I have the screen up here. I have some interesting news, I'm one of the few comedians who works in PowerPoint. (audience laughing) If you think I'm kidding, I'm not, I actually have some bad news. That's me right there, but this actually, this is not a comedy show, you've been lured here, actually want to talk to you about a timeshare here at the Dry Bar. (audience laughing) You could own your seat one week a year! I'm just kidding, I wouldn't really do that, but I used to be an engineer. Any engineers in the crowd? (audience cheers) That was so pathetic, and yet so perfect for engineers, (audience laughing) so, because I'm an engineer, I put my act on PowerPoint. That's how engineers communicate and that was me when I was an engineer, I worked in Silicon Valley, San Jose. Yeah, people were actually getting, "Oh my God, that's wrong." This is how big a nerd I was, my pants stopped right about here. (audience laughing) If your pants— I didn't even wear shirts. Turtleneck pants, that's what I wore. (audience laughing) I was tucking my nipples in, that's not right. (audience laughing) I had to undo my fly to shake hands with people. That's how high my pants were. (audience laughing) I feel this is a nerdy crowd, I do and by the way, I am a nerd, I am not a geek. I'm a nerd, not a geek and what's the difference, you say, between a nerd and a geek? I actually have a Venn diagram to show you. (audience laughing) I have lots of graphs and charts, be prepared. (audience laughing) It takes three things to be a nerd. You have to be smart, socially awkward, and obsessed. All three of those things. You're just laughing at the chart, sir. (audience laughing) Clearly he's in marketing. (audience laughing) Smart, socially awkward, and obsessed, you're a nerd. Geeks, on the other hand, tend to be just smart and obsessed. They're just Star Trek geeks, comic book geeks, they go to conventions, they go to public events, not nerds. I'm not at a convention unless I'm working IT support, that's the only reason I'm there. (audience laughing) Up here, if you're smart and socially awkward, you're a dork (audience laughing) and we have all spent time in the dork region (audience laughing) and if you're socially awkward and obsessed you're a stalker, see how that works? (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I love to watch people try to figure out where they are on my chart. (audience laughing) "I think I'm a dork stalker!" (audience laughing) So what does it mean to be a nerd? 'Cause I am a proud nerd. There's couple of things you can tell, first of all, when it comes to formal wear, if you're a nerd, we love cargo pants. Yeah, people are with me. I got my cargo pants on right now, baby. I got pockets everywhere. I love cargo, I have cargo underwear on, that's how much I love cargo pants (audience laughing) and by the way, really big nerds, really big nerds, they're in cargo shorts. (audience laughing) People are pointing at each other, "Oh yeah, Doug wears "the cargo shorts." (audience laughing) And I defend cargo pants, I do. I think they're superior. My wife is horrified that I wear cargo pants. I did a cargo pant analysis, okay? Here's a regular pair of pants. That much is functional, that—totally useless part of the pant. There is noth— That right there, that is a great pair of pants. Look at that. (audience laughing) That's a great pair of pants. Look at that. You could—you could carry your entire life in those pants. You could keep an extra pair of pants in a pocket of your pants. You're prepared for anything. What else does it mean to be a nerd? We love charts. I love charts. I love—I collect charts and I like a chart that really sums things up, in like one visual experience. The whole thing in one chart, for example, here's what's going to happen if you're making microwave popcorn. Okay, here's the number of edible pieces here, on the y-axis and on the x-axis is the time. You're at one minute, two minutes. No pieces have popped, right? Very quiet, nothing happening in the microwave. At some point above two minutes, you don't know exactly where, all pieces are popped, all pieces are burnt. (audience laughing) That happens every time, right? Quiet, quiet— pfff—they're all popped. The bag is on fire, the smoke alarm is blaring, and your house will stink for at least a week. (audience laughing) That is the experience and that window of edible popcorn, that is one nanosecond. (audience laughing) You do not stand a chance. Some of my charts, I don't know why they're true, I just know from experience that this is what happens. This is my gym, the locker room of my gym. I walk in, I am that blue dot right there. I start to get changed. Pretty much the minute I get all my clothes off, 12 guys walk in and this is where their lockers are. (audience laughing) Does that not happen every single time? (audience laughing) Huge empty locker room, I'm surrounded by naked guys within seconds. (audience laughing) Defies probability, that defies probability and speaking of probability, basic probability says if you flip a quarter a thousand times, it'll land heads 500 times and tails 500 times. When in the standard deviation, that's what will happen, I guarantee it and that will hold true for a quarter, but not everything. When my son was little, he loved jelly bread. (audience laughing) If you drop a piece of jelly bread a thousand times, and parents know, you give your kid a piece of jelly bread, it hits the floor, it's not going to land jelly side up. No, that's not as messy. The messy way, 800 times out of 1000. You get a break 200 times out of 1000, right? Right, parents, right? And that's on a kitchen floor, right? If you have a nice rug, forget it. You don't stand a chance. (audience laughing) I've seen a piece of jelly bread get an inch above a nice carpet, hover, and then flip the other way. (audience laughing) It's a law of physics, jelly bread physics. (audience laughing) There are some things I can't prove, I just believe them to be true. I believe there is only one ultrasound and they give the same photo to every single person. (audience applauding) I'm pretty sure. I've never seen one that didn't look like— everybody's like, "Hey, that's you! That's my son!" They all look the same. Sometimes I walk by a joke. I walked by this sign. Now that's a good sign. It's a good sign. It's not a great sign. I immediately thought of a better sign. Wanna see a better sign? That is a better sign. (audience laughing) If you didn't see the difference I'll show it to you again. Good sign. Far superior sign (audience laughing) and if you didn't see a difference, have your prescription checked right now! See, that sign's better, 'cause people walking by are gonna want to come in, you're going to have— people are going to go, "Oh no! I think I need glasses!" (audience laughing) Sometimes I find charts. Yeah, I found this chart. They took a survey. They said, "What's the first thing "you do when you get "out of bed in the morning?" And this year they said 34% of people read email, 23% check weather, 20% post to social media, 17% read news, 6% check markets. Life has changed so much just from 25 years ago. Let's go back to 1995. If you asked the same question, What is the first thing you do when you get out of bed in the morning? 97% of people would say, "I pee." (audience laughing) Remember the good old days, when we had time to pee in the morning? Now we have all kinds of things to do! By the way, 3% of people would say, I changed the sheets because I peed in them, that was the other option. (audience laughing) Is that progress? I don't think that's progress. (audience laughing) What else do you need to be a nerd? Big data, we live by big data. I love statistics, big data analytics, whatever it is, but here's the thing, when it comes to big data, there's a lot of bad data out there, 'cause statistics can be manipulated. To show you how you can manipulate statistics, these are actual, true statistics. Watch what I do with them. These are actually true. It turns out in China, there's about 1.4 billion people in China, right? 1.4. There are 7 billion people on Earth. Therefore, statistically, it cannot be argued, one out of every five babies born on Earth are in fact Chinese, so you could say, statistically, if you've got four kids, you're expecting a fifth, it will be Chinese, (audience laughing) so don't be surprised, that's all I'm saying. Don't be surprised. (audience laughing) I don't have a problem with it. Usually, fifth kid's going to be Chinese, just deal with it, (audience laughing) so when you hear a statistic, always ask about the other side of a statistic. Ask, you know—look at it from a different perspective. 44% of marriages end in divorce. 44. Now, that's a scary number. That's scary. When you first get married, you're like, oh my God, but here's the thing, it's not so scary when you look at it from a different perspective. If 44% of marriages end in divorce, you know what that means? 56% of marriages end in death. (audience laughing) Those are the two ways that marriages end, folks. (audience laughing) Apparently this is just occurring to some of the married people out there. Just enjoy being married, 'cause it's not pretty when it ends, trust me. (audience laughing) Perspective is important. Here's another one 65% of Americans are overweight for their height, but maybe, just maybe, 65% of Americans are just not tall enough for their weight. (audience cheers) I am not 20 pounds overweight, I'm three inches too short, darn it. I'm going to Height Watchers. (audience laughing) Insurance companies will tell you, this is true, 95% of all car accidents occur within one mile of your home. That is true and even in the brightest of crowds, there's always a couple of people thinking, "Ooh, I got to move!" (audience laughing) No, that's not going to help. Trust me, that is not going to help, but if you believe that— therefore, if you believe that, the safest thing to do is park one mile from your home and walk the rest of the way. (audience laughing) Really, do that, please do that. This one's amazing. I brought it as a joke, but I actually think it's a good idea, watch this. When the lottery a couple years ago, hit $1.6 billion, 146 million people bought tickets. 146, remember that number. 146 million people bought tickets. In the 2016 presidential election, 136 million people voted. 10 million less than played the lottery. Yeah, so you know what? We want more people who vote, every election, we should pick one voter to win $1.6 billion dollars. (audience cheers) Look at that, now we're all, "I can't wait to vote! "Let's go vote! "We've been waiting "in line for hours," Who you voting for? "I don't care. Give me a quick pick, "I just gotta get in." (audience laughing) This is a true survey, they asked women I did not make this up, 'cause I read this and immediately thought what I'm about to share. 33% of women polled said they have dated an ugly guy just because he was funny, which I think is amazing. Ladies, you use a criteria. I've never heard a man ever say, "Well she's not very pretty, "but she's funny, "I want to go out with her." Doesn't happen, so thank you ladies for being so much less shallow than men, that's what I'm saying, so, I thought that was great until I realized, hold on—I'm married. You know what that really means? That means there's a one in three chance, my wife thinks I'm ugly. (audience laughing) I'm like, honey, am I good looking? "You're funny." Shut up! (audience laughing) And then finally I hear this one on the radio all the time. "1 out of 10 people "suffer from hemorrhoids." 1 out of 10 people suffer from hemorrhoids. Does that mean that 9 out of 10 people actually enjoy hemorrhoids? (audience laughing) Ooh, the itching and burning, ooh! It's that time of year they're back, ooh! Let's go dancing I can't sit down anyway, come on! (audience laughing) The question I always get more than anything, is how does somebody go from engineer to comedian? That's not your typical career path. I realize I used Venn diagrams earlier, but a Venn diagram's a perfect way to explain how this happened, so here's what happened in my career choice. I was in high school, I was good at two things. I had math skills and I was good at problem solving and when you're good at those two things, no guidance counselor says, "You sir, should be a comedian." They would get fired, so they said I should become an engineer, so that's what I did, I got my engineering degree, right? Over here, if you've got people skills, you're good with people and you're good at problem solving, you're probably going into management, right? Your MBA. Makes perfect sense. Over here, if you got OCD, everything has to be exactly right, and you have math skills, you're an accountant is what you are. (audience laughing) You can't solve any problems, but you can identify them. That's how that works. (audience laughing) That's what accountants do, trust me. They're like, "This is not adding up, you— "this is not good. "I am so glad I am not you." (audience laughing) Over here, if you're into drinking and you have people skills, well, join our salesforce! (audience laughing) "Welcome aboard." Over here, if you're heartless and you have OCD, you're in human resources. (audience laughing) Don't worry, they're not here (audience laughing) and if you're heartless and into drinking, you're a lawyer is what you are (audience laughing) and if you're all those things, you are in fact, a comedian. (audience applauding) I don't think a Venn diagram has ever gotten applause before. That was a new one for me, so this last thing I'm going to present, this is my kind of my research study. When I first got married, you know, it was hard for me. I was an engineer. What did I do? I solve problems all day. I solve problems and I couldn't stop. I'd come home from work and my wife would give me a problem and I'd solve it, and it turns out to not be a skill necessary in marriage. One time she said, "I feel fat," I said, reduce your caloric intake, increase your activity. (audience laughing) That is not the correct answer. The correct answer is, "You're pretty." (audience laughing) So I wrote that down. I got better at it. I learned, I started collecting data, 'cause that's what engineers do and I put it together, I called it the Engineer's Guide to Life, and your results may vary, by the way. Do your own studies, but a lot of truth came out of the data. The first one I plotted, and not a lot of guys do this. I plotted the chances of me winning an argument versus time and three distinct periods popped out of the data. When we were first dating, I had a 50-50 shot in any argument. I had no inkling at the time that those were the glory days. (audience laughing) That is the best I would ever do, 'cause once we got engaged, it immediately dropped to 1 in 4 and then since I've been married, I am O for 963. (audience laughing) I actually thought I won one argument, we argued about who won that argument, and I lost the argument about who won the argument, but I think I won one (audience laughing) so why, my question was, why am I losing so many arguments? So I did what any good engineer would do. I flowcharted an actual argument we had. (audience laughing) This is a true story. When my son was little, I had a mobile of all the planets that I was going to hang from the ceiling of his room, right? So I hung the Sun and Mercury and Venus and the Earth and Mars, and I went to hang Pluto, 'cause it was in the box, and I went, oh wait, Pluto's not a planet, I'm not going to hang it and my wife said, "Yes it is, Pluto's a planet, "we learned that in school. "It's the ninth planet, "it's the one all the way out there. "It's the ninth planet." No, actually it's been downgraded as a dwarf planet. It's not a planet. She goes—this is where the argument started. Watch where it goes! It's stunning, so she says Pluto is a planet, I say no, she says, "Are you saying I'm dumb?" (audience laughing) That is what we call "a trap". (audience laughing) If I say no, or yes, that leads to divorce. I'm not an idiot, I don't say that. I say, no, I'm a good husband. She says, "I don't like the way you argue, "you're using science "and logic and math. "You are saying I'm dumb!" Again, if I say yes, that leads to divorce, so I say no, she goes, "Why don't you respect me? "You don't even care "about my feelings." This is a trap in the other direction. Right? 'Cause if I say, no, I don't care about your feelings, that leads to divorce, so then I said yes, she goes, "Well do you want to sleep "on the couch?" and well, frankly, that's not really an option, so in our house, Pluto is officially a planet. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) In fact it is my favorite planet now, by the way. (audience laughing) I redid the mobile. Pluto is now the center of the universe. All the other planets revolve around Pluto. (audience laughing) It's a great planet, so this will be the nerdiest thing I do, and I hope you hang in there, it gets pretty nerdy, but I was trying to logically figure out how to have a happy marriage, so I went back to when I designed computers, this is to be called logic map and you design a computer, the way it thinks is using AND gates and OR gates, it's called Boolean logic. Like, for there's an AND gate, which says there's two inputs, A and B and when both inputs are true, the output's true. A and B both have to be true, so if either input is false, the output is false, right? Then there's an OR gate, says if A or B is true, the output's true. Right? So if either one's true, the output's true and only when they're both false is the output false. How does this get funny? Please get to it quickly. (audience laughing) I figured out the happiness logic map. Okay, here we go. The happy— there's two inputs, me, and my wife, Laura. Don and Laura. We'll start with the most easy case. Don is wrong, and Laura is right. The ladies are saying it, Laura is right. I have no problem there. She's right? It's right. This is where it gets complicated. If we're both right, Laura's right and again, I have no problem with that, 'cause she's right, so, okay, okay, I'll give it to her, that's fine. Here's where it really gets messy. If I'm right and she's wrong, doesn't happen often, now and then, doesn't matter, I would rather be happy than right, so Laura's right and then the hardest one, if we're both wrong, Don is wrong. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) If you're single, get out your phone, take a picture of this right now. (audience laughing) This took me 20 years to figure out. I'm sharing it with you now. Now a lot of times when I got in trouble or I made my wife upset, it's 'cause I was trying to help. I was watching her vacuum one day and clearly she did not have a plan. (audience laughing) She went that way, and that way, she went over the same spot like seven times (audience laughing) and as I sat there on the couch, which might've been the problem now that I think about it. (audience laughing) I said, you know, honey, there's a more efficient way to vacuum. If you went around the room like a Zamboni at an ice rink, you wouldn't go over the same spot every time, and it would be more efficient, and you'd have more free time. I'm trying to help you out, it's more efficient. She said, "You know Don, "that is more efficient. "Wanna know why? "'Cause you're gonna be "doing it from now on." (audience laughing) And I do the vacuuming and I think I do it better. I think I won that argument, (audience laughing) but I'm not allowed to say it, so there you go. Now my wife and I, you know opposites attract. It's amazing, she's intuitive and spontaneous, I'm logical and structured and with financial, it's the same way. Almost every couple, one person's a saver, one person's a spender. In our relationship, I'm the saver, and my wife is a spender, and we're both very good at what we do, (audience laughing) so we recently got, like, a distant relative died and left us $6,000 out of the blue, so we each budgeted it, and I said to my wife, Here's how I'd like to spend it. I'm a guy, but I want to spend, so I want to get a QLED TV, 85 inch, big TV, right? And that's $4799 and then I'm going to save the rest, $1,201. That was my plan. She looked at this, and amazing to me, she goes, "That's all you're going to save?" And I'm like, what do you mean? She goes, "I got a much "better plan than that," I went, I got excited, I'm like, we're gonna save more? Tell me more! She goes, "Well, first of all, "forget about your TV for now. "What we really need is a new couch, "a new coffee table, and a new rug, "'cause the other ones are "almost five years old, "they're out of style." I'm like, ugh! She goes, "I can get the couch for $2,900, "I can get the coffee table, $999, "and the rug for $1999." And I quickly added it in my head and I said, Well, that's $5997. I added it in my head and that's only $3 in savings. She goes, "What are you talking about? "It's way more savings than that." Said how do you figure it? She goes, "Well, first of all, "that's the sale price. "The actual price of the couch, "which is $4499, I save $1500. "The coffee table, that was $1699, "I saved another $700 there. "The rug I got for—look at it, "$2,000 off of the rug "for a total savings of $4,200!" (audience laughing) Wait, she went on, "I'm now going to take that $4,200 "that I just saved, "buy that television, which I found "on sale, saving another $800 "for a total savings of $5,000." (audience laughing) (audience laughing) I'm like, honey, you are so hot right now! (audience laughing) How did you do that? One thing she's upset with me, is I won't go shopping with her anymore. I can't, I'm older, and I can't keep up, I get cramps, I get weak and she goes, "Well you just don't want "to hang out with me." I said, no, I just, I don't shop like you. She goes, "What are you talking about?" I go, when I shop, I don't shop the same way. She goes, "Well, how do you shop?" I said, I'll show you. I got a GPS tracking device. Here's how I shop, and then I tracked her, so I need a pair of pants, here's how I shop. Here's how Don shops. I walk in the mall, take a left, take a right, buy some pants, take a left, take a right and go home. (audience laughing) It takes me six minutes and costs me $33. I am done shopping for 2020. I got my cargo pants, I'm ready to go. (audience laughing) Same thing. Laura needs to go shopping. She needs a pair of pants. Here's how Laura does it. she walks in the mall, there she is right there. (audience laughing) Three hours, 26 minutes, $876, (audience laughing) so my wife's telling me do this pitch, she goes, you're not asking yourself the right question, mister. Ask yourself, who's the more efficient shopper, Mr. Smarty Cargo Pants. Let's do the analysis. You, Don, you spent $33 in six minutes. That's a cost per minute of $5.50 per minute. I, Laura, spent $876 in 206 minutes. That's $4.25, I kicked your butt. (audience laughing) I love it when you talk nerdy to me, honey. Talk nerdy to me! (audience laughing) And then finally, there's a lot of keys to a happy marriage. This, I believe is one of the many keys, but if you can get this to happen, it's really going to be a good one. Two things need to line up, your spouse's looks here, and your vision over there, need to decay at exactly the same rate. (audience laughing) That is a beautiful thing. Come on. Come on! (audience applauding) You'll both look the same to each other your whole lives! You can always be like, I can look right at my wife and say, Honey, you're as beautiful as the day I met ya. I'm sorry, you're over there? You're as beautiful as the day I met ya. (audience laughing) That's it for me, you guys have been so much fun. Thank you so much! (audience cheers) Thank you! (audience cheers)
reaaaally? When?!