Redd Foxx Presents Dirty Dirty Jokes (1984) | Andrew Dice Clay

[Music] from the Fox comedy club in Los Angeles this is 30 30 jokes with your host for the evening the undisputed king of kinky comedy The Godfather of 30 30 jokes mr. red five and starring the hoodlum of humor mr. Andrew Dice Clay what do you mean bisexual either suck dick EW don't featuring the Sultan of smut mr. Bob Schimmel guys really love him though you never met a guy where girl girls hey you want a [ __ ] man mr. Jackie Martling it's hard to tell stories about animals cuz you get confused cuz of a sheep as a ram in mules and ants how come a Rahmani ass as a goose right and the rolls-royce of raunch Reynaldo Rey a little 68 you do me oh you want with the lovely Miss Lotus Weinstock who talks the ladies about the subtle art of attracting that special man and a rare guest appearance wait also known as mr. Danny Johnston Oh boy-oh snatch Oh scumbags with this special show Redd Foxx looked high and low for the most offensive and outrageously funny comics anywhere let's look at this rising star the Sultan of smut Bob Schimmel [Applause] well this is a great evening I was kind of depressed today I read in the newspaper this morning that people could actually make money donating sperm to sperm banks and that really bothered me because last year alone I left five six hundred dollars slipped through my fingers having problems of my wife she showed me an article in the Cosmo magazine about the g-spot if you heard about this they found a new spot on the woman's body that's supposed to produce the most unbelievable orgasm supposed to last like 30 minutes what does the guy do for 30 minutes what do you go to 7-eleven get a 6-pack some cigarettes you come back she's not done yet so he went to a marriage counselor you said what you got to do is take your wife to one of these adult toy stores and get some marital AIDS and go home and experiment with them and broaden your sex life my wife found a vibrator that takes like 20 D cell batteries I could jumpstart your [ __ ] car with this thing why do people say excuse me after they fart wouldn't it be better if they said look out before they did then they say stuff like what did you eat today what is that gonna make a difference now yeah the Taco Bell you want to help me put the wallpaper back up remember a few years ago if you went to the doctor and he told you add the clap you went oh god I can't believe it now when they tell you that you go [Laughter] they said they might have a cure for herpes but they have to test it out on rats first how do they give a rat herpes well they tell some girl at the clinic look you already got the herpes [ __ ] the rat come on [Applause] actually animal sex is not funny I had a friend wants to [ __ ] the dog and his most disgusting thing I ever watched it's reading penthouse magazines today I have weird ads in penthouse for all the sex aids you could send away for like mr. big cream you rub it on your dick and your dick gets bigger wouldn't your hands get bigger too what else they so vibrating butt plugs who invented this who took it to the Patent Office you know ladies and gentlemen the funny thing about [ __ ] guys love [ __ ] the only thing they don't like about them is when you're all done and the girl cuddles up to you and goes come here sweetheart don't you want a little wine or something first a lot of cigarettes you don't smoke start smoking and the sick thing is you know you can have to do it cuz if you don't you know she'll think that's real nice he wants me to suck his dick but he won't kiss me how can I get even with him and you find out cuz when you kiss her you find out she hasn't swallowed it yet I wanted to try anal sex with my wife so why don't you lay on your stomach and let me go in the other way and she pulled out a dildo and said let me do you first I didn't like it I've hard enough time with a rectal thermometer who invented that mommy I don't feel good let me stick this glass right up your ass now how do you feel worse let me take it out now do you feel better see it works when do people decide they're gonna be gay what are you walking down the street one day and say you know I think I'd like a dick up my ass that's a good idea be the sizzler you have a steak a baked potato glass of wine a cigarette you'll really top this evening off I think a dick up the ass it's not on the menu where do I find that you ever take a [ __ ] and look at it and it looks like someone you know do you tell them you ever wonder what determines whether it's going to be two three pieces of that one long one that comes up the side of the floor line it always happens to somebody else's house and they don't have a brush number when you were a little kid I baked your dad's dick used to look I think either your hunger you're hung up about it one of the other it's true a guy couldn't show a picture of a naked girl his girlfriend like in a Playboy magazine and say you don't you think she's pretty and the girls say yeah she's got a nice face or a pretty hair or something but if a girl shows a picture of a naked guy to her boyfriend and the guy's got a really big dick like four or five inches they'd never have anything positive to say about it I was at somebody's house of showing a picture of John Holmes this guy looks like a ride at Magic Mountain the husband goes yeah it's big but it doesn't get completely hard who gives a [ __ ] what are they talking about although you read the letters in penthouse from the say you know I've been with the guys with the big dicks and to tell you the truth I'd rather have a warm loving sensitive man with the five inch penis than a man with a nine inch penis women write these they don't write these letters men write them and they sign women's names do my wife wants to get a cat for a pet I like dogs they're a lot more fun you can play frisbee with them you go jogging with a dog said cats are better than dogs because when a dog has to go to the bathroom at 3:00 in the morning I still wake you up you have to get up you have to let the dog out you have to wait till he's done you have to let him back in when a cat has to go they don't bother anybody that is [ __ ] in the box I don't like the way that sounds [ __ ] the box only something new and McDonough's she said that cats are so intelligent you could actually teach them to go on the toilet yeah and then when you have to go the cat's in there tomorrow someone you're gonna be forget it where's the box then he used the box and your friends come over and go what do you got a mountain lion for a pet here stalking this guy today was out this girl last night he said yeah I [ __ ] the [ __ ] out of her you know I never want to see anything like this I [ __ ] their brains out yeah I think I know a few of these girls I like when you're with a girl only guy goes hey [ __ ] once for me what do you say oh and this is for a friend of mine when I reach puberty when I was like 19 my mom said Bob you're gonna be getting these funny feelings pretty soon and I just want you to know that it's normal to want to play with yourself I said mom do you're a sick [ __ ] get out of your way you don't need your mother's permission to do this and I could never do it cuz I'm afraid of dying an embarrassing death with my luck I'd be in bed with like 12 or 13 penthouse magazines just at that magic moment a blood vessel would burst in my head and I'd die with my dick in my hand parents will come on with company this is Robert's room so tiny I met this girl we went out one night she said you want to have the most unbelievable orgasm in your life you let somebody stick a knot and rag up your ass just when you're ready to come you haven't pull it out so I said okay I'm willing to try anything once until I see her taking the rag out of the trunk of her car so I said I don't want the rag she said you know what else is just as good you let somebody stick a string of beads up your ass I said okay so I'm at the hospital getting the beads removed and the doctor pulled the string and I came like a [ __ ] wow you guys have been a great crowd you got a great show coming up for you it's been a real pleasure working here especially meeting the king Redd Foxx he's definitely The Alchemist thank you very much all right I was Bob shovel next is a real good friend of mine from way back he's a writer producer in the comedian it's done a lot of work in the industry he has three albums and you might have one of them he may be the best you've ever heard oh are are we calling the rolls-royce dirty comedy this lady's album is Reynaldo Rey lives Reynaldo Rey [Music] expected a Mexican Daniel this name has [ __ ] me up all my life I know I'm weird I look weird when I was growing up I was weird and I knew it because people would look at me and say he where and see it's rough growing up in the ghetto you know when you are a high yellow red haired freckled a black Indian country boy with a Mexican egg and I look in the mirror I know we didn't come from Africa looking like this somebody [ __ ] around has either been a [ __ ] in the barnyard a taco in the ham hocks our cracker in the cooker job but that's alright I went to New York check out my family tree and I hate New York and in New Yorkers in here [ __ ] you I wish King Kong at eating that big raggedy [ __ ] by Haydn whoo yeah I met my ex-wife in New York I thought that a woman walked in look just like my ex-wife tonight scared the [ __ ] out of me cuz I ain't paid no alimony I don't believe in alimony that's like paying for a car that you can't drive if I ever sent a woman some alimony [ __ ] better send me some [ __ ] back I was on the board of they're drunk come in bumped up to the bartender is all disheveled for you drop out that's [ __ ] up here approach Martin is there button give me a drink quick my butt does it was your problem he's a mess Stan long comb man and my own self in big truck combat not my thing off not be laying right on my hand thank slid down in the bar tips a stupid ain't no truck knock your thing off he said swear to god man I picked it up and put it in my pocket got it right here I shoot my thing bartender says stupid that ain't your thing that's an old cigar wrong pocket see man my veins ready to knock the [ __ ] out behavior but there's a stupid that's another whole cigar oh my god I smoke my dick [Applause] damn I'm a family man I'm mad three times two three zodiac freaks cancer scorpio and of sad you crabby ass I'm so sick of that zodiac [ __ ] what's your samford dollar sign [ __ ] give it up women are so much into this [ __ ] it's signal other night I'm in the throes of passion approaching orgasmic bliss with one of them Scorpio freaks they're right on mom and this girl's a renowned Oh what's your sad as the Aquarius mama she said oh my god we're not compatible and then Leo talked alligator got this brain Elizabeth said I was married to three of them freaks man all three of my wives treated me bad all three of them dad very wrist is Lee first wife died from mushroom pardon second wife died from mushroom party third wife died from a fractured skull his bits funny tomorrow she had to go name my only son Herman jr. and my name ain't even mama Mel never named Herman I moved from Kansas City to Cleveland to LA each place I got the same damn mailman I know ain't no route that bird seriously I didn't eat no cause that dog white boys ate [ __ ] cause they had a little bitty joint now that what we grew up tagging then we saw deep throat and sought to take on that boy you're on I said he must have colored blood see but now we know white boys a [ __ ] cause it good we're catching up now I'm doing my share and hope to make a giant step for the brothers tonight I've become a freak I went to Berkeley our textbook was an anthology of a freak written by Billie Jean King that's my girl I think Billy Joel was a man about this yet when they put the finger on her she stood up inside to [ __ ] but the [ __ ] will not get this Malibu house and no [ __ ] that girl [Applause] now just roll yours on out of here well gang our time is limited and so they told me I guess oh you're just wonderful [ __ ] I wanna say thank you some nice mother but time is limited I gotta go but I won't say I love you sweet dreams good night ladies good luck dudes if your luck is bad [Music] emigrated [Applause] come on [Applause] [Music] thank you very much next we like to introduce the inventor of the dollar 30 jokes like the welcome ladies and gentlemen Jackie Martin give a great big rider jacket [Music] so guys getting married on Saturday Friday night his friends take him out get him waylaid bar laid roulade mislaid up down up fing bang boom forget his pecker is a mangled mess you know what to do he takes two popsicle sticks puts them they're wrapped in adhesive tape next day he gets married here they are in honeymoon suite she walks out stark naked she's look honey untouched by human hands you guys think quickie full-size pants is look not even out of the crate [Applause] so guys going to the best whorehouse in the entire world at 448 West 48th Street Manhattan has a few beers Backson goes to 884 West 84th Street stupid I'd to service he walks into nurses go behind the curtain and stick it out through the hole so he doesn't she goes but I didn't know there was a minimum so a college professor goes to bed with his wife he's not tired she just stay awake and read while she goes to sleep sweet read and every once while I reaches over in tickles are in the fun spot who read the great thinking she says we a stock that you stop bitching over here teasing me like that he says I'm not teasing him I'm wetting my finger so I could turn the page [Laughter] big that stuff on you I tried that stuff with my old lady next day she signed me up for Evelyn wood speed reading yeah lady gets on a bus she goes like this let's drive it goes like this she goes like this he goes like this she goes like this he goes like this she gonna get sign the front says who was that first rated-r lady has a little trouble hearing so we communicate visually she said you're going downtown I said uptown she said you're gonna stop I says Express said you're gonna buy a dairy farmers at the ballpark [ __ ] [ __ ] I'm on the wrong bus so our guys got a pic fat wife she gets out of the shower sits on the pot and gets stuck three calls to plummet and he realized that she's sitting there naked he can't have this so he gets this bowl of Derby and puts it on her lap to cover up home base the plumber shows up walks in Lucky's as well Mackey says I think I could save your wife but the guy in the Hat sir goner ladies playing golf she gets it yes really hard with a golf ball she goes a doctor he says where were you hit she says between the first then the second hole he says that doesn't leave a lot of room for the band-aid going down it's just embarrassing how about the girl goes to the gynecologist he examines her he says you have a cute vaginitis she says thank you guy goes on a date cuts in his finger she says putting another finger he says what do you want to do whistle what do you call a lesbian that drives a delivery truck full of dildos a big band bank I wasn't always hip to cocaine the first time a guy told me he just did a tude I held my breath and left the room does that easy to laugh at that one cuz of the way we're all raised to think that girls don't do those so we're in mixed company so he can't giggle at that right but girls do blue ters you know they do the Grace Jones guy picked up a girl for a date on the way out to the car she realized she has to crack her ass that's the thoughts the boom right so anyway that cigar she figures she'll get in and while he's walking around she can tug a rug everything would be fine so go out to the car he opens the door she gets in he's walking around she lifts the leg and blows a hole in her parachute he gets in he says by the way dear I'd like to meet the couple with doubling with [Laughter] paulus couples walk long as a black couple with their baby the false guy tells his wife says you know we have six children wrong we've never been able to have a black child she says you know I couldn't help but notice when she asked him advice he says that's a good idea goes over the black couple says your kids are cute he says we have six children wrong we've never been able to have a black child the black guys like she's him maybe give us some advice black guy said well is it about that long most guys just so know maybe yo hey like this well is about that big around is that the pound you letting him too much light you don't mind if I sit down to you so this girl told me this joke done Savannah couple gets married they're going to Dallas for the honeymoon she says come on let's get it on huh not until we get to Dallas she's just come on we're married I won't get it on now he's not until we get to Dallas she says I'll compromise with you we do it on the plane leave she's yeah you just take it out and I looked up my dress and have you done that she's looking at me like if you get lost I'll tell you what's next ha ha ha you just take it out and I'll lift up a dress and I'll sit on and nobody'll know he says well what about we'll get going she says you leave everything to me so you got a plane and he takes it out and she lifts up her dress she sits on him so many ladies village huh am i laughing it's so - why she said time she says the girl in front of me she says are you doing to Dallas oh are you going to Dallas Oh are you going to Dallas everybody lady goes for it first golf lesson the pro since you got hold the club like you hold your husband's organ she takes the club hits the ball he says beautiful perfect shot right down the fairway now I take the club out of mouth put it in your hands will go for distance I happen to like oral sex myself I'm not crazy about the view that's why pubic hair is curly so it will poke in the eye bubbles in the living room he says you're dry tonight she says you're licking the rug you look great I'm Jackie Marley good night thank you unique isn't the word this next guy meet our own tough and dirty guy Andy Dice Clay [Applause] Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet eating her curds and whey along came a spider sat down beside he said hey what's in the bowl [ __ ] roses are red violets are blue I'm a schizophrenic so my Jack and Jill went up the hill both with a buck in a quarter joke him down with 250 Hayden gold for no water wasn't old lady lived in a shoe she had so many kids she didn't know what to do so she started giving head worked out [Applause] jack be nimble Jack be quick Jack jumped over a candlestick how impressive but you see Jack wasn't so nimble Jack's just not that quick so now poor Jack's in the hospital with a burnt [ __ ] dick Oh Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her old dog a bone she bent over Rover took over aid she got a bone of her own I don't know I mean Little Bo Peep lost a sheep big [ __ ] deal I lost my wallet nobody's talking about me screw that sleazy hall ready let me know when she loses a virginity that's a story who's this guy dr. Suman whoever gave this guy a license to practice medicine it's got one fish two fish red fish blue fish it's got 10 apples up on top each green eggs and ham it keeps his cat in his hat now I don't know about you people but uh this guy ain't shoving a thermometer up my ass I don't need that kind of pressure from nobody it's enough I live up here in Hollywood right yeah great place you know what I got a lot of gay people up here you know the same they're all over the place it's like a fungus you know what I'm done wrong I'm not kidding it's like you got herpes aids and [ __ ] itis you know what I'm sayin they come from [ __ ] right they're not from this planet right they march up and down Santa Monica Boulevard with t-shirts on I want money for AIDS well I want money for a new [ __ ] car I ain't going up and down the street right get a job but [ __ ] okay find something else you like I mean personally I couldn't see having some guy rip my rectum to shreds and turn around and say I love you why don't you just put a bullet in my head while you're a delay ain't gonna be able to [ __ ] for three months as it is they don't know if they want to be called gays homosexuals fairies I call them [ __ ] I think it spells it out what's the big debate about they got this Richard Simmons the 1983 Vaseline poster boy you see this guy in the [ __ ] up his ass already and then I read recently this really excited me David Bowie comes out with a statement saying he's not gay anymore he gave it up what'd he do go to the Schick Center for three weeks right I mean I know this guy sees a Boy Scout Troop he buckles to his knees you know what I'm saying I quit cigarettes too okay pal you need a dick in your mouth that's your problem but it's not really the [ __ ] that piss me off I even respect them a little because they've made a decision with their lives not like these bisexuals one of these guys wake up in the morning flip a coin right heads I want hair pie tails I'll take balls across the nose the same menu you know what I'm saying and you know it really cracks me up you know really the punchline when they finally do get this AIDS disease they can't figure out where it comes from they have no idea if you're walking around with [ __ ] on your dick every day you're bound to pick something up you know what I'm saying this ain't a 24-hour virus here you know I mean you ain't [ __ ] normal what do you mean you can't figure it out you know you need the Hershey Highway that's your problem especially when they can't come up with with a cure the next day you know what I'm saying think maybe this is God's Way of saying hey fellas this ain't right this ain't the combination I picked out what are you [ __ ] blind I guess if I had a bang somebody in the ass I'd go with Reagan I'm gonna have another cigarette I love to smoke I started smoking at the Schick Center it can work for me either now you don't you seem like a nice girl you know your Pig given the girl come no I'm a [ __ ] pig I'll do it any way you want [Applause] yeah you cute really cute girl what's your name any idea up dude no what's your name Lee Lee in Washington okay beautiful that's a beautiful name your cute girl nice [ __ ] [Laughter] yeah I love chicks you know it especially pits come big on tits big dates little tits ditch that skip and hop a happy tape a sad - but it used as a month by Edgar Allan Poe see you see the magic of it take there's magic in case you guys don't know that you see the magic of it it is when you touch them and they shake you pop a boner remember when they first came out with the heart on you remember that like in the 3rd 4th grade all of a sudden you lean over like the Hunchback of Notre Dame the teacher goes come on up to the boy and you're sitting here like no I don't think so honey not today okay you're the teacher you figure it out or hey I got some kind of ligament over here I don't know what's going on things like galleon it's banging into the desk next to me I don't know what's happening but then you grow up learn to accept the hard-on to deal with it to control it to master it especially that morning hard-on I'll put that up against a Ginsu knife any day yeah it'll slice it up dice it'll pump your car up if you got a flat tire also you go ahead on and hang your laundry right you see when you first meet a girl they're always on diets I don't get it though weighs six ounces they're on a diet then yes come out where they want to go eat okay once you got them in the restaurant they chained themselves to the [ __ ] tables you can't get a matter I like vultures right they're shoving breadsticks in their pocket on the way out so you take them out you spent 35 40 bucks plus tie away everything can say you know I'm thought you spent all this cash and what do you get at the end of the night a kiss on the cheek fellas let's face it we could get that from our wives I mean a kiss on the cheek was cute five ten years ago you go on a first date get a kiss on the cheek Oh No maybe a little grinding action it got to come on back but you see today women are liberated it's a whole new ballgame it's like on a first date they say things like well I don't think we should have intercourse but I'll blow you I didn't make the rules they're just abide by them really no but don't think I'm putting women down I love women I do that cute they got a lot of cute quirks like why is it that every time a girl goes to the bathroom and they take along a pocketbook where is [ __ ] in the bag they take along a pocketbook and an extra girlfriend what's the extra girlfriend there for enthusiasm gain honor you can do it bad yeah I'm loaded truck I'd pee like a racehorse under get back it up a little I gotta get a Polaroid of this this is beauty that caught mrs. cleaver had the fever was I mistaken yeah and then with that r orgasms forget it they don't want one then one 1522 clip a guy has one he sleeps till Christmas chick has one she's bringing in the troops it don't end with them I mean let's face it right a guy who cranked them up in five minutes it's over right good with a chick when you go down there you need scuba gear you like going down for five minutes you need a machete just to get through the shrubbery you know what I'm saying then you gotta go like on a four-day manhunt right you got to find some g-spot behind door number three right there's some guy in a boat going to Europe you gotta track him say it's tan right and after eight hours of working like a dog just to get out one little they want to turn around and say talk to me poor peel any [ __ ] oxygen honey okay you want to talk boy your mom get me to a hospital Austin almond here for God's sakes with the positions you gotta fold them stretch and bend them you gotta be [ __ ] Gumby to make love today you got an Anglophone machine to live with a pic on my mouth to get them off with all the protection they got shoved in there today they got all I Oh use coils I feel like a [ __ ] a Chevy half the time I just don't need that kind of pressure you know what I'm saying good now I stick to the one night stand anybody ever have a one-night stand you're all full of [ __ ] I think it's beautiful the one-night stand here's my impression of a one-night stand Oh get out anybody see ET the extra testicle anybody see that movie kind of movie is this to show human beans you know what nine-year-old kid walks out into the middle of the woods and starts playing handball with this half [ __ ] heft I might like it's a long-lost cousin okay this kid don't blink an eye he's making blood brothers bringing along for beer meet the family stay over for the weekend me happy standing out there with a [ __ ] bazooka you know what I mean yeah you got to make a phone call get the [ __ ] out of the neighborhood yeah put anything in my neighborhood for five minutes my neighborhood you walk into the grocery store you pick up the lid you go Paul Kay goes [ __ ] you I gotta say bought her one more time somebody's getting hurt and then I go home I turn on HBO and I see this Elephant Man what is this self-pity [ __ ] for three and a half hours I'm sitting here watching this freak of [ __ ] nature walk around going I'm not an animal and I'm saying no well you ain't no [ __ ] Burt Reynolds pal okay not an animal the guy's got a face like a snatch what do you mean he's not an animal I could pick him out of a lineup you know what I'm saying you don't see too many people like this walking around and maybe in 7-eleven you got a couple been a great audience and the dice played very funny got some of the fires competed in world are women remember lawanda page is not esta right this next young woman you might have seen on TV when she emceed the first annual mr. tush contest on real people her name is Lotus swine stop [Applause] [Music] quick question how many people here read The Inquirer say I less than the Bible I think we're on the right track it's amazing to me it's the biggest-selling paper in the universe and no one ever admits they read it I actually have an Enquirer class every Thursday I'm kidding that's my business oh yeah I do read The Enquirer at the check stands cuz I'd never paid for it but they actually have some very enlightening articles in there I I've been reading some articles in the behavioral science area I caught one not so long ago written by three men who had PhDs collectively they had 933 years of schooling and they were willing to give it to me in a page I'd like to give it to you in a few minutes how to use body signals a man can't resist when it comes to attracting that special man there's an easy way to do it who knew you simply use 10 body language signals to communicate your interest in him and make him yours say the experts the 10 tips are number one while conversing turn an open palm towards him this signals you're open to his advances number two lick your lips while keeping an open palm licking the lips is a definite flirtatious gesture notes body language expert Julia's fast number three play with your hair touch your hair or twist a lock between your fingers suggest dr. Adam Camden visiting professor of anthropology at Connecticut College now keep it open palm while you're playing with your hair okay these things are most effective if they're all done together no we're playing with the hair looking the lips and always keeping that open palm okay [Applause] now we get into some very insightful stuff show off your curves twist your body in such a way that the breasts are made slightly more prominent give me an inch here okay Emmys a kind of wiggle in the hips you ready for number six this is really an insight touch his side when a woman touches a man's thigh even if she's just met him at a party it is signalling I am very interested in you no [ __ ] Sherlock okay now keep it open palm while you're touching his time [Laughter] [Music] this next one is my personal favorite give him that special look this is done by closing your eyelids and then when you open them again your eyes are looking elsewhere okay now caress your own a body yeah hand turn to Santa his mood by drawing attention to your own body [Music] [Applause] if while talking to a man a woman moves her hand down her thigh but touches the top of your breast it can be a way of saying this might lead to something I try to keep it open palm while you're touching your breath let's write it all down where attention giving him that special we're talking his but I were playing without here when looking noses and we are always keeping that open pump okay now get it all going at once if you still hasn't noticed you come in for the kill touch an inanimate object as you talk to him [Applause] I know you won't believe this but I'm really interested in you [Applause] we have a cylindric now in the living room but they're not exactly a sunday-school choir they called bird in McDonald [Applause] [Music] there was a no farmer who lived by a rock he sat in the meadow was shaking his fist at some boys who were down by the creek their feet in the water their hands on their marbles and playthings and in days of yore there came a young lady she look like a pretty young creature she sat on the grass she pulled up her dresses and showed us her ruffles and he said she was learning a new way to bring up her children and burn them to it while the boys in the barnyard were shoveling refuse and later from yesterday's hunt while the girl in the meadow was rubbing her eyes at the fellas girls sometimes do to make it quite clear that she wanted to go for a nice pleasant stroll on the grass and hurry back home for a nice piece of ice cream and lair stop and after the search she was ready to go for another walk down by the dock with any a man with a sizable roll of 100 in a big bulge up front hit me desperately sheet showing her little pet dog ooh subject to fits then maybe she met him grab hold of her small tender hands with the movement so quick and cheap and on over and suck on his sodas so sweetly till she finished it then pull down her and these deer of honor if that she purrs when she ran down the hall cuz he tried to force her to lick on his can be so tasty made a butterscotch and then he spread whipped cream all over her cookies that she has been baking all night innovate this sister dear [ __ ] well right [Applause] [Music] thank you very much folks the next fella beat out a lot of stiff competition to win the first international stand-up comics award let's love me folks Denny Johnston [Applause] [Music] hi my name's Jo Bob Davis I'm president of the Carpenters Union the Bakersfield California and I have several safety tips for you when cutting two by fours with a goddamn skill so make sure that you always wear a pair of these hair safety goggles even though they do make you look like a real [ __ ] [ __ ] then safety tip number two don't ever ever ever do this [Applause] my impression of John Wayne if he ever became a stand-up comic Oh buenos nachos scumbags I just rode my horse in from Las Vegas Boyer his balls wallet there's a little joke for you what's the difference between a moose and Lawrence Welk's orchestra animu the horns are up front and the [ __ ] and back thank you well there's another little joke for you what do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy drei Martinez well there's another little joke for you how come they haven't found out I cure for eight yeah can't get those little white laboratory mice to butt-fuck each other here about the blind skunk that dried arepa fart a black couple mr. and mrs. Jackson are sent in the breakfast room table with their ten month old kit all sudden the little kid looks of them miss Jackson and says mother mr. Jackson looks over and says here that honey just said half a word guy goes into a doctor's office and says I don't know what's wrong with me doc but every time I eat something it comes out looking the same I eat a hamburger comes out looking like a hamburger I ate a slice of pizza comes out looking like it slice of pizza pepperonis are even in the same spot what the hell am I gonna do doc doc says each joke for you what do you call a girl that can suck up but golf ball through a drinking straw darlin you're about the prostitute that one on the fishing trip with seven guys and came home with a big red snapper oh [ __ ] you I don't write this yet [Laughter] [Applause] remember the girl that got eaten by the shark in John they find out she had dandruff found her ten shoulders on the beach you know lying my jokes come up her and tell me personally and I'll rip off your head and [ __ ] in your neck don't make no difference to me three old guys are sitting in a rest home one guy seventy ones eighty in the third ones ninety we're sitting around talking one day and the seventy year old says boy I wish I could take a healthy piss again eighty year old says I got no problem doing that I just wish I could take a healthy [ __ ] again well the 90 year old looks over says every morning at seven o'clock I take a healthy piss about 9:20 on the button I take a healthy [ __ ] I just wish I could wake up before noon [Laughter] anybody here I wouldn't even know who Jack Nicholson is I think of Jack Nicholson couldn't get a great job as an actor in a film the only job they offered him was to host a television TV show this is how I think Jack would handle the job alright little turd drivers now before we start to tape the macmurphy to the clown show Uncle Jack wants to talk to you kids about a few things that are starting to piss him off last week we had what we call share period a little Suzy Thompson said that she wanted to come up and show us all her little [ __ ] Uncle Jack that she's talking about a goddamn cat so remember kids this stuff continues to happen uncle Jack's gonna have to put his hands around your little necks and squeeze real hard till your [ __ ] eyes pop out well I gotta be getting off now [Laughter] my mom gave me that joke how many of you I know who Jimmy stewardess this is my impression of James Stewart if he ever decided to do the Beatles song blackbird [Music] piece of [ __ ] goddamn [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] I got a good mind take this guitar back to the man I bought it from and ramming up his [ __ ] half but this sign first that's it les he's got hemorrhoid be more fun [Music] thank you very much hey we're coming into our club well that's as I line up for this evening and I hope you weren't offended here about the show if you were offended any and you stayed until the end and you were a dummy so tired Kevin and come again see you next time good night folks [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music]

Channel: reelblack

Views: 1,050,722

Rating: 4.7001467 out of 5

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Id: RVuMlKBZgyo

Length: 58min 26sec (3506 seconds)

Published: Tue Sep 03 2019