How to Get Guys to Stop Sending You D**k Pics - Josh Johnson - Stand-Up Featuring

I finally started taking more stands in my life I am I don't go to the zoo anymore I mean I can't do it you know it's like you're not even seeing the animal like that's not the animal it doesn't want to fight it doesn't wanna hunt it just is the most domesticated version of the animal they just throw food at it all day that's not a lion have you ever seen a zoo lion roar it came in roar it's like rawr I guess like it has no confidence it's never had a struggle in its life you know if a zoo lion and me saw a lion from the wild we would run together ok not the same speed but the same direction that Zul I would be like he's from the streets that's why I don't care you know so I don't care when people die at the zoo really that's the line that killed you the Orca love lions is the lion that mirtha Sheldon of lions is the lion that killed it didn't even mean to kill you animals never mean to kill the person they just slapped you over like the meats not coming out of this one I have no idea what's he's big difficult's plus honestly most of us have been to the zoo and we're here now which means we made it like we're clearly not losing any scholars at the zoo no one who has died at the zoo has ever started sense with therefore like we're not losing the best I'm actually I'm not I can't judge anybody though because I am truly embarrassed about how much I'm still finding out about the world you know like at a certain point you'd like to feel like an adult and I know things I have a base of knowledge and I move from there but that's not the case I'm learning things every day I this next thing look I didn't know okay I did not know please don't get mad at me I had no idea I had no idea that there were people in this world the volume and frequency of men in this world taking a picture of their penis and just sending it to women I had no idea how it's happening every hour of every day all over the world they didn't ask for the picture they don't want the picture and they can't unsee the picture you know but I found this out cuz it hit close to home because you ladies do a thing as well you'll go out maybe it's by yourself or maybe with your friends you'll go out and you'll meet a guy and you don't really like them you know I mean like maybe there's no connections no chemistry you guys just aren't clicking I don't know what it is but you don't really like them so at the end of the night he asks you for your number and you give him your number but you give him one number off you give him one number wrong okay maybe it's the first number maybe the last number is just not your number I know that because I've been that number [Laughter] for a period of six months there was some random woman out in the world giving strange men my number and for a period of six months I was receiving penises in my phone it was terrible I'd wake up in the morning thank the Lord for a new day and then I do we all do I'd roll over I checked my phone see what's going on in the world see who's thinking about me and there would be penises in my face one of the most distressing things about this is that it wasn't even like a what's up his mark from last night penis it was just straight to the penis like not even seeing it who I am you know not even seeing how my day is going I lived in fear of my own phone my phone would buzz and I would pray there were two penises in my pants [Laughter] it was so many that honestly had to figure out what the plural for penises was and I decided on penis sis's but I I think I've got to stop I think I got to stop and this is actually a tip for you ladies if you want to use it if you want men to stop sending you unsolicited pictures of their penis all you need to do is what I did which is send a picture of a penis back they will not know what to do they'll be terrified no one is less prepared to receive a picture of a penis than a man that just sent a picture of a penis to what he thought was a woman's they'll be terrified it's actually one where if you look at the texture it's just a picture of a penis a picture of my penis and then him going Stephon [Applause] well it's hurricane season again this happens every year every year hurricane season hits five major states in the US the hardest and every year there are people who refuse to evacuate and then they die for no reason now these are also five states with the highest frequencies and most outlandish cases of discrimination so I think I figured out how to save these people if you want to get these people to evacuate you need to stop naming hurricanes boring white people names and name them something that these people will actually be terrified of you know no one's scared of hurricane Bobby I know Bobby's Bobby's are delightful okay the Bobby I know he bring brisket to brunch she is amazing he would never do those things that the news said he was going to do in my neighborhood you want to scare these people you need to get on the news like tropical storm black son-in-law is coming is a tropical storm now but it could graduate to a category 5 mixed grandbabies yeah I mean like you want to get people truly you want to get people to get out of Georgia you can't be like hurricane Sebastian discus Abass tchen doesn't even sound like he would hurt anybody so that's not like the worst thing that he'd do is roast you about the wallpaper you know I mean you know ty like he's gonna rip the roof off you're gonna have to be like hurricane woman president is coming whether you like it or not she's headed here hurricane Irma I'm pretty sure hurricane umber was one of the least evacuated hurricanes of all time they didn't even respect her you know because honestly Armas sounds like she one fall away from not being a hurricane anymore you want get these people out of Texas you need be like hurricane Mexican immigrant millionaire I need make a confession to you guys I can't see very well I have bad eyes my eyes are very dumb I might as well have two feet where my eyes are that's how useful my eyes are actually once the optometrist and he sat me down and he put the thing in front of my face I don't know his call buzz the thing from Justin Timberlake album where he like pillow fight and then and then he was like better worse better where I was like oh it's all bad yeah and he was like better worse I can't you just tell me is like I can't tell you I don't have your eyes just try better worse I was like none of it's good and then he put his hands on his knees and exhaled walked out and then his nurse walked in and said he reschedule and he never did so my optometrist ghosted me so my eyes are still very bad I tell that story because I was getting a smoothie I was getting a smoothie at a Julius Caesar it's a smoothie place actually you know what it's not juice is orange Julius but I couldn't see the sign well until very recently someone told me it wasn't Julius Caesar either way I was there right I was there and I they put the the name of the smoothie and big layers and they put all the ingredients in little letters so then I was leaning forward on the counter as far as I could my stomach was on the counter I was leaning just to see what was in one of the smoothies that I might like right so then the the cashier she's turned around she's bent over she's doing something with supplies so I'm leaning over the counter as much as I can but then she stands up she turns around and we're nose to nose and then she Limbo Tommy she leaned back as far as she could I want to explain to her ma'am I wasn't trying to kiss you alright I have very bad eyes I actually would see optometrist he put the thing from my face out always called visiting for the Justin Timberlake album by and why explain all that so I was just like I don't love you and walked away this is very embarrassing to admit but when I was a kid all the way up until like young adulthood I thought that I could see the future and then I realized I just had common sense yeah we like I'll give you my best example I had a friend from Chicago called me and he told me he got his girlfriend pregnant by accident and I was like oh dude I knew you were gonna do that three years ago he was like how how does that possible I've only known her for a year I was like oh bro I knew you were gonna do that one saw you walking around with no case on your phone like I knew you weren't thinking ahead you weren't taking precautions you were living reckless you know you have a case on your phone of course you're not wrapping it up come on just walk around loose phone all day I wasn't been thinking a lot about the concept of Karma because we miss used the term Karma you know like I was in Chicago and I was I was in the south side like the hundreds and I got robbed and I saw the guy that robbed me get robbed one block down that's amazing but that's not karma I know a kid in school I know a kid in school that his favorite pastime was just making fun of fat people that's all he did all the time non-stop it was like he did it even in front of people it was to a point where I couldn't hang out with him anymore you know and obviously this thing is coming from like an insecurity that he had so then he got a little bit older he started working out and everything to the point we got yoked like prison ripped yeah I mean like just terrifying right and he got so ripped top to bottom but in the middle section he had three abs how like they're supposed to cover the pack of six you're three light that's hilarious but that's not karma karma is about what you did in the past life and you know how you handle it in the next life and burning off your karma has a lot do with reincarnation and coming back having many lives and many forms you know because I had a situation with this guy this guy I was having my friends ain't bumped into me really hard and it was just the point where I said someone's like hey calm down there's no fire anything you know and then he got in my face and he wanted to fight me and was wild I was just like this is I wanna find anybody it's just you bumped into me you didn't say anything you know and he's knows who knows with me and he's like why don't you just why don't you just go eat some chicken or something which like that's a weird would be like as well as awkward as it is racist yeah I mean like it was to the point where I felt bad for I was like do you want try one more time like like it actually makes me confident that he's not a racist the races would know what to do in this situation you know but I've been thinking if karma is real and reincarnation is real and you are a racist then I hope that you die I hope that you die and you're reincarnated as a chicken I feel like it's the only way to fix this racism cuz yes you'll be racist you'll die you'll come back as a chicken I will fry you I will fry you personally okay you'll be delicious I'll tear meat from bone it's not just chicken honestly it's like all the poultry can get it every Lambert you know all of them roosters are the most races we never talk about it but they are you know ruses wake up races every day they wake up they see the Sun before us and they're like Nick that's every day and we act like we don't hear it but it's right there every time I hear the Mittman pick up you Confederate bastard you're going to get your bang

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 5,759,725

Rating: 4.9266481 out of 5

Keywords: Josh Johnson, Comedy Central Stand-Up Featuring, Josh Johnson comedian, Josh Johnson stand up, dick pic, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, how to get guys, comedy, comedians, comedian, zoo, zoos, lion, domesticated, struggle, death, unsolicited, dating, penis, hurricanes, evacuate, racism, eyes, vision, Orange Julius, friend, phone, karma, reincarnation, racist, funny, funny video, comedy videos, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, best comedy, best stand up, josh johnson the daily show

Id: nL81hvRg8as

Length: 14min 48sec (888 seconds)

Published: Thu Oct 17 2019