>> SAL'S OUR BIG LOSER. [ LAUGHTER ] >> SO, TO CELEBRATE, WE'RE HERE AT GARY AND CRYSTAL'S WEDDING. >> OH, YEAH! OKAY. WHO'S GARY AND CRYSTAL? >> AH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT, SAL. YOU SHOULD WORRY ABOUT THE SPEECH. >> NO! [ LAUGHTER ] NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, GUYS... >> JUST GO OUT THERE AND SPEAK FROM THE HEART. >> NO, I CAN'T. >> THAT'S FINE. WE DIDN'T THINK YOU COULD, SO WE WROTE THIS SPEECH FOR YOU. GO AHEAD. GO OUT THERE AND GIVE A LITTLE SPEECH. >> WE GOT YOU ALL TAKEN CARE OF. >> OH [BLEEP] [ BREATHES DEEPLY ] >> LOOK AT HIM. [ LAUGHTER ] LOOK HOW NERVOUS HE IS. ALL RIGHT, HERE HE GOES. >> OH, MY GOD. LOOK AT THIS. >> THERE'S A LOT OF PEOPLE IN THAT WEDDING, BUDDY. [ LAUGHTER ] >> THIS IS NOT -- THIS IS NOT RIGHT. THIS IS NOT RIGHT. >> WHAT SAL DOESN'T KNOW IS THE BRIDE AND GROOM ARE ACTUALLY IN ON IT. >> YES. >> BUT THE 300 STRANGERS IN THE ROOM ARE A DIFFERENT STORY. >> DEFINITELY NOT IN ON IT. >> WE'RE GONNA RUIN THIS WEDDING. >> HERE IT COMES. >> ALL RIGHT, BUDDY, NEXT SPEECH IS ALL YOURS, PAL. >> CHEERS! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> YEAH! >> HERE WE GO. YES. >> OH [BLEEP] [ LAUGHTER ] HELLO, EVERYONE. >> OH, MY GOD. >> HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO. >> I HATE YOU GUYS. >> OH, YOU HATE US? I'M SORRY. YOU HATE US? >> [ BREATHES DEEPLY ] >> "CRYSTAL AND GARY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE MOST GOOD PEOPLE I'VE EVER KNOWN." [ LAUGHTER ] "THEY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR ME WHEN I NEEDED THEM. THEY'RE LIKE LOYAL DOGS. THEY'RE LIKE MY DOGS. KNOW WHAT I MEAN?" [ LAUGHTER ] "KNOW WHAT I MEAN?" >> YEAH. >> "SO IT'S FITTING THAT THEY STOOD BY ME WHEN THINGS GOT... ROUGH-ROUGH." [ LAUGHTER ] "WHEN I FIRST MET THEM, I USED TO ASK GARY ALL THE TIME IF I COULD..." [ LAUGHTER ] "I USED TO ASK GARY ALL THE TIME IF HE COULD SEND ME SOME... PICTURES OF CRYSTAL IN A BIKINI." [ LAUGHTER ] "I RUN A PROJECT WHERE I BRING PICTURES OF ALL DIFFERENT GIRLS IN BIKINIS TO PRISONERS IN EXCHANGE FOR WOODWORKINGS." [ LAUGHTER ] "SPEAKING IN BARTENDING SPEAK, I CAN GIVE YOU THIS METAPHOR ABOUT MARRIAGE. THE MAN IS LIKE THE LIQUOR AND THE WOMAN IS LIKE THE MIXER. AND LIFE STIRS IT UP, AND GOD IS LIKE THE BARTENDER." >> THAT'S RIGHT. >> "AND THE DEVIL --" MM. >> SAY IT! >> "THE DEVIL IS YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW." >> OH! [ LAUGHTER ] >> "LIFE'S GONNA PLAY TRICKS ON YOU. YOU'LL LOSE YOUR JOB, YOU'LL FIGHT, YOU'LL GO INTO DEBT, YOU'LL GET SICK. SO LET'S RAISE A GLASS." >> YEAH! RAISE A GLASS! >> YAY! >> BUT HE'S NOT DONE YET! >> THESE TWO PEOPLE LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH, I HATE IT. [ CHUCKLES ] [ LAUGHTER ] >> THEY SLOWLY LOWER DOWN. >> THIS ISN'T A JEWISH WEDDING, BUT MY JEWISH FRIEND, HYMAN, TOLD ME THAT, IN HIS CULTURE, IT'S IMPORTANT FOR THE GROOM TO BREAK A GLASS. I'M NO JEW, BUT I HAVE BROKEN A LOT OF GLASSES. BUT TONIGHT I DON'T MEAN TO BREAK THE HYMAN... [ LAUGHTER ] >> OH, GOD! NEXT PAGE! [ LAUGHS ] >> ...TRADITION. [ LAUGHTER ] >> LOOK AT THEIR FACES. >> I WANT TO TELL YOU GUYS SOMETHING THAT MY GRANDFATHER TOLD ME WHEN I WAS YOUNG THAT GAVE ME THE CHILLS, AND IT SEEMS MOST FITTING TODAY. HE SAID, "SAL..." >> HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO. >> "...I SHOT A LOT OF JAPS IN WORLD WAR II." [ LAUGHTER ] >> OH, NO! >> "GUYS, THERE'S NO DENYING YOU'RE AWESOME TOGETHER, BUT SOMETIMES MARRIAGE CAN BE LIKE WAR. DON'T LET THE JAPANESE GET IN YOUR WAY." [ LAUGHTER ] >> WOW. >> OH, MY GOD. THEY'RE STARTING TO REVOLT. [ LAUGHTER ] >> CRYSTAL, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL INSI--" OH. >> HERE IT COMES, HERE IT COMES. >> [ BREATHES DEEPLY ] I CAN'T SAY THIS. >> YOU GOT TO FINISH THAT SPEECH, BUDDY. >> "YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL INSIDE AND OUT. I SHOULD KNOW." [ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ] [ LAUGHTER ] CHEERS. >> SAL, EVERYBODY. >> THAT WENT OVER WELL. [ LAUGHING ] >> THAT WAS BRUTAL, MAN. >> GENTLEMEN, LET'S RAISE A GLASS. [ LAUGHTER ] [ LAUGHTER ] >> THAT WAS... >> REALLY HARSH. >> ALL RIGHT! MURR LOST! >> THAT'S RIGHT! >> AND FOR YOUR PUNISHMENT, BUDDY, WE CAME TO THE DOWNTOWN CONFERENCE CENTER, WHERE YOU'LL BE PLAYING A CULINARY EXPERT PRESENTING FOODS FROM AROUND THE WORLD. >> OKAY. >> EXCEPT YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO TASTE ANYTHING. IN FACT, YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO SAY ANYTHING, EITHER. [ LAUGHTER ] >> BECAUSE WE'RE GONNA SHOOT UP YOUR MOUTH AND YOUR CHOMPERS WITH TONS OF NOVOCAINE. >> WHAT?! [ LAUGHTER ] >> WAIT. IS THIS DANGEROUS? FOR REAL. YOU CAN'T JUST INJECT A DRUG IN MY BODY. >> IT'S GOING TO BE COMPLETELY PAINLESS, I PROMISE. [ LAUGHTER ] >> ALL RIGHT! >> HERE WE GO. >> THIS DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN IS OUR FRIEND DR. DAN SULLIVAN. >> OH, YES. >> HE'S GONNA BE PUMPING YOUR MOUTH-HOLE FULL OF THE 'CAINE. [ LAUGHTER ] >> WHAT IS THE LEGAL AMOUNT THAT YOU CAN GIVE? >> WHATEVER THE LEGAL LIMIT IS -- >> 2 PLUS 5. HERE WE GO. OH, MY GOD! IT'S SO GROSS! >> I CAN'T TAKE IT FROM JUST WATCHING. >> WHAT ARE WE DOING? WHAT ARE WE DOING? WHAT ARE WE DOING TO OURSELVES? >> GOD! >> WHY ARE WE DOING THIS TO OURSELVES? >> [ LAUGHS ] >> HOW YOU FEELING? >> UH, WEIRD. [ LAUGHTER ] >> THAT'S SO DISGUSTING. YOU ALREADY SPIT WITH EVERY WORD YOU SAY. YOUR MOUTH'S GONNA BE LIKE A SUPER SOAKER. [ LAUGHTER ] >> HELLO. HELLO, HELLO, HELLO. WELCOME, EVERYONE. MY NAME... [ LAUGHS ] [ LAUGHTER ] >> THIS IS BRILLIANT. >> MY NAME IS JAMES MURRAY. [ Slurring ] AND I'M -- I'M A FOOD ENTHUSIAST. [ LAUGHTER ] I'M VERY EXCITED TODAY TO BE PRESENTING TO YOU FOODS FROM DIFFERENT CONTINENTS THAT I'VE TRAVELED TO AROUND THE WORLD. OKAY. THIS IS A TRADITIONAL ITALIAN DISH OF SPAGHETTI AND MEATBALLS. >> WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS IT? >> SPAGHETTI AND MEATBALLS. [ LAUGHTER ] OH, AND, OF COURSE, TO COMPLEMENT IT, WE HAVE CABERNET... [ LAUGHTER ] WE HAVE A DELIGHTFUL GLASS OF CABERNET -- CABERNET SAUVIGNON. [ LAUGHTER ] >> SO, NOW, MOST PEOPLE GET SPAGHETTI AND MEATBALLS IN A BOLOGNESE SAUCE. >> MOST PEOPLE GET SPAGHETTI AND MEATBALLS IN A BOLOGNESE SAUCE. [ LAUGHTER ] >> AND, OF COURSE, LET'S NOT FORGET A GOOD, GARLICKY PESTO. >> AND LET'S NOT FORGET A GOOD, GARLICKY PE... P-P-PESTO SAUCE. [ LAUGHTER ] >> I ALSO LIKE... >> I ALSO LIKE... >> ...SHRIMP SCAMPI. [ LAUGHS ] >> ...SHRIMP...SCAMPI. >> YOU KNOW WHO I HEARD MAKES A STUPENDOUS SHRIMP SCAMPI. >> [ GROANS ] YOU KNOW WHO I HEARD MAKES A STUPENDOUS SHRIMP SCAMPI. >> SUSAN SARANDON. >> AAH! [ LAUGHTER ] >> SUSAN -- SUSAN SARANDON MAKES A GREAT SHRIMP SCAMPI. >> HE SOUNDS LIKE SEAN CONNERY. [ LAUGHTER ] >> SAY "WELCOME TO THE ROCK." >> WELCOME TO THE ROCK. [ LAUGHTER ] >> I CAN'T WAIT TO DIG IN. LET ME TRY SOME OF THIS SPAGHETTI. [ LAUGHTER ] >> OH [BLEEP] I CAN'T WAIT TO DIG IN. I'M GONNA -- I'M GONNA SAMPLE ALL... [ LAUGHTER ] I'M GONNA SAMPLE ALL THE FOOD. [ LAUGHTER ] I'M SORRY. I'M GONNA SAMPLE ALL THE FOOD HERE. I DIDN'T EXPECT THAT. BUT I'M GONNA DIG RIGHT IN AND SHOW YOU A LITTLE BIT OF THE FLAVOR OF THESE FOODS. OKAY, LET'S TRY SOME SPAGHETTI. OH, MAN. [ LAUGHTER ] MMM! [ LAUGHTER ] IT'S DELICIOUS. >> YOU HAVE SPAGHETTI ON YOUR LEFT... [ LAUGHTER ] >> IT'S PERFECTION. IT'S GREAT. >> GO TO ANOTHER CUISINE, BUDDY. >> THIS IS A SOFT-SHELL TACO. >> I FIND WHEN YOU PUT BEEF IN THE TACO, IT'S BEST TO BRAISE IT. >> I FIND THAT WHEN YOU PUT BEEF IN A TACO, IT'S BEST TO BRAISE IT. >> BRAISED BEEF... >> BRAISED BEEF... >> ...IS BRILLIANT. >> ...IS... BRAISED B... BRAISED BEEF IS B... [ LAUGHTER ] BRAISED BEEF IS BRILLIANT. [ LAUGHTER ] >> I'VE SAID IT ONCE. I'LL SAY IT AGAIN. >> I'VE SAID IT ONCE. I'LL SAY IT AGAIN. BRAISED BEEF IS B... BRAISED BEEF IS BRILLIANT. >> THIS IS A SWEET TEA. LET'S TRY IT. >> FINISH THE WHOLE THING. [ LAUGHTER ] >> IT'S JUST LIKE A FAUCET IS SPRAYING HIM IN THE MOUTH. [ LAUGHTER ] >> AHH! [ LAUGHTER ] >> ALL RIGHT, BUDDY. >> ALL RIGHT, YOU DID IT. >> YEAH! >> THERE WE HAVE IT -- SOME FOODS FROM AROUND THE WORLD. >> AND, AS I LIKE TO SAY, ARRIVEDERCI. >> AND, AS THEY SAY IN ITALY, ARRIVEDERCI. [ LAUGHTER ] and with a Double Down loss,
he's tonight's big loser. Tonight, we're here
for Q's punishment, and buddy, you'll be getting in
touch with your feminine side. That's right. You're gonna be taking part
in a panel discussion as an expert amongst other
experts on women's issues. And all you have to do
is respectfully disagree with their expert opinion. Oh, I knew it! I knew it was gonna be
something horrible. We're throwing you
to the wolves. This is going to hit a nerve
with a lot of people. So he is going to be grilled
in there. Q's gonna be an ass[bleep]
on this panel. I mean, there's no other
way to say it. Murr:
The ironic thing is -- I mean, Q doesn't believe
any of this stuff. Women love Q. He's a charming guy.
He's nice. He was brought up right
by his mother. Let's see him charm his way
out of this, though. -Here we go.
-Here we go, Q. There he is. Woman:
Thank you for attending SHE. The focus of our evening is going to be
a panel discussion with three very distinguished
guests, all of whom have written
extensively on women's issues. Murr:
He's already squirming. Woman:
We have Katie Goodman. She's a feminist speaker,
author, and activist. Then we have Rachel Sklar. She's the co-founder
of Change the Ratio, which increases visibility
and opportunity for women in tech and new media. And finally,
we have Brian Quinn, who is a social awareness
blogger with his award-nominated blog,
"Brother of the Sisterhood." [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] So, the moderator's
helping us do this, but Q doesn't know that,
and neither does the audience. Murr: Here we go. It's still not uncommon to hear the phrase,
"That's a man's job," and I want to hear your thoughts
on that particular phrase. Katie,
what do you think? So, remember,
just oppose their views. It's super-simple. Brian? Uh, there are men's jobs
and there are women's jobs. I mean, I think we all -- I mean, we're not saying
that that doesn't exist, right? I mean, you're not --
-We are kind of -- We are
kind of saying that. [ Laughter ] But it's just like,
if you pull up to a garage and you got to get
an alternator replaced and there's a woman mechanic, the majority of men --
and women -- are gonna look at that
and be like, "Hey, man. I'm all for, you know,
women's rights. I mean, who isn't? But I also want my car
to run well." [ Gasps ] [ Laughter ] [ Inhales sharply ]
You can feel it. You can feel it!
-I can't take it. We're gonna discuss some of
the most influential women, who you think they are, and sort of what gives them
that influence. Michelle Obama,
Shonda Rhimes. Women can do
all sorts of things. [ Applause ] All right, buddy.
Now disagree with that. You know, um,
these are, you know -- the Michelle Obama thing. Eh. She got there
'cause she slept with a man. [ Laughter ] Oh, my God.
Oh, my -- [ Groans ] I think Michelle Obama's
a fantastic example -- Right, but she wouldn't
be in the White House if her husband
hadn't gotten her there. [ Laugher ] I mean, very pretty.
Very pretty. [ Laughter ] I'm getting -- I don't know
how much I can take now. Brian, actually, this
next question is for
you, specifically. You have a blog entitled
"Brother of the Sisterhood," and a recent excerpt
from your blog reads... This is Q's "quote"
that we wrote. "If women made
as much money as men, they would definitely
spend it all, specifically
for their children, because they're such loving
human beings by nature. These emotions often
cloud their judgment, though, making them unstable
or irrational." Can you please explain
that quote? Sal:
[ Laughing ] Oh, my God. Q: I think that's true
of everybody. Maybe I didn't make that
clear enough. I've made a lot of irrational
decisions, you know. I've chosen bad friends. [ Laughter ] So I think the point
I was trying to make there is just like, "Hey,
you know, these ladies -- they're going through a lot." You know. [ Laughter ] Joe: Great answer. Brian, do you have
any closing remarks? If I had boobs,
I'd play with them all day. [ Laughter ] Come on.
This is it, and you're all done. Are you sure you don't want to make closing remarks
before I go? [ Laughs ] I guess
my closing remark is -- [ Chuckles ] [ Laughs ] Uh, you know,
if I -- Oh. Can't leave
till you say it. Oh, my God. If I had boobs... ...I'd just be home
playing with them all day. [ Laugher ] So, the fact that you're not
is amazing. [ Laughter ] Thank you, everybody.
That's it for our panel
discussion today. [ Applause ] Yeah!
He got through it! Oh, my God. the bustling Heartland Brewery in Times Square. [ Laughing ] Joe... I hate when you guys
have the giggles. ...you are a manager
and you're on break. I'm on... It's not what
you think. Some of the tables upstairs
are ours, and they break. Go break the tables. The other ones that aren't ours, what happens to those? -Don't -- Don't --
-They don't break. So, don't break. they could break. It'll be fun today. -All right, buddy. -All right, here he is. It's lunch time with your busy Times Square crowd, and among all of these tables, only eight of them break. Q: Good luck
finding them. Everybody's doing okay? -Yeah.
-Yeah?
-Good, great. Joe, just say,
"I'm a manager". I'm a manager,
so, anything you need. So, the people sitting at
"our" tables are with us. customers are real and have no idea
what's happening. But Joe, all the tables
look the same. I was hoping that
would've been a misstep. No. No, no. I got to try this table. I'm going to try this table,
with the dude, here. -Everything okay? What'd you get there?
The beef stroganoff? Meatloaf. Sorry about that. You know, I could --
I could find out if... they could get you
another burger. I could find out. We might have some in the --
We were getting a delivery. [ Laughter ] The table's not just gonna crumble if you put five pounds of pressure on it. We're gonna need you
to go full -- airborne. Oh, my God. [ Laughter ] Murr:
That's a fail, bud. up front. -Look at the guy's face!
-Oh, he's pissed. We'll get you another water,
there. We'll clean that up. Well, good thing you got the raincoat on 'cause you got a little wet with the water. Sorry. I got to clean this up.
This is a little slippery. Oh, the floor's slippery?
Careful. I didn't realize there was
so much water on the... Whoops. [ Laughter ] Sal: He went down
like a dead body. That's unfortunate. We're gonna need
another table. I'm a manager. People are
in disbelief. -And this place is dead quiet.
-You're not done yet. That's just one. I'm the manager. Yeah,
just checking to make sure it's sturdy. [ Laughter ] That's solid. That's a for-sure-ski. But he just laid
in their plates. -And everything good? -Yeah, thank you. -Excellent.
-Pretty good. Thank you so much. about this one. There's only one way
to find out, though. I've just got to do it
like a band-aid. I'm a manager. That's my bad.
-Keep going. Keep going, keep going.
-And that one stung. I'm gonna try
this table behind me. Please do. [ Laughter ] Sal: Jump, right now,
on that table. Jump! I'm a manager.
Get them a cheesecake. Halfway there,
buddy. Joe, the one to your left
looks pretty peculiar. Joe: Cheers, guys. Not one of ours, Joe! [ Laughter ] [Bleep] I caught my dick. I need more padding. You weirdo. I'm the manager.
How's the bread-- That one
was easier, guys. You were just messing
with me there. That one was easy. [Bleep]. "H Look, some tables are harder
to break than others. Sometimes, you need to
get off the top rope. [Bleep] you, guys. I mean, that's what I want to see. Oh, that's it. [Bleep] I don't know what is. Does that table next
to the ladder break or not? Well, there's only one
way to find out, huh? Oh! Ohh, my God! is watching you, just anticipating
the jump. Do you want to back up? I mean... happening. Oh! Yeah! I'm a manager. No, no,
it's good. off the check. Q: Look at
the carnage. [ Laughter ] Somebody threw
a towel. I'm a manager. All right, Joe, good job. You found
all of our tables. [ Vocalizes ] [ Laughter ] >> LET ME GUESS. [ LAUGHS ] I'M IN A TALENT SHOW? >> COME ON, NO, NO, NO, NO. YOU'RE THE JUDGE OF THE TALENT SHOW. >> TO BE MORE PRECISE, IT'S A CHILDREN'S TALENT SHOW. [ LAUGHTER ] >> YOU LIKE KIDS, RIGHT? >> YEAH, I LIKE KIDS. >> NO, YOU DON'T. [ LAUGHTER ] >> OKAY. THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING OUT TODAY TO OUR TALENT SHOW. SAL, YOU ARE THE SIMON COWELL OF THIS TALENT SHOW! >> [ LAUGHS ] >> LET'S GET STARTED WITH OUR FIRST PERFORMER. >> WHAT SAL DOESN'T KNOW IS THAT THE KIDS ARE IN ON IT. THEY KNOW THAT'S SAL'S A PLANTED JUDGE. >> THE AUDIENCE, THOUGH, HAS NO CLUE. >> NO IDEA. NO IDEA. [ FOLK MUSIC PLAYS ] >> WOW! >> WOW! >> KID'S GOOD, IRISH TAP DANCING. THIS KID'S ALL RIGHT. >> LOOK HOW HIGH HER LEGS GO. >> YELL, "I ORDERED CHICKEN >> YELL, "I ORDERED CHICKEN WINGS AN HOUR AGO." >> [ LAUGHS ] >> WHAT SAL DOESN'T KNOW IS THAT THE KIDS ARE IN ON IT. >> THE AUDIENCE, THOUGH, HAS NO CLUE. >> NO IDEA. >> I ORDERED CHICKEN WINGS AN HOUR AGO. [ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> IT WAS REALLY BEAUTIFUL TO WATCH. THANKS SO MUCH FOR THAT GREAT PERFORMANCE. >> MAKE SURE THE GIRL KNOWS THAT YOU ORDERED CHICKEN WINGS AN HOUR AGO, TOO, WHEN YOU GIVE YOUR FEEDBACK. >> I WAS HAVING A HARD TIME CONCENTRATING, ONLY BECAUSE I ORDERED CHICKEN WINGS AN HOUR AGO. I CALLED IT OUT WHILE YOU WERE DANCING. >> IT'S HARD ENOUGH TO SIT THROUGH A KIDS' TALENT SHOW. >> OH, GEE. IT'S HARD ENOUGH [GROANS] IT'S [GROANS] IT'S HARD ENOUGH, YOU GUYS KNOW THIS -- IT'S HARD ENOUGH TO SIT THROUGH A KIDS' TALENT SHOW. [ LAUGHTER ] DESPITE THE FACT THAT, YOU KNOW, YOU GOT TO EAT -- I ORDERED CHICK-- ANYWAY, FORGET THE CHICKEN WINGS. THAT WAS GREAT. [ LAUGHTER ] >> UP NEXT, WE HAVE DANCING. >> SAL, UNDER YOUR TABLE'S A BAG OF POTATO CHIPS. OPEN IT UP AND MAKE IT AS LOUD AS POSSIBLE WHILE YOU'RE OPENING IT. [ BAG RUSTLING LOUDLY ] >> THERE YOU GO, RIGHT UP TO THE MIKE. RIGHT UP TO THE MIKE. [ LAUGHTER ] [ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> IT WAS GREAT, VERY NICE. >> THAT WAS GOOD, NOT GREAT. [ LAUGHTER ] >> THAT WAS... THAT WAS GOOD. NOT GREAT. [ LAUGHTER ] THANK YOU VERY MUCH. [ LAUGHTER ] >> NEXT UP, WE HAVE JUMP ROPE. [ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ] [ APPLAUSE ] >> SO YOU JUMP. [ LAUGHTER ] >> SO, UH, YOUR TALENT IS YOU JUMP. SO, THEN, YOU JUST JUMP, THEN? >> YOU EVER SEE A KANGAROO? >> HAVE YOU EVER SEEN, LIKE, A KANGAROO? >> THEY JUMP. >> THEY JUMP. >> THEY DON'T GET AWARDS FOR IT, DO THEY? [ LAUGHTER ] >> THEY DON'T GET AWARDS FOR IT, THOUGH, DO THEY? >> THE AUDIENCE IS SHOOTING YOU DAGGERS. >> THANK YOU. [ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ] >> NEXT UP, WE HAVE MARTIAL ARTS. >> LAST ONE. >> LAST ONE, BUDDY. LAST ONE. [ TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS ] >> DAMN! LOOK AT THAT LANDING! >> HE'S GOT SOME GOOD FORM. [ APPLAUSE ] >> SAL, DO YOU WANT TO GET UP AND DO SOME KARATE MOVES? >> [ CHUCKLES ] >> SAL, SHOW THEM YOUR MOVES. >> SHOW THEM YOUR MOVES! YEAH! >> COME ON, BUDDY. >> [ SIGHS ] WATCH THIS. [ SIGHS ] [ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ] [ LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE ] [ MUSIC STOPS ] [ LAUGHTER ] >> I COULD TAKE YOU IN A FIGHT. >> [ SIGHS ] I COULD TAKE YOU IN A FIGHT. WE KNOW THAT. >> NO. >> AND THEY'RE CLAPPING! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THE CROWD HATES YOU! THEY APPLAUDED THAT THE 12-YEAR-OLD WAS GONNA BEAT YOU UP. [ LAUGHTER ] -All right.
-All right. Murray is our big loser. That's right,
and today we're at Tumblr, and the CEO is giving their
weekly meeting. And, Murray,
you are a new hire, very hip and young, and you are gonna heckle
the whole thing. -Yes.
-Oh, come on. [ Laughter ] Just before
we get rolling here, I would love it if,
this week... Sal: The CEO's the only one
in the room that knows -- he gave his permission
to film with Tumblr. Murray does not know that. Intern experience --
Beyza, come on up. [ Cheers and applause ] Q: Here we go. I'm originally from Turkey, and I've been working
on iOS Core Team. Yell, "Like a boss!" It feels amazing.
It feels really good. [ Laughter ] Like a boss! -Yeah.
-Whoo! [ Laughter ] [ Speaking indistinctly ] Yell, "Like a boss!"
again. More obnoxious, though.
Go "baawwws." I had meetings with other teams,
so it feels really great. Like a baawwws! [ Laughter ] No claps!
No claps this time! And before I start anything
about my project, I needed to plan it. -Like...a...baawwws!
-A...baawwws! So, I had iOS experience before,
but it was with Objective-C, so I learnt some -- Like a baawwws! [ Laughter ] Um. Man: Here we go. Um. [ Laughter ] Relax. It's casual. Just mumble "Tumblr police"
under your breath. Tumblr police. [ Laughter ] He's so good
at being a dick. Shuqi, come on up. Joe: "I mean,
who doesn't come up? Who doesn't come up
in this meeting?" I mean, who doesn't come up? Seems like
the whole company's coming up. [ Man speaking indistinctly ] [ Laughter ] "Participation trophy
for everybody." It's like
a participation trophy. [ Laughter ] Oh, my God. Shuqi, tell us about
your experience this summer. Shuqi-Shuqi, now. [ Laughter ] Shuqi: Hi.
Um, hello -- hello, everyone. Shuqi-Shuqi, now. Hey, I have an idea. Why don't you zip it
until he's finished, okay? Thanks. -Oh!
-Oh, my God. ♪♪ Man: Really? [ Laughter ] They're on their IM,
calling for security. All the employees use an
interpersonal IM called "Slack," and they're on it, calling for
security to come get him out. So, Murr, just say,
"I'm on Slack, too. Yeah. I'm on Slack, too.
I know what you guys are doing. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter and applause ] Sal:
He put the phone away! We have a special surprise
for y'all. We just found out
a little while ago how big a fan they are
of Guy Fieri, and it turns out
Joe has his contact info, and we called Guy
and asked him to call in. ♪♪ Yeah. Is that Guy Fieri? [ Laughter ] Hey, everybody in Flavortown, hope you're having
a good summer. [ Cheers and applause ] Yell,
"Guy Fieri, you suck!" By the way,
you are huge on Tumblr. I don't know if you knew
that or not. Our team really loves you a lot.
We have a big project -- Guy Fieri sucks. -Hey!
-Ohh! -Ohh!
-Oh, my God. Hey, you better
watch yourself, pal. -Ohh!
-Oh, my God. Oh, my God. We have a rule here that says
"No assholes," and you're at the top
of the asshole list. -Ooh!
-Wow. [ Laughter ] They're a metal band
here in Brooklyn. Sal: All right, baby boy.
You're at the front door. You're collecting
cover charges. You got that fanny pack
stacked with cashola. Yep, the unofficial staff badge.
You're all set. How's it going, man?
How are you? Good. Good. We're collecting
for the band tonight. Uh. $5. All right.
Thank you. Thanks. is there's no cover tonight. It's a free show. We are collecting
for the band tonight. Thanks, brother. Thank you.
Thank you very much. Enjoy the show.
Thanks very much. The power of a damn lanyard. Wow. That's great. Joe: That fanny pack's getting fat. Oh. Thanks so much.
Enjoy the show, sir. Every single person
is giving him money. Oh. Cool. Thank you. Well, that's a lot of money. I never thought
I was gonna say this, but am I gonna get punished
any time soon? We're punishing you
with boredom. Sal: Yo, this place is jam packed. You can come on back here. Murr: Great job, bub. Excellent job. Joe: There you go.
Your shift's over. We'll take the fanny pack. the door anymore. You did good, though.
You got a lot of money. Go back into the club. You'll know what to do
when the time comes. You might be. Good luck, Tight Fright. There he is. I'll take a beer. Joe: All right, get a beer.
That's fine. Settle in, buddy.
Settle in. All right. Hey, everybody. Can I have your attention
for one quick minute here, real quick? Murr: Here we go! Tight Fright is gonna come out
here in just a few minutes, but I have a quick
announcement that it's been brought to my
attention that somebody was outside collecting money
for the venue here. There's no cover
charge tonight, so if you find
that person, please... ...try to get your money back. [Bleep] you guys. [ Crowd booing ] The money's gone. You are in the
lion's den now! The place is in an uproar right now. the fanny pack. It's in the fanny pack, and the
fanny pack is somewhere else. No, it's cool. Oh, my God! Oh, no, I'm cool.
I'm gonna watch the show. hairy in there, buddy. Don't worry. The bag
of money's at the bar. Yeah, I'm gonna go by the bar. The thing's over there. He threw a beer can at him! Oh, my God. It's only $5! And let's not devolve
into animals. Oh, here we go. [ Crowd booing ] [ Laughter ] Give people their money back! Damn you guys.
I'm covered in beer. Count it out!
Go through the crowd! Go through the crowd
and hand out quarters. Guys, I got the money here. Just put in here. Here we go. No one's questioning why the bag
has a huge dollar sign on it. They had $3. $3? Oh! Oh, oh, oh! [ Shouting ] people their money back! You animals! Oh, my God. m a? I gave you the money back! I'm so sorry about this. -"Big misunderstanding. I thought I was gonna
get away with this." It was a big misunderstanding. I didn't think
I was gonna get caught. It's a big misunderstanding. $4... you have to do -- Jump up on stage and ask everybody if you're all square. We're all square? [ Crowd booing ] You survived, buddy.
You survived. But you do look like
a real ass[bleep] >> JOE IS TODAY'S BIG LOSER. >> WHICH BRINGS US HERE TO THE LYNN REDGRAVE THEATRE ON BLEECKER STREET, WHERE WE'RE GONNA FILL THIS ROOM WITH SCIENCE ENTHUSIASTS AND FORCE YOU TO POSE AS AN EXPERT. >> THE MODERATOR IS GONNA ASK YOU A BUNCH OF QUESTIONS. YOU HAVE TO ANSWER THEM TO THE WORST OF YOUR ABILITIES. >> WE'RE SO EXCITED TO SEE THIS, WE WANTED THE BEST SEATS IN THE HOUSE. >> THAT'S RIGHT. WE ARE GONNA BE ON THE PANEL WITH YOU, BUDDY. >> SO, YOU'RE GONNA BE HELPING ME OUT. >> EH... >> I WOULD NOT CALL IT THAT. >> THANKS, EVERYONE, FOR COMING OUT TONIGHT. WE'RE GONNA BE COVERING A LOT OF BIG TOPICS, SO PLEASE HELP ME IN WELCOMING OUR PANEL OF EXPERTS. [ APPLAUSE ] >> HELLO. >> FIRST, WE HAVE BRIAN QUINN, WHO IS THE, UH, PROFESSOR OF ROBOTICS AT THE COLLEGE OF STATEN ISLAND. >> YES. >> WE HAVE SAL VULCANO, WHO IS THE OPERATIONS SPECIALIST AT NASA. DR. JAMES MURRAY, HEAD OF DRONE RESEARCH AT DARPA. AND FINALLY, JOE GATTO, ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR OF QUANTUM MECHANICS, NORTH AMERICAN DIVISION. >> NORTH AMERICA. >> SO, WHAT WERE YOUR REACTIONS TO THE PRISM PROGRAM? PRISM PROGRAM? >> I WOULD DEFINITELY DEFER TO -- >> YEAH, ABSOLUTELY. THAT DEFINITELY LANDS RIGHT IN MY WHEELHOUSE. UM, THE PRISM PROGRAM? YOU GOT TO -- YOU GOT TO THINK ABOUT IT FROM ALL ANGLES. THAT'S WHAT PRISM MEANS, RIGHT? YOU GOT TO... THE PRISM, YOU KNOW, THEORY, BASICALLY, REALLY IS SAYING, YOU KNOW, AS A PRISM OPERATES... IT'S TO COME AT THE PROBLEM AT DIFFERENT ANGLES. UH, MY -- I THINK IT'S BEST TO ATTACK A PROBLEM AT ITS SOURCE AND DESTROY IT THERE. >> IT'S BEEN A YEAR AND A HALF SINCE THE BLACKOUT AGAINST SOPA AND PIPA, AND NOW WITH THE BENEFIT OF HINDSIGHT, WHY DO YOU THINK THAT BLACKOUT WAS SUCCESSFUL? >> JOE? >> OH, UH, THE BLACKOUT. YES. IT HAPPENED. DID WE LEARN FROM IT? MAYBE. SHOULD WE? ABSOLUTELY. >> I'M SORRY. I-I'M JUST -- I'M JUST A SIMPLE ROBOTICS TEACHER FROM THE COLLEGE OF STATEN ISLAND. I DON'T KNOW IF THEY'RE AWARE WHAT THE BLACKOUT EVEN WAS. WHAT WAS THE BLACKOUT? >> UH, THE BLACKOUT? UH, THE BLACKOUT WAS, UH -- YOU KNOW, THE BLACKOUT IS A, YOU KNOW... WE LOST POWER. >> SO -- SO YOU'RE TAKING HIS QUESTION TO MEAN...? >> LITERALLY, YES. >> COULD I ASK YOU A QUESTION? I-I'VE, UH -- I'VE NEVER HAD THE PRIVILEGE OF BEING ON A PANEL WITH A QUANTUM MECHANICS, UH... >> EXPERT. >> EXPERT. [ CHUCKLES ] YEAH. UH, WE ALL HAVE HEARD OF THE QUANTUM MECHANICS OF PLANCK'S CONSTANT, OF COURSE. >> OF COURSE. >> UH, I'VE NEVER QUITE UNDERSTOOD IT. COULD YOU EXPLAIN IT IN LAYMEN'S TERMS? >> YOU KNOW HOW, UH, THE WORLD GOES 'ROUND? DOES THAT? YEAH. THE PLANCK CONSTANT DOESN'T. JUST THINK OF A-A PLANK. >> [ CHUCKLES ] >> LIKE, IF A PIRATE SHIP WAS... >> SO, THE WORLD IS SPINNING ON A -- >> NO, NO. IN LAYMEN'S TERMS, SORRY, UH, DR. ROBOT. [ LAUGHTER ] WHAT I'M SAYING IS, IF YOU GIVE ME A CHANCE TO EXPLAIN HERE, THE PLANCK -- THE PLANCK CONSTANT JUST MEANS THAT, YOU KNOW, AS THE WORLD SPINS, SOME THINGS DON'T. [ LAUGHTER ] >> WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON SUPERPOSITION? EVERYONE KNOWS SUPERPOSITION, OF COURSE, IN THE QUANTUM MECHANICS' WORLD. WHAT'S YOUR THOUGHTS ON THAT? >> I COULD TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT. >> [ CHUCKLES ] >> I'M ALL GOOD WITH IT, FOR THE MOST PART. I MEAN, SOME PEOPLE -- >> YOU'RE ALL GOOD? >> [ CHUCKLES ] >> [ Laughing ] YOU'RE ALL GOOD WITH SUPERPOSITION? >> CAN YOU SPEAK TO THE PART THAT YOU'RE NOT ALL GOOD WITH? >> [ LAUGHS ] >> WELL, I MEAN, THE BIGGEST THING IS, UH, WHEN TO USE IT AND WHEN TO NOT USE IT, RIGHT? SHOULD YOU USE IT IN A COMPUTING SYSTEM THAT'S GOING TO GUIDE MISSILE ATTACKS IN CENTRAL AMERICA? YES. SHOULD YOU USE IT IN A TABLET? NO. YOU SHOULDN'T USE THAT IN A TABLET. I DON'T NEED THAT IN THE APP. THERE'S NOT AN APP FOR THAT, AND I'M FINE WITH IT, BECAUSE SUPERPOSITION ISN'T A POWER THAT SHOULD BE YIELDED BY A 10 YEAR OLD NAMED DUNCAN WHO LIVES DOWN IN NEW JERSEY ON HIS iPOD TOUCH. [ LAUGHTER ] >> I WANT TO THANK OUR PANEL VERY MUCH FOR COMING OUT. >> YEAH, I'M GLAD I DID THIS. THIS -- THIS WAS VERY ENJOYABLE. [ APPLAUSE ]
