Department of Defense [Applause] that's wonderful Duane that's wonderful this is gonna be real simple gentlemen what I want you to both do is stand right over here I want you Russ Russ then put your right foot in front of the unicycle just like that Duane put your right foot behind the unicycle just like that we're all holding on with both hands going up going up going up going up going up you're going up Duane hand there that hand there that hand there put your foot behind the bike plane there you go do not let go the unicycle don't let go with your hands do not let go don't move your feet don't mess with me I'll kill you both okay hang tight there guys how you doing darling you're so adorable just hang tight for just a second okay here we go going up the bike gentlemen here we go going up our Department of Defense appear Lee I don't lift anything come on you guys you guys it's a desk job keep the seat forward that way I'll be over the middle of the bike I won't put any weight on you okay here we go hang tight there darlin here we go going up the bike gentlemen perfect here we go going off the bike now [Applause] sorry about that there buddy I'm trying [Applause] here we go up and over now gentlemen up and over [Music] [Applause] let go with this hand real quick and then grab back on there you go okay gentlemen now scoot the seat back underneath me gently gently yeah careful careful what are you looking at I need your Ben I need your left hand right there push up left hand right there push up Dwayne I need your right hand right here push up push up when I say now I want you to both let go of the unicycle and move your feet but don't let go up here cuz I'm not real good at this okay are you ready count of three ready one two three let go move your feet hold me up hold me up hold me up hold me [Applause] we are the world we are the people we are the wounded them oh you know how to do one of those start it started on the outside Columbus is crazy it's great what's your name that's correct Kylie come to Papa come to daddy come to Simba right right up in front of me right to Simba right in front of me facing me Kylie turn around a little bit closer closer there's a mark on the floor do you see the mark on the floor hold still don't move don't move over Kylie don't move I'll pull your head right off let's give these two gentlemen a big round of the drive fantastic Kylie hand me the ball the big yellow thing hand me the ball hey hand me the okay very very creative that'll do I need a mouth stick the wooden thing now stick goes [Music] [Applause] it's like trying to take communion from a dyslexic priest run Kylie honey honestly thank you god bless you god bless your career you're just adorable thank you for putting up with me God's gonna bless you in 2006 I know you're just adorable you were hilarious I really appreciate it Ben thank you god bless you too thank you for putting up with me god bless you 2006 that was hilarious man Dwayne you need help god bless you too my friend honestly this is just you made me laugh of what a fun night you know how fortunate we are in this world we're just the luckiest people be able to come out on the weeknight and just go crazy I love it you know what we didn't cure cancer nothing tonight but Lord if we didn't have a good time in that nice see you later good night have a good night get out of here I want to get off this thing I'm not kidding I just think it's great you we all come here you guys don't know me I don't know you we all know him now here we go I'm gonna try and finish this thing hopefully it'll work out I'm just I might if you can't my tires flat which is not good and this is kind of slippery on the stage so I'm a little I'm scared here we go [Applause] she started I'm just trying to focus you all know what it looks like all right [Applause] you

Channel: BigSea757

Views: 24,046

Keywords: Bananas Comedy, Funny Bone, Clean Comedy, Clean Humor, Bananas, Comedy, Hilarious, Humor, Hysterical, Comic, Laugh, Entertainment, Entertaining, Witty, Clever, Christian, Christian Comedian, Family, Comedian, Amusing, Comical, Laughable, Merry, Joking, Clean Jokes, Crazy, LOL, ROTFLOL, Silly, bedtime, juggles, juggler, juggling, juggle, unicyle, quadratic equations, women, school, daughter

Id: NcFhgc58_9k

Length: 44min 22sec (2662 seconds)

Published: Mon Jan 28 2019