Can’t Lift Weights Without Screaming? Josh Johnson Can Relate

is it just me or is the mark of a good party always something bad happening you know no one's ever like oh my gosh that was a great party last night we all tried just enough got home safe and woke up a time for breakfast it's never the description ever it's always like great party bill died great party that's a fantastic party somebody had called bill mama he did I'll talk to bill like that but great party the first time I ever went to a fraternity party and a girl twerked on me I fell down because I wasn't ready she was backing up on time to bend my knees or catch a wall a great party though I don't know if you can tell by looking at me or just my general demeanor but I am not an alpha male I'm not an alpha I'm not even a beta I'm three before Omega like I've been called a little punk to my face before I've been like well that's your opinion let's I know I'm lucky to be a millennial because if I've been born even ten years earlier I wouldn't live this long I know that because I was back at home in Louisiana for ten minutes before I let a possum climb me all right it was just coming right at man but this time I realized wasn't like a little squirrel that wanted to play or something it was hanging off my belt okay I don't know if we looked a possum in the face and person before but its face is an actual demon it's the most horrifying thing you can look right into so now I'm trying to hump it off as hard as I can just bend my knees and dig deeper because I want to touch it right nose you touch a piles get bit by possum you become a possum that's just science so now I'm trying to hump it off as hard as I can but he climbs onto my shoulder and chirps in my ear and not the cute Pocahontas like he's like Oh immediately I was like okay I guess how I died didn't know I died so young I thought I'd live longer accomplish more and then my friends slap off my shoulder and saved my life have you ever had your life saved when the stakes are incredibly low I got to go on date in college which was big for me I don't you go on you know I mean I don't get to go on a lot of dates as I don't know I talk to people but the date was good went to dinner and then went to a movie and then we went back to my place okay and guys guys I'm gonna go there with you okay I'm uh I'm gonna get a little nasty all right we were kissing okay we were kissing all right but then in the middle of kissing she told me that she want me to choke her now I don't know about you guys but I have arthritis in my hands so I couldn't talk up how I was about to choke her I'm about to talk to you about to find out about me you know so I was trying to talk up how bad I was gonna choke her make her feel like she was still into it you know so I was a baby mature Q alright cuz that's what you want cuz that's what you need but it will feel like a turtleneck there's nothing I can do about that no baby you gotta get choked yes we chose it's choking time okay I'm even shake your head and screaming your face watch hope you but you will feel safe the entire time you will feel totally safe there's nothing I can do about that when trying to work out so I can have a man's body I am a extra-medium I have always wanted to be big and it did not work out for me I just want to have those broad so yeah I mean like that are like you know like so I've been working out but joining a gym is too easy you know I just gave them money and they let me start working out but I don't know what I'm doing so now I don't know I'm doing next to heavy stuff nothing changed I gave you $25 you know like I was trying to do some deadlifts just pick it up put it back down cuz build up the leg so you don't wanna have a ripped over body and tiny legs and my legs if I were short you would be distracted okay you'd be like oh he might be five I can't hear him pass the sound of his knees shaking so I was trying to do some deadlifts just pick it up put it back down you know and so I'm standing in front of the bar but no one even told me that the weight had to be even on each side like I don't I don't know what I'm doing but I'm bent in got the legs open and the over the trying to put my back curl or whatever you're supposed to do and I'm gripping the weight I'm trying to psych myself up like I can really lift this way and right then the most beautiful woman walked up next to me I'm like now I gotta pick it up I can't just be like hey that's not mine and then walk away like I got it I got at least try to pick it up so I'm gonna try to pick up so like I the Tigers playing in my head and like Rocky's behind me with a stroke face so you could do it like I feel like I feel like I might really be able to pick this up and so I go to lift it up and the most unrecognizable sound leaves my body because I go to pick it up and meet me I'm like I've never I'm never in my life made that sound before but I'd go to pick it up a mic that's not mine I did anyway I just walked away and then I try to redeem myself later by working out next to her like I make that sound all the time I was just doing curls next to her later like didn't work she just left you

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 3,037,005

Rating: 4.9436965 out of 5

Keywords: Josh Johnson, Comedy Central Stand-Up Presents, Josh Johnson comedian, Josh Johnson stand up, stand up comedy, gym fails, gym, embarrassing, lifting fails, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedians, party, frat, fraternity, twerking, alpha male, millennial, dating, choking, kink, exercise, muscles, lifting, working out, funny, funny video, comedy videos, jokes, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, humor, best comedy, best stand up

Id: IDqD4BYtFU8

Length: 7min 36sec (456 seconds)

Published: Tue Nov 06 2018

Reddit Comments

[u/jewmuppet]

I love this dudes charisma. so happy that standup is finally coming into the mainstream.

[u/AreYouGoingToEatThat]

I really love this new generation of comics.

[u/jw255]

"not available in your country" 🇨🇦

[u/Drusiph]

I don't see how its possible that none of the comments on YouTube have compared this guy's style to Ron Funches.

[u/bobmothafugginjones]

The not an alpha guy bit was gold