Fired from a Gang, Uber’s Biggest Flaw & City Babies - Josh Johnson - This Week at the Comedy Cellar

how do you celebrate Black History Month so you come to see comedy shows good call you know I've heard that a lot of white people celebrate Black History Month by giving the nearest black guy $20 if that ain't the slickest [ __ ] I've ever seen in my life y'all can't see him he went I'll do with just a dab right my name is Josh Johnson and I'm originally from Louisiana growing up in Louisiana was like being in a bathtub and you can't get out and the water is dirty and it's racist clap your hands everybody for just Johnson I don't know if you can tell by looking at me but I was fired from being in a gang they kicked me out because I was too positive they were like why are you always smiling dog I'm like I mean none of us are dead or in jail and we're a gang they also kicked me out because I apologized too much our drive-bys sounded like hmm sorry like that's after a while I saw their point you know and even when it came down to it and they were kicking me out and I was like I want I just wanna hang out my friends and you guys are my friends and now I don't know what I'm going to do what why do I have to leave and they're like bro you giggle [Laughter] you just used it like a bad influence dog yeah be like you over here bringing in puppies on lemonade I like so I'm out I didn't know that I looked busted today until a homeless man didn't bother asking me for change and he asked everyone all right he was like hey Beth hey Beth a breath a breath oh oh it hurt my soul I took an uber to get here and I've come to a decision we should not be able to see the car in the app on the way to pick us up it's a bad idea you were only watching mistakes you are just watching like oh yes six rights and you'll be here that's perfect that is wonderful that's just what I wanted you know no take another right that makes sense no no you should pass me you're right you know sometimes the car will disappear and then reappear in a place that is still not here yeah baby you're like wow teleportation I had no idea we had reached this level of technology that's amazing sometimes the car will just start spinning and it'll spin further away from you and you're like is he drunk should I get in the car you know it's terrible it's disrespectful to the driver you know because it's only their job to drive you not to look cool on the way to pick you up it's not their job to drift down the street and landfill in front of you perfectly pop the car door open like Ryan guys it's just their job to drive you they're not at work yet and you're watching them imagine if you had that imagine if your boss had you on a screen before you got to work okay this man no he later he going to Starbucks all right okay we gonna have to have a discussion I'm into comic books a lot it started out when I was young I couldn't afford the good comic so I would get these sort of like discontinued publications that were like a quarter because of that I never knew what other kids were talking about then I read spire mounds like this is way better oh my gosh I wish I had grown up with with even a little bit of money and then I would have just bought the dollar 25 comic and knowing what my friends were talking about how many of you saw this story there's a group of Girl Scouts that were outside of a dispensary in Chicago selling girl scout cookies and what hustlers you know like it we've come full circle as a society because it used to be that kids would walk out the store and an adult was trying to sell them we now adults are walking out of dispensaries and there's kids like get that good [ __ ] you hungry everybody get hungry you don't want others I got that damn man I got that samosa I got that praline I got that mango cream I got that shortbread I used to think a lot about who I wanted to be when I grew up like what I want to be everything you know I think I finally decided when I grow up I want to be the dude that I am on the first date that would be amazing if I could be that dude for real that is he is somebody to aspire to that do read he pulled chairs out for people I don't even pull out the chair for myself I actually stick my leg under the table and drag the chair out like an animal and then sit down at it and he's got money yeah me like my second dates just we going through samples at Whole Foods while we learn about each other the advice that I wish I got when I first started was to quit I stuck with comedy because even though a bomb is the scary thing that no comic wants to experience I don't do that well in individual conversations and so a comedy show is just bombing with everyone at one time you know I haven't always lived to actually move to New York from Chicago me too and I quickly realized how proud New Yorkers are of their time what I mean by that is how like long they lived here you know I mean like like people be like I'm a real New Yorker dog I've been here eight years and then somebody in the back that nobody was talking to goes nah man don't start til 10 like what are you talking about your New York Times shouldn't be measured by county yard should be measured by your experiences you know like if we all move to New York tonight and we got off the plane and we got on the train and then we got off the train as a train doors open a homeless man coughs in your mouth you've been here two years [Applause] that's two full years right there I was walking down Times Square which was my mistake yeah I mean and I was walking down the street I saw this young woman clearly not from New York as she was smiling very wide she was genuinely happy you also could tell that she wasn't perfect as she was looking a bit like the screens and the buildings and everything and like and she was just blown away because she had seen this in movies and it's here now in front of her this is insane you know and so then she opened her mouth to say Wow everyone who laughed is from New York she opened her mouth to say wow because she was full of joy and hope and life and as soon as she opened her mouth to say Wow a bag flew in her mouth that's like yeah that's what happens here were you happy New York notice and it's in a dirty Walgreens bag to fly halfway in your head close your mouth and tuck your chin like an adult to take the train everywhere and it's exhausting I know that everyone doesn't have this problem but I'm like I don't know I'm just pressed up against people the entire ride just like mushed in between people I'm surprised no one is in me I'm pressed up against so many people so hard and I'm not a big man so if I get pressed up against two big men it's not uncommon for my feet to leave the ground it's not just dangling in between two grown men as the train goes and then they go to get off I'm like sir please don't do this I got three more stops please like it's a terrible feeling I was on the train with one of those ladies that had those baby backpacks you know I'm talking about where the baby is the backpack like she'll want looking her kid like the baby hanging in the other direction you know in some sort of like suspended time our baby could be gone for all she knows it could be a sack of potatoes traded for a baby and she'd still just keep walking a me so it was just me and the baby pressed up against each other nose to nose like this just mush in heads and this is a baby that's a soft head I should not be mushy my grown skull against this baby you know but I'm mushing up against the baby and I look at the baby and the baby looks at me he's like um I don't know what you want me to do I'm a babe my feet don't touch the ground either and then the Train sped up and as it sped up it like shook a little bit and the baby I don't know what age of baby this baby was be different wasn't like hold his own head of age he was out here so then the Train sped up and the baby went weightless and for a split second his little foot went in my mouth right and like not like I didn't close my mouth I didn't suck on his foot but still it was a baby foot in the dirty New York air you know I mean and so I'm choking and as and as I'm choking because there's no shoe but I mean I'm choking and I look at the baby and the baby looks at me he's like [Music] [Applause] [Music]

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 545,669

Rating: 4.9581289 out of 5

Keywords: Josh Johnson, This Week at the Comedy Cellar, Comedy Cellar, Josh Johnson comedian, Josh Johnson stand up, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedians, comedian, black history month, gang, drive by, fired, positive, smiling, giggle, uber, app, comic, comic books, weed, girl scouts, cookies, marijuana, cannabis, dispensary, first date, new york, new yorkers, new york city, Chicago, baby, subway, backpack, funny video, comedy videos, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, best comedy, best stand up

Id: tJp1V8k-phE

Length: 12min 49sec (769 seconds)

Published: Fri May 15 2020