George Carlin on phone, Bluetooth, Answering Machines..

here's something ever here man say stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police there are some more people ought to be smashed across the face repeatedly with a piece of heavy mining equipment these grown men grown men who refer to their fathers as Madadi you know ya hear a lot of this stupid [ __ ] in the south these rebel [ __ ] you know my daddy not dead here my day well you know my daddy used to say my daddy used to say black blubber that brother better better better pet that he did very well was not [ __ ] enlightening my daddy used to say [ __ ] your daddy okay in his wrinkled rustic rural country [ __ ] grow up Billy Joe Carl Bob Danny Frank you're not six anymore more like nine here's another unfortunate pack of mutants who ought to be penciled in for a sudden visit from the Angel of Death these guys these guys who can't tell you about a phone call they had without giving you this [ __ ] the [ __ ] TV and the thumb like they attended mine College studied under Marcel Marceau so I call up you know I'm not talking to her and she [ __ ] hangs up on me so I hang up on her and she calls me back I [ __ ] hang up again I say hey Bruno thanks for the visual aid but we all understand the concept of the telephone you're holding your hand you talked into it excuse me for an hour incoming call oh hey it's for you there's not a bunch of pus headed telephone cretins these self-important techno dicks walk around these hands-free telephone headsets and earpieces mr. self-important doesn't want to be too far from the phone in case Henry Kissinger calls its got the Dalai Lama on line two as a hey spaceman long as your hands are free reach over here and fondle my balls and answering machines starting with these people think it's cute to let their children record the outgoing message and you can't understand a word of it because a kids a [ __ ] imbecile hi my name is Stacy I'm five years old my mum you bet er here's my message Stacy I'm coming over to your house with a big knife and I'm going to kill mommy and daddy then I'm gonna peel off their skin and make a funny hat after that I'm going to take out my huge dingdong and stick it right in your these are the same parents who at Christmas time send you pictures of their children picture you didn't ask for and you don't would but it is fun from the pictures away and I don't even look at the [ __ ] Christmas card who is this Luanne is 12 this year [ __ ] Luanne I I give a [ __ ] how old she is does she have any tits yet send me a picture of Luann's tits then I know I'm gonna have a Happy New Year too then just to compound your holiday pleasure they enclose a family newsletter just what you're hoping for news about people you can barely [ __ ] remember we're so proud of Brad he's been accepted into dental school yeah in the Philippines that before tries [ __ ] Brad and everybody who looks like Brad judging from his picture I think he's jerking off too much keep them away from Louann here's another bunch of genetic defectives have been turned loose on answering machines these guys who cannot resist the urge to put music on their outgoing message you know some guy spends eight dollars in RadioShack and suddenly is a [ __ ] record producer and because he's busy in the basement jacking off his dog hi I have to listen to substandard music that's always rotten music you know it's either new age that pointless meandering zombie noise played by pseudo spiritual lunatics who think wind chimes are a musical instrument or else it's soft rock soft rock that lame ass weak non-threatening suburban white boy junk played by bands like men without testicles oh and folks on these answering machines do me a favor would you please when you record your outgoing message don't bother telling me you can't come to the phone I understand that apparently that's why we have these machines don't tell me leave my name and number somehow I figured that out and if you work in an office never mind that stuff I'm away from my desk if you had to take a [ __ ] say so just say hi this is Mary Louise I had the Mexican jalapeno bean chili dip and I washed it down with a gallon of June I'll be in and out all day Peris more people ought to be strapped into chairs and beaten with hammers people who wear visors let me ask you something what the [ __ ] is the point in wearing half a hat either get a hat or don't no one's interested in the top of your head go back to the store tell them to give you the rest of the Hat they cheated you better still get yourself on the little Jewish hats and sew it to your visor maybe got yourself a full-fledged [ __ ] hat my friend here is some more musical vermin whose mothers we wish had had medical plans that included abortion these singers these singers who think they're so special they only need one name one Alstine jewel tiffany prince what a crock of [ __ ] get a [ __ ] last name would you please I got a nice two-word name for you pretentious [ __ ] oh it's not bad enough the music sucks but with no last name you can't find out where they live to throw a [ __ ] bomb through their window here are some more people who deserve an inoperable tumor at the base of their spines these guys who fly around the world in a [ __ ] balloon what is this 1850 got a [ __ ] airline ticket will you please weather the media going to realize no one's interested in some rich trousers stain who's so bored he's got a flyer on the balloon all day I hope the next guy gets hit by lightning it flies around a little fart circles and lands in a sewage treatment pond and sinks with the rest of the turds mr. lighter-than-air there is another packet jack-offs want to be strangled in front of their children people who pay for inexpensive items with a credit card yeah folks take my word for this Raisinets is not a major purchase get some [ __ ] cash together no one should be paying a bank 18% interest on tic-tacs you're holding up the [ __ ] line to some dorky-looking prick with a fanny pack waiting to be approved for a bag of Cheez doodles I need this like I need an infected scrotum get some [ __ ] money next guy ahead any online pays for Newsweek with a credit card is getting stabbed in the eyes

Channel: Animals Killing People

Views: 3,099,873

Rating: 4.7842183 out of 5

Keywords: George Carlin phone, Bluetooth, Christmas Cards mobile cell

Id: 6Aph-MsNK_E

Length: 9min 48sec (588 seconds)

Published: Sun May 22 2011

Reddit Comments

[u/comedylover2016]

The best that ever lived