George Carlin - on airlines and flying

[Applause] something else we have in common flying on the airlines and listening the airlines announcements and trying to pretend to ourself that the language they're using is really English don't seem like it to me whole thing's starts when you get to the gate first announcement we would like to begin the boarding process X word process not necessary boarding is enough we'd like to begin the boarding simple tells the story people add extra words when they want things to sound more important than they really are boarding process sounds important it isn't just a bunch of people getting on an airplane people like to sound important weather men on television talk about shower activity sounds more important than showers I even heard one guy in CNN talk about a rain event you said Louisiana is expecting a rain event I thought holy [ __ ] I hope I can get tickets to that the emergency situation news people like to say police have responded to an emergency situation no they haven't they've responded to an emergency we know it's a situation everything is a situation anyway as part of this boarding process they say we would like to pre-board but what exactly is that anyway what does it mean to pre-board to get on before you get on that's another complaint of mine too much use of this prefix pre it's all over the language now pre this pre that place the turkey in a preheated oven three thick ulis there are only two states an oven can possibly exist in heated or unheated please is a meaningless [ __ ] term it's like pre-recorded this program was pre-recorded well of course it was pre-recorded we're now she's gonna record it afterwards that's the whole purpose of recording to do it beforehand otherwise it doesn't really work does it preexisting pre-planning pre-screening known I tell these people priests suck my genital situation [Applause] and they seem to understand what I'm talking about anyway as part of this pre-boarding they say we would like to pray bar those passengers traveling with small children but what about those passengers traveling with large children sports have a two-year over the pituitary disorder you know a six foot infant with an oversized hand tiny kid you see in the National Enquirer all the time actually with a kid like that I think you better off checking them riding with your luggage at the curb don't you well they like it under there it's dark they're used to that out this time someone is telling you to get on the plane get on the plane get on the plane I say [ __ ] you I'm getting in the plane let Evel Knievel get on the plane I'll be in here with you folks in uniform there seems to be less wind in here they might tell you you're on a none stop flying well I don't think I care for that no I insist that my flight stop preferably at an airport it's those sudden unscheduled cornfield and housing development stops that seem to interrupt the flow of my day here's one they just made up near miss but two planes almost collide they call it a near-miss it's an ear head a collision is a near miss look they nearly missed [Applause] yes but not quite they might tell you your flight has been delayed because of a change of equipment broken plane tell me to put my seat back forward well I don't bend that way I put my seat back forward I'd be in porno movies then they mention carry-on luggage first time I heard carry-on I thought they were gonna bring a dead deer on board I'll have a little TV dinners anymore then I thought carry on carry on there's going to be a party people are going to be carrying on the plane well I don't care for that I like a serious attitude on the plane especially on the flight deck which is the latest euphemism for cockpit can't imagine why they wouldn't want to use a lovely word like cockpit can you especially with almost stewardesses going in and out of it all the time there's a word that's changed stewardess person was hostess then stewardess now its flight attendant you know what I call him the lady on the plane sometimes it's a man on the plane now that's good equality I'm all in favor of that sometimes they actually refer to these people as uniformed crew members uniformed as opposed to that guys sitting next to you and the Grateful Dead t-shirt and the [ __ ] you had who's working on his ninth little bottle of Kahlua I might add as soon as they close the door to the aircraft that's when they begin the safety lecture I love the safety lecture this is my favorite part of the airplane ride I listen very carefully to the safety lecture especially that part where they teach us how to use the seat belts imagine this here we are a Plane full of grown human beings many of us partially educated and they're actually taking time out to describe the intricate workings of a belt buckle plays the small metal flap into the buckle well I asked for clarification at that point yes thank you very much did I hear you correctly did you say place the small metal flap into the buckle or lace the buckle over and around the small metal flap I'm a simple man I did not possess an engineering degree nor my mechanically inclined sorry to have taken up so much of your time please continue with the wonderful safety lecture seatbelt high-tech [ __ ] the safety lecture continues the next thing they do they tell you to locate your nearest emergency exit I do this immediately I locate my nearest emergency exit and then I planned my route you have to plan your route it's not always a straight line is it sometimes there's a really big fat [ __ ] sitting right in front but you know you'll never get over him I look around for women and children midgets and Dwarfs cripples war widows paralyzed veterans people with broken legs anybody who looks like they can't move too well the emotionally disturbed come in very handy at a time like this you might have to go out of your way to find these people but you'll get out of the plane a lot goddamn quicker believe me I say let's see I'll go around the fat [ __ ] step on the widow's head push those children out of the way knock down the paralyzed [ __ ] and get out of the plane where I can help others [Applause] I can be of no help to anyone if I'm lying unconscious in the aisle with some big [ __ ] standing on my head I must get out of the plane go to a nearby farmhouse have a dr. pepper and call the police the safety lecture continues in the unlikely event this is a very suspect phrase especially coming is it those from an industry that is willing to lie about arrival and departure times and the unlikely event of a sudden change in cabin pressure roof flies off an oxygen mask will drop down in front of you place the mask over your face and breathe normally well I have no problem with that I always breathe normally when I'm in a 600 mile an hour uncontrolled vertical dive I also [ __ ] normally [Applause] they tell you to adjust your oxygen mask before helping your child with his I did not need to be told that in fact I'm probably going to be too busy screaming to help him at all this will be a good time for him to learn self-reliance get the good program is [ __ ] VCR he can goddamn jolly well learn to adjust an oxygen mask fairly simple thing just a little rubber band in the back is all of these not nearly as complicated as say for instance a seatbelt the safety lecture continues in the unlikely event of a water landing [Applause] well what exactly is a water landing am I mistaken what does this sound somewhat similar to crashing into the ocean your seat crushing can be used as a flotation device will imagine that my seat cushion just what I need to float around the North Atlantic for several days clinging to a pillow full of beer farts [Applause]

Channel: Vany GMC

Views: 5,401,648

Keywords: Airline (Industry), humor, george carlin, Comedy, Funny, stand-up comedy, comedy central, Sketch, Comedian, Sketch Comedy (TV Genre), funniest comedian ever, best comedian, best stand-up act, hilarious, best ever, laughter, funniest, Best

Id: vdPy5Ikn7dw

Length: 11min 10sec (670 seconds)

Published: Fri Apr 12 2013