George Carlin on Death - RIP

so you know what I've been doing going through my address book and crossing out the dead people you do that that's a lot of fun isn't it gives you a good feeling kind of gives you a feeling of power a superiority to have outlasted another old friend but you can't do it too soon you know you can't do it too soon you can't come running home from the funeral and get the book out you know be looking for the car you can't do that a little time has to pass gets a little little time go by I have a rule of thumb six weeks if you're a friend of mine and you're in my book and you die I leave you alone for an extra six weeks six extra weeks in the book on the house it's on me now speaking of dead people there are things we say when someone dies most of us say a lot of us do things we say that no one ever questions they just kind of go unexamined give you a couple examples after someone dies the following conversation is bound to take place probably more than once - guys meet on the street hey did you hear Phil Davis died Phil Davis I just saw him yesterday yeah did it help he died anyway apparently the simple act of your seeing him did not slow his cancer down in fact it may have made it more aggressive you know you could be responsible for Phil's death how do you live with yourself here's another thing they say after a death this is usually said to the surviving spouse listen if there's anything I can do anything at all please don't hesitate to ask what are you gonna do a resurrection this ain't the [ __ ] New Testament you know know what to tell a guy like that who wants to help Oh fine - you come over this weekend you can paint the garage bring your plunger the upstairs toilet overflowed and there's [ __ ] all over the floor up there you drive a tractor good that'll come in handy the north 40 needs a lot of attention bring your chainsaw on your pickaxe we're gonna put your ass to work he wants to help [ __ ] him call his bluff call his bluff don't hesitate to ask the nerve of these pricks here's another thing we say to the surviving spouse I'm keeping him in my thoughts where where exactly in your thoughts does he fit in between my ass hurts in this chair and let's [ __ ] the waitress what are your priorities we use a lot of euphemisms when we talk about death you know people say things like you know I lost my father ah he'll turn up you got to stay optimistic with people like that give them reason to hope have you checked the dumpster out back he used to like to take a nap in there keep it upbeat now there's something else that is said after a death but this one involves belief which is where I begin to have big problems this one happens after the funeral after the burial back at the house back at the house where the family and friends and the loved ones of the deceased are having some food and drink and enjoying some warm reminiscences of the person who passed away sooner or later someone is bound to say the following especially after a few drinks you know I think he's up there now smiling down at us and I think he's pleased now first of all there is no up there for people to be smiling down from it's poetic it's quaint and I guess for superstitious people it provides a little comfort but it doesn't exist but if it did if it did and if someone did somehow survive death in a non-physical form I personally think he'd be far too busy with other celestial activities than to be standing around paradise smiling down on live people what kind of a [ __ ] eternity is that and why is it no one ever says I think he's down there now smiling up at us apparently it never occurs to people that their loved ones might be in hell your parents could be in hell right now your parents and your father for sure oh [ __ ] hell is full of dads full of dads even the ones who took you to the ball game just for beating the [ __ ] out of you once too often and [ __ ] the neighbour lady and [ __ ] the neighbour dog and who knows maybe even [ __ ] the UPS man we'll never know what mischief dad was up to parents in heaven parents and hell's use me kind of gives me a nice feeling you know grandparents in hell picture that picture your grandmother in hell baking pies without an oven and if someone were in hell I doubt very seriously he'd be smiling I think he's down there now screaming up at us and I think he's in severe pain now speaking of dead people in heaven there are some people who not only believe that their dead parents in heaven can see them they honestly believe that their dead parents in heaven can help them you've heard these people I'm sure they honestly somehow believe that their dead parents in heaven can intercede with God on their behalf to gain favors for the living I come from a Catholic home I heard this [ __ ] they sit there in the chair with the [ __ ] rosary and then look at you like this you know nice you know my dad my dad was looking out for me he was looking out I don't know how he got me out of that gym but he got me oh my mom my mom was in surgery with me she was in I could feel her presence in the yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah fine like the people who died have nothing better to do than to run the heavenly branch of the make-a-wish Foundation now if people want to believe this kind of stuff it's fine with me let him believe it I don't I don't I don't want to disabuse anyone of their despair beliefs but I have a question about this a question that involves logic let's suppose it's true let's allow the proposition that somehow dead parents in heaven can help their living children fine so we got a family living on earth father and mother and four kids family is six good family nice family doing all the right things having a good time making all the right moves and if the parents go away on a weekend trip and get killed in an accident and the children of course survive so now according to this theory these two people go to heaven and they start helping their four living children helping them with everything they need helping them with their science projects with their SAT scores helping them get a good school and get it get a nice job and get a promotion and raising someone to marry and they all grow up these four kids now grow up and have children of their own and let's say that all four of these now grown children also die at the same time just for the sake of argument let's say there's an explosion at Thanksgiving dinner and these four died but their children survived because they were seated at the children's table so so now according to the theory these four go to heaven and they start helping their living children but what happens to the original to what happens to the grandparents do they just go off duty now what do they do other subjects is there a retirement program up there now there's some activities for these people shuffleboard pinball online poker there must be something they can do or do they have to remain on duty indefinitely do they have to keep on helping their living descendants forever and ever and ever is that what heaven is all about helping the living when do you get to just lie back on a cloud and take a [ __ ] harp lesson you know what I mean

Channel: boyhowdypro

Views: 6,349,198

Rating: 4.8493953 out of 5

Keywords: george, carlin, death, died, rip, 2008, heaven, religion, hell, bhp

Id: 3PiZSFIVFiU

Length: 9min 57sec (597 seconds)

Published: Mon Jun 23 2008

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