Jay Larson Stand-Up 05/06/13 | CONAN on TBS

I have a question your cell phone rings and you don't recognize the number what do you do ignore it don't answer it not me I like life the other day my cell phone rang nine one seven that's a New York number I didn't know it who was I picked it up anyway I'd hit talk I said hello guy now line goes hey Bruce what's going on my name is J not Bruce so I said nothing much man what's going on with you and he said I'll tell you what's going on I just got an email about the budget it's supposed to be fifteen thousand now it's ten thousand and I'd like to know what's up I got excited in my chest I grabbed the steering wheels like okay focus your name is Bruce there's a budget it was fifteen thousand now it's ten thousand no one's happy about it that's all we know that's all we know so I just repeated back to him what he said to me and I go ten thousand it supposed to be fifteen thousand he goes yeah I know well I just got email and now it's ten I go listen man I don't want to tell you I've been on the road all day you know I haven't even seen it and he goes did you send this out give him some attitude too Bruce I didn't like it I said listen man the budget was 15,000 we had a couple extra expenditures it went up to 16 - I read it got it down to 14-7 I had 300 to play with so I called it 15 and I sent it out and he goes yeah well now it's ten man I was like oh my god that works that works phase one complete phase one complete like now I'm in the door I have a 401k I was at the Christmas party okay so he goes did Larry okay this I go listen man I took the budget to Larry Larry said it looked fine but I knew as my ass on the line so I ran it by Jennifer just in case just a double check Jennifer said it looked good I sent it out he goes yeah well now it's ten man and I realized this guy has no idea what's going on over there he hasn't talked to Larry I know he hasn't talked to Bruce he doesn't even recognize my voice I know he didn't talk to Jennifer I just made her up so he goes listen man what are we gonna do about this and I go listen I'm on the road right now I haven't even seen the email why don't you give Larry call check in with him see what he says call me back just praying he will because that return phone call was going to be amazing and he goes you know what why don't wait till you get home you check the email you call Larry you call me back and I go nah nah bro Larry knows way more about this than I do give him a call call me back he goes ok hangs up the phone to which I explode with euphoria because there's a small business in New York that is crumbling to the ground over five grand and nobody can find Jennifer they'll look it they're looking I get home I'm so excited I take out my cell phone like you know what I'm gonna save that guy's number give him a call in a couple days touch base you don't mean check it see where we're at you know so I save it in my phone under random guy that's what he is he's a random guy four or five days passed I forget about it laying on my couch watching the ball game phone rings in the dining room table I get up watching the game grab the phone watching the game look down random guy but it's been a couple days you know it means so I'm like random guy who's random guy like who would even have random guy as their name that comes up and then I was like random guy like now I'm panicked you know what I mean people's lives have been affected it's only five grand but I know how big that company is but I'm addicted to it I mean I started this thing I need to see it through so I put my earbuds in just get a little distance you know just see a little space and I hit talk same guy goes hey Larry what's going on yeah now he's calling me Larry he knows something's up but I'm not about to back down I go nothing much man what's going on with you and he goes well I've got us on conference call with Janelle and Marie and I was like okay here we go here we go this is why we play the game you guys this is why we play the game so I go welcome to the call ladies as if to say welcome to the show I mean here we go Marie takes the lead she goes hey Larry what time is it where you are I live in LA they're in New York it's 5:30 so I go 8:30 it's 8:30 she was really what's the weather like and I was like oh well there's nice weather's nice she goes you know this doesn't sound like Larry and I go oh yeah who's it sound like and random guy chirps him from the back and he goes sounds like Bruce like he's gonna blow this case wide open and I go listen guys this isn't Larry and it isn't Bruce and Marie goes I said I'm just some guy who had nothing better to do than to mess with you guys Marie got pissed she was not happy she was you understand we're trying to run a business over here I was like yeah well I got that from the budget I just figured it was a business she was what do you think this is some kind of joke and I was like and she was let me ask you something and I go no you let me ask you something and she goes what and I go where we have with the budget [Applause] [Applause]

Channel: Team Coco

Views: 3,161,616

Keywords: Team coco, andy richter, best moments of conan, celebrity interviews, coco, comedy, comedy sketches, conan, conan (tv series), conan best, conan best moments, conan brien, conan classic, conan funniest moments, conan funny interviews, conan funny moments, conan o'brien, conan obrien interview, conan obrien podcast, conan on tbs, conan remotes, funny, funny moments on conan, late night show, stand-up comedy, talk show, talk show hosts, tbs, tbs (tv channel), top 10 conan

Id: rPq2cF4l9qc

Length: 5min 42sec (342 seconds)

Published: Fri Jul 05 2013

Reddit Comments

[u/fiveSE7EN]

My friend got a call once, and it was a little girl. All she said was "Do you know your phone number is dum-butt?" and hung up.

She was right.

[u/i_have_spaghetti]

I was in NY for a college event and got entirely too smashed at a bar one night. When I stumbled awake in the hotel room at 5 o'clock in the morning I couldn't find my phone. I asked one of my buddies I was traveling with if I could use their's to call mine and find it. Expecting it to ring and ring until I heard it, instead, someone on the other line answered. Now, I wasn't in my right frame of mind and my first instinct was not, oh someone found my lost phone and is going to help me get it back. No, my reaction was, HOW DARE THEY STEAL MY PHONE AND HAVE THE BALLS TO ANSWER IT.

Scenario:

Sleepy woman answers: Hello?

Me: Hello yes you have my phone.

Sleepy woman: Excuse me?

Me: You have my phone. I called my phone and you answered and you have my phone.

Sleepy woman, waking up a little: I do NOT have your phone. WTF are you talking about?

Me: YOU STOLE MY PHONE. I KNOW YOU STOLE MY PHONE.

We yell back and forth a bit before she hangs up on me.

I look at the phone to dial my number again and I realize... I dialed the wrong number. I woke some poor woman up at 5 am and yelled at her about stealing my phone. Which happened to be under the bed, by the way.

TLDR: The people calling from unknown numbers are not always friendly.

[u/[deleted]]

So random story that has cemented the fact that I will always answer the phone from random numbers. Not quite as amusing and detailed as his but I got a kick out of it and I swear every bit of it is true to the best of my memory.

It was about ten or more years ago when I was working as a restaurant manager. As such I always had days off during the week as opposed weekend days. One day, I was recovering from my "Friday" night and I was watching some TV. Phone rings...

Me: Hello

Jim: Hey Bill, it's Jim.

Me: What's going on Jim. What can I help you with today?

Jim: What are you up to at the moment?

Me: Just taking a little break, watching some TV. Yourself?

Jim: Bill, I'm not paying you to watch TV! Jesus Christ!

Me: Jim, first of all you're not paying me to do shit! The last check you sent me bounce and as of right now your job is on hold until you get caught up on your payments AND put down a deposit to ensure this doesn't happen again. I spoke to your partner about this and I was insured this would be taking care of. But if you insist on pushing the matter I'll strip down the job and leave you with jack!

Jim: whoa whoa whoa... First of all Mike never said anything to me, I had no idea this was an issue but the fact remains I promised this build would be completed Friday and I really need you to get back on the job. Where are you at on this?

Me: Jim, I've already told you I'm not doing anything until I receive payment.

Jim: Hang... Hang on, mike just walked in.

I hear Jim yelling at Mike and then it got muffled. Mike gets on the phone.

Mike: Hey bill, it's Mike.

Me: Hello Mike

Mike: ..... Hang on....

Shuffling noises.

Jim: This isn't Bill is it?

Me: Nope...

Click...

[u/Kiadawg]

My friend experienced this for a while. She made status updates regarding it

[u/Deracination]

Once got a call to my cell:

"Hi, is this 24-Hour Fitness in South County?"

"No, this is 12-Hour Fitness in North County."

"......oh."

"Yea, happens all the time, our numbers are just a digit off."

"Oh.....ok, well could you give me their number, then?"

"No."

[u/count2infinity2]

I'm always curious about the skits and stories stand-up comedians tell. I wonder what % of the story actually happened and what part of it are they adding just to get a laugh. With this story for instance, I don't think the entirety of conversation occurred, but I'd be willing to bet that he did have a phone conversation with someone about a budget that he didn't know anything about. He adds some fluff in there for laughs. Rehearses the story over and over and bam, you've got one hell of a skit.

[u/nutsocharles]

The number of YouTube comments shouting with wild indignation that this guy stole this entire routine from another video of himself doing the same bit...Jesus. If you ever want a good approximation of how stupid people can really be, think of someone trumpeting "This guy stole this entire joke from that other guy at the Laugh Factory, word for word!" while ON THE INTERNET, but lacking the ability to somehow connect the fact that it is the same comic, and this is his routine. I went from bemused to baffled to irked to angry to fed up to disgusted so fast that I've now gone to a place far beyond emotion. I'm in a blank state with a mild headache and thirty fewer IQ points, and all of my senses will only register cardboard.

[u/iDingo91]

How to screw with a telemarketer

[u/youregunnagetitbobby]

In the beginning I thought the random guy was prank calling him and that that was the whole twist in the bit.