Living Alone, Getting Dumped & Being Too Positive for a Gang - (Some of) The Best of Josh Johnson

i'll tell you something i'll tell a lot of people i don't i even feel black some days i feel like an alien that snatched a black by and didn't do any research at all didn't do anything didn't read a book didn't watch a movie don't know what boys in the hood is but loves trains [Music] i feel like the person that you are and you know a split second decision that's who you really are you know when you don't get to weigh the options or worry about what people might think you know that snap decision that's you and here i'll give you an example i was walking down the street in new york this dude was walking down the opposite side of the street from me just texting and walking in his own little world just like texting and walking and then he walked out into the street but he didn't have the light and cars are coming right at him he has no idea because he's still just texting and walking just in his own little world just texting and walking and then without thinking i saw a car that was like coming right at him and and i just ran for him as fast and as hard as i could and tackled him out of the way of a car and ended up saving his life and and not eight hours later i grabbed an old lady by the face so i didn't fall down the same person did both those things in the same day all right not a full eight hours later okay not a full shift to denny's later i'm walking and i slip on a grape because i'm a child and as i'm falling i reach for anything to keep my balance okay i'm not looking but i know it's a face all right i knew it was a face immediately my finger went in her mouth okay i fish hooked an old lady so i didn't fall down and why should i i'm a hero most recent time i got broken up with in a text message i had terrible food poisoning all right so i was at home on the toilet dealing with my food poisoning okay so i'm sitting there on the toilet and my ankle bust my ankle buzzer cuz that's where my phone is when it's in my pocket and my pants are down all right so my ankle was shaking so i had to answer my ankle i don't want you to be confused going forward okay and so i went in my ankle i answered it flipped over my phone because that little arch degree turned out real well so i flipped over my phone read the text message and said i don't love you i don't think i ever loved you i don't think i could ever love you it's over now i feel like i've lost everything because not only do i have terrible diarrhea but a complete stranger just broke up me there's a wrong number i don't know who this is but then i text her back like bae we can make this work all right i want to ask you guys a question you ever go see a horror movie that's like about a creepy kid like the kid is haunted like little little kid is possessed little kid like like that kid like is it just me or is that kid never black but here's the thing i think i know why because a black mama would beat that out immediately like if that were me and my house being like red rub red rub red rub my might be like where was that bastard in choir practice you want to get up in front of people and act shame into a scene like that there like i don't even think a black mom would be scared like she come home everything's floating all poltergeist style and she's like okay okay so you can make everything float but you can't clean that room you can't clean that room no i'm gonna be in there in five minutes to see who haunted okay i don't know if you can tell by looking at me but uh i was fired from being in a gang they kicked me out because i was too positive they were like why you always smiling dog i'm like i mean none of us are dead or in jail and we're a gang they also kicked me out because i apologize too much our drive-by sounded like sorry like that's after a while i saw their point you know and even when it came down to it and they were kicking me out and i was like i want i i just want to hang out my friends and you guys are my friends and now i don't know what i'm going to do uh what why do i have to leave and they were like bro you giggle like you just use it like a bad influence dog yeah i mean like you over here bringing in puppies and lemonade and like so i'm out i didn't know that i looked busted today until a homeless man didn't bother asking me for change and he asked everyone all right he was like hey breath hey brother hey brother hey brother a breath oh oh it hurt my soul i took an uber to get here and i've come to a decision we should not be able to see the car in the app on the way to pick us up it's a bad idea you are only watching mistakes you were just watching like oh yes six rights and you'll be here that's perfect that is wonderful that's just what i wanted you know no take another right that makes sense no no you should pass me you're right you know sometimes the car will disappear and then reappear in a place that is still not here yeah maybe you're like wow teleportation i had no idea we'd reach this level of technology that's amazing sometimes the car will just start spinning and it'll spin further away from you and you're like is he drunk should i get in the car you know it's terrible and it's disrespectful to the driver you know cause it's only their job to drive you not to look cool on the way to pick you up it's not their job to drift down the street and land in front of you perfectly pop the car door open like ryan gosling it's just their job to drive you they're not at work yet and you're watching them imagine if you had that imagine if your boss had you on a screen before you got to work [Music] it's like okay this man know he late that he going to starbucks all right [Music] okay we gotta have to have a discussion i'm gonna tell you guys something cause we're family okay tell you something i'll tell a lot of people i don't i even feel black some days i feel like an alien that snatched a black by and didn't do any research at all didn't do anything didn't read a book didn't watch a movie don't know what boys in the hood is but loves trains like i don't i don't know if i haven't had enough dates for a grown man or too many dates for someone who's autistic because i'm definitely on the spectrum i talk about sharks too much on the front end of the conversation i do know what one of my problems is i lived alone too long you know i think everybody should live alone and be single for at least a year you know get to know yourself right right you get to figure yourself out because maybe it's you you know you get to live alone get to be single get to figure out what's going on in here but if you do it too long you just evolve into a monster just have a downward spiral the first few months of living alone that you live alone are the most liberating months of your entire life and the next months of living alone you live alone are the most depressing months of your entire life i had the weekend off the first month i ever lived alone i was like ooh looks like somebody's gonna be naked for the next three days i gotta wear clothes for nobody i'll be naked over here naked over here it's gonna be great at that same weekend off six months later i was like what's the point of clothes i knew i was depressing my friends i started getting gifts that were purely just to keep me alive i just started getting puzzles left and right my one friend he gave me a cake which would normally be nice but he gave me too much cake he gave me seven eighths of a huge huge chocolate birthday cake and i think in his head he was like this came alive at least a week and then i've done my part i can't i can't babysit you know but living alone being single that's too much freedom i need a girlfriend or a roommate now just to shame me back to reality you can do whatever you want i can do whatever i want no consequences anytime i want i got in the shower with an umbrella to see how it would feel you're looking at me you don't know what i'm talking about i got naked all right got in the shower turned the water and lifted the umbrellas like it does feel like rain will someone call today oh it's just like being outside except i control the weather you

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 1,320,106

Keywords: Josh Johnson, Comedy Central Presents, Hart of the City, This Week at Comedy Cellar, Josh Johnson comedian, Josh Johnson stand up, stand up, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy central, comedy, comedians, comedian, best of, old lady, break up, dumped, diarrhea, food poisoning, horror, kid, possessed, fired, gang, uber, black, living alone, roommates, girlfriend, depression, funny, funny video, comedy videos, jokes, funny jokes, funny clips, humor, best comedy, best stand up

Id: 4wvi3yjUVDk

Length: 11min 9sec (669 seconds)

Published: Tue Sep 29 2020