- A major system is
zipping across the region. Outside temp right now, eight degrees, but it feels like 20 below. Jamie. - Well, stay off the
roads if you can, folks. Lots of reports of black ice. - Ooh. You gotta watch out
for that dangerous black ice. It's transparent and sneaky.
Hard to see black guy. - That's right, Marcy. Keep your loved ones safe, and warn them to stay
off the street tonight because of menacing,
life-robbing black, black ice. - Isaac. (upbeat beatboxing) - Y'all, for real though, this right here? - Yeah. - This goes out to all
our fallen homies, yo. Come on.
- Hey, yo. Real talk. - All right. (liquor splattering) - I mean, it just seems like a waste, right? Does that make me a dick? Okay. I'm a dick. Okay. I'm a dick.
- Come on, man. - Let's go.
- I'm a big ol' dick. - Okay, here... For our homies. (liquor spatters) - Come on, man!
- What you doin'? - Okay, okay!
- It's a damn beer, man. - Okay. Fine, fine. Glug, glug, glug. Glug, glug, glug. - No.
- Come on, man! - Hey man, you got your thumb in there. - Okay, okay. - You need to respect our homies! - Oh, okay. For the homies. - What? (beep) trash beer? - What? Come on. Hey, beer is beer! Geez, I cannot win on this! - What? - Fine. I'm not on board
with this, but I'll do it. (liquor splattering) - Hey, what you doin'? What you doin'?
- Oh, really? That don't count? - Oh, hey, put that... That's not... oh, man. - Ah. It's more of a
symbol than a gesture. Somebody back me up on this. Right? - Hey, man.
- Pour it out. - That's disrespectful right there. You just do it. - Fine, fine. I'll pour it out. I'll waste the damn beer then. You know, I'm just not a waster, you know? I save everything. Jamal knows. If he eat a piece of pizza
and don't eat the crust, I eat the crust. If we do a drive-by shooting, I will go back for the shell casings. Not to hide the evidence, but because you can recycle those. They have value, man. Just like this beer. I can't waste nothing, y'all. It's physically impossible
for me to waste this. I can't do it. Jamal, can you pour it out for me? (liquor splatters) Oh, man. Come on, man! - I mean, it's not gonna bring 'em back. - Stupid. - It's not gonna bring em back. (he gargles) - I don't care. - You're gonna see the situation, - I don't care. - And I'm trying to help people out. - Not over here.
- No. No. Okay. You know what, Jacquelin? - I don't know. What? - You need to think
about yourself sometimes before you start insinuating yourself in other people's business. - Well, you know what DeNice? I'm going to insinuate myself
whenever and wherever I please 'cause it's a free country, bitch. (crowd oohs) - Uh-uh.
- Uh-huh. - Uh-uh.
- Uh-huh. - Uh-uh. Okay, you know what? - Oh, we doing this? Okay, so we going do here babe, okay. So, we doin' this. - Yes, we are about to fight now. - Bring it on then, bitch. Let's go. - I ain't even playing. 'Cause you know what? Step to me, then. - I wish you would step up.
- Step to me. No, I would love for you to step to me. - Right now, bitch.
- I really would. - Bitch, you just talking. - I don't even care.
- That's the problem. 'Cause you talkin' now.
- No more. - And that's all you're doing. - Call me a bitch again. - Oh, yeah? Okay.
- Call me a bitch again. - No. See what happens.
- Your wish is granted. Oh, see what happens?
- See what happens. I would like to see what happens. I would love to see what happens. - Oh, you do? - Oh, absolutely. So why don't you come
and bring it then, bitch. (crowd oohing) - See, no, you are riding my last nerve, and I ain't even playing no more. I am not even playing no more. - Oh, it's on? Then
let's do something, okay? You wanna go? (girdle rustling) (crowd oohing) Do somethin', bitch.
- Uh-uh. - Ha. There we go. Let's do something. - Uh-uh. - Eh-heh. - Uh-uh.
- It's ah-hah. - It's ah-hah.
- Uh-uh. Let's do something, bitch. (crowd oohs)
- What? (zipper rattling)
(dramatic music) (hands smack) - [Kids] We told you not
to mess with us, bitch! - Y'all just saw that bitch turn into two little girls, right? - Well, all right, friends. The first fight of the evening will feature one of my slaves versus one of the slaves
of my distinguished guest, Mr. Jacob Dixon. - You know Robert, I hope
you're as gracious a loser as you are a host. (both laugh) - All right. Enough talk. (fingers snap) - (sighs) Now, fight you devils! Fight to the death! (Jacob laughs)
(dramatic rhythmic music) (hands smacking) - Hey.
- Hey. - Um, question.
- Mm-hmm. - (chuckles) How do we get
out of this thing alive? - It's really simple. Just let me pretend to kill you. - Hmm. Maybe it just makes more sense if I pretend to kill you. - Yeah. I just, I wanna
make it believable, so. - Well, that's what I was going for too. (walking stick booms) - What the blazes is going on over there in that endless clench? Tear him apart! - Okay.
- Aw. Oh, you get- (both grunting) Just die from this.
- From this? - Just, you know what? Just, something doesn't feel right. So if I can just, if I just, let me, go with me here. - Oh.
(both growl) - That was it. That was it. This feels much more real, so. - Really? What? Why? - Sorry, what do you mean, why? - Fight, by god! - I'm getting frustrated now. - Dammit. Kill! (halfhearted struggling) - No, not a thing. Not a thing. - I think I can get, mm, I'm gonna get 'em. I got 'em. - Let get you though.
- Just lemme get you though. - No, let me get you. Let me get you.
- It was my idea. So, can I do it first? Let me get you.
- Let me get you, though. Just like a sec.
- Let me get you. - Can you just let me get
you for a second, please? - Let me get you.
- I'll let you. - Stop fighting like
sissies, and kill each other! - Oh, okay.
(both growling) - So, just check this out. Alright, we'll back up, And you run at me real fast. Just do a bunch of spins
and kicks and flourishes. And I'll just knock you out one punch, and then you're dead. - No. Wait, wait.
- What? - I'm sorry. So you can
look cool? No, thank you. - If someone doesn't die soon, I will kill you both. - Thank you. (he growls)
(fist thumps) (he moans) That's my boy. (he growls)
(fist thumps) (he moans) (he growls)
(fist thumps) (he growls) - You are not getting
stronger from my punches. - Yes I am, though! - Come here. - Listen, listen. Let's be fair, okay? We both slam into each
other, and we both die. Fair? - That's fair. (both growling) One!
- This'll be good. Two! - [Both] Three! (men's chests thud)
(men grunt) - What?
- Oh, you son of a bitch. - What?
- You were never gonna fall. - You didn't even try to fall. - What the hell?
- Oh. - You were never- - It's the fakest thing is your- (hands smacking) No, don't like that. - No, don't hit me.
- Oh, what's that? - [Slave Owner] What in
tarnation are you two doing? (men cross arguing)
- You got my balls. - Hey, everybody. War's over. Slavery is abolished. Sorry. - We'll call it a draw.
- Done. - Good for you though, huh? - Thank you? - Let's go. - Well wait, before you, no, no, no, no, no, no. Hold up, hold up. - Just if we may, if I may, who do you think would've won the fight? - Yeah, between the two of us? - You will be in room 237,
and you have free wifi there. Also, from 6:00 a.m. to
10:00 a.m. every morning, there's a free continental breakfast. - Mmm. Continental breakfast. - Yes. From 6:00 a.m. to 10:00 a.m. - So, it's continental then? - Mm-hmm. - Very good. - Hey, garcon, ah-hah, a one admission for
the continental breakfast. - You can just help yourself, sir. - Mm, interesting. European style. (chuckles) (magical orchestral music) (sighs) When in Rome. (cereal clatters) Hmm. The forbidden fruit. (cereal crunches) (chuckles) Well, aren't you a tiny plum? Well, la dee dah. (chuckles) Paper and everything. And who are you, my little friend? Not a spoon, not a fork,
but something in between. A fo-poon. (chuckles) What will you think of next, Germany? Ah, (chuckles) all of the European
countries lay before me. Where should I fly to first? (chuckles) Ah.
(classical music) The pit of the donut. Mm. Thank you, Turkey. Mm, buckle up. Let's see
where we shall go next. Ah, the Danish. (chuckles)
Clearly from Brussels. Mm, mm, mm, mm! Hello, Greece. Where the
yogurt flows like water. (yogurt slurping) Mm, yes. Like Go-Gurt,
but to stay. (chuckles) Mm. Mm! So good! Mm, pulling into Spain. (banana crunches) Mm, baked to perfection. Can you believe this? It all comes with the
room. Mm-hmm, hm, hm, hm! (swelling orchestral music) Mm! Mm! Oh! Yes! Mm! I love being in continent. I love being in continent. A delight to the senses! Isn't it my friend? Isn't it?
(music crescendos) Yes! I'll have what I'm having! (dramatic music swells) I'll have what I'm having! (he sobs)
(melancholy music) (sobbing) It's so good. It's so good. - Oh, good afternoon,
sir. How can I help you? - Well, Davis, I will
be staying indefinitely. - But sir, don't you know
that you've always been here? (casual music) - Really? - Mm-hmm. - Continental breakfast? - Right around the corner. (instrumental waltz music) (music fades) - The right triangle's longest side is called the hypotenuse. And it's this side here. - Hey. - [Teacher] You see the longest one? - I wish I were high on pot noose. (both laugh)
- [Teacher] The three sides - "I wish I was high on pot noose." (class laughing) - (laughing) Okay. Okay. Okay. Mr. Morrison's very
funny. It's very funny. But let's get back to the lesson. And we can see the longest one where it goes from this point- - That was my joke. - I know, man, that was hilarious. - [Teacher] Of a triangle. I've labeled them here, A, B, and C. - No, but I mean, I said that. I said it. I said it. I said that! - Please, please, Mr. Jackson, keep your comments to yourself. Thank you. (sighs) Now, the hypotenuse it, (laughs)- (class laughing) Mr. Morrison, you really
got me on that one. So, great. Oh, oh, Principal Martel! Principal Martel, come
here, come here, come here. Tell Principal Martel what you said, Troy. - Oh, she was talking
about the hypotenuse, and I said, "I wish I
was high on pot noose." (everyone laughs) I'm sorry. (laughs) He likes it. Principal Martel's cool. (laughter continues) - That's very funny. - Principal Martel. Principal Martel? I said that. - Mr. Jackson, that is enough! - But, I said it first. - Mr. Iglesias? Mr. Iglesias? Yes. Come in, come in. (class gasps) - Yeah? What's up, peoples? - Fluffy. - Comedian Gabriel Iglesias is touring the local schools today for a charity he's working on. Tell him what you said.
Tell him what you said. - Oh, "I wish I was high on pot noose." (everyone laughs) - (laughs) Oh, my god. That is clever. That is clever. Very funny. Very funny. - Right? Thanks! - No, wait. Mr. Iglesias, Mr. Iglesias! I'm your biggest fan. That was my joke. - You know, it's not really cool, buddy, to take credit for other people's jokes. Hey, listen, funny stuff. I'm doing this big tour right now. You wanna see about, maybe, we could talk about you opening? I need an opener. - What? - Oh, sure. (chuckles) - [Gabriel] What do you
think? Is that okay? - Of course. Of course! - What? (class murmuring) - Great talent, man.
- It's nice to meet you. Thanks so much. - You're like a Richard Pryor. Get over here, man. Come on. - Richard Pryor. (chuckles) (Joe panting) - He deserved it. All right, so across from the longest side is a 90 degree angle. - Good thing I've got a 90 degree dangle. - Joe, stop it! You will never be Troy! - Why are you trying to be like Troy? Dick! - Et tu, nerdy girl? (she chuckles) - So the hypotenuse- (everyone laughs) - What the (beep) is going on? - I'm gonna piss my pants! I'm gonna piss my pants right here! (class laughing)
Oh, my god! Oh! (upbeat music) - Good evening, St. Paul.
It's your City News at Five. I'm Jamie Thornberg. - And I'm Marcy Whitchurch. Winter weather advisories are in effect across central Minnesota tonight. With more on that, weatherman
Isaac Labuda. Isaac. - Thanks, Marcy. A major system is zipping
across the region. Outside temp right now, eight degrees, but it feels like 20 below. Jamie. - Well, stay off the
roads if you can, folks. Lots of reports of black ice. - Ooh, you gotta watch out
for that dangerous black ice. It's transparent and sneaky. Hard to see black guy. - That's right Marcy. Keep your loved ones safe, and warn them to stay
off the streets tonight because of menacing,
life-robbing black, black ice. - Isaac. - We have Channel 17's field reporter, Darren Hepner, with more. Darren. - Yeah. I'm standing out here in
a historic Ramsey Hill where there are currently
no cars on the street due to hazardous driving conditions. - Darren, are you talking about black ice? - That's right. - Ooh, Jesus. It's frightening
just to even say black ice. - It's scary, tricky, ruthless
stuff, that black ice. A perfectly safe neighborhood
can be suddenly terrorized by the appearance of black ice. - Well, one must keep in mind that just because black ice
looks different than white ice, it doesn't make it any more dangerous. Also, one must remember how hard it is for black ice to survive, what with the authorities
trying to destroy it with the snow plows and the salt trucks. But black ice perseveres. - Ah-huh. That's right. That's right. And as you can see right now, the city is being controlled by lots of oppressive white snow, making it hard for all people to advance. And we don't hear much
news about that, now do we? - No, we do not! - Well, thank you very
much, brother Darren. - But let's be honest, black
ice is the real menace. Last night, I was in a
perfectly safe neighborhood walking away from an ATM machine when black ice just snuck up on me, and practically robbed me of my balance. - Ouch. That sounds exactly like something black ice would do. - Well, I just hope that folks watch out so the white snow doesn't blind them, and keep them from seeing
what's really going on! - All I'm saying is I can't
think of a single Christmas song about black ice. Lotsa cheerful, uplifting
songs about snow, so. - (chuckles) Well, for the record, black ice never asked to be out here! - No, it did not! - It's a product of the environment! - Woo! Hallelujah! - In fact, black ice
didn't land on the road, the road landed on black ice! - Woo! Amen! - Okay, next up. Why is America being
ruined by black people? (upbeat music) (mellow beatboxing music) ♪ I want you ♪ ♪ But I don't need ya ♪
