George Carlin - Little Moments

now I'd like to talk about a few things that bring us together okay things that emphasize our similarities instead of our differences which is all you ever hear about in this countries are differences it's all I ever talk about politicians and the media always pushing the things that separate us things that make us different that's the way the ruling class operates in any society they divide the rest of the people they keep the lower in the middle classes fighting with each other so that they the rich can run off with all the [ __ ] money fairly simple thing fairly simple thing happens to work anything that's different about us you know that's what they're pushing at you racial differences religious ethnic national backgrounds jobs income education social status sexuality anything they can do to keep us fighting with each other so that they can keep going to the bank you know how I described the economic and social classes in this country the upper class keeps all of the money pays none of the taxes the middle class pays all of the taxes does all of the world the poor are there just to scare the [ __ ] out of the middle class keep them showing up at those jobs so in the midst of stirring up the [ __ ] myself a little bit from time to time which I enjoy I do like knowing I can always come back to those little things that make us all the same little moments we share universal moments things that are so important to us we hardly ever mention them to each other Jevon look at your watch and then you don't know what time it is she look again and you still don't know the time we look at third time and somebody says what time is it you say I don't know you ever notice how sometimes all day Wednesday you keep thinking it's Thursday and it happens over and over all day long and then the next day you're alright again you ever find yourself standing in one of the rooms in your house you can't remember why you went in there my two words float across your mind Alzheimer's disease you ever been talking to yourself and somebody comes in the room and you have to make believe you were singing and you hope to god the other person really believes there's a song called what does she think I am some kind of putz little experiences we've all had you ever been sitting in a railroad train in a station and there's another train sitting right next to you and one of them starts to move and you can't tell which one it is how about when you're out on a small boat on a windy day you ever been out on a little boat windy day rough waters rocking back and forth trying to keep your balance in a little boat you get back into the shore and you get on the dock and you could swear there was something inside of you that was still out there never try to pick up a suitcase you thought was full but it wasn't for just a split second you feel really strong how about looking through a chain-link fence you ever notice if you're just the right distance from a chain-link fence sometimes it seems to go what is that how do they do that you ever try to tell somebody to have a little bit of dirt on their face you can never get him to rub the right spot can you shave down a little bit of dirt right here they always go where here can you just want to slap the past did you take them all right near your eye you ever notice how awful your face looks in a mirror in a restroom that has fluorescent lights every cuts great scratch scars get bruised boiled bump pimples if worn welt and abscess you've had since birth all seem to come back at the same time and all you can think of is I gotta get the [ __ ] out of here before they think I really look like this this is not my real face do you ever notice when you're walking with your arm around your date sometimes one of you has to change the way you're walking men and women don't walk the same one of them has to change either the man has to walk like this well the woman has to walk like this show me how I how about when you're walking up a flight of stairs and you think there's one more step can you go and then you have to kind of keep doing that you know so all the other people will think it's something you do all the time I do this all the time it's the third stage of syphilis same thing happens when you're going down the stairs don't you you could swear there was one more step oh [ __ ] my hips are in my chest when you drink grapefruit juice in the morning do you go I do too why do we drink it it's like ice cream throat you know when you've been eating ice cream real fast and you get that frozen spot on the back of your throat and it's nothing you can do about it cuz you can't reach it to rub it you just have to kind of wait for it to go away and it does then what do you do eat more ice cream what are we [ __ ] stupid you ever wake up in the late afternoon sorry you ever go to sleep in the late afternoon wake up after dark and you don't know what goddamn day it is and you think maybe it's yesterday how about when you're lying with your head on the pillow Shiva notice when you have your head on the pillow if you close the bottom eye the pillow is down there then if you switch eyes the pillow moves holy [ __ ] Dave look at this the mystery of the moving pillow I think it's related to the chain-link fence mystery listen do you ever have to sneeze while you're taking a piss it's frightening isn't it it's frightening cuz actually you can't do it it's physically impossible to sneeze while pissing your brain will let it happen your brain says stop passing we're going to sneeze now cuz your brain knows you might blow your [ __ ] out and wind up having to paint the entire apartment something else we have in common flying on the airlines flying on the airlines and listening to the airline's announcements and trying to pretend to ourselves that that's the way the English language ought to be spoken doesn't sound that way to me whole thing starts when you get to the gate first announcement we would like to begin the boarding process extra word process not necessary boarding is enough we'd like to begin the boarding simple tells the story people add extra words when they want things to sound more important than they really are boarding process sounds important it isn't just a bunch of people getting on an airplane people like to sound important weather men on television talk about shower activity sounds more important than showers I haven't heard one guy on CNN talked about a rain event swear to God he said Louisiana's expecting a rain event I thought holy [ __ ] I hope I can get tickets to that emergency situation news people like to say police have responded to an emergency situation no they haven't they've responded to an emergency we know it's a situation everything is a situation anyway as part of this boarding process they say we would like to pre-board what exactly is that what does it mean to pre-board to get on before you get on that's another complaint of mine too much use of this prefix pre it's all over the language now pre this pre that place the turkey in a preheated oven it's ridiculous there are only two states of oven can possibly exist in he hit or unheated preheated as a meaningless [ __ ] term it's like pre-recorded this program was pre-recorded one of caution was pre-recorded we're now she's gonna record it afterwards that's the whole principle of recording to do it beforehand otherwise it doesn't really work does it prequalify pre-plan pre-screen what i tell these people pre suck my genital situation

Channel: Shiva Online

Views: 2,982,075

Rating: 4.9209208 out of 5

Keywords: George Carlin, Jammin' in New York, Little Moments, Universal Moments

Id: 8v2SWE15zms

Length: 10min 29sec (629 seconds)

Published: Sat May 10 2014

Reddit Comments

[u/Casperboy68]

I saw Carlin in person when I was 13. It literally changed my life. Not just because people were falling out of their seats laughing but because he made me think. He made me question what humanity said was normal. The same way Vonnegut turned humanism into humor. It was outside the box.

[u/SuprDuprPartyPoopr]

IDK Carlin was pretty bitter towards the end, I'm glad he wasn't able to see the circus come to town....

[u/eyedontknw]

What special is this from?

[u/withmirrors]

I'm sad he didn't live long enough to be in the third "Bill & Ted" movie. I'll miss Rufus.

[u/leonryan]

i feel like Dave Chappelle is covering his role pretty well.

[u/his_purple_majesty]

You ever watch a comedian and find nothing funny and think "Man, there's something really fucking wrong with me?"

[u/ConsciousLiterature]

He was amazing and all but what difference would it make if he was saying this now? He didn't fix anything when he was alive right? I would argue Jon Stewart made a bigger political impact.

[u/-LEGO-]

My favorite Carlin bit

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7W33HRc1A6c