(audience cheering) - Yes, Provo what's going on? How are we doing? (audience cheering) Appreciate it, man. I'm so excited to be here. (audience laughing) I am excited about it, really. Really, I'm excited because the COVID numbers, they were going back up. I was nervous about that. I thought we were going to have to go back on lockdown. I can't do that, not again. I'm married with two kids. (audience laughing) I don't know if y'all remember. Y'all remember at the beginning of the pandemic how positive we were? It was like, maybe this is God's way of saying that we need to be around the people that we love. (audience laughing) I felt like that for two hours, and I was like, I got to get out of here. I'll take my chance with COVID. (audience laughing) It's so much, man. I had to home school. Anybody had to do that? I was like, man, did y'all see my grades in school? I am not qualified to do this. (audience laughing) I had to home school, and I did not like that, because at the time, my kids were going to a private school, so I had to pay the school to home school, (audience laughing) which was a little confusing to me. Because I've never had a pimp before, so I'm like, yo, I don't really like this. (audience laughing) It was rough, going through COVID man. Shout out to everybody, every couple that made it through COVID. It was rough. I don't care how long you've been together, how much you love that person. At some point during COVID, you hated them. (audience laughing) I knew my wife hated me. I did. I knew. You know when I knew? I knew when she told me I breathed too much. I didn't even know that was a thing. (audience laughing) It's like, how do you breathe too much? (audience laughing) We were just watching a movie. She was just sitting there looking at me ugly like. (audience laughing) I was like, what? She was like, "why do you breathe so much?" (audience laughing) I was like, I'm trying not to die. What do you do? (audience laughing) I've been watching TV like crazy, man. So much on TV. Saw this one thing. On the news, I think it was. This guy needed a kidney transplant, and he couldn't find a match. He was on a donor's list. Nobody on the donor's list was a match. His family wasn't a match, none of his friends. Finally, at the 11th hour, he found out his wife was a perfect match. She gave him a kidney, and he's doing great. Me and my wife, we saw it and were like, wow, that's crazy, right? Then my wife said, "I hope nothing "like that ever happens to you." (audience laughing) I know what you're thinking. She was cool. (audience laughing) She was like, "I hope nothing "like that ever happens to you," she said. "But if it does, I pray that I can be "the one to give you a kidney." I know, right? I was like, that's so sweet, but I would rather die. (audience laughing) You out of your mind? You think I want my wife giving me a kidney? Fellas, that is our worst nightmare, to have your wife hang that over your head. (audience laughing) You think you've got to hear her mouth now? Let her give you a kidney. She will be waiting for stuff to happen. As soon as she walks in the house, "I know he did not do the dishes. "I asked him to do it. "You don't appreciate anything I do. "You don't appreciate me. "I gave you a kidney. "You don't appreciate that. "You know what? "Go ahead, give my kidney back." Man, I can't take this kidney out. (audience laughing) Dudes, we try to be tough. Girl, take this kidney back. I don't even need it. I don't even need it. No, I don't need no kidney. No, get out of here. I'm straight without a kidney. No, I'm not going to die. I'm straight. I don't need it. Get out, just get out. I'm cool. I don't need no kidney. No, I'm not dying. I'm fine. I'm just a little sleepy. I'm going to just chill right here for a second. No, I'm cool. No, get out. I'll get my own kidney. As a matter of fact, I don't need a kidney. No, I'm sleepy. I'm just going to chill right here for a second. I'm cool. Hey, can you call the paramedics, please? (audience laughing) I'm not going to lie, I feel like I get on the floor, that I deserved a little more reaction. (audience cheering) It's OK. It's OK. It's too late. (audience laughing) It feels forced. (audience laughing) It was rough, man. We were watching so much on TV. One of my favorite shows we started binge watching is Game of Thrones. Now, my wife had never seen Game of Thrones, so I'm like, this is perfect. We can watch this together. So we're watching it, and she says something that made me question our relationship. If you haven't seen it, there's an episode where this woman has three dragon eggs, three dragon eggs, and she walks into fire. Next morning, the fire is out, she's not burned. The three dragon eggs have hatched. Three dragons are walking around. My wife, who also is the mother of my children, looked at me with a straight face and was like, "man, that's fake." (audience laughing) I said, really? What tipped you off? (audience laughing) She was serious too. She was like, "how is she going "to walk in the fire "and not get burned?" I'll say, hold on. That's the part that messed you up? You didn't see these dragons walking around? So you need to pay attention. We have kids. I don't know. (audience laughing) This is awesome though, man. I am so glad to see everybody coming out. This is what we need right now, to come together, have a good time. If you watched TV, the news cut it off. Don't believe what they're saying. They're trying to make us feel so divided. We're not that divided. We're sitting here right now having a good time, laughing. If we can laugh together, we can live together. (audience cheering) Because media is like that. The media is like that. They're trying to have you believe in stuff you shouldn't believe. They're trying to have you believing you should be scared of somebody like me if you see me walking towards you at night. (audience laughing) Seriously, 6' 5 Black man, you should be scared because I might rob you. Truth is I'm scared of spiders. So I can't be a crook with arachnophobia. I don't know. (audience laughing) If I got a gun and you got a Daddy Long Legs, you win. (audience laughing) I am scared of spiders. I'm scared of spiders and scared of heights. That freaks people out. I know. I get it. I see how y'all are looking at me, because I'm tall. (audience laughing) I don't know what that is. People think when you're tall, you shouldn't be scared of anything. I'm scared of heights. People come to me, oh man, you're scared of heights? How can you be scared of heights? You're so tall. Well, because gravity doesn't care. I don't know. Yeah, that's ridiculous. Yeah, if I'm hanging from a building, somebody can be like, oh no, that guy's about to fall. Get help. Wait, wait, wait, hold on. Oh, he's 6' 5. He's OK. He'll be all right. It doesn't work like that. (audience laughing) But I get it. I get it. You have expectations for tall people, because if you watch TV and you see somebody 6' 5, they're usually dunking on people. (audience laughing) But if you're 6' 5 and you're not in the NBA, it does not matter what you do for a living. People just look at you like you didn't make it. (audience laughing) You're a brain surgeon? That's cool. So did basketball not work out? Is that how you fell into that occupation? (audience laughing) People have expectations, man. One expectation I find out, people think tall people are strong. I don't know where y'all got that from. (audience laughing) I'm in Costco one day, I'm on an aisle, right? This lady walks up to me. She was like, "hey, excuse me can you "hand me that box off the top shelf?" So I'm looking. I'm like, are you talking about this air conditioner? I'm just tall. I'm not a forklift. (audience laughing) The good thing is I heard women like tall men. Is that true, ladies? You know what I'm talking about? (audience cheering) That's cool. I'm going to tell you something, fellas. I'm just trying to help. Don't ever mess with a woman that's taller than you. (audience laughing) It's not going to work. It'll work for a little while, the beginning when y'all are out having a good time. But as soon as you make her mad, the truth is going to come out, and she's going to let you know how she feels. And you know what? She should because it doesn't look right. (audience laughing) How are you going to be with a woman who's taller than you? What are you going to do if y'all get into an argument and she gets in your face? (audience laughing) Girl, if you hit me in my head one more time, I-- (audience laughing) It just don't look right. Listen, if there's any short dudes in here, I'm not-- listen. (audience laughing) Don't come up to me after the show. "Hey, what was that?" No, listen, the rules, they apply to me too. I can't mess with a woman talking to me. (audience laughing) I'm 6' 5. If she's taller than me, I got questions. (audience laughing) Can you hand me that box off the top shelf? (audience laughing) Everybody got expectations, man. My kids, they got expectations. Like I said, I got two kids. I got an 11-year-old son and an eight-year-old daughter. (audience applauding) You don't know her. (audience laughing) No, they're great, man. My son, 11, though, he's almost a teenager, so I'm dealing with that and trying to raise a man. So I'm trying to be a good example to my son, like my daddy. My dad was an old school father. Old school cats ain't scared of nothing. I could come in the house crying about anything. My daddy would not care. I remember one day, I was outside cutting grass, and there were some guys across the street arguing. And in the middle of the argument, one guy pulled a gun out and started shooting at the other guy. So I'm a kid. I got scared. I ran the house crying, like I would do today. So I ran to my daddy. Daddy, there's a man outside shooting at people. My daddy walked outside. "Oh boy, they ain't shooting at you. "Go ahead finish cutting the grass." (audience laughing) I don't know, dad. I should probably take a break or something. Seems like a good time for that. (audience laughing) My daughter, though, man? That's my little princess, man. Eight years old, it went by so fast. I still remember when my wife told me she was pregnant with her. I was so nervous with my wife because she said that she wanted to have this baby naturally. And I don't know if y'all know anything about natural birth, but natural birth means she didn't want any medicine, no epidural. I was like, oh, that's probably going to hurt. (audience laughing) And I know y'all ladies looking at me like, Mike, you're a dude. How would you know the pain of childbirth? And that's fair but let me just say this. I have eaten too much cheese and used the bathroom, (audience laughing) and that had me crying. My wife ran to the bathroom. She was like, "what's wrong with you?" I said, I think I'm crowning. You need to get some water and a towel. (audience laughing) Something's happening. My daughter, man. Both my kids are so smart, man, real smart. They're in school and that makes me nervous, I'm going to be honest with them, being in school, because I hate school. Because I got picked on a lot when I was in school, and I don't want my kids to have to deal with that. I got picked on because I was an awkward looking kid coming up. I'll be honest. I went through that awkward phase. I was real skinny. I used to have these real thick glasses, so I used to hear I was ugly all the time. Worst thing I ever heard was in seventh grade. This is true. Seventh grade, I heard, if you weren't so skinny, and if you didn't have those glasses on and if you weren't so ugly, you could be my boyfriend. (audience laughing) I like how y'all laughed at my own-- OK. (audience laughing) That bothered me, man. That bothered me. That still bothers me to this day. I'm going to tell you why that still bothers me. It's because the dude that said it to me (audience laughing) was a teacher and I really don't feel like that's appropriate. (audience laughing) You're supposed to be building me up, not tearing me down, Mr. Booker. (audience laughing) I'm getting older. I can feel it, man. Not physically, but I can feel it in my patience. I don't have the same patience I used to have when I was young. My thing is I can't deal with stupidity. I hate that. I had a friend that said something so stupid one time, I told her we couldn't even be cool anymore. I told you I'm scared of spiders. That's true. I really am, and lightning. Sometimes when it gets hot outside, like in the summer, I'll get spiders in my car. I never know how they get in there. It always freaks me out. One day, I'm riding around in my car. I pulled up on my friend, and I saw some spider webs in the car. I jumped out freaking out. I'm like, man, I do not know how these spiders keep getting in my car. Now, he looked at me with a straight face. He's going to help me out. He's like, "you got spiders "in your car? "OK, hey, are you locking your doors?" (audience laughing) This was so stupid it made me stupid. I answered him. I'm like, you know what? I don't think I did, dude. That was good. Have you ever had that happen to you, somebody say something so stupid, they make you think you're stupid? I'm in a Wendy's drive-thru one day. I'm in a drive-thru at Wendy's, in the drive-thru trying to order my food. The lady came over the speaker. She said, "welcome to Wendy's. "Is this going to be for here "or to go?" (audience laughing) I just drove off. I'm like, they must be doing something new over here. (audience laughing) Don't like stupidity, man. (audience laughing) Like racism, I think racism is the dumbest thing ever. It doesn't make sense. You don't like somebody because of the color of their skin? That's stupid. I always tell people, sit down and talk to somebody you don't know. Learn about them, get to know them. Our country would be better if we all treated each other like that. You know what I mean? (audience cheering) Yeah, just try that. Just try that. I can guarantee you, if you sit down and get to know somebody, you'll find a thousand other reasons to hate this person other than the color of his skin. Just earn the hate, is all I'm saying. Put the work in. Earn the hate. (audience laughing) I don't have that issue, man. I hang with everybody. I like when I hang out with my white friends, especially if I'm the only Black person around, kinda like now. (audience laughing) No, I like it, especially like if we're in a car and I'm the only Black person in the car. I like to be in there because I like to mess with them. So if we're in the car, I'm the only Black person in the car, sometimes I'll breathe on the window and write "help." (audience laughing) They get mad, but it's funny to me. (audience laughing) I'm just saying I don't get racism. There are just so many other good reasons to hate people. (audience laughing) Let me tell you who I don't like. I don't like people that text and drive. You've seen people doing this, texting and driving? Listen, if you are doing it, please stop because you can kill somebody. I was on the interstate one day, and I had my kids in the back seat. I see this car swerving all over the interstate. Closer I get to the car, I see it's a dude, and he's texting on his phone. And he's doing that thing where he's so into, he's texting with both hands and trying to drive with his knee. I lost it, because that's dangerous. I got my kids in the backseat. Now, he's swerving all over the interstate. One time, he swerved so hard, he almost hit us, so I had to swerve to keep him from hitting us. That made me spill my tequila. I'm like, yo, this is so-- (audience laughing) I had to call the police. Yo, that was top shelf. You should come get him, very irresponsible. (audience laughing) I'll tell you what I really don't like. I don't like people that don't snore. (audience laughing) People that don't snore, y'all are the biggest jerks, always judging our snores. Do y'all think we do that on purpose? Do you think that's what we decided to do? You think we just sit in the bed like, what can I do to make her kick me in my back every 15 minutes? (audience laughing) I get it. I'll struggle to breathe all night to teach her a lesson. She'll learn if I fight for my life all night, she'll get her act together. (audience laughing) It's rough, man. I got a deadly condition called sleep apnea. Don't know if y'all heard of that, sleep apnea. That's actually where you stop breathing in your sleep. That's the only deadly condition that I have ever heard of where people want to kill you because of the symptoms. (audience laughing) I want to say this, though, in my wife's defense, she does try to show the right amount of sympathy, because if she sees me sleep, she'll get scared and wake me up. "Mike wake up. "You stopped breathing in your sleep. "Go sleep in the other room because "I can't." (audience laughing) It's rough, man. Man, where the married people at? Are there married people in the house? (audience cheering) All right, all right, you ain't that happy. (audience laughing) Me and my wife, we just had our 13-year anniversary. Yeah, just let me tell you about it first. (audience laughing) No, my wife is cool, man. She's the best person I know. She just sometimes says mean stuff to me. I'll give you an example. I'm going to be honest, since we've been together, I stopped working out. Now, listen, if you want me to work out, I'm cool with that. But be slick about it. Say something like, "hey, baby, "let's go to the gym." Listen, that's what I want. This is how she told me. I'm taking a shower one day, and my wife walks in the bathroom, and looks at me, and she said, "hey you know, "men can get breast cancer too." And she just walked out. I was like, oh. (audience laughing) Thought these were jiggly muscles. (audience laughing) It's rough, man. Got to know who you're going to marry though. I tell people that all the time. You need to know who you're going to marry. I think there should be a law, you need to live with somebody at least six months before you get married, at least six months. That way, you can know if you can deal with all the nasty stuff that people do. Nobody's perfect. We all have flaws. I've got my own flaw. I'm going to be honest with you, it's not that big of a deal. My wife is lucky. (audience laughing) I fart in my sleep. (audience laughing) It's not even a big deal. I didn't even know I was farting in my sleep because I'm asleep. How do I know? But once again, my wife is waking me up like, "oh my goodness, "you're farting in your sleep." I'm like, whatever. And then I farted myself awake. Anybody ever do that, you fart yourself awake? (audience laughing) One night, I farted so loud I woke up and thought somebody was outside cutting grass. I was like, what time is it? I have to tell the Homeowner's Association about this. (audience laughing) You've got to know who you're going to marry, man. I got married to a police officer. I married a cop. Yeah, she's not a cop anymore. (audience laughing) I used to hate telling dudes my wife was a cop, because they would always ask the same stupid question. "Oh, Mike, your wife's a cop? "Hey, let me ask you a question, man. "She ever used those handcuffs "on you?" (audience laughing) I never understood that. But you know what? I'm a team player. Me and my wife, we've been together a while. Let's spice it up. Let's do a little roleplay. So one night, I told her, hey, go put your cop uniform on, and I'm going to act like I'm breaking into the house. (audience laughing) It was great, man. She put them cuffs on me. I was like, ooh, I like this. A little aggressive. I like that. She dragged me back in the room. I'm like, OK. And next thing, I know, she threw me down on the bed and beat the mess out of me. I was like, oh, that's not sexy at all. I don't know why she thought it was. (audience laughing) Hard being married to a cop, man. And a big thing is when you're married to a cop, especially if you're a dude and your wife's a cop, you have to swallow your pride. I didn't know that. I'm 6' 5, 240. Normally, if somebody says help and I'm around, I assume they're talking to me. I remember one day, we were home, and our neighbor came beating on our door screaming and crying, but she was looking for my wife because she said her husband was going crazy. I'm 6' 5, 240. I'm like, you don't need my wife. Where is he at? She said, "there he is, right there "with the gun." I say, wait, the gun? (audience laughing) Baby, there's somebody at the door for you. I don't know. And he looks serious. I don't know what you want to do about this. I'm going to go check on this chicken for you, though. (audience laughing) Hard being married to a cop, dude. The cops got a rough job too. They got a rough job and a bad reputation of being racist. And let me say this, I get it. I understand the anger. I'm mad too. Black people getting killed. Nobody's being held accountable. We've got to fix this. But we still need to be honest, there are more good cops than bad cops. We just got to get rid of the bad ones. They make it harder on the good ones, because yeah, that's all. (audience cheering) Because I've seen the bad ones. I was pulled over by a racist cop before. I knew he was racist because of the reason he said he pulled me over. Now, he told me he pulled me over because my tint was too dark, (audience laughing) which I thought was ridiculous because I was on a bike. I'm like, dude, you ain't even really trying right now, just making up stuff. (audience laughing) Glad it's starting to get a little warm outside. I like that. I'm from Nashville. So we had a rough winter. I think we got maybe two inches of snow. (audience laughing) That's a lot for us. And it gets bad. You start seeing cars sliding everywhere. You're nervous if you're driving out there, and people don't know how to drive in it. I feel guilty, though, now. I'm thinking about it, because I remember I was driving, and you see somebody broke down on the side of the road, and the closer you get to them, you realize you recognize who they are but you still don't feel like stopping to get them? I did that. I did that, and I feel guilty about it. I do, because I wanted to give my mom a ride, but I was like, I got something going. Hey, guys, thank y'all so much. I'm Mike James. Thank you God bless. (audience cheering)
