(APPLAUSE) >> WAS' UP, EVERYBODY? OKAY, A LITTLE EXCITED. I'M A DAD, IN CASE YOU DIDN'T
GET THAT FROM THE CARDIGAHN. WE HAVE A FIVE YEAR OLD BOY AND
FOUR YEAR OLD GIRL AND PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS ASKING ME, DO YOU
HAVE A FAVORITE, WHICH IS A REALLY WEIRD QUESTION TO ASK
BECAUSE UNDERNEATH WHAT YOU ARE REALLY SAYING IS HEY, IS THERE
ONE YOU CAN'T STAND? AND I ALWAYS SAY I DON'T HAVE A
FAVORITE, I JUST HAVE THINGS I WOULD RATHER DO WITH EACH KID. IF I WANTED TO WATCH THE SUNSET
IN AUTUMN IN MASSACHUSETTS UNDERNEATH AN APPLETREE SIPPING
HOT CHOCOLATE ON A BLANKET, I WOULD WANT TO BE WITH MY SON. AND IF I WAS GOING TO ROB A
BANK, I WOULD WANT TO BE WITH MY DAUGHTER, BECAUSE SHE IS
RIDE OR DIE AND SHE WILL CUT YOU, THAT'S A FACT. THEY HAVE BUNK BEDS. I BUILT THEM BUDGET BEDSK I'M
CRAFTY. I'M A CRAFTY DAD. HE LEAPS UP TOP, SHE SLEEPS
BELOW, I GET HOME, HE WILL RUB HIS BACK, HE ROLLS OUT FOR A
KISS AN I KISS HIM RIGHT ON THE LIPS BECAUSE WE'RE WHITE AND
THAT'S WHAT WE DO. AND THEN I WILL CROUCH DOWN FOR
MY DAUGHTER AND RUB HER BACK AND SHE SHOWS AFFECTION A LITTLE BIT
DIFFERENTLY, SHE USED TO ELBOW MY HAND A WHAT. WHICH HURTS EMOTIONALLY AND
PHYSICALLY. SHE'S VERY STRONG FOR FOUR. USUALLY I LEAVE SAD AND GI TO
BED BUT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE I WILL DROP AN ELBOW RIGHT IN HER
LOWER BACK JUST TO SEND A MESSAGE. LIKE WHAT'S UP NOW. WHEN SHE STARTS TO STIR, YOU
HAVE TO GET OUT OF THERE, YOU DON'T WANT EYE CONTACT AT THAT
MOMENT. I LIKE TO CHALLENGE MY KIDS. I DON'T WANT BORING KIDS. I WANT INTERESTING KID SOTION
EVERY NOW AND THEN WHEN I TAKE THEM IN AND OUT OF THE CAR, I
DON'T OPEN THE DOOR, I OPEN THE WINDOW TAKE THEM OUT OF THE
WINDOW, LIKE WHAT ARE WE DOING, WE ARE SEEING THE WORLD
DIFFERENT, THAT IS WHAT WE ARE DOING, AM I EVEN YOUR DAD. THE OTHER DAY I WAS GETTING A
COFFEE WITH MY DAUGHTER, I PUT HER IN YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
SHE GOES YOU PUT ME THROUGH THE WINDOW DADDY. SHE SMOKES ABOUT A PACK A DAY SO
SHE GETS A LITTLE THROATY. A LITTLE THROATY. AND I'M TRYING TO CHALLENGE SO
YOU PUT ME THROUGH THE WINNOW DADDY. AND I LOOKED A THE HER, AND I GO
NO, I DIDN'T. YES, YOU DID YOU APPROXIMATE OUT
MOO HE THROUGH THE WINDOW. AND I GO, NO, I DIDN'T AND
BUCKLE UP, GO AROUND, GET HER IN THE CAR, START DRIVING, I LOOK
IN THE REARVIEW MIRROR, I YOU PUT ME THROUGH THE REAR VIEW
WINDOW, DADDY, NO, I DIDN'T. I LOOK HEY RIVER, WHO PUT YOU
THROUGH THE WINDOW. >> YOU DID, DADDY. >> AND I PULLED THE CAR OVER,
TURNED THE MUSIC DOWN AND I TURNED AROUND AND I GO NO, I
DIDN'T. WHO PUT YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW. >> AND SHE TOOK TWO SECONDS AND
SHE GOES NOBODY. >> AND I WAS LIKE LET'S ROB A
BANK GIRL. THAT IS RIDE OR DIE. ALL I SAID THREE TIMES WAS NO, I
DIDN'T AND SHE WAS LIKE, I HEAR YOU LOUD AND CLEAR. IT NEVER EVEN HAPPENED. SHE CHANGED HER REALITY FOR ME. THAT SAY GOOD GIRL. THAT IS A GOOD GIRL. I DON'T THINK I EVER WANT TO GET
DIVORCED BUT EVERY NOW AND THEN I WALK AROUND THE HOUSE AND LOOK
AT A TABLE. AND YEAH, IF WE SPLIT UP, I TAKE
CARE OF THAT. >> IF I WERE TO GET DIVORCED IT
WOULD BE BECAUSE WHAT DO YOU CALL THESE THINGS YOU CUT PAPER
WITH, SCISSORS, YOU KNOW WHAT MY WIFE CALLS THEM, S SCISSORS NO,
SHE CALLS THEM A SCISSOR, SING YOU LAR, IT IS DISGUSTING. LIKE IF I WENT TO A JUDGE AND I
WAS LIKE I WOULD LIKE TO GET DIVORCE WHACK IS THE PROBLEM. SHE SAID SCISSOR, HE IS LIKE
SINGULAR, YEAH, ALL RIGHT, FULL CUSTODY, WOULDN'T BE A QUESTION. THE OTHER DAY WE WERE DOING A
CRAFT PROJECT IN THE LIVING ROOM BECAUSE REAL MEN DO CRAFT
PROJECTS WITH THEIR CHILDREN. THAT IS WHAT YOU GIVING IT FOR
THARK IS WHAT ARE YOU GIVING IT FOR. SO PIE WIFE LOOKS AT ME AND GOES
HEY, YOU CAN GRAB ME THE SCISSOR IN THE KITCHEN AND I LOOKED OUT
AT MY CAR AND I GO JUST G YEAH, WILL YOU MISS THE KIDS BUT THEY
WILL GROW UP AND KNOW IT IS SCISRS AND COME JOINMENT BUT I
REMEMBERED IN THE KITCHEN WE HAD SHEERS FOR CUTTING A CHICKEN AND
THOSE SEPARATE FOR CLEANING. SO I TOOK HALF, WENT BACK IN THE
LIVING ROOM, GI HEY, HERE IS YOUR SCISSOR. IF YOU LIKE I CAN GET THE OTHER
HALF AND MAKE YOU A PAIR OF SCISSORS. SHE GOES THAT'S HILARIOUS, AND
MY DAUGHTER GRABBED IT OUT OF MY HAND, PUT TO MY WIFE'S THROAT
AND GOES THEY'RE SCISSORS, BITCH, I'M JAY LARSON GUYS,
THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU. >> James: JAY LARSON,
EVERYBODY. YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS T COME ON
BACK. EVERYBODY.
