Theo Von - H3 Podcast #109

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coming to you in five four three two welcome everybody to the h3 podcast live hit me with the sound board early on did someone else do that or was that all me because there was like a second one I went for the same sound effect at the same time what weird for sanitizers sounds arrested me today's episode is sponsored by stitch fix honey hems policy genius and today I'm honored and blessed and privileged to have with us today be Theo von the Rat King Hey good to be here man thank you it's beautiful in here yeah I'm a I'm a I'm a big fan I think you're one of the funniest dudes possibly ever to grace this God's green planet I have to tell you when we saw you at The Comedy Store we were there recently mm-hmm man when you came up to the stage you got the loudest response do you think so I'm sure of it people were going fucking apeshit yeah and I had seen you before apes actually they were a that was on acid and you weren't there at all but thank you though sorry I don't receive compliments well obviously I had to deflect yeah and I have awkward I have I have problems accepting compliments - isn't that weird yeah something I need to work on what is it because it's yeah that makes me then you feel uncomfortable because then you feel like yeah now the person feels like I don't even care about the fact that they call me you don't they're being gracious they're giving you a gift it's like if someone's like hey man I got you these really cool shoes bro I don't need shoes [Laughter] so yeah but I think that's there well I think what I've learned to do and that's a really good question it is is that you just you don't have to accept the compliment in your brain but you should out of grace make the exchange not awkward so you say thank you I did them at numbers and that's what I can't be like let me tell you something okay but my natural inclination is to be like if someone's like hey you're really funny and it's like well you know yeah not everybody you know it's like well you're one of the few say yeah thank you that's what I usually say thank you that's nice you to say but sometimes I will feel uncomfortable and I'll have to react or off to try and make them feel good also I think mmm Dan that's a dope shirt yeah it's like just a normal Nike shirt yeah I didn't have a shirt at the end of this at the end of this episode is just going to be me waking up from a dream is that real anyway they're all thank you for having me yeah you you really are such a funny guy and let me tell you guys after watching this you're gonna want to go don't don't let don't listen to me let him convince you throughout the show now the pressures on Fox I should have said that oh yeah well I was born under pressure man you know I'm fuckin mom more tight pants yeah yeah so and she always has and she did even during birth right can you imagine that Trinity oh they cut off yeah they cut you I mean do you're trying to gestate in there and you're rocking against a 19 inch belt yeah so you're so no so then in that case since he is comfortable under pressure dark art store deal Vaughn calm get tickets you're on tour right now right yep on tour right now we're gonna be in San Jose this weekend and then Phoenix and gonna go to Australia oh yeah yeah yeah we have Australian fans so eight the best fans man there's sweet-ass some other efforts there I've never been but I keep telling the boat over and see a show that's what I tell them boat over but you're going over there too though yeah well they like I've been waiting my yeah I've been waiting in Santa Monica a zero but ya know I'm excited it's gonna be crazy and then what else here we got some other places Kansas City another few places coming up hit the website theof on Comm he's also the host of his very own podcast which is hilarious this past weekend and no offense on Netflix yeah we got not on Netflix yeah so god bless all that going on for you Thank You Man that's nice need to say so also an first of all happy birthday to you yesterday was your birthday right it was yeah it was man had a lot of cake and got sugar sick a little bit around p.m. and uh that was pretty much it that was it huh yes I keepin it slim yeah kept ya have it slim man just really my mom sent me a cake and I just started eating and I knew I should need it right when I saw it I said don't eat it mmm and then I started eating it you saw it what you solo it okay I didn't know no I had about a third Oh a third wow that's impressive that's be smug it is and it's not safe but it's your birthday that's true yeah what kind of cake was it it was all chocolate chip cookie cake oh yeah it's my favorite so it was good but yeah I appreciate the well-wishes man happy to be born that's the start bro yeah you know sex you got to be born and yeah get getting a lot of time to you know try not to murder somebody and they you know that started really optimistic and that took a turn oh yeah that's how it is man you seem like a positive guy you seem like you're always focused on positive on positive you're trying to stay positive because I know your story is a somewhat you know Herald harrowing I don't know yeah but like not not the happiest upbringing right yeah and so yeah one thing I've noticed just like I feel like you true you have this earnest attempt to really be positive about things and I'm envious of that I feel like I'm such a naturally cynical good and I like that about you well it's nice you to say that man it's another compliment appreciate it man I'm left to think of some yeah you better I'm waiting well I like you know it makes me sad if people don't feel good you know is I think a lot of times when I was young I just didn't feel good and I didn't know why and I'd sometimes I didn't even know I just thought that that was the world you know that this the world you just don't feel good in it and then I realized that it's not supposed to really be that way and and I realized that at a late age you know even just in the past couple years Wow so yeah I think that you know I want to yeah it just makes me sad if people are feeling bad and they and they don't realize that the world can be a little bit different you know that's one of these things that I kind of realized and through therapy too is like you only know what you know which is seems so obvious but like if your parents suck ass yeah and you're like oh well yeah my parents come home at 12 o'clock every night and I don't see them and that's just ever and that's just the way it is and then you go to and then you go talk to a therapist or you go to a friend's house someday and they're like fucking like having a conversation yeah their dad like what's go with the hell yeah so like your dad's a while yeah what we talk about yeah they're eating olives together in the afternoon oh yeah but yes this is different if you think yeah if you grow up in everybody's juggling and then you know yeah then you just always just you know maybe we're both hit in the head by balls you know oh wow you were going about that was dude but yeah but you're like then you're out in the world and everybody else is like dude what are you looking up in the air for all the time I'm scared that's a really good analogy is it because everyone's just damn in the world of jugglers yeah one man put down the balls Wow you're from you're from Louisiana nationally right yeah I'm from Louisiana so it's a good state of you guys been there know I'm such a poorly traveled dude mm-hmm I mean I'm from SoCal I know you have opinion about LA mmm-hmm so I realized ever pinyon about Hollywood I think right that's how I've realized even recently I totally agree and I don't have an opinion as much about LA you even get if I just because there's so many great people like you going like JK news you familiar with those guys yes and you go and you're like oh these are out this is LA and these this is amazing the vibe over there and the people having fun and the energy is great and and I'm like oh this is different than Hollywood yeah that's what I've learned that's that's right I'm glad to hear you say that not that I care about LA or anything no but it's so true you hear that all the time and and they like I hate LA mm-hmm kind of thing and if you if you're step in Hollywood it's a night I hate it too I can't fight a man with a needle like trying to stab you yeah there's the create oh you can catch an H eye on a couple of corners there yeah you know yeah yeah but but it's so much bigger than that yeah L is a huge city right like I never lived in Hollywood but I always lived in like the valley like around where we are now mm-hmm and it's nice it's there's a nice little suburb you know but how do you how do you compare to back back home Louisiana let me think I'll compare it well how do you like it here I don't well the traffic makes things tough obvious because you don't get to spend time with people and I grew up in a place like Louisiana and they're number one New Orleans their number one thing is tourism so handshake and touching people putting your hand on somebody's back while they're vomiting you know I'm saying natural empathic you know touches mm-hm you know so you know to go from tourism where it's like people spending time eating listening to music being in that environment people playing outdoors and more relaxed we're here where every side street turns into a highway you know it's like that's true do you'll be yeah like there's three lane alleys here that's true this is us on HIV Lane in a back alley the other day like Jesus it's crazy yeah so just the fact that there's so many people trying to get around and it makes it hard to actually be people and then I start to feel by myself because I'm not being a person and I'm not getting a reflection of myself off others so sometimes for me a lot I would learn about Who I am off of other people's or other people were feeling okay then I would feel okay if somebody smiled at me and be like oh I must be making somebody smile or being a part of a smile so then you know when you don't get that and you for somebody like me anyway when you don't get that in your in your car a lot or you're by yourself you don't get the reflection to know how you're behaving and then in my mind I would start thinking that I'm behaving bad or that I'm a bad person and then I get stuck in myself so for somebody like me it was tough to be in a place like this at first and you've learned to kind of find your your own space here yeah by the time the past couple years have gotten a lot better that's good yep meeting more regular people even podcasting in a lot of ways knowing that have a conversation to go to you know and meeting other people and just dude even in our conversation in LA was this that's why podcasting broke out cuz nobody was having the easy yeah yeah totally there's just people driving by with an angry lawyer back yeah no I think that's so true sometimes I did I have the same thing I'll sit in my house all day and I can't I like it forces me to have a conversation yeah one that I probably wouldn't normally have like how often do you sit down like and so intensely talk to anybody ready you do your you're more interesting guy than I am I feel like no I think I'm warm at the Comedy Store more and so you have max a home yeah so you have your your that's nice because you get to see people let's have some you know bigger conversations not that much I see it real tired during conversations you know I mean when I was yeah I'm really I'm that guy you know I'll take a break you're in a conversation I'll come back in a little bit you know because this conversations are real hard you know sometimes you get into you know the 40th minute of a conversation do you know what's going I don't think I've ever had a 40 minute conversation with anybody outside of a professional setting Wow maybe I mean with you obviously that's granted but like but like with a friend where you just sit and taught like talk about something I don't know yeah I don't get taught in a way I don't get taught right I'm up I'm a bad communicator I feel like I have a trouble connecting with people do you yeah do you feel like you do or do you think you actually do because those can be two different things so I think I'm really good at connecting with people our feet just touched me yeah you saw that that I wasn't sure if I was a special when I was an accident and I'm coming I'm sinking back over there oh that's eel magnetism I feel like I'm good at making that first kind of like superficial being like hey yeah [Laughter] cuz I feel like my dad is like the most superficial dude on the planet earth like he's made of like tinfoil oh really yeah what do you think it came from like a way he had to be or something like that like was there a reason why I'm sorry we're gonna go that's like the black hole trying to analyze my dad dude is it yeah Wow well he yeah there he he was his his background is super weird like his biological father was like a famous movie producer and that when he was like 5 years old his own dad fucking disowned him mm-hmm because they got divorced this is the crazy shit I can't imagine how fuck those make they got divorced mm-hmm and then my grandma went and married a new guy who adopted him but the biological dad never spoke to him again he started a new family and never fucking spoke to my dad again it even till the day he died he passed away that's crazy yeah and he wasn't like a he wasn't like a toddler I mean while toddlers bad it wasn't a newborn oh yes I've crucial 8su for that to happen I would feel like you know and then dad's just gone and you never see or hear from him yeah but you hear about his work probably oh yeah he was saw her envious because they were like wealthy and uh and famous and my dad he kind of fetishizes wealth and fame what it was it's therapy but my feet now no it's just this is good though this is good progress for me you know I learned recently that when something happens to a kid like a child you know they live in a world where they think the world revolves around them they don't really know that other people have or in the world as well they know they're there but that that it's their world together and so when something happens that they reflect a lot of it is their fault some reason they did something why this is you know so yeah I came and imagined that that kind of like what that would be like in your head I don't think he ever learned the thing is I there's a lot of things for me to be angry at my dad about but most of all you have to kind of always remember people are the way they are for a reason my dad never learned what it meant to be a father or what it meant to set my dad being a dad meant oh I don't even care about my don't even know he exists right I'm gonna I'm gonna go die and not even reach out you know my mom told me a story that when Jessica was born the first of our family she called his biological dad and was like hey we're having a kid you should call your you should call Gary and say congratulations and he never fucking did you believe that shit Wow what a nightmare well that issues are the craziest do you not care that's weird Wow a real token too when a baby comes in because that's like another opportunity for grandparents and parents to make amends usually a lot of times you know it's like you get out of jail that's very baby right in a weird way that's true that's a really good point man that's so wild man or you do you're doing your dad can y'all talk about that kind of stuff for you guys keep things more chill well so my dad you know my parents are together and he's always been a part of my life but he's like like I said he's like he's he's like a dude under a ghost sheet but there's actually just not a person there like a sheet like he watched TV he'll watch TV all day Wow he plans his day around what's on television it sounds up yeah yeah but oh way is coming back out so it does sound that part so he was like you're dead so stick and that's the probable and but but so circle back my dad his he's a Salesman run by nature and he's very good at making that superficial connection with me more like hey I'm Gary Klein you ever known you know but underneath it it's not even gilded because there's got to be a little gold on top I say tinfoil interesting wow man I suggested a little fuck it's a vicious trap maybe that's his must have a person he was as he was able to develop yes yeah it may be in the like it's you know like maybe it was hard for even a him to develop that that outer layer absolutely that is yeah man I totally and so that again I bet the baby will help I hope so I mean I bet it could in some ways that you may never even see you know our don't know but like I couldn't stand my sister you know and uh and then she had a baby and like I just could stand her you know and I could stand her and then uh it just helped me learn to look at women differently just I don't know and I never expected anything like that I didn't really care you know I didn't have any sense of family and then it kind of changed a lot of our family or hold on hold a lot of our family so yeah maybe that could be something that could be cool yeah you know my sister had a baby the first time my dad was always like the hardest guy toughest guy like he wouldn't even really show affection at all he's just kind of like tough all the time and then when she had a baby Olson it was like sweet Whitman baby and like we saw sides we never saw probably since probably since you were a little yeah yeah which is the magic I think of having kids because what I'm excited about about fatherhood is that like you have this magical opportunity to see your own self again from that different vantage point yeah and so you get to reframe your whole life in a way that makes it makes way more sense because you see yourself you're like oh yeah oh that's what I was like when I was five yeah do you think back to like embarrassing shit you did when you were like let's say 12 or you I have this problem I'll be elected to it I can't believe I did that but in your mind you're thinking back as an adult you see a 30 year old dude in a 12 but then you see yourself as a 12 year old be like how could I blame myself for what I did this 12 year old is fucking barely sentient yeah the social just eight nine involved in the carport yeah how could I think that at that age I'm having new anything it's been that's funny I never thought about that yeah we take this adult brain and put it back into a child's behavior and then feel bad about it for act in a certain way yeah man yeah I think I do that a lot probably yeah so I don't know I've been thinking a lot about fatherhood is a trip man a time elided yeah a little bit yeah he told me that I just got such a I feel so excited for you guys that's cool that's brave yeah not brave you just fucking squirt it did everyone shitting out babies oh did I used to work at a donut shop bra when I was growing up man and and dude we would always make sexual jokes and me filling up no nuts dude you know oh yeah oh here's Todd a little bit of raspberry in there you know trip me out another thing about childbirth we tried for like two years motherfuckers there's like a billion and a 1.5 billion people in India what are they why am i why is it so hard for me to have a baby but there's like 10 billion people in China you got a cook you got it alone they can't stop and here we are obscene doctors humping yeah get that curry Lube thing you got to do something man you know put a little it's that Rhino to us yeah George draw a little law what's that elephant that pushes all the obstacles out of the way don't mail Gargamel no not Dumbo dangle adesh I think gang love - dude you got to get a gangly - that's you on your hip yeah all right oh you were oh gee because I'm saying yeah he makes good sperm they say you know elephant can make almost like 7 quarts of sperm how much is that with your hands can you show me because I don't yeah I can show you you know I love I can't visualize ounces you can't I can't well how much is one ounce Oh 1 ounce is probably off this much in a cup that's about this big you're fucking and on it I love little amounts what's your favorite little um I would probably say a graham but a wet graham a wet grant yeah because it's that is smaller than then it appears yeah Graham anybody could do that a wet graham you'll get like a fancier element or something yeah you know like mercury yeah you know you could get a wet grandma mercury do it are you what's up Wyatt you're like educated all the sudden with chemistry and shit talking about every mercury telly every elements no yeah you know I'm not trying to give you that idea oh no I know but like you're just that's pretty impressive oh no man I just like you small amounts no I've always we had a bunch of I remember for Christmas one year I got a bunch of little cups and stuff and we would love doing that kind of stuff you know just having small amounts of this or you know small amounts of that you know I love that kind of stuff yeah another world you're a chemist and another life well the periodic table speaking of semen man we had always thought SEMA should be on the periodic table you know is the fucking grandfather as the ball of the real element of life boron bro talk about nut to Boron's for hos like the periodic table cheers from out ain't Stein iam oh what's this a rock of I'm Stein iam in my backyard and I think that maybe Israeli propaganda dude yes Don iam what is it dude long hair haven't slept much wearing women food he does that you wore one MIDI really yeah I could see that being fun for him he's just a wacky dude he's like dude black holes women shoes fuck like crazy by the way did he really was a womanizer he fucked like crazy he's like he's like MC swear my yeah Einstein what was his first name Lawrence number Albert Lawrence he would've never become anything if his name was Larry Einstein Einstein man that guy's not famous at all that guy's smarter than motherfucker nobody will fuck who is his brother did I bet his brother was a real fuckup yeah who went to sleepaway camp years after he was too old to be there yeah like damn if you're 17 brother 9 wait ice that's kind of a dope name can you can you be Einstein today are you know what you're gonna be fucked for a life because that's a bad comparison to set yourself up for like oh I nine over here right but it's a dope name it is a good name but if they but yeah he ruined it by being too dope today for Hitler ruined it by being too andö the under that's the best way to establish a bond he wins it yeah man those are dark artists right there all of them really and I sign I think is too because you know to be playing around in women's shoes with electricity or shit at the house bro when there's no fire department's back then I think you may be thinking of uh you gotta be really you gotta be kind of cruel of the middle you gotta have a cruel caramel Center well nothing's darker than a black hole and that's what he predicted did he really in the end in his theory of relativity predicted black holes and he he did the mash he crunched the numbers and he's like according to this theory and I'm the most brilliant guy alive so according to this theory there's black holes and he's like but this is such so strange that this could exist that my theory must be wrong Wow and he died before they found actual black holes but he in his math and in his imagination he was like this thing is so fucking weird that this could exist that this theory is wrong isn't that crazy that's like having such an imagination coupled with such a just like the ability to like the facts the figures and just that's fascinating just to have both of those things and that severe I love learning about him he was he was like one in a billion I mean and I by the by the accounts he would just sit there all day like in his office and just think like in the fucking matrix bro he would have thought he would call them thought experiments that's how we figured out like all this shit about light and gravity and explain nobody explained what gravity was until he had a theory of gravity well people never just kind of wait loitering well no Isaac Newton had this theory of gravity in motion but I I'm steins the guy who figured out the time and spaces of fabric oh and that gravity bends it like he just was this guy was so brilliant he sat in his office and he was having a thought experiment and he imagined the more mass you had the more you bended this fabric of space and it's fucking crazy that's crazy imagine didn't go into telling somebody come and tell your neighbor that yeah bro where's Larry I liked him better yeah I just saw a guy outside of the DSW shoes and he yeah crazy imagine what he you think he fucked like awesomely or you think I was like he fucked nasty it one's really nasty science not that there's not attractive science girls no but I don't think he was like you know like a basic kind of sexual guy you think he was like doing wild stuff in equations he was like let me yeah why don't we just drop me from a hundred feet in China you know if you want to do that I wish I knew it could go either way I bet there's drawings I bet somebody grew him fucking he's proud I imagine some yeah oh my god wait mm-hmm did I totally forgot uh we're supposed to take a break I've been having such a blast know what dance said um you having a blast almost cried one time did you I mean it was good but yeah it's still fun what time at what point did you almost fell I mean I don't know man probably about the just I don't know man your dad just doing ice boys yeah and the radio did he do radio I he was she did yeah he take by the way all my success he takes credit how'd you percent credit for he's like yep that's my boy I was like that I've done good just watch The Bachelor damn what did you send me I can't find the link looked it up and he had mistresses while married because when you're that smart and you're that stressed you got a fuck DJ I guess it's all part of the same equation yeah if I was real stressed out and I had to do science all day dirty became all items oh this fucking chromium on my sleeve fuck somebody yeah dude imagine you fuck some girl and next thing you know you left a bunch you know like who you know you had someone your code and you know next thing you know she's got a theory I'm all over imagine the lawsuit I bet he was in a lot of lawsuits I think back then was just different like you could walk around women's shoes I didn't think aids was around them like he probably was strapping on I bet he had aids in the house he invented it he's like all right guys we're like I saw into the future you don't want it you're saying yeah hey take a whiff of this Tiffany I love I love learning about Einstein man he's such a fucking freak he's he's so smart he's so ahead at a time like not only did he figure out what the space and time are I'll fabric mm-hmm the gravity bends he also figured out a equals MC square which is what he figured out what light is nobody understood what light was what they think it was just a bunch of brightness around him well think well think what is it you know it's hard to conceptualize it yeah they probably thought it was God well he figured out like you know religious then it did he was so brilliant man I'd fuck him I take the night on him you would oh yeah I think I missed on him deposit it house Hermione Granger not an element the Granger Hermione Granger she might be oh yeah that's Drive injected in a while yeah I haven't either but yeah man and what I have sex with Einstein dude if I wasn't gay wait I don't know if I would I mean I'm not gay but if I wasn't also gay like in another time I get back in time it wasn't gay there yeah yeah because you can go back in time and be gay that's one of the things I heard you go back in time do you know you meet a lot of men it depends on where you go dude your fantasies about going back in time but do if you use the thing think you go back in time you get there you're like hey I'm from the future yeah and you're just a dude is walking around most straight dude you like get the fuck out of my yard buddy you know but Gators you like hey come tell me about it you've thought about this man well think about that though no make sense if you're you know you show up you're clean you know yeah a lot of Gators I'm like oh I'll listen to this guy fuck all right you know gay guys aren't always super friendly you know sometimes they have sexual deviant you know they can be really wild yeah and so sometimes they want to do dirty stuff and be wild with people and they so if yeah if you were some guy who's got a secret yeah oh that's a fucking bow dude that's fucking gay babe David love uh see yeah you're right do you wanna fuck a guy tell him you got a secret dude and two cups of coffee back at your place but you're I do sometimes I'm jealous of gay dudes because they they fuck so good by gay dudes because you think like guys are they try to fuck anything already yeah but then when you put like when you mix that together it's like those two elements are not supposed to mix together like fuck water and sodium explodes yeah - gate and two guys because they always want to fuck you put them on Grindr or whatever and you know what they're why they call Grindr because those dicks spark and make fuckin fire but really I'm all the grinding together Flint and Stanley huh and I and I don't mean to uh no son see I'm not disparaging the gay community no I'm saying I'm jealous that they all fuck like crazy and they're working out and they are look good yeah dude when I was yellowy bad I would be a bad guy you would be a good guy I wouldn't like it though what after all that I wouldn't like it and I think it looks fun the parties look fun you know some of the cocaine you know people pretending they're not gay but really are gay looks fun I don't know that's not you I just couldn't do it I got too much shit to deal with man I think for me yeah you know it's already I just couldn't yeah I thought about it for a little while when I was younger and I was like maybe I'm gay but I was just really lonely yeah and uh and then I was like yeah I'm not gay man I just maybe when I'm 80 because that 80 is who gives up nobody even cares like like who cares if that guy want to shoot up yeah heroin go all out some dick yeah I'm serious I've thought about like if I'm 80 and like you passed away like if you passed away ELA before me and I'm sitting then and like our kids Theodore put me in a fucking old home he took our money we work our asses off we fucking good made good investments got a nice little fun he's gonna take all that he's gonna get me a nice retirement home so he doesn't feel bad about who's gonna feel guilty so it's like the bat Swan but they still serve jello and fucking microwave chicken I'm like what does it matter oh I'm gonna get some heroin I'm sayin or all you could put me in this fucker and me give me a couple little grim you gotta get me some air when and you gotta fund me up you got to get me gay prostitutes Wow you're gonna get busted what are they gonna do huh and at least know that you're doing it oh I'm 80 well yeah I agree about me by that but they're gonna bail is dead and gone that's that's the sorrow though if eel is gone then the store need excite I need to bury the sorrow after his wife passed this happens you're basically the show Ricky Gervais is just posted oh you're right they're like oh yeah I have the podcast I go when I get in a case you know dark holes where people are we but I've never done the time travel and that's why and a lot of men would hit on you but it's true man if some guys out on the interstate right now he's from the future right first of all if you're from the future do you end up fucking homeless nobody's like oh hey here's somebody from the future let me listen no one yeah you gotta play that close to the best way cool dude you don't drop any f-bombs you know what I'm saying like yeah right now we do got a break okay we do have to take a break guys we're gonna take a quick break we've got so many goofs and gasps and laughs and future speculation to come we've got dad talk we've got all kinds of stuff you don't want to miss so let me just wrap up this me introducing the commercial break so we can get past that and get back to the show oh you thought without further ado you're in the commercials dude the future stitch fix is a beautiful thing for a guy like me and a guy like you that wants to look good but doesn't want to go through the hassle of going to a store picking out clothes happy to care about clothes maybe you don't have a mom or a girlfriend that's sad 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can compare quotes find the right policy and save up to 40% billing it and that's actually serious I've personally saved a ton of money through going through brokers instead of going straight so policy genius okay guys hit it up it's the easy we're way to compare and buy insurance policies policy genius.com back with Theo von we were talking about well first of all guys okay have you been convinced yet that that you need to catch him on tour go to Theo von Romme and get some tickets right right safe yeah good all right next we're doing some shows out it'd be fun yeah weekend if you like the heat you like the you know what else do they have I think they got illegal immigrants if you like that I mean that's a place to meet them yeah you know they're looking to meet people I'm sure house they're not a dating site for the head there you just got here because ice would be like I should make that site oh that's true legal illegal date dot ice yeah paperless gov gov that's so weird paperless looking to meet somebody because that there probably is a real need for that actually when you think about it whether they all hang out around the same spots they met each other they're back they they're there they're doing it the old-fashioned way they meet up at the fucking I don't wanna say anything to slippery slope Ross Dress for Less that's what I'm thinking to my boss they yeah you were wrong yeah no I like Ross but hyotei is in the sale bin coming it's the dog they got some undercurrents you know what else is crazy what's that one across a buyer I don't want to see I can't say it cuz I gotta find out how it's done I was enjoying that conversation yeah what did you want to go in a different direction well just to remember that remember that song riders on the stone yeah of course you know that song was about advertisers people that advertise they got plane that that that part of it was about you know when they have a plane in the air eat they said like eat at Joe's a big item okay I saw that in a documentary on hate radio and I was like what deaf fuck that that's what that line was a browser because I was thinking like like you your imagination goes wild when you hear these lines yeah Dan that's so sick but he was just tripping out in the desert and there was a fucking airplane with the scientists baffling man and I was like that's not that psychedelic yeah it's like hey if it was just like did I mean he he made it sound really cool yeah but yeah riders on the storm LLC I'm sure it says yeah yeah defunct now yeah yeah yeah that's just one of those cases of the world is not always as it seems now yeah cuz I think riders on the storm what is it like you know I still picture like a dark guy and like a boat with like lightning coming out of his eyes yeah you know just like in a rowboat on a cloud kind of close there's a guy in a plane maybe with some but no goggles on yeah probably drinking tang they stepped tang backbone tank spike tank what do you spike ting with I think probably liquor more water if it's too thick later I don't think water spiking that's a hard life when you spike with water I'm gonna spike this punch it's way too sweet I got to dilute this good I was you got me thinking about Einstein though you got me thinking about it I don't even know what I mean I barely I knew a little bit about it what he did I've seen his black on my photos mm-hmm you know I've seen some of the drawings of each he he probably changed the world this is a hard statement to quantify but he probably changed the world more than any certainly that's so hard to quantify who could say yeah be out of him in Jesus Christ probably he's just crisis watch and then the white when you watch The Bachelor if you leave today we're all watch The Bachelor right I'll watch it at home or watch it on Hulu like the delayed episode wait who's Daniel white Dana White who does the UFC that guy is oh he brought back kind of like Roman fighting okay you know trying to think of other people that are black theater ask shit yeah are you not entertained yeah yeah that's kind of but I'm trying to think of other people that have really changed the world sorry I was just yeah I thought you my mind I was like we owe this guy saw him forever no yeah we've been talking a lot I'm Stein watched The Bachelor is what you owe well that's a question would he get addicted to the thing would it ended his whole career yeah he didn't have like my dad he's like oh yeah he would have take it but if my dad was like the fucking smartest guy everybody just watched The Bachelor all day you watch this shit even worse than that bro yeah does he - what's worth what else actually there's just well so where's darker place yet because that's a real addicted the bachelors addictive this flowers there's love this possibility there's traveling I always wonder why I'm watching it - oh yeah while I'm watching it it's simultaneously but there so there is worse than The Bachelor but at a certain point it becomes kind of dope like when you go on TLC and you see shows like my little life yeah my huge wife my littlest life yes about little people it's like white that's it yeah it's about a family of little people because it's so free because it's all so you can't even really unless you're a neighbor you can't go hang out with a family of little people that is a luxury that may be reason I have yeah if you even from two houses over you can't fuck him to stop by a mill around all the time taking photos and that would be strange so a lot of it is the ability to just drop in there and see what's going on yeah you know a little bit little people big problems was one day oh wow they actually named it that well cuz if they're originally they had a little people big world with the pumpkin farmers fascinating yeah and then they had you know you growing the largest vegetables and you're smaller yes how do you even carry that pumpkin and how do you even just to take that on and say you know what yeah we could grow kumquats brah we could grow grapes like our other fucking you know like our ancestors as little weak bitches but let's go fucking large bro let's go pumpkins and change the world and they did you know the Roloffs man I followed that family you know I think the son was a male model for a little while in college you know followed them up until I about four years ago what happened I got tired of it and also then I realized they're children I'm looking up children on the Internet oh yeah even though I was doing a perm you know just kind reasons I felt like it was still started to make me it was wind also a lot of we're doing it for uncon reasons that I'm gonna get caught up because I was using my neighbor's Wi-Fi he's a good guy and I don't want that I people handed on him there every time somebody knocked on his door kit here I'm gonna text it right now it just say look scary that you can use someone's wife fine through all this gnarly shit like I know that never even occurred to me at all somewhat recently i remember i when i was broke in college i asked my neighbor can't believe I did that you there's two there's two types of people in this world people who ask if they can use their neighbor's Wi-Fi and those the doll yeah I need a cup of your Wi-Fi and you did it well I was like bro we just split the car oh that's a good deal okay because I was broke and the internet was fucking expensive and they were predatory too and that college town they're like oh yeah you need a little internet $60 a month to him I'm like bro I didn't even yeah I'm net I'm losing money every day you know so I said I'll give you 30 bucks let's split the internet and I just downloaded a ton of kiddie porn and I think jail now Jesus Christ no that's all that's joking oh yeah dude I remember when the before they even had child pornography when children were just not you know doing that and they had somebody one time when I was in college sent me a picture of two old men and they were naked in a room I remember getting this email out lemonparty and they'd seen the same image and they had a kid like sitting on a bed no I haven't seen that image right and I in my mind I'd never thought about old people and children and sex you know or anything wild like that so I remember seeing me like oh this is fucking hilarious but I remember seeing him in like what a crazy idea like you know everybody is naked you know and so like life is naked this is just an you know it's almost like an art like this is how people you know it's like this is when they're old and this is when they're young and these guys are you know watching TV or whatever you know I thought so I sent it to everybody I knew I was like god this is so silly and dude I remember like two years later running into an ex-girlfriend and she goes well what have you been up to with your life right she was yeah well nobody will forget that time you send that picture of two pin and then make it kid everybody know like that's what that was oh my guess what that was if you look at it like a freak executed by everybody you know I just thought it was like I thought it was like seeing a couple rabbits in a yard you know when you see two rabbits on a goats back like in a photo sure yeah like I thought it was like that oh let's just mix the world you know I didn't think of it as sad did you get any responses I know that girls won seven when that girl told me that then I started to feel I mean I think that probably made me feel bad about myself because then I thought I don't remember I don't have that account anymore you know who's on that email list seen that it's still looking for you she also said the kid she goes was that you in the photo because the kid looked like me a little bit that's why I think somebody had originally sent it to me like hey man is this you I was like no it's not me dude I don't know two old people that would be naked in a room with me you know and just take him photos so I wasn't thinking like oh these guys are being dirty you know it's sad that you can't even be safe you can't be even clean anymore sometimes if you want to of heart without it going to like a dirty place you look at a tribe you see now those photos those people standing around a fire all the time everybody's fucking naked yeah but that's okay no I agree it's you know you know to you know through to seniors and uh you know and a seven-year-old in a motel 6 and suddenly now that's everyone you know yeah it's not cool that's not cool my yeah bro you know that ain't I err so it's different it's a bit different how we see it through different lenses and it's unfair sometimes yeah like if you took a picture in your yard you got your grandparents to be outside naked right and they're nice people mm-hm and then you get your little nephews to be out there right and you get a cute picture of them out by the clothing line mm-hmm and they're all naked but it's nice outside right it's not nighttime and then you send that to a call people like wow crazy day looking for food right okay but you take a picture out of any National Geographic which is basically what they're saying if every single one and suddenly those people totally fine doing anything Wow it's just people looking for goji berries and then you over here just because it takes place a you know a couple miles Detroit everybody's going to jail it's crazy it's crazy you can't be a clean family you can't be a family that just you know everything it's now and I don't know if the perversion comes from the inside these days as much as it comes from the outside you know absolutely yeah because while all the sudden everybody's a pedophile ya know what happened yeah why's everybody fuckin just bored out walking the most people just looking at him making them well sure I mean yeah that's the locals are say that you're right I should have said that yeah well it's important to get the facts made yeah yeah we don't want people thinking about that or I don't anyway and I said but it's your show what do I mean know by air but like why you know I think about that myself like why all of a sudden it seems like that's like the cool thing to do not like cool but like all these powerful old folks are just like putting their do what's going on yeah yeah if they just got now some of it could be an extreme wealth you know it back in Rome whenever they got too much power at a certain point they just ran out of things to do and so like you know your lizard mind goes to that next thing you got that sugar lizard your head like I never tried tennis is always happening but you don't have their I guess you couldn't have the exposure I just I I try to you have to be so evil to do that I was talking about the Michael Jackson thing a lot I don't know if you want to get it so polarizing and you don't want if you don't have a strong opinion I wouldn't even recommend yeah I don't have any opinion come to your house you get it wrong I mean I'll but but but people like let's say hypothetically he did it mmm-hmm it's like yeah you just like why you gonna fuck kids but did he start what do you think here's the thing and here's our thing it's a good point there's good-looking people out there why do you have to he probably I would guess stop developing emotionally at some young age but you still develop sexually so then you have these weird young emotions that are very real like oh you know like giving a Valentine to a kid you know to a kid at school or you know like your first girlfriend or like kissing behind a tree you have all those like little things that are real to you as an adult as you stopped emotionally there but sexually you're still you know your your whatever age you are so I would guess when those two things meld in the weird world he was in of ego and also then a capability and then you end up probably doing in that type of a weird world so they feel okay that's that's a good insight you gotta be right about that maybe I am no well there's got to be a reason but the thing is like you can be attracted to kids but you don't have to molest them yeah that takes a special evil because it's like if you're attracted to kids I don't know what happened in your life to make you that way but it's out of your control I don't think anyone would would uh would choose to be attracted to kids oh no I mean that's a horrible that's all curse yeah imagine bending down every time you want it you know hug somebody or kissing you know or you having to get down you know like sit down and that would be horrible you couldn't date a kid yeah you couldn't they can't you can't go to any of the same places people would look at you weird yeah you know you'd have to put mustaches on man that would be crazy to really date them you know I'm not the kind of guy who would have sex with the child ever you know would I take a kid out for a nice meal and drop them off without touching them yeah that's good on you I am that guy that's good yeah bro you want true why does it become such a thing now that every person cuz then it makes it oh you don't want to interact with kids and then the kids everybody's scary person because they're not interacting with everyone scared everyone's a pedophile everyone's a predator it feels like real scary and then it makes you super paranoid about yourself too like yeah like I don't know you know what I mean yeah you know yeah oh dude I don't know when we were young we used to go to the armed kmb store they used to have a kmb store it was like a CVS before CVS and Walgreens bought everybody out and we'd be in the store do me and my friend Daniel and you had to run over if he said when they had a kid we'd be like dude you sneak over there touch that kids neck and run off right so we would just play this game like how many next kids next you could walk like nothing crazy sexual touch that kids neck and escape will do this bro we get up to about 30 kids necks in a day bro people fucking like scared [Laughter] we got a little too freakin wild and I remember this one boy's dad beat the shit out of him was that Werther's Originals he beat him with a bag of Werther's robinette fucking hurt him how bad is it wasn't that big of a bag mean the only head like right there hard and when you get him mixed up that densely yeah it's a packs of extra punch yeah and he'd beaten with a couple bags actually I love those there's two types people in the world people who love were theirs and people that don't you look where there's I do I love them I didn't think I would though I think it's okay you used to hate him yeah what's changed since you are with child that you now or uh do you feel like food was there anything taste wiser mmm just eating a lot of sweets yeah sugar baby it's a thing they called sympathy Michael you should have seen this burger yesterday I wish we took a picture of it man I don't want to make a dude I've gained like 20 pounds Wow because she's not much of an eater and when she eats I get excited yeah cuz I'm repressing my hunger all the time around her right and now she's eating so now you get to let it and the monsters out yeah he's raging my little Einstein and he don't love lettuce you know I'll take I'll eat lettuce as long as I'm three fucking patty row three patty lettuce is one of the best things ever bro you watch the but I saw you tweet about the Bachelorette you watch The Bachelor dude I went over to David Spade's house one item watch the bathroom which was very crazy was he's super into it he loves it like too much way too much he knew everyone and not only that he made me sit on the sofa he sat behind the sofa in a chair you don't like sofas do but that's that Broman thing you get so Roman that you get furniture you don't sleep on a bag you sleep in a fucking you know you got four men holding you up it's not more comfortable it's just higher level yes what can I do next yeah so but yeah we watched a full episode and you know I've enjoyed it okay because I saw you tweeting out about the Bachelorette choice of Hanabi you said no yes you're familiar enough with her is that such it I found her to be the least likable one on the whole show yes and they gave her I think about the whole premise of The Bachelor that trips me out is the assumption that everybody wants to marry this person it's like it's like that person's not like the new one with Colton I was like this motherfucker doesn't have a job yeah yeah they go they kept going yeah I guess he's like a big strong guy so the girls kept being like he makes me feel safe as a you know to make a girl feel safe get a fucking job yeah go war and a lot but yeah it's like yeah what's he gonna like what they gotta have a job it's like what do they find it what are they competing for this guy he he's never even fucked he's a virgin yeah yeah he hasn't fucked and he doesn't have a job this guy's not even a catch dude he's basically and he's like a middle school that's everybody in middle school boy or girl and they vanish like hold hands and kiss and they're like I want to marry him yeah and I'm supposed to believe that they're all about and so I guess that's part of the joys because it's so but then when I really got a dose of reality is the episodes when they said with the live audience oh yeah and they're 90 percent women and they're like they're so into it that's the what these women fantasize the fans about a man who can keep them safe doesn't have a job and has never had sex yeah they were so invested I like three guys yeah I didn't I can do that I think I don't even like doing sex that much man it's really you know it's like me I feel like it's like meeting somebody during like a busy time of day and having to be exactly on time just makes me kind of what you've said and I stand it because as Jerry Seinfeld once said and I love forgot for many guys sex is just like a car crash yes is just lots of noise confusion screeching yeah and then you guys are staying on another onion you're in just two people that have just fucked that are in a room together right what now yeah what's the maxillary yeah well that's what Sibylla are all times I should all didn't analyze a 24-hour bath routine oh yeah that's a good call did you see actually I want to show you some videos oh yeah did you see the guy rapping for Hanabi did you know how they Brett they bring out these guys you can watch it right here now Colton's handsome I mean he's handsome he is he might not like him because he's handsome at all you have a thing no I do not yeah in fact I would say I you know when I was younger I used to resent handsome guys yeah but as I've matured and as I found my own I mean I've listened it would be violating I don't need anything I'm good I don't resent handsome guys so I look at him I say that's a handsome guy mmm-hmm he's probably his dick is probably so small that's why he's never fucked you think his dick is probably like a size of a tic tac why would that kind off ever fuck why would he why see why would that it doesn't make sense maybe there's a fish you know sheepish cuz his dicks the size of a little fucking baby ACORN not even like a fully won't grown ACORN I don't know why you think man that's what I that's what I it see like well yeah may I don't know I don't dislike him but it's just a guy he's just a fucking guy right I see he's just a guy on the street that I passed by and now all the whoa what about one of these girls what do they know about him other than he's attractive right yeah I guess I am angry yeah because of that I can grease and I'm angry at a lot of things and I don't know I'm angry right I get that man I get angry a lot of times dude like I find myself fucking angry bro and I'm just like what am I so angry and yeah hey people like what can I do for you shit I'm still angry shut up yeah yeah I get mad at I get mad at everything wonder what that comes from man that makes me mad too cuz I I'm so funny you say that I'm gonna fight in my life right now it's just like I'm angry about stuff sometimes and everything is going ok that's the one then that makes it worse and why do I deal with it with anger yeah what I eat with anger yeah you get mad at yourself you get angry at yourself the real truth is that I believe it's self-loathing like so no matter what is going on you the source of anger isn't is yourself so you can't escape it mmm like if you react the way you react it's all comes down to how you feel about things and if you're the way you're reacting to things is frustrating you're you're not enjoying the way you're acting you're acting unhealthy like I always get angry or irritable yes so you you hate yourself and you get tired of it this is dark it's kind of dark but you get tired of being yourself in a lot of ways yeah and so I feel like it's an anger that's always there at yourself so it kind of bubbles out right yeah but there I don't know they're you know no I think if that's true there's an anger somewhere inside of me always at myself for some reasons that are probably even invisible or might at some point in my life I thought I you know I thought bad things about myself thought negative things I experience things that something was wrong with me so then I got angry at the way that I was mm-hmm so yeah maybe there's a bunch of anger there but then like how do I beat it you know so probably you know probably helping other people somehow I think that's a beautiful thought I mean I haven't developed that far yet I'm still selfish yeah I mean I'm just trying to think how to beat it because it can't stay inside you for them right no that's a really that's really wise I've just started like therapy and taking antidepressants oh wow you're just there you just got I started that like six months ago Wow and before that I was a fucking mess bro like I was could not function Wow like I literally couldn't function so that's been a painful man people think then you're mean to sometimes not saying you and I never was ever heard that I'm saying that I don't know I was mean but that's the thing and then you can't function it's miserable being miserable and the worse it smell and like you said you've got everything going for you got the dream job you're married wife you got that not zygote all going on wavy on zag or trimester super wizard yeah yeah man a lot of blessings huh and then and then you're like fuck you know it's funny you know did I just I keep talking about it because I'm dealing with some of the same stuff like everything's okay and then why can't I just you found yourself you're angry a lot recently yeah and just I don't know what it's at and I I don't let it out very much you know but it's like yeah I just don't know why I'm just so frustrated you know you get em when you don't let it out then it comes out in a different way you're not even aware right like I don't know I noticed how about me what about me I was another how you tolerated me not necessarily you I had this weird like shoulder pain oh dude it's it's it's gonna sound crazy but I had this shoulder pain that started out of nowhere and then it just kept getting worse and worse and worse until like when I would get it it would last for like a week and I couldn't function and like I did all the tests and MRI whatever and everything was fine sorry you sip of water yeah take your time I get nervous sometimes and when there's dead air but really there's nothing wrong you know what that wasn't that bad of a dead air moment sometimes I'll be listening to shows and the dead air goes for so long you gotta like open your phone and you bet it's still playing yeah oh there's one more a guy died there's an early dinner and people are like oh shit man and people the funny thing is you'll be listen if you don't know we died you're like what the fuck man you're fucking with me again fuck with notes first piece of shit this so much that's a fuckin suave move if you're gonna die okay go in there buddy yeah no I let's go back to a live air yeah I ended up you actually bought me this book about the pain treatment was heard of Howard Stern I'm a fan of Howard Stern hmm and he was and this I this sounded like pseudoscience the stupidest shit ever but he is always going on and on about this doctor he's a genius he saved my life he's lightyears ahead and and I was like well okay I'm gonna buy this book for ela because there's people out there with back pain they probably want to know that I yeah man I've partial discectomy what is that it took out part of my desk Oh at the hospital were you injured yeah so I'll find it in a second but I I started reading this book and like it sounded like complete bullshit at first and I almost I almost like just gave up on the book but I kept reading and at first he's just describing your symptoms and it was like spot-on exactly what I was experiencing and then he describes the calm personality that usually happens to him and it was exactly me too and then he starts explaining that basically it's it's actually psychological and it comes from something that caused a bunch of anger and you knew that you weren't aware of and your body you weren't letting it out so it ends up manifesting itself in this way that makes the pain and it was like it's gonna sound crazy but the treatment is just understanding that that's what it is and then it actually goes away and it went away and like I couldn't believe it I kept telling either dude like it's so ridiculous because I don't believe shit I'm the most cynical asshole you thought that why don't ya notice she wouldn't she wouldn't even wear necklaces I stopped wearing jackets even like anything a little heavy it was a real sensitivity yeah hmm and I so she read this fucking I didn't think you finished the book you just read half of it what you were healed I well the banding was just kind of who reads a whole book I got no but like that that was a real shocking thing to me because I truly never believed in life in that kind of like mystical connection she's like mine and body like that literal healing back pain I think that's what it is I think it's what was called yeah and the guy he don't fuck her up the title it's just called healing back pain Jesus yeah yeah man XII pain I think a lot of it does come from stress and hiding it in different places and stuff like that my mother goes to a tapping place they do a tapping like the people that tap you and they just sloppy around yeah basically really yeah I mean you got to pay them you know dude I used to go downtown when I first moved here a couple Vietnamese dudes would beat the fuck out of here for 40 50 $70 and they put you in that dog suit the bite suit that they have you know at FBI training and next thing you know dude these guys are beat the shit out of you and brought what you left there you you didn't have a lot to worry about Oh give me I'll get that recommendation from you yeah I don't still open I can't X it's dealing back then no it's okay when you get angry do you get angry like inanimate objects or people like how do you show your anger you're fresh or you're so it's a good question man um I think I get angry at inanimate objects mm-hmm I lose my ability to to have empathy or sympathy you know in brief moments and a lot of times for me it's about control anything where there's like control like I don't want somebody controlling me I don't like somebody telling me what to do mm-hm which makes it sometimes tough for me to work with others but I'm recognizing that those are two different things now so I can start to have a little bit more peace about them but yeah and so when I feel like somebody's trying to tell me what to do or there's control or somebody didn't treat or it's not somebody's they're not being fair to me or to someone else like those are the things that really like fairness I feel like it's very you know that makes me just so angry I feel like but yeah when I meant when I get angry it just yeah it sometimes it's just like this gremlin inside of me that just wants to fucking escape you know and I don't know and sometimes I'll just yeah be rude I'll be short with people sometimes and usually it's people that I work with so it's like more in a work environment fortunately I feel like I'm able to come back around and like recognize it a lot of times but I still wish that I could eradicate it you know the worst is I used to did I totally feel the same way I don't think I really had I don't understand my triggers but I would get in these really pissy and I would come in here to the office and let me short and just fucking such a bitch you know yeah and I didn't and I so didn't want to be that way and I'd be like even in my own head like oh it's one of those days where I'm a fucking bitch yeah where I'm an asshole yeah cuz then you're really at a certain point I'm being victim I am being a weak to whatever is controlling me and so that started to be like that have just recently started to be like even in this conversation I need to find some healthy means to be able to figure that out and process it so that I don't let this anger have control over me because it shouldn't you know because then it just yeah it just affects other people and and you don't want to be meeting other people you don't want to hurt anybody especially people that always like being supportive or trying to help exactly and you don't worry yeah you can't work you can't appreciate people you become you become so cynical right and then like like fuck like that guys didn't he fucked up and didn't do this and he didn't do that yeah cuz you your lens you got that dark lens on yeah yeah that's exactly yeah it's a perspective thing it's it it's true and then when you put on those fucking clear glasses that is reality yes like oh this guy's tried his best guys the best and like I do everything perfect fuck no oh yeah and and then I'm the guy who shows up at the last minute it was a fucking asshole doesn't do shit comes here leaves them work and they're the assholes yeah fuck you I know fuck that guy fuck that and I would hate that guy yeah yeah that's the that's the that's I think the deep truth is that knowing you would hate that guy if you met him yeah you'd be like fuck that guy's a fucking douche yeah why would he be like that yeah yeah it's sad and that's what I would also think from about that guy oh that's sad man and it said that he feels that way I said that he has so much anger about something it said that he can't see the joys in his own life you know yeah it's uh I don't know I think this conversation is even kind of helpful to think about it doesn't happen to me a lot but I do notice it happens to me and some of it is like how much stress do I want to put on myself am I trying to do too much am i reaching outside of my means so that my system is trying to tell me hey man like this isn't some of your path you're being tempted by you know different things or things you don't even want to be and right that's truth there's truth to that I found that to be true it's hard to recognize those signals - it takes wisdom yeah I think it's it's hard to recognize him it takes even having conversations like this I think yeah you know in my love I love I think a lot of people I think everybody to one degree or another can relate oh yeah I don't have to be in any position and so I think that I love having conversations like this because on a personal level yeah I love it I love hearing what you're going through yeah someone who's in a similar situation of me but then other people who everyone blames themselves I think in general I know I have a problem and I think people in general have a problem like loving like genuinely loving themselves or you don't have to love yourself you just can tolerate yourself it's almost sounds like insane to me yeah idea of loving yourself it is maybe it's name I don't know but like what do you mean by that sorry to interrupt you I because I'm so not capable you having myself that it almost sounds to me like a joke when you say it's like a little psycho oh yeah oh it's crazy yeah I actually feel the same way like it almost well then it's like what are you a narcissist what do you love yourself you're not that great right the fuck do you write but yeah but see that point and whenever that part isn't us that thing will never stop that thing will always hit the ball from one side of the court and then go to the other side with the same rack and then you know whatever that thing is it tells you that that thing doesn't care about us at all that thing is like a that's the dark arts and that's the thing it lives in us it does not care about us at all hmm you know it'll come it'll hit the ball back and forth forever and you'll just fucking be this guy that plays this game or not you or any of us you know will be this person that plays this game that's not even real and we weren't even you know we could have walked off the court and had a blast hmm that's the fucking that's the that's a great analogy you're a wordsmith did you know that I don't know about that man you got to accept the compliment thanks man yeah because it's the same part of us that doesn't accept compliments to your right right you're right look I'm not as fast Yeah right yeah you're right so guy that's sweet of your wall I appreciate you know you guys are nice timing it's a nice conversation and it's nice that you guys at a time of your life you know like I get scared about like maybe you know getting in a relationship and having a family and that kind of stuff and it's interesting to see that you guys are thinking about some of these things right now when you're about to have a baby and definitely in there yeah by influencing a kid you know you can really change the way that things happen in the world and things that happen in your in our own lives you know and we can you know cut off you know bad things that have gone down our own you know tributaries of genealogy and we can change them I think you know with good parenting and with with you know with thinking about these kind of things I hope so I certainly hope so we'll see see how badly we fuck them up it's more just like it's more like a measure of like how bad we fuck this kid up on a one to ten it's not how good of a parent were we how bad of a parent we really it's crazy we are in that bad parent now it's like almost every parent it's like they were a bad parent huh I think it's a generational thing right I think we're all kind of fucked up parentless people anyway I feel like I'm parentless them anyways when I think about the way my dad was treated by his parents they were like things he slept in a barn on a oh wow no he's not that man oh really I was thinking well because they settled Italy been on the sand tonight joking but that's real yeah those motherfuckers but Annie Annie was like one of ten siblings deepers and I'm sure the parents didn't pay attention you're right it'd be hard to yeah you're right and it's kind of worth work I think generationally becoming better maybe yeah or maybe and also part of our spirit I think is becoming weak or that like like you know we get told we get we're a lot more in this self-help time you know I noticed like my mother you know later in her life has read more self-help books like that kind of thing has become more of a maybe introspection maybe our kids will be more on the way out of that maybe where they're not they're just living their lives and not examining it's almost a blessing to be able to sit here and examine what our lives I'd like you know because otherwise we'd be like you know and fucking fighting and lter yeah hunting leopards yeah yeah you don't have time real salt of the earth shit we need some fucking survival bring you to wash yeah well that's why that's why I'm so anxious would be watch fucking batch watch Gold Rush dude man huh i watch gold those guys are great yeah they're like man I fucking spent all winter in Alaska blowing up mountains when I make 200 bucks yeah it was a good it was a good one man versus why who hunts gold and versus Detroit have you seen that no destroy no it is over there did show though just some guy just kind of survived in Detroit a lot of probably the most dangerous yeah of all yeah a lot of missing Nate lineup a lot of that shit you know a lot of people go missing in a Detroit yeah you know it's almost become like the thing to do like if you seem Larry know they can escape room high-level escape zone actually there's a company I heard they you know they have like yeah you know how they have like really cool paintball obstacle courses paintball war yeah that's a Detroit essentially somebody opened up a Gaza Strip paintball place here that that's fucked up if no yeah I did hear that I know you're fucking I'm trying to think of where that's at I think here that the yeah it's somewhere out in LA it's somewhere out yeah and once sight is Israeli on one side I mean I hear it sir real fucking showdown over there that's the fast man and then there's really set you get there's really site you get like fly by paint buckets yeah just drop paint on the on the Palestinians but it's not it's mostly American Jewish people are out there so it's like a lot of inhalers a lot of people with asthma yeah yeah but it's fine because they have the they have got like just tubs of paint how much time we got we got 30 minutes I'm savoring every minute with this yeah well we go back in that Einstein conversation man doing a future travel ëcoz yeah so I son is like humanity he's a guy he's like a paradigm shift guy like nothing was the same after him right this one guy out of billions and that's the numbers game like Einstein could have easily he almost got wiped out by the not by the Nazis did he really yeah he escaped World War two to America he survived barely he almost got wiped out the millions and millions of people that were wiped out just imagine what could have been lost the potential that one person has to change the world for everybody to get a little got little line II yeah Wow you know and so I and then so I think about that and then how it says such a numbers game right like you've got all of humanity and then like every like a thousand years one dude comes along who's so fucking smart he's not change everything he's like what the fuck have you guys been doing he got cheese and bread you have no sandwiches there was a guy that did that his name was Sam Williams sandwich really on Wikipedia look at oh wow Williams sandwich I'll look that up man yes but yeah Einstein was that guy dude and that's why I thought maybe he could be from the future because if you come from the future this shit is just shit you know you got a little pad it's like Biff from Back to the Future very moment but yeah how could you know that much and to be of the same like like you know there's there's evidence that their time travel is you know why I've heard this there's a paradox and it makes sense if there was time travelers mm-hmm wouldn't they have already come back already you're saying there is evidence that there is time there's not there's not if there was humanity ever had the chance to time travel hmm wouldn't they have already visited like the dude if so from the future worthiness yeah whether they'd be here and be like oh I'm from the future they would always have been here right but always necessarily know right if they tell you their time traveler but there's a youth yeah fake right it would seem like hey I met this time traveler and bring him into your office no way everybody would be hrs you peel em I told me that once and it made a lot of sense to me but now it doesn't feel that good of a point but could you really keep that a secret there's no slipping in and out of time and shit in movies they gotta go back and fix something they always gotta go unnoticed I know but they fuck it up so bad in the movies like just imagine what it would really be like because reality's always stranger than fiction right oh that's a great that's a great point I did so I think they would probably send a woman I think mmm a gay woman woman could keep a secret better than a man a lesbian yeah let's get pretty violent those nude a lot of times if it's a late at night after 1:00 a.m. you know I'm 11 p.m. in under for life great woman yeah probably a little because a lesbian I get if you sent somebody into a time where their sexuality was like kind of still not not rare I mean it's not that rare anymore but if it were you know if they maybe too much under a they might already you want them to be unnoticed I would feel like right lesbians come conspicuous yeah be like good we're in line but then maybe it would be so obvious and on point like oh yeah you would never expect it would be like oh that's a you you know that lesbian woman she's also a time traveler nobody's doing all that you know that's a lot mm-hmm you know nobody thought that much yeah yeah that I'm just unrealistic well you gotta have I mean I can't a man I'm like time travel beans are always partying you know doing fucking Woodward I wish I was gay I wish I wish I was gay and I wish I knew more gay people man yeah oh yeah man my buddies to be gay and uh and we worked at AA we were Busboys yeah oh it was a sales and drove into an embankment yeah so our IP actually and he um but he was like the first gay guy I ever met you know and he was a boxer too and he was Italian and he uh yeah and dude he was like the toughest guy ever noon we were both Busboys hmm and fuck I don't know we're talking we're talking about gay time time travel yeah he would have told me that's a thing another thing gay a lot of gay men I find if you tell me of a secret then they want to know about it you know but because they think it's gonna be that you're gay and then you can be buddies you know but if the gay if the secret is I'm from the future that'd be like fuck you know about this you know kind of mean so I think so in short Einstein is a time traveler I mean how do you know that much have that big of a different of scope one brain of billions of people the odds that but that's not one of the billion that's how you explain it right or brain he's got just like Isaac Newton Isaac Newton this guy was so fucking smart he literally invented calculus calculus did not exist until an apple hit this motherfucker on his bush he asked goofy looking at air Wow and he's like bro what the fuck is gravity like why did that Apple fall nobody ever even thought about that they're just like oh we oh you know here's the ground yeah just walk around on it and he's the first dude was like no like why does shit fall to the earth right you know wow that's fast then he made calculus is the math as to what he created to support it and calculus you know everyone's like Oh fucking calculus is coming up that's the hardest shit to learn but that motherfuckers like no I made it that when I was like 22 I made all that's a recipe yes some hverir in the kitchen dang dude imagine yeah so that's interesting then so his whole thing was okay at that point in time you could watch something and then you could figure out the stuff behind it like why does so why let me make out yeah I think he was like the the father of physics basically he invent am i I'm you know yeah and and and just a disclaimer for all the physicists for all the scientists watching this who are talking about what an ignorant fucking asshole I am yeah I'm an ignorant fucking assholes oh yeah all they've got some things wrong there yeah and if you think I'm ignorant I am yeah so yeah someone's working on an exposed video right now about how Isaac taking Isaac Newton invented calculus is Nazi propaganda um I'm trying to think about Isaac Newton but here's the thing so you know I bet time travel though if I had really had to think about it to have that different one super brain as you're saying like if some guy came in right now and said hey what you guys don't realize is like maybe it's a guy wrote the book that like your feelings are connected to your muscles and there's this simple little exercise or this met this equation that we don't even realize it could take us to a whole new level of how to exist oh damn boy yeah okay Isaac st. Laurent bro he might have been a dang lady now this could he could have been a dang lesbian you know I think bro all right yeah why are all these geniuses have the baldness hair because man you gotta have that shit Einstein bomb ass hair Wow and that's like a lady's co2 in it yeah it is bro it's pretty shit it is a nice coat huh dude he's got the best clothes to rub York on my face what I tell you this guy's a smart motherfucker I think he was in Sigma Epsilon dude are you sure that guy's crazy what was the enterprise everybody is a genius but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree it will live it's whole life believing it's stupid like that in that take that in for a minute I don't people make up quotes by the way this is the thing people would feel like no Albert Einstein said this and then you gotta take it almost like a lot of impact but it's just some kid like fifth grader yeah imagination is more important than knowledge I remember he said that I think and that's true in his case because of the thought experiment that was my favorite thing I remember I saw they have it at Disney World when I was a kid and we ate a little bit of you know acid I don't know there's that awesome it was awesome dude and dude I'll tell you this when you're on acid bruh Japanese people are the most welcoming I'll say that by far oh well I guess they don't they don't make them very many assumptions about what they expect right they don't go into life it they don't have a ton of expectation like Oh white people are just fuckin crazy and I don't understand anything he's saying anyway because we're there's a language barrier but we interact with every group that night and by far the most genteel and accepting were Japanese the Japanese oh I like that you're talking about that you were there in Japan oh no no we're in Orlando far but yeah I think it's time travel man oh when you yeah you gotta meet people then when you're on acid see I've never had a good experience on acid I've tried it like five times and every time I just get stuck in my head and I get super anxious and I cannot allow myself like I forced myself to stay grounded and I never really let myself float up mm-hmm I force like myself to be anchored and so it's a constant pole late to the time to lift but trying to roll roll to the ground so I have problem with drugs in general because I don't like like you said yes I guess it's a control thing yeah maybe when you said that I like I want to live but I'm staying like I'm anchored that's what it may mean if I'm it originally I could relate that same feeling that's how I get sometimes whenever I've done that and man I just I wish I could be like out here like this but I just can't for some reason I just can't like let go of myself enough because I'm just if I do what will happen yeah it's scary and I'm afraid of changing yeah or losing my mind or something or just actually you know what it is is like I'm off yeah I'm afraid of just being in a different state of mind it's so weird yeah even with weed I can't enjoy weed because I have the same exact reaction yeah I hear ya but I wish I like this yeah me too I was going like that I wish I got high and fucking you know ate a couple ice cream scoops off of somebody's fucking back you know oh yeah put a couple fucking scoops on your cousin fucking Lance and I'm right you know and it's fucking is that our weeds get laughs yeah I wish I could be more fun I wish that's it that's all it is to it let me show you a couple of things we're running low on time oh yeah our I got a couple of videos I went through real quick have you running low on time what if Einstein heard that dude I said I be like sorry dude be like the book he picked the biggest contrary ever excuse me dude time is really just an illusion [Music] he actually has places to go dude yeah do you really huh yeah I sense like it's fucking illusion doc yes and sure you do show you a chart that shows you you do yeah did you know that you can bend space and time with a pencil through the piece of paper and travel through space yeah people like fuck you really need to go to that meeting yeah like I got beans of time do you think so people fucking imagine how much people hated him probably some people in the scientific community people thought he was fucking he was very people were very skeptical and that's in his community they were like this guy is a fucking lunatic right and then and then when he was working on his theory of relativity hmm there was some other guy that started work and he went and did a talk about it and he's like guys look at this shit I'm working on it's insane and everyone's like yeah yeah whatever but one guy was like I think he's on to something well I'm gonna try to beat him to it because he wasn't finished with this theory so this motherfucker start now they start racing each other to try to figure out the theory of relativity to like put it all together yeah and but I stink Einstein beat him damn but the movie about it yeah there's a great documentary on Netflix it's so amazing but the other guy was like you know I think he forfeit he's like you know what dude like it's your it's your glory Wow but they were close they were like figured out at the same time dude like science race bro crazy that's an idiot Tony Stewart shit right there boy that's some Jeff Gordon brought mean that's ya when you were being science doing a lot of science and at a high speed what are you any a time traveler yeah imagine running really fast like Carl Lewis but also doing science in your head right what are you your time traveler yeah or an alien yeah a time-traveling alien probably I don't know if they do you think they have that no well if you're nailing you can travel time dude time you're cuttin you know I gotta be in BC in half an hour you know yeah I gotta put down these flights now that's granted in other words yeah because you know what Einstein figured out is that time-travel Israel because of the red and did he really yes time travel is real but you can't go backwards you can only go ahead of time I think you figured out that when you go the speed of light or when you approach the speed of light time travels slower like you saw did you see uh what's that movie called that we loved it's not inception but the time of the spotless mind I do love that one base one that Nolan Rho interstellar interstellar you see that with Jodie Foster no that's Conterra is another great fucking one that one is similar that's the that's what their relativity how she comes back and there's all that static remember that yes that's based on science because she was gone for them immediately dan why do I feel he doesn't know about science the major it drops into the water and to everyone yeah it looks like it was immediate but she fucking went the speed of light and came back and she was gone that actually doesn't make sense I got a watch again contact alright you know what's good um Danny should have cut me off you know what's good is uh I'm trying to think of what maybe I saw that was really good oh I like Finding Neverland and I like um wait with Johnny Depp you like Finding Neverland yeah it's an old movie about I don't know wait now because I've all I've got in my mind is leaving Neverland yeah this is we're finding it different movie and I'm trying to think actually there's a lot of good movies man I shouldn't talk started talking about that what do you find Walt it's interesting that there's a Finding Neverland and others a leaving Neverland dude and they essentially we're also talking about fucking time travel because that's what maybe that's what it is but dude if somebody's here a long time you know I'm here from you know prove it well that's what I'd say okay so what would they do so if they just pull out a fucking you know if I watch I know was theirs out of their eyes yeah and or it would be dope they're not gonna have dick it's still gonna be us though you think well if they come from the future they must have some dope technology there'd be like here good point they like here if you really need to prove it you'd be like tomorrow Trump's gonna tweet out that he is suck he tried once tried second his own dick but it wasn't long enough right and then the next day car okay and you're like wall dude proven done that would be crazy yeah yeah somebody can do something as specific as that tweet prediction yeah done I'm come Paulette I know you gotta leave soon so I'm gonna show you one video I have a bunch here that I wanted to show you okay and what are the videos about here you do this home videos I mean yeah these are my favorite videos of the past like month or so I'm gonna give you a choice we only have time for once you decide okay okay we got the the best man passes out during wedding okay I saw that one okay good that one fucking hurt my feelings dude his face hit the ground so hard bro god it made me want to get married actually it's an ex I think I am assuming he was just drunk because not everyone's curious so let me just you know what fuck junk and media they're gonna claim this whole podcast the next one is our Kelly recruits people do his cult during a live show this is my this is one of the best things ever let's see that then I would like to see that okay I would like we got a herb in this show up in a couple of whites and yeah shots in Ethiopia like to come back weird [Music] [Music] you looked at the camera like did I really say that shit like I think is it tomorrow right there my token let me go back anything the beaut to the mall go back go to the mall yeah I've watched this every time I thought he said go to the mall we play one more time do you money [Music] wait hold the fuck and the mall is the only place you'd meet somebody in a foreign country you don't know other places get mall come to the mom he was like the beautiful I don't hear the be wait hold on now this look at spider-man in the background you see that guy - wait hold on hold on I hear the biggest spider-man oh my god that guy's from the future what'd you guys hear back there you guys here what are you here cuz I heard comes with it go Dan Ian Zak I I heard the mall thing too I don't get the context but it does sound like it's the context that's where he goes to Mean Girls I heard mall - what am i joking minutes I didn't hear beautiful mean I think I would have heard it but I've heard it before I would I just didn't hear it let's go one more time do you mind we in BRE it sounded like wonderful time wonderful I shoulda asked you I regret the only good ears in here probably we're on man he's growing a baby enter there's no way our hearings all accurate fucking here we just throne all I can hear now is come to them why they're beautiful I because the background singers saying America so maybe he's like so beautiful I can see that too America the Beautiful yeah I could see him saying that wow man he did that huh I've watched this face here he's like did I really say that I shouldn't watch shots is that me is there something is there anything more romantic may I ask you I don't ask a woman if she's got her shots not if she's about to travel long distance yeah and if you're gonna take her somewhere I think it's he's thinking of others that's nice but he's thinking sex yeah he's thinking I'm you'll be my dungeon a little for yeah when we get you in America and that's where you go forever so there's another short one I know you're on the time constraint I'm really fast this was really good we're gonna end it right after this I'm up in Orange County this is the same fuckin video okay this is the last one come all watch out for corn on top of demonstration which I got doing it name it's a lurker on the tangler cover uh let me get that hitter on him all the time I think the guy in the shitters is the one that's so sorry the white guy I don't know the guy who's shitting I don't know what this is do one guy's black and one guy's white plate what were the guys shitting it sounds like the black I said sorry no no it's the guy that's beeping it says sorry right one more time it sounds like the fuck I don't like you said come to the mall I have so many more but you gotta go I'll save more please bro this is what this is what we do all day you have you do other shit but we gotta be like right there you write jokes you fucking little entertain real people you like travel I don't do any of that yeah well you got this bro I'll trade you a couple months for that video good assume that guy looks like yeah like Dom he's at an audition might have been he got the job alright this one's gonna trip you out the fuck out black guys get it they'll get they know how they want things done if you're in urinals so this dude one time beat on the wall next to me is like a man let me get a courtesy flush man let me get Curtis if flutter shitting I was doing number two and he was like oh let me get that Curtis it he wasn't even in there that long but he was in his and I was in mine dude another way he was shitting he was also probably shit opium for a long time but I wanted that man that's some same but guys they control the environment mmm you know in it you know what are you doing new fun do you get up no courtesy flushes you've been sitting in there too long you know I'm starting to feel uncomfortable because the smell oh wow that lady's getting into that what is it Lobster okay well Thanksgiving lobster anything could be yeah but you know just because the water splash in your ass you got to stand up you probably had paper on the we eat it was just the scent he didn't want anymore he said you stand up to flush because the shit water will splash on your balls in shit um I probably stayed right there dude I got pretty nervous yeah you don't fuck around you're like well I'd never really talked to a I never talked to a white man or a black man while I was taking a shit yeah no man sorry and I don't really talk about shit around the baby yeah he's gonna be doing plenty of that this is like Janita and the Giant Peach I feel like that Lobster has like Down syndrome you can't eat that man this is unbelievable where's this lady from you might be Jamaican like a thirty-minute but that is it really that Lobster yeah oh wow 30 minutes it's called a podcaster eating with Q No we made a video about her on her she's awesome huh yeah she's a fucking legend there's actually a hole what we actually show you the durant nod watch her she's cute too she looks good she doesn't hair and everything you just leave when you're ready because at this point it's it's 1253 oh yeah I gotta leave yeah I don't want because then I could suck you in here dude this is awesome man thank you got someone you got to come back again soon because I got more videos to show you how much more times that baby that bun got only three months months less than three months now June 6 I'm excited I am I feel very happy about it and I almost I don't even like admitting that to myself that's how fucked up I am I'm like dude you can't feel happy about this right that's kind of one of the cool things about childhood it's like it's okay to feel positive about this yeah exactly great yeah because if you don't because if you don't start to I think you know look at some of that or if we don't start to look at those kind of moments where it's like it's yeah well I'm not feeling how about this even though I know I probably want to yeah and I'm not finding a way to be that way yeah then that's where we don't break the chain of like right you know yeah or not that are just those those weird feeling that song game yeah I think I don't know man this should I go to like 12 step programs that's where I learned you know a lot of that kind of thinking and stuff and for me it's been helpful cuz I never had any thoughts like that at all I was fuckin in love you know and now but there's a whole new mental universe yeah that you got to discover yeah it's it's so true bruh there's really there's like different steps of the mental maturity and you got it like you got to build the scaffold people there's people that like fully and fucking lightened yeah like for real walk so the other fucking nuts but they're they like understand everything alright I'm not I'm gonna let you go okay but Theo van calm if you're not convinced fry this they he's a the funniest fucking dude you're gonna watch then go away oh and you guys tomorrow yeah we got hot ones coming on tomorrow watch that guy's eyes I was like with a fuck Sean why don't why didn't that come out first because that's how I do all my research for my guests I just watch hot ones oh really yeah he's the best researcher at him and pretend I'm like dude always watch hot ones for 20 minutes yeah he went deep dude he has he's yeah he knew a lot of stuff nice guy - he's the best fun he's so good at his job he is and he has a very unique tone when he's talking and asking questions yeah you know he's really good at letting the guests shine he kind of was like and I mean it says a compliment he brief wrapped up the show three times ready he's like Charlie Brown said Oh insult I mean I wouldn't say Charlie Brown I would say Charlie beige you know yeah you know no I love Sean you know Sean knows I love him no of course he does he's just Charlie's like he's let's let's let you know okay we'll see you later so so Yvonne doctor go get some fucking tickets for Christ's sake go listen to his podcast this past weekend or two no offence on Netflix where I say show in person that's it yeah all the stolen Netflix is kind of okay but you know the new experience that the club is a lot of fun people come out it's a lot of good people - I'm sure I think you were testing out material probably at The Comedy Store you told a while story about like your brother trying to fuck you or something oh yeah but that was a wild crazy and I was but yeah well set yeah sex I don't know I say that yeah you don't say fucking I as I said but it was Fannie's a great guy doesn't reason I worked in a free business still got a woody don't work with this would go watch him guys thank you for watching we will be back and next went Wednesday with low blow mo guys that's exciting that'll be fun so we'll see you guys then thank you guys appreciate you god bless see you next week have a great week good then cut it off [Music] [Music]

Info

Channel: H3 Podcast

Views: 1,083,416

Rating: 4.9008489 out of 5

Keywords: Theo Von, Theo, Von, Rat King, h3h3productions, h3 podcast, h3h3 podcast, h3h3, h3, Ethan Klein, Hila Klein, Ethan and Hila, Ethan, Hila, hot ones, first we feast, gang gang

Id: PafIrG4WJHU

Channel Id: undefined

Length: 115min 14sec (6914 seconds)

Published: Wed Mar 20 2019

Reddit Comments

"I just like small amounts."

~Theo Von

👍︎︎ 55 👤︎︎ u/Jhonopolis 📅︎︎ Mar 21 2019 🗫︎ replies

Ethan: No one has changed the world more than Albert Einstein.

Theo: Yeah, or Jesus. Or Dana White.

god fucking dammit this guy is good

👍︎︎ 72 👤︎︎ u/[deleted] 📅︎︎ Mar 20 2019 🗫︎ replies

Super funny.

I was confused about Ethan taking about his dad in the beginning. Is the white beard and haired dude not his dad? Did he die?

I thought he had a good relationship with his dad.

👍︎︎ 46 👤︎︎ u/IndStudy 📅︎︎ Mar 20 2019 🗫︎ replies

They didn't ask about TheoGate, but it was great regardless. (:

👍︎︎ 20 👤︎︎ u/SenseiDezy 📅︎︎ Mar 21 2019 🗫︎ replies

what was this moment about the partial discectomy 1:10:00. Was it a joke? Was it serious? You could see Ethan face "Dead silence...."

👍︎︎ 17 👤︎︎ u/Logiman43 📅︎︎ Mar 21 2019 🗫︎ replies

I love little amounts.

👍︎︎ 18 👤︎︎ u/locklizzle 📅︎︎ Mar 21 2019 🗫︎ replies

Never watched Theo before today. This was the funniest shit.

👍︎︎ 16 👤︎︎ u/sytrix 📅︎︎ Mar 22 2019 🗫︎ replies

chick eating big ass lobster

“That thing look like it got a little Down’s syndrome goin on”

I died

👍︎︎ 15 👤︎︎ u/LamboMoonKid 📅︎︎ Mar 22 2019 🗫︎ replies

Really refreshing episode. Feels like Ethan has finally got his groove back.

👍︎︎ 13 👤︎︎ u/AfterInfinity9 📅︎︎ Mar 21 2019 🗫︎ replies