George Carlin - Top 20 Moments (Part 4 of 4)

in the first place white people got no business playing the blues ever at all under any circumstances ever ever ever what the [ __ ] do white people have to be blue about Banana Republic ran out of khakis the espresso machine is jammed Hootie and the Blowfish are breaking up [ __ ] white people ought to understand their job is to give people the blues not to get them and certainly not to sing or play them tell you a little secret about the Blues it's not enough to know which notes to play you got to know why they need to be played and another thing I don't think I don't think white people should be trying to dance like blacks stop that stick to your [ __ ] polkas and waltzes and that repulsive country line dancing [ __ ] that you do and be yourself be proud be white be lame and get the [ __ ] off the dance floor here's another slogan you run into all the time god bless america once again respectfully I say to myself what the [ __ ] does that mean god bless america is that a request is that a demand is that a suggestion politicians say it at the end of every speech as if it were some sort of verbal tic that they can't get rid of god bless you and God bless america god bless you and God bless america I guess they figure if they leave it out someone's going to think they're bad Americans let me tell you a little secret about God folks God does not give a flying [ __ ] about America okay he doesn't care he never cared about this country yet he never has he never will he doesn't care about this country any more than he cares about Mongolia Transylvania Pittsburgh the Suez Canal of the North Pole he simply doesn't care okay he doesn't care listen good there are 200 countries in the world now do these people honestly think that God is sitting around picking out his favorites why would it do that why would God have a favorite country and why would it be America out of all the countries because we are the most money because he likes our National Anthem maybe it's because you heard we have 18 delicious flavors of classic rice-a-roni it's delusional thinking it's delusional thinking and Americans are not alone with these sort of delusions military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side America prays for God to destroy our enemies our enemies pray for God to destroy us somebody's going to be disappointed somebody's wasting their [ __ ] time could it be everyone now well a lot of things that happen since the last time I saw you just want to talk a little bit about that war in the Persian Gulf big doings in the Persian Gulf you know my favorite part of that war it's the first war we ever had that was on every channel plus cable and the war got good ratings too didn't it got good ratings well we like war we like war we're a warlike people we like war because we're good at it and you know why we're good at it because we get a lot of practice this country's only 200 years old and already we've had 10 major Wars we average a major war in this country every 20 years so we're good at it and it's a good thing we are we're not very good at anything else anymore can't build a decent car can't make a TV set or a VCR worth the [ __ ] got no steel industry left can't get health care or old people can't educate our young people but we can bomb the [ __ ] out of your country all right especially if your country is full of brown people Oh like that doughy that's our hobby that's our new job in the world bombing brown people Iraq Panama Grenada Libya you got some brown people in your country tell them to watch the [ __ ] out Oh will goddamn bomb them but when's the last white people you can remember that we bomb can you remember the last why can't you remember any white people we've ever bombed the Germans the Germans are the only ones and the only reason for that is because they were trying to cut in on our action they wanted to dominate the world [ __ ] that's our [ __ ] job yeah here's another one of these civic customs swearing on the Bible you understand that chin they tell you to raise your right hand place your left hand on the Bible does this stuff really matter which hand does God really give a [ __ ] about details like this suppose you put your right hand in the Bible you raise your left hand with that count but what God say sorry wrong hand try again and what why does one hand have to be raised what is the magic in this gesture this seems like some sort of a primitive voodoo mojo shtick why not put your left hand on the Bible let your right hand hang down by your side it's more natural or put it in your pocket not what your mother used to say don't put your hands in your pockets does she know something we don't know this hand [ __ ] really important let's get back to the Bible America's favorite national theatrical prop suppose the Bible they hand you to swear on is upside down or backward or both and you swear to tell the truth on an upside-down backward Bible with that count suppose the Bible hands you is an old Bible and half the pages are missing suppose all they have is a Chinese Bible in an American Court or a Braille Bible and you're not blind suppose they hand you an upside down backwards I knees Braille Bible with half the pages missing at what point does all of this stuff just break down and become just a lot of stupid [ __ ] that somebody made up they [ __ ] made it up folks it's make-believe it's make-believe now all right okay let's leave the Bible aside we'll get back to the science fiction reading later the more important question is what is the big deal about swearing to God in the first place why does swearing to God mean you're going to tell the truth wouldn't affect me if they said to me you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God I'd say yeah I'll tell you about as much truth as the people who wrote that [ __ ] Bible how do you like that swearing on the Bible doesn't mean anything it's kids swear to God his kids stuff just yeah when you were a kid if you if you told another kids something he didn't quite believe you so you swear to God I would always say yeah I swear to God even if I was lying why not what's gonna happen if I lied nothing nothing happens if you lie unless you get caught and that's a whole different story sometimes a kid would think he was being slick with me he'd say you swear on your mother's grave I'd say yeah why not first of all my mother was alive she didn't even have a grave second of all even if she was dead what's she gonna do rise from the grave and come and haunt me coming haunt me all because I told a lie to an eight-year-old get [ __ ] real with you now there's one thing you might have noticed I don't complain about politicians everybody complains about politicians everybody says they suck well where do people think these politicians come from they don't fall out of the sky they don't pass through a membrane from another reality they come from American parents in American families American homes American schools American churches American businesses and American universities and they're elected by American citizens this is the best we can do folks this is what we have to offer it's what our system produces garbage in garbage out if you have selfish ignorant citizens if you have selfish ignorant citizens you're going to get selfish ignorant leaders the term limits ain't going to be any good you're just going to wind up with a brand new bunch of selfish ignorant Americans so maybe maybe maybe it's not the politicians who suck maybe something else sucks around here like the public yeah the public sucks there's a nice campaign slogan for somebody the public sucks [ __ ] hope [ __ ] hope because if it's really just the fault of these politicians then where are all the other bright people of conscience where are all the bright honest intelligent Americans ready to step in and save the nation and lead the way we don't have people like that this country everybody's at the mall scratching his ass picking his nose taking his credit card out of his fanny pack and buying a pair of sneakers with lights in them so I have solved this little political dilemma for myself in a very simple way on election day I stay home I don't vote [ __ ] [ __ ] I don't vote two reasons two reasons I don't vote first of all it's meaningless this country was bought and sold and paid for a long time ago they [ __ ] me shuffle around every four years does it mean a [ __ ] thing and secondly I don't vote because I believe if you vote you have no right to complain people like to twist that around I know they say they say well if you don't vote you have no right to complain where's the logic in that if you vote and you elect dishonest incompetent people and they get into office and screw everything up well you are responsible for what they have done you caused the problem you voted them in you have no right to complain I on the other hand who did not vote who did not vote who in fact did not even leave the house on Election Day in no way responsible for what these people have done and have every right to complain as loud as I want about the mess you created that I had nothing to do with so I know that a little later on this year you're going to have another one of those really swell presidential elections that you like so much you'll enjoy yourselves it'll be a lot of fun I'm sure as soon as the election is over your country will improve immediately as for me I'll be home on that day doing essentially the same thing as you the only difference is when I could finish masturbating I'm going to have a little something to show for it folks thank you very much

Channel: Pookie Junk

Views: 943,388

Rating: 4.8658123 out of 5

Keywords: George, Carlin, Top, 20, Best, of, Moments, Part, comedian, standup, standup comedy, comedy, humor, presenter

Id: 3niNKuuGUuE

Length: 11min 39sec (699 seconds)

Published: Fri Sep 24 2010