Chris Distefano's 9/11 Story

Oh another straight white male boo oh my God look at this comedy on 9/11 you pieces of [ __ ] I mean absolute [ __ ] garbage you want to laugh what are you Isis what the [ __ ] go home you people not get it do you not get it in the back of the comedy club somebody offered me hummus I was like not today not today I'll take it 364 days of the year not tonight this kids triggered what shut up bill [ __ ] up ladies are you there where were you 911 [ __ ] Connecticut where were you Chicago [ __ ] you not even close I was here god dammit true story I let's make it fine um you know my mother she worked in the second tower that was hit survived thank God but uh I went to an all-boy Catholic High School you know they came in they told to say hey boys the towers were hit and you know I didn't know if my mother was [ __ ] dead or alive so I started to cry I have you know I was on steroids it was 17 I was experimenting with winstrol and those on steroids I had puffy nipples which I still do but now I'm on keto so [ __ ] you I'm drunk right now but vodka sodas Tito's excluding free it's Kido Vinny guada Nino the keto Guido's said I could do it so but I am ripped what are you gonna do I took I drank a [ __ ] vodka soda and had a claritin-d I'm ready to suck your dick what it is you know how it is you gave me an antihistamine and some liquor I'm talking you know so it happens powers go down so I don't know like ii-i've been heard from my [ __ ] mom so I start to cry why did you start to cry and get emotional because you know I'm [ __ ] flipping out it's my mom I'm on steroids so I'm 17 you know I don't know what to do so this kid Frank starts to laugh at me so I broke a chair right over his head just immediately just [ __ ] knock this kid unconscious all-boy catholic high school i mean you would get detention for having a top button on button i just put a kid in a legit coma I'm done okay so Tuesday that was Tuesday Wednesday all New York City schools are closed Thursday I was expelled on Tuesday BTW threw me right out and then and then and then my mother was okay I finally can't get in touch with it I finally get home to my house in Brooklyn and I see my mom she opens the door when I get that I genuinely thought it was a ghost I'm like oh my god whatever and she has blood all over her knee I'm like oh my god what the [ __ ] happened she's like I fell off the bus in Brooklyn I'm like how did you survive 9/11 and then you fell off the bus what the [ __ ] are you doing this is not Jesus Christ lady I mean come on he fell off the bus but she did so whatever she's fine I don't tell anybody what happened this is all true what I'm telling you I don't tell anybody what happened and Wednesday schools closed Thursday I just show up back at my high school like I didn't just put somebody in a coma I just walked right back in and brother Robb was a Catholic High School brother Rob's like - Stefano you're expelled I was a go I forgot you know who's like never forget [Laughter] what are you gonna do so I forgot that I killed somebody and I saw this [ __ ] molar in my shoe but so my father didn't even know about my father Tony de Stefano aka Tony balls with his II he was a criminal truly a criminal throughout my life like I'm not like not weekend in jail and talking about federally prosecuted federally convicted for realsies inmate okay like bat and your nose bag they got the wrong guy I'm like here's the thing no they did it okay hundred percent nailed it you're the right guy you're a dirtbag so so that's my father like an ex legit criminal like where he just doesn't like he's yep so I call my father true Thursday morning September 13 call my father I'm like dad I have bad news I'm like um I was expelled from school I know I decided the family I'm really sorry but I was expelled he goes here's the good news no you worried I'm like no but I was he goes I'm gonna come down there I'm gonna negotiate I was like oh my god please don't come down here my dad lives on Staten Island with you if you're not from New York I went to high school in Queens my dad's from Staten Island that's like an hour and a half with traffic ok Thursday morning my dad gets there in 30 minutes 30 minutes he shows up I'll never forget New York Yankees batting practice jacket shorts flip-flops a chain that's Jesus's actual height and weight in gold full [ __ ] extra-large cup of coffee from Dunkin Donuts just walking in God I just walks in he's like we're gonna take care I'm like oh my god so I'm 17 years old so you have to get a meeting with the principal of a high school like you can't just walk in there's a secretary there's a whole thing it's a national tragedy I mean people got questions and my dad walks past the secretary just walks it to the principal's office the principal was on the phone I'll never forget this he's on the phone and my dad goes hey can I talk to you and the principal's like sir I'm on the phone my dad hangs up the phone and he goes looking at whoop-dee-doo now you're not on the phone like it was a [ __ ] magic trick like he's David Copperfield just hangs it up what's happening so my dad goes cuz again my dad's a criminal so we use his criminal language that's just how he speaks to people he goes my son allegedly somebody in the head with the chair and we'd like to plead not guilty so the principal is like this isn't a court of law we have video evidence of your son hitting somebody in the head with the chair he's guilty and he's expelled and my dad goes there's got to be another way and the principal goes sir there's no other way so my dad rolls a wad of cash that he just pulled out of his pocket out of a robe and just rolled it out and goes is there another way and the principal goes are you gonna bribe a man of God and my dad goes I lost on September 21st 1979 now I don't know what that means but I know he was in prison so I'm thinking I'm thinking it was a shower situation honey get out of myself but I think something went out in the showers he lost God and yeah God maybe hiding his butthole so they're Frizzles like while he's expelled but that goes he's gotta be the other way and the principal goes sorry there's no other way so my dad finally says let's just think of a plan man-to-man what could that could there be another way and then the principal I get it it's just like this guy doesn't know who my father is he doesn't know what's going on he's got a lot of [ __ ] on his mind so the principal finally says to my father goes sir are you stupid there's no other way so my dad he starts looking up the ceiling and laughing my daddy goes he goes Chrissy did this guys just call me [ __ ] stupid and I was like no I'm lying this know I'm lying y'all not say then my dad goes Chrissy blocked the [ __ ] door anytime my dad call me by my transgender name [ __ ] knew that [ __ ] was about to pop off so I talked it back and I lock that [ __ ] door because I'm daddy's little princess and I know what daddy wants [Applause] Ultra this is ultra I'm [ __ ] hammered right now the principal he goes now you got two options because the second option is really gonna suck for you he goes here's the first option you put my son back in school easy [ __ ] breeze he goes the second option I'm gonna come over there I'm gonna break both the kneecaps he goes cuz I'm he goes I'll call the police right now I'll give him my social security number my name my address because I'd rather go to jail for the rest of my life then you throw him out and me have to listen to his mother's [ __ ] mouth for the rest of my life he goes either way I'm in prison I'd rather be in actual jail with my friends my friends the choice is yours and it's suck because I was still tucked back on the first option when he said just put my son back in school easy breezy in my head I went beautiful covergirl then the principal just put me right back into high school I mean you can't imagine how quick this guy was just forgot about that I put somebody in a coma forgot about all the problems I had he just put me right back into school and then hand to God the end by the end of the school year the principal I believe was making deliveries for my father I believe there was a couple times I saw my dad come in with a brown paper bag full of who knows what and the principal put it underneath his [ __ ] brother robe and just delivered it to who needed it so the moral of the story is Trump 2020 you knew that though now he can't vote he's a [ __ ] criminal he's like I voted for Trump I'm like no you did it shut up dad I know the law works you [ __ ] scumbag so I hope you had fun in Chicago it might have an 11-story thank you

Channel: History Hyenas

Views: 3,726,034

Rating: 4.9409108 out of 5

Keywords: Chris Distefano, chris Distefano comedy, Chris Distefano Podcast, History Hyenas, Comedy History, History, bayridge boys, fighter and the kid, theo von, joe rogan, joe rogan experience, jre, joey diaz, bert kreischer, tom segura, stand up, comedy cellar, village underground, never forget, comedy, comedy club, catholic school, 9/11, september11, pop culture, chrissy chaos, chris distefano, chris distefano 9/11 story, my 9/11 story, italian father, mob, new york city, survived

Id: LM0V_m3N7I0

Length: 12min 21sec (741 seconds)

Published: Fri Sep 13 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/VGAPixel]

September 21st 1979 is the day i was born.

[u/youjustgotzinged]

Damn, this is a great set.

[u/daviator88]

There's like ZERO fat on this. And he was hammered! Unbelievable.

[u/Docoe]

That was brilliant

[u/madfrogurt]

Fantastic comic. Hope he goes places.

[u/Spidersight]

This dude is the embodiment of the stereotypical New Yorker I picture in my head as a Texan. Great set, dude was hilarious. Bit was funny from start to finish. Gotta check out more of his stuff.

[u/wingtipfence]

Dare I say, funniest 9/11 story to date?

[u/[deleted]]

Hey now Distefano was just on Legion of Skanks ...

[u/SnowmanOHSnowman]

Holy hell that was a great set - I met Chris YEARS ago at a commercial acting workshop - dude was so friendly and effortlessly funny.