Crying While Going Down on a Woman - Ethan Simmons-Patterson - This Week at the Comedy Cellar

all right this next performer coming to the stage performs all over new york city very funny man clap everybody for ethan simmons patterson how we doing we're good hey we're doing that we're doing what's going on yeah oh we're all gonna die this is crazy you guys are [ __ ] nasty this is a nasty group of people right here i like it i [ __ ] like it filthy i don't know i was on the train like the other day and i saw a man poop he pooped on the train and then he started doing push-ups over his poop and then he winked at me and for some reason i was like we're gonna be fine man we're gonna be on we're gonna be all right if this dude he did that for me he was like look we're gonna be straight like it was crazy you know i was like should i do it back i don't know it was really weird it was really weird i don't know nobody really knows like what to look out for nobody knows the symptoms like my mom was like trying to tell me how to prevent it she was like yeah you got to wash your hands and then she was like you you know it like affects older people too so you should really get your grandma a call and i was like did you create this disease you know what i mean i was like a mom disease it just sounds weird as hell she's like also you know you should not pee on the toilet seat that's another way not to get it this is that's not how it happened my dad was being weird about it he was also giving me tips he was like yeah wash your hands stay away from people also white people smell like wet dog i was like that's a random that's a random fact that's not i don't have nothing to do with this it's like just the end times you just need to know everything you know it's really weird i don't know i don't know i i don't know it's been funny though cause like basketball and foot and like every sport has been canceled so men have to just live with themselves like i called my friend up i was like what you been up to man he's like i'm just i'm just uh working on me man you know what i was like i was like well that's great he's like i realize i got a lot of daddy issues a lot of a lot of jealousy in my life pause for another second i just want to tell you i love you man i don't say it enough and i was like man this is a great virus this is a good virus we all need this it's like i think it might be gay he's like okay all right let's do it let's do it man everything's happening for a reason i don't know my my mom is like she's become more political too like my mom's become a little bit more political she's like she's gotten into women's rights which i know sounds weird but women's rights has never really been her thing so she's trying to be more active with it she like now that she's in the women's rights we talk about it all the time i called her the other day i was like hey what's going on mom she answered the phone like i wish these old white [ __ ] would tell me i couldn't snatch a baby on my own [ __ ] whoa whoa this is how we answer the phone now mom that's what we're doing like you're in the women's rights and you answering the phone like this now i was like what the [ __ ] is going on like this also this is not what's happening you know what i mean like she thinks it's like oh white dudes in dc telling her like hey sherry you can't have an abortion and her response is you don't know me i kill this little [ __ ] you know i was like just super aggressive i don't know it's weird it's weird that she's into it i don't i was thinking about it though like yeah health care is [ __ ] up we can tell now healthcare is really [ __ ] up especially like women's healthcare but one thing i've always been jealous of women's healthcare is y'all get a vagina doctor y'all got a gynecologist you understand that like we don't have that there's no dude like the same dude that goes in for men that checks our eyes and our ears and our mouth he's about to walk out at the end of the checkup and then we got to be like uh a doc you know like we got to get weird at the end of our like it turns into a [ __ ] train on the subway which is like but look at my dick though you know like it's like and then you see the doctor he's just like nah i didn't go to school for this [ __ ] man like he was like just take a peek just look dog you know he's making up [ __ ] he grabs your balls he's like cough and you're like it's like now blink real fast i don't know man i don't want to do this [ __ ] i don't know it's weird we don't have a dick doctor there's no dick doctors it's crazy there's a doctor for everything no dick doc there's a doctor for feet there's a foot doctor out there there's a dude out there that's like yeah put your foot up right there put your foot up right there he's like you won't put any gloves on doc no no no put that foot right there cat daddy it's like no man i don't know if i do want a dick doctor though that's like that's a specific type of person you know what i mean it's it's definitely not a woman it's a man who's all about getting other dudes dicks hard you know what i mean like he's just like yeah i became a doctor so all my bros can [ __ ] and you're just like no i don't why are you drinking gatorade dude i don't need this but i got it this is too much i was talking about my friends they're all trying to be better people now because of the virus they were trying to be better people beforehand too like they were also trying to get into like more stuff like i'm trying to be a better guy as well like i feel guilty sometimes as a man you know like i was dating a woman when cavanaugh got elected and it was really i felt really bad i was like [ __ ] is [ __ ] up for women out there you know i need to be a good guy and i was like i'm gonna eat her [ __ ] better than she's ever had her [ __ ] eaten tonight you know i was like she deserves that she deserves to come tonight she deserves it so i get down there eating her [ __ ] and then it like hits me it like hit i was like why did you make this vow to yourself you've never been good at eating [ __ ] why did you do this you know and then then i started thinking about it even deeper i was like even if you do eat her [ __ ] better than she's ever had her [ __ ] doesn't change the world she lives in as a woman you know the waiter that hit me while i was between her legs and i started to cry um yeah i started to cry down there and then she looked down she's like oh my god are you crying right now and i was like yeah you know you got it real tough out there it's hard out there for women and then she came harder than she's ever come in her entire life you understand that's what they want man they just want you to cry in their [ __ ] they just want to look down and be like that's right you can't handle my world you little [ __ ] you know like this that's that's how you become an ally i don't know it's it's strange i do i put a lot of pressure on myself to be a good person i don't know my friends i'm also at the age too where all my friends are like they're like well most people are like oh i'm at the age of all my friends are getting married and they're becoming like parents and stuff like that i'm at the age where all my friends are accepting the kids that they had in high school are theirs you know what i mean like it's kind of hard to deny a six-year-old that looks exactly like you he's like all right his face turned out like mine you're right he's mine i'll be a dad i'll be a dad okay okay you know so i'm at that age i can see all my friends become parents for the first time which is cool like my friend he like has a little six-year-old boy and his son he caught his son dressing up and his baby mama's like dressing heels and [ __ ] and i was like i was like that's fine yeah like it's laughable it's like yeah that's fine what's wrong with that he's like i didn't like it and i was like why didn't you like it's nothing wrong with it and he was like just didn't feel right i was like why not he was like he just didn't look fierce and i was like what i was like i wasn't expecting that at all you know what i mean he was like he could be gay could be straight he'd be trans would be whatever he wants but he has to hit his [ __ ] marks you know and i was just like that's that's a lot of pressure to put on a child man that's crazy you know just grows up it's like hey man when did you know you were trans she's like actually i'm not trans i just don't want to disappoint my dad you know it's just like that's a lot dude i don't know it's crazy everybody is trying to be good i love people that are trying to be better it's weird to see my neighborhood try to be better people come from like a rougher neighborhood and like it's it's just strange like i saw a crackhead recycle you know crazy that it like his glass pipe broke right and he was about to throw it in the trash and he was like no no no this is glass and then he put it in the glass container i was like that's insane you know he just looked at me he's like can't smoke crack in the world that doesn't exist he's just like that's gotta love that logic man you're brilliant you're a brilliant dude you're a good dude i don't know [Laughter] neighborhood's changing for the better like i had a friend growing up his name was shake short for shakedown he used to rob people all right we used to rob people when we were younger and now he's going to therapy my guy's in therapy trying to be a better dude and like i called my friends back home i was like is shake still robbing people they're like oh yeah absolutely still around people it's like but now he knows why and you're just like oh that's beautiful you know found purpose in his crimes it's good it's great i don't know it's really good it's good i don't know and like we used to hear like gunfights growing up and when you hear gunfights you already know what they're about like shoes about money or drugs or like some gang [ __ ] but like i went back home recently i heard gunfight hurt pow pow [ __ ] you said you love me and i was like whoa what is happening out there never heard this before you know and then i listened to some more i heard return gunfire pow pow sometimes people just grow apart and i was like whoa oh they really working [ __ ] out out there man this is a good productive gun fight you know i wanted to go out there am i going to be like i got daddy issues what's up pop pow what are we doing what are we doing you know it's great it's a good time i don't know it is it is fun it's fun to see everybody i don't think everybody should be woke though does that make sense yeah i mean i don't think everybody should be well i think you should try to be your best self but you don't have to be woke you understand like have you guys seen these woke cops have you heard of woke cops there's cops that'll be like oh i'll go play basketball with a black kid i don't care you know what i mean i won't even call no fouls they deserve it you know like they're trying to like over correct for the bad cops that there are out there i don't like world cops i hate world cops a lot like i was crossing a park in the summer and i like ran into this cop and he pulled his gun out on me and he was like hey he's like where you going i was like i know it's late my friend emily is across the park she's waiting for me and she knows i'm coming i'm not trying to do anything bad and then he was like your friend emily she's just a friend and i was like yeah she's just a friend i like her a little bit more than that but like i don't want to ruin the relationship he's holding the gun he's like yeah i know how that is you know i'm liking it he's like you ever think about me i don't know make it moving i was like i thought about it but you know it doesn't matter i just get to a point like wait what you can't like what just shoot me man just i'm not trying to i'll try to do this with you right now like it's crazy puts a gun in the hose like we go over there we talked to her together you know she's like no no man i don't i don't want cops that care like that's a lot of pressure somebody's like hey i'ma call the police on you is like please don't call the police on me man please i'm not trying to see officer o'malley come down here and be disappointed in me again you know like this it's a lot of pressure i don't know it's crazy i think i got the light i got the light yeah um let me get out of here on this it has nothing to do with anything i've said but hopefully it warms your heart because i mean this is a fun time to talk to homeless people man it's a very fun time to talk to homeless people they don't give a [ __ ] and they kind of make you be like yeah yeah we're living life we're doing it dawg coughing your hand and slapping my hand like it's crazy like we high-fived you don't know where i've been but it was fun right you enjoyed it i don't know like i met this homeless dude he walked up to me he was like hey brother you got any sandwiches and i i i did the tap i was like no dog i'm all out of sandwiches and ain't that the coolest [ __ ] i've ever seen anybody do he just slid back and he was like that's cool man i got my own sandwich and i was like this is great you guys have been flying my name's either

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 423,959

Keywords: Ethan Simmons-Patterson, This Week at the Comedy Cellar, Comedy Cellar, Ethan Simmons-Patterson comedian, Ethan Simmons-Patterson stand up, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedians, comedian, coronavirus, covid-19, mom, dad, sports, politics, abortion, gynecologist, dick doctor, doctor, penis, sex, oral sex, kids, children, recycling, therapy, woke, cops, guns, homeless, funny video, comedy videos, funny, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, humor, best comedy, best stand up

Id: kOI2N5G2HKE

Length: 11min 39sec (699 seconds)

Published: Fri Jul 17 2020